Wednesday, July 28, 2004

This past weekend I went to Vegas for Amy's bachelorette party. I don't remember part of the night. There are holes. I do know that I did some very bad things and I think there are some pictures out there that could prove to be incriminating....yikes! Oh well, it felt damn good to blow off steam. I sure as hell needed it. We all had a great time and it is so great that all the bridesmaids get along with each other.
We started the night off at Coyote Ugly and went to three different places ending up at RA. Things are blurry. Amy had to wear a veil with penises on it and we had a list of tasks she had to perform. These included dancing on the bar, dancing handcuffed to someone and getting someone to buy all the bridesmaids a round of drinks.
Then this Greg guy from New York showed up....

Today was my last day of work. I feel like jumping out of my skin for joy. I can't contain anything anymore. There is this thing that always happens in school, the last five minutes of class are always the longest. That is how today felt. I got through it though and this big weight is now lifted off my shoulders. It felt so weird cleaning out my locker. Weird in a good way. Right now I don't know what to feel about leaving this place I called my second home for the past 19 years. I know I feel joy. I know I feel free. There is another feeling there as well, not sure what it is though. My future is uncertain. I don't know anything. I only know that I have my family, my new sister and Rachelle, Lyndsey and Brandon. For once, I am not insatiable. For once, I think that is enough. I don't need anything else and I don't need anyone else. I don't even need to dance on a stage anymore. My living room by myself is more than enough for me.

Friday, July 23, 2004

Letting go of everything. Period.
It is the Buddhists who believe one of the pathways to true happiness is to get rid of desires. It is the kabbalists who believe that desire is what makes us human. I am torn on which one to choose or believe. In Kabbalah when someone asks, "Who am I?" the answer is simple.... You are what you desire. But, if I am supposed to give up my desires to gain true happiness would that mean I am supposed to give up that which makes me human?

Other psychologists suggest that happiness can come from surrendering all attachments to things. This requires the balance of loving something without being attached to it. This is hard to do without being apathetic. This also requires letting go.

So letting go. How do I let go without becoming apathetic and defunct of all capability to feel at all? Is this what it comes down to? Not caring? The whole caring but not being attached thing seems to be the hardest thing to achieve. Say someone is in my life and I care about them, how is it possible to not feel pain if they leave? How is it possible not to get attached to objects, people, places...and still care about them?

I don't have any answers to these questions and I don't know when I will.
For now I guess all I can do is let go of everything and whatever comes my way will come my way.

Monday, July 19, 2004

I did it. I did it. I did it. I did it. I did it.
I gave my two weeks notice. I was so nervous I thought I was going to get yelled at, and persecuted. But, it went far better than I expected. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off of me and I am free. I finally did it.

In other news, the wedding is in three weeks and if I have learned anything from going through all of this it is that I DO NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED! It is too much of a hassle. I swear all this crazy stuff it is amazing anyone lives through that day. Well I can't say I will never get married. I might in 10 years or so, but no time soon that is for sure.

I have lost a few pounds. I am doing really well on my diet and I am running about six times a week. I did cheat today however and feel very guilty about it. it is funny how one can eat so healthy and then cheat once and feel like every pound lost creeps right back in. I think deep down I know cheating one day won't do any damage but I am still sitting here thinking I just wish that chocolate could come right out of me. I should not have had a cheat day. I will not have another cheat day until the wedding and then after that no more cheat days. I hope I don't gain any weight from todays cheat day. I must have had 2,000 calories today...maybe even 2,300.

This is what I am thinking. sarah Michelle Geller is about 3-4 inches taller than me and yet we weigh about the same. So I should technically weigh less than her. She is perfect. She is skinny and perfect. No one thinks she is anorexic looking either.

I have a feeling something big is about to happen in my life. I have no idea what that is, it is just a feeling. Like a buildup of an explosion. I wonder what it could be.

Saturday, July 10, 2004

Ok so finally the week is over.
Recital is over. It is over and done with and so far the new job front is going oh so not as good as I want it to be. Joy (the HR person at Hot Topic) loved loved loved me but had this whole new program installation this past week and that is why she has not called. Of course, I did not know that this past week so I just assumed I got overthrown. I thought I was not good enough for it. Well, ok I know I should not have assumed anything but with everything that has been going on at my job now, it just made me feel shitty. It made me feel like I have no place in the work field. My job now undermines me. They try to make me feel like an idiot and they come close to succeeding because I don't use my brain much there anyway. They treat me like I am less because I am young and I don't use anything I will use. Do they know I read? NO Do they know I write? NO Do they even know I have capabilities at all? NO

Well I sort of freaked about the Hot Topic thing over nothing though because it looks like they will call this week. They all really did like me there, which feels so different. It is like an environment of people who actually do things I do, besides dance I mean. I just hope I don't end up in limbo. I want to start a new job now, I am excited to start one.

I just don't want dance to become a bad memory for me and at the moment it has not become a fun thing, it has become a burden. I go to work sad and depressed.

So ok I was also wrong about the Nir thing, but I still have not talked to him. Oh well, we will both get over it. We always do.

I think this was just a Rachel feels stupid week. They come every so often and then they fade into the background like they never happened and I become myself once again, happy, energetic, confident.

