Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Lazy Days – Few and Far Between…But Oh So Fun

What I did yesterday

8:00 AM Woke up..crap its too early need more sleep

8:30 AM Ouch how did THAT get sore? Need water

9:30 AM – slog out of bed

10:00 AM shower and cover myself with aloe

10:30 – 3:30 - sat on the sofa, chatted, talked on the phone, watched two movies , ate chocolate cake, internet window shopped (damn I want that Bebe dress…oh loveeee that handbag wish I could afford said handbag),

4:00 – 5:00 – had to leave the house for an appointment – went to said appointment in the juicy sweats I went to bed in…forgot to brush hair.

5:00 – 9:30 – sat on sofa, chatted, watched some Sex and the City, ate more food, tried to rub the kink out of my legs, took a little nap, checked baseball game progress…wished had enough money for mlb direct tv package

10:00 – 12 – left the house – same sweats – to a movie…

12 – came home, took a bath, read some Ovid, went to bed ..took the sweats off

my sofa got some lovin today

What a perfectly lazy day :)

And ladies how much do you love a) Moulin Rouge and b) juicy terry sweat pants c) sateen panties d)cocoa butter body oil e) Love Actually f)fudge cake g) silk h)Aruban pure aloe I) Massages and J) warm breezy nights and K)Ovid

Now a day that combines all of those and doesn’t involve having to work or even move….priceless

Damn too bad today is going to be busy again..ahh well at least I got one lazy day.

So tell me – what do you all love to do on lazy days?

Tuesday, May 30, 2006


I hope everyone had a great Memorial Day..Mine was action packed and eventful.

I will just go into the straight big news but first I have to explain why it is big news..

I have been a dancer since I was three years old. I have a jazz dancers body (so not a ballerina lol) and that is what I always thought it was built for. When I was a hard core dancer is gave me direction and purpose and goals to look forward to. I have medals and trophies and memories and all that but when it ended I just resorted to gym exorcize to keep me sane and my girly figure in tact. But I had no goals to look forward to; it was just go to the gym everyday do 30-45 minutes of cardio and then weights.

So six months or so ago I started jogging on the treadmill. I was sore and tired after three miles but I got this crazy thing in my head that I was going to start training for a half marathon and then do a full marathon. Dude I was slow and could barely run three miles because running is very different than the Stairmaster or elliptical machine. So I went out and joined a running team and started training for a half marathon. I cant begin to tell you how many times I was so scared going to the river trail on Saturday morning because on that day we had a five miler and I had never done that before. And the day we had eight I panicked. But running did a ton for me (as I keep saying).

To explain - I am a girl who has to have high thread count sheets, who puts special lotion on her body morning and night, who wears 20-dollar panties just because I like them. I can’t lift heavy objects, am overprotected and such, and get lost in my own town. My sweats are even girly. I am a total girly girl in short. But when I am running I look horrid and don’t even care, and after the race yesterday I really looked dreadful. But I didn’t care! I felt great. I felt beautiful just because this little dancer body ran with the real runners…and did a damn good job at it! I mean I was STRONG! WOO HOOO!!

Yesterday I ran 13.1 miles, a half marathon. I ran the one of the hardest half marathons in California because 6 of the miles are a solid uphill the entire time. But I did it!

Sorry proud gushing moment for me!

How did the race go?

Miles one through five – Felt really good. Went a little too fast had to watch my pacing

Miles five through seven – Whew its getting a little hot out here, this is a hilly course, had to stop to pee in a porta poty (I never use those)

Miles eight – ten – ok this hill is tough, pain is starting, kinda tired..take some runners goo.

Mile eleven – ok four more miles four more miles..will this hill ever end? They never said anything about a hill this bad! This is a mountain! Oh that guy in front of me is gorgeous. Nice butt. Nice body. No shirt. Mind starts wondering. Whew got through that mile so fast! Am now convinced I only got through this mile quick because a hot guy with a super hot body was running shirtless in front of me and his ass was fabulous.

