Life and How to Live it

New Blog

2007-06-25T08:33:00.000-07:00

New Blog people

rachieheather.blogspot.com

:)

I missed you all and am glad to be back

Who Needs Mistletoe??

2006-12-07T08:28:00.000-08:00

As I got up for work the other day I stepped out onto the balcony to take in the sunrise. The crisp morning air chilled my bones as I took in a deep breath.

“Calm down,” I told myself. Just breathe.

The holidays.

No two other words can bring a feeling of such joy mixed with such dread at the same time.

On the upside – the clothing in the stores is amazing (though I am not buying any I promise), the lights are beautiful, the house smells of pumpkin pie, warm roasted nuts (yes I roast my own nuts haha), and beautiful Christmas music (sorry fellow Jews we are lacking on great holiday music.). There are festivities and parties galore – I have 5 in the next three weeks. People give presents and there is nothing like spending a chilly night cuddled up on the sofa with some hot cocoa and a warm body. The food is great and there seems to be some magic in the air. Did I mention presents? Yes, presents are a definite upside. I love presents (don’t worry, giving and receiving) and I love opening up these little surprises and seeing what people get when they think of you. Large or small – all great.

Then we have the downside. – The stress of finding good gifts, the stress of figuring out what to get the essentials (like your boss), what to wear to the actual parties, people fighting in line at the mall, people arguing over who is going to get your parking space and then blocking your way out while they duke it out (yes that happened to me), the stress of getting your entire odd ball family into one room just so you can listen to what a conversation might be when you get into said room the following: a republican (or a bunch), a couple liberals, one green party, one optimistic but overly worrisome Jewish mother, one pessimist, one stoned grandpa who can give a shit what anyone is saying, one great-grandmother who can’t hear what anyone is saying but pretends to anyway, and one 25 year old woman who must deal with such questions like, “what guy are you dating?”, “tell me every detail of your new job”, “ why don’t you marry _ _ _ “ (yes I still get that question after I have been friends with _ _ _ for years) and of course my favorite – the mix between “you look great!” and “oh you look way too skinny dahling, are you eating”?

With all that said, I really do love the holidays. It is my favorite time of year (starting November 6th of course), and I look forward to it once again this year. Now if I could just get all my gift shopping done, bake my most fabulous pumpkin pie, glazed almonds, chocolate rum pie, and gingerbread – I will be all set. I have my “Santa’s Baby” red jacket, my “Who needs Mistletoe?” panties, my shopping list, and my calendar full….

Now all I have to do is stop and breathe.

What are everyone’s plans for the holiday? Anything fun?

Money Lessons Learned

2006-11-30T09:59:00.000-08:00

I have a confession to make.

I love shopping.

Yes that is me. A confessed shopaholic. I love nice clothes and I love nice shoes. I spend 20 dollars on a pair of panties that have enough fabric to cover most men’s pinky. I would gladly spend a few hundred on a handbag and eat protein shakes for a week. I buy expensive skincare. My jeans I buy based upon how they make my ass look rather than the price tag. I buy high thread count sheets. Not even the thread count you can buy at most stores – they have to be ordered. When I feel down I don’t go on a drinking binge or an eating binge – I run straight to the mall. It is my vice.

I am a retail stores best client. I am a sucker. I walk into the store and stupidly get the retail credit card because I get 20% off that day and fail to even think about the 22% APR.

Well – this got me into a lot of trouble.

Lately I have been learning a lot about effective money management and what being a credit card person actually does to ones net worth.

What it comes down to is this.

Credit cards are the demise of America (not my words.) But I believe part of this is true. With credit card debt you will always pay back way too much. So imagine you are buying a 100 dollar shirt – after you pay that off the card it ends up being like 150. And if you are only paying minimum payments or slightly more – well you are barely paying any principal.

Now – to give myself credit I have never had a late payment in almost 7 years.

I have been really good about no longer spending. I am sort of in a “time to get responsible about money” phase – hence the no shopping policy. But getting out of debt is a whole other story.

I sat down with a couple “money savvy” people. One is my uncle who has no debt – only one credit card and is very well off because he knows money. The other is my banker. Who, because he is a banker, obviously knows money said the same thing – debt can’t ruin someone.

So with a little help from my friends I have, with my newfound knowledge, come up with a repayment plan.

The first thing I did was transfer every balance to a low rate card. This I find out will cut my repayment time by half and reduce my interest by thousands of dollars.

I then canceled every single one of my cards. GONE. OUT THE WINDOW.

I will now be completely out of debt in 8 months.

However, my love for nice things will likely never go away. What can I say – it is just who I am.

I Rachel Heather am indulgent. And, I have come to find out this is not a fault – materialism is not a bad word – it just has to be managed.

So how am I going to do that?

First of all I am forcing myself to not buy anything not needed until I am out of debt. After that I was thinking maybe of some sort of budget but it has to be paid in cash.

Any ideas?

This is the dawn of a new age – the age of Rachel being financially responsible.

So to sum it all up – what I have learned.

Bad marks on your credit WILL come back to haunt you (I had two late payments when I was 18 that bring down my score  )

If you can’t pay cash for something – don’t buy it – unless it is a solid investment (car, home, etc.)

Keep only one low APR credit card and only put on there what you can pay off at the end of the month.

So what kinds of money management and money “rules” do you all follow?

Random Musings From Yours Truly

2006-11-27T15:34:00.000-08:00

This past month has been a whirlwind of dreams coming true, happy synchronicities and new things happening so fast I sometimes forget to stop and eat or breathe. At this moment, I have a moment and I am kind of in awe of all that has happened. In just three short weeks my life has completely changed. Things that I finally realized I deserved are coming into fruition and

I have met the male version of me - monkey butt and all. Now that is scary.

I have stock options now - like a reel lif adault.

I have two new pairs of panties - One says "Who needs mistletoe" on the butt. Don't make fun of me.

My brother has got a new dog - bringing the pug count through the roof in my family. I am not going to get a pug.

My new boss has nicknamed me, "Thread Count."

People walk around the office here with beer in their hands.

I have my own private banker.

First freelance writing job coming up :)

A certain someone has also nicknamed me "PHD in Manipulation." - whatEVER.

Rock n Republic Jeans are my new favorite jeans

I did something so crazy - everyone that knows me is going to gasp, freak out, and might collapse. I donated two giant containers of clothing to charity. It was tough. I cried at some items - but so worth it.

My body is looking better than ever. I have started taking some new sports just to mix it up a bit. Kickboxing is one of them. I am also going to be taking Pilates and of course my running. (Told you I was busy!)

I have a brand new luxury apartment.

I actually make money now!

I am pretty much on the go from 5:00 AM till bedtime - hence my lack of updates. Things are going to settle down soon, or at least come to a more even keel schedule.

People are starting to see things in me that I never saw before - like actual talent and brains and the x-factor that is needed to actually bring in something unique. In some ways it is almost weird but in others I feel as though - ok finally! I am slowly but surley starting to believe that I really do have that X-Factor - not just when it comes to charm but with brains as well.

After Thanksgiving = CHRISTMAS MUSIC TIME@!!!!!

Woooooo Hoooooo!!!

We pick up our tree in a week - it is a real one :) And you have no idea how good my pies are. I am going to make pumpkin, apple, chocolate rum, plus gingerbread, sugar cookies...oh you name it I am making it!

I love giving presents this time of year. I put a lot of thought into it as well, I am now in the planning stages but I have gotten a lot done.

I did not go to a single store on black Friday. For that alone - I deserve a medal. It was so freaking hard but thankfully I had good support for those moments of weakness where I was tempted to just drive to the store and buying something I don't need just because it is half off.

Remember my boat/new York/ slash weird dream. It is sort of coming true. Well starting to.

How's that for a busy month!!!

These Are The Days...

2006-11-26T19:18:00.000-08:00

That Rachel gets no sleep.

That Rachel hasn't parked her monkey butt down to write :(

That good new things have happened.

Don't worry, I will have some time to update tomorrow.

Then I should be back on a more regular schedule. :)

Lesson Number Two

2006-11-15T01:04:00.000-08:00

Philosophy, and therefore psychology, has two theories. We have all heard the nature vs. nurture argument. From a philosophers point of view some would say we are born Tabula Rasa and then learn our traits as products of our environment. Tabula Rasa means clean slate for those of you that have not read Aristotle or Aquinas. Go read it if you haven’t!

If someone told you right now that you could have Tabula Rasa and wipe your entire slate clean and then create the life of your choosing – what would you choose?

Now really think about this one. Most of us are programmed to choose based upon what we “should” want or what we “think we can get.”

The ego is a tricky thing. I like to call the ego a well-meaning but idiotic child. It is always there, in and each and every one of us designed to make life a learning experience.

If we had no ego we would all be in a state of Nirvana – everlasting joy and peace. However, we have this ego and it is designed to give us a purpose.

Imagine playing a baseball game in which someone told you before each game that you were going to win. You would start to lose the joy for the game right? Isn’t the triumph in winning, knowing that it is a risk and you might lose?

Triumph over ego and you win everything.

So here we have this idea that if you can get to nothing, Tabula Rasa, then you can have everything. But your ego wants to stop you.

The ego is what makes us never change and grow because where we are, even if painful, is comfortable. It is safe. Safety is the ego’s friend where risk makes the ego nervous because it can lose.

The ego makes us settle for less. It is easier.

The ego makes us give up on what we want.

The ego makes us hurt others.

The ego makes us lose hope.

The ego makes us insecure.

The ego makes us arrogant.

The ego makes us stay in a state of denial, lying to others and ourselves.

In short – the ego protects us from pain..but keeps us from true happiness.

But what if someone came to you and told you that there is a way to get to “nothing,” triumph over your ego, create the life you want to live and have a freaking fantabulous time while you are here…

If someone told you that – then how would you choose your life? Picture it in your head. Picture exactly what you want. Don’t hold back because you think you can’t have it, or can see no plausible way to get it.

So…the only question you need to ask yourselves is this:

If you take away your ego and knew for sure you could get it – what do you really really realty want?

I am curious to know but in an effort to make us all as honest as possible, please comment anonymously.

And The Award for BEST GIFT EVER Goes To....

2006-11-07T21:40:00.000-08:00

The Best Sheets Ever!!!

"Honey, what would you like to do tonight"?

"Well, geee...I dunno - Row B, Column 3 sounds fun."

If you please turn your attention to - the instruction manual in my hand. Look closer. Closer. Yeah - thats what you think it is.

This gift was given to me by my Aunt who threw me a really fun party with my friends.

Here are some highlights taken with my brand new digital camera : )

Me and Sammy - he actually came to the bars with us

Me and my uncle - by the way, the hat was not my idea

Me and my fantabulous birthday cake - it was handmade by a friend of mine :)

Me and Blair - the fantabulous cakemaker :)

my mom is one of those weird moms that does this

more pictures to come - and more festivities

P.S - I am going to get into a series of articles on here as kind of an experiment/instruction series that delves into a few things that blend some universal laws, physics and metaphysics, and such. The problem is I have so much information and so many different views on the subject matter that I am not yet sure how to articulate it to where it would make sense to the "average Joe." So if you have any advice on how to explain things in that way I would love any my readers could give.

They Say It's Your Birthday :)

2006-11-05T22:44:00.000-08:00

It's my birthday too YEAH!!

So 25 years ago today - two parents gave birth to a freaking awesome girl that had big eyes and baby face cheeks.

As you can see not much has changed since then, I pretty much look the same - same cheeks, same eyes...

Except - maybe I am a little taller, a little wiser, and..well I grew a butt and boobs and such.

Birthday festivities pretty much last the entire month of November in Rachel Land.

We kicked it off with a BBQ today...I raked it in :)

Good times Good times :)

Will be back in a couple of days...

I Am Becoming a Butterfly

2006-11-02T20:41:00.000-08:00

It would take me hours upon hours to explain where I have been and what I have been doing the past month.

I wish I could tell you all that I went on an African Safari, or that I won the lotto and have been using my time wisely making sure Nordstrom’s and Bloomies stay in business for a thousand years.

While, that is not the case, I can’t divulge too many details here.

I have been to hell and back. I have seen darkness and things have happened that have shattered my belief system , respect, and the standards I had set.

Standing in nothing, I was forced to evaluate everything. Who I am. Where I am. Who I want to be and where I want to go.

A good good friend, and someone who I hold high with utmost respect and admiration told me this (to paraphrase)

“Rachel, what the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls the butterfly. I see you and I see that you are turning into the most beautiful amazing butterfly I have ever seen.”

Besides being one of the best compliments I have ever gotten (and thank you for that, you know who you are) it opened my eyes to realize that standing in nothing is actually a good sign.

As with any change in our life, or self-transformation, or even taking the first step to get help, it is painful. It is as painful as that caterpillar breaking through his cocoon. Many people say it is the most painful thing anyone goes through. Many people give up during that time. They get familiar with that boxed in feeling. It is comfortable and safe. Breaking out is dangerous. It is scary. No one knows what is outside the cocoon.

But I broke out anyway.

Here is what I found:

- It takes courage to do the hard thing which many times are the right and just thing.

- It takes courage to see the truth about who we are but only we can change and grow. This is why many people never change (how many times have you heard that one)

- I am stronger than I give myself credit for.

- I am a good, loving person.

- I understand.

- I know how to love.

- Not one single person in this world is evil.

- I am totally freaking sexy. (I had to add that one) : )

I am now standing on the cusp of a new life. The world is spread out before me and, mark my words, I will take it on.

I won’t settle for anything less than spectacular. I won’t remain in a boxed in place of where I “should” be. If I want to do something I am going to go balls in and do it. Coward no more.

I can be anything I want. I can do anything I want. I can have anything I want. That is what the universe was designed for. Are you in a job you don’t like? Quit. Follow your bliss. That is what takes real courage and conviction. How about your town? Your heart? Your mind? Why is it you have the job you have? Is it what your parents did and you thought you should do the same? What kind of life do you really want to live? Picture what you want in your head.

I am told I am now a butterfly. My life did a 180 the past month. But now, everything seems possible.

And this sick feeling in my stomach, over my past…that will fade with time.

So many people thought of me as someone that would not go anywhere. A pretty face – nothing more.

Mark my words….my standards are set, I will not lower them, and anything less is an insult to the universe and myself.

Anyone care to join me? All you have to do is be authentic.

And maybe a little bit sexy ;)

Life in the Fast Lane

2006-10-09T23:20:00.000-07:00

Preface – I hope you all have been thinking about your three desires – we will get back to that. : )

As of late, my life has taken a turn for the crazy. (hence the lake of blogging)

To explain – this is pretty much my week.

Tuesday – school

Wednesday – work at job #1 and then school

Thursday – school

Friday – work at job #1. Then drive down to San Diego.

Saturday – work all day at job #2. Go out at night

Sunday – work all day at job #2 and go out.

Monday – work all day at job #2 . Drive home from San Diego

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

San Diego is about 1.5 hours away FYI.

I am not complaining. I love being busy. I love it.

However, just a month ago I was complaining about my lack of hours at job #1 and no way to fill my time in between classes.

And now?

Well my life has been changing at warp speed. Everything is changing. Jobs. People. Everything.

I have no idea where all this change is going to lead. I was given advice, by my mentor, that if it feels good I am on the right track. Well I feel better now than I have felt in quite a while.

Many people travel through life with a planned destination. I have not a clue what mine is. I have a general idea (writing), but other than that…I got nothing.

But do we have to know all the time?

Who made up the five-year plan rule?

Is it possible that if we just keep going keep going keep going...then we will eventually end up where we are supposed to be?

So until then…

Lather Rinse Repeat.

Lather Rinse Repeat.

Lesson #1

2006-10-06T15:28:00.000-07:00

We live in a world that is governed by laws of man. Red lights, school, patient rights, eight-hour shifts – all laws made by man.

There are other laws that have an even deeper hold on us. The laws of the Universe. Law of gravity. Law of inertia. Law of the tides. Concrete. Solid. There is no way to manipulate any of these laws. You don’t need to go to school to learn any of these laws. No one says, “Well I have to go to school to learn about gravity because if I don’t, I might go up instead of down”!

When we go about life we automatically combine the laws of man and the laws of the universe. We go about our day, struggling against time, working against the tide, speeding threw the yellow light, forcing ourselves to go upstream.

We reward ourselves with hard work. Work inspired is lazy. The harder it is the more gold stars we give ourselves.

What if I told you there was another way?

What if I told you there was a scientific Law of the universe that can help you realize that there is nothing you cannot be, do, or have.

I am on my way down to San Diego for the weekend. While I am gone I want all of you to think about a few things.

What is it you give the majority of your focus on? Past? Present? Future? Bad? Good? Happy? Sad?

What three big desires do you have?

What would you do, if you didn’t have to think about what anyone thought of you, how much money you made, or what society thought?

Think Think Think

Then we will continue.

☺

The Price People Pay for Money

2006-10-04T23:57:00.000-07:00

A couple walked into the store. One scantly clad girl wearing Frankie B jeans so low her “coin slot” could hold dollars. With her was her boyfriend, wearing a muscle tee and diamonds in both ears so large I feared I might have to get my sunglasses.

She was holding a Yorkie, about two pounds and he was holding a Chihuahua that could not have weighed more than 1.5 pounds.

Both dogs had more “bling” on them than the couple.

“Aww how cute,” and meant it, as Yorkies are my weakness. “What are their names.”?

“This is Dolce,” she said as she pointed to the Yorkie. “And, this is Gabbana.”

Fitting.

I gave the girl a once over. She was a walking designer ad.

The man had more diamonds on him than my Great Grandma Bertha.

How much money does one have to have to afford so much in life? I wondered to myself.

I mentally went over in my head thinking about what this couple must do for a living.

I do this. I study people.

And then I noticed it. The boyfriend was wearing an ankle bracelet. NOT of the fashionable kind.

He reeked of scandal.

For a second I was jealous of this girrl..before I saw the bracelet.

And then, all I felt…was sadness.

Sad that money becomes everything to people and forces them to abandon their morals.

Sad that wealth is thought to be something we need to create on the outside, instead of being wealthy within.

Sad that I was still freaking jealous that she had the new Gucci bag!

I'mmmmm Backkkkkkkk

2006-10-03T00:23:00.000-07:00

I have been out of town and I just got back so stay tuned for some updates : )

In the past 5 days I have:

Was humbled by an experience.

Met a girl and her boyfriend who owned a yorkie named Dolce and a Chi named Gabana.

Met a 17 year old one-eyed Pug

Kicked ass at some board games. I am the Uno QUEEN!

Got a little tipsy.

Got my ass grabbed by a stranger on J street who then proceeded to run away.

Had tons of fun

So tell me, how was your weekend?

A Week of Lessons

2006-09-27T22:59:00.000-07:00

The Best Sales Tactic Ever

“Hey check these shoes out” I say as I point out a pair of 600 dollar Manolos.

“OK I just lost my hard on.”

“What?? They are so cute.” I sound defeated. My ploy is not working.

I think for a minute.

“Well, picture me in them naked.”

“Alright, hard on is back.”

The shoes are mine.

Way Not to Pick Up A Woman

“Hey, do you like older men”?

“Well not too much older.”

This guy is 45. Drunk. Rich.

“Well how do you feel about spanking”?

Excuseeeeeeeeeeee moi?

Best Way To Achieve Anything – Assume you already have

“What are you”?

“I am a hot ass writer is what I am,” I say confidently.

“But, you have not been published yet,” Mr. Obvious states.

“What the hell does that have to do with anything”?!?!

Best Way to Ignore - Walk Away

“Hey Rach, I am sorry about the Angels.” I get from a phone call

GO OAKLANDDDDDD – I get from my A’s fan friend as a text,

I look at the computer.

I look at the phone.

“I gotta go to bed,” I say as I hang up the phone.

I turn off the computer

Head to my pillow.

And pout till bedtime.

Best Way To Figure Out What You Want

“I think my problem is I am not sure what job to get,” I say to my mentor.

“Well, that’s easy, ask yourself what you would do for free Then do that.”

“That’s easy. Writing of course!” I exclaim.

I think for a minute…

“But, I need to find a job to make money first. You have to work hard for the money.”

“Rach, if that were true, ditch diggers would be millionaires.”

Touche.

“Bottom line Rach, do what you love and the money will follow,” she says with a sincere smile.

And the final lesson learned this week…

Best Way to Get Anything You Want

ASK FOR IT!

: )

All Foreplay No Orgasm

2006-09-25T22:44:00.000-07:00

All Foreplay No Orgasm

It is Friday night. Two people. One Angels fan and one Padres fan. Chris Young is pitching a No-Hitter and it is the top of the ninth with two outs to go. This would be the first in Padres history.

The tension is building up as superstitions come out.

“He is pitching a GOOD game. Don’t say it Don’t say it.”

(You cannot say someone is pitching a No-Hitter until the end of the game. Bad luck.)

The other team gets a home run. The first hit of the game. Chris Young disappoints. Padres still win but a feeling of dissatisfaction follows.

All foreplay.

Meanwhile back with the Angels game. The score is 4/4 and we are in the 12th inning. My fists are clenched. Time stops.

We lose.

No Orgasm.

So many things in life cause lots of buildup with no delivery. A disappointing game. A job we had high hopes for. That really hot guy that looked like he knew what he was doing.

We all need to start packing a punch outside the bedroom.

Give me an Orgasm.

Give me a No Hitter

Give me a win after a freaking long game.

Give me the climax.

Or I might just have to scream.

The Turning Point

2006-09-22T00:10:00.000-07:00

This October my grandparents are celebrating the 10-year anniversary of their house burning to the ground along with every thing they had ever owned. Weird thing to celebrate you are thinking right?

Well, the point of the celebration is to celebrate rebirth. It is evidence that even though sometimes we can lose everything and stand in the ashes of was once our life and rebuilt it even better than it was before.

Their house grew back; they built the house of their dreams in its place. They created a palace. And slowly but surely new memories were created.

They say that in everyone’s life there is always a clearing, a clean slate, and a proverbial rug being pulled out from under us. It leaves us with a Tabula Rasa, a chance to either sink or swim, to get up and walk or stay on the ground in the comforts of misery.

This year has been my clearing. Everything that I associated with myself was lost. People died. People left. Jobs became no more. I was left standing with nothing.

Now as I look at the past months I think of what can become of Tabula Rasa. I was left standing with nothing because I had to become happy with nothing before I could ever be happy with something. So I put myself to work. I worked on me without anything to define myself or anything to rely on.

It is easy to distract ourselves from the ugly insecurities we have when we have busy jobs, projected relationships, drama, and what not. But without all of it we are confronted with all that ugly and there is no choice but to sink or swim. Clear the muck and move on creating the life that we are meant to live….that we WANT to live.

At times the “work” we have on ourselves is a lot harder than going to a job every day. It is shitty and ugly and painful.

But what happens, and what happened to me, is I slowly became a new person. Stereotypes that I had about myself and others had about me have slowly begun to drift away. A new me is born and what she is is better than I ever thought possible. Creative ideas are flowing. My focus is clearer. Life is changing..slowly but surely

The turning point came when I surrendered to the way I thought things should be and just accepted the way things are. It is when I threw my hands up into the sky and gave up control, gave up knowing, gave it all up. I became free and I became different somehow.

So I can be negative and tell myself, "Well I have not found a fulfilling job yet," or "I am not published yet," or whatnot. Or I can focus on how far I have come in the past few months. I am living successfully on my own when no one ever thought I could. I was given a new pet as a gift from my brother, the greatest gift he has ever given. I have been responsible in my job applications. I have found new relationships. I have become responsible and hard working. I have grown up. I have gained new insights about what my goals are. I have run a half marathon. I have maintained my fitness and nutrition regimen. I have grown in my craft. I have not only found my confidence again but I have fallen in love with me as I am. (or am starting to which is a start) Not bad right?

The turning point was the burning down of the house.

The new beginning was being the Phoenix that rose from the ashes.

A Few "Rules" I Follow

2006-09-20T01:47:00.000-07:00

Check and see if the guy opens the door for you. Small gesture. Big telling sign.

Open the door for the elderly. Just do it.

Never snap your fingers at the waiter. They are not servants.

Try not to yell at the customer service representative. It is shooting the messenger.

Always tip 18 – 20%- 25% at a nice restaurant. Don’t double the tax. Especially if you had alcohol. (alcohol is not taxed so you will under-tip.)

Don’t talk on your cell phone in line.

Applying lip-gloss in public is ok. But go to the restroom to apply anything else.

Treat everyone with respect, unless they prove that they cannot be respected.

Shake hands when being introduced to someone.

Remember birthdays and anniversaries. Very important.

Don’t walk ahead of your date, ever. If they walk slower, then you walk slower.

Say “please” and “thank you” to the waiter, it goes a long way.

At the grocery store, if you have a lot and the person behind you has very few, let them go ahead of you.
In the ladies room, let the pregnant woman go ahead of you if there is a line.

When you get into an elevator and are standing near the buttons, ask the other patrons what floor they would like to go to and push the button for them.

Silverware – Start from the outside going in.

Try your hardest not to fart in the elevator.

Always end emails, phone conversations, face conversations and instant messages with a proper ending. I.E Thank you, I look forward to hearing from you, love you, have a great day, see ya soon, ttfn, etc. etc.

Accept gifts and compliments with a thank you. Rejecting a gift or a compliment is like rejecting that person who gives it or calling him/her a liar.

What are some of the things you all follow?

Illusions and Magic

2006-09-18T01:18:00.000-07:00

When I was about ten years old, I saw a magician perform at a company party hosted by my father’s work. I was mesmerized from the get go and spent the entire evening following this magician around from table to table, hell bent of learning a few things. From that day forward I wanted to be a magician. This guy was very enamored by me that he even spent a bit of time teaching me a few tricks.

I was in utter awe. It was all an illusion. Subtle trickery that, even though any adult knew it was not real, could still cause them to become wide eyed little children, amazed at what their eyes were seeing.

In the few years that followed, I spent countless hours studying the craft. I went to magic shops. I got books on the craft. I practiced in my room and on my family. I “performed” for anyone I could get to sit down for a minute. I actually became quite good for a teeny tiny tot.

Today, though not a professional magician, I still love the idea of magic. We know it is an illusion. We know it is not real. And yet, we sit in front of our TVs, pay hundreds of dollars for Copperfield tickets, watch documentaries on Houdini and still can’t get enough.

This weekend I had the pleasure of seeing the movie, The Illusionist. The movie had its flaws, but the effect it set out to achieve worked beautifully. The movie, in of itself, is an illusion and yet it remains magical at the same time.

Is magic an illusion? Is it real? Do we rely on it as a source for entertainment or is there a way, if we take away all of our adult cynicism that we can remain starry eyed kids where magic IS real and the laws of nature don’t apply?

What about the mix of magic and law…metaphysics. Is that not magic? Is mind dynamics magic or an illusion? What about hypnosis? Is that not magic? NLP? Law of Attraction?

Is everything just an illusion? Do we only see what we want to see? Ignoring the trickery and slight of hand that goes on behind the curtains.

My love for magic never turned into a career (thank goodness for that because seriously they make bupkiss), but one thing it did teach me is to never only trust what only the eyes can see.

So…tell me…

Do you believe in magic?

Are We All Masochists?

2006-09-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

“Rach, what are you doing”?

“I just got home..” I reply to the phone.

I can’t sleep, it is the middle of the night and what I find myself doing is spending the last hour “window” shopping on the Internet.

I am such a Masochist.

“I am on NeimanMarcus.com. Kill me now.”

After a few clicks I am brought to a pair of Manolo Slouch boots. Priced at 1050 dollars. Hmmmmm rent or Manolos? Tough decision.

The new pair of Louboutins…700 dollars for a shoe crafted so beautifully I might cry.

“Why do you do this to yourself Rachel”?

“Its fun that’s why”!!

And it really is. Will I ever buy a 1000-dollar pair of boots? Not likely. (ok that’s a lie I tell just so you all don’t think I am crazy but when I am a millionaire you bet your ass I am going to get those.)

My grandmother told me that when they were really poor, they used to go down to the rich neighborhoods and find open houses they could walk around. This was how they spent their Sunday afternoons.

Sometimes I head over to www.40bond.com to oogle my dream home.

I know we all do this. Salivate over things we can’t afford just for fun.

Is it masochism? Are we just torturing ourselves?

There is that Chloe handbag.

*Sigh*

Those Manolos are the most perfect boots I have ever seen.

*Sigh*

Yes….it is Masochism.

My name is Rachel Heather and I let fashion torture me.

“Hello Rachel.”

:)

Falling in Love With our Bodies

2006-09-13T00:06:00.000-07:00

I need your Women’s Psychology opinion on something”

“Ask away”

This might be interesting…

“Well I just got an email from a girl that I did some work for, and she had seen the work I did and she thinks she looks fat in all of it.”

“Her exact words please”?

Sometimes men can be so lost

“Her words were, ‘Well you can use it but I look like a fat cow’! or something like that.”

Tsk tsk tsk.

“Oh honey, she just wants a compliment’!

“Huh”?

“If a women tells a guy she looks fat in a picture or something, she is just trying to get you to say, ‘oh don’t be silly you look gorgeous’ DUH”

Now obviously this women is a little less than pleased with her body and while I normally would say to ignore it, this is someone he works with and when it comes to business I always think it is better to feed someone’s ego. Agree or no?

“But, Rachel..I don’t want to lie to her”!

Men do it as well. Men who boast about their penis size, their bank account or their stellar performance in the bedroom are usually harboring insecurity about said subject.

Women just go about it in a more passive-aggressive way.

“You women are so weird. Why not just be happy with your bodies just the way they are”?

Good question I thought to myself.

That is a very good question.

Welcome to the UnTaboo Generation

2006-09-10T22:56:00.000-07:00

“Did you see the premiere of Nip/Tuck”?

“Yes, of course I did”! I almost shouted.

“Well, I am now addicted to that show. You should have seen your brother when it was on. He could hardly believe they do THAT on cable.”

