Sunday, April 30, 2006

The Magic of Making Music

Tomorrow, my friend K is in town so I get to head over and witness what happens in a recording studio. What I will witness, I have not a clue. But, it is always so fun to watch the magic of making music take place.

I am always interested in how music comes from just an idea, through the roads and on to an actual cd. (Or vinyl you music snobs!) Whenever I see a musician I really enjoy just sit at a piano or pick up a guitar and improv I am amazed. I guess I am amazed the same way an author goes from an idea to the final edits of a novel. It is the process that seduces me. I guess so many things go into making a piece of art and I am fascinated about all the aspects. How does one construct a song? And a good song at that. How does someone go from an outline of something to a body and then to a final product? Anyways, it will be cool to see the process, hang out, see old friends and have a few drinks.

IN similar aspects, I think some people, whether a musician or a DJ have the ear for making music, or arranging it to their liking. Many people have a good ear for music and many dancers or people who move to music have a good ear to body understanding of music. But, not many people can sit and write some very beautiful unique piece of music and make an idea a reality that way.

For that, I give my respects to all musicians, DJ’s, dancers, composers, and even the guys who put music to soundtracks. Because, it makes life a lot more beautiful, and without it what fun would life be?

Some of my favorite memories involve concerts, or just dancing to music, or just sitting around playing music. I love learning new music and besides what is sexier than a guy with a guitar or a microphone? Who doesn’t have a sexy rock star fantasy?

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Jealousy of the animals

So my other animals got all huffy and puffy because I showed King Boris to the world so I promised them I would show you all the pretty ladies

This is Nala. She is a bitch....but in a good way. She hits you if you stop petting her and growls if you dont give her attention.

The one on the left is Sugar (Boris as you know is the Pug). Me and Lauren rescued Sugar from the pound one day while ditching school. She was on death row and we saved her. She is the sweetest dog annd does nothing but love.

And here are Collie and Pity. They make a cute couple don't they?

and for some reason that picture won't upload. Dustin...picture guru....why is that?

All my animals still live at my parents house but I get visitation. :)

I figure now that I know how to do this picture thing (except the kitty picture ugghhhh) I should probably show who my cast in my life is.

More later...I am injured....and need to rest up tonight for my busy weekend

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

How do we know what is bragging to Impress...or Joking to disarm?

A little bit more of what I don’t want…

Please don’t brag about your only makes me think you have a small wee wee

Please don’t brag about your abilities with women…it only makes me think you have none.

The world of dating really gives me a lot to write about. LOL

I was having a discussion the other day with Amy about the big differences in guys who are overtly confident and silently confident. The silently confident guy just walks with this aura that he may know his faults, but he accepts them completely. He has this thing about him where he has no need to tell anyone the good stuff about himself because he has nothing to prove…he knows it already. The quiet confident guy makes others feel more confident around him. The overtly confident guy makes others feel inferior. The overtly confident guy makes others think he is fake or insecure or trying to hide something. The quiet confident guy is not in it for the chase. He knows what he wants and just gets it. The quiet confident guy has an air of you are not so sure what he is thinking. The quiet confident does not brag and acts with humility rather than insecurity. He shows his worth rather than speaks it. He is sexy but in an understated way. He is sexual but does not collect notches on the bed post just because.

I have had a recurring dream since I was little that I was being followed by a guy like this. He did not speak once but he was so powerful. I think guys like that have power without words and maybe that is the greatest power of all. I tend to think it is those quietly confident guys, whose wit is accidental, whose ability to impress is not based on words and whose actions express the aura of, “I am not perfect but I like myself just fine.” That really gets us girls’ blood flowing.

It is really funny and quite astonishing to read people when you really listen to what they have to say below the surface. When you learn how to see through the words, the real guy comes out.

I think when I feel most insecure of myself is when I say the most about my assets. Is it because I am saying it out loud so I can try to believe it myself? Maybe. Is it because I am trying to prove my worth? Maybe so. Maybe it is to try to mask the insecurity, afraid people might find out I am just Rachel. There is nothing superior about me and nothing about me makes me more special than anyone else. When I am comfortable with that, I find myself not really caring about proving myself or impressing others. I don’t have to brag and I don’t have to point out my assets. But on those days where I am feeling a little less of myself, when that precious ego has taken over….and I become like those guys that so terribly turn me off.

There are other times though where I make jokes. I am not sure where this comes from. It is not to brag but more to test or get a rise out of a guy. I like to see peoples reactions. On these days I think I am just more of a ME than anything else, but I can see how it can come across as bragging. Maybe the difference is when someone is just being playful they might say it with a playful tone to their voice.

So my question is…how do we know if someone is joking, bragging, or just saying exactly what it is they feel? How do we know if they are playing a fun teasy game or honestly trying to impress you but rather turning you off? Words are so powerful if used correctly. Maybe it is all in how we interpret things. I am interested on all your takes on this (all 40 readers anyway). How do you see if a guy (or girl) is being playful and light hearted, or bragging, or overtly annoyingly over confident?

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Best Lines EVER...please give me some you have heard :)

...this is what I do when I should be studying :)

Best Lines EVER

Disclaimer – if you said one of these lines..this is not meant to offend, it is meant to show you how all seriously weird we all are

“My therapist told me I need to go see a psychic” – How LA

“ I want to taste you but I bet your lips are venomous.” – are we Alice Cooper now?

“Chris was so good tonight Rach.”
“Yeah you will ORGASM”!!! – Because apparently all good singers make me wet myself – and not by peeing.

(edit to add – ok you were right. I just watched him. I now have to go change panties)

“Yeah Rachel was a really wild rebelous child” – to my boss…thanks a lot

“You are a fucktard” – and a new word is born and spreads like wildifre

“Spirit is losing patience with you.” – Really? Spirit is? So that’s why Spirit caused a bird to attack?

“I heart you Muffin.” – because the person who said this is the bestest

“How’s the Bazoom”? – The dog is doing fine.

“I made that ass.” – Yes you did sweet cheeks

“Do you have a small wee wee”? – Because tact is not something I posess

“ I have this weird feeling I am going to win the lottery one day” – don’t we all.

“Why do I always get butterflies in my stomach when I see a hot guy with a great ass”?
“Because he is a hot guy with a great ass…that’d be my best guess.”

“You are so full of crap”
“Of course I am full of crap. I am a fucktard” – At least he admits it.

“They could build monuments to your self centerdness” - perfect.
Possible Jobs

So I finally figured out how to upload pictures to my blog…turns out all you have to do is lick this little icon button and press “upload” humph. Yes I am retarded…

New developments on the job front are on the horizon and I am finding myself with tons of advice from people about what they think I should do.

I have heard…

You should be a Pilates instructor…you can make you own hours, the pay is good, and you are great at it because you are a dancer.

You should just bite the bullet and be a writer…but get a good editor since your spelling sucks

I think you should be a psychologist or counselor.

Screw it all…marry rich, have babies and spend your days looking pretty

Wait until your brother becomes vice president and then demand nepotism and get a job discovering new bands to where you will single handily change the music industry from the crap it is to a magnificent cup of tea.

You should become an Angel Girl. Because, then you will get to have fun, get paid, and get me free tickets.

Well I still have no idea what I am going to do. All my options sound pretty appealing to me!