Mile 12 – OK two more fucking miles. I am nuts. This hill can kiss my ass except I wouldn’t feel it because it went numb a mile ago. What the hell did I get myself into? I am graceful and posed why did I think I would be able to do this? Stupid. Tired. This has got to be bad for my face remind yourself Rachel to do a face mask later to get this grime out. Ouch my feet are hurting. Ok its almost over Rachel you can do this you can do this. Screw this hill. Damn it is so hot Id rather be running this naked.

Mile 13 – ok almost there almost there almost there…euphoria kicking in, going a little faster


I don’t have my professional photos back yet but some friends and my parents had taken some. I was not sure if I should post them here. For starters try to picture me as follows:

Hair a mess
Soaking wet (from sweat and water)
Puffy (running that much causes puffy faces and hands and feet)
Half naked
In pain

You get the idea

But I have never felt more beautiful and strong ever. Cause I just had ran a half marathon, half of which was a steep uphill.

I am not nuts though so I won’t post the picture of me about 10 seconds after crossing the finish when I looked like I might keel over. Though D says I still look sexy in it but he is trying to pull me so he’d say anything. And frankly I don’t believe him LOL

Instead I will be brave and show you all me and some runners in the beer garden about 20 minutes after we finished. I still look wretched and about to keel over, but my breathing had at least gone back to normal. No judging people!! And hey the beer guy gave me his number – so it couldn’t have been that bad haha.

Anyways, I am now resting at home, and feeling really damn good and proud of myself. I have another half marathon in October and then the full one after that.

Allright time for a spa day, I need to be pampered. I need a massage and a facial and a pedicure and a mani. A mud bath would be nice too. My butt needs a massage too, it is still numb. So are my feet though. Pamper me please.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Take Me Out to the Ballgame...and then sweep me off my feet :)

I got my picture back from the Angels Race. It is a horrid picture. I am sweaty and there is no makeup on my face. I wouldn’t usually post any picture of me sweaty with no makeup on but I have to because I look so freaking happy. I guess it is a perfect example of what running does for me. Dance has always done it for me, and now running does. I know I am Ms. Advocate for cardio activity, but seriously, if there is one thing that would change your life for the better it would be to find a sport or activity that gets your juices flowing and do it most days a week.

So here is Rachel, running through the field at Angel Stadium.

told ya it was horrid...but check out where I am running!!! :)

This past week, this upcoming weekend, the half marathon, and the next few weeks are going to be hectic and crazy. I am using my time at the ballpark as more of my meditation time. Last nights game was a good one. We, thanks to Dave being out of town, got to use his club season tickets. They were seriously some of the best seats I have had there. Club level is all posh and they actually serve you food. Plus our seats were literally right next to the press box! I have to say as well, thank you to my date for the new hat..cause it is damn cute! That field at the stadium represents so much more to me than just a ballgame that most find boring. Baseball is like a game of chess, and me sitting there, figuring it out, calms my head and makes me happy.

So I showed you me running through the field, and at a game I look at that same field, and win or lose I have the time of my life. This is me..staring at the same field I got to run through :)

Sounds stupid? Well bite me hehe

I hope everyone has an awesome Memorial Day..and when you are sitting there drinking beer think of me busting my ass at the race…and then I will go drink beer. Oh yeah BJ’s has a free beer party after the race and my race bib gets me in WOO HOOO!!

Friday, May 26, 2006

P.S You Rock My World...and Weekly Quotes

Yes, it is that time again! I am hungover, I recall drunk dialing D and talking to him until 3:00 AM., only to be woken up by him this morning because he was pissed that he is now tired (pfft) I recall meeting a guy whose boss was there and kept buying everyone rounds. I was so drained from finals (they are OVER!!!) that I just wanted to have some fun, which is basically what I did. The Eels were not that great (not their fault I still love them) the sound at the Roxy sucks and they should not be doing hard electric guitar and pretending to be hard rock when they are not. I did not pay much attention to the show though because I was too busy getting free drinks and being happy finals were over. I do remember though that my sister-in-law looked absolutely gorgeous so I wish I had brought my camera.