I have a mental picture of my mother, father, and brother sitting around the sofa watching Dr. Christian Troy get it on with a mother/daughter duo but I shudder and quickly erase the picture from my mind.

“That show is something else,” my father mumbles with a goofy grin.

This is all too much.

Nip/Tuck – the ultimate in family entertainment. I should have never introduced them to the show to begin with. I will be haunted with those images for the rest of my life.

Later on, while in the comforts of my apartment where I can watch Nip/Tuck without the embarrassment of my mother sitting next to me, I am alerted by the familiar “bing” of an IM alert.

****** - "Hey Rach!"

It is my 11-year-old cousin in New York. This is the way my family communicates now. No joke. When I lived at home, my mother would IM me to ask questions rather than take the trip down the stairs.

Arubarachel – "Hey babe, how is my favorite cousin?"

****** - "I am really good :) I can’t wait for you to come visit. You can meet my boyfriend."

Excuse me? Ok, I admit it; I had a boyfriend in kindergarten. But, playing house and playing doctor was our relationship in its entirety. I believe boys still had coodies at the age of 11.

Arubarachel – "You have a boyfriend?"

******* - "LOL, yeah. Oh, he is here brb."

What happened to kids spending the afternoon playing Barbie?

Here lies Americans in the 21st century. Long gone are the days where families gathered around to play Monopoly. Instead we sit around and discuss the sex-lives of our favorite TV characters. Little girls have boyfriends (albeit innocent ones) at the age where I had no idea what a boyfriend stood for. We openly talk about bodily functions. Private parts are no longer private and public conversations can center around sex, periods and sperm..often all at the same time.

Another IM “bing”

****** "OUCH!"

Arubarachel – "what?"

******* "I just sneezed and farted at the same time."

See what I mean?

The phone rings and interrupts my thoughts. It is a dear friend calling to find out my weekend plans.

“Let’s see a movie”

“How about a baseball game instead?” I ask.

“Am I buying the tickets then?” he asks without being serious.

“Of course you are.”

“Well then Road Head is required for payment.”

“Nice try,” I say, “See what tickets you can find.”

I hang up the phone and sit for a minute to think. Where along the lines did any taboo subject start hanging out, in the open for all eyes to see? When did all this happen?

I can’t say I mind….It makes for excellent conversation.

25 Peeps

2006-09-08T11:18:00.000-07:00

Don't know how this happened..but I am on 25peeps.com

so click here

and refer me

cause I am applying for jobs all day

and need more entertainment.

25peeps.com

so click here

and have a Happy Friday

Taking Away The Fear

2006-09-07T02:03:00.000-07:00

I know I asked all of you what you would do different if you took away your fears. I never told you what I would do.

I have had a lot of time to think about things the past couple of weeks. Mainly because I am not working as much as I would like to and my classes are not requiring as much study time as I anticipated. In some ways this is a good thing for I have had the chance to just BE. I have had time to write. I have had time to realize that this fictional story in my head of what I thought I was I just that – fiction.

I believe a lot of what is said to us growing up gets absorbed easily and therefore it becomes a belief rather quickly.

I have had two teachers in my scholastic history that have taken the time to tell me how smart I am or how talented I am. My 5th grade teacher Mrs. Fry, with whom is still a family friend today, made me feel like a freaking genius. She encouraged my writing, she used positive reinforcement, and pointed out all the talents I never knew I had. She made me want to come to class and made learning fun. Then there was Mr. Rupp in high school. He thought I was spectacular. He thought I was this amazing talent just waiting to be discovered. The words he used in my yearbook, which I still remember today, were, “You are like the atomic bomb, who knew so much could come out of something so little.”
But two teachers out of countless does not a belief make. The rest – well what can I say about them. I was told I was dumb. I was told I was a horrible writer, or horrible at math or horrible at something. When I got an A on a test I was accused of cheating. My parents were called and told how much of a “trouble maker” I was.

They all made me hate school.

My life has had a lot of changes this year and now I am on this leading edge. I have created this clean slate – this Tabula Rasa – in which I can now walk in a direction of my choosing.

At first I was scared. Could I follow my dream? Could I make it happen? What about what I have been told? Now mind you I have never once had a family member, a boyfriend, a friend or anything of that nature call me dumb or not talented.

So the past few months I have realized something.

Those teachers didn’t know shit about me. They were projecting their issues.

With a lot of work I have been able to stomp a lot of those beliefs I used to carry with me into the ground. They are not buried completely but at least I have been doing the introspective changes to get there.

I have been applying for jobs in the field I have always wanted to be in. I have been contacting networks. I have been taking the first step. I have enrolled in some media classes. I have been getting help with my resume. I have been working on getting my ass in the door.

Martin Luther King once said, “Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase just take the first step.”

So here I am. Clean Slate. 24 years of feeling less than genius gone with the wind.

And I am not there yet.

But I am taking the first steps.

It feels fucking fantastic.

What Would Be Different...If You Take Away The Fear

2006-09-01T01:19:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to say I am going away for the holiday weekend. I shall be back on Tuesday with, I am sure, some great stories to share : )

For now I want to leave you all with a question. You don’t have to answer it right away if you don’t want to but just sit and ponder it. Answer it if you want, leave it anonymous if you must but I just want you all to think about this

What would you do…if you were not afraid?

Whenever I had a problem or a conflict in my head or any confusion and I asked a wise wise person what I should do..this is the question that was given to me.

You all know. It is that crossroads. That fork in the road. The weary feeling. The confusion. The stress.

The question is something to ponder and I want all you readers to think about this one.

What would you do if you knew when you jumped that a net was down there?

What would you do if you knew you would not get hurt?

What would you do if you knew that when you swung you could not strike out.

What would you do..if you took away the fear?

Think of it this way. Fill in the blanks. "If I were not afraid of _________, I would ____________"

Ok, that’s all : ). Think about it. Have a great one!

Opinions...Everyone Has Got Them

2006-08-30T00:40:00.000-07:00

“Rachel you are too much of a dreamer, put yourself in reality.”

“Rachel just focus and graduate and then worry about your career.”

“Rachel work on your career while you are in school.”

“Rachel, don’t date him.”

“Rachel, date him I like that one.”

“Rachel you need to stop coming across as overly confident.”

“Rachel be more realistic.”

“Rachel, you are part evil.”

“Rachel you drive me nuts.”

“Rachel don’t worry about it, go with the flow.”

“Rachel, you better start worrying about it.”

“Rachel, you look expensive, it is intimidating.”

“Rachel you are too nice.”

“Rachel you need to stop believing in your dream world and start looking at reality.”

“Rachel – never give up on your dreams.”

“Rachel I love you, and I know you will do what is best for you. Date who you want to date. Follow the career of what makes you happy. You will do great”

“Rachel, you look expensive.”

Now which one do you think I should listen to?

Opinions. Everyone has got ‘em. I got them coming at me in spades.

Except here is something I have learned. For every single person in my life there are that many opinions…and usually more.

Opinions are just what someone believes. What we believe is what comes to pass (consciously and subconsciously). And so here and now I have made the conscious decision to not listen to anybody (unless I want to) and just follow my intuition.

It has never failed me in the past. It sure as hell not gonna fail me now.

What are some things people have told all of you that make you get all mind chattery? Does anyone else have this happen to him or her?

When did it not become ok to trust our gut?

Joseph Campbell (amazing author) said, what I consider to be, three of the most powerful words ever spoken (EVER!!!)….”Follow your bliss.”

“Follow your bliss, and doors will open where there were none before…”

Now that is some advice I think I will take.

Maybe We Are All Somebody's Guardian Angel

2006-08-27T22:17:00.000-07:00

As I was walking through the bookstore I brought myself to the oh-so-familiar Concert DVD section. Not that I need any more Concert DVDs, but it is always fun to look. Of course, sometimes I end up buying anyway but that is a whole other story.

So anyway, I was walking around MY section and I notice a man, probably in his 40s standing near the section with a young girl, around 8.

“Daddy, which one are you going to get?” I overhear her say. I take a look and notice the little girl has Downs’s syndrome.

Father is holding two DVDs in his hands, obviously contemplating which to get for his daughter.

Curiosity got the best of me and I scooted over to get a better look. Ahh, he was holding two different Beach Boys DVDs and a smile spread across my face.

“Excuse me, but sir I would probably go with that one if it is her first…more songs less talking.” I say as I give the little girl a wink.

The little girl smiled up at me and said proudly, “Daddy is teaching me about good music.”

“Well he is a smart man. Did you know that the Beach Boys are one of the greatest bands in history”?

“Oh I know that,” she said as she put her hands on her hips.

I bent down to her eye level and gave her a smile, “Well then you are one smart lady.”

This got a giggle out of her.

“Well Daddy says they are his Angels.”

The Father gives a laugh as he replaces the other DVD back on the shelf, going with my recommendation.

“Well that is how I met her mother, so we have a joke about it.”

The little girl, dressed in a simple pink outfit is almost too cute for words.

I had had such a rough day that probably anything remotely sweet was going to be too cute for words. But, seriously, too cute for words. Then again, any young kid learning good music is a soft spot for me.

Angels he said? What of Angels? Do we all have them? Do they guide us?

I reached across the shelf and pulled out another band and hand it to the little girl.

“Well these guys are my Angels. I bet if you ask nicely he might get you this one too.” I say as I stand up straight and get ready to wish them a good day.

“Hey thanks for the recommendations.” The father says politely.

I wished them a good day and walked away.

I was still in earshot when I heard the little girl ask, “Daddy who was that pretty lady, I like her.”

“I don’t know sweet pea. Maybe she was an Angel.”

Now…that was too cute for words.

Help a kid learn good music: Free

Feel a bit better: 15.99 (Hey I told you I usually buy something)

Realize I am somebody’s Angel: Priceless

The Semester Started

2006-08-25T01:43:00.000-07:00

...so I took a break from blogging this week so I could settle into a routine.

I promise to be back in a couple of days since I have A LOT To Blog about :)

Until then have a fabulous weekend and please pray for The Angels series against the Yanks.

*sigh*

We Still Have Clubs and Cliques

2006-08-21T23:42:00.000-07:00

One of the things I got to attend this weekend was the annual San Diego SurfDog Competition held on Imperial Beach (the southern most beach before Mexico) with a big party afterwards at Coronado.

My Aunts Pet Boutique Store (www.shopluckydog.com shameless promotion I know) was one of the major sponsors so I went to lie out on the beach and catch these talented pups in action.

As I lay there I got to think how funny it is that everyone has such unique ideas of what to be passionate about. Surfers. Music Snobs. Shoppers. It seems everyone picks one or two things and sticks with them, mastering the art of the Pointless Talent.

I can’t surf (I have a couple of times but I am not that great), I can’t snowboard (bad experience) and I sure as hell can’t get any of my dogs to Hang Ten. But there are people everywhere, bonded by these passions and extracurricular activities that make them unique.

How many people do you know that met their significant other at some sort of event for their quirky obsession? – surfers hang with surfers, music snobs flock together….

I first got to thinking about this during another recent San Diego trip where I found myself accidentally immersed in the National Over The Line Tournament. I barely knew this game and yet thousands turned up from around the Nation to celebrate the game and a weekend of debauchery.

And now we have SurfDogs. The ultimate extravagance in Dog obsession.

So what are my quirky obsessive talents or passions that cause me to belong to cliques that rival high school?

If now were high school, and we had a national yearbook…what would it say next to my picture?

Rachel Heather –Member of…

…The Music Snob Club…

…The Dancer Club…

…The Dog lover club…

…New Yorkers Unite….

….Why Shoes Make an Outfit Club…

…Handbag Nation…

…Baseball is Life, the rest if just Details Club…

….Mastering Persuasion Club...

Maybe my dog can’t surf, but I can sure make him look handsome in an outfit.

Life and Death

2006-08-18T12:47:00.000-07:00

I am leaving town for the weekend but before that...a long day at work

I am walking around to the different sections of the hospital to drop off the day’s news flashes. I come to a familiar door and tension sets in. The ICU.

My breath quickens as I flash my badge to buzz me in. I don’t like this place. This place smells of death and decay. There are family members in waiting rooms outside looking pale and people inside stuck in isolated rooms.

Many people in the ICU are elderly. Frail and weak, nearing the end of their life and I feel as if that essence rubs off on me whenever I walk through there.

I pass by a women and glance in her room. She looks about 100 years old. Tubes are sticking out of her and she is lying down with her mouth agape because of a breathing tube.

I shudder.

This place smells like death.

It seems this place is a passageway to the other side.

Do these people know they will die?

Even though many people in the ICU live, surviving heart attacks, strokes, etc…many must know that this might be their final destination before they head up to the Pearly gates. I venture to guess that this lady, who looks about 100 years old, knows somewhere inside her that age is catching up to her and she will probably die.

At that moment I hear a “Code Blue” on the intercom and a rush of people run into 100-year-olds room. Her heart stopped beating.

Is it the end?

I rush out of there before I could find out. I don’t like death. I don’t understand it, and my best bet is to stay far away from it.

My next stop is the Women’s Hospital. It is the place where, it seems, every woman in Orange County goes to give birth thanks to the best doctors, best birthing suites and great press. The skylights in there give a bright happy feeling to the place and it smells like baby lotion and flowers. Much better.

I pass by an open suite as I head to the nurses station. I glance inside to see a young mother holding a bundled up tiny baby.

She has this glow on her face. She coos at her baby and her proud husband stands over her snapping five thousand pictures. Family and friends are gathered in the room to celebrate. I see a “It’s a Girl” balloon attached to some flowers.

I smile at that image. New life is always a happy occasion.

It seems that image has just washed away the deathly images I have leftover from the ICU.

Even though this new baby will one day make the transition to old lady...even though I know it all comes full circle...I can't help but smile.

Yes, I think to myself, death is certain…but Life, new Life…is much happier to think about.

You Can Get Away With Anything When You Are Adorable

2006-08-16T01:23:00.000-07:00

For the next two weeks I am babysitting a kitten. This is a big deal being that it is sort of a “test run” to see if I can take care of an animal at my apartment (my animals live with my parents).

This one pound black embodiment of all that is evil and adorable is sitting next to me sleeping.

She looks so cute when she sleeps.

Oh, if only she could sleep for 24 hours.

I walk around my apartment and all of a sudden this evil yet adorable thing attacks my feet. I type on my keypad and she attacks my hands. This apartment is now her plaything.

I want to not like her. I want to yell at her.

She just bit me.

But, then she gives me this “look.” This look, as if to say, “I am so adorable that no matter what I do you will love me,” makes me want to hug her and scream at the same time.

My feet and hands have been attacked. She is now on the ground chasing the air. But, this adorable evil creature has clawed into my heart. Awwwwwww

Now I get why I get away with so much. You sure get away with a lot when you are adorable.

Sunday, I went to lunch and a movie with my “scary movie buddy.” This is not a title I gave him but more of a title that was formed by the fact that he is now the only person in my life that will see a scary movie with me. Everyone else quit that job. So SMB fell into the job because he is brave and does not mind pain.

We went to see The Decent. I highly recommend this movie to anyone who likes the genre. It is one of the scariest, but well made, scary movies I have seen in a long long time. It, not only gets you with the fright fest, but it gets under your skin psychologically. Darkness, closed spaces, being trapped…and then the flesh eating monsters come out.
Poor Scary Movie Buddy….I actually drew blood this time.

It started with a certain scene (I won't give it away) and then escalated from there. I grabbed his arm in a panic and hid my face from the screen. He yelled out in pain and turned to give me a glare. I gave him a "look" as if to say, "I am so adorable I can get away with anything."

He cautiously let me hold onto him for the rest of the movie. He just made sure he was prepared.

Ya see, me and Kitty....not too different now are we? We can both draw blood and get away with it. Though, I have to admit...she is far cuter than I am when she sleeps.

Sometimes Mothers Know Exactly What to Say

2006-08-14T02:12:00.000-07:00

sorry for my vanishing act. I had a busy week. Shopgirl - you are close in your thinking, but not found at the beach.

Saturday, at my grandfather’s birthday my dad interrupted the loud banter to make a toast.

“I would like to make a toast to my lovely wife,” he said, “she just got promoted to Director and it’s a big huge deal and I could not be more proud of her.”

Clinking of the wine followed.

I am very proud of my mother. It is a great accomplishment.

“I would also like to congratulate my son for his new contract at work which is amazing. And to my son and his wife for their very first home purchase.”

I mentally roll things over in my head. No contracts for me. No home ownership. Do I get a toast too? Everyone else in my immediate family did.

So I pipe up jokingly, “And congrats to Rachel for being the little black sheep’!

“That is so like you Rachel,” Brother said, “Always trying to hog the spotlight.”

Where is the sense of humor here, I thought it was funny!

But all joking aside, sometimes I wish I had some major thing like a promotion. I guess being happy is not a big accomplishment anymore.

My mother, who was sitting down in front of me, turns around and gives me a look like she knows exactly what I am thinking.

She leans into me and whispers,

“And I would like to toast my daughter for being the best daughter anyone could ask for.”

And then I thought to myself, “yeah that IS something to toast about.”

I walked away smiling, because I have one hell of a mother.

Even if she was fibbing….just a little.

Tell Me What You Know

2006-08-08T01:57:00.000-07:00

You Know…

You know when someone is insecure if when you compliment them they call you a bitch.

You know when someone is addicted to baseball when they schedule their work, dates, and sex around a game.

You know when someone is addicted to shopping when they get thank you notes from sales people saying, “Thank you so much for allowing me to get my new plasma.”

You know when someone is obsessed with their dog when you call them and they begin to tell you about their “pooh bear’s” bowel movements,

You know when someone loves you when you piss him or her off and they give you a hug anyway.

You know when someone is comfortable around you when they let out a loud fart and laugh instead of saying “excuse me.”

You know you have been ordering some odd stuff on Amazon when The Art of Fellacio comes up on the “Recommended for you based on what you have bought” page.

You know you are a geek when you collect any sort of dolls, figurines, or overpriced collectables on ebay of your obsession (major bonus points if you have any dolls of said obsession and are male)

You know you are not in Kansas anymore when you see a fat man wearing a diaper and cupid wings.

You know you have a good friend when you can see them after being apart for a long time and it is as if nothing has changed.

You know you have faith when everything can be going wrong and you keep on walking forward anyway.

You know you need a car wash when a homeless man writes “Wash me I am dirty” in the dirt on the back window.

You know you will always put your foot in your mouth when anyone asks you to guess his or her age/weight/attractive factor.

You know you can know a lot about a person based upon how they treat the waiter.

You know that after a few New Castles…everyone seems funnier.

You know you are a dancer when you are actually looking forward to the move, Step Up.

You know you love music when you plan vacations around concerts.

You know you can always feel good or even just a little bit better.

You know that the most important thing is to Follow Your Bliss.

Tell me…what do you know?

Dreams Dreams Dreams

2006-08-03T01:48:00.000-07:00

We all have weird vivid nutty dreams sometimes. I will show you mine if you show me yours….deal? By the way, I loved everyones comments about beliefs (Yes all of them) :)

Allright here we go….

I am sitting on a boat, looking at the sunset. I am waiting for that exact moment when the sun slips away and for a brief moment of time a green flash appears. There is a cool wind over the warm air and as I sit there with my feet dangling over the edge of the boat a voice echoes behind me…

“Who are you?” she asks.

I turn around and an old woman is standing behind me. She is little and yet seems strong. Lines give evidence of her age but her flashing, vibrant eyes contradict that. She sits down beside me and dangles her bare feet over the edge.

“Well”?

“I am Rachel.” I reply

The sun is nearing its decent for the day and the clouds are now illuminated beautiful colors of orange and purple.

“I didn’t ask your name dimwit. I asked who you were”

“Hey this is my dream! Are you allowed to call me a dimwit in my dream”?

Seeing her silence I decide to give her what she wants

“Well I am a girl, I am a girl who likes music and baseball and shopping and pretty things and writing…”

She stops me cold and replies, “I didn’t ask what you like. Damn you really don’t know do you.”

“Well, since you think I am some ass monkey who does not know red from green why don’t you TELL ME WHO I AM” I reply angrily.

“Watch the sunset.”

I look over and at the moment the sun disappears behind the ocean. A green flash emerges and then quickly dissipates and all that is left is the bright colors of the orange sky.

I sigh. This is some fucked up dream.

“Rachel. What you are is what you desire. Desire makes you who you are. Think about that and I will get back to you.”

With that she is gone and once again I am on the boat watching the stars emerge.

Suddenly, I am in the city. The big city. How did I get here? Oh yeah, this is a dream.

The streets are completely empty and I find myself sitting on the stoop of a pre war building.

I notice a man walking towards me. He is, also an older man. He is tall and distinguished with a head full of gray hair. His clothes seem outdated but he walks with a confident step.

“Hey Mister,” I shout at him, ‘Where did everybody go”?

“’Fraid it is just me Miss. But I am here to help you.” He smiles a warm smile and I notice his laugh lines crinkle a bit when he does.

“I don’t need help though.”

“Yes you do. You want to know the meaning of life.”

“Ummmm, doesn’t everyone”?

He hands me a box and asks me to open it to learn what the meaning of life is and then walks away.

I stare down at the box in my hands and turn to open the lock.

It is empty inside. Empty? The meaning of life is empty?

“Hey Old man!” I call after him. “I don’t get it. How can the meaning of life be nothing”?

He stops walking and turns around. His lips curve into a smug smile and he throws his hands up in the air.

“This is your dream, little one…why don’t you tell me”?

I hate mind games!

“Life is meaningless”?

“Well duh!” he replies. Do old people say “duh”?

“Then what is the point of living?” I say, getting a little upset.

“Good question. But then again if life were meaningless, then the point of living is what you decide to put in that box then huh”?

And, with that he walks away again.

Once again I am sitting on the boat and am alone. It is nighttime now and the only sounds are the gentle lapping of the water against the base of the boat. I hear a noise behind me and look to see a man. Not just any man. It is HIM!! He is here!!! Damn better than two old people! HE came!!!

He sits down beside me and grabs my hand. I look him over and smile.

“So are you ready?” he asks eagerly.

“Ready for what”?

“To fill that box with what you desire of course! You think I sent old wise people for nothing?!”

Ohhhhhhhh….now I get it!!

“Well what do I have to do”?

“OK grab my hand. Don’t worry I won’t let you go, cross my heart,” he says as he gives a slight wink.

I grab a hold of his hand and we stand up on the ledge of the boat.
“You ready”?

“I am ready.”

“Ready to get everything you desire?” he says softly

“I am ready damnit now tell me what to do”!!

Patience is not my strong suit. Obviously. Plus this is like the weirdest dream I have ever had.

“All you have to do is let go.”

And with that he tightens his grip on my hand and we jump into the dark sea below us.

What Do You Believe?

2006-07-31T02:20:00.000-07:00

I believe that all is fair in love and rock n’ roll. I believe that the path to Eden leads straight through paradise. I believe that your soul meets your body where the ocean meets the sand, I believe in Juicy Couture Jeans. I believe that the cost of freedom is buried in the ground. That Sodomy is between God and me. In red wine. In New Castle. In 85% dark chocolate. I believe that you can seduce someone with your eyes or an ass wiggle when you walk. I believe in change. I believe we are young despite the years. We are concern. We are hope despite the times. I believe in green eyes. In security blankets. In the difference between self-love and conceit. I believe music saves your mortal soul. That baseball is a class act and that tivo is the greatest invention since sliced bread. I believe that I have so much life running through my veins that I am going insane. Lets imitate reality. I believe I am the radio song, the one that you turned up. I believe that love will be my strongest weapon. That Oral is fun. In concerts. In scary movies and romantic comedies. I believe there is nothing you cannot be do or have. I believe that guys with good taste in music are more interesting and better looking. I believe in a thing called love. I believe in superheroes. I believe I can get whatever I want. I believe I get everything I want eventually. I believe Mr. Big was a better guy to be with than Aiden. I believe everybody needs somebody to love. I believe in caffeine, in high heels and flip-flops. I believe in peace rather than being anti-war. I believe that since everyone is dying, maybe it is time we live. I believe it is never too late. I believe it takes courage to right a wrong, to take it back, to apologize and swallow our pride. I believe in grabbing my guy’s ass in public...and holding his hand. I believe we are allowed to want what we want without anyone saying otherwise and I believe that the Angel’s will kick the A’s ass this week and come out on top. I believe in sunrises and poetry. In ice cubes and electronic bill pay. I believe nothing is wrong, hats only work on some girls, and the ego is the only cause of ones suffering. I believe in kissing…lots and lots of kissing and really hot showers…with someone in there with you. I believe true love shouldn’t be easy to find, cause then the quest to get it would have no reward. I believe hindsight is 20/20, springtime in New York is perfect, America is a pretty damn good country, mint chocolate chip ice cream is a great accessory to summer and guys with fake tans cannot be trusted. I believe in the hot dog, the Koala bear and diamonds….lots of diamonds.
I believe in filing my cup and making me happy, in lazy days and passion fruit.

Dear ones, tell me….what do you believe?

And bonus points to anyone who can tell me what song lyrics are sprinkled in there : )

How Rachel Heather Lost Her Modesty

2006-07-28T01:20:00.000-07:00

This is a quite embarrassing (not for me but maybe for readers) story and deeply personal and yet recent conversations have inspired me to write it. If you are modest and/or blush easily…please skip now.

As I have touched upon before, I got very sick when I was 13 and as such had to be put on very high doses of prednisone. I am not talking about the doses they give to asthma patients. I am talking about doses as high as they gave Mickey Mantle post transplant. Many of you may not remember, but post transplant with all that prednisone (a type of steroid) he ballooned out. Need a visual? Think of Violett in Willy Wonka.

So there I am at 13, gaining 45 pounds on my very tiny frame. People actually stopped recognizing me but I will get into that story later.

Fast forward a couple of years and all of that weight had come off, I was my petite self again and back to dancing. Except one thing. My freaking boobs were gianourmous! You know those anorexic looking models or porn stars with HUGE boobs and you have to wonder if they might topple over if the wind picked up even the slightest? That is Rachel Heather at the age of 15.

I hated it. OK girls I know what you may be thinking (“is she nuts” comes to mind) but picture a 4’11” (ok fine at that time I was more in the 4’9” category) who was 90 pounds with melons that might look normal on a girl of the 5’7” variety but looked quite “odd” on me. Factor in that being a competitive dancer ain't a good thing if you have large jugs.

Age 16, I finally convinced my mother to let me get a Breast Reduction. I called it a very expensive conversion back to tiny tank tops with no bra.

Was I nervous? No.

I was not nervous when I went in for my consultation and had to disrobe for my dad’s college roommate who happens to be the best plastic surgeon in town.

I was not nervous when he took pictures of my breasts.

I was not nervous when he grabbed a red marker and starting drawing on my boobies making me look like a porno version of a circus clown.

“What size do you want to be?” he asked me.

I immediately liked and trusted him because he did not ask my mother that question, he asked me. I also had seen pictures of him drunk, flipping off the camera, in the old UCLA dorm so I had blackmail just in case he fucked it up.

“I just want to be the size I was supposed to be, as if I were never on the meds,” I explained to him.

Much to the shock and awe of my friends and fellow dancers I went ahead and scheduled the surgery.

As I walked into the hospital on the morning of my surgery the nerves finally set in. Though, I was determined not to show it I secretly just wanted to hold my mothers hand through the whole damn thing.

It was one thing for my doctor to feel my Cha Chas but quite another to have a room full of surgeons, anesthesiologists, nurses, interns and residences' all staring at my naked body while it was being cut to shreds, prodded, poked, maneuvered, and sewn back together again. I had not even gotten naked in front of a boy yet and here I was putting on a whole show!

See when I put it that way who would not want to shit their pants?

I sat in the pre-op room and took off my clothes and Dr. Vladamir (yes my plastic surgeon was named Vladamir….I see your smirks) came in to discuss the procedure and do my pre-op clown markings.

I handed him a size XS pretty purple tank top with no room for a bra or anything besides a b-cup.

“Just in case you forgot the size"! I told him, trying to use humor to deflect my feeling of impending doom.

By now you all probably think I am totally nuts. Stick with me.

I am wheeled into the operating room and a friendly (almost too friendly..like the kind that try to smile really big when they tell you that you are going to die) nurse walks in. She is too enthusiastic and it makes me want slap her except she has drugs in her hand so I would rather play nice so she can share the wealth.

“Would you like something to relax?” she asks me

“Hell yeah,” I say, “I will take whatever it is you got”

She inserts a needle into my IV while telling me this would help with the nerves.

I don’t even remember falling asleep. All I remember is opening my eyes, feeling heavy and glancing at the clock to see that it is 6 hours after I first went into the operating room.

Holy shit! That witch tricked me!

OK at this point I am on drugs so the thoughts coming out of my head will have to remain classified for I don’t want any readers to judge my sanity.

The surgery was a success. I was given my own suite in the hospital (benefits of having a dad that is one of the head honchos) and was catered to by many nurses including one very handsome man who I think I made a bad first impression on.

I didn’t do much; I just threw up on him…no biggie right?

Everyone made a big deal about it. It might have been the exquisite morphine but, honestly, nothing really fazed me. I felt pain (pain like I cannot even describe so I won’t) but then it went away and I was floating up in the air and laughing. Or I was sleeping. When the pain was not there, I only felt pressure.

They told me I could not dance for six weeks. I was back dancing in four.

When I head back to the dance studio my dance teacher takes me into the backroom and asks to see my new boobies. No, this is not odd. My dance teacher has known me since I was three; she was just excited for me. So I went and showed her my boobs along with some fellow dancers. I got big huge hug (as much of a hug as you can give someone with a big bandage and stitches)

From then on out, I did not give two flying shits who I showed them to. Friends saw them. My best guy friends saw them. I was so proud I might as well have walked around topless shouting to the world, “Hey look at these! Look at how perky they are!!!”

When I went to visit my plastic surgeon for my post surgery check up his response was, “Gorgeous. Just perfect.”