I don't think it is about outside people bring me down either that makes me feel stupid when I have those weeks, it is no ones fault but my own. I just have these cycles where I think I could always know more and be more. I think everyone I respect is smarter than me in so many ways and I wish I could be as smart as they are. Then usually I see people bringing me down as a result of those feelings. Snide comments about my memory or my attention span, jokes and the like. Even Brendan made me feel like a right fool today when he made a comment about Jeff Buckley touring and I asked when and where. (He is dead)
I always wonder if the rest of the world feels just as foolish sometimes. If everyone else has weeks, or days or moments where they feel like blind idiots walking through the forest running into trees and not knowing where to go. Is it everyone? Or, is it just me?

Then I wake up a few days later and I go back to being myself. Normal. Confident. Happy. Until the next time I get blindfolded again.

I hope that is a long time coming....this was a long freaking week....

P.S I know what tattoo I am getting now. Amy is drawing it up. More information to come. :)

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

In personnel ads people embellish their best qualities to try to make perspective dates attracted to them. What if they just gave them their worst? Like, hey this is the worst you are going to get, if you can deal with that then it will only get better!!
When I meet someone, I want to know the worst about them first. If I can deal with that, then their best qualities are easy. I can be friends with them, or their girlfriend, or whatever.
personnel ads should always state the worst as should any introduction.
Hi I am Rachel, red hair, green eyes, slightly evil, loud and obnoxious, vulnerable, possessive, spoiled, rash , emotional...pleased to meet ya!!!

Oh the perfection....

Nir lied to me about going to the wedding to get a doctor's phone number. As if I would not have given the number to him. I know we are not friends anymore or anything, but I would give a doctors number to an enemy if they needed it. Lying about the wedding was probably the lowest thing he has done. Well, I am not that mad because I am just beyond it all now, but Amy (Haber) was really offended that he undermined her wedding, and my mom was pissed that she got excited that he was coming over nothing. You can't fight fire with fire, it just does not work.

I think I trust my brother and Amy more in their opinions of my friends. It is always the ones they tell me they like, that turn out to be amazing people. They like Rachelle and Lyndsey and Lauren. They like Brendan and Brandon. Amy has a good eye, I trust her. I would think twice about dating a guy if she did not like him.

Spidy 2 was the best movie ever!!! Well the best movie of that genre in a long time. I swear I loved it so much. I have no words. Well not yet. I am still speechless. Give me time though I don't remain speechless for long.

One month from today until the wedding. Even I am getting nervous. It is an excited nervous though. There are not many mile stones that come along in life like this and so when they do, it is like my heart stops for just a second in order to take it all in just a moment longer. My brother is getting married! And, since I don't plan on getting married for a long time, this day is special for me, kinda a precursor. :)

I went to Tower records today and I did not buy anything....It felt really weird.
Most of the time we can't pick and choose who we become friends with. They just sort of choose us, or we run into each other and grab on for dear life for however long we are supposed to. If we try to choose friends that we are not supposed to be friends with, the balance of ones life becomes fragmented and harsh. You can't force someone into your life, someone has to enter. It may not be who you choose, but it will be who you need.

I have been learning this lesson a lot, as do most people when they grow up I think. I want to be friends with people I can't be friends with. I don't want guys that want me. The friends I need are here and that is a lesson I have learned, everyone is a teacher.
In the friends we have, there are aspects we like and parts we don't like. I do believe there is evil in all of us. I also believe we have to accept that evil if we have to love ourselves. So that means we also have to accept the evil in our friends as well. I find this harder. But, the hardest is accepting it in my non friends. By non friends, I mean people I know that for some reason or another I am not friends with. Usually it is a personality clash, a moral clash, an ego clash, or we just don't fit. Sometimes people don't want to be friends with me, my dark side is too much. Or sometimes I reject another. It is these people I have a harder time accepting their dark side. These people are still teachers though. I have no idea what they are going to teach me, but it will be interesting to find out.

There are a few people I want into my life. There are a few people I want as friends. There are a few people I love right now. There are a few people I could love. Maybe that is enough...

3 mile run today. I am kicken some ass!!! I think I can do the half marathon in six months if I keep going at this rate.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

I took a much needed vacation down to the San Diego this weekend. I stayed with Ian and Jenna. We ate wonderful Thai food, watched Roddick play some Tennis, went to a Padres game, watched the Padres win, and had a rockin Fourth of July party. It was escapism at its best. It felt so good to be away from everything.

Jenna thinks she knows exactly what is going to happen to me in the next ten years. She will not tell me though. She wants it to be a surprise. Ian thinks he knows too. I, on the other hand, have not one clue.

I cheated on my diet a lot this weekend. I did not do too bad, but I defiantly indulged a bit. However, at least I refrained from the sweets and treats at the party. I am now back to 1,000 cals a day and sticking to it. No more cheat days for me!!!

Now that summer school is over I will have more time to read normal books. I started The Bell Jar and so far it is freaking amazing. I still have a pile a mile high I want to get through before the summer is over though. I am really trying to get over my bias toward pre 1900 lit and move into some modern stuff. There is some really good modern lit out there, I was just really stuck in a hole before. I guess we all get that way. We get that way about music, authors, places. It is a comfort zone I guess.

There are a few concerts this month that are must sees
First off there is Granty Lee. He is playing a few times and I really really want to go because I have not seen him in so long.
Then there is Jackson Browne which I have to go to because he is my Fullerton home boy haha.
THen as I expected some acts from Lollapaloza are going out on their own since it got canceled.
Gomez and Modest Mouse are both playing this month. I have to see Gomez!! And Modest Mouse I heard are pretty good.
Then there is Brendan's show at the end of the month

Busy Busy Busy

Oh and then there is this wedding coming up....