Moving on…Here are the Weekly Best Quotes EVER…in random order.

“You are a republican and a spoiled brat? Isn’t that kind of redundant?”

“Yeah I am a metro. I have all the body issues of a gay man and the communication problems of a straight man”

“You are straight? And you like to shop? You are my new best friend!”

“I find you arrogant, cocky, abrasive, forward, and self absorbed….its totally sexy..”

“On one side you have the quest for perfection – which you can never get. On the other side you have complete freedom - which you can have now. You pick which one you want.”

(Probably the only male alive who would say this) “I don’t like my women to be loud. I mean I know what my name is you don’t have to scream it out”
“Thank God we never dated”
(all you men out there – this is abnormal right?)

“I’m rolling my eyes back as far as I can see my brain”

“If he is holding a guitar like that, imagine how he would hold you.”

“So what do you want me to do about it? A backflip?”

“”Don’t look at me like that”
“Like what”?
“Like you are picturing me naked.”

“Everyone loves you so stop fucking worrying if anyone doesn’t and just smile.”

“You piss me off. A LOT.”
“Then why hang around”?
“I have no fucking clue..but I am”

“OK I will be friends with you if that’s what you want but that doesn’t mean I will ever stop wanting to sleep with you and I probably will still try. All guys are like that, get used to it.”

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

I got the looks, you got the brains...let's make lots of money

"Rachel's happy tipsy face"

So last night was tons of fun. I ended up getting there early since I gave myself plenty of time for traffic and yet for the first time, in the history of LA, there was none.

Being that I had over an hour to kill I headed to this posh bar on Hollywood and Vine. It is the type of bar that is overly crowded at 5:00 already because all the suits go there after work.

I went in to get a beer and enjoy myself and actually made a couple new friends. Very cool guys, and I will be seeing them again real soon. The cool part is my new friend owns a certain LA venue and now I got me some free concerts WOO HOOO!!!

Gomez, as always, were orgasm and euphoria inducing. We ran into my friend Steve at the show as well so that was cool. Being that at this point I was three beers down the line (OK people you see how small I am that is a lot for me!) I was all jumping and touchy feely. The show was so awesome. I seriously could see Gomez five nights a week and be happy.

Tomorrow is the Eels after my last finals and they are doing an electric show rather than strings so that should be different and nifty.

Here is the cool thing about seeing concerts with my brother.

First off you have to picture two people on completely opposite ends of the spectrum as far as personalities go. My brother and I are so different sometimes I wonder if my mother was not getting any action from some nutty dude on the side. We never see eye to eye. We look very different. We act different. I am extroverted he is not. He has the brains, I am street smart but nowhere near the genius of him. BUT there is one thing that causes us to get along and that is music. We have always bonded through music and that is when we get along so that is why I love going to concerts with him. He is a total nerd and a geek to boot but he becomes a different person when around music. I love it.

P.S – I was tipsy in these pictures, and when I get tipsy... I kiss…so forgive the lack of normalcy.

"see told ya so"

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Studying to Baseball Movies..and Concerts on a Tuesday

I have a final in an hour. I am going nuts. But, surprisingly not stressed at all.

Sunday I spent the day studying and being that I can't sit and study with no noise I decided to make it a theme movie day. All I did Sunday was study and watch Kevin Coster baseball movies. Yes people, don't laugh. I went from Field of Dreams to Bull Durham and then onto For the Love of the Game. Those movies reminded me why baseball is such a good metaphor for life...though that I will have to explain later.

I am not going to get all deep on you guys now, especially after, my last post, it took it all out of me.

I am leaving straight from my final to the Gomez concert because I thought since I am not sleeping at all this week anyways, I might as well add fuel to the fire.

I have a very very very busy few weeks ahead of me..makes me think I really should start using a day planner. I have a couple baseball games, a half marathon, a road trip, a bridal shower, the marine corp Mud Run, Pearl Jam..the list goes on.

