Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Is it the quest or the goal that is the real goal?

The quest for the Holy Grail has been the main goal of many peoples lives throughout modern history. Did the Knights Templer find it? What did they find?

There are theories that the grail is hidden in a beautiful gothic church in Scotland, there are theories that the grail is not even a grail at all but rather a "secret" so vast it would change the worlds way of thinking....a divine blood line?

Non fiction books such as Holy Blood Holy Grail and fiction books such as The Da Vinci code all point to this quest....the most important and expensive quest of our time.

However, I have to wonder if the quest in itself is more important than finding the grail. The quest is what gives people a sense of purpose, their lives meaning, and a goal to achieve. But what would happen if they found it? What purpose would these "grail seekers" have? Maybe that is why it would never be found.

Buddhist seek Nirvana...but do they ever get it? How much do they have to meditate to get it? While the Buddha achieved it sitting under a tree, Buddhist maintain their presence in the here and now, meditate, and don't worry about the Nirvana. It is the meditation and peacefulness they relish.

In our own lives, we have goals. We want to achieve riches and have families. We have dreams, like mine to write a great novel. I want to have a big family, a great writing career and a sense of peacefulness. I want to achieve that end result. But what is more important, achieving the end result or the road to get there?

I used to think of the end. I am finding myself more and more thinking of now. Because, once we get to the end, there is nowhere else to go. Once we find our own Holy Grail we have no more quest. We have no more adventure. Life is no longer needed.

My Holy Grail may be different than everyone else. But I think our quest for something is one in the same; That our quest should be full of love, laughter, adventure, learning, and comfort. Once we can live with that....the end just does not seem as important.

Monday, August 15, 2005

The life we would all want to live....

I come from a huge family. The family is load and unique and could very well be a successful reality television show. Everyone in my family talks more than everyone else. Standing at the top of this family was a man of very few words. My Great Grandfather Jim liked to sit there, at the head of the table, and smile at all the crazy people in my family as if thinking, "Look what I have created."

Now he is gone forever...

Whenever he would look at me I felt he had a special smile reserved only as our little secret. Maybe, it is because he saw a little bit of my late Great Grandma Rose in me. Maybe he just thought I was special. Period.

When he did speak it was short, concise and always right. He was a personnel wisdom machine.

Last Tuesday my Great Grandfather was taken from me suddenly. He had been on dialysis for the past two years and his body just had enough. Blood thinners made it so he could not clot properly and on that Tuesday morning God took him away.

The New York family flew out here immediately and Thursday was an intimate funeral where he was buried next to my Great Grandma Rose. One of his last wishes was to be buried with his golf clothes on and his clubs right next to him. An excellent athlete right until the end. I stood next to my boyfriend, who has been amazingly supportive and thought to myself....if I had made him promise me he would stick around for me to have kids, then would he have let go? My Grandma made him promise he would stick around for her 50th anniversary and he did. He promised to stick around for my brother's wedding and he did. I should have made him promise. However, maybe he just felt it was time.

It is hard to think of him without tears welling up in my eyes. He lived a full life, made a huge family that he was proud of, prided himself of being a family man......an all around class act. He died at 93, leaving his third wife (he outlived the others) my Great Grandma Lisa...the only one I ever knew.

I wish I got more time with him. But then again, we always want more. There is no right time for someone to go. We can all hope to live the life he lead. He died in old age leaving a legacy behind. But it still hurts like hell. It hurts like a rock in my stomach.

I don't know why I am writing this but I guess I just feel like maybe my Jimmy can live on if more people know how amazing he was...

So rest in peace Grandpa.

I will miss your smile...

I will miss your infinite wisdom...

I will miss your peacefulness...

I will miss your charming overly confident demeanor (which only old people can pull off anyway)...

I will miss your warmth...

Most of all though....I will miss your love

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Life Revelation #1
If you spill coffee...the rest of the day will suck

I always stop by Coffee Bean on my way to work. Most of the time I order my grande house blend with nonfat milk and three splendas. I then proceed to order a large ice blended mocha for one of my coworkers.

Yesterday as I was parking my car I ran into a problem of sorts...

I got out of my car and set the two coffee items on the roof of my car. I then reached down into my automobile to retrieve my purse thus knocking the entire contents of that large ice blended mocha with whipped cream onto my body. We are talking the shit got in my hair all over my scrubs all over my shoes and socks....I was a mess...

So I said a few mild obscenities and tried to figure out what the hell to do next. I would have gotten in trouble if I went home to change being that I live 40 minutes away. I did not have any other scrubs with me and the mall across the street did not open until ten. SHIT...

I then remembered I had some dirty clothes I did not take out of my trunk from my boyfriends house. So I climbed into my backseat and took off my mocha covered clothes (which even soaked through to my socks) and stripped naked. I put on my dirty scrubs and called my father.

"Dad I have an emergency"

"what's wrong"?!

I explained to him what had happened with a response mixed with amusement and anger. He was going to go over to the mall for me at ten to buy me some new scrubs and socks.

I was 20 minutes late for work and of course got yelled at.

The day did not get any better....

My supervisor was a bitch all day.

My co worker got in a cat fight with my supervisor...

I smelled of mocha even after I changed my clothes...

Today is much much better.

I might be getting a new job in the marketing department. It is part time and fits with my school schedule (oh yeah did I mention I am starting up school again?)

It is an entry level job but it is in the field I want to be in. NO MORE Breast Center. No more bitchy ladies....WOOO HOOO!!!!!

I am also moving out. :)

I am also getting a puppy...just my boyfriend does not know it yet so shhhhhh, Actually I am getting the puppy for the holidays as a gift. But still, don't tell!

I have not been writing much lately because I have been working like hell and spending my free time packing up my stuff and cleaning out what needs to be thrown away. I promise a very intriguing yet witty post is coming soon.

I want to move to New York.