Maybe I will just do it all. I will audition for the Angels for now, get my pilates certification, graduate school, get married, have kids, go work for the music empire that by then my brother will have taken over, discover new bands, (or maybe just continue my band aid status and be the token fun sibling and dress up as furry animals and dance on stage) and then write a book about it.

Has that been done?

Monday, April 24, 2006

This is just a test.

This is King Boris

Sunday, April 23, 2006

I Have Always Been Addicted To One Way or Another

So I did my 10-mile run on Saturday. People must think I am nuts to be training for this marathon thing but I am not sure anyone understands how running actually makes me feel.

Ok yes there are the swollen feet and the feeling that for the rest of the day after a long run you just want to lie on the sofa and do nothing. And it hurts. After a certain amount of time your legs begin to feel like Jell-O. My arches hurt from years of dancing and now the pounding they are taking is making them sore. Also, when you run that long the sweat on your body evaporates from the wind and you are left with grainy salt all over your body. Hey it is natural exfoliation!!

But then there are the good things. The incredible high that fills your whole body and whole mind. This feeling of euphoria that lasts all day, It gets your blood going and, hate to say it, but it makes me rather randy.

When I was dancer, and this was in the later years of my dancing obviously not when I was five, I would love my body while I was dancing. The practicing is never attractive. You are sweaty and red. There are scrapes and blisters. There is no makeup and the hair is a mess. But while I was dancing I never felt sexier. I never felt so in tune with my body and how it moved. Now that I don’t dance anymore (except in the comforts of my living room) I needed another way to move my body to get that feeling again.

Enter running. I get that same feeling. So no matter how much it hurts I am now addicted to it. I will never be a professional dancer or compete ever again. But that dancer blood has always been in me. And with that comes the insatiable need to move and to feel my body moving.

Plus, I think it is pointing me in the direction of where I want to go. I am literally running towards a goal I never knew I had. I am not sure I have ever felt better about myself.

My old dance teacher used to say there were two types of people in the world. There were those that listened to music and could see in their minds the movements of the body to go with it. They could actually feel the movement in the music. Whenever I hear a song, no matter what it is or where I am I can still feel that movement and often times (which gets quite embarrassing in my car) I move right along with it. Then there are those that don’t. There are people that are born to dance and even if you stop along the way, dancing is always there. Maybe dancers are just of another species.

And now? Now the music of running is the steady beat that my breathing makes. The sound of my environment around me begins to make music. And, on the days I use my Ipod, running will never stop me from shaking my tush…just a little.

Friday, April 21, 2006

It's Friday Morning, the Sun is Not Out Yet

In Sex in the City Carrie says, “But the most important relationship you have in life is the one you have with yourself. And if you can kind someone to love the one you love…well that’s just fabulous.” Damn I love Carrie.

That show is so funny how sooo many women relate their lives to it. We identify with parts of each character’s personality. We either love the Aiden or the Big. You hear women saying, “well Aiden was the perfect guy but he didn’t challenge her. Big is not perfect but he is perfect for her.”


“Well I am a mix between Carrie and Miranda.”


Well you get the idea…

I was not feeling particularly good yesterday. TOM came to town, my tummy hurt and it needed rubbing, and the pity party had requested a table for one.

I wasn’t me.

And someone knocked me back to me.

He said, “Rach…you are being a whiner. You are being a bratty whiner You are a smart, beautiful feisty bratty girl…just have fun with that for the time you are here.”

Boy was I humbled. He was right. I am still very blessed in my life. I have been blessed with so much. And everyday more blessings have been entering my life. Big huge blessings! (I call this the three squeeze rule. That I will explain later.) And one thing happens that makes me confused and then Tom comes to visit and I am a mess. Damn I hate woman hormones. But I am still that girl that is loved and has been loved, nothings changed. And why not have fun with it? At least have fun with it when TOM leaves.

For you men out there, let me explain what TOM does…

You feel a million pounds fatter and your tummy sticks out. The smallest thing makes you cry. You are crampy and are probably pooping a lot too. It is the one day where being a woman just sucks.

But I am still the feisty beautiful person I always have been. No one can change that.

Well then he said I was cocky. That brat.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

The Office Is Empty This Morning

OK we all do weird shit when we in the privacy of our own company.

Carrie Bradshaw called this “Secret Single Behavior” stuff she would never do in front of Big (now that they ended up together in the last episode I imagine she now waits until he is away at work).

We all do it. For Carrie it was eating saltines standing up while reading Vogue. For Charlotte it was studying her pours in the mirror. Miranda put Vaseline on her hands put them in manicure softening gloves and watched the cooking channels, and Samantha claimed she had none.

So my SSB usually involves dancing around the living room to sexy dance music. Who knows why but I just like doing it. I remember dances and do those as well. My most recent dance is the strip dance Mimi does in Rent and I even have the ruffled Brazilian shorts to dance with.

My other SSB involves reading really cheesy “chick lit” and even tearing up at the end when the heroine always lands the guy of her dreams…awwwww

My other SSB involves taking an obscene amount of time in the shower, exfoliating with some weird ginger salt scrub, shaving every last hair off my entire lower body (uh yeah), and then using my most precious lotions and face masks while wearing my very special terry cloth bathrobe complete with matching slippers.

SSB behavior is meant for when you are alone. For all you married folks out there, I know you have SSB that you save for those special times when your hubby is away on business or when the wife is out with the girls. Don’t be ashamed, tell me what it is.

So anyway, last night, I engaged in some SSB of the dancing around in my underwear pretending to be an exotic dancer variety. This was not known to me, but my blinds were not shut all the way. I live on the first floor, my patio faces a courtyard where the pool is and traffic can be heavy out there. I hear some laughing. It is gay (or just smart) neighbor walking his puppy.

AM I supposed to run out there and explain I am not some nutty person but just rather doing my ritual SSB? He won’t understand. How can he not understand he is gay! (or smart)

Embarrassment consumes me and I run over and pull the blinds completely shut. I throw on my PJ pants and sulk down onto the sofa where I watch tivo and chat until it is time for bed.

SSB is only meant for your eyes.

Oh the shame

In other thoughts on this beautiful Thursday morning when I am alone in the office...

I really hate the fact that I have grown obsessed with baseball. Why you ask? Well I get really sad when my team plays really bad and loses. I take it personally. LIke they were trying to piss me off. And damnit, they really tried to piss me off. Was it because I was not there? When they play well I get giddy. When they suck balls (literally) I get kinda down. Dear Lord what is happening to me. I have become the girl that can go to every home game possible and be happy. Oh dear

I love the fact that Tom Cruise is all about being the best dad EVER and yet the night his girlfriend gave birth he left her side to go talk about it on the news....freaking priceless

My neighbors dog is the most precious new puppy I have ever seen. It is the exact dog I want. A little Yorkie who thinks he is big. My dog is going to be a boy and he will be so handsome. I will dress him a baseball jersey or maybe a rally monkey costume. I once was a game where this couples baby was dressed as a rally monkey. I think it might have been the cutest thing I have ever seen. So that is what I will do with my new puppy.

I have no idea what my future holds. And I miss my past and my best friend. But, my present is looking very bright...weird things are happening. But, good weird things. I guess that is all anyone can hope for. A good present. Well also a good present that comes in a box with a bow is nice too. I really like blue boxes. Little blue boxes that are always wrapped with a simple white ribbon...yummm

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Random Musings when I want to be at the beach instead of at work

Online “windows” shopping is just so depressing. The entire world of fashion and music is at your fingertips. All it takes is a click of a button and the worlds riches can be delivered to your door step addressed to you as if to say, “here you go Rachel, a gift from the heavens…until you get your bill that is.”