Weird thing - I am not stressed. I am not overwhelemed. I am 100% perfectly happy. Maybe that night on the beach did something to me..because I have not stopped smiling and just being peaceful since then.

I am even all frisky again, and when I say frisky I mean like insatiable, can't think about anything else frisky. Seriously I have a final in an hour I need to stop being randy for a few hours. Then I will have to get that taken care of pronto.

I was talking with a friend last night about fantasies - so I have a question for all of you. I want you, in the comment section, even if you have to post anonymous - to say what your dreams, fantasies, and well anything is. Go on, do it, I am just curious..because it seems we all have fantasies and so many of us are scared to do anything about it. So tell me yours, then I shall tell ya mine. :)

I will be back tomorrow with a more meaningful post I promise...

But for now...

Being that Sunday was baseball movie day I am going to leave you all with some of my favorite quotes from Kevin Coster baseball movies

"You once wrote, there comes a time when all the cosmic tumblers have clicked into place and the universe opens it’s self up for a few seconds to show you what’s possible "- Ray - Field of Dreams

"What ever happens in the next few minutes, I want you to know that when I opened the door & saw heart lepped. It lepped!" - For the Love of the Game

Crash Davis: Come on, Annie, think of something clever to say, huh? Something full of magic, religion, bullshit. Come on, dazzle me.
Annie Savoy: I want you. - Bull Durham

"Last night should have been the happiest night of my life, it wasn't because you weren't there. I'm not telling you this to make you stay or to change your mind, but I want you to know that I know that I need you." - For the Love of the Game

"America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. Its been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game is a part of our past. It reminds of everything that was once good and could be again. People will come, Ray, oh people will most definitely come." - Field of Dreams

Crash Davis: Why do you get to choose? I mean, why don't I get to choose, why doesn't he get to choose?
Annie Savoy: Well, actually, nobody on this planet ever really chooses each other. I mean, it's all a question of quantum physics, molecular attraction, and timing. Why, there are laws we don't understand that bring us together and tear us apart. Uh, it's like pheromones. You get three ants together, they can't do dick. You get 300 million of them, they can build a cathedral. - Bull Durham

Annie Savoy: Well of course I'm trying to seduce you, for God's sake, and I'm doing a damn poor job of it... Aren't I pretty?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: God, I think you're real cute.
Annie Savoy: Cute? Baby ducks are cute, I HATE cute! I want to be exotic, and mysterious!
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: You are, you're exotic, and mysterious, and... cute... and... That's why I'd better leave. - Bull Durham

You see, there's no guilt in baseball, and it's never boring... which makes it like sex. There's never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn't have the best year of his career. Making love is like hitting a baseball: you just gotta relax and concentrate. Besides, I'd never sleep with a player hitting under .250... not unless he had a lot of RBIs and was a great glove man up the middle. You see, there's a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys. I can expand their minds. Sometimes when I've got a ballplayer alone, I'll just read Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him, and the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen. 'Course, a guy'll listen to anything if he thinks it's foreplay. I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe, and pretty. ' - Annie - Bull Durham

I would post a World Baseball Classic photo here - but I don't have any :(

Wish me Luck people! The semester is almost over :)

Sunday, May 21, 2006

ALWAYS Talk to Strangers…and I got to run through the field!

Disclaimer – a) the following is long because I need a break from studying and b) the conversation that follows is to the best of my memory LOL

So I had the Angels Race this morning and it was my worst time ever as far as finish time (because I have been sick) but the bestest funnest ever (because we got to freaking run through the stadium)

I don’t mean we got to run through the area of the stadium that I am always in, I mean we got to run through the FIELD. So during that part of the race I practically slowed to a crawl because there I am on the freaking baseball field running by the dugouts and the bullpen and omigod it was so so cool.

Last nights game was, of course, big topic of conversation at the race. You could almost feel the depression of the people in the air. Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on with those guys lately? Oh well, I am just going to keep my faith that they will pull through in the end.