To this day it does not bother me. I have gone into the bathrooms at nightclubs to show complete strangers because after hearing that they want to get one, and I confess I have had one, they promptly want to see if I have any scars and judge my boobs on whether or not they should get one.

So that is how I lost all my modesty at the age of 16. People saw me naked. People saw me throw up on them. People saw me ramble about God-knows-what while on morphine, people saw my breasts with stitches…and when that happens, how can you remain modest?

I loved my Cha Chas after that. Occasionally I would accidentally find myself grabbing them. Even to this day sometimes my trainer has to nudge me while at the gym because I forget I am feeling myself up in public.

Sometimes people ask me if it was worth it. Yes it was horrifically painful, more pain then I have ever felt. (I glossed over the pain part because hello, blog has been depressing lately). Yes I had scars. (Though they are so so faded now that you have to get real real real close to see them. How close? Well put it this way, if you are not my boyfriend you probably won’t notice. In fact one boyfriend never did...not very attentive that one)

So when anyone wonders, why I like my body so much and why I am not modest in the least about being naked, I always tell them, “Well my dad’s college roommate saw me naked, I figure everything else is just gravy.”

Besides, I have ten thousand dollar boobs and how many women can say that?!?!

Wait, I live in SoCal..so I guess a lot huh?

The "Block" is a Deadly Thing

2006-07-26T23:24:00.000-07:00

The past few days I have had an uncharacteristic case of Writer’s Block. It does not happen often but it does happen sometimes. I usually sit and wait it out, take a break from writing and whatnot. But, my newfound promise to myself to write 1-2 hours a day NO MATTER WHAT has made it impossible for me to wait out this BLOCK.

So I aimed to consult the experts.

One expert that comes to mind, as always, is one of my personal heroes, Ray Bradbury. I have taken much of his advice on writing to heart, including his main rule of, “If you want to be a writer, then write.” I have seen him speak a few times and always forget to ask him this important question. What do you do when you are blocked for ideas?

Michael Stipe once got very very blocked. So he traveled and during this album, where he was so blocked, they ended up recording it in a few different places because of his blockage. However, as always, and maybe because of the traveling and seeing new places, he got rid of it. BUT I am not traveling anytime in the next month so....there goes that solution.

So the next personal writing hero…Kevin Smith. Kevin’s style, though not liked by some, is an inspiration to me. Not only can he write amazing dialogue but also he never never never stops writing. When he is not writing a movie, he is writing a book. When he not writing a book he is updating his blog. He blogs all the time. He writes all the time and not once have I ever seen him take much of a break. I did not get to personally ask him the question of what he does when he has writers block. However, on a DVD of his he addresses this subject.
In short, Kevin said he has never had much of a problem with writer’s block and when he does he just “rubs one out” and it is over.

So is that what I am supposed to do?

Is the answer to many writers’ frustrations simply to “rub one out”?

I can’t imagine myself in a meeting with my future boss when he asks me how my “front page feature” is coming along (This is my fantasy I get front page) and I answer,

“Well boss, I am kind of stuck right now. I am going to go to the bathroom with my Jack Rabbit vibrator here and I will see what I can come up with.”

Yeah I can imagine that solution might not be worker appropriate.

So I ask all of you out there, and those of you that are writers…how do you get rid of “The Block.”

Enlighten me.

Make Sure You Act Like a Kid Sometimes

2006-07-25T00:32:00.000-07:00

As I was taking an early afternoon nap on the sofa I saw the blinds being closed on the floor to ceiling window adjacent to me, blocking out the late afternoon sun.

“Why did you do that”? I said groggily.

“The peeping Toms are back” was the answer.

I was being protected.

And who were these Peeping Toms that spent their afternoon taking pictures of me through a window?

Two Thirteen-Year-Old boys. Two young boys who take pictures of the apartment as well as heckle girls down on the street while humping the air. Classy. It is hard to believe such young kids can be so perverted. What happened to the days when young boys spent their time with legos and star wars figures? These kids spend their days dry humping a balcony gate while invading others' private time.

On Sunday, during the day, before our evening concert, the day was spent at Sea World.

I got to see Shamu and the Polar Bears. I got to feed the dolphins and get wet on water rides. I felt like a kid again.

Marine animals are another thing I am obsessed with (take a look at my 100 things post and you will see one number about Orcas).

As I watched these animals I loved and adored I got to thinking about my own childhood.

I was one of the lucky children. I had a childhood filled with hope and beauty and love. I got to have my innocence for as long as possible and now, as an adult, I cherish spending days reliving that childhood where everything seemed magnificent.

As the day came to an end, and we walked out of the park carrying multiple bags full of goodies I got to thinking about my peeping toms.

I was not angry or upset. I just felt sorry for them. Because, where is their childhood?

When they are all grown up with women problems are they going to look back at their childhood and love every memory of it? Or will they be in therapy discussing how their women troubles began when they were young boys who took pictures of women while they slept?

I know I am not a kid anymore. But, it is nice to know if I ever need it...Shamu is just a car ride away.

The Apple May Fall Far From The Tree...

2006-07-20T01:16:00.000-07:00

But...the the seeds are still the same

They say the apple never falls far from the tree. I always disagreed with that statement because I don’t look like most people in my family (except a few features here and there) and I have always considered myself the oddball black sheep that everyone looks at and thinks, “Did that girl come from my blood”?

I have always been the girl who never identified with my families great business skills, mathematical ability and the natural inclination to never get into any trouble. My parents are both successful business people and what everyone loves about me at my job is “my personality and smile.” My mom does my taxes and I cannot even grasp the idea of Quicken. My father is even keel and calm and I have enough energy to illuminate New York for a week. Don’t get me wrong; I happen to think I will be very successful as well. But, my strengths are nothing like my families’ strengths.

However, at certain times I have been shown some evidence that, while I may be the oddball in the family, there are some traits they did pass on to me.

The evidence

So, how did I get so interested in the body?

When I walked into my grandmothers house a couple of weeks ago I was greeted by my very beautiful grandmother who then proceeded to lift up her dress.

“Look at these glutes sweetie! Can you believe how tight they are for a woman turning 70!”?

“Wow Grandma, yeah you have a great body”

“I know,” she said still holding her dress up, showing her black lacy underwear, “Come on feel them, and I don’t even have cellulite”!

And my obsession with shopping?

Text message received by Mother on the day of the Nordstrom sale:

“Hi sweetie. I am running to the Nordies sale. Do you want me to pick you up any Hanky Panky Panties? I am not going to get much, probably just the one D&B bag.”

Five Hours Later

“Hi sweetie, I got four pairs of shoes and three handbags in honor of Nala.”

I text message back: “Ummmm, I thought Dad gave you a budget”?

She writes back: “He did. But, I am emotional.”

My openness to talk about butts, boobs, and penises anywhere and everywhere?

I am standing in my parents kitchen when my dad says, “Ya know I think Boris (my pug) has a penis complex.”

“HUH”?

“Well I feel bad for the guy, he has a small penis.”

I am sitting with my eight-year-old cousin watching a Britney Spears DVD.

“Rachel, look at that,” she says, “I can see her nipple”!

My obsession with reading?

All four walls of my parents three-car garage is lined floor to ceiling with books. I have three bookshelves in my apartment of books and four more at my parents’ house of books that would not fit here.

My love for music?

I walk into my parents house to the sounds of Creedance Cleerwater playing loudly in the background. My father is in the kitchen and I am not sure which I can hear louder…the CD or my father putting food in the microwave and singing at the top of his lungs, “Dowwwwnnnn onn the Cornerrrrrrr”

Don’t even get me started about when he sings “Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds.”

Every single time I visit my brother he hands me a stack of about 10 CDs and all he says is, “Here listen to these.”

So maybe my apple did fall far from the tree…but they at least passed on some of the flavor. Maybe I am not adopted after all.

So what traits and/or interests do you all think have been passed down to you from your family?

Take Off The Mask and Show Me You

2006-07-18T02:34:00.000-07:00

On Saturday my very cute outfit was topped off with my very very cute and very sexy Juicy Couture Newsboy hat. When I wear that hat (as is the same when I wear my Burberry hat) I feel like a Queen Bee. I feel even more confident and sexy than I already think I am.

The hat is my black feather (Dumbo reference for those of you that forget such good movies). I can fly when I wear my hat.

As we are walking, or should I say sauntering, to the various bars we were going to I was told that a couple of them were very hard to get in to.

“We might have to wait a bit Rach.”

“Oh no problem," I shrug off.

We get to On Broadway, a huge huge nightclub built in an old bank. It has seven dance floors including a soundproof dance floor in the old vault.

A line had formed outside.

As we walk up I jump over the rope, cut in line and head toward the bouncer.

I flash a smile at the bouncer and he smiles back.

“Would you like to come inside?” he asks.

Since when do bouncers invite?

“Yeah me and him” I reply.

Wow, I thought to myself. That is four clubs I did not have to wait in line at tonight! It is the hat! My hat is lucky.

We made our way down the stairs and into the vault room where we settled on some sofas to take in our surroundings.

“Rachel, you know you could get any guy you want right”?

“No I cannot” I reply.

“I am just being honest”

“Since when are you the authority?” I know I can’t get just any guy. “I look like crap in the morning, trust me. I just clean up well,” I say trying to keep the conversation light.

Because, I know I am not perfect. We covered that illusion. I know I have my "faults" and I know I am no model or even the next Bill Gates.

But then I got to thinking…

Is it really the tight jeans and the hat that makes me bypass lines, receive heartwarming compliments, and all the love I have?

What if I was to just stand there completely bare? No hat. No makeup. Hair a mess. No clothing. Nothing but me and all of me. Would I still get it all?

We wear “masks” to become something else. A perfect example of this is Jim Carrey in the movie, The Mask. We have personas and we have roles we play. We feel confident in a certain outfit. We feel sexy in another. We feel powerful in our business suits and we feel successful in another. Baseball players have lucky socks they don't wash. And even Presidents and politicial people wear the "red tie."

But what if we strip it all away? What if I show all of me? Am I still that girl? Can we be so lucky even without our lucky charm?

It might come as a surprise but I don’t let people see all of me easily. It takes a lot of trust to let somebody in to see all of who I am. But those that have seen it, love me...so why the mask?

“You really think I can get any guy I want”?

“You’re the package that is for sure.”

So maybe it is what is under the mask that makes us special. We don’t need special jeans or lucky hats or any rabbit’s feet. Dumbo was able to fly without the feather.

His belief in himself made it so.

It was then that I realized that who I am is enough to get exactly what I want.

“I think I am rather drunk” I smile.

And then, I let myself just be.

Nordstroms, Nudity and Guys

2006-07-14T15:19:00.000-07:00

“Hey where are you? Why is it so noisy”?

“I am at THE Nordies sale, remember”?

I have my ear-piece in and I am talking on the phone as I make my way through the crowded aisles full of very aggressive women spending more money than they do in an entire year while their husbands, boyfriends and fathers read the newspaper and groan at the café upstairs.

Yes I am talking about the Anniversary Sale, a National Holiday in my neck of the woods. The ladies line up at 6:00 a.m just so they can be the first to grab the heavily discounted fall lines before they either a) sells out (which the hot items often do on the first day) or b) before the prices go up in two weeks.

This sale is the only sale where NEW clothes go on sale first. It is all new. It is all wanted. And, it turns normally dignified women into raging loonies.

“Rach..hellooo..you still there”?

“Yeah I am still here. It is nuts”!

“I almost forgot you and that sale thing. Hey do they have men’s clothes too”?

“Of course they do!” I say with excitement. “It is all very hot, hot, hot”!

“Well do they have any of those shirts, ya’ know, that I wear”?

Well isn’t that typical guy speak. That is like asking someone if they have that movie. You know? That movie? That movie with the guy in it? Seriously.

“What shirts? Which ones? You have a lot of shirts.”

“Ya’ know with the thing. The thing on the front of it.” He replies.

See what I mean?

If this were a woman she would be telling me the brand, the size, the date of manufacture and what shoes she might have that go with it. But no, this is a guy and all I get is, “the thing.”

Hearing my laughter he responds, “Well it’s like a lizard.”

“You mean an alligator”?

“Yes YES. That’s the one. Can you see if they have those”?

“It is called Lacoste, dumby, and I will see what I can find.”

I hang up the phone and head over to the mens section. It is far less crowded and no one seems to be fighting.

I look to the right towards the women’s handbags and notice two women arguing over the last brown suede Coach bag.

I let out a sigh and wonder…

Men don’t give a shit what we wear. They only care what is underneath what we wear. So I have to wonder who women are really dressing up for? Is it for ourselves? Is it for other women, like a competition? No guy I have ever known or been with has given two flying hoots whether my jeans are Frankie B or Frankie Generic. Now gather, men seem to be progressing toward dressing in finer clothes (even if they have no idea what it is called) But, the obsession is still very much one sided.

I head over to the jewelry section, eyeing the diamonds and pearls and ponder the thought… Is it worth all the fuss? Is it worth all the time and energy?

Then I spot it.

Beautiful Pave diamond necklace. Fit for only a princess. The facets of the diamonds twinkle and my eyes light up.

Someone once said that the most sexy a women could look is naked wearing nothing but diamonds. Well that is fashion too.

So is it worth it?

I look around and notice everyone smiling.

Yeah, I think I’ll stick around.

100 Things About Me

2006-07-12T02:27:00.000-07:00

In an effort to feel better I have decided to be a total narcissist. What is it about lists that are fun? Ahh well, not to question it I will just go with it. The idea was taken from my dear friend Nigel so with that I give you 100 things you probably never knew and did not want to know about me. Enjoy and maybe give me some tidbits about you. I love when people share ;)

1. I have watched all six seasons of Sex in the City on DVD so much that my DVDs are almost ruined.
2. I have a Jade Charm I keep in my pocket at all times and whenever I touch it I say something out loud that I am grateful for.
3. I am one of those rare girls that really likes her ass
4. When I was a toddler my mom used to put me and my brother in a bath together to save time (she was a working women) but that promptly stopped once she overheard me saying to him, “What is that? Does it grow?”
5. I have read The Count of Monte Cristo a total of seven times. It is 1200 pages long.
6. I have had major surgery once in my life when I was 16 years old.
7. I have broken my left wrist twice. I loved my purple cast because I thought it was cool.
8. I won my first writing award in the fourth grade for a very long, run on story about a girl named Danielle who runs away to the beach
9. I have studied metaphysics and the Kama sutra extensively. Both are not what people think they are
10. My uncle is only 7 years older than me and grew up more like my brother than an uncle. However, he still cringes if I so much as mention even kissing a guy.
11. My first portable music device was a Walkman called “My First Sony.” I would fall asleep at night listening to Billy Joel and The Beatles.
12. I have had to be rescued by a lifeguard three times. I had to be given oxygen once.
13. Much to my brothers embarrassment I used to take my cabbage patch kids to the mall in the special designer cabbage patch kid stroller.
14. The carpet does not match the curtains because I got rid of the carpet.
15. My first case of puppy love is now on The Real World and whenever I watch it I am amazed how much my tastes have changed since high school.
16. I have lived with one guy and I learned from that that guys don’t like to clean their hair out of the shower.
17. My senior year of high school I was voted Worst Driver, Best Photographer, and was second place for Best Eyes.
18. When I was five I lied and told my neighbors that I was a princess and got to go to Disneyland every weekend. I expected them to believe me.
19. I have a “face” I use when asking for something I want. This usually only works on dads, boyfriends, and guy friends. My mom has yet to fall for it.
20. I can read people’s subconscious motives and hidden depths very easily.
21. I always over pack. A girl has to have options.
22. I love lingerie. I LOVE lingerie.
23. I own about 400 DVDs. I own about 1500 albums.
24. I almost was not able to walk at my high school graduation because out of 50 seniors who did the senior prank, I was the only one the cops where able to chase down.
25. I dance in my panties in my living room whenever I get alone time.
26. I get very into celebrity gossip and am very skeptical that Tom and Katie had a baby. (Just read about the new birth certificate drama)
27. I am scuba certified but have not been diving in a few years.
28. I am not that innocent. But, I sure look it.
29. Everything I used to hate about myself I now love (my height, my temperment, etc.)
30. I read poetry, philosophy and cheesy chick lit.
31. I went to Mexico four times without my parents ever knowing. They thought I was camping.
32. I once drove to Vegas by myself. It took me 8 hours because as luck would have it (or not have it) I ran across a plane crash, witnessed a horrible car accident (where I had to help the guy out of the car and give a report to the police) and got stuck in the middle of the desert for two hours with nowhere to go because a car a mile ahead caught on fire.
33. When I was a baby everyone thought I looked like Pebbles Flintstone because my mom would pile my hair on top of my head with a clip.
34. I had a “boyfriend” in preschool that I played “doctor” with. He is now a baseball player and my mom and his mom still talk.
35. My kindergarten boyfriend is now also a baseball player
36. I once got lost in South Central Los Angeles in my mothers car at 5:00 in the morning.
37. I am addicted to shopping. I love shopping. I study the history of designers. Did you know Coach bags history lies in baseball?
38. I can get judgmental on people’s bodies (including mine)
39. I have very very ugly feet. 20 years of dancing and now running have taken its toll. When someone said to me, “Rach I bet they are not that bad,” he then looked at them and said, “Oh, you are right.” There are scars and cuts all over the place.
40. I got a tattoo on my butt when I was 16 and everyone found out about it except my mother who did not actually accidentally see it until I was 23.
41. I love Cosabella and Hanky Panky panties. Both are divine.
42. I know a lot more about things than people think I know.
43. I can remember conversations word for word that I have with people…even many years later.
44. I think three of the most amazing love songs are “You Are the Everything” by REM, “In My Life,” by The Beatles, and “God Only Knows” by The Beach Boys.
45. I already know what my wedding dress looks like.
46. I have been told I am both addicting and impossible. Sometimes both at the same time.
47. I once wanted to be a magician. As well as the following: an astronaut, a professional dancer, an actress, a PR rep, a writer, a Pilates instructor and photographer. Dancing stuck for 20 years. I sucked at acting. I found out magicians have horrible lives. I found out astronauts have to know science it is not only about flying. Writing and photography stuck. Pilates I am starting now.
48. I once adopted a whale: It was an Orca.
49. I love Neil Gaimen; most people are surprised about that.
50. There are two guys that I have met for only one minute each, in passing, that still remain etched in my memory very very vividly.
51. My sister in law thinks the only two things my brother and I have in common is our love for music and our ability to piss people off.
52. Until recently I was horribly naïve.
53. I silently fear success just as much as I do failure.
54. Cops let me and a bunch of people have a tailgate party at the Irvine REM show because I flirted with them and let them join the party.
55. One day I want a Yorkie named Demitri and a German Shepard named Brando
56. My parents don’t mind if I don’t marry as a Jewish guy as long as “he makes me happy and we have passion.”
57. I study music history incessantly.
58. I really like really raunchy jokes (i.e. anything that comes out of Kevin Smith’s mouth)
59. My ex boyfriend once stood on stairs blocking a rock star from getting to my room.
60. At times during the day the only thing on my mind is what guys usually have on their mind.
61. I will write a book, it will be called “Life and How to Live it” (those of you who got that reference are special)
62. I love eating peanut butter and peanuts. Peanut butter is extra crunchy. Peanuts are always planter’s honey roasted. I can eat an entire thing of peanuts.
63. When I was three I cracked my head open when I collided with a sliding glass door.
64. I drink diet cokes until they are half full and then put them back in the fridge. Right now there are 7 half full diet cokes in my fridge that I might not ever drink. However, I feel as if I am wasting money if I throw them away.
65. Every single REM album is used for a specific emotion I am feeling at a given time. Right now, it is Automatic for the People that is played whenever I feel sad.
66. My best girlfriends nickname for me is “Snatchy.” This is a name that has evolved. It started as Rach. Then moved on to Rach n Snatch. Then became Snatchy. It is not in reference to my private girly area, however, it does get some looks when they yell it in a crowded place.
67. I believe, and will always believe, that love conquers all. Love is all you need.
68. I have a fear of negative emotions and crawl into a hole when I feel them because I fear people don’t like to see that side of me.
69. I loved Pirates of the Caribbean so much that the first time I saw it I went out and bought a black pearl ring.
70. I once played Thumbalina as well as Hodel (Fiddler on the Roof) in a school play.
71. I want to have three children. I plan on being a hot mom.
72. I am 75% Russian and 25% Scottish. My Scottish heritage was Masons descending from King James.
73. I am a Scorpio.
74. I once went Bungee Jumping in Las Vegas.
75. I once burned my brother’s hand with a curling iron in purpose.
76. I got the chicken pox when I was 2 months old and had a total of 19 pox on my entire body.
77. To this day, I am not sure my father has ever said no to me.
78. I am only 4’11” and yet sources tell me I hog the bed completely.
79. I believe in magic and mysticism.
80. I am named after my Grandma Rose and my Grandma Hazel (Great Grandmas). And, I have four given names. Rachel Heather Shoshanna Hannah.
81. I love giving gifts. I also love receiving them. I am a great receiver.
82. An old old man once told me I was a “woman who runs with the wolves.” I am still not sure what he exactly meant.
83. My greatest gift, as well as my greatest curse is that I understand human behavior very well.
84. My favorite flowers are orange roses, not red.
85. I silently judge people based on the music they listen to. I have never dated a guy where I did not like their taste in music.
86. I got very very sick for a year when I was 13.
87. I have a hard time making eye contact until I know someone well enough to trust him or her.
88. I am a total pack rat. I collect everything. I have enough stuff to take up, not only my apartment but also two bedrooms of my parents house and a storage unit.
89. If I want something bad enough, I get it. If I want something to work bad enough, I make it work.
90. I have yet to figure out the true meaning of the poem Kubla Khan. I will accept help on this though I believe one might have to be high on Opium to find the true meaning.
91. I have a very overactive libido.
92. I am going to live in New York.
93. It took me a long time to finally realize I am worth it. However, I now know I am worth everything.
94. My Pug, Boris masturbates. He does it in front of people. Everyone talks about it. People have imitated it. He also grunts while he does it. He has no shame
95. I base my life around baseball and concerts.
96. I can quote Ace Ventura, Mall Rats, Shawshank Redemption, Love Actually, Bull Durham, Batman, Rent, The Lion King, As Good as it Gets, Spaceballs, When Harry Met Sally and Nightmare Before Christmas all by heart.
97. I have a big big big heart but hide it from those I don’t trust. I don’t trust easily, but trust completly when I do...and if I lose it then it takes moving mountains to get it back,
98. I have the natural ability to make people feel comfortable around me and share everything.
99. Depending on the day I am either very very very active or lazy. Rarely am I anything in between.
100. My coffee of choice is a Vanilla Latte Breve

The Diva Takes the Stage One Last Time

2006-07-10T01:26:00.000-07:00

I had made plans to spend a “girl weekend” with my best friend who moved to Minnesota about two years ago. I bought my plane ticket long ago and since Nala had come home I decided not to postpone this short weekend trip we had been looking forward to. Besides, I would only be gone for the weekend so I knew if anything were to turn the other way in Nala’s favor it surly would not happen until I had come back home.

Thursday night I went to my parent’s house to spend some time with her. She seemed perky and had been eating. I was nervous to leave her but I knew I would only be gone for a couple of days.

Maybe Nala just wanted to come home for a day to say goodbye to my other animals. Maybe she just wanted one more day of normalcy. Maybe she carried with her the great meaning of life and had to pass it on to her younger disciples before she departed. Maybe, in her true diva fashion, she just had to go on her own terms.

I arrived in Minnesota and from the moment I got off the plane we started a party. We had a Guster concert with The Fray at this outdoor festival followed by many more drinks at the bars.

I was two shits to the wind when I think the phone calls started. And then the text messages. Maybe, I am just good at denial…but I did not want to know. I shut my phone off. I shut it off because isn’t it better not to know anything? I thought they were lying. I hung up on them before they could even say a word. Because, if it was not told to me then it did not happen…except it did..I just did not listen.

I knew the next day.

It was too late to do anything. She had been fine all day and then at a drop of a hat she declined so rapidly that there was nothing they could do.

Nala was a fighter, but I think her body just did not want to fight anymore.

I have not talked about it with anyone. I can’t yet. I am so afraid that if I start talking about it and see the looks on the faces on my friends, family and loved ones I will lose it.

I have seen those looks before. Sympathy. Compassion. Hugs and kisses and a shoulder to cry on. I am eternally thankful for that. Except I am not ready to cry yet.

My father picked me up from the airport tonight and asked me, “Do you want to talk about Nala.”

“No” was all I said.

I changed the subject.

I wasn’t ready.

I know death is a part of life. We lose loved ones all the time whether they are animals or people. I have watched Lion King (obviously hence Nala’s name) and know all about “the great circle of life.”

I know death is also new beginnings.

I know when we get pets or even chose to love another person that the time with them will eventually end.

I know all this.

It just does not make it any easier.

So, it is here that I bid farewell to my first doggie that loved me half of my life. She never listened to me or followed rules and she was a total spoiled brat...but loved unconditionally. She lived a very good 12 years and I will always love her.

Rest in Peace my Diva.

:)

2006-07-06T20:03:00.000-07:00

Nala is home!!!

She is not out of the woods yet and still has to have her treatment but she keeps on imporving :)

I will be away from the computer all weekend.

Have a great weekend everyone, thanks again for the good vibes and here is praying and hoping things continue to improve

:)

Dogs Act Like Their Owners

2006-07-06T01:28:00.000-07:00

This is Nala today, looking perkier. The bottom half of her body is shaved but you can't see it in this pic and that thing on her leg is where ther mainline IV thingy is. But...she is smiling :)

First off I want to thank everyone who sent well wishes and good vibes my way! The good news is it seems to be working! Nala, as of a few hours ago has turned a corner and, while we are not out of the woods yet, it is looking promising. So thank you all for the praying, sending good vibes, and well wishes cause he made me feel a whole lot better.

She has stopped bleeding internally for the most part and has not needed a blood transfusion in over 24 hours which means she is making new blood on her own. She is on a lot of treatment medications. Her immune system, because of an autoimune infection thingy, was causing her bone marrow to attack her blood and bleed internally but as of today, she seems to be making progress. We might even get to take her home tomorrow! THAT is nothing short of a miracle, being that she was near death just a couple of days ago.

As I walked into the hospital today for my visit, I was greeted by a very stressed out receptionist.

“Yeah 10 emergencies already today, we are swamped here”!

“I am just here to visit Nala” I assured her.

“Oh, Nala! We love Nala. She is the best dog ever. She really is such a well trained dog”!

HUH? Wait…HUH?

Did I just hear that right? If I had been drinking something I would have spit it out. Now don’t get me wrong, I love Nala (obviously), but best dog ever is not a category I would put her in. Nala is totally demanding and spoiled and hits you and barks at you if you don’t do what she wants. She won’t sit anywhere except shotgun in the car and puts up a fight every time we try to get her outside. I am not complaining cause I love her that way. I am just stating that, contrary to what the receptionist said, she is not well trained. After all I raised her so what more could you expect? LOL.

“She must be behaving for you guys, cause she knows you are trying to save her” I smile back.

After a wait I headed into the visiting room and shortly thereafter GVM walks in with Nala, who still has to walk with a sling.

“Here is your girl” he said and brought her to a blanket to get her settled.

“I hear Nala is getting rather popular back there”? I asked.

“Oh yeah, she is great. All she wants to do is love and she is so sweet.”

I let out of a chuckle.

“What’s so funny?” GVM asked.

“I am laughing because you all say she is so compliant and sweet and nice, when I can see right through her. GVM, she is flirting with you so you give her extra special attention”!

He gave Nala and pet on the head and laughed a little bit. Nala looked up at him and tilted her head coyly.

“Now what is so funny”? I asked him.

He gets up from Nala and headed toward the door.

“Well,” he replied, “They say dogs learn most of their unique personality traits from their owners…”

He laughed again.

And with that, he left the room.

Wait, was he talking about me?

I bent down and sat down with Nala. She looked up and me and then lay her head down to nap. I sat there for a half hour petting her and wishing her improvements would continue. They said the medications and treatments had started to work and there was cause for big hope.

I looked at my dog, and realized that yes she IS just like me. Demanding and spoiled. She is expensive (I swear we probably just paid for all those Vet’s new plasmas) and flirts just so she can get special attention from the doctors. But, hey no one seems to complain about me so why should I expect anything else from those around her?

“You really are my dog huh”? I said to her while laughing. “I have taught you well, everyone loves you Nala.”

I would not have Nala any other way. And, because of some miracle, she might just get to remain my dog for quite some time.

Dogs Hate Hospitals Just as Much as We Do

2006-07-03T03:08:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for the warm and well-wishing comments, they mean a lot to me. Keeping sending those good vibes!

I walked into the hospital today to visit my baby. They are still running diagnostics, trying to figure out what it could be causing the internal bleeding. Right now it can be one of four things and about two of those things, she will live and the other two….well..ya know.

Meanwhile they are giving her blood transfusions to keep her alive but she is still very weak and is unable to move much.

So I went in to visit with her, and at that time she was being given her blood transfusion of the day so they took me to the back room. I walked in and she immediately perked her head up and while her usual tail wagging and barking were absent I could tell she was happy to see me. I started crying once I saw all the tubes and needles in her but tried to remain calm despite that. I knelt down and started petting her just as an alarm started sounding.

An unbelievable, gorgeous, model looking man knelt down beside me while shutting off the alarm.

“Sorry about that,” he said, “We have to take her temperature every 10 minutes during the transfusion to make sure she is not having a reaction.

“That’s ok” I replied as I rubbed Nala’s now shaved belly.

As Gorgeous Vet took her temp, Nala gave him a LOOK, as if to say “Honey I don’t care how gorgeous you are, first you give me the bikini waxes of all bikini waxes and now you are shoving things up my ass…I am a lady and this is uncalled for.”

I kept petting Nala to comfort her but chuckled at the expression on her face, almost as if she was embarrassed.