What beautiful fabrics are out there. New books and CDs and DVDs are coming out everyday. It is materialism at its best. You don’t have to go anywhere. You have access to all stores from the comforts of your sofa, or your desk and even your bathroom if you have a laptop. (ok like no one does that pahlease)

The Internet is a funny place. It invites you into others worlds. You can check up on dates before you actually go out on a date with them. You can have the worlds consumer products at your feet for your salivating pleasure. You can see websites and pages people make that will exist long after they don’t exist anymore. It immortalized not just a product, but a human being as well.

It is so odd what the internet has become. Has it paralyzed us to have any sort of mystery? Has it caused us all to make ourselves a defined product? Has it caused people to lose any tact because who needs tact when you are not saying something face to face?

Good Example

I received an email the other day from a male. It read (and I quote)

“HI, I wanted to ask you what you thought the best way a guy can ask a girl for a blowjob because I want to ask you for one but don’t want to sound rude. Serious question. Thanks.”

Would any guy say this to my face…drunk at a bar maybe but in most circumstances I think not.

I really have no point to this, it is slow at work and I would rather be at the beach in my new hot swimsuit but I am here, in a week where work is so slow, the boss is out of town, and I think she should have just given us all the week off!

I was just thinking about this and thinking about other stuff like how sick it is that Tom Cruise wants to eat his baby’s placenta (helloooo can someone say SICK) and how I got four honks while I was running yesterday and I still have not made my decision about New York and I have a zit on my forehead that makes me look like I have one of those Bindi things (is that the right word) and that my new neighbor has a yorkie puppy which means he is either gay or just very smart. I am not sure yet. But I am in love with his puppy. I was just thinking how this beautiful sunny day reminded me of a baseball game I went to last season where the warmth of the sun on my skin felt so good. And I drank a cold drink and just sat there and it was like the funnest day in the whole wide world EVER. It is funny what sun does? Does it make everything seem brighter?

Maybe that is the problem with the Internet…it is not sunny in there.

Monday, April 17, 2006

A Funny Thing Happens…(and this is the last post on my acceptance topic I promise...for now)

When you look inward as the cause of life’s problems instead of outward – it becomes freeing because you can actually control the problem. So when you focus on yourself, anger falls away toward anything because you know you had everything to do with anything.

When you begin to accept yourself for exactly what you are and stop trying to be someone you are not – an inner calm envelops you and you realize nothing needs to be different about you to be happy in life.

It makes me so sad to see anyone I love trying to be something different because they think something is wrong with them. I know how lonely and how depressing it feels. Because I used to be like that.

When I was growing up I always thought I had to be something better to be worthy someday. I had to be prettier, I had to be smarter, I had to be more responsible and not procrastinate as much.

But if we really look at ourselves we will see that fighting what we naturally are is a lot more depressing than actually being what we really are.

Our strengths are our weaknesses. And our weaknesses are our strengths. We can use what we have to our advantage as soon as we realize that we don’t have to be someone different.

A lot of people we don’t like we are jealous of because we think they have something we want. I used to not like this girl at work. But I saw that she was so together, so organized, so responsible and I found that she bothered me because I was jealous of her. Yet when I began (and I say began because I am not there yet) to accept myself then she stopped bothering me.

I have another friend who is considered a people pleaser. She is always willing to help, goes above and beyond. I used to tell her, Well S maybe if you said no sometimes then people would respect you more. I was wrong. The fact is she could be a people pleaser all she wanted because it was her natural personality. But to be respected more all she had to do was respect and accept herself, which she didn’t.

I have qualities that are unique to me and make me special. But so does everyone and so do everyone reading this.

There is no need to be anything different, do anything different or fight who you actually are. It makes me so sad to see friends doing this and it makes me sad when I do it too. It makes us so lost, trying to be something we are not. I am reminded of a quote from a great movie, “Saved.”

“If God wanted us to be the same why would he make us so different.”

Me and my sister-in-law have been discussing this a lot because we are both in a crossroads on our future career goals and it is causing us to think a lot about what our natural abilities are.

The fact is, my brother has strengths that I will never have. But I have strengths he will never have. And that is ok. And I think it took me 24 years to realize that. I was always so jealous of his brainpower. Of his drive. Of his ability to do so well and succeed in his career so fast and so easy. But then I realized there were things about me he envied. He wishes he could understand people better and relate to them more. He wishes he could be more natural in a social situation and read people more. The grass is always greener.

So if the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence then what color is the fence?


Some of my co- workers think I should be a social worker or a nutritionist (hey just because I give advice on food intake does not mean I want to do it for a living!)

I do know I will probably never fit in the big huge corporate setting (unless it is a very creative laid back environment) and I am beginning to think that is ok.

I do know my sister in law will probably never be good at waking up on time – but its ok.

I know my brother will always have problems relating to people on their level and not his and he probably will come across as an ass to some people who don’t get it (ugghh except when he is an ass to me because then it is totally his fault and he sucks and is just an ass) – but its ok.

All human beings are pretty much the same thing with different paths of going about it. Everyone is the same species whose biggest goal in life is happiness. Know this and you can know everyone. Everyone has a want that represents happiness and people will tell you what that want is verbally, indirectly and non verbally.

I know I have been talking about this a lot lately and it is because it is interesting me sooooooo much. I promise to stop boring you all with it once I write it all out of my system.

But for now a little something off topic –

The very first picture of Katie Holmes has doctors estimating her to be at about 4-5 months pregnant. This was in October (beginning of) there is no way she was 2 months pregnant because a woman never shows until at least month three. However she was showing pretty good (you gossip hounds remember this as the blue silky shirt on the soccer field with Tom Boy) which would mean that she was probably in month 4 at the least but 5 probable. However if she was the rare case that shows that much at month three that would put her at month 10 right now!! And the more probably four months and that means she is at month 11. WEIRD. Ok people you all have to admit it is weird. It is an alien baby!!!!

I was in LA this weekend and was just shocked at the fact that parts of LA (i.e. the parts you see while driving on the 101) are beginning to look like a third world country. I even saw SHACKS!! What was even sadder was Hollywood blvd. I saw pictures of ole Hollywood, all glamorous and beautiful. And now I find myself looking at a closed eatery that my dads best friend’s mom used to run over 40 years ago and hearing what my dad describes as the old LA and it is just so so so sad. I went, because of my profound need to know everything, into the scientology center for some “info” (i.e. to investigate) that will have to take up a whole other post.

Amy was telling me that Natasha (her dog) was a bratty girl because she would go up to male dogs in the street and shove her ass in their face and they would sniff and feel her up and then she would turn around and bite their face.

Amy has one smart girl as a dog.

So I tell Amy well that’s what girls do we shake our butts in the guys face and then run away and play all coy and hard to get (come on girls you know you all have done this, why do you think girl against boy tag was invented!)

My aunt is coming home from the hospital today. It is scary to think about what is going on. It is scary to see a family member give up. I think when people give up on life it is because they feel they have nothing to live for. And being that the only thing there is to live for is to love and be loved I have to wonder if she doesn’t feel love. She is loved. People are just frustrated with the giving up. What a paradox. Maybe people just get sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time?
I feel kind of numb about what is going on here so all I can do is remain optimistic, even if it doesn’t make sense to do so.