Later on in the evening I decided I needed a break from studying. I was having writers block and just feeling uninspired and so I got in my car and drove to the only place that I knew would inspire me as soon as I got there. My spot. My spot is a certain beach down here, that I always go to alone when I need to gather my thoughts, feel peaceful or just get inspired. The spotty clouds I saw in the sky told me tonight’s sunset would be perfect. I grabbed my notebook and my ipod, kicked off my shoes and headed down the path. I laid my beach blanket down and just sat there absorbing the view, the small gathering of people who were there to watch the sunset and the waves.

I go to this place for solitude, it makes me whole, it makes me think, and most importantly it makes me smile. The first time I went there was the night one of my best friends died. I went to escape and as I sat there just staring at the sea I saw a dolphin, alone, dancing in the waves.

As I sat there listening to my music and writing my thoughts down in my notebook, a stranger walked by, then turned around and started walking towards me.

“What’cha listening to”? he asked.

“It is just a mix of music I made, nothing special.”

He sat down. He didn’t even ask, he just sat down like it was the normal thing to do. I gave him the once over. Expensive jeans, AG jeans, which is the type of expensive only men who either know jeans or have a woman who knows jeans wears. His hair was an unkept black and his eyes were green..nice combo. He was not gorgeous, but had more of a “indie” handsome thing going on. Of course I do this “once over” in about three seconds so it is never noticeable.

“Well I just saw you sitting here, you kind of reminded me of that chick from Garden State (ok good taste in movies) so I thought either you had something interesting going on with your music or something else was making you smile that big, just thought I would say hi.” Wow he was a talker. And quite forward!

Now normally I like to be alone in my spot, but hey what the heck, I am always up for conversation among strangers.

“It is called The Sunset Mix,” I explained, handing him the headphones

He took the ipod and scrolled through the playlist, “The Cure, REM, Pearl Jam, nice mix of music you got there.”

I cracked a smile. My music. Gets em’ every time.

“So might I ask what a girl like you is doing here all alone”?

Remember how I said I tend to divulge to strangers?

“Well I want to be here alone. This spot is sort of my “SPOT,” I have been coming here for years whenever I need solitary time or inspiration.”

“Weird, so have I, but I have never seen you here.” He was looking at me with a curious eye now. “Can I say something without it sounding like a total come on”?

The sun had already set causing the spotty clouds to become silhouettes to the bright orange the sky had become. To the other side of the sky, it had already begun to turn gray.

“I haven’t stopped you so far have I”?

“Fair enough. I just wanted to say you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen.”

“That might be the sunset making you optimistic” I said, trying to be modest but what the hell that never works. “So why do you come here so often”?

“Well, I live right up the street” He said pointing up toward the cliff (ahhhhh explains the expensive jeans) “And, why are you looking at me like that”?

“Well, I have this theory,” I blurted out. “It goes something like this…Every single person I meet or talk to is in my life for a minute, a year, years, or a lifetime. And every single one is in it for a reason. That was what I was just writing about. So I was thinking you just sat down for a reason, even if I never see you again”

“So you’re a synchronicity girl huh”? he said, still looking at me curiously.

“Sound silly”?

“Not at all.”

For the next hour, we sat there as the sky got dark, chit chatting about music, concerts, books and baseball. We talked about how the Angels are pissing us off, how the ocean seems to cure everything, and how music really does save your mortal soul. We talked about happiness and love and my love for running and his for surfing. We talked about our goals, our dreams and dogs and travel. I was beginning to think this might be the best stranger conversation I have had in a long time.

“So why did I come into your life for this night”? he suddenly changed the subject

I looked at this guy, very good looking in a non-assuming way, smart, interesting, and obviously good taste in music and baseball teams, and thought for a minute.

“Well, because you are the evidence before the proof.”

“What’s that mean”? he asked

“It means you gotta have faith. You came to show me faith. So I know I don’t have to settle”

OK that got him to smile so I went on, “See this is my SPOT. Nobody comes here with me. I don’t ever talk to anyone here. Nobody understands what this place means to me and how no matter what is going on in my life it can bring me peace and happiness and and..well faith. No one gets it, but I have a feeling you do”

And that was the weird thing, I had a feeling he really did understand.