“How has she been today”? I asked GVM (Gorgeous Vet Man)

“She is weak but she ate a bit, she has been very tired but far less than yesterday.”

I start crying once more...and of course when I am emotional I start pouring my heart out to complete strangers.

“Just please save her ok? I am not ready to let her go, I am really not ready. I can’t take this so just please do whatever you have to do. Money is no issue. Even if she has to be in the hospital for a while, as long as you save her. My other dogs are really confused. She is like their mother. Sugar would not even take a treat today because Nala always gets one first. And, I have had Nala since I was 12 so just save her ok”

GVM put his hand on my shoulder. Now guys are automatically sexier when a girl sees them being all lovey with animals or babies so you could imagine how incredibly sexy GVM looked.

“There is still hope. Hang on to your hope ok”? He said compassionately.

"Man, I don't know how you guys do it, working here."

"It is tough sometimes, but it is worth it" replied.

I had been petting Nala this whole time, knowing that since she is a typical Princess she hates it if you stop petting her. However, I stopped at that moment to get a tissue from my purse to wipe away my tears.

As I was doing so Nala took her paw and hit me. I smiled. That’s my Nala.

“You see that GVM!! She hit me! She always does that when I stop petting her! Maybe it means she is feeling a bit better! Yesterday she didn’t even move when I stopped petting her and today she hit me!”

“Rachel, we will find out the results tomorrow or the next day. But, yes that is a good sign, and the fact that she perked her head up is a good sign too, keep your hope alive,” he smiled a warm smile.

He got up to tend to another dog, and I sat with Nala for another half hour or so. She fell asleep so I gave her a kiss and told her I would see her tomorrow.

I waved bye to all the amazing people working to save my dog. I felt like I was in a special animal version of the TV show House, with GVM and team working against time to try to figure out some rare illness my dog has.

But the patient always gets saved at the end of the show…so I know there is reason to keep my hope alive.

Besides, she hit me, which means she was pissed. And, I could have sworn she was flirting with GVM. When us girls get pissed and flirt, it can only mean one thing…

We are alive.

Dogs Are People Too

2006-07-01T11:32:00.000-07:00

The eldest of my three dogs, Nala, is very sick. They have yet to figure out what is wrong and she has been at the hospital since yesterday morning. I sat with her yesterday when I went to visit her and she actually took her paw and put it in my hand. So, of course, I started balling in front of everyone as the Vet told me the prognosis is "not good."

She got transfered to a specialty animal hospital, the best in Orange County so they could run some advanceddiagnostics. She has a lot of internal bleeding but if it is from a bacterial or viral infection they might be able to save her.

Otherwise we have to put her to sleep.

So....

Please give my baby some good vibes today. We need a miracle people!

For all you dog owners I know you understand. For those that are not, our dogs are like people too, they have personalities and they know how to love so being that I have had Nala more than half of my life...I am a complete mess.

Sorry to kill the cheery vibes here, I am just a mess.

Good Vibes to Nala !!!!!

Here is Hoping for a Miracle

2006-06-30T00:10:00.000-07:00

Make Your Life a pretty Photo Album and only put the best pictures you have in it.

Here is the thing; you cannot have a universe without the mind entering into it. That is basic quantum physics. (Ha you all think I don’t know about physics think again!)

And so, essentially, you create your own universe by what you think about. (I might delve into that later)

If this is all known why would anyone think anything bad?

On Tuesday I had a Radiohead concert down in San Diego at a venue called Embarcadero (not even sure if that is the correct spelling). I packed up my bags on Monday and headed down for a mini vacation full of fun, sun and music. Of course, I also then forgot my cell phone charger thus disabling me from any form of communication whether it is Internet or mobile for almost 48 hours.

That was actually pretty cool!

Embarcadero is just a giant lawn they make into a venue during the summer. It is right on the water. Knowing this, next time we won’t even have to buy tickets because people just dock their boats to watch the concerts or just climb the rocks of the jetty. It was absolutely stunning!

As I was standing there, with Radiohead playing an awesome show, the warm breeze, and the view of the city as well as the Harbor I got to thinking…

If our lives are like a photo album, why would we treat it any different than our regular photo albums?

When we get pictures back (or upload them on the computer) we don’t put the sucky shitty ones where we look like crap in the photo. The ones with our eyes closed or the less than flattering photos always get let go, thrown away, discarded like yesterdays trash.

Our experiences in life are like snapshots. Sometimes the snapshots are shitty and we are cast in an unfavorable light. Sometimes those snapshots show us crying.

But then there are the good snapshots. There are those pictures in our heads of happy times, love, ecstasy, fulfillment, fun, and laughter.

And, as we are gathering our data, moving along this journey, wouldn’t it be the better thing to just put the best snapshots into our album and let go of the rest. Let go of the painful ones and the sad ones. Think about the good times and you might find your album is full of a million things to appreciate.

I have so many snapshots to think of and be happy. There are these little pockets of memories that remind me that life has been pretty damn fantastic so far.

Walking into the Coliseum with my breath being taken out from under me – Snapshot

Walking through Strawberry Fields in Central Park on a brisk winters day – Snapshot

My first REM show when I was 13 – Snapshot

New Mexico (classified info) – snapshot

Skinny-dipping at 4:00 AM in Aruba

First kisses

First….ummmm…ya know.

First time it is actually good.

When someone looks you in the eye and tells you they love you.

Playing with your dog

Opening up the perfect gift. (cause I always love gifts *cough* hint hint *cough*)

The perfect baseball game. (ALDS comes to mind)

Reading that book that changes your life (i.e The Alchemist, Count of Monte Cristo, Meditations and Something Wicked This Way Comes)

Every single time you laugh…and make sure you do that every day

They are all snapshots to be put in my album. And if you really stop to think about it, they outweigh the sad or bad times by a million.

So I stood there, rocking out to Radiohead with the ocean to one side of me and the city to the other. I knew I was creating another snapshot. It was another moment I would look back on with appreciation and love. I guess I just thought, Wow what a great life to live.

Either that…or I just had one too many plastic cups of cheap beer.

You create your life by what you put into it. So what is going to go into yours?

2006-06-28T20:50:00.000-07:00

Have Fun With The Things You Like….Joke Around…
Act Goofy….It all makes life more fun.

Friday:

“Rachel I think you have a dangerous obsession with asses,” My good friend B told me.

“It is not dangerous I just like asses…can I touch yours on Saturday”?

For those that don’t know me, this is how I always talk, I always joke around

“No you can’t touch my butt, I don’t do that.”

“ But you have the 5th best ass I know, so it is only fair.” I say, because it is true B is number 5 in the top 5.

“I don’t do that without marriage,” he says sarcastically.

“Well marry me then.” I laugh

“No” he says monotone.

“Well why not”?

“Your brother would kill me.”

B is another one of those guy friends that is like a big brother to me. He is, however, in a band that I KNOW will make it and Saturday he was playing the Viper Room in LA. B is so talented it is almost crazy. In fact, (shameless promotion) you can check out their website at www.thequietband.com and see for yourself.

“So…well….can I touch it anyway.”?

“Whatever, it is not like I can stop you.” he shrugs it off.

Saturday: Location: Viper Room

“Hey Brother, where is Rachel you guys lose her already”? I overhear B asking my brother.

I come to his side and reach out to give him a hug. He towers over me by more than a foot so my hands are in perfect grabbing position for his….

“Hey! There you are, you found my ass”

My brother looked on perplexed.

“Hey Brother, did you know that your sister gave me the honorable award for 5th best ass out of the top five asses of guys she knows”?

My brother just shakes his head.

The show, as always was amazing. B comes alive on stage like a true rock star. It is almost as if he becomes a different person on stage, he grabs the entire audience and doesn't let them go until it is all over. After the show we continued the night at Red Rocks where I made a new friend simply for the fact that the new friend was 6’8 inches tall…so we felt we must take a picture together. Me and Brother sent insults through text messaging to each other throughout the night. Can you feel the love? I told a guy who said, “Hey you are a Spinner, that’s hot,” to me, to fuck off as I now know what “Spinner” is.

We stopped drinking and bickering for a few minutes to take some snapshots...

If you need further proof of how different I am than my brother...this pretty much sums it up:

me and brother

If you wanna see how cute his wife is, this pretty much sums that one up:

and here is me and The B...with the beard he just grew..grrrr.

The night ended and the busy few days ahead were just starting. (more on those days later)

We said our so longs, I gave B a hug and then reached down and, there on the street, right on Sunset, I planted one on his butt.

So, yes I have a mild obsession with people’s butts. In fact, if I were to take any of my friends and have them line up far away with their backs to me I could identify who they were simply from their rear end. It has become the running joke with many of my guy and girlfriends that they must prepare to be pinched. So now some of my girlfriends have resorted to getting back to me by grabbing my butt whenever they can.

Hey you gotta do what you gotta for some entertainment….

So anyone wanna show me their backside? ;)

2006-06-28T12:34:00.000-07:00

Just Let Me Take a Nap First

I had a weekend. I had non stop days. Concert, Wedding, Baseball Game. Another Concert. No phone or internet access for a couple of days (everyone needs to try that one). Beauty. Fun. Four hours of sleep. Did I say fun? Radiohead. Party.

Will Update

Just got home to 20 voicemails and 200 emails.

Just need a nap first.

2006-06-26T00:24:00.000-07:00

"True Friends Understand Your Past, Believe in Your Future and Accept You Just as You Are"...

it does not matter if they are male or female

It was Harry who said men and women could never be friends.

“Men can never be friends with a women they find attractive cause the sex stuff always gets in the way,” he said

“What about friends with a women he finds unattractive”? Sally asked.

“Nah pretty much wanna nail them too.”

I have a lot of male friends. And not once did I ever think the “sex stuff” ever got in the way. However having dinner with my best friend the other night I had some light shed on the subject that I was not expecting.

“Hey, what do you think about our friendship? Do you think people get the wrong idea”? I asked.

We always have discussions like this. Best Friend is a guy I can say anything to, be anything, he has seen me naked and it was not sexual, he has held my hair back when I was throwing up, he goes on vacations with me and we have never once kissed. If something happens to me he is there in a heartbeat whether I ask him or not. The farthest we have gone is a groping and even that was non sexual he just is good at giving butt massages. We have an amazing mental chemistry and yet I am not attracted to him physically or sexually. I think it would be hard for me to be just friends with a guy I was physically or sexually attracted to actually.

“Well no,” he replied, “people know us by now, they know how we are.”

We give each other dating advice. I comment honestly about girls he dates and he does the same even if it pisses me off. I have never and he has never been jealous. You could say he is one of the best friendships I have ever had.

I have many male friends like this.

“Do you think what Harry said to Sally was true”?

“Well no because if you were not pretty I probably would not have been friends with you to begin with,” he says honestly.

Huh? What? I thought.

“Huh? What? That’s crass”!

“Think about it Rachel, when a man and a women first meet the guy usually won’t give her time if he is not attracted. Attraction starts it but if both parties know a relationship would never work they move to friends. When I first met you the first words that came out of your mouth was asking me how to talk dirty in my language. Hey, I AM a guy you know.”

“But you would never sleep with me and I would never sleep with you.” I shot back.

“No but we had many chances to screw throughout the years."

"I would never!!"

" I have not pulled my charm out on you I could have gotten you to do it. I could get you and then you would never want to leave. We just were smarter than that. We would have started something and then I would have killed you and then we could not be friends anymore. You are way too American and stubborn for the likes of me babe. The flirting is good though.”

Well that was all news to me!

“Hey you were the one missing out, you have no idea what I am capable of.”

“You arrogant, crass, butthead”

“That’s why you love me” he smiled back.

I have a few guy friends who would do anything for me and I would do anything for them. Are any of them attracted to me? Well some are honest when they say they are. Some I know are not. But all are friends. And the line is never crossed.

So can men and women be friends with the sex stuff never getting in the way? Maybe it just takes time? Because I know my male friendships are never like that (well most not all). But is that a fools comment? Even one other male friend of mine stated that because he was male he knew every male friend of mine wanted me at one time or another. I have to debunk that statement because a couple of my male friends would disagree 100%.

The jury is still out, but I know I would not change any of my friendships for the world. It is like I get 10 big brothers instead of one.

“I love you Best Friend” I hug him, and it feels like I am hugging my security blanket.

“Love you too Rach.”

“How much”? I tease

And I get the same answer that I have gotten for the past five years…

“More than you think.”

2006-06-22T02:25:00.000-07:00

The Truth About Bravery Is...We Get It AFTER We Face Our Fears

The year was 2002 and I was a naïve 20 year old traveling through Europe with a girlfriend. I have a list of all the places I want to see and this trip covered four countries. We were traveling around Italy, France, Spain and Switzerland. I felt so independent, so adult, and so alive.

I remember seeing the Coliseum for the first time almost dropping my gelato as it literally took my breath away. I remember seeing the David and the Vatican…being taken back to a time where new thoughts and new insights were welcomed.

Barcelona was exhilarating. Parks where Gaudi designed things and those things reminded me of Alice in Wonderland. (He had to be on drugs). Parties and nightclubs. Tapa tasting and locals.

Of course…shopping.

Most of my backpacking trip was some of the best memories I have ever created in my lifetime.

And then…the bad thing happened.

My girlfriend and I were back in Bordeaux (she lived there) sitting in her apartment planning the next day’s activities.

“Hey I am going to go down to the payphone I have got to call O,” I said as I got up.

“Rach, screw it that guy makes you call all the time and you want to break up with him anyway.”

“He will worry” I say as I head out the door, “I won’t be long”

I had to make my call at midnight because of the time difference.

The payphone was only two blocks away and knowing the neighborhood a bit I felt fine in going alone.

Hey I said I was naïve…carrying on…

As I finished up my phone call to my boyfriend at the time I shivered a bit as the night air chilled my skin. I pulled my thin jacket tighter and began my walk back to the apartment. The streets and alleys were empty as it was early in the week and we were not near any bars.

A block later I noticed the footsteps and the shadow that darkened the area in front of me from the streetlights. Was I being followed? I quickened my step and as I did so I heard a slurred voice ring in my ears

“Hey pretty American girl, you lost”?

I glanced behind me. A tall man, probably over 200 pounds loomed behind me. He smelled of alcohol and cigarettes and sourness.

“Non merci” I said trying to quicken my step enough but not so much as he might start running.

Too late.

He caught up to me

I searched in my pocket for the apartment key but European keys are tough buggers. I was 5 feet from the door when he grabbed me and turned me around to face him. He slurred some words I did not understand and grabbed onto my shoulders. His grip was hard and strong.

What was I feeling? Was this fear? Was it anger?

At this moment I still did not think anything bad would happen. I said I was naïve. This stuff did not happen to me. It never did. I was from Orange County, the land where doors are kept unlocked..this just didn’t happen and my brain did not know how to process it.

As he pushed me against the cold hard stone of the wall, so close to the door that promised my safety, he slurred something in French I could not fully understand. Something about having a good time was all I could make out.

Then the fear came.

Was I to be one of THOSE girls?

I broke out into a sweat despite the cold as his drunken fingers tried to open up my jacket.
Quick Rachel think of something, I thought to myself. What to do??!?! What to do?!?! He had at least 100 pounds on me and had me pinned to the wall. There was no escape.

I felt stupid. I felt doomed. I tried wiggling out of his grip but nothing worked. So I did what my impulse told me to do.

I took me knee and brought it up to his family jewels, which were probably freaking tiny if he thought he would get lucky with me. He doubled over in pain as I ran to the door and impulsively began pressing every single doorbell to the building. It had to wake someone up. Someone had to be up already. My friend would call the police and all would be ok.

As I continued to pound my hands on the doorbells he regrouped and grabbed me once more. Then I was seeing red. As his fist hit my face all I could see were red spots and black night. I fell to the ground and he reached down to take another swing. The taste of blood took over and the view around me got blurry.

Suddenly the door opened and a shocked young man, seeing me on the ground and a drunken man standing above me, took over from his instincts and lunged at him. He was tall and strong and, as I would find out later, home on vacation from the Army. As he pinned this man to the ground he looked at me and yelled, “Get inside now”!

I ran inside and by that time my girlfriend, the Army boy’s father, as well as a few other tenants who had heard my pounding had gathered in the lobby. The young man’s father took me in his arms and lead me to a chair.

I was safe at last.

The army boy pinned down my assailant until the police arrived and as my girlfriend hugged me tight the father put some ice on my face. I could do nothing but thank that family for I don’t know what would have happened if he had not been there. After the police came and I gave my report I just stood there and hugged that young man. And, to this day I never even got his name

I was shaking and crying. My face felt numb and all I could think about was what could have happened.

It was not until later that the feelings set in. I felt weak. I felt vulnerable. I felt stupid and naïve. I felt like a failure. I felt I had let that happen to me and was a fool for it. A couple of days later, on my plane ride home I vowed to myself to never let that happen to me again. And, for a long time after that I never went out alone. I always made sure I was out with a group or a guy, even if I was just going out for a short while. But as many things, that could never last…

Two years later I was stopping at a gas station on my way home from a night out in LA. As I was filling up on gas I heard my passenger door open and before I could blink my eyes and man just slipped into my car.

“Hey sugar” he smiled as if it was just this normal thing to do.

For a moment that fear, those flashbacks, all those feelings and the pain of the punch came flooding back. For a moment I felt vulnerable, wished a big strong Army man would come save me again. I felt weak and stupid and WEAK.

And then a little voice in my head whispered to me….never again.

Never again.

Never again.

Before I could even think I bolted my hand out and did my best death grip on the assholes nuts. I grabbed them hard and then TWISTED them around. With all the strength I could muster at that angle I dug my nails into his groin and twisted them until they would not twist anymore. He screamed like a girl but I did not let go. I clenched my teeth and dug in even further.

“ Would you kindly get the FUCK out of my car?” I yelled.

He grabbed the door handle as fast as he could as rolled out of the car staggering away with his hands on the front of his pants, almost crying.

I sat there panting as a guy who had been filling up his car ran toward my car.

“Hey are you ok?” he asked, “I just saw what happened”

Still breathing heavy I caught my breath and replied, “Yeah I am ok Mister thanks. I took care of it on my own.”

I took care of it on my own!

I locked all of my doors and drove off into the night. A content smile across my face I said to myself, “Never again… Damn right! Never ever again”!

I wasn’t that vulnerable naïve girl anymore. I did not need an Army man to swoop down and save me.

It was then I learned what strength really was. Strength is facing your fear head on and stomping it into a grave.

We are scared to fight back because we fear failing if we do. In life, we may get beat up physically and we may get beat up mentally. Someone may break our nose and someone may break our hearts. We can always fall pray to what we are afraid of. Trotting through life always afraid we will get hurt again; putting us in a protective bubble.

But if we learn the lessons and go forth into life fighting, even if we are afraid...no matter what the outcome, no matter if we win or lose….we win in the end. We release the fear.

So what are you afraid of??

2006-06-20T01:43:00.000-07:00

Giving Up on Being Perfect

“Rachel you are on a quest for perfection.”

Immediately I wanted to defend myself. I wanted to strike back with something witty that would knock him back on his ass. I was not! I knew I wasn’t perfect. I knew I had faults just like the rest of us! What kind of dummy would I be if I were striving to be perfect?!?!

Instead I just remained silent…. And let the air become icy in the room.

“Listen to me for a sec ok Rach. Everything you are doing and trying to be you are doing and trying to be in order to be perfect. Your life is based on, ‘when this happens then I will be good enough’ see”?

“But I know I will never be perfect” I am starting to get pissed off here. Who does he think he is?!

“That doesn’t mean you are not striving to get there. Think about it. How many times has your inner dialogue been, ‘when I graduate I will be good enough, when I get the grasp of Quickin then I will be good enough, when I make 100,000 grand a year then I will be good enough, when I blank blank blank blank’ Good enough for what? You are good enough already” He is looking at me intently now.

“Ok I am listening”…. fucktard

“You think when you are perfect you will be free not just from criticism from others but also criticism from yourself.”

“I like myself a lot though. I love many things about me..sometimes too much"

“But deep down you feel that if you were just as smart as your brother then you would be perfect.”

“Fuck my brother. He can kiss my ass.” Damnit he got me there. Defensiveness means its true.

“Why does he have the power to hurt you”?

Tears are welling up in my eyes, fuck fuck fuckidy fuck fuck.

“All he does is try to shoot me down! Whenever I see him he never says anything about the good I do or what accomplishments I have made. All he does is tell me to fucking graduate and get a real corporate type job and stop freeloading and he tells me I am too cocky and arrogant! I mean ME!!! Ok I admit I am a little cocky but at least I am cocky enough to try to bring out other peoples cockiness. He never even compliments my writing he just says ‘your blog is self absorbed and all you talk about is sex’ and of course I talk about sex I have the sexual drive of a Bonobo!!..I mean hellloo... and maybe if I just bring him down it will be better because lets face it I am way better with people than he is and I obviously got the cute gene and the dude can’t even communicate in normal English. It is like techie alien words! He just thinks I am this total fuck up; that I am the black sheep in the family because I did not do it his way.”

“Wow you really look up to him don’t you? I mean his opinion matters to you a lot. You admire him.”

I really want to kick people in the nuts, who have a better insight into me than I do, and then walk away while they squirm on the ground in pain.

And then the tears just start rolling.

Cause he was right. I am on a quest for perfection. Subconsciously I feel that if every single aspect of me were perfect, then no one could criticize. And why is it my brother that matters a ton you ask? Well growing up he was the first person that ever got close enough to hurt me. My first friend. And I love him cause he is my brother. He makes me laugh and he is smart like Einstein. I mean off the charts smart. He introduces me to rock stars and takes me to concerts. He is protective of me when something bad happens. He lets me hang out and be best buds with his wife too. So course it matters. I love the butthead. Think of it this way, if a stranger tells you that you are a class A idiot does it bother you? Of course not, cause they are strangers. But if someone you love dearly puts you down, it stings.

“So what do I do”?

“Rachel you are perfect as you are. There is nothing you have to do because perfection doesn’t exist.” He looks at me square in the eye trying to get his point across.

Perfection doesn’t exist

Perfection doesn’t exist

Perfection doesn’t exist

“Someone will always be around to try to knock you down. You are pretty lucky, your parents never did they only raised you up. Even when you get that devil streak in you they always raised you up. But someone will always try to knock you down and usually it is because you have something they feel they don’t have. You see EVERYONE is on a quest for perfection. EVERYONE has a sore spot of something. Even me. You are good with people, just see it as they are trying to make up for what they feel they lack. Turn it around, everything you make fun of Brother about relates to how smart he is. You make fun of him for being a nerd.”

Did I ever tell you guys how much I hate when someone else is right? I really do. I am really bad that way. Seriously.

“So how do I fix it”?

“By giving up trying to fix it. Giving up the quest for perfection and just being who you are. Those that love you love you because you are you Rachel, and look around you have a lot of fans. You have a lot of love. It is not because you are neat and tidy and great with money,” He winked, “And, it is NOT because you are a saint.”

I wiped the tears from my eyes and tried to regain my composure.

“I need to be smarter though. I need to be as smart as Brother.” Did that just come out as stupid as it sounded?

“No Rachie, you need to just see how smart, in your own way, you already are. You are always learning, changing, growing, but you will never be perfect”

I remained silent. My hands folded across my chest and my lip began to pout as it always does when I don’t get what I want.

“Give up Rach. Give up the idea that you have to be the smartest, most talented, totally together, responsible girl…give it up and then you will just be free to have your star shine. It is complete freedom to just be who you are. When that happens Rach, that part of you that illuminates a room is there. The part that I love is there. Give up the past. Give it all up. You are perfectly imperfect”

Silence. What am I even supposed to say to that? I can’t even call him a fucktard.

Damn.

He takes out a piece of paper and scribbles on it.

I take it from him and read it. It says one word, “Perfection.”

“Now go outside and burn it”

So I did. It felt damn good.

And at that moment I got it. It mattered not what anyone thought. I am just me. And, something about me is magnificent. Something about everyone reading this is magnificent. Everyone has something. Someone out there will always be prettier, or smarter or more talented. Somebody will always have something we want that we think we need to be better. Not. Fucking. True. And, if anyone knocks you down just know it is because they don’t know what makes their star shine. If you knock anyone down, take a look in the mirror it is what you feel you lack or are insecure about.

I got it now.

I am free

So are all of you… if you give up the quest to be perfect.

Here endith the lesson

:)

2006-06-16T00:34:00.000-07:00

The Biggest Secret to Feeling Sexy

Many girls I know and friends I have always wonder what the secret is to being sexy. I know girls of all sizes, all shapes, all looks, and all that and while many think and feel sexy many do not. I know this feeling. I had this feeling as a teenager. Women need to know that sexy has nothing to do with anything except the knowing and feeling that one is, in fact, sexy.

So how does one achieve this?

Well, the normal secret is you gotta fall in love with yourself. You have to look at your naked body in the mirror and find what you love about it. And then look at your naked body again and start loving all the things you don’t like about it. There is something inherently sexy about all woman and what baffles me is how so many women don’t see how freaking sexy they are! So what to do about it? Fall in love with the way you move, the way you feel and the way you look. No matter what!!

And what is the other BIG secret to being sexy?

As Karl Kraus said, “A woman who cannot be ugly is not beautiful”

So my other secret to being and feeling sexy….go play in the mud, get dirty, get ugly and have some fun.

Hahaha, and here you thought this was going to be another deep post.

All of these pictures were from the Marine Corps Mud Run last weekend….and hows dat for sexy!! Haha

I did the marine corps Mud Run last Sunday which is a 10K (6.2 mile) race full of obstacles,
walls,

muddy trenches,

lakes to swim through, sandy steep uphill battles, and hot marines heckling you the entire time.

I cannot begin to tell you how freaking fun this race is. If you have the stamina to do it…GO DO IT!!!

I think the best part of the race was when I came to the last wall. They had a few marines in the trenches to help the ladies with a boost if need be and as I came up to this cutie marine he said, "Hey wanna have some fun"?

"Well sure what did ya have in mind"? I replied.

After saying to his other marine friend, "hey...this girl is tiny we can have some fun with this." He tells me to put my foot in his hands and my hands on his shoulder.

"Ya ready"?

ehhh what did I get myself into?

Suddenly I was FLYING over the wall. FLYING!! So how did I get so much muddier than my teammates? Because I FLEW over that wall and completly submerged myself with the three feet of mud water on the other side.

It was fantabulous!

note to self: never open your mouth to smile while swimming in mud

So there ya have it..my secret to feeling sexy

Get ugly in the mud

:)

2006-06-13T07:21:00.000-07:00

I Wanna Rock n Roll All Night...and Party Every Day

When we experience something freaking awesome, we react with passion. Our insides get hot and tingly. We are filled with joy and appreciation. Life, to put it simply, rocks when something awesome happens.

At a concert, we jump up and down (sometimes not even to the beat) and scream and yell. WOO HOOO!!! We smile and laugh. We sing along to the words. We tell the rock stars we love them! “I love you”!!!!!!!!! We lose our voices we love so much. We may even shed a few tears of joy.

When we are having sex we are totally into it. We yell out. We call out. We talk dirty. Afterwards we jump up and down…YES!!!!!! We kiss our beloved and give thanks that he/she just gave us a rockin’ good time. We rocked so much that the bed sheets are across the room. The neighbors are yelling at us to shut up and there might be ringing in your ears. WOOO HOOOO!!!!

When we are at a baseball game…we jump out of our seats to cheer strangers on!! We yell at umpires. We throw beer at the Yankee fan 10 rows below us. (oh please like you have not done that) We sing a song about peanuts and cracker jacks. We dress like dorks and laugh about it. We wave flags and cheer!! WOOO HOOOO!!! We rock the game!

Ok so why not do that all the time? Hmmmmm???

When we are out with friends we laugh and giggle. We smile and get giddy. We talk and talk and talk and talk and talk…(ok that might be a girl thing) We rock!!!

What would your life look like if you created that much joy everywhere? What if you made it your goal to rock every day?

When you are at work and you just completed a project – Jump out of your chair! Scream WOO HOOOO. Say, “I rock”!!!!! YES!!!!! “I would like to thank myself, because without me this might have never been possible” Throw some silly string while you are at it. Make yourself a banner and put it near your desk.

Next time you are at the grocery store stocking up on your goods, dance down the aisle way. Take that cart and do some zig zags! Leave the cart for a minute and do a twirl! You found a bargain? Are those Lean Cuisines a dollar off? Rock on! Put your fist in the air (oh you know that fist-in-the-air-joy-jab) and scream out, “A dollar saved! AWESOME!” Marvel in awe at that beautiful perfect apple. If you want, juggle them.

The guy at a restaurant gives you great service? - Jump up and give him or her a big hug. We scream out and cheer on strangers why not cheer for someone who actually gives you some food? “Awesome waiter”!!!! Pretend the table is a stage and throw that tip down with abandon. :"I love you and the way you hold that menu waiter"!

Stuck in Traffic? –Throw on some music – start dancing (yes this is possible) and give smiles to all the souls in the cars next to you. Blow them a kiss. Roll down your window and tell them to have a blast. Sing at the top of your lungs!!!

Try walking into your boss’s office and paying them a compliment…see what happens. In fact, pay 10 people a compliment today…treat them like rock stars. Better yet, make at least 5 of those compliments to people you dislike, are not friends with, fear, intimidated by or don’t converse with on a daily basis.

Try this for a day…

If you like it….try it for a few days…weeks…months….years…

Maybe then you might create rock concert (or whatever your “thing” might be) joy all day.

Now show me that sexy smile (yes that one) and get to it....

2006-06-12T17:15:00.000-07:00

Quick Note to the Mom and the Dad

Happy 29th!!!!

Mom thank you for finally accepting Dad's date even though you thought he was a total player...

Dad thank you for getting your head out of your ass 29 years ago when you decided that, no, in fact, you could not live without the Mom so you had to beg her back.

Because then you would not have given birth to this wonderful, beautiful, daughter who you lovingly call the devil spawn.