It is almost bedtime for me – 4:00 AM wake up call.

But one thought I would like to leave you all with on this beautiful Monday evening…

Don't listen to that guy. He's trying to lead you down the path of righteousness. I'm gonna lead you down the path that rocks.
- Emperor's New Groove

Play Ball

Saturday, April 15, 2006

There’s a fine line between Narcissism and Arrogance

… ongoing spluttering of ideas that I am not even sure make any sense…so pardon the confusion ;)

When I say we are all narcissistic it is meant to show that humans in general are a self-centered species. We had to be in the olden days, as a survival mechanism. There is probably only one relationship in where someone is completely selfless and that is the relationship between a mother and a child.

I mentioned that it was a good thing to own ones narcissism as well as their insecurities. But there is a point that has to be made; there is a big difference between being confident and being arrogant.

Here is an example:

Confidence – “I am hot”

Arrogance – “I am hotter than you.”

Confidence – “I am smart”

Arrogance – “I am smarter than you.”

Arrogance is just insecurity in a different mask. When somebody feels they have to “one up” people, outdo people, and remind people that they are better they are just overcompensating for their insecurity.

Here in lies the basic foundational secret in forming successful human relations. People don’t like you based upon what you have done in life, who you know, how successful you are, or how much money you have. People like you based upon how you make them feel. Make someone feel good and you will never be forgotten. Spend the entire time shouting from the rooftops about the great job you have, how smart you are, how special you are and you will get nowhere. Why should this be important? After all who cares what people think right? There is the other balance. You should not care what people think, but you shouldn’t alienate people either. The right people will love you no matter what, even if you are arrogant. But, wouldn’t you want to make those you love and who love you feel good? That is the difference.

Arrogance is like a mask of false perfection. And, like I said before, no one likes the hero to be perfect. Then again no one likes someone who is around him or her where all they talk about what is wrong with him or her. Balance.

For the guys who read this – that is why when you try to impress a girl with “I’m so great” stories your chances of a second date dwindle.

It is a delicate balance - to believe in your worth enough and be humble enough. To know your value and love yourself but to maintain that you are not better than anyone.

This is why I wrote about being ok about being narcissistic and insecure. You need to find the balance of both. Go too far one way and you become this pity party table for one. Go the other way and people wont be able to relate to you and you will alienate.

I am reminded of one of my all time favorite poems by Kipling.

…” If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings -nor lose the common touch,”

Spend a few minutes a day making people you love feel special and feel good. You would be surprised how far a sincere compliment goes. This is why successful bosses take time to give positive feedback, happy employees like their jobs and those that like their jobs do better. If you want to make a guy feel special, ask him about something you know nothing about. Admit you know nothing about it. Make him feel good about knowing something you don’t.

The truly sexy person tells others they are sexy and believes they are too.

The very unsexy person tells everyone how sexy THEY are and never tells anyone they are.

So how do we find this balance?

Once we start seeing ourselves are perfectly imperfect humans, all different yet all the same. And, we own everything about us good and bad and love ourselves no matter what. That is when the balance naturally comes because we will see others that way as well.

Easy to say, but not easy to do. Yet sometimes the things that seem so hard only take one flip of a switch.

Stay Tuned Next Week for an essay on the virtures of baseball and disneyland - and why both are essential for survival :)

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Strengths and Weakness. Doing What You Love

I love my boss. I really love my boss. She is the type of woman who would never belittle. She gives feedback without making you feel like shit. She will give constructive criticism but at the same time discuss your strengths.

She buys me this book called “First Break All The Rules, Now Discover Your Strengths” And brings me into her office to discuss my strengths and weaknesses in my job.

See this is my first real office type job. I was a dance teacher for almost 8 years. Then when I worked at the Corporate Office of Hot Topic, it was very micro managed and structured. I knew what I had to do each and every minute. This is the first job where I actually have responsibilities that lie solely on me. So I have learned a lot.

So my boss brings me into her office because we have not had a one on one (she likes those) in a few months and she asks me if having this job has made me sway one way or another on what I want to do. She says it in a way where I can be honest.

I tell her I have learned so much and feel I am getting better at what we both know are my weakness (effective time management, follow up, normal office type stuff).

She tells me that she knows I am but the strengths she sees in me she does not see in an office type setting when it comes to picking a career.

“Let me start by telling you that everyone loves you here. You fit in well. You get along with everyone. I notice strengths in you that I only see in one in a million people. Now tell me what is it that you love.”

So I tell her.

“Do you know what I love? Do you know what I love to do? I love to sit here and create strategic management grids. When I do that time just flies by. You see if you have a job you love, time flies by. You are an amazing talker. You are amazing with people. You are an amazing writer. I have to wonder if you majored in communications because you thought that is what it was. You know this job is just a part time job you have while you are in school. We love you at this job but we both know you don’t want to be an admin assistant and when I see your strengths I don’t see you in this setting after school either”

I swear, her honesty is so refreshing. When she says this to me she is talking to me like a mentor, not a boss. She is saying this because she wants to see me graduate with an idea of what I want. I do well at my job, but it is defiantly not my strength.

“To tell you the truth L, I have been at a cross roads. I have learned so much in this job. This is my first big office job working with people with college degrees and I had notice that Marketing is more like business than anything. I have been thinking about what it is I really want to do. I want to write. I want to write a book. I love people, I love reading people.”

This conversation is so funny because, there was a girl that used to work in the office (see previous post about girl I couldn’t stand) who was 22, with a high powered job, already had a stock portfolio, was so organized it was gross, never seemed stressed, always had a new outfit, and found time to cook. She was always one step ahead of the game and found little weird ways to organize her work that I could not think of in my lifetime. When I had this conversation with my boss she alluded to, when she was talking about strengths and such, that some people, like “people that have worked here are extremely organized but they are not warm and not good people people.” I knew she was talking about her and I didn’t say anything. However, it made sense to me.

Then she says something to me that just hit home with me. She said, “Rachel, just because someone might have something you don’t, it only means you have something they don’t. Just because you might not fit in a certain career, means you are a perfect fit in another. Knowing how to make graphs, keep files neat, and knowing business only works here, what you have, you can work in a million settings and excel.”

She is right. Just because we don’t fit a model criteria does not mean we don’t fit anywhere. Some of us naturally don’t have that business sense in them. I could never do data analysis, grids, and the like and that is ok… I got something else.

And, I fit somewhere

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

The Little Things We Do To Make Life Fun

I put on my ruffled panties, blare “Out Tonight” and do the dance that Mimi does. (Or any happy song of the moment)

What is it about dancing that gets you completely in tune with your body? You feel the beat and your body moves along with it. Your pulse begins to match the music and your hips begin to shake or sway to the melody. You feel sexy and you feel like there is nothing in this world except you and the music.

I eat chocolate

75% cocoa – very dark. Very rich. Very perfect. Chocolate has actually been linked to raising your serotonin levels, which is why so many women crave it during PMS when their levels drop.

I go to a concert

Live music makes that cd come alive. It makes the singer become a real person. It makes you completely immerse yourself in the music for two hours or three hours or four hours (if you are Prince). When you listen to a cd it usually accompanies another part of your life. You listen to it in your car, or while you are writing, or while you are cleaning. When you are at a concert there is nothing else.