“Well you might be right. But how come you have so much faith? When I saw you, you looked like the happiest girl in the world, you looked inspired, how do you do that”?

I began to gather up my belongings as it was getting late and I still had studying to do.

“I guess I just know myself. That’s partly why I come here, because I think you have to be alone to get to know who you really are, what you really are about, so you can love yourself. And, I guess here the whole world is perfect, so how can I not be happy about that’?

“What is your name”?

“It’s Rachel”
I stood up, dusting the sand off my pants.

“Rachel, thank you.”

“For what? I did nothing but blabber on to a stranger Mr. Beach Boy.” The sky was now black and the beach empty.

“No you did more. Thank you for inspiring me. To be honest, I have been depressed lately, my mother just died, that’s why I live up the street now. I moved in with my father to help him out. But I smiled for the first time in a while tonight. Maybe that was the reason you talked to me, to make me smile”

I was sooooooo taken aback. Here I amm going on and on about perfection and happiness and here this guy just lost his mother…

“No don’t look at me like that,” he said. “No feeling sorry for me. She had been sick for a long time, I guess I was just trying to find the meaning of it all.”

“Well, then you are welcome. And, thank you for not judging me.”

“How can I judge you, your eyes are hypnotizing. Plus your smile is contagious” He flashes a grin.

“OK now that was a line, and a bad one too.”

“Hey I tried,” he shrugged.

“Well I have to get back to studying since it is getting so late. But seriously Mr. Beach Boy, you have been the best single serving date I have ever had. Like I said you gave me evidence.”

“I hope you have an awesome night, do you think we will meet again.”?

“Perhaps Mr. Beach Boy, it is all up to synchronicity.”

I gave him a grin and began to walk back to my car. I turned around once and saw him lying on the sand, staring up at the sky. I had the desire to reach out and hug him but carried on walking instead.

People come into our lives for a reason. Whether or not I ever see Mr. Beach Boy again, I thought, I got into my car smiling, I know the reason that night happened…he just renewed my faith.

P.S The Sunset Mix is, as follows:

Pearl Jam – Come Back

REM and Chris Martin – In the Sun

The Cure – Love Song

Simon and Garfunkel – bridge Over Troubled Water

Jeff Buckley -Hallelujah

Guster – Rocket Ship

The Used – On My Own

INXS – beautiful Girl

The Beatles – Blackbird

Eels – Climbing Up to the Moon

The Beatles – Across the Universe

Simon and Garfunkel – The Only Living Boy in New York

God Only Knows – Beach Boys

Beach Boys – Everyone’s in Love With You

Grant Lee Phillips – Happiness

Just in case ya all wanted to know!

Friday, May 19, 2006

Weekly Best Quotes EVER

Watch what you say to me people...I have a good memory.

“If someone loves you, nothing can keep them away. If they don’t, nothing can make them stay”

“I have a secret desire to see you naked.”
“Guess now it’s not a secret.”

“I don’t believe in psychics”
“I know”
“How did you know”?
“Because I am psychic.”

“You seriously drive me crazy. But I kinda like it, except when it pisses me off”

“You have fabulous boobs”!
“Thanks, you have a fabulous ass!”
“I know”

“I read what you wrote in your blog about your ideal man”
“Yeah it sounds pretty damn easy if the guy really loves you.”
“Even putting up with me”
“Leaving cupboards open might have to be fixed. Well if it were to be me.”
(Said as I have a hole in my head)

“Grey’s Anatomy. The OC. I seriously can’t take these season finales anymore! I am depressed!”

Man sitting at bar to his friend, “Is she chartered or unchartered”?
“Not sure but I know she is a spinner” (bonus points if someone can tell me what chartered vs uncharted is as well as a “spinner” cause hell if I know)

“When I move to New York we will never see each other again.!”
“Yes because planes don’t exist or anything.”

“Use your head”!
“Apparently I am not so good at that.”

“Are you my friend”?
“Do you like me”?
“Are you sure”?