Oh and that smart guy who is your son...you would not have had him either...yeah whatever.

Happy Anniversary!! And may you have 29 more years :)

2006-06-11T16:36:00.000-07:00

I, whoaaaaaa, I'm STILL ALIVE!!!!! Mischief managed!

Wowzers I came home to some nice comments

Yup that’s right I am back…and oh boy my life did change.

Not to worry in a good way. In a very very good way. Tee Hee

Well I am not going to give a play by play of my trip or the events of last week. I was thinking, “Well how can I explain what happened”?

I had the greatest time ever, I learned a lot, a lot happened. But if I were to write it all out I would be getting those “you know my attention span” comments again.

So maybe I will just give highlights and what I learned will have to be applied on a later date.

I got a call right before my trek up there. Ok that is such a lie I got about 20 calls. All from worried people (not mad I know it was done out of love duhhh) but one call stood out.

“Rachel you are the weirdest craziest person I know.”

No be safe, no call me when you get there, just a statement that because I decided to trek up there all by myself I was weird and crazy. However, from the guy who said that I expected nothing less LOL.

My drive up was amazing and so freeing. My trip itself was such a blast. I hope I don’t piss off certain readers here but damn they make the men gorgeous up north. I mean I met a guy from East Bay – baseball player – HOT. I met a guy from Elk Grove (no not kidding) who was just the embodiment of “Rachel’s type.” Both inside and outside. We started the trip with the Union Street Festival which, in reality, spills out to neighboring streets and towards the end everyone ends up having roof top and backyard bbqs anyway. By the time these pictures were taken we had been drinking out in the sun all day, bbq’ing and drinking all night with all our friends. We are sunburned, tipsy, lacked proper clothing and makeup, and yes that smile on my face is a drunk smile so bite me.

"whoa where is she lookin? she has an imaginary friend!"

That was how the week started…and it just got more fun from there.

Other highlights?

Sitting on the roof of the apartment complex, watching the gorgeous sunset over the marina, just laughing and smiling like nothing else in the world mattered but that one moment.

Taking a boat ride through the bay and to Alcatraz. OK I am going to get a boat one day. I love boats. The day was so beautiful and serene I could have hung out on that boat all day.

Look they are kissing!

Seeing the house I lived in from the time I was born until I was four. Bet ya all did not know I was born up north huh? I was born in Livermore and lived in Walnut Creek, which is about 30 minutes from the city. When I saw the house and our backyard (which was the actual creek) so many memories came flooding back including me running around in just my panties because I was so proud to be potty trained. They were pink with ruffles on the butt.

Thanks to C, the “all access pass” model. We got to watch the Giants game (not a Giants fan but any baseball fan needs a chance to watch the Bonds in action) from about 7 rows behind home plate. We were so loud and obnoxious that we got “shushed” by a bunch of big and loud fans behind us. And, yes..Bonds hit a homer just for me.

Driving to the Jelly Belly factory and to Sacramento just because…..

Making all the new friends and meeting all the new people I met. Most important was being with my best friend again. And I love all the people we met as well. Hot Stanford Graduates, one armed gay man with hair shinier than mine, girls so nice you become insta-friends…you name it I met it.

Picking up a hitchhiker near the state penitentiary who was just trying to get away for a while. We ended up having a great philosophical conversation about life and how it is supposed to be lived.

Heart attack yet?

A slew of other stuff happened and some I can’t share to the public and some “lessons” I will share. But right now I am tired and muddy (that is a whole other post) and am going to go watch Perfect Square and relax.

But just so you all know...."Mischief Managed" :)

P.S - almost had ya with the hitchhiker story huh? Tee Hee

2006-06-02T10:50:00.000-07:00

Homework and Thoughts to Ponder While I am Gone

Allrighty I am off to San Francisco and various spots around the bay area. I might even have to stop by my home-town except its not like I even remember my old address.

Before I go I would like to leave you all with these thoughts to ponder for the week

Sexy Scissors - learn it live it

The Goddess Rules – Read it (if you are a girl)

Gomez – How We Operate – listen to it

When my sister is stressed – she goes so crazy its like all access comedy

When you are all out of thoughts – your mind goes blank and you reach Nirvana

If a guy brags about his "number" (or tells you it without you asking) or you notice all his friends know – no thank you next go away

I have really ugly feet. Years of dancing and now running has just turned them into ugly damn things

Now that I am paying for shit on my own I have yet to turn on the AC. But also the AC knob is high on the wall and I have yet to figure out how to reach it

There is a Lean Cuisine that is just fettuccine Alfredo and another that is Fettuccine Alfredo with chicken. The one with chicken is only 10 calories more than the one without. (Sister gave me this info) and we would both like to know then why do they make both? Wouldn’t you just want the one with protein?

Instant messaging and text messaging is the only thing cutting down on my cell phone minutes. Love the sidekick!

Skippy now makes EXTRA chunky peanut butter – there is a God

You have one obligation in life….and that is to rock (my man Greg)

And that kills me
And I hope slowly (best thing my brother has ever said)

5 phone calls today said the following: “Please call me when you get there I worry about you” - I am 24!!!!!! I can drive!!!!

Does anyone remember the meatballs and spaghetti song from childhood? I can’t remember the words. It started with on top of old smokey.

How about the Baby Beluga song? Baby Beluga in the deep blue sea…that’s all I remember

Lord Byron – a-freaking-mazing (a poet )

Noted freebie – If you are crying to a girlfriend on the phone while driving through a drive through the guy gives you your stuff for free.

I just completely changed my career agenda. I changed my major. I am beginning to think maybe I was not too stupid for school before but rather just was not in the right place,. And yet I am still freakeddddddd out. Will I ever freaking graduate? When I do I kid you not my family is going to be so happy and in shock I can ask for a pony and they would get it.

However, on the above note, I still don’t think any less of me ; )

I ate so much tonight I have a food baby

You know if you reread children’s books as an adult you get more out of them. Everyone, go reread The Secret garden….amazing

Me and R are seeing Rick Springfield tonight before my trek up the coast– don’t laugh

Saturday will still change my life forever

My brother is so uncool he is cool again

Why do some men make you turn into a babbling nervous looney around them?

Why do they make dressing room lighting make everyone look bad? I mean don’t you think they would make it soft lighting so you look good in everything therefore spend more money?

On that note you know you can’t trust a sales girl when she says “Oh your legs look long in that” WHAT? I am pushing five feet!

My Guardian Angel gave me permission to misbehave. So that is what I am off to do.

I will give all the details (except the ones I don’t want to give) upon my return

Have a great weekend all of you and for those about to rock..I salute you

And please post answers and comments to any and all of these..I want some answers when I get back damnit!

2006-06-01T11:25:00.000-07:00

Random Musings and a peek into my purse for GRINS

So being that my soreness was leaving my body and once again I could feel my ass I decided to take said ass to the mall to look for a dress. I tried on so many damn dresses and of course the one dress that looked hot on me…the ONE dress I wanted..was the most expensive dress I tried on!! Damnit I want that dress!

So I won’t be posting for a bit I am off to go to San Fran, attend a festival (all the paid for drinks we want!), see a game (free tickets right behind home plate!), go to Napa, and see some friends….I will guarantee all of you I will have a ton of fun and will misbehave the entire time

I had a dream about Mr. Beach Boy last night and now feel pretty lame for not giving him my number. OK this is for the girls - do you know some guys who just have a body that gets you wide eyed by looking at it? They have a face that is so precious and a smile that kills you. Their confidence is such a turn on and their personality and sincerity make it all the better. You all know that guy...I know a few down here. BUT - it is THIS guy who I have only met once that haunts my dreams and fills my thoughts. I got it bad people - I got it worse than ever.

However, before I go I will leave you with some random musings from yours truly:

Something is happening to me Saturday that will change my life...but it is a secret :)

Yes I take a stuffed animal with me when I travel – it’s a carebear -deal with it

I get to go to the Toronto Film Festival and wear like a real red carpet GOWN. A GOWN!!!! With a stylist!!!!!

I start my personnel training and pilates training soon – ok so excited about that. I will be certified!!

I am not bitchy enough….but I am getting better

The best thing to say to a guy is stare at him in the eye and say "I want you"

A mirrored closet right next to your bed is deadly

I am spoiled rotten

I am still on a total high from the half-marathon, I want to go run one again. There are only a few feelings in this world that match up…and funny enough the word “marathon” is used for that too

I seriously need a day planner – this is getting ridiculous. I am double booking.

The best panties ever are Hanky Panky

If DUSTIN does not smile soon I am going to kick all 170 pounds of his cute ass into next week.

Too little too late....three strikes your out. I LOVE cliches

I learned the most important lesson there is to learn in life - what I am worth, peoples actions speak louder than words, I can't spell worth a damn, I can always grow and learn something, what I want has changed from what I used to want, if we dont learn from the past it will repeat itself, people will love you as much as you love yourself, if you dont love yourself you will attract people who dont love themselves, life has some amazing things happen if one is brave enough to jump, I don't have to be nice all the time, honesty is better, I can always improve, sociopaths are the only people who can never admit they are or were wrong, dishonest people have an alterior motive, most people dont know they are one of those people, we are all that person at one time or another, some kama sutra positions are damn near impossible, it doesnt matter what anyone thinks of you if you have with integrity, you can get everything you want if you are willing, settling is another word for fear, change is for the strong, love is everywhere, its better to accept who you are than pretend to be something you are not, no one is 100% noble and those that pretend to be are pretending to satisfy their ego, age does not equal maturity, people tell you everything you need to know without telling you direct, dogs are the best thing, tilex is awesome, my brother is always right about people as is my grandfather, everybody in this world is better and smarter than they think they are, life is pretty simple if you get your ego out of the way, I have no time for anything other than a second chance, third chances don't exist, if you dont love your own company for an extended period of time then you dont love yourself, loniless does not exist, admitting wrong doing does not make one weak it makes them strong, running is amazing, dancing naked in your living room is fun, never burn a bridge unless it is an unstable one, you can do anything you put your mind to unless you are scared of what you want to do, not doing what you want is another way of saying you have a fear of failure, a good book and a good beach can change your life, there is not a big difference between 800 thread count and 1000 except the price, its good to get dirty once in a while, there is nothing wrong with a woman acting like a woman, let no one make you feel bad for being who you are, always be yourself, and my last one....never stop believing in the beauty of your dreams

Lesson LEARNED

My sister is amazing.

Seriously Dustin...SMILE!!!!!

Everything is hidden under the surface....no one is what they seem to be.

Shout out to Lyndsey because of her graduation. Congrats babe! I can't help but feel envy, I am only human. But I will graduate someday. If only I didn't feel like I were too stupid to. (hello Rachel's weak spot)

Mr. Beach Boy needs to leave my head. Or should I just go back to the beach and wait there?

I promise to drive safe and I won't pick up any hitchhikers. My first road trip without anyone there to overprotect me...damn it feels good.

I will give you all some fun stories when I return..and plenty of pictures :)

And big ole SHOUT OUT to GRINS because she tagged me today (THANKSSSSSS a BUNCHHHH Grins) Go over to www.grinsnlaughter.com and bug her just because for me

Allright here it goes Grins, just for you

5 Items in my Fridge

1. protein shakes
2. water bottles
3. salmon
4. strawberries
5. diet coke

5 Items in my Closet

1. about 50 pairs of jeans
2. a bunch of shoes
3. a bunch of handbags
4. a memory box
5. some really hot tops

5 Items in my Car

1. cell phone charger
2. water bottle
3. flip flops
4. beach blanket
5. sunglasses

5 Items in my purse

1. lip gloss
2. ipod
3. small notebook
4. wallet
5. breath strips

5 People who are tagged

1. Mr. Black Rim Glasses
2. Old Lady of the Hills
3. Shpprgrl
4. Dustin I am tagging you too cause I want to kno what is in your purse
5. Mazing Amy

2006-05-31T11:00:00.000-07:00

Lazy Days – Few and Far Between…But Oh So Fun

What I did yesterday

8:00 AM Woke up..crap its too early need more sleep

8:30 AM Ouch how did THAT get sore? Need water

9:30 AM – slog out of bed

10:00 AM shower and cover myself with aloe

10:30 – 3:30 - sat on the sofa, chatted, talked on the phone, watched two movies , ate chocolate cake, internet window shopped (damn I want that Bebe dress…oh loveeee that handbag wish I could afford said handbag),

4:00 – 5:00 – had to leave the house for an appointment – went to said appointment in the juicy sweats I went to bed in…forgot to brush hair.

5:00 – 9:30 – sat on sofa, chatted, watched some Sex and the City, ate more food, tried to rub the kink out of my legs, took a little nap, checked baseball game progress…wished had enough money for mlb direct tv package

10:00 – 12 – left the house – same sweats – to a movie…

12 – came home, took a bath, read some Ovid, went to bed ..took the sweats off

my sofa got some lovin today

What a perfectly lazy day :)

And ladies how much do you love a) Moulin Rouge and b) juicy terry sweat pants c) sateen panties d)cocoa butter body oil e) Love Actually f)fudge cake g) silk h)Aruban pure aloe I) Massages and J) warm breezy nights and K)Ovid

Now a day that combines all of those and doesn’t involve having to work or even move….priceless

Damn too bad today is going to be busy again..ahh well at least I got one lazy day.

So tell me – what do you all love to do on lazy days?

2006-05-30T12:43:00.000-07:00

I DID IT!! I DID IT!!!

I hope everyone had a great Memorial Day..Mine was action packed and eventful.

I will just go into the straight big news but first I have to explain why it is big news..

I have been a dancer since I was three years old. I have a jazz dancers body (so not a ballerina lol) and that is what I always thought it was built for. When I was a hard core dancer is gave me direction and purpose and goals to look forward to. I have medals and trophies and memories and all that but when it ended I just resorted to gym exorcize to keep me sane and my girly figure in tact. But I had no goals to look forward to; it was just go to the gym everyday do 30-45 minutes of cardio and then weights.

So six months or so ago I started jogging on the treadmill. I was sore and tired after three miles but I got this crazy thing in my head that I was going to start training for a half marathon and then do a full marathon. Dude I was slow and could barely run three miles because running is very different than the Stairmaster or elliptical machine. So I went out and joined a running team and started training for a half marathon. I cant begin to tell you how many times I was so scared going to the river trail on Saturday morning because on that day we had a five miler and I had never done that before. And the day we had eight I panicked. But running did a ton for me (as I keep saying).

To explain - I am a girl who has to have high thread count sheets, who puts special lotion on her body morning and night, who wears 20-dollar panties just because I like them. I can’t lift heavy objects, am overprotected and such, and get lost in my own town. My sweats are even girly. I am a total girly girl in short. But when I am running I look horrid and don’t even care, and after the race yesterday I really looked dreadful. But I didn’t care! I felt great. I felt beautiful just because this little dancer body ran with the real runners…and did a damn good job at it! I mean I was STRONG! WOO HOOO!!

Yesterday I ran 13.1 miles, a half marathon. I ran the one of the hardest half marathons in California because 6 of the miles are a solid uphill the entire time. But I did it!

Sorry proud gushing moment for me!

How did the race go?

Miles one through five – Felt really good. Went a little too fast had to watch my pacing

Miles five through seven – Whew its getting a little hot out here, this is a hilly course, had to stop to pee in a porta poty (I never use those)

Miles eight – ten – ok this hill is tough, pain is starting, kinda tired..take some runners goo.

Mile eleven – ok four more miles four more miles..will this hill ever end? They never said anything about a hill this bad! This is a mountain! Oh that guy in front of me is gorgeous. Nice butt. Nice body. No shirt. Mind starts wondering. Whew got through that mile so fast! Am now convinced I only got through this mile quick because a hot guy with a super hot body was running shirtless in front of me and his ass was fabulous.

Mile 12 – OK two more fucking miles. I am nuts. This hill can kiss my ass except I wouldn’t feel it because it went numb a mile ago. What the hell did I get myself into? I am graceful and posed why did I think I would be able to do this? Stupid. Tired. This has got to be bad for my face remind yourself Rachel to do a face mask later to get this grime out. Ouch my feet are hurting. Ok its almost over Rachel you can do this you can do this. Screw this hill. Damn it is so hot Id rather be running this naked.

Mile 13 – ok almost there almost there almost there…euphoria kicking in, going a little faster

Finish LINE!!!!! KJFHKLAHJDKLASSJK WOOOO HOOOOO I DID IT I DID IT…Ouch that hurt

I don’t have my professional photos back yet but some friends and my parents had taken some. I was not sure if I should post them here. For starters try to picture me as follows:

Hair a mess
Soaking wet (from sweat and water)
Puffy (running that much causes puffy faces and hands and feet)
Dirty
Half naked
Sunburned
Tired
In pain

You get the idea

But I have never felt more beautiful and strong ever. Cause I just had ran a half marathon, half of which was a steep uphill.

I am not nuts though so I won’t post the picture of me about 10 seconds after crossing the finish when I looked like I might keel over. Though D says I still look sexy in it but he is trying to pull me so he’d say anything. And frankly I don’t believe him LOL

Instead I will be brave and show you all me and some runners in the beer garden about 20 minutes after we finished. I still look wretched and about to keel over, but my breathing had at least gone back to normal. No judging people!! And hey the beer guy gave me his number – so it couldn’t have been that bad haha.

Anyways, I am now resting at home, and feeling really damn good and proud of myself. I have another half marathon in October and then the full one after that.

Allright time for a spa day, I need to be pampered. I need a massage and a facial and a pedicure and a mani. A mud bath would be nice too. My butt needs a massage too, it is still numb. So are my feet though. Pamper me please.

2006-05-27T13:10:00.000-07:00

Take Me Out to the Ballgame...and then sweep me off my feet :)

I got my picture back from the Angels Race. It is a horrid picture. I am sweaty and there is no makeup on my face. I wouldn’t usually post any picture of me sweaty with no makeup on but I have to because I look so freaking happy. I guess it is a perfect example of what running does for me. Dance has always done it for me, and now running does. I know I am Ms. Advocate for cardio activity, but seriously, if there is one thing that would change your life for the better it would be to find a sport or activity that gets your juices flowing and do it most days a week.

So here is Rachel, running through the field at Angel Stadium.

told ya it was horrid...but check out where I am running!!! :)

This past week, this upcoming weekend, the half marathon, and the next few weeks are going to be hectic and crazy. I am using my time at the ballpark as more of my meditation time. Last nights game was a good one. We, thanks to Dave being out of town, got to use his club season tickets. They were seriously some of the best seats I have had there. Club level is all posh and they actually serve you food. Plus our seats were literally right next to the press box! I have to say as well, thank you to my date for the new hat..cause it is damn cute! That field at the stadium represents so much more to me than just a ballgame that most find boring. Baseball is like a game of chess, and me sitting there, figuring it out, calms my head and makes me happy.

So I showed you me running through the field, and at a game I look at that same field, and win or lose I have the time of my life. This is me..staring at the same field I got to run through :)

Sounds stupid? Well bite me hehe

I hope everyone has an awesome Memorial Day..and when you are sitting there drinking beer think of me busting my ass at the race…and then I will go drink beer. Oh yeah BJ’s has a free beer party after the race and my race bib gets me in WOO HOOO!!

2006-05-26T10:38:00.000-07:00

P.S You Rock My World...and Weekly Quotes

Yes, it is that time again! I am hungover, I recall drunk dialing D and talking to him until 3:00 AM., only to be woken up by him this morning because he was pissed that he is now tired (pfft) I recall meeting a guy whose boss was there and kept buying everyone rounds. I was so drained from finals (they are OVER!!!) that I just wanted to have some fun, which is basically what I did. The Eels were not that great (not their fault I still love them) the sound at the Roxy sucks and they should not be doing hard electric guitar and pretending to be hard rock when they are not. I did not pay much attention to the show though because I was too busy getting free drinks and being happy finals were over. I do remember though that my sister-in-law looked absolutely gorgeous so I wish I had brought my camera.

Moving on…Here are the Weekly Best Quotes EVER…in random order.

“You are a republican and a spoiled brat? Isn’t that kind of redundant?”

“Yeah I am a metro. I have all the body issues of a gay man and the communication problems of a straight man”

“You are straight? And you like to shop? You are my new best friend!”

“I find you arrogant, cocky, abrasive, forward, and self absorbed….its totally sexy..”

“On one side you have the quest for perfection – which you can never get. On the other side you have complete freedom - which you can have now. You pick which one you want.”

(Probably the only male alive who would say this) “I don’t like my women to be loud. I mean I know what my name is you don’t have to scream it out”
“Thank God we never dated”
(all you men out there – this is abnormal right?)

“I’m rolling my eyes back as far as I can see my brain”

“If he is holding a guitar like that, imagine how he would hold you.”

“So what do you want me to do about it? A backflip?”

“”Don’t look at me like that”
“Like what”?
“Like you are picturing me naked.”

“Everyone loves you so stop fucking worrying if anyone doesn’t and just smile.”

“You piss me off. A LOT.”
“Then why hang around”?
“I have no fucking clue..but I am”

“OK I will be friends with you if that’s what you want but that doesn’t mean I will ever stop wanting to sleep with you and I probably will still try. All guys are like that, get used to it.”

2006-05-24T20:00:00.000-07:00

I got the looks, you got the brains...let's make lots of money

"Rachel's happy tipsy face"

So last night was tons of fun. I ended up getting there early since I gave myself plenty of time for traffic and yet for the first time, in the history of LA, there was none.

Being that I had over an hour to kill I headed to this posh bar on Hollywood and Vine. It is the type of bar that is overly crowded at 5:00 already because all the suits go there after work.

I went in to get a beer and enjoy myself and actually made a couple new friends. Very cool guys, and I will be seeing them again real soon. The cool part is my new friend owns a certain LA venue and now I got me some free concerts WOO HOOO!!!

Gomez, as always, were orgasm and euphoria inducing. We ran into my friend Steve at the show as well so that was cool. Being that at this point I was three beers down the line (OK people you see how small I am that is a lot for me!) I was all jumping and touchy feely. The show was so awesome. I seriously could see Gomez five nights a week and be happy.

Tomorrow is the Eels after my last finals and they are doing an electric show rather than strings so that should be different and nifty.

Here is the cool thing about seeing concerts with my brother.

First off you have to picture two people on completely opposite ends of the spectrum as far as personalities go. My brother and I are so different sometimes I wonder if my mother was not getting any action from some nutty dude on the side. We never see eye to eye. We look very different. We act different. I am extroverted he is not. He has the brains, I am street smart but nowhere near the genius of him. BUT there is one thing that causes us to get along and that is music. We have always bonded through music and that is when we get along so that is why I love going to concerts with him. He is a total nerd and a geek to boot but he becomes a different person when around music. I love it.

P.S – I was tipsy in these pictures, and when I get tipsy... I kiss…so forgive the lack of normalcy.

"see told ya so"

2006-05-23T11:41:00.000-07:00

Studying to Baseball Movies..and Concerts on a Tuesday

I have a final in an hour. I am going nuts. But, surprisingly not stressed at all.

Sunday I spent the day studying and being that I can't sit and study with no noise I decided to make it a theme movie day. All I did Sunday was study and watch Kevin Coster baseball movies. Yes people, don't laugh. I went from Field of Dreams to Bull Durham and then onto For the Love of the Game. Those movies reminded me why baseball is such a good metaphor for life...though that I will have to explain later.

I am not going to get all deep on you guys now, especially after, my last post, it took it all out of me.

I am leaving straight from my final to the Gomez concert because I thought since I am not sleeping at all this week anyways, I might as well add fuel to the fire.

I have a very very very busy few weeks ahead of me..makes me think I really should start using a day planner. I have a couple baseball games, a half marathon, a road trip, a bridal shower, the marine corp Mud Run, Pearl Jam..the list goes on.

Weird thing - I am not stressed. I am not overwhelemed. I am 100% perfectly happy. Maybe that night on the beach did something to me..because I have not stopped smiling and just being peaceful since then.

I am even all frisky again, and when I say frisky I mean like insatiable, can't think about anything else frisky. Seriously I have a final in an hour I need to stop being randy for a few hours. Then I will have to get that taken care of pronto.

I was talking with a friend last night about fantasies - so I have a question for all of you. I want you, in the comment section, even if you have to post anonymous - to say what your dreams, fantasies, and well anything is. Go on, do it, I am just curious..because it seems we all have fantasies and so many of us are scared to do anything about it. So tell me yours, then I shall tell ya mine. :)

I will be back tomorrow with a more meaningful post I promise...

But for now...

Being that Sunday was baseball movie day I am going to leave you all with some of my favorite quotes from Kevin Coster baseball movies

"You once wrote, there comes a time when all the cosmic tumblers have clicked into place and the universe opens it’s self up for a few seconds to show you what’s possible "- Ray - Field of Dreams

"What ever happens in the next few minutes, I want you to know that when I opened the door & saw you...my heart lepped. It lepped!" - For the Love of the Game

Crash Davis: Come on, Annie, think of something clever to say, huh? Something full of magic, religion, bullshit. Come on, dazzle me.
Annie Savoy: I want you. - Bull Durham

"Last night should have been the happiest night of my life, it wasn't because you weren't there. I'm not telling you this to make you stay or to change your mind, but I want you to know that I know that I need you." - For the Love of the Game

"America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. Its been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game is a part of our past. It reminds of everything that was once good and could be again. People will come, Ray, oh people will most definitely come." - Field of Dreams

Crash Davis: Why do you get to choose? I mean, why don't I get to choose, why doesn't he get to choose?
Annie Savoy: Well, actually, nobody on this planet ever really chooses each other. I mean, it's all a question of quantum physics, molecular attraction, and timing. Why, there are laws we don't understand that bring us together and tear us apart. Uh, it's like pheromones. You get three ants together, they can't do dick. You get 300 million of them, they can build a cathedral. - Bull Durham

Annie Savoy: Well of course I'm trying to seduce you, for God's sake, and I'm doing a damn poor job of it... Aren't I pretty?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: God, I think you're real cute.
Annie Savoy: Cute? Baby ducks are cute, I HATE cute! I want to be exotic, and mysterious!
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: You are, you're exotic, and mysterious, and... cute... and... That's why I'd better leave. - Bull Durham

You see, there's no guilt in baseball, and it's never boring... which makes it like sex. There's never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn't have the best year of his career. Making love is like hitting a baseball: you just gotta relax and concentrate. Besides, I'd never sleep with a player hitting under .250... not unless he had a lot of RBIs and was a great glove man up the middle. You see, there's a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys. I can expand their minds. Sometimes when I've got a ballplayer alone, I'll just read Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him, and the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen. 'Course, a guy'll listen to anything if he thinks it's foreplay. I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe, and pretty. ' - Annie - Bull Durham

I would post a World Baseball Classic photo here - but I don't have any :(

Wish me Luck people! The semester is almost over :)

2006-05-21T12:07:00.000-07:00

ALWAYS Talk to Strangers…and I got to run through the field!

Disclaimer – a) the following is long because I need a break from studying and b) the conversation that follows is to the best of my memory LOL

So I had the Angels Race this morning and it was my worst time ever as far as finish time (because I have been sick) but the bestest funnest ever (because we got to freaking run through the stadium)

I don’t mean we got to run through the area of the stadium that I am always in, I mean we got to run through the FIELD. So during that part of the race I practically slowed to a crawl because there I am on the freaking baseball field running by the dugouts and the bullpen and omigod it was so so cool.

Last nights game was, of course, big topic of conversation at the race. You could almost feel the depression of the people in the air. Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on with those guys lately? Oh well, I am just going to keep my faith that they will pull through in the end.

Later on in the evening I decided I needed a break from studying. I was having writers block and just feeling uninspired and so I got in my car and drove to the only place that I knew would inspire me as soon as I got there. My spot. My spot is a certain beach down here, that I always go to alone when I need to gather my thoughts, feel peaceful or just get inspired. The spotty clouds I saw in the sky told me tonight’s sunset would be perfect. I grabbed my notebook and my ipod, kicked off my shoes and headed down the path. I laid my beach blanket down and just sat there absorbing the view, the small gathering of people who were there to watch the sunset and the waves.

I go to this place for solitude, it makes me whole, it makes me think, and most importantly it makes me smile. The first time I went there was the night one of my best friends died. I went to escape and as I sat there just staring at the sea I saw a dolphin, alone, dancing in the waves.

As I sat there listening to my music and writing my thoughts down in my notebook, a stranger walked by, then turned around and started walking towards me.

“What’cha listening to”? he asked.

“It is just a mix of music I made, nothing special.”

He sat down. He didn’t even ask, he just sat down like it was the normal thing to do. I gave him the once over. Expensive jeans, AG jeans, which is the type of expensive only men who either know jeans or have a woman who knows jeans wears. His hair was an unkept black and his eyes were green..nice combo. He was not gorgeous, but had more of a “indie” handsome thing going on. Of course I do this “once over” in about three seconds so it is never noticeable.

“Well I just saw you sitting here, you kind of reminded me of that chick from Garden State (ok good taste in movies) so I thought either you had something interesting going on with your music or something else was making you smile that big, just thought I would say hi.” Wow he was a talker. And quite forward!

Now normally I like to be alone in my spot, but hey what the heck, I am always up for conversation among strangers.

“It is called The Sunset Mix,” I explained, handing him the headphones

He took the ipod and scrolled through the playlist, “The Cure, REM, Pearl Jam, nice mix of music you got there.”

I cracked a smile. My music. Gets em’ every time.

“So might I ask what a girl like you is doing here all alone”?

Remember how I said I tend to divulge to strangers?

“Well I want to be here alone. This spot is sort of my “SPOT,” I have been coming here for years whenever I need solitary time or inspiration.”

“Weird, so have I, but I have never seen you here.” He was looking at me with a curious eye now. “Can I say something without it sounding like a total come on”?

The sun had already set causing the spotty clouds to become silhouettes to the bright orange the sky had become. To the other side of the sky, it had already begun to turn gray.

“I haven’t stopped you so far have I”?

“Fair enough. I just wanted to say you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen.”