I go to a baseball game

Many think baseball is boring because sometimes it looks like nothing is happening. To me, it is like a game of chess and the players are the pieces. It is most exciting to figure it out, learn the stats and predict the movies. There are also so many games in a season that you never know how something is going to turn out. It is like a very long scary movie with a lot of twists and turns throughout and you have no idea how it ends..up until the last inning. It is the most exciting sport out there.

I Run

Running is hard. Running is like pain. But the feeling you get, this incredible high you get, makes all that pain worth it. Running and having a mile goal (the marathon) makes it worthwhile. But nothing is worthwhile unless you have fun with it, and that accomplished, high, invigorating feeling is like nothing else in the world (well except maybe one thing haha)

Life is meaningless except for the meaning you assign to it. You can assign it a bad meaning or a good one. You can make it fun or you can make it boring.You can make everything happy or make it sad. You can make it anything you want because nothing is anything until you assign it a meaning.

So Have FUN

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

We Are All A Bunch of Faulty Heros

First thing is first. I cannot begin to tell you how many emails, phone calls or comments I got regarding yesterdays blog about us being narcissists. For everyone that contacted me, most asked “Were you talking about me”? “Oh I hope that blog wasn’t about me because I know I have been…but I am not…”

I really love you all.

You all proved my point so much. We think everything is about us most of the time (not to worry its not all the time). It is human nature. And what I write, I do as well. I don’t write it to pretend I am above it all or beyond any actions I speak of because we all do it. Man I do this so much, and sometimes it gets me into trouble. Have no fear, most of the time you being narcissistic will only get you into trouble with someone if they try to pretend that they themselves are not narcissistic. The one person that did not ask me if the blog was about them was the one person that I actually made specific references to. This person, though, will freely admit he is a narcissist. He Will freely admit it and just shrug his shoulders like, “well who cares, don’t hang around me if you don’t like it.” (The attitude we all should have) So Ethan, the true narcissist. You amaze me.

This is not to say I condone bad behavior. Quite the opposite. What I do condone, however, is the ACCEPTANCE of us, wholly and completely, not just the good part of us. But acceptance of the devil inside of us because no matter how much spiritual cleansing we try to do, the devil will remain our entire lifetime.

For all you geeks reading this, think of the devil as the dark side. Everyone has it in them. To become truly evil is to give the dark side power and to immerse yourself completely in it. To accept that it is in a little part of you, you don’t give the dark side power, you just know that sometimes it can emerge in your life. Look at the dark side, accept it, acknowledge it within you, and you regain your power over it. Then and only then will it fade.

This dark side is the ego, the evil, the devil, the Voldemort. Think of all of you as Harry or Luke. You are good, but you have faults. You can be ego driven (narcissistic). Yet you are good natured. You have faults. You are connected in some way to the dark side/evil/Darth./Voldemort. In fiction we call this the hero archetype. Every hero story is the same story line. And yes, in every hero story the hero is faulty and has weaknesses. In every hero story the hero is connected to the anti-hero (blood with Luke, a prophecy with Harry). And every hero can only become a hero when he accepts that and chooses to be proactive about it rather than ego driven and reactive.

Notice how the hero is never completely pure and good? Take one of histories most famous heroes. Tom Sawyer. Tom lied, cheated, was conniving and quite arrogant. He was very flawed and yet everyone liked him. No one liked the perfect Sid. No one likes perfection.

Everyone is the hero that is why we like the storyline so much. Not one of us is purely good or purely evil. We do bad things. We do good things. But in order to complete our mission to become great self actualized human beings, we must accept our dark sides.

You would be amazed at yourself and how much better you would all feel if you just sat down, alone, and admitted to yourself what you really felt were your faults. The problem is, instead of doing this we project what we feel is wrong with us onto other people. Other people don’t have the control, only we have control of ourselves.

So I suggest we all sit down, really get to the nitty gritty of our faults. Make a list if you must. Then make the decision that you will accept every single one of those things on that list about yourself. Get to the place where you can honestly say, “I accept and love myself exactly as I am right now.” Then you will see true changes in yourself.

If you have any problems trying to figure out what things about yourself you think are faults. (As most people do because we hate to look at ourselves with any introspection we only like to look at others and tell them their faults) then make a list of all the people that annoy, irritate, and just plain piss you off. Write down what you think is wrong with them. THAT is the list of what you think are you faults. Yes what you think about others is really what you think about yourselves.

Guess what happens when you start to accept these faults of yours? All those irritating, annoying people that piss you off really don’t bother you anymore.

I will give some examples. There was a girl I worked with who just pissed me off so much. I always thought, well she is just jealous or she is just arrogant. Well guess what, I was jealous of her! Or how my mother irritates me so much because she is needy. Well, that means I think I am needy and don’t accept that part of me. (Of course my grandpa says all women are but that is beside the point). Try it, and you just might be shocked about what you find.

I already pointed out that we are all both narcissistic and insecure. Accept that first. Then you will one day get to a point where you can honestly say, “Yeah I am needy. So sue me. Get over it. I need a hug.”

Remember, what we accept as faults become quirks. What are quirks make us unique. People stop pissing us off so much because we have taken back the power over the dark side. Dip into the dark side but don’t dive into it. You have the ability to align yourself with your good side (loving yourself) or your devil (ego, pride, hating yourself)

If we get to somewhere in the middle with acceptance of both and I say we would all be in a much better place.

Now I need a hug, and a kiss, and some sparkly things. Hey I am needy, what do you expect.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Narcissists and Insecurity

First off I must give a big Happy Birthday to the King of all Fucktards. My big brother, the big asshole is 27 today. I suppose I am supposed to say something nice about him to all of you who read this (all 20 of you!). Well…ummmmm….he is really smart. Oh what the hell, he is an egotistical, thinks-he’s-better-than-everyone, buffoon but he is also very caring and protective of those he loves. He is shy in many social situations but it is cute because it shows his weakness. He might brag to me about Hall of Fame trips he gets to take, but when it comes down to playing matchmaker with me and rock stars…he is always thinking of his lil sis. So, here is a BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the best brother a girl could ask for, because without you I would never have learned how to kick a guy where it really hurts back when I was five.

Moving on…

Narcissism. It is it a word that has always been used as a way of belittling someone else. If people don’t like what they see in the mirror they are insecure. If they look in the mirror and like what they see they are narcissistic. Rarely does anyone compliment someone and say, “Wow they are confident, how endearing.” No, they must be narcissistic. It has always been my belief that truly confident people are the only people who don’t think another confident person is overly narcissistic. Basically if you are ok with yourself then you are ok with others.

Rather than label I have to wonder, aren’t we all a little bit narcissistic. How many of you always glance at yourself in the mirror if you happen to be walking past one. How many of you stare at yourself as you walk past reflections in windows? Does anyone else catch the glimpse of their butts as they walk by store windows? Don’t we all love talking about ourselves. What happens the second we do something great or accomplish something? We tell somebody. We call our spouses from work, we text a friend, we announce it on myspace. It is our little way of telling the world, “Hey look at me. I am awesome!”

How many of us name drop if we know famous people? (not that I know anyone like that or anything hehe) How many of us keep blogs, thinking that what we do with our day and what we think is so important other people have to know?