“Whenever you feel scared just think of what it will be like to walk through Strawberry Fields in Central Park every single day with someone you love. Then you won't be scared anymore”

"Why are you crying? What's wrong? Are you ok?"
"Mar..Mar...Marissaaaaa just dieeddddddd wahhhhhhh"
"It is a TV show"
"But Ryan had to say goodbye to the muuuussiccccc. wahhhhhh"

"Just go in there when he is at the computer working and pull off his pants."

"You are one long complicating action. I might have to stick around for the climax."

I have the Angel Race tomorrow...not going to worry about time because I have been sick, I just have to get back to training now that I am almost better since the half marathon is almost a week away!

Finals next week...then this nightmare of a semester will be finally over.

This weekend is a study weekend, with some coffee, one movie, and some shopping thrown in. Shopping is in order, all the cute summer clothes will die if they don't get on me now. :)

Thursday, May 18, 2006

My Head is Bloody..I Need a Nap..and Apparently I am Addicting.

So you know how yesterday when I said one of the bad things I do is leave cupboards open?

Case in point.

I was putting some letterhead away in the bottom cupboard at work, jumped up to stand up and SMACK! The corner of the top cupboard door, which was left open, ingrained itself into my skull. I kid you not, I took a chunk off of the wood of the cupboard. So I started gushing blood, I now have a hole in my head, and had to go to urgent care. My head is throbbing so bad that it hurts to move my eyes.


It is almost funny..because seriously who the hell else does this?

My boss looked at me and said, “Rachel I think this is some kind of sign.”

“Like what sign”?

“Rachel, you are in school full time, you work here 30 hours a week, you have finals and a half marathon coming up, you had to move twice in the past few months, you just changed your major and are moving to New York next year…don’t you think this is a sign of someone trying to tell you that you need a break.”

“But I am taking a break. I am taking a road trip, most of it by myself. I am doing completely 100% selfish things for me right now. I am taking alone time. I’m doing spa days and focusing on me completely. I am thinking about no one but me. I am going to go to Aruba. I am forcing myself to write for an hour a day and enjoying my single life while I can. I am running five miles a day and thats alone time. Does that count”?

“That still sounds kind of busy. Have you ever not done anything? You are probably the most extroverted person I know so this might be really hard for you but why don’t you take a day and just not do anything?”

Oh I tried that once. I tried to sit alone for a whole day without my phone on, my computer on, my TV on and any people around me. I eventually caved and went for a run and then spent three hours making music mixes and then another hour talking on the phone and then met up with a friend.

Maybe I am just that girl, always have to be doing something or talking something or running or moving. God knows I love to talk…and move. I can be alone, but even when I am alone I need noise so I will put music on and dance, or the tv on or write non stop.

Can any of us ever sit and do nothing?

But then again I have a bandage on my head and it soooo does not go with my outfit. I have a bump too; a big nasty one and my head is a throbbing mess. I guess sometimes our bodies really do try to tell us to slow down for a minute.

So..maybe it is a sign

Maybe I just need a nap. Or maybe I just need to shut the fuck up. LOL

In other news…

I have to say if I meet one more guy who says anything along the lines of “Ya know I think I am going to marry you someday” I just might scream. Especially since this is always said within a month of meeting me. And NO I don’t take this as a compliment or anything. I take it as I am being put on a pedestal and I just have to say I am not perfect. Stop saying that. You will get to know me and see that I am just a normal girl, nothing about me will save your soul and you won’t miss me when I am gone. I promise you won’t miss me when I am gone. I am just a normal girl. I am just a Rachel. I am not a savior or a muse. I am just normal ole Rachel and when someone tells me it is impossible not to love me or impossible to live without me...I really don't believe it. I am easily forgotten.

Sorry rant moment…

Temptation is tempting. Tempting…very very tempting. Especially if it in the package of some hotness.

My sister-in-law is, one day, going to have her own TV show that sort of is along the same style as South Park. Plus something about a dog named Homer.