“That might be the sunset making you optimistic” I said, trying to be modest but what the hell that never works. “So why do you come here so often”?

“Well, I live right up the street” He said pointing up toward the cliff (ahhhhh explains the expensive jeans) “And, why are you looking at me like that”?

“Well, I have this theory,” I blurted out. “It goes something like this…Every single person I meet or talk to is in my life for a minute, a year, years, or a lifetime. And every single one is in it for a reason. That was what I was just writing about. So I was thinking you just sat down for a reason, even if I never see you again”

“So you’re a synchronicity girl huh”? he said, still looking at me curiously.

“Sound silly”?

“Not at all.”

For the next hour, we sat there as the sky got dark, chit chatting about music, concerts, books and baseball. We talked about how the Angels are pissing us off, how the ocean seems to cure everything, and how music really does save your mortal soul. We talked about happiness and love and my love for running and his for surfing. We talked about our goals, our dreams and dogs and travel. I was beginning to think this might be the best stranger conversation I have had in a long time.

“So why did I come into your life for this night”? he suddenly changed the subject

I looked at this guy, very good looking in a non-assuming way, smart, interesting, and obviously good taste in music and baseball teams, and thought for a minute.

“Well, because you are the evidence before the proof.”

“What’s that mean”? he asked

“It means you gotta have faith. You came to show me faith. So I know I don’t have to settle”

OK that got him to smile so I went on, “See this is my SPOT. Nobody comes here with me. I don’t ever talk to anyone here. Nobody understands what this place means to me and how no matter what is going on in my life it can bring me peace and happiness and and..well faith. No one gets it, but I have a feeling you do”

And that was the weird thing, I had a feeling he really did understand.

“Well you might be right. But how come you have so much faith? When I saw you, you looked like the happiest girl in the world, you looked inspired, how do you do that”?

I began to gather up my belongings as it was getting late and I still had studying to do.

“I guess I just know myself. That’s partly why I come here, because I think you have to be alone to get to know who you really are, what you really are about, so you can love yourself. And, I guess here the whole world is perfect, so how can I not be happy about that’?

“What is your name”?

“It’s Rachel”
I stood up, dusting the sand off my pants.

“Rachel, thank you.”

“For what? I did nothing but blabber on to a stranger Mr. Beach Boy.” The sky was now black and the beach empty.

“No you did more. Thank you for inspiring me. To be honest, I have been depressed lately, my mother just died, that’s why I live up the street now. I moved in with my father to help him out. But I smiled for the first time in a while tonight. Maybe that was the reason you talked to me, to make me smile”

I was sooooooo taken aback. Here I amm going on and on about perfection and happiness and here this guy just lost his mother…

“No don’t look at me like that,” he said. “No feeling sorry for me. She had been sick for a long time, I guess I was just trying to find the meaning of it all.”

“Well, then you are welcome. And, thank you for not judging me.”

“How can I judge you, your eyes are hypnotizing. Plus your smile is contagious” He flashes a grin.

“OK now that was a line, and a bad one too.”

“Hey I tried,” he shrugged.

“Well I have to get back to studying since it is getting so late. But seriously Mr. Beach Boy, you have been the best single serving date I have ever had. Like I said you gave me evidence.”

“I hope you have an awesome night, do you think we will meet again.”?

“Perhaps Mr. Beach Boy, it is all up to synchronicity.”

I gave him a grin and began to walk back to my car. I turned around once and saw him lying on the sand, staring up at the sky. I had the desire to reach out and hug him but carried on walking instead.

People come into our lives for a reason. Whether or not I ever see Mr. Beach Boy again, I thought, I got into my car smiling, I know the reason that night happened…he just renewed my faith.

P.S The Sunset Mix is, as follows:

Pearl Jam – Come Back

REM and Chris Martin – In the Sun

The Cure – Love Song

Simon and Garfunkel – bridge Over Troubled Water

Jeff Buckley -Hallelujah

Guster – Rocket Ship

The Used – On My Own

INXS – beautiful Girl

The Beatles – Blackbird

Eels – Climbing Up to the Moon

The Beatles – Across the Universe

Simon and Garfunkel – The Only Living Boy in New York

God Only Knows – Beach Boys

Beach Boys – Everyone’s in Love With You

Grant Lee Phillips – Happiness

Just in case ya all wanted to know!

2006-05-19T15:47:00.000-07:00

Weekly Best Quotes EVER

Watch what you say to me people...I have a good memory.

“If someone loves you, nothing can keep them away. If they don’t, nothing can make them stay”

“I have a secret desire to see you naked.”
“Guess now it’s not a secret.”

“I don’t believe in psychics”
“I know”
“How did you know”?
“Because I am psychic.”

“You seriously drive me crazy. But I kinda like it, except when it pisses me off”

“You have fabulous boobs”!
“Thanks, you have a fabulous ass!”
“I know”

“I read what you wrote in your blog about your ideal man”
“Oh”?
“Yeah it sounds pretty damn easy if the guy really loves you.”
“Even putting up with me”
“Leaving cupboards open might have to be fixed. Well if it were to be me.”
(Said as I have a hole in my head)

“Grey’s Anatomy. The OC. I seriously can’t take these season finales anymore! I am depressed!”

Man sitting at bar to his friend, “Is she chartered or unchartered”?
“Not sure but I know she is a spinner” (bonus points if someone can tell me what chartered vs uncharted is as well as a “spinner” cause hell if I know)

“When I move to New York we will never see each other again.!”
“Yes because planes don’t exist or anything.”

“Use your head”!
“Apparently I am not so good at that.”

“Are you my friend”?
“Yes”
“Do you like me”?
“Yes”
“Are you sure”?
"Jesus"

“Whenever you feel scared just think of what it will be like to walk through Strawberry Fields in Central Park every single day with someone you love. Then you won't be scared anymore”

"Why are you crying? What's wrong? Are you ok?"
"Mar..Mar...Marissaaaaa just dieeddddddd wahhhhhhh"
"It is a TV show"
"But Ryan had to say goodbye to the muuuussiccccc. wahhhhhh"

"Just go in there when he is at the computer working and pull off his pants."

"You are one long complicating action. I might have to stick around for the climax."

I have the Angel Race tomorrow...not going to worry about time because I have been sick, I just have to get back to training now that I am almost better since the half marathon is almost a week away!

Finals next week...then this nightmare of a semester will be finally over.

This weekend is a study weekend, with some coffee, one movie, and some shopping thrown in. Shopping is in order, all the cute summer clothes will die if they don't get on me now. :)

2006-05-18T11:02:00.000-07:00

My Head is Bloody..I Need a Nap..and Apparently I am Addicting.

So you know how yesterday when I said one of the bad things I do is leave cupboards open?

Case in point.

I was putting some letterhead away in the bottom cupboard at work, jumped up to stand up and SMACK! The corner of the top cupboard door, which was left open, ingrained itself into my skull. I kid you not, I took a chunk off of the wood of the cupboard. So I started gushing blood, I now have a hole in my head, and had to go to urgent care. My head is throbbing so bad that it hurts to move my eyes.

Pooey

It is almost funny..because seriously who the hell else does this?

My boss looked at me and said, “Rachel I think this is some kind of sign.”

“Like what sign”?

“Rachel, you are in school full time, you work here 30 hours a week, you have finals and a half marathon coming up, you had to move twice in the past few months, you just changed your major and are moving to New York next year…don’t you think this is a sign of someone trying to tell you that you need a break.”

“But I am taking a break. I am taking a road trip, most of it by myself. I am doing completely 100% selfish things for me right now. I am taking alone time. I’m doing spa days and focusing on me completely. I am thinking about no one but me. I am going to go to Aruba. I am forcing myself to write for an hour a day and enjoying my single life while I can. I am running five miles a day and thats alone time. Does that count”?

“That still sounds kind of busy. Have you ever not done anything? You are probably the most extroverted person I know so this might be really hard for you but why don’t you take a day and just not do anything?”

Oh I tried that once. I tried to sit alone for a whole day without my phone on, my computer on, my TV on and any people around me. I eventually caved and went for a run and then spent three hours making music mixes and then another hour talking on the phone and then met up with a friend.

Maybe I am just that girl, always have to be doing something or talking something or running or moving. God knows I love to talk…and move. I can be alone, but even when I am alone I need noise so I will put music on and dance, or the tv on or write non stop.

Can any of us ever sit and do nothing?

But then again I have a bandage on my head and it soooo does not go with my outfit. I have a bump too; a big nasty one and my head is a throbbing mess. I guess sometimes our bodies really do try to tell us to slow down for a minute.

So..maybe it is a sign

Maybe I just need a nap. Or maybe I just need to shut the fuck up. LOL

In other news…

I have to say if I meet one more guy who says anything along the lines of “Ya know I think I am going to marry you someday” I just might scream. Especially since this is always said within a month of meeting me. And NO I don’t take this as a compliment or anything. I take it as I am being put on a pedestal and I just have to say I am not perfect. Stop saying that. You will get to know me and see that I am just a normal girl, nothing about me will save your soul and you won’t miss me when I am gone. I promise you won’t miss me when I am gone. I am just a normal girl. I am just a Rachel. I am not a savior or a muse. I am just normal ole Rachel and when someone tells me it is impossible not to love me or impossible to live without me...I really don't believe it. I am easily forgotten.

Sorry rant moment…

Temptation is tempting. Tempting…very very tempting. Especially if it in the package of some hotness.

My sister-in-law is, one day, going to have her own TV show that sort of is along the same style as South Park. Plus something about a dog named Homer.

My beliefs and morals do not match my animal desires and this irritates me. But hey we can’t behave all the time right? What do we follow? Our desires even if we don’t believe they are right? Thoughts on this?

I have the Angel’s Baseball Foundation Race this Saturday. This is cool because the race is at the stadium and I have a cute running outfit for it in case there are some hot baseball players there. A girl can never be too prepared right?

2006-05-17T09:17:00.000-07:00

Does Being Bad…Make You Good??

I always find it easier with people to list my bad qualities before they get to know me. I should do this more often. I usually say this with a smile so they end up getting to know me anyway but then when I exhibit any of these bad qualities people seem shocked.

But see, then I can say, “Well I warned you…now give me a hug.”

Some might wonder, well what are my “bad” qualities?

I give the stink eye if I don’t get something I want, I can be spoiled and demand attention usually at really inopportune moments, “Your in the middle of peeing, who cares I have got to tell you something!” “I don’t care if you just had sex this is important!!!”
I am possessive of my books and my DVDs but tend to neglect my DVDs ever so slightly. I leave the sticky things on them as well because when I buy a dvd I get anxious to watch it so I rip the damn thing out of there without taking off all the packaging and then forget to take it off later and I am stuck with a bunch of DVD covers with stickers on them. I totally hog the bed even though I am 4’11” and sub 100 pounds. I always find a way to take it over and I use way too many cell phone minutes.
I do this thing where if there is a mirror and I turn away from it I have to turn around just for a split second to take a look at my ass..just to make it sure it is still there. This gets quite embarrassing in the mirror section of Ikea. I ask way too many questions to complete strangers to the point of interrogation. I try on multiple outfits before I go out at night but then forget to hang any of the clothes up. I sometimes forget to drop off my dry cleaning while I am picking up a batch therefore causing an unnecessary extra trip. I don’t make my bed unless someone is coming over and there are books and clothes lying around and yet I have to clean my shower and bathroom every day. I can be quite needy except when I want to be alone. I sing horribly loud in public places and hover between extremely confident and slightly insecure depending on the hour. I am way too intense and cry at most TV shows. I become an emotional mess once a month and around this time I turn into a whiney child, and quite bitchy too. I use my sidekick to IM about 10 people at the same time during class. Then I come home, study, watch TV, eat, an IM 10 people while talking on the phone and applying lotion all at the same time. I blow a kiss at the mirror after putting on lip-gloss and do this weird wiggle move while putting on my jeans. I forget to lock the door sometimes and tend to hover between lanes while driving. I take things personally and talk about TV characters like they were real people:

“So who do you think she should pick, vet or McDreamy”?
“I like the vet he is such a good guy. McDreamy never said he was married!!”
“Yeah but McDreamy really loves her. Love conquers all.”
"But the Vet made future PLANS"
"But McDreamy loves her so much that she pisses him off all the time.
Now thats love."

I smile and give this coy little look when I want something and flirt with strangers just because I like to. I hand wash my underwear but forget to do it so have to go without panties for a day, only I don’t tell anyone..or I just wear swimsuit bottoms..unless it is with tight pants, then I have to go without. I can be quite messy, cocky, and sometimes I indulge in handbags and then have to not eat out for an entire month. I get in yelling fights with my mother and then ignore her for the rest of the day until the end when we make up. I talk too much, divulge details to strangers and leave leftovers in the fridge long after I shouldn’t. When I am at the gym I grab my chest, ignoring the fact that I am in front of people because my boobies feel different in a sports bra. I talk to my dogs as if they understand everything I say. I will ask someone the same question ten times until I get the answer I want to hear. I talk things to death.
I think I know more than I really know about anything. I judge people based on what music they listen to. I try to learn everything there is to know about something I want to know about but could not be bothered with things I don’t care to know about. I can be stubborn and frisky and mostly I am both at the same time at a given moment. I am an attention whore. I leave doors open, cupboards, drawers open and a few times I have left the fridge open. I tend to picture people naked just because it is fun and at any given moment I am probably thinking about getting naked too. Hell I am probably thinking it right now. I always buy a day planner but have never actually used one and get obsessive compulsive when I cook.

I will let that sink in….

So..time to share… tell me what makes you so bad that you are good

2006-05-16T22:16:00.000-07:00

Call Me Penny Lane - My Love Affair with REM

I first heard REM when I was 10. I was trying to be cool so I was “hanging out” in my brother’s room (little did I know my brother was not even cool but rather a total nerd) while he was listening to music. My music history up until then was either Raffi and other kid songs or The Beatles (my dad always had them on) which is and always will be my other staple and favorite.

Since that day my life was forever changed. I have seen them in concert too many times to count, I follow their news, my brother’s life and wife is what it is because of the band, and many life lessons I have learned through their songs. And now about fourteen years later, I credit REM for bringing people into my life that wouldn’t have been, for making my brother turn from an insecure nerd to a confident, if ever so slightly too much, businessman and great husband. I have hung out with members of the band, gotten to know some of the minds behind the music, and for some reason they seem to come up in conversation a lot.

How did my brother meet his wife? Because of Mike Mills

He created a website that has caused me to meet some amazing people..plus a whole lot of unamazing people LOL

It got him his job, and therefore free cds for me!

I feel a magic at an REM concert that I wish and hope other people can feel and if they do feel that magic then I automatically feel a kindred spirit connection with them. And I hope people can at least feel that magic about something in their life.

Watching Michael command a stage is like a dream come alive.

When I find a hot boy who loves REM I am snagging him.

Some of my best friends I have met because of the band, at concerts, etc.

I have driven in a car all the way to New Mexico (ok well I didn’t drive but we did take my car) just to see them in concert.

I use Michael’s lyrics in everyday life as lessons I have learned.

I have learned about courage to be unique: “I was brought into this life a little lab, courageous, stublin..Fearless was my middle name but somewhere there I lost my way..Everyone walks the same…Expecting me to step the narrow path they’ve laid. They claim to walk unafraid, I’ll be clumsy instead.”

I have learned about Love: “The stars are the greatest thing you’ve ever seen…they’re there for you cause you alone you are the everything.”

I have learned about following my own path: “ I have got to leave to find my way. Watch the road and memorize this life that pass before my eyes..”

Hell the title of my blog – an REM song (my favorite in fact)

Why do I tell you all of this?

Because, REM has been my butterfly effect. It is a little band that has shaped my life in more ways than I could imagine.

And, I have a feeling it will cause more flutters

Plus, the next tour…I can see the magic come alive once again.

2006-05-14T23:02:00.000-07:00

To All the Mamas I Have Ever Known and ALL the Mamas in My Life

I wanted to talk about Mama’s Day today in a way that celebrates all the “moms” in my life that is special to me. I am very lucky in that I, not only have an amazing mother, but an amazing grandma, two amazing great grandmas (we have great young genes) and other “moms” that have latched on through love to enjoy watching me grow as a woman.

My mother, who most would think looks like my sister, is probably the most selfless person I know. She is the type to stay up late, even when she has had a long day, to help someone prepare for a job interview, or council them on their careers, or offer business advice. She is the type to offer up her airline miles so a friend and me could take a vacation (Aruba is next mama!). She will help out anyone in need, not just her children but those she loves. While sometimes my mom and I butt heads because sometimes she forgets to not look at me as a baby anymore, for the most part, as long as we are not living together, we have a great relationship. She deserves a medal just for putting up with me when I was a child and a teenager. I was the devil spawn and she still managed to love me unconditionally. My mom has taught me a good work ethic, and that it is possible to be a good mother and have a career.

My grandma, who remains as beautiful and striking today as she was when she was my age, knows how to age gracefully. While she can no longer run the 10 miles a day that she used to, she still manages to do an hour of cardio and a couple hours of tennis multiple times a week. She has taught me what it means to cherish being a woman. She has taught me that you can be strong and yet feminine and the two go hand in hand. She has survived extreme poverty, lost jobs, the Bronx, miscarriages, still borns and fires. She and my grandfather are the perfect example of the American Dream. She helped and him build a life from a one-bedroom apartment in the Bronx to a life style that most dream about. And yet, even when a fire took away everything they had ever worked for, they managed to not even skip a beat. She is the strongest woman I know and she shows me what real love should look like. (Her and my grandpa still blow each other kisses) She was also the first person to point out and celebrate my bubble butt when I was a toddler. She used to kiss the damn thing saying, “Look at that tushy! Look at that tushy!” (I have a good memory Gram Gram I know you are reading this)

I could go on and on about all my “moms’ but I think it might just bore you all to tears. Instead I will leave you all with bits of advice that I have gotten throughout the years from my all the women in my life.

On Life

“Make your passion your career. Not the other way around.” - Mama

“ Never stop dancing, even if you stop, never stop it in your heart. Because, if you look for it, when your soul dances, so does the world.” – Dede – my dance teacher for life and second mom forever

“Never go to bed angry at anyone ever.” – mama again

“ You gotta be confident. It is the key to everything.” – Yvette
You gotta have fun with life always, laugh at it, enjoy It.” – Tracy

“Don’t fall into the trap of doing a job because you think it is what you are supposed to do. Follow your dream job. Break out of the mold. Use your talents,” – Mama

On Men

“Darling you deserve a prince and nothing less than a prince will do” – Great Grandma Bertha

“ I had the choice between your grandfather and Richie Davis. Your grandfather shared more interests with me and we could just sit and talk about them for hours.” - Gram Gram (OF course, if you ask my grandpa why he married my grandma he says, “Because I wanted to jump her bones” -

“Marry a man who gives you the best orgasms if your life. Because even if you have a fight, you can forget about it for a while. It will carry you through the tough times as well.” – My Guardian Angel.

“I told him he could kiss me but we can’t go any further because it might kill him.” – My 93 year old Great Grandma talking about her new boyfriend.

“Life takes some shitty roads sometimes so make sure to find a man strong enough to take them with you” Gram Gram

“When your dad asked me on a date his divorce was not even final yet so I said no. Then he asked again and I said no because he had been playing the entire building. So he asked again and I caved in. We had chemistry, guess you can’t ignore that.” - My mom when talking to me about why she went out with my dad when she was age 20 (he was 27)

On being a woman

“ Trying to act like a man does not make you equal. It makes you look like you feel being a woman is inferior and therefore you act like a man. Celebrate being a woman and that gives you power. God created both sexes because he needs both sexes” Gram Gram

“Always maintain your girly figure. You will thank yourself when you are older.” – My mom

So to Mom, Gram Grams, Great Grandma Bertha, Great Grandma Lisa, Tracy, Yvette, Dede, Marian, and all the other MOMs I have met in my life, including Pamela, and “Mom” and Marsha and Terri and Nola and Sheri and Mrs. B, and Mrs. A, and well all of you. The world is nothing without moms and every single mom I have ever met has given me a good example of what kind of mom I want to be someday. And to all the mom's in the world - you keep the earth together :)

2006-05-13T11:41:00.000-07:00

You Get The Evidence, Free Beer, and Fireworks...

I started today missing things in the past. I missed my music buddy, my REM buddy, my baseball buddy, and someone who knew how to pleasure me, someone who would kiss my ass (not metaphorically), and look at me with pure animal desire. Someone who I could bring to their knees with a look and make them vulnerable with my touch. I think we miss what we had when it is gone, but we forget to appreciate it when it is here. And I thought of that look and realized….it’s gone.

And then something amazing happened…and just like in my dream…I was forced to surrender to what I thought things were, accept things for what they are, and for once be happy for the way things are going.

Besides the fact that I had the best time last night, and the Angels kicked ass, and I soooooo called it that we would get a free Hooters night, I hit a revelation somewhere between the 6th inning, the hottie next to me, and the complete evidence shoved in my face (again not metaphorically) that yes I am on the right track.

I have been getting advice thrown at me left and right the past week. Advice from people I trust and love and believe in. And yet, it only took a moment of pure bliss for me to realize for myself…that I forgot to ask one simple question….what do I want? Forget what others want but what do I want?

So it was asked of me…by a complete stranger, and being that I had had four beers already (I said I was a cheap date but at a ballpark 4 beers equals megabucks people) I spilled the beans. And I realized I had been going about everything all wrong. I paid attention to what wanted me, rather than going after what I really wanted. I felt like a fool for wanting what I wanted. Until, someone else told me what I wanted was, duh, easy and more importantly perfectly acceptable to want. Well it is easy, but for the right person. And I can’t make someone the right person just because I want to. But I realized tonight, as the grand slam made us all nuts, that what I really wanted really does exist in a person and that person will give me butterflies until the day I die.

What is it I said…to this stranger?

I don’t want a guy who tells me I have the best ass ever, or the best eyes ever, or the best smile ever. I want a guy who notices that there are specks of gold in my eyes, who knows my five different smiles based upon my mood, who would memorize with his hand the fact that there are about five freckles and a tattoo on my ass (sorry mom). I want a guy who knows how to touch my stomach and then sees how my breathing gets deeper when he does so, who knows when I am being pleasured I bite my bottom lip, and when I cry my lip quivers. When I laugh my smile is contagious and when I am satisfied my smile is big and my eyes crinkle and when I want something my smile is evil. I want someone who is confident enough to throw me down, who knows what my look of pure satisfaction is, who knows what my look of pure ecstasy is. And I realized something tonight….he exists. I think the key to a great awesome lifetime relationship is someone who is your best friend but also your best lover. Also, someone who grounds you and someone who dreams big with you. Someone who puts in the work to make things work when times get tough, is in it for the long haul, and doesn’t feed you movie scripted lines but rather gives you pure honest uninhibited sexual gratification that shows only when someone knows every inch of your body. Someone who knows that there are five sets of freckle pairs on my body resembling vampire bites…and commits to memory exactly what my body not only looks like naked but feels like naked. If you don’t have that attraction, if you don’t have that pure uninhibited desire…then where else is there to go? It fades with age. Our bodies become older and wrinkled and lines begin to appear everywhere. But, when you have it at the beginning, there is no way you can’t have it at the end…it just gets different.

Whew is it hot in here?

I said that to this stranger…I might have come across rather…um…weird? Hey he didn’t seem to mind.

But there is also more to it, an amazing lover is only part of the equation

What more do I want?

Someone who is willing to break out from the mold of what they grew up in. Someone that knows that even though they are a man, their vulnerability is still a turn on. Their sensitivity is sexy but so is their confidence and manliness. Someone willing to spread their wings further than they thought possible. Who doesn’t settle for what is comfortable but marinates in discomfort to grow. Someone who never lets go of me, even when times get hard. Someone who is athletic and healthy and gives me chills when I look at them. Someone who I can be around in sweats and bad hair and still dress up nice. Someone who knows my weakness, who knows that life is only what you make of it and you don’t step out of the box into the realm of the impossible then you will never succeed. Someone who can handle life’s rough patches and is loyal through thick and thin. Someone dynamic and manly, and athletic and goofy and sexy and funny and quirky. Someone who has passions. Who loves music. Someone who JUST HAS FUN WITH LIFE, who doesn’t take it all so seriously. (well unless it is necessary) Someone who I can help grow just as they can help me grow. Someone who is completely open and honest with me as I am with him. Someone who isn’t afraid to take a risk and to go into the unknown..an unknown lifestyle an unknown city, an unknown dream.

And then we got run number 12…

And I looked up at the sky

And everything I have ever known has lead up to that one moment in my life…call it a vision, call it divine intervention, call it a kick in the ass, call it a wake up call , call it alcohol, call it frisky.

Because, the life I want, the lifestyle I want, the amazing career, the amazing adventure, the healthy kids, the man I want, the lifetime love affair mixed with a lifetime best friend….it all exists. I just had to let go, trust in it, and open my eyes to what awaits me. I had to ask myself what I wanted rather than what I thought I was supposed to want or what someone else ended up not wanting.

I just had to jump.

2006-05-12T13:28:00.000-07:00

Best Quotes EVER - Volume Two - plus some other randomness from a a grl stuck at home

So I have been writing a bunch since I have been so sick…there is only so much movies and internet shopping one can do people! Angels game tonight. I got my whole outfit ready and my date is driving so it is beer time!! Hey if you can’t get rid of a cold at least you can drown it in beer right?

I know with every period of being very uncomfortable comes a period of complete bliss. I also know without discomfort no one can truly grow. No one tones their body without the pain of muscle soreness. No one tones their souls without uncomfortable introspection. But I see what lies past the discomfort, and what is there is more amazing than anything I could have ever imagined my life to be. It is place where everything I thought was impossible to attain, every goal I thought was out of reach, every want I thought I couldn’t have, and every dream I thought wasn’t real ..exists. So bring on the discomfort, because if that is what I get in the end…then who the hell cares about discomfort right now.

OK without anything further here are my Best Quotes EVER – Volume Two.

Normal everyday people sometimes say the best stuff. Whenever someone tells me something I like I usually write it down. So some of you probably said something great and you don’t even know it yet. Some were said to me, some were overheard, all made me smile or laugh or think…mostly all of the above. I can remember quotes that people have said to me from years ago..remember watch what you say to me, I have a good memory ☺

I am keeping these quotes anonymous..but most of you probably remember anyway, if you are the one that said it I mean.

“You can’t spend any amount of time trying to figure out why sewage doesn’t smell like roses”

“You know, you have some flecks of gold in your eyes.”

“Life is meaningless except for the meaning you assign to it, so you might as well assign something good.”

“God gave you a gift. So he is probably going to be pissed off if you don’t use it.”

“I have no time for self destructive people/” - written on a big board at WBR

“Honey, if a man does not make your blood boil and your stomach flip flop when he touches you then what’s the point”? – from an 80 year old

“Who gives a flying rats ass what anyone thinks about me” - there is such a thing as a flying rats ass?

“That’s the cure for everything. Sweat and the Sea”
“What about Sex”?
“I think that falls into the sweat category. You know, unless its boring n stuff”

“You get evidence before proof”

“Well since we are going to have sex now I guess we can talk about this kind of stuff.”

“Decide who you want to be and what you want to do and then never let a day go by where you give up on that. Never settle for what is comfortable. Be willing to get uncomfortable and when you are, you know you are on the right track.”
“Right track to what”?
“Miracles. Being self-actualized. The usual”

“Never settle for anything less than amazing.”

“Don’t fall in love with me or anything ok”?

“You look kinda scary”
“Cute scary”?
“No just scary”

“I don’t mind following the rules as long as they are inconsequential to me.” - Amy is making me giver her credit for this because she says it is fabulous.

2006-05-11T17:43:00.000-07:00

Walk Unafraid. I'll Be Clumsy Instead.

I woke up this morning feeling 100% better. Ok, well 100% better mentally, but not physically. This cold better leave soon so I can get back to my training. The half marathon is in three weeks and that whole weekend is filled with tons of action. But mentally, I felt good and thankful and I knew the lesson I had to learn to a T. Plus whenever I find myself falling back on old questions…I have all the men in my life there giving me a good kick in the ass to take me back to me. How did I get so lucky?

K called to check in and said I sounded like a dead person. Well that made me laugh at least.

I got an ecard from C that is sooo cute and the girl in it is blue because I am talking like a smurf right now

A gave me a good kick in the ass today. He explained recent events from a guy’s way of thinking and it helped me understand a bunch.

B just takes no shit

E is the best brother in the world

Mr. Cool still gives me butterflies

Grandpa once again is right

D needs to feel better too so I send him big kisses

R loves me even when I am sweaty with messy gym hair

N you piss me off because you are always right damnit.

And for the first time in my life I feel I am about to get what I really deserve. And for the first time I think others got what they deserve too, not someone better than me, but someone better for them. I can’t be a feisty firecracker to everyone just like every guy can’t handle being my Mr. Big. I held on because I was afraid to let go of someone who should have just been my friend. And to him – I only wish him happiness because he was better as a friend anyway.

And my options? Enticing. Toe Curling, blood pressure rising, enticing. Because like Carrie said, “accept nothing less..than butterflies”

I am pretty damn lucky right now. I guess I just had to open my eyes and ask myself what I wanted. Well besides for the horrible cold that has kept me in bed for three days :(

2006-05-10T22:50:00.000-07:00

It's a Fine Line Between Chaos and Creation

Mr. Genius at apple was able to save about 95% of my data off of my heard drive. This includes all of my music (Thank you God!!) and I was just sitting here wallowing in my own snot and blotchyness (though I was just told I still look cute but in a very blotchy sick puppy dog way) because this cold I have just wants to totally screw me over, when I realized by saving 95% of my hard drive data Mr. Genius at apple, while transferring my data saw what data I had there. No biggie right? Well I believe Mr. Genius, nerd extraordinaire, talked to me rather nervously on the phone because he saw some data that was meant for only my eyes. I have a file, a Kama Sutra file, that is a PDF version of a modern day Kama Sutra. Geez, I might as well have had puppet porn on there while I was at it (Amy that one is for you!). Poor Mr. Genius.