We are all narcissistic. Some of us are mind narcissists. Others are physical narcissists. Many are both. We flash that smile when we know it is a weapon. We wear tight pants and sway our asses when we walk because we know it gets ‘em every time. We stare at ourselves in the mirror. We ask somebody, “Do I look fat in this”? When the answer is not what we are looking for but rather validation. We do many a thing to try to draw attention to our assets in the hopes that people will not notice the other side of us..the insecure side; The side where vulnerability lies.

The insecure part of us is something no one likes to talk about. We have no problem stating what we think about others, but how many of us would tell a stranger, “Ya know sometimes I sit in my room and wonder why anyone would love me, I am so stupid.” But we all think it at one time or another. It doesn’t matter what we are insecure about, ALL of us are insecure about something. Some of us hate our bodies. Some men think they will never be a huge success. Some women hate their thighs. Some women are so afraid that people would see through them they hide behind mini skirts and gallons of lip stick, because God forbid anyone sees who they really are.

Can you imagine what this world would be like if everyone had to say out load exactly what their inner self talk were saying right at that moment.

In the dressing room…”Oh look at me, I have to say all that running has done my ass good. Oh but look at that boobs, I think they could be slightly bigger…and what is this? Why can’t my skin be flawless? What is going on with my legs, they just are not long enough..I need to be stretched.”

At a job interview – “ Well I have excelled in this and this and that. I am very responsible and productive (while thinking please don’t see my desperation. Please don’t see how bad I need this. Please think I am smart enough. If you don’t I might go home and fall into a deadly pit of self wallowing madness.)”

On a date – (thinking: well she likes to laugh man make a joke) “So I - insert lame joke here-“ (damnit man that wasn’t funny. Why can’t you be funnier? What are you a moron? Look at that blank look on her face!)

When it comes down to it all of us possess qualities of both narcissism and insecurity. We can try to hide it. I say we should all celebrate it. If you think you are hot stuff, go ahead and think you are hot stuff! Who cares what anyone thinks, you are sexy! You are beautiful! You have a sparkling smile that can bring any man to his knees. If you think you are smart – shout out your weird words and better than thou attitude. If you think you are funny, go ahead and be funny. If you think your stomach is growing a little too rapidly, embrace that stomach – make it your unique thing, be charming about it. If you think you are less educated on a subject, admit it. Ask questions if you want. Don’t be afraid to say “Well I know absolutely nothing about that, I would love for you to tell me about it since you are so educated.”

Face it – we are all self absorbed. We are insecure and self absorbed in our insecurity. We are cocky and self absorbed in our cockiness. I tend to think that is what makes us all so so cool. The best part of life is figuring out people. Seeing their weak spots. Seeing what they love about themselves. Seeing what they honestly love about themselves and seeing what things they have hidden deep down, under the surface, making them human.

Once again – Happy Birthday Fucktard! You may have been an undiagnosed Autistic your whole life, but you are still the best brother ever. Of course, the only brother I have, so therefore the best be default. :)

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Baseball and More of What I Want

My sister- in – law says the best way to figure out what you want is to figure out what you don’t want first.

She told me to take everything I loved about my ex and make those qualities I look for in a future person, (So I did that, see previous wants list) And then add others as they come. And if a date comes around where they have a quality I hate then put the opposite of that quality on my wants and needs. So my ex had lots of qualities I look for in a guy – so I started there and make that want list. Then proceed further…

So there is this guy, lets call him lawyer. The past couple of weeks he has helped me figure out what I want by giving me exactly what I don’t want. EXACTLY

First – Lawyers have no sense of humor so I want someone who is not a lawyer.
I mean the jokes are just not cool. The jokes are not funny. They remind me of the guy in the room at a party who is not at ease with himself and can’t go with the flow of conversation so tries to be funny and has horrible timing and delivery and just ends up having people stare at him like, HUH?

Second – Confidence is key and confidence in a social situation is even more key, I guess this means they must be CHARMING

Third – they CAN”T be intimidated by me. I know I can be very pushy and demanding but the right guys I have been with have always been very good at grounding me. (Not in the way a teacher grounds a child you naughty people with dirty thoughts!) I know I can be a smart ass but if a guy gets insecure around me and can’t rise up to the smart-ass occasion then he won’t cut it. So what I want is a guy who can be a smart ass and deal with my smart assiness.

Fourth - My natural personality is very touchy feely and flirty and passionate. So if I don’t like a guy I don’t want to lead him on so I can’t be my normal flirty self. I have to put my hands in my lap and be reserved so pheromones and chemistry is a MUST. Attraction is a must. Sexual chemistry is a MUST. If I can’t wait to start kissing you then that is a good thing…if I start looking at your mouth and making a plan never to go near it – not good.

Fifth - If on a third date a guy stops opening the door – pfft see ya later. So I want a guy who is chivalrous.

Sixth - The ability to sit back, relax, not be so serious and just have fun is such a key. Major political jabs so soon are such a turn off especially when they make a comment that, “Well I think most well educated people are liberals” – get ready for a slap in the face. Then proceed to shoot me down when I state my opinion. Now gather I don’t have as many talking points as some others and I know people can be passionate about their political views…but don’t try to hinder mine and then proceed to ask me on a fourth date cause you just wont get one. I guess I must have set him off when I said the words “Well the liberal media…”

Seventh – You don’t get to stare at my ass until I say it is ok to stare at it. I see where your eyes are, I am not blind.

Eighth – A guy has to see the value and need for buying season tickets to a baseball game. If they wonder how someone could go to all those games – chuck them.

Ninth – Take charge. Be a man. What girl (well at least not me) wants to date a pussy? If you are scared to take control of me then you will be forever walked on.

Tenth – I get what I want. I ask for what I want. Give it to me or tell me no and then kiss me. Don’t tell me yes all the time. Don’t be a pushover.

So I learned some more specifics.

II am about to go on my first 9 mile run.

I am so so so so so nervous.

Opening Day was exciting as hell. I couldn’t stop smiling. I will give a more detailed update on that later. But I had a blast and even made some new friends.


Friday, April 07, 2006

Sometimes Odd Things Work Again

Amy - When will you admit that running water and the foreman don't go together? When will you admit you broke it? When will you be a man and admit you are wrong? You can't get mad at me for something you did!

Ethan - I'm too arrogant for that. I'll admit it tomorrow.

Amy - FINE

The next day Amy, just for kicks tries the foremen once again.

It works.


At least he learned his lesson - no electronics under water.

Amy's birthday is today and Ethan's is on Monday. Things are getting bigger on the horizon for Ethan in the media world. Good things always happen near birthdays.

So a big Happy Birthday to AMY NICOLE.
Sometimes Odd Things Work Again

Amy - When will you admit that running water and the foreman don't go together? When will you admit you broke it? When will you be a man and admit you are wrong? You can't get mad at me for something you did!

Ethan - I'm too arrogant for that. I'll admit it tomorrow.

Amy - FINE

The next day Amy, just for kicks tries the foremen once again.

It works.


At least he learned his lesson - no electronics under water.

Amy's birthday is today and Ethan's is on Monday. Things are getting bigger on the horizon for Ethan in the media world. Good things always happen near birthdays.

So a big Happy Birthday to AMY NICOLE.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

When smart people do odd things part deux

The foremen never started working...

My parents house is under heavy construction. My mom can't handle dust. So they decided to trek on over to the local Marriott for some R&R over the next few days.

They get to their first room and it smells like smoke and there is some weird buzzing generator type sound. They ask to relocate and their request is granted.

