Thursday, April 20, 2006

The Office Is Empty This Morning

OK we all do weird shit when we in the privacy of our own company.

Carrie Bradshaw called this “Secret Single Behavior” stuff she would never do in front of Big (now that they ended up together in the last episode I imagine she now waits until he is away at work).

We all do it. For Carrie it was eating saltines standing up while reading Vogue. For Charlotte it was studying her pours in the mirror. Miranda put Vaseline on her hands put them in manicure softening gloves and watched the cooking channels, and Samantha claimed she had none.

So my SSB usually involves dancing around the living room to sexy dance music. Who knows why but I just like doing it. I remember dances and do those as well. My most recent dance is the strip dance Mimi does in Rent and I even have the ruffled Brazilian shorts to dance with.

My other SSB involves reading really cheesy “chick lit” and even tearing up at the end when the heroine always lands the guy of her dreams…awwwww

My other SSB involves taking an obscene amount of time in the shower, exfoliating with some weird ginger salt scrub, shaving every last hair off my entire lower body (uh yeah), and then using my most precious lotions and face masks while wearing my very special terry cloth bathrobe complete with matching slippers.

SSB behavior is meant for when you are alone. For all you married folks out there, I know you have SSB that you save for those special times when your hubby is away on business or when the wife is out with the girls. Don’t be ashamed, tell me what it is.

So anyway, last night, I engaged in some SSB of the dancing around in my underwear pretending to be an exotic dancer variety. This was not known to me, but my blinds were not shut all the way. I live on the first floor, my patio faces a courtyard where the pool is and traffic can be heavy out there. I hear some laughing. It is gay (or just smart) neighbor walking his puppy.

AM I supposed to run out there and explain I am not some nutty person but just rather doing my ritual SSB? He won’t understand. How can he not understand he is gay! (or smart)

Embarrassment consumes me and I run over and pull the blinds completely shut. I throw on my PJ pants and sulk down onto the sofa where I watch tivo and chat until it is time for bed.

SSB is only meant for your eyes.

Oh the shame

In other thoughts on this beautiful Thursday morning when I am alone in the office...

I really hate the fact that I have grown obsessed with baseball. Why you ask? Well I get really sad when my team plays really bad and loses. I take it personally. LIke they were trying to piss me off. And damnit, they really tried to piss me off. Was it because I was not there? When they play well I get giddy. When they suck balls (literally) I get kinda down. Dear Lord what is happening to me. I have become the girl that can go to every home game possible and be happy. Oh dear

I love the fact that Tom Cruise is all about being the best dad EVER and yet the night his girlfriend gave birth he left her side to go talk about it on the news....freaking priceless

My neighbors dog is the most precious new puppy I have ever seen. It is the exact dog I want. A little Yorkie who thinks he is big. My dog is going to be a boy and he will be so handsome. I will dress him a baseball jersey or maybe a rally monkey costume. I once was a game where this couples baby was dressed as a rally monkey. I think it might have been the cutest thing I have ever seen. So that is what I will do with my new puppy.

I have no idea what my future holds. And I miss my past and my best friend. But, my present is looking very bright...weird things are happening. But, good weird things. I guess that is all anyone can hope for. A good present. Well also a good present that comes in a box with a bow is nice too. I really like blue boxes. Little blue boxes that are always wrapped with a simple white ribbon...yummm

1 comment:

Dustin said...

this post has webcam potential written all over it.

....shit was I talking outloud?

As I was reading this, I heard hearts breaking across the globe. Why must you tease all your readers like that? Articles like this only contribute to many a man's ssb. You fill in the blanks.


I can't say I can think of anything off the top of my head.
Maybe I'm just good at blocking them out. Ignorance is bliss right?
I'll have to think about this.