I believe my computer died when I had that file on there for the same reason I show up at a place that requires valet parking when my car is a mess.

Since I have been stuck at home sick, accepting chicken soup deliveries and whatnot, I have been doing a lot of thinking about what kind of girl I am, what I have learned in life, and what kind of person I want to share me with. I know the best way to grow as a person is to look inward at oneself, figure out what kind of person I was, to attract into my life the kinds of people and circumstances I did, and figure out, through introspection how I can mature and grow. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. So I am taking this time for myself to figure myself out so I don't fall into the insanity trap. Well, if there is one thing I am smart at it is human behavior and what that gives me is an understanding of myself and people except Id rather just focus on myself and become a woman who does not need anything to fulfill her so I can choose what I want in my life just because I want it and not because it fulfills a need. Because no one needs anything.

Besides the raging cold today I feel really good, I had THAT dream again and I woke up saying, “Ok ok I get it I get it…” I believe some dreams are our intuition trying to tell us something. Our intuition is something that knows the answer to everything. We just don’t know how to interpret it sometimes. It was the same guy, same very distinct face though it was a face that would manifest in a few different people. I do know he had intense green eyes, had an athletic build, and a goofy smile. Who he is I have no idea…

In Dustin’s blog (please click on the link to the right and go bug his sexy ass) he summed up what he has learned through his time of self-reflection in two words – I won’t spoil it you can go read it. And while, I don’t think I can sum of what I have learned in two words I can say the biggest thing that has come of everything that has happened to me the past few months is a better understanding of who I am and a knowledge that I am a perfect Rachel, just the way I am. I have gained such a tremendous amount of confidence that I feel like I no longer have to be anything except exactly who I am. The confidence in myself has even shown me that it is ok that sometimes I don’t feel confident (like right now with my damn smurfette voice and blotchy nose!) The confidence has shown me that I can be good and nice sometimes but also sometimes I can be a total brat and manipulate. I can be needy and yet sometimes I want to be alone. I am very feisty and it turns some on and turns some off. (Hey this is why they tell me I am easy to love but not easy to handle) Except when it comes down to it, my well-being is always there and more often than not I am a good woman. I am not more special than anyone but I am not worse than anyone either. No one is better than me and no one is worse than me either. But what I am special at, is being the most perfect Rachel Heather there is. (that is not "perfection" that is the perfect ME) And I would not have it any other way. Like my Guardian Angel said (you know who you are), God gave me gifts and now I just have to use them and have a shit load of fun while I am at it.

So in a way I also learned that not only can I still be a better woman, but rather I already am all that I need to be, and loving myself makes me a better woman.

Told you it was more than two words!

I have learned a lot more but that will have to be saved for another day when I am less drugged up.

In other news…

People tell you things with their actions, rather than their words.

My grandfather is like the wise owl mixed with the yoda – He has never been wrong, its almost weird

I get to see peter Buck at the El Rey on Saturday and have a baseball game Friday night. (and it cost me no money which is good because I just spent 40 freaking dollars a various cold medications) As long as I get better it should be a fun weekend.

I still don’t think I look cute and sexy in the blotchy, snotty, glassy eyed way I am right now but will accept that compliment
( just for you)

I seem to have created much discussion regarding my Penis Post and this makes me happy. A writer always wants discussion and comments on their writing because all writers are attention whores hehe. But I have received verbal and written comments about that Penis post discussing what guys have the biggest penis’ to napoleon complexes to too much information regarding my brother to ..well everything possible. I had no idea it would garner such a reaction but penis discussion has seemed to become a staple in conversation since that post took place. Congrats guys..the wee wee’s are getting attention!

I am so mad about Chris being voted off I think I could scream. He was my Tuesday Orgasm. Such a shame.

I still have yet to figure out how to post a link so what I am going to do is just talk about a blog I like and add the link to the left on the sidebar…cause I am retarded.

And now I must go drink my tea and ponder the better days when I could breathe through my nose.

2006-05-09T21:07:00.000-07:00

Too Much Information – or what happens when you are best friends with the woman married to your brother…and she stops being polite and starts being real..real honest

Sex talk always happens. It is a topic of conversation that is popular with us women. Yes we do discuss penis size. Yes we discuss technique. Yes we talk about what feels good and what gets our blood pumping. Sometimes Amy stops me from going into details because she does not care to know.

However, today she let some things slip and now I think I might be damaged for life. TMI TMI TMI

I don't need to know, I just don't. But, yeah, ....

In other news it looks like my hard drive is DOA and my brother can transfer my ipod songs back on my computer but I have not updated my ipod in a few weeks so if anyone out there has some mp3s they would like to share, let me know. I am lost without my music ☹

Chris once again gives a panty changing performance tonight on American Idol.

My parents are in Hawaii so I have been over here a bit to use their computer, studying and whatnot. Two of my best guy friends are construction workers and electrical contractors and they have been remodeling my parents house a bunch. I decided I needed to feel good for a bit so on went the music and out came the dancing machine.

So who walks in while I am doing this? Oh just them with a couple of their construction worker buddies…

Very nice Rachel…N knows me enough to laugh it off and he is my best friend and has been on vacation with me so he has seen it all, but the others?....*shudder*

I am going to start searching for some good blogs you all should read but I don’t know how to create a link to where you click on it and it takes you to that blog…anyone know how to do that?

2006-05-08T22:10:00.000-07:00

Goodbye Computer. Goodbye Past

My computer died and that topped a pretty shitty 24 hours of my life

I might have lost everything on my hard drive including about 60 gigs of music. (time to help me out in that department dear friends)

I have been incredibly sad today, wishing things were somehow different than they are.

But they are not, and that is a possibility that was made clear to me that can never happen.

I guess sometimes things happen, and it is no ones fault and all we can do is look inward and see how we are responsible for not what happens in life but our reaction to it.

Some react by being sad

Some react by covering up the pain

Some react by being hurtful

I think most everyone does some combo of it all, No one is above it because we are all human.

But life is a little more simple than that. Life happens and every single thing that happens is a creation of our own minds. Our minds create our reality and only through pain can we change. And only through an understanding of how the mind works can we really create the life we want.

So all I can do is look at the past, give it a big hug and a kiss and say goodbye. Because sometimes peoples lives are better without me in it, even if I do love them.

So that’s what I’m doing, time to let go completely with a big kiss and move toward a life I will create for myself and really learn from it all.

And an idea of a future where dreams come true awaits me and when the student is ready, the teacher will appear

So I just have to get ready.

:)

2006-05-07T20:13:00.000-07:00

I Hate LA…But Maybe It Has Some Magic Anyway

So many things happened last night that I am not sure where to even begin. To start, it was M’s birthday and being that M is one of my best friends and I miss hanging with that group of people I felt obliged to go to the club with them even though I am not LA club scene’s biggest fan…

Another reason I wanted to go was a guy I knew but have not seen in almost 3 years was going to be there. This guy, lets call him Mr. Cool is someone who evoked a school girl crush in me back then. He gave me butterflies, he turned me into a babbling bunch of nonsense and I probably looked at him with eyes of wonder and awe that were completely obvious and yet I didn’t care. Mr. Cool was going to be there and I had to see if he was the same Mr. Cool or if I just grew up and he became some regular Joe I could care less about…

Anyways, the night started out with dinner and drinks at Bridge. Bridge is the type of restaurant where they probably spend way too much on lighting so they have to charge double the price for Pizza that I could get anywhere for 5 bucks. Bridge is the type of place where The Rock was sitting to the left of us and Kato Kalin and posse were to the right. The main dishes are the size of a quarter. We then headed to Cabana Club to indulge in more drinking and dancing. I walked in and immediately remembered why I dislike the LA club scene so much. All posers, all fake, not a good conversation in sight.

So I decided to just have fun with it and play some games.

The first game was with us girls which (ok you are all going to think we are mean but if you saw these guys you would understand) we would “spot the hottie” real em in and see who how many drinks we could get bought for us.

And I couldn’t find Mr. Cool… so I had to self entertain

I met a guy who was wearing jeans that, have to admit make his ass look good, but his black tight shirt was incrusted with some silver weird stuff and when he asked for my number I replied, “Aren’t you gay” – I didn’t see him again

Another guy proceeded to take out his digital camera and show me his before, after, and in process photos of his body since he had hired a personnel trainer. – I took the beer he bought me and walked away

I headed to the dance floor with some of the girls and just had the best time.

But, Mr. Cool hadn’t shown up…

I just tossed it in the wind and let myself have a good time with my friends when I got a tap on my shoulder.

“Well hello there”
The room lit up. His charisma and dynamic personality were still impossible to ignore. And, once again I got that sinking feeling in my stomach and nervousness settled in. Was my hair ok? Is my shirt in place?

“So you finally decided to show up”

“Well I couldn’t miss M’s birthday.”

“You missed me accuse a metro of being gay,” oh Rachel you could come up with something better than that!

He cracked a laugh, “hungry”?

“Starved”

We end up at Jerry’s deli where we remained until 5:30 AM. The group of people I was with followed suit and what it turned out to be was the best part of the night. No clubs, no fake, no posers, just me and my friends and Mr. Cool giving me butterflies in my stomach.

“So do you consider this a date”? He asked

“I don’t do dates at 4:00AM”

“Would you go on a date with me?”

Ouch. Swallowed. Coffee. Too. Fast.

“Probably not” I am such an idiot.

“Why”?

Oh because you are too perfect. Because you are this ideal and maybe you will see through me and see I am just a normal girl with normal needs and I am not as cool as you Mr. Cool because I am everywhere except when you talk to me I turn into a babbling nervous teenager and I am afraid to like you because then I will really like you and you might see me cry one day and…I have no idea why you make me giddy and yet nervous at the same time

But instead I say, “Well I want to be single right now. I need clarity on life by myself first. I don’t want to jump into anything too serious yet.”

“Well ain’t that a shame”

He gets up and, after paying, gives me a kiss on the cheek.

I had to have turned beet red.

“Don’t be a stranger” he said as he walked out the door and into the night.

For the next hour I sat laughing and talking with my friends, enjoying life and, well sobering up. A couple of them thought I was a right idiot for not dating Mr. Cool, but they don’t get it. I want to be comfortable with myself alone before I can be comfortable with a guy like him. But, all it takes to bring back those butterflies is knowing there are Mr. Cools out there, some of which I know, looking for a girl just like me. And for now that is all I need.

I drove home at sunrise, smiling…

Maybe LA has some magic left in it after all

2006-05-05T16:08:00.000-07:00

Write about what you like about Republican and conservative men!

With writers block settling in today I do what I normally do and talk to friends, family and loved ones and ask them to shout out a topic they think might be interesting…

Well that in itself was interesting

The question was always the same, “Give me a topic to write about”

The answers, however, were quite different.

“How about you don’t write about men, relationships or sex so you don’t get any more stalkers”?

“I think you should write about how your damn dog peed on my leg and I had to go buy doggie diapers for him”?!?!

“I think you should write about why you like politically conservative men and not liberals and why they make better lovers”

“Two words. bulgarian philanthropists”

“Sitting next to a guy on an airplane whose breath reeks of cheese”

“Why you love Aruba so damn much.”

“Cubans swimming into the Bermuda triangle” wtf

“A surprise drug test for a kindergarten teacher.”

“How you really feel about Tom Cruise”

“Why all you women are weird” - that would take a year
“What you want in a guy” – did that

“Why you like juicy jeans”

“ Write about a few of your favorite things”

“I’ll take another topic of you dancing in your living room.”

“Write about how much of a dork you are”

Well that is a good start, any other ideas?

I have my 12 mile run tomorrow and M's birthday party tomorrow night. It is at some big giant club in LA and while I like more of the laid back, play good music type of places, M's birthday means she decides and we follow. I will probably get some interesting topics to write about out of that at least. Stay tuned!

2006-05-03T11:04:00.000-07:00

Let's Imitate Reality...Insanity

In the span of a day and a half I have managed to have a make out session with a musician, a bad (but the good kind of bad) dream about another guy, talked to my past for the first time, been told I should come with a warning label, been propositioned, been told I cause guys to make false assumptions and am a tease, been lusted after, planned on a date with a writer, pissed off a few and made another proud of me,

Are we feeling the love? Oh hell yeah.

All you men make absolutely no sense whatsoever. But I tell you right now, you sure make life a whole lotta fun. I can make all of you men mad and happy and horny and insane but the bottom line is this world would be quite boring without all of you. Is one of you out there in this universe capable of keeping up with me? Of understanding me? Of noticing that when I bite my bottom lip or touch my stomach it means I am in the mood? Of knowing what music turns me on? Of loving the fact that I like to dance in my panties and laugh at the world? Is one of you out there capable of being my team? I know one of you is able and capable and willing to keep up with me physically, mentally, sexually, intellectually, and sexually (did I say that twice? Oopsies). I know of one of you will dream with me and yet ground me at the same time. I know one of you will call me out when I am being too cocky but comment on my ass anyway. The options are enticing, some are here just to make me believe it, cause now I finally do, and some are here to lead me into temptation. The bad bad dreams make me giggle. And until I know, life has gotten a whole lot more fun while I figure it out.

For those of you about to rock...I salute you.

2006-05-02T13:04:00.000-07:00

Busy Times Ahead

So last night I went to some big house in the middle of nowhere, where K’s friend’s studio is built under the big house and around the corner. If I were in a horror movie, it would have been my last call. The night turned out quite fun though. Besides my stint watching a cool band record a radio show I have never actually watched someone record a song and I was very interested in the process. K let me sit in the room and got me hooked up to some headphones. He gets very very emotional when he is recording..and quite bossy HAHA. Recording vocals is a lot harder than I thought. It must be like making a movie..take after take after take. But all in all it was a good time and I am glad I got to visit an old friend. I kissed K goodnight, came home and then proceeded to keep another guy up until 2:00 because apparently I can’t shut up. Plus those of you that know me know my, “just five more minutes” rule…gets em every time.

I have today off of work because I am meeting with my academic advisor to discuss my changing of major. Meanwhile I am mapping out my road trip up the coast and fantasizing very bad bad things. If anyone has any stops they think I should make on my trek up the coast of California, let me know. I am excited to visit my friends in San Fran and drink wine and well beer too.

The next few weekends are going to be crazy busy so I am trying to enjoy as much downtime as possible until then. The rest of May looks like a circus. I will just have to sleep later.
On a side note, there are about 100 of you that read this a day…comment you bastards!!

2006-05-01T10:57:00.000-07:00

The Male Power Source

“Hey , I don’t know what write about today, give me something to write about.”

“Penis”

“Well, I mean a good topic to write about”

“Penis”

“You want me to write about your penis”?

“Penis”

Well….ummm….ok then

I guess today’s topic of discussion is the penis.

*Dear Lord*

Only 7% of men in this world have their tips snipped. Most American women don’t realize this because most American men have it done. However, beware of vacations in Greece with your girlfriends because that fling with that hot guy might turn into the Sharpe buffet.

I have to wonder how so many men know how many inches long their penis is while hard. Do they sit in their bathrooms, get turned on and actually measure it with a ruler?

When a little boy is about five years old one might catch him pulling down his pants at an unsuspecting girl and shaking his wee wee while laughing at the fact that is he has an extension that moves. What many don’t realize is that 30 year old men do the same thing to their wives.

Why do so many men think with their little heads rather than their big heads? And no I am not calling it little, but unless you are Ron J. it probably is not as big as the head you have on top.

Men think about sex on average about every 4 minutes. This means you are thinking about sex at one time or another while reading this blog. Who were you thinking about? You dirty thing you!

The Average length of an erect penis is 6.14 inches (give or take depending on the study). The Average size if a normal dildo is roughly about 8 inches.

Some swear that pineapple will make the taste of semen better but studies have shown that it cannot alter the direct of taste of semen but rather a diet that is rich in protein, good fasts like Omega 3’s and fruit will help keep a guys body healthy and therefore have a less sour taste.
I asked a guy why they like girls to swallow…his answer
“Because Kleenex is too expensive”

Why do men have no problem adjusting in public? If girls grabbed at our thong underwear in public we would be looked at funny. A guy doing it around other guys, in a bar or on a baseball field is normal.

Men use their power of the penis as a direct form if exerting control. Women use their assets as a form of indirect power and therefore rule over the penis….and consequently the world.

The male hormone testosterone is what causes sex drive. Scary rides and scary movies, as well as exciting things and anything that produces endorphins also increase the testosterone levels of a female. This is why if you take a woman to a scary movie, an amusement park, or a sport activity on the first date, you are more likely to get a second date.

If a girl knows how to use her power over the penis, it can be her best friend…or her worst enemy.

When I first started dating my grandfathers one piece of advice to me about men was, “Men are like Bulls, grab ‘em by the balls and the rest will follow.”

Please let me know what you think about the penis. Anything you would like to add? Please leave in the comment section below.

Have a good day. :)

2006-04-30T19:22:00.000-07:00

The Magic of Making Music

Tomorrow, my friend K is in town so I get to head over and witness what happens in a recording studio. What I will witness, I have not a clue. But, it is always so fun to watch the magic of making music take place.

I am always interested in how music comes from just an idea, through the roads and on to an actual cd. (Or vinyl you music snobs!) Whenever I see a musician I really enjoy just sit at a piano or pick up a guitar and improv I am amazed. I guess I am amazed the same way an author goes from an idea to the final edits of a novel. It is the process that seduces me. I guess so many things go into making a piece of art and I am fascinated about all the aspects. How does one construct a song? And a good song at that. How does someone go from an outline of something to a body and then to a final product? Anyways, it will be cool to see the process, hang out, see old friends and have a few drinks.

IN similar aspects, I think some people, whether a musician or a DJ have the ear for making music, or arranging it to their liking. Many people have a good ear for music and many dancers or people who move to music have a good ear to body understanding of music. But, not many people can sit and write some very beautiful unique piece of music and make an idea a reality that way.

For that, I give my respects to all musicians, DJ’s, dancers, composers, and even the guys who put music to soundtracks. Because, it makes life a lot more beautiful, and without it what fun would life be?

Some of my favorite memories involve concerts, or just dancing to music, or just sitting around playing music. I love learning new music and besides what is sexier than a guy with a guitar or a microphone? Who doesn’t have a sexy rock star fantasy?

2006-04-27T23:23:00.000-07:00

Jealousy of the animals

So my other animals got all huffy and puffy because I showed King Boris to the world so I promised them I would show you all the pretty ladies

This is Nala. She is a bitch....but in a good way. She hits you if you stop petting her and growls if you dont give her attention.

The one on the left is Sugar (Boris as you know is the Pug). Me and Lauren rescued Sugar from the pound one day while ditching school. She was on death row and we saved her. She is the sweetest dog annd does nothing but love.

And here are Collie and Pity. They make a cute couple don't they?

and for some reason that picture won't upload. Dustin...picture guru....why is that?

All my animals still live at my parents house but I get visitation. :)

I figure now that I know how to do this picture thing (except the kitty picture ugghhhh) I should probably show who my cast in my life is.

More later...I am injured....and need to rest up tonight for my busy weekend

2006-04-26T12:35:00.000-07:00

How do we know what is bragging to Impress...or Joking to disarm?

A little bit more of what I don’t want…

Please don’t brag about your assets..it only makes me think you have a small wee wee

Please don’t brag about your abilities with women…it only makes me think you have none.

The world of dating really gives me a lot to write about. LOL

I was having a discussion the other day with Amy about the big differences in guys who are overtly confident and silently confident. The silently confident guy just walks with this aura that he may know his faults, but he accepts them completely. He has this thing about him where he has no need to tell anyone the good stuff about himself because he has nothing to prove…he knows it already. The quiet confident guy makes others feel more confident around him. The overtly confident guy makes others feel inferior. The overtly confident guy makes others think he is fake or insecure or trying to hide something. The quiet confident guy is not in it for the chase. He knows what he wants and just gets it. The quiet confident guy has an air of mystery..like you are not so sure what he is thinking. The quiet confident does not brag and acts with humility rather than insecurity. He shows his worth rather than speaks it. He is sexy but in an understated way. He is sexual but does not collect notches on the bed post just because.

I have had a recurring dream since I was little that I was being followed by a guy like this. He did not speak once but he was so powerful. I think guys like that have power without words and maybe that is the greatest power of all. I tend to think it is those quietly confident guys, whose wit is accidental, whose ability to impress is not based on words and whose actions express the aura of, “I am not perfect but I like myself just fine.” That really gets us girls’ blood flowing.

It is really funny and quite astonishing to read people when you really listen to what they have to say below the surface. When you learn how to see through the words, the real guy comes out.

I think when I feel most insecure of myself is when I say the most about my assets. Is it because I am saying it out loud so I can try to believe it myself? Maybe. Is it because I am trying to prove my worth? Maybe so. Maybe it is to try to mask the insecurity, afraid people might find out I am just Rachel. There is nothing superior about me and nothing about me makes me more special than anyone else. When I am comfortable with that, I find myself not really caring about proving myself or impressing others. I don’t have to brag and I don’t have to point out my assets. But on those days where I am feeling a little less of myself, when that precious ego has taken over….and I become like those guys that so terribly turn me off.

There are other times though where I make jokes. I am not sure where this comes from. It is not to brag but more to test or get a rise out of a guy. I like to see peoples reactions. On these days I think I am just more of a ME than anything else, but I can see how it can come across as bragging. Maybe the difference is when someone is just being playful they might say it with a playful tone to their voice.

So my question is…how do we know if someone is joking, bragging, or just saying exactly what it is they feel? How do we know if they are playing a fun teasy game or honestly trying to impress you but rather turning you off? Words are so powerful if used correctly. Maybe it is all in how we interpret things. I am interested on all your takes on this (all 40 readers anyway). How do you see if a guy (or girl) is being playful and light hearted, or bragging, or overtly annoyingly over confident?

2006-04-25T21:37:00.000-07:00

Best Lines EVER...please give me some you have heard :)

...this is what I do when I should be studying :)

Best Lines EVER

Disclaimer – if you said one of these lines..this is not meant to offend, it is meant to show you how all seriously weird we all are

“My therapist told me I need to go see a psychic” – How LA

“ I want to taste you but I bet your lips are venomous.” – are we Alice Cooper now?

“Chris was so good tonight Rach.”
“Really”?
“Yeah you will ORGASM”!!! – Because apparently all good singers make me wet myself – and not by peeing.

(edit to add – ok you were right. I just watched him. I now have to go change panties)

“Yeah Rachel was a really wild rebelous child” – to my boss…thanks a lot

“You are a fucktard” – and a new word is born and spreads like wildifre

“Spirit is losing patience with you.” – Really? Spirit is? So that’s why Spirit caused a bird to attack?

“I heart you Muffin.” – because the person who said this is the bestest

“How’s the Bazoom”? – The dog is doing fine.

“I made that ass.” – Yes you did sweet cheeks

“Do you have a small wee wee”? – Because tact is not something I posess

“ I have this weird feeling I am going to win the lottery one day” – don’t we all.

“Why do I always get butterflies in my stomach when I see a hot guy with a great ass”?
“Because he is a hot guy with a great ass…that’d be my best guess.”

“You are so full of crap”
“Of course I am full of crap. I am a fucktard” – At least he admits it.

“They could build monuments to your self centerdness” - perfect.

2006-04-25T12:38:00.000-07:00

Possible Jobs

So I finally figured out how to upload pictures to my blog…turns out all you have to do is lick this little icon button and press “upload” humph. Yes I am retarded…

New developments on the job front are on the horizon and I am finding myself with tons of advice from people about what they think I should do.

I have heard…

You should be a Pilates instructor…you can make you own hours, the pay is good, and you are great at it because you are a dancer.

You should just bite the bullet and be a writer…but get a good editor since your spelling sucks

I think you should be a psychologist or counselor.

Screw it all…marry rich, have babies and spend your days looking pretty

Wait until your brother becomes vice president and then demand nepotism and get a job discovering new bands to where you will single handily change the music industry from the crap it is to a magnificent cup of tea.

You should become an Angel Girl. Because, then you will get to have fun, get paid, and get me free tickets.

Well I still have no idea what I am going to do. All my options sound pretty appealing to me!

Maybe I will just do it all. I will audition for the Angels for now, get my pilates certification, graduate school, get married, have kids, go work for the music empire that by then my brother will have taken over, discover new bands, (or maybe just continue my band aid status and be the token fun sibling and dress up as furry animals and dance on stage) and then write a book about it.

Has that been done?

2006-04-24T18:24:00.000-07:00

This is just a test.

This is King Boris

2006-04-23T15:18:00.000-07:00

I Have Always Been Addicted To Moving..in One Way or Another

So I did my 10-mile run on Saturday. People must think I am nuts to be training for this marathon thing but I am not sure anyone understands how running actually makes me feel.

Ok yes there are the swollen feet and the feeling that for the rest of the day after a long run you just want to lie on the sofa and do nothing. And it hurts. After a certain amount of time your legs begin to feel like Jell-O. My arches hurt from years of dancing and now the pounding they are taking is making them sore. Also, when you run that long the sweat on your body evaporates from the wind and you are left with grainy salt all over your body. Hey it is natural exfoliation!!

But then there are the good things. The incredible high that fills your whole body and whole mind. This feeling of euphoria that lasts all day, It gets your blood going and, hate to say it, but it makes me rather randy.

When I was dancer, and this was in the later years of my dancing obviously not when I was five, I would love my body while I was dancing. The practicing is never attractive. You are sweaty and red. There are scrapes and blisters. There is no makeup and the hair is a mess. But while I was dancing I never felt sexier. I never felt so in tune with my body and how it moved. Now that I don’t dance anymore (except in the comforts of my living room) I needed another way to move my body to get that feeling again.

Enter running. I get that same feeling. So no matter how much it hurts I am now addicted to it. I will never be a professional dancer or compete ever again. But that dancer blood has always been in me. And with that comes the insatiable need to move and to feel my body moving.

Plus, I think it is pointing me in the direction of where I want to go. I am literally running towards a goal I never knew I had. I am not sure I have ever felt better about myself.

My old dance teacher used to say there were two types of people in the world. There were those that listened to music and could see in their minds the movements of the body to go with it. They could actually feel the movement in the music. Whenever I hear a song, no matter what it is or where I am I can still feel that movement and often times (which gets quite embarrassing in my car) I move right along with it. Then there are those that don’t. There are people that are born to dance and even if you stop along the way, dancing is always there. Maybe dancers are just of another species.

And now? Now the music of running is the steady beat that my breathing makes. The sound of my environment around me begins to make music. And, on the days I use my Ipod, running will never stop me from shaking my tush…just a little.

2006-04-21T10:58:00.000-07:00

It's Friday Morning, the Sun is Not Out Yet

In Sex in the City Carrie says, “But the most important relationship you have in life is the one you have with yourself. And if you can kind someone to love the one you love…well that’s just fabulous.” Damn I love Carrie.

That show is so funny how sooo many women relate their lives to it. We identify with parts of each character’s personality. We either love the Aiden or the Big. You hear women saying, “well Aiden was the perfect guy but he didn’t challenge her. Big is not perfect but he is perfect for her.”

Or..

“Well I am a mix between Carrie and Miranda.”

Or

Well you get the idea…

I was not feeling particularly good yesterday. TOM came to town, my tummy hurt and it needed rubbing, and the pity party had requested a table for one.

I wasn’t me.

And someone knocked me back to me.

He said, “Rach…you are being a whiner. You are being a bratty whiner You are a smart, beautiful feisty bratty girl…just have fun with that for the time you are here.”

Boy was I humbled. He was right. I am still very blessed in my life. I have been blessed with so much. And everyday more blessings have been entering my life. Big huge blessings! (I call this the three squeeze rule. That I will explain later.) And one thing happens that makes me confused and then Tom comes to visit and I am a mess. Damn I hate woman hormones. But I am still that girl that is loved and has been loved, nothings changed. And why not have fun with it? At least have fun with it when TOM leaves.

For you men out there, let me explain what TOM does…

You feel a million pounds fatter and your tummy sticks out. The smallest thing makes you cry. You are crampy and are probably pooping a lot too. It is the one day where being a woman just sucks.

But I am still the feisty beautiful person I always have been. No one can change that.

Well then he said I was cocky. That brat.

2006-04-20T08:34:00.000-07:00

The Office Is Empty This Morning

OK we all do weird shit when we in the privacy of our own company.

Carrie Bradshaw called this “Secret Single Behavior” stuff she would never do in front of Big (now that they ended up together in the last episode I imagine she now waits until he is away at work).

We all do it. For Carrie it was eating saltines standing up while reading Vogue. For Charlotte it was studying her pours in the mirror. Miranda put Vaseline on her hands put them in manicure softening gloves and watched the cooking channels, and Samantha claimed she had none.

So my SSB usually involves dancing around the living room to sexy dance music. Who knows why but I just like doing it. I remember dances and do those as well. My most recent dance is the strip dance Mimi does in Rent and I even have the ruffled Brazilian shorts to dance with.

My other SSB involves reading really cheesy “chick lit” and even tearing up at the end when the heroine always lands the guy of her dreams…awwwww

My other SSB involves taking an obscene amount of time in the shower, exfoliating with some weird ginger salt scrub, shaving every last hair off my entire lower body (uh yeah), and then using my most precious lotions and face masks while wearing my very special terry cloth bathrobe complete with matching slippers.

SSB behavior is meant for when you are alone. For all you married folks out there, I know you have SSB that you save for those special times when your hubby is away on business or when the wife is out with the girls. Don’t be ashamed, tell me what it is.

So anyway, last night, I engaged in some SSB of the dancing around in my underwear pretending to be an exotic dancer variety. This was not known to me, but my blinds were not shut all the way. I live on the first floor, my patio faces a courtyard where the pool is and traffic can be heavy out there. I hear some laughing. It is gay (or just smart) neighbor walking his puppy.