They get to their next room and it smells like peaches n' cream but my mother can still hear that generator sound. She is so tired, all she wants to do is get some sleep but that buzzing wouldn't stop. So maitenence comes up, looks around, can't find anything. He tells her he is going to go look around the property to see if there is any construction work being done near their room. He can't find it.

They tell her she can have another room. Their request is granted.

She gets to that room and still she hears the generator sound!

Until she looks in her bag and sees her electric tooth brush has been on and buzzing the entire time!

She apologizes for being difficult, though I think they just thought it was funny...and probably relieved it was a toothbrush and not some other vibrating device.

In other news...

There is this guy, lets call him Lawyer, who lives in a quaint beachy cottage near the water. Lawyer is clean cut, handsome, loves his mom and even likes babies and volunteers to help his siblings out with their kids. He works out everyday and surfs. He is respectable and likes the finer things in good music. He is one of those guys who is good on paper (and we all know what Samantha said about guys that are good on paper.) He is one of those guys where they are perfect but their lack of any imperfections kind of freaks you out, or makes you bored.


I find out..

Lawyer has a bird, a parrot who likes to talk. Parrot proceeds to try to steal the phone away from lawyer and skwak at me. So Lawyer reprimand the bird. HE REPRIMANDED HIS BIRD!! "No M*** don't you do that, that's not nice."

He baby talked to his bird. Smart Lawyer = baby talk to talking parrot. Does anyone else see the irony in this? Add it to my list of odd things smart people do.

I should be weirded out. Strangely I find this amusing. But at least I know now he is not perfect lawyer, he is quirky Lawyer...with a parrot that talks.

So far I have found out that smart people:

a) run electric appliances under water to clean them
b) forget umbrellas in work clothes during a down pour.
c) mistake a vibrating toothbrush for a generator and become difficult with hotel staff
d) baby talk to birds.

I might have to add onto this. Please feel free to let me know anything all you smarty pants people out there do. :)

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

When Smart People Do Odd Things

So I am driving to work this morning and I see the sun shining through the clouds a bit and thank goodness because I forgot my umbrella.

We have to park way far away and as soon as I park and get out of my car a complete down pour falls over me. I am totally wet in as little as five seconds.

I see some other people walking, one guy has an umbrella...a HUGE umbrella.

So I walk a little faster in the hopes of maybe stealing a little bit of it until this girl who ran faster (she was in sneakers and I in heels which were now soaked) ran under his umbrella.

A friend drives past me, "Hey Rach, where is your umbrella"

"Eh I forgot one" as I am trying to hurry..just a few hundred more yards. Thank God I did not wear white pants or a white shirt.

I get in the building.

I look as if I just took a shower with all my clothes on.

My hair looks like a drowned rat.

My everything is just...soaked.

My boss walks in to the office..."Eh, Rachel did you dive into the puddles"?

My co worker walks in "Can I get you some coffee to warm you up Rach?" (as my lips are turning blue.)

So how was my day at work? It was soaking wet. And I feel rather stupid because a simple umbrella would have fixed the entire problem. :/

In other news...

My brother is like the smartest person I know. He is stubborn and he is lacking in some people skills and commonsense, but he is like a mini Bill Gates and is like super genius annoying smart. So last night Amy wants to cook some things on the foremen and before she does that Ethan decides he needs to clean said formen.

So what does the smartest, geekiest, techiest guy I know do?

Grabs the foremen and RUNS IT UNDER THE WATER.

Wonders why it won't work.

Eventually gets mad because me and Amy are making fun of him.

Says it will work in the morning. HUH?

I guess sometimes the smartest people we know do some really stupid shit. I guess now I can feel better about looking like a wet noodle.


Tuesday, April 04, 2006

My Life That Was. My Life That Will Be.

Sometimes I am so angry and hurt and sometimes I am filled with an overwhelming sense of love that I feel like the clouds have parted just over me and the sun is shining into my eyes showing me a future filled with hope.

I look at my past and feel everything. I feel hurt and pain. Yet I feel love all the same. The fact is my past has been spectacular. More recent my past has been loving and kind and genuine. And I look into my future with the hope that I will create that love once again.

It is hard to let go when something felt so good. It is like the last episode of Sienfeld. I always wonder why they stopped the show, quit while they were on top, and I wonder how they dealt with it.

When somebody loves you, and says they will always love you, but then sets out to hurt you, how do you walk away with only memories of the love and none of the hurt? I guess my best answer would be determination. I am determined to ignore the hurt and just bless my memories with a past that was good and whole and special.

Walking forward is rarely done without looking back a few times. I am walking forward nonetheless, however hard it is. The new baseball season is coming and Friday I will have a good time. I will dress cute, wear my jersey and cheer for my team. However, I would be lying if I didn't wish that the person sitting next to me was my old baseball buddy instead of my new one. I can't pretend this season will be more amazing than last just because I am trying to look on the bright side of life.

I can't pretend that I am going to be at that concert, wishing the person standing next to me was someone else.

I can't pretend that this new guy kissing me is the same or better or best.

But that wouldn't be hopeful then would it?

I guess it is just different. I guess I just miss my best friend.

I am not speaking out of pride. I am not speaking from my ego. I am speaking from my heart. I will always look at my past with love and respect. I will never in a million years set out to hurt my past or lay blame. But I have to let go and regain my hope. Because you know what Red says, "Hope is a good thing, and no good thing ever dies." I guess that is how I feel about everything. The good memories and the good times never die. They find a special spot in your heart and make it that much stronger.

And whenever I am feeling down I am reminded of the Death Cab song, "Someday You Will Be Loved."

You'll be loved you'll be loved.
Like you never have known.

And amidst all this pain and sadness and this emptiness in my life where something special once stood, I am reminded that no matter what anyone thinks of me, no matter what anyone thinks of themselves, no matter who we are...

we all deserve to be loved and we all will find love.

And that is my one wish for everyone.

My wish is for everyone to be loved the way I have been loved my entire life. My wish is for everyone to never have to feel pain or sadness. My wish is for everyone to know in their heart of hearts that they are valuable and worthy of love in its truest form. My wish is for everyone to believe in their dreams and follow their yellow brick road. My wish is for everyone to believe they are never alone. The whole world of love, success, fulfillment, inner peace, and happiness is there for everyone's taking..all you have to do is believe in yourself.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Me, Myself, and Love

When somebody feels like they have something to prove, it usually means they are insecure with whomever or whatever they have to prove it to.

I know I have done this many times and probably most people do it a lot as well, even though it seems rather unhealthy.

More recently, I started dating again. Not because I wanted to but mainly because I wanted to prove to people, friends, and family that I was so over it. That I had moved on. And a part of me wanted to prove to myself that I had the "X Factor," that I had that special something and damnit I was going to prove it.

So I went on a few dates. Really nice guys. Sweet and thoughtful. Fun times were had by all. But I realized my intentions were not aligned with goodness. I know what it is like to find out someone was using you or trying to hurt you to feed their ego. Neither of these guys deserve that. I am better than that. I knew from the start I was not going to jump into something serious with these guys. However, they didn't know that. As soon as I realized they had feelings, I knew I was not honoring my respect for myself to deceive someone to try to prove something. I do credit them for helping me get over a few things because a fun night out is a fun night out, but it is never a good idea to use someone else, it comes back to bite you in the ass. In fact, it is never a good idea to do anything to provoke jealousy, rage, anger, resentment, or sadness. Thank goodness I never kissed any of them. I always was told that when we are not aligned with goodness we can tell. We get a bad feeling in our tummies or whatnot. Well I realized that by forcing myself to date and act all cute and smile to make a guy I don't care about melt, is not out of goodness. Is it bred out of a lack and that is not what I am about. I forgive myself for it, but I am better than envy.

Good thing I got some new friends out of it. And a new baseball buddy too! :)

The fact is, I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I know my value, and I know my worth. I don't have to get anything, do anything, or be anyone different just to raise my value to someone because it exists inside me. I don't have to have a certain career, act a certain way, try to make others jealous, or anything to raise my worth. Because doing that only brings down our own self-worth. And those that see my "X Factor" won't care anyway.

None of it is worth it. No one is worth it.

I am not going to try to do anything to prove to someone, "Hey I am a star!"

So for now, I am not going to be actively dating as of yet. I know in my heart of hearts that when true love is meant to be, the guy worthy will come no matter what I do, where I am, and how perfect I am not.

If a date presents itself, and I feel like going, then great, fabulous, I just might go.

But for now all I want to do is focus on me. What I want. What I need. What I want to do. Because I realize now that doing something just to show people that you can do it does not come from a good place. It comes from a place of lack (fear) rather than love (everything else in the entire world).

I am still open to true love. And, I know it will happen exactly at the moment that God wants it to happen. I know I will probably end up in New York, but I want to make sure I am going because it is my path rather than going to run away from something or to prove to someone I can do it.

that's the ironic thing about proof. We try to prove things to other people but in reality we only need to prove them to ourselves. Trying to prove things to other people gives them the power. Proving it to ourselves gives us the power. We prove it to ourselves and everyone else believes it as well. It is the law of paradoxal intent.

I woke up this morning at peace. I was peaceful because I realized I didn't need to do anything but whatever I wanted to do for me and the RIGHT things will happen at the RIGHT time. I realized the best thing for my honor was to figure out what I wanted, write it down, then let it go with trust and expectation, then just live my life and just BE ME. I stopped caring. I stopped caring what certain people thought of me or didn't think of me. I just stopped caring. I just want to go back to ME. Being ME just means that I don't have to act tough. I don't have to act nonchalant. I don't have to act like a scared puppy and I don't have to be confident and cocky all the time either. In reality we are all of these things. And some people who actually see it, can manifest their own destiny. It does not take control, it takes releasing that control and letting things unfold how they are supposed to. It is trusting in the process, knowing that a soul mate comes when it is supposed to, the dream job comes when it is supposed to, and happiness comes this very second when we can appreciate what we already have right now this moment and welcome any extras. It is not about wanting what we can't have, it is about loving what we have right now and THAT is what gives us the ability to get more. Because, why would God give you something if you hate what he has already given you. Ain't that stupid. That's the whole secret anyway, trusting in the process. That's what Kafka meant when he said, "You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait. Do not even wait, be quite still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice. It will roll in ecstasy at your feet." That silence is an inner knowing and an inner trust in the ability to live the life we imagined. Or at least the belief that we are love, no matter what. And, there is nothing we need to do different to achieve those dreams than to just love what is. So I am trying that. That, above all else, is what gives us the REAL "X Factor."

Anyways, I mentioned earlier that I wrote down things I wanted. I did this because, although the goal is to be happy no matter what (which I am getting better at each day) the other goal is to know what we want, and then to trust it will come when it is supposed to. Knowing what we want, but not forcing the outcomes gives us a guideline of where to go.

So Here is what I want:

From Myself - I want to focus on what I have, rather than what I don't. I want to do nothing out of fear but everything out of love. I want to finish the half marathon and then do the marathon. I want to work out everyday and make sure I do at least one thing a day just for me. I want to graduate college and get my degree either in New York or here. If it is here then I want to move to New York after, if I finish in New York then fantabulous. I want to pursue my love for writing and get a career that I love because of it. I want to never get rid of my passions. I want to go to every concert I want to see and I want to catch as many baseball games this season as I can. I want to see the Angels go all the way to the playoffs again and hopefully even farther than that. I want to welcome change with an open mind. I want to marinate in my womanhood and sexiness. I want to sleep naked more often and smile as much as I can. I want to read a book a week and help those that need it. I want to never stop loving. I want to never become cynical (I will leave that to you Ethan). I want to make someone's day better with just a hug and a smile. I want to talk to strangers. I want to go on a road trip by myself. I want to inspire people to love themselves a little more. I want to always have the ass I do now, even after I have kids. I want to never be afraid of a little bit of chocolate. I want to dance under the stars to the music of my favorite band. I want to party with rock stars. I want to kiss like there is no one else I would rather kiss. I want to always love myself, even when I am feeling bad about myself. I want to catch a foul or homerun ball. I want to dress up, pamper myself, and feel like the sexy bitch that I am. And, most of all, I want to never give up on people that I love and always remind them to believe in the beauty of their dreams.

What I want in my soul mate:

A guy whose eyes sparkle a little when he smiles. A guy who has committed to memory the freckles on my nose. A guy who thinks it is adorable when I burp and ladylike when I don't. A guy who can't get enough of me when I look all pretty and dressed up and can't get enough of me when I am in sweats with my hair messed up. A guy who loves that I have to some things on my own (hello shopping, no men allowed) but loves that I need him. A guy who looks me in the eye and tells me, "I have no idea what is going to happen in life but the one thing I am sure of is I want you there to kiss me goodnight for the rest of my life because I can't lose you." A guy who would never let me go. A guy who is strong and yet caring., Who loves baseball but also music and arty stuff. A guy who knows I am a strong woman but wants to take care of me anyway. A guy who can't keep his hands off of me. A guy who gives me butterflies but makes me feel safe and secure at the same time. A guy who is smart and loves to let me learn. A guy who I can eat hamburgers with and not worry about ketchup slipping down my chin. A guy who I can want and need and hug and kiss freely without ever having to worry he might freak out and run. A guy who would travel 500 miles to see his favorite band and travel 500 miles to see me. A guy who knows how to laugh and make me laugh. A guy who laughs even when I am not being funny. A guy who knows that being serious is only fun half the time. A guy who can be shallow one minute and deep the next. A guy who, when the going get tough, moves a little closer. A guy who cares about his family. A guy who can make me laugh. A guy I have passion and chemistry with. A guy who is protective, even when he knows I can make it on my own. A guy who would love to spend Sunday afternoons at the ballpark. A guy who would understand my obsession with REM. A guy who has interests that are not mind and I can learn about. A guy who has passion, but does not make it his whole life. A guy who makes your heart stop just for a second and tries new things to keep things fun. A guy who is mature and has gone through many things in life, making him strong and manly. A guy who would kiss my forehead when he thought I was asleep.

Well that's about it. With that, I am just trusting that everything happens for a reason, everything happens when it is supposed to happen, and I am just going to sit back, be myself, do my own thing and believe in the beauty of my dreams.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Running hard makes you burp

OK now I know when a cute girl burps or whatnot it can be endearing.

And my burps are never big giant loads.

BUT..last night I just could not stop burping.

When you run really hard and drink water at the same time you take in a lot of air.

So I burped it out. But then I kept burping and burping and burping.

I couldn't hold it in.

Thank goodness it was a loud concert or THAT would have been embarrassing.