AM I supposed to run out there and explain I am not some nutty person but just rather doing my ritual SSB? He won’t understand. How can he not understand he is gay! (or smart)

Embarrassment consumes me and I run over and pull the blinds completely shut. I throw on my PJ pants and sulk down onto the sofa where I watch tivo and chat until it is time for bed.

SSB is only meant for your eyes.

Oh the shame

In other thoughts on this beautiful Thursday morning when I am alone in the office...

I really hate the fact that I have grown obsessed with baseball. Why you ask? Well I get really sad when my team plays really bad and loses. I take it personally. LIke they were trying to piss me off. And damnit, they really tried to piss me off. Was it because I was not there? When they play well I get giddy. When they suck balls (literally) I get kinda down. Dear Lord what is happening to me. I have become the girl that can go to every home game possible and be happy. Oh dear

I love the fact that Tom Cruise is all about being the best dad EVER and yet the night his girlfriend gave birth he left her side to go talk about it on the news....freaking priceless

My neighbors dog is the most precious new puppy I have ever seen. It is the exact dog I want. A little Yorkie who thinks he is big. My dog is going to be a boy and he will be so handsome. I will dress him a baseball jersey or maybe a rally monkey costume. I once was a game where this couples baby was dressed as a rally monkey. I think it might have been the cutest thing I have ever seen. So that is what I will do with my new puppy.

I have no idea what my future holds. And I miss my past and my best friend. But, my present is looking very bright...weird things are happening. But, good weird things. I guess that is all anyone can hope for. A good present. Well also a good present that comes in a box with a bow is nice too. I really like blue boxes. Little blue boxes that are always wrapped with a simple white ribbon...yummm

2006-04-19T10:32:00.000-07:00

Random Musings when I want to be at the beach instead of at work

Online “windows” shopping is just so depressing. The entire world of fashion and music is at your fingertips. All it takes is a click of a button and the worlds riches can be delivered to your door step addressed to you as if to say, “here you go Rachel, a gift from the heavens…until you get your bill that is.”

What beautiful fabrics are out there. New books and CDs and DVDs are coming out everyday. It is materialism at its best. You don’t have to go anywhere. You have access to all stores from the comforts of your sofa, or your desk and even your bathroom if you have a laptop. (ok like no one does that pahlease)

The Internet is a funny place. It invites you into others worlds. You can check up on dates before you actually go out on a date with them. You can have the worlds consumer products at your feet for your salivating pleasure. You can see websites and pages people make that will exist long after they don’t exist anymore. It immortalized not just a product, but a human being as well.

It is so odd what the internet has become. Has it paralyzed us to have any sort of mystery? Has it caused us all to make ourselves a defined product? Has it caused people to lose any tact because who needs tact when you are not saying something face to face?

Good Example

I received an email the other day from a male. It read (and I quote)

“HI, I wanted to ask you what you thought the best way a guy can ask a girl for a blowjob because I want to ask you for one but don’t want to sound rude. Serious question. Thanks.”

Would any guy say this to my face…drunk at a bar maybe but in most circumstances I think not.

I really have no point to this, it is slow at work and I would rather be at the beach in my new hot swimsuit but I am here, in a week where work is so slow, the boss is out of town, and I think she should have just given us all the week off!

I was just thinking about this and thinking about other stuff like how sick it is that Tom Cruise wants to eat his baby’s placenta (helloooo can someone say SICK) and how I got four honks while I was running yesterday and I still have not made my decision about New York and I have a zit on my forehead that makes me look like I have one of those Bindi things (is that the right word) and that my new neighbor has a yorkie puppy which means he is either gay or just very smart. I am not sure yet. But I am in love with his puppy. I was just thinking how this beautiful sunny day reminded me of a baseball game I went to last season where the warmth of the sun on my skin felt so good. And I drank a cold drink and just sat there and it was like the funnest day in the whole wide world EVER. It is funny what sun does? Does it make everything seem brighter?

Maybe that is the problem with the Internet…it is not sunny in there.

2006-04-17T20:40:00.000-07:00

A Funny Thing Happens…(and this is the last post on my acceptance topic I promise...for now)

When you look inward as the cause of life’s problems instead of outward – it becomes freeing because you can actually control the problem. So when you focus on yourself, anger falls away toward anything because you know you had everything to do with anything.

When you begin to accept yourself for exactly what you are and stop trying to be someone you are not – an inner calm envelops you and you realize nothing needs to be different about you to be happy in life.

It makes me so sad to see anyone I love trying to be something different because they think something is wrong with them. I know how lonely and how depressing it feels. Because I used to be like that.

When I was growing up I always thought I had to be something better to be worthy someday. I had to be prettier, I had to be smarter, I had to be more responsible and not procrastinate as much.

But if we really look at ourselves we will see that fighting what we naturally are is a lot more depressing than actually being what we really are.

Our strengths are our weaknesses. And our weaknesses are our strengths. We can use what we have to our advantage as soon as we realize that we don’t have to be someone different.

A lot of people we don’t like we are jealous of because we think they have something we want. I used to not like this girl at work. But I saw that she was so together, so organized, so responsible and I found that she bothered me because I was jealous of her. Yet when I began (and I say began because I am not there yet) to accept myself then she stopped bothering me.

I have another friend who is considered a people pleaser. She is always willing to help, goes above and beyond. I used to tell her, Well S maybe if you said no sometimes then people would respect you more. I was wrong. The fact is she could be a people pleaser all she wanted because it was her natural personality. But to be respected more all she had to do was respect and accept herself, which she didn’t.

I have qualities that are unique to me and make me special. But so does everyone and so do everyone reading this.

There is no need to be anything different, do anything different or fight who you actually are. It makes me so sad to see friends doing this and it makes me sad when I do it too. It makes us so lost, trying to be something we are not. I am reminded of a quote from a great movie, “Saved.”

“If God wanted us to be the same why would he make us so different.”

Me and my sister-in-law have been discussing this a lot because we are both in a crossroads on our future career goals and it is causing us to think a lot about what our natural abilities are.

The fact is, my brother has strengths that I will never have. But I have strengths he will never have. And that is ok. And I think it took me 24 years to realize that. I was always so jealous of his brainpower. Of his drive. Of his ability to do so well and succeed in his career so fast and so easy. But then I realized there were things about me he envied. He wishes he could understand people better and relate to them more. He wishes he could be more natural in a social situation and read people more. The grass is always greener.

So if the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence then what color is the fence?

Rosy!!

Some of my co- workers think I should be a social worker or a nutritionist (hey just because I give advice on food intake does not mean I want to do it for a living!)

I do know I will probably never fit in the big huge corporate setting (unless it is a very creative laid back environment) and I am beginning to think that is ok.

I do know my sister in law will probably never be good at waking up on time – but its ok.

I know my brother will always have problems relating to people on their level and not his and he probably will come across as an ass to some people who don’t get it (ugghh except when he is an ass to me because then it is totally his fault and he sucks and is just an ass) – but its ok.

All human beings are pretty much the same thing with different paths of going about it. Everyone is the same species whose biggest goal in life is happiness. Know this and you can know everyone. Everyone has a want that represents happiness and people will tell you what that want is verbally, indirectly and non verbally.

I know I have been talking about this a lot lately and it is because it is interesting me sooooooo much. I promise to stop boring you all with it once I write it all out of my system.

But for now a little something off topic –

The very first picture of Katie Holmes has doctors estimating her to be at about 4-5 months pregnant. This was in October (beginning of) there is no way she was 2 months pregnant because a woman never shows until at least month three. However she was showing pretty good (you gossip hounds remember this as the blue silky shirt on the soccer field with Tom Boy) which would mean that she was probably in month 4 at the least but 5 probable. However if she was the rare case that shows that much at month three that would put her at month 10 right now!! And the more probably four months and that means she is at month 11. WEIRD. Ok people you all have to admit it is weird. It is an alien baby!!!!

I was in LA this weekend and was just shocked at the fact that parts of LA (i.e. the parts you see while driving on the 101) are beginning to look like a third world country. I even saw SHACKS!! What was even sadder was Hollywood blvd. I saw pictures of ole Hollywood, all glamorous and beautiful. And now I find myself looking at a closed eatery that my dads best friend’s mom used to run over 40 years ago and hearing what my dad describes as the old LA and it is just so so so sad. I went, because of my profound need to know everything, into the scientology center for some “info” (i.e. to investigate) that will have to take up a whole other post.

Amy was telling me that Natasha (her dog) was a bratty girl because she would go up to male dogs in the street and shove her ass in their face and they would sniff and feel her up and then she would turn around and bite their face.

Amy has one smart girl as a dog.

So I tell Amy well that’s what girls do we shake our butts in the guys face and then run away and play all coy and hard to get (come on girls you know you all have done this, why do you think girl against boy tag was invented!)

My aunt is coming home from the hospital today. It is scary to think about what is going on. It is scary to see a family member give up. I think when people give up on life it is because they feel they have nothing to live for. And being that the only thing there is to live for is to love and be loved I have to wonder if she doesn’t feel love. She is loved. People are just frustrated with the giving up. What a paradox. Maybe people just get sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time?
I feel kind of numb about what is going on here so all I can do is remain optimistic, even if it doesn’t make sense to do so.

It is almost bedtime for me – 4:00 AM wake up call.

But one thought I would like to leave you all with on this beautiful Monday evening…

Don't listen to that guy. He's trying to lead you down the path of righteousness. I'm gonna lead you down the path that rocks.
- Emperor's New Groove

Play Ball

2006-04-15T22:11:00.000-07:00

There’s a fine line between Narcissism and Arrogance

…..an ongoing spluttering of ideas that I am not even sure make any sense…so pardon the confusion ;)

When I say we are all narcissistic it is meant to show that humans in general are a self-centered species. We had to be in the olden days, as a survival mechanism. There is probably only one relationship in where someone is completely selfless and that is the relationship between a mother and a child.

I mentioned that it was a good thing to own ones narcissism as well as their insecurities. But there is a point that has to be made; there is a big difference between being confident and being arrogant.

Here is an example:

Confidence – “I am hot”

Arrogance – “I am hotter than you.”

Confidence – “I am smart”

Arrogance – “I am smarter than you.”

Arrogance is just insecurity in a different mask. When somebody feels they have to “one up” people, outdo people, and remind people that they are better they are just overcompensating for their insecurity.

Here in lies the basic foundational secret in forming successful human relations. People don’t like you based upon what you have done in life, who you know, how successful you are, or how much money you have. People like you based upon how you make them feel. Make someone feel good and you will never be forgotten. Spend the entire time shouting from the rooftops about the great job you have, how smart you are, how special you are and you will get nowhere. Why should this be important? After all who cares what people think right? There is the other balance. You should not care what people think, but you shouldn’t alienate people either. The right people will love you no matter what, even if you are arrogant. But, wouldn’t you want to make those you love and who love you feel good? That is the difference.

Arrogance is like a mask of false perfection. And, like I said before, no one likes the hero to be perfect. Then again no one likes someone who is around him or her where all they talk about what is wrong with him or her. Balance.

For the guys who read this – that is why when you try to impress a girl with “I’m so great” stories your chances of a second date dwindle.

It is a delicate balance - to believe in your worth enough and be humble enough. To know your value and love yourself but to maintain that you are not better than anyone.

This is why I wrote about being ok about being narcissistic and insecure. You need to find the balance of both. Go too far one way and you become this pity party table for one. Go the other way and people wont be able to relate to you and you will alienate.

I am reminded of one of my all time favorite poems by Kipling.

…” If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings -nor lose the common touch,”

Spend a few minutes a day making people you love feel special and feel good. You would be surprised how far a sincere compliment goes. This is why successful bosses take time to give positive feedback, happy employees like their jobs and those that like their jobs do better. If you want to make a guy feel special, ask him about something you know nothing about. Admit you know nothing about it. Make him feel good about knowing something you don’t.

The truly sexy person tells others they are sexy and believes they are too.

The very unsexy person tells everyone how sexy THEY are and never tells anyone they are.

So how do we find this balance?

Once we start seeing ourselves are perfectly imperfect humans, all different yet all the same. And, we own everything about us good and bad and love ourselves no matter what. That is when the balance naturally comes because we will see others that way as well.

Easy to say, but not easy to do. Yet sometimes the things that seem so hard only take one flip of a switch.

Stay Tuned Next Week for an essay on the virtures of baseball and disneyland - and why both are essential for survival :)

2006-04-13T23:10:00.000-07:00

Strengths and Weakness. Doing What You Love

I love my boss. I really love my boss. She is the type of woman who would never belittle. She gives feedback without making you feel like shit. She will give constructive criticism but at the same time discuss your strengths.

She buys me this book called “First Break All The Rules, Now Discover Your Strengths” And brings me into her office to discuss my strengths and weaknesses in my job.

See this is my first real office type job. I was a dance teacher for almost 8 years. Then when I worked at the Corporate Office of Hot Topic, it was very micro managed and structured. I knew what I had to do each and every minute. This is the first job where I actually have responsibilities that lie solely on me. So I have learned a lot.

So my boss brings me into her office because we have not had a one on one (she likes those) in a few months and she asks me if having this job has made me sway one way or another on what I want to do. She says it in a way where I can be honest.

I tell her I have learned so much and feel I am getting better at what we both know are my weakness (effective time management, follow up, normal office type stuff).

She tells me that she knows I am but the strengths she sees in me she does not see in an office type setting when it comes to picking a career.

“Let me start by telling you that everyone loves you here. You fit in well. You get along with everyone. I notice strengths in you that I only see in one in a million people. Now tell me what is it that you love.”

So I tell her.

“Do you know what I love? Do you know what I love to do? I love to sit here and create strategic management grids. When I do that time just flies by. You see if you have a job you love, time flies by. You are an amazing talker. You are amazing with people. You are an amazing writer. I have to wonder if you majored in communications because you thought that is what it was. You know this job is just a part time job you have while you are in school. We love you at this job but we both know you don’t want to be an admin assistant and when I see your strengths I don’t see you in this setting after school either”

I swear, her honesty is so refreshing. When she says this to me she is talking to me like a mentor, not a boss. She is saying this because she wants to see me graduate with an idea of what I want. I do well at my job, but it is defiantly not my strength.

“To tell you the truth L, I have been at a cross roads. I have learned so much in this job. This is my first big office job working with people with college degrees and I had notice that Marketing is more like business than anything. I have been thinking about what it is I really want to do. I want to write. I want to write a book. I love people, I love reading people.”

This conversation is so funny because, there was a girl that used to work in the office (see previous post about girl I couldn’t stand) who was 22, with a high powered job, already had a stock portfolio, was so organized it was gross, never seemed stressed, always had a new outfit, and found time to cook. She was always one step ahead of the game and found little weird ways to organize her work that I could not think of in my lifetime. When I had this conversation with my boss she alluded to, when she was talking about strengths and such, that some people, like “people that have worked here are extremely organized but they are not warm and not good people people.” I knew she was talking about her and I didn’t say anything. However, it made sense to me.

Then she says something to me that just hit home with me. She said, “Rachel, just because someone might have something you don’t, it only means you have something they don’t. Just because you might not fit in a certain career, means you are a perfect fit in another. Knowing how to make graphs, keep files neat, and knowing business only works here, what you have, you can work in a million settings and excel.”

She is right. Just because we don’t fit a model criteria does not mean we don’t fit anywhere. Some of us naturally don’t have that business sense in them. I could never do data analysis, grids, and the like and that is ok… I got something else.

And, I fit somewhere

2006-04-12T20:04:00.000-07:00

The Little Things We Do To Make Life Fun

I put on my ruffled panties, blare “Out Tonight” and do the dance that Mimi does. (Or any happy song of the moment)

What is it about dancing that gets you completely in tune with your body? You feel the beat and your body moves along with it. Your pulse begins to match the music and your hips begin to shake or sway to the melody. You feel sexy and you feel like there is nothing in this world except you and the music.

I eat chocolate

75% cocoa – very dark. Very rich. Very perfect. Chocolate has actually been linked to raising your serotonin levels, which is why so many women crave it during PMS when their levels drop.

I go to a concert

Live music makes that cd come alive. It makes the singer become a real person. It makes you completely immerse yourself in the music for two hours or three hours or four hours (if you are Prince). When you listen to a cd it usually accompanies another part of your life. You listen to it in your car, or while you are writing, or while you are cleaning. When you are at a concert there is nothing else.

I go to a baseball game

Many think baseball is boring because sometimes it looks like nothing is happening. To me, it is like a game of chess and the players are the pieces. It is most exciting to figure it out, learn the stats and predict the movies. There are also so many games in a season that you never know how something is going to turn out. It is like a very long scary movie with a lot of twists and turns throughout and you have no idea how it ends..up until the last inning. It is the most exciting sport out there.

I Run

Running is hard. Running is like pain. But the feeling you get, this incredible high you get, makes all that pain worth it. Running and having a mile goal (the marathon) makes it worthwhile. But nothing is worthwhile unless you have fun with it, and that accomplished, high, invigorating feeling is like nothing else in the world (well except maybe one thing haha)

Life is meaningless except for the meaning you assign to it. You can assign it a bad meaning or a good one. You can make it fun or you can make it boring.You can make everything happy or make it sad. You can make it anything you want because nothing is anything until you assign it a meaning.

So Have FUN

2006-04-11T09:22:00.000-07:00

We Are All A Bunch of Faulty Heros

First thing is first. I cannot begin to tell you how many emails, phone calls or comments I got regarding yesterdays blog about us being narcissists. For everyone that contacted me, most asked “Were you talking about me”? “Oh I hope that blog wasn’t about me because I know I have been…but I am not…”

I really love you all.

You all proved my point so much. We think everything is about us most of the time (not to worry its not all the time). It is human nature. And what I write, I do as well. I don’t write it to pretend I am above it all or beyond any actions I speak of because we all do it. Man I do this so much, and sometimes it gets me into trouble. Have no fear, most of the time you being narcissistic will only get you into trouble with someone if they try to pretend that they themselves are not narcissistic. The one person that did not ask me if the blog was about them was the one person that I actually made specific references to. This person, though, will freely admit he is a narcissist. He Will freely admit it and just shrug his shoulders like, “well who cares, don’t hang around me if you don’t like it.” (The attitude we all should have) So Ethan, the true narcissist. You amaze me.

This is not to say I condone bad behavior. Quite the opposite. What I do condone, however, is the ACCEPTANCE of us, wholly and completely, not just the good part of us. But acceptance of the devil inside of us because no matter how much spiritual cleansing we try to do, the devil will remain our entire lifetime.

For all you geeks reading this, think of the devil as the dark side. Everyone has it in them. To become truly evil is to give the dark side power and to immerse yourself completely in it. To accept that it is in a little part of you, you don’t give the dark side power, you just know that sometimes it can emerge in your life. Look at the dark side, accept it, acknowledge it within you, and you regain your power over it. Then and only then will it fade.

This dark side is the ego, the evil, the devil, the Voldemort. Think of all of you as Harry or Luke. You are good, but you have faults. You can be ego driven (narcissistic). Yet you are good natured. You have faults. You are connected in some way to the dark side/evil/Darth./Voldemort. In fiction we call this the hero archetype. Every hero story is the same story line. And yes, in every hero story the hero is faulty and has weaknesses. In every hero story the hero is connected to the anti-hero (blood with Luke, a prophecy with Harry). And every hero can only become a hero when he accepts that and chooses to be proactive about it rather than ego driven and reactive.

Notice how the hero is never completely pure and good? Take one of histories most famous heroes. Tom Sawyer. Tom lied, cheated, was conniving and quite arrogant. He was very flawed and yet everyone liked him. No one liked the perfect Sid. No one likes perfection.

Everyone is the hero that is why we like the storyline so much. Not one of us is purely good or purely evil. We do bad things. We do good things. But in order to complete our mission to become great self actualized human beings, we must accept our dark sides.

You would be amazed at yourself and how much better you would all feel if you just sat down, alone, and admitted to yourself what you really felt were your faults. The problem is, instead of doing this we project what we feel is wrong with us onto other people. Other people don’t have the control, only we have control of ourselves.

So I suggest we all sit down, really get to the nitty gritty of our faults. Make a list if you must. Then make the decision that you will accept every single one of those things on that list about yourself. Get to the place where you can honestly say, “I accept and love myself exactly as I am right now.” Then you will see true changes in yourself.

If you have any problems trying to figure out what things about yourself you think are faults. (As most people do because we hate to look at ourselves with any introspection we only like to look at others and tell them their faults) then make a list of all the people that annoy, irritate, and just plain piss you off. Write down what you think is wrong with them. THAT is the list of what you think are you faults. Yes what you think about others is really what you think about yourselves.

Guess what happens when you start to accept these faults of yours? All those irritating, annoying people that piss you off really don’t bother you anymore.

I will give some examples. There was a girl I worked with who just pissed me off so much. I always thought, well she is just jealous or she is just arrogant. Well guess what, I was jealous of her! Or how my mother irritates me so much because she is needy. Well, that means I think I am needy and don’t accept that part of me. (Of course my grandpa says all women are but that is beside the point). Try it, and you just might be shocked about what you find.

I already pointed out that we are all both narcissistic and insecure. Accept that first. Then you will one day get to a point where you can honestly say, “Yeah I am needy. So sue me. Get over it. I need a hug.”

Remember, what we accept as faults become quirks. What are quirks make us unique. People stop pissing us off so much because we have taken back the power over the dark side. Dip into the dark side but don’t dive into it. You have the ability to align yourself with your good side (loving yourself) or your devil (ego, pride, hating yourself)

If we get to somewhere in the middle with acceptance of both and I say we would all be in a much better place.

Now I need a hug, and a kiss, and some sparkly things. Hey I am needy, what do you expect.

2006-04-10T11:20:00.000-07:00

Narcissists and Insecurity

First off I must give a big Happy Birthday to the King of all Fucktards. My big brother, the big asshole is 27 today. I suppose I am supposed to say something nice about him to all of you who read this (all 20 of you!). Well…ummmmm….he is really smart. Oh what the hell, he is an egotistical, thinks-he’s-better-than-everyone, buffoon but he is also very caring and protective of those he loves. He is shy in many social situations but it is cute because it shows his weakness. He might brag to me about Hall of Fame trips he gets to take, but when it comes down to playing matchmaker with me and rock stars…he is always thinking of his lil sis. So, here is a BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the best brother a girl could ask for, because without you I would never have learned how to kick a guy where it really hurts back when I was five.

Moving on…

Narcissism. It is it a word that has always been used as a way of belittling someone else. If people don’t like what they see in the mirror they are insecure. If they look in the mirror and like what they see they are narcissistic. Rarely does anyone compliment someone and say, “Wow they are confident, how endearing.” No, they must be narcissistic. It has always been my belief that truly confident people are the only people who don’t think another confident person is overly narcissistic. Basically if you are ok with yourself then you are ok with others.

Rather than label I have to wonder, aren’t we all a little bit narcissistic. How many of you always glance at yourself in the mirror if you happen to be walking past one. How many of you stare at yourself as you walk past reflections in windows? Does anyone else catch the glimpse of their butts as they walk by store windows? Don’t we all love talking about ourselves. What happens the second we do something great or accomplish something? We tell somebody. We call our spouses from work, we text a friend, we announce it on myspace. It is our little way of telling the world, “Hey look at me. I am awesome!”

How many of us name drop if we know famous people? (not that I know anyone like that or anything hehe) How many of us keep blogs, thinking that what we do with our day and what we think is so important other people have to know?

We are all narcissistic. Some of us are mind narcissists. Others are physical narcissists. Many are both. We flash that smile when we know it is a weapon. We wear tight pants and sway our asses when we walk because we know it gets ‘em every time. We stare at ourselves in the mirror. We ask somebody, “Do I look fat in this”? When the answer is not what we are looking for but rather validation. We do many a thing to try to draw attention to our assets in the hopes that people will not notice the other side of us..the insecure side; The side where vulnerability lies.

The insecure part of us is something no one likes to talk about. We have no problem stating what we think about others, but how many of us would tell a stranger, “Ya know sometimes I sit in my room and wonder why anyone would love me, I am so stupid.” But we all think it at one time or another. It doesn’t matter what we are insecure about, ALL of us are insecure about something. Some of us hate our bodies. Some men think they will never be a huge success. Some women hate their thighs. Some women are so afraid that people would see through them they hide behind mini skirts and gallons of lip stick, because God forbid anyone sees who they really are.

Can you imagine what this world would be like if everyone had to say out load exactly what their inner self talk were saying right at that moment.

In the dressing room…”Oh look at me, I have to say all that running has done my ass good. Oh but look at that boobs, I think they could be slightly bigger…and what is this? Why can’t my skin be flawless? What is going on with my legs, they just are not long enough..I need to be stretched.”

At a job interview – “ Well I have excelled in this and this and that. I am very responsible and productive (while thinking please don’t see my desperation. Please don’t see how bad I need this. Please think I am smart enough. If you don’t I might go home and fall into a deadly pit of self wallowing madness.)”

On a date – (thinking: well she likes to laugh man make a joke) “So I - insert lame joke here-“ (damnit man that wasn’t funny. Why can’t you be funnier? What are you a moron? Look at that blank look on her face!)

When it comes down to it all of us possess qualities of both narcissism and insecurity. We can try to hide it. I say we should all celebrate it. If you think you are hot stuff, go ahead and think you are hot stuff! Who cares what anyone thinks, you are sexy! You are beautiful! You have a sparkling smile that can bring any man to his knees. If you think you are smart – shout out your weird words and better than thou attitude. If you think you are funny, go ahead and be funny. If you think your stomach is growing a little too rapidly, embrace that stomach – make it your unique thing, be charming about it. If you think you are less educated on a subject, admit it. Ask questions if you want. Don’t be afraid to say “Well I know absolutely nothing about that, I would love for you to tell me about it since you are so educated.”

Face it – we are all self absorbed. We are insecure and self absorbed in our insecurity. We are cocky and self absorbed in our cockiness. I tend to think that is what makes us all so so cool. The best part of life is figuring out people. Seeing their weak spots. Seeing what they love about themselves. Seeing what they honestly love about themselves and seeing what things they have hidden deep down, under the surface, making them human.

Once again – Happy Birthday Fucktard! You may have been an undiagnosed Autistic your whole life, but you are still the best brother ever. Of course, the only brother I have, so therefore the best be default. :)

2006-04-08T06:24:00.000-07:00

Baseball and More of What I Want

My sister- in – law says the best way to figure out what you want is to figure out what you don’t want first.

She told me to take everything I loved about my ex and make those qualities I look for in a future person, (So I did that, see previous wants list) And then add others as they come. And if a date comes around where they have a quality I hate then put the opposite of that quality on my wants and needs. So my ex had lots of qualities I look for in a guy – so I started there and make that want list. Then proceed further…

So there is this guy, lets call him lawyer. The past couple of weeks he has helped me figure out what I want by giving me exactly what I don’t want. EXACTLY

First – Lawyers have no sense of humor so I want someone who is not a lawyer.
I mean the jokes are just not cool. The jokes are not funny. They remind me of the guy in the room at a party who is not at ease with himself and can’t go with the flow of conversation so tries to be funny and has horrible timing and delivery and just ends up having people stare at him like, HUH?

Second – Confidence is key and confidence in a social situation is even more key, I guess this means they must be CHARMING

Third – they CAN”T be intimidated by me. I know I can be very pushy and demanding but the right guys I have been with have always been very good at grounding me. (Not in the way a teacher grounds a child you naughty people with dirty thoughts!) I know I can be a smart ass but if a guy gets insecure around me and can’t rise up to the smart-ass occasion then he won’t cut it. So what I want is a guy who can be a smart ass and deal with my smart assiness.

Fourth - My natural personality is very touchy feely and flirty and passionate. So if I don’t like a guy I don’t want to lead him on so I can’t be my normal flirty self. I have to put my hands in my lap and be reserved so pheromones and chemistry is a MUST. Attraction is a must. Sexual chemistry is a MUST. If I can’t wait to start kissing you then that is a good thing…if I start looking at your mouth and making a plan never to go near it – not good.

Fifth - If on a third date a guy stops opening the door – pfft see ya later. So I want a guy who is chivalrous.

Sixth - The ability to sit back, relax, not be so serious and just have fun is such a key. Major political jabs so soon are such a turn off especially when they make a comment that, “Well I think most well educated people are liberals” – get ready for a slap in the face. Then proceed to shoot me down when I state my opinion. Now gather I don’t have as many talking points as some others and I know people can be passionate about their political views…but don’t try to hinder mine and then proceed to ask me on a fourth date cause you just wont get one. I guess I must have set him off when I said the words “Well the liberal media…”

Seventh – You don’t get to stare at my ass until I say it is ok to stare at it. I see where your eyes are, I am not blind.

Eighth – A guy has to see the value and need for buying season tickets to a baseball game. If they wonder how someone could go to all those games – chuck them.

Ninth – Take charge. Be a man. What girl (well at least not me) wants to date a pussy? If you are scared to take control of me then you will be forever walked on.

Tenth – I get what I want. I ask for what I want. Give it to me or tell me no and then kiss me. Don’t tell me yes all the time. Don’t be a pushover.

So I learned some more specifics.

II am about to go on my first 9 mile run.

I am so so so so so nervous.

Opening Day was exciting as hell. I couldn’t stop smiling. I will give a more detailed update on that later. But I had a blast and even made some new friends.

-

2006-04-07T16:03:00.001-07:00

Sometimes Odd Things Work Again

Amy - When will you admit that running water and the foreman don't go together? When will you admit you broke it? When will you be a man and admit you are wrong? You can't get mad at me for something you did!

Ethan - I'm too arrogant for that. I'll admit it tomorrow.

Amy - FINE

The next day Amy, just for kicks tries the foremen once again.

It works.

Damnit.

At least he learned his lesson - no electronics under water.

Amy's birthday is today and Ethan's is on Monday. Things are getting bigger on the horizon for Ethan in the media world. Good things always happen near birthdays.

So a big Happy Birthday to AMY NICOLE.

2006-04-07T16:03:00.000-07:00