My beliefs and morals do not match my animal desires and this irritates me. But hey we can’t behave all the time right? What do we follow? Our desires even if we don’t believe they are right? Thoughts on this?

I have the Angel’s Baseball Foundation Race this Saturday. This is cool because the race is at the stadium and I have a cute running outfit for it in case there are some hot baseball players there. A girl can never be too prepared right?

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Does Being Bad…Make You Good??

I always find it easier with people to list my bad qualities before they get to know me. I should do this more often. I usually say this with a smile so they end up getting to know me anyway but then when I exhibit any of these bad qualities people seem shocked.

But see, then I can say, “Well I warned you…now give me a hug.”

Some might wonder, well what are my “bad” qualities?

I give the stink eye if I don’t get something I want, I can be spoiled and demand attention usually at really inopportune moments, “Your in the middle of peeing, who cares I have got to tell you something!” “I don’t care if you just had sex this is important!!!”
I am possessive of my books and my DVDs but tend to neglect my DVDs ever so slightly. I leave the sticky things on them as well because when I buy a dvd I get anxious to watch it so I rip the damn thing out of there without taking off all the packaging and then forget to take it off later and I am stuck with a bunch of DVD covers with stickers on them. I totally hog the bed even though I am 4’11” and sub 100 pounds. I always find a way to take it over and I use way too many cell phone minutes.
I do this thing where if there is a mirror and I turn away from it I have to turn around just for a split second to take a look at my ass..just to make it sure it is still there. This gets quite embarrassing in the mirror section of Ikea. I ask way too many questions to complete strangers to the point of interrogation. I try on multiple outfits before I go out at night but then forget to hang any of the clothes up. I sometimes forget to drop off my dry cleaning while I am picking up a batch therefore causing an unnecessary extra trip. I don’t make my bed unless someone is coming over and there are books and clothes lying around and yet I have to clean my shower and bathroom every day. I can be quite needy except when I want to be alone. I sing horribly loud in public places and hover between extremely confident and slightly insecure depending on the hour. I am way too intense and cry at most TV shows. I become an emotional mess once a month and around this time I turn into a whiney child, and quite bitchy too. I use my sidekick to IM about 10 people at the same time during class. Then I come home, study, watch TV, eat, an IM 10 people while talking on the phone and applying lotion all at the same time. I blow a kiss at the mirror after putting on lip-gloss and do this weird wiggle move while putting on my jeans. I forget to lock the door sometimes and tend to hover between lanes while driving. I take things personally and talk about TV characters like they were real people:

“So who do you think she should pick, vet or McDreamy”?
“I like the vet he is such a good guy. McDreamy never said he was married!!”
“Yeah but McDreamy really loves her. Love conquers all.”
"But the Vet made future PLANS"
"But McDreamy loves her so much that she pisses him off all the time.
Now thats love."

I smile and give this coy little look when I want something and flirt with strangers just because I like to. I hand wash my underwear but forget to do it so have to go without panties for a day, only I don’t tell anyone..or I just wear swimsuit bottoms..unless it is with tight pants, then I have to go without. I can be quite messy, cocky, and sometimes I indulge in handbags and then have to not eat out for an entire month. I get in yelling fights with my mother and then ignore her for the rest of the day until the end when we make up. I talk too much, divulge details to strangers and leave leftovers in the fridge long after I shouldn’t. When I am at the gym I grab my chest, ignoring the fact that I am in front of people because my boobies feel different in a sports bra. I talk to my dogs as if they understand everything I say. I will ask someone the same question ten times until I get the answer I want to hear. I talk things to death.
I think I know more than I really know about anything. I judge people based on what music they listen to. I try to learn everything there is to know about something I want to know about but could not be bothered with things I don’t care to know about. I can be stubborn and frisky and mostly I am both at the same time at a given moment. I am an attention whore. I leave doors open, cupboards, drawers open and a few times I have left the fridge open. I tend to picture people naked just because it is fun and at any given moment I am probably thinking about getting naked too. Hell I am probably thinking it right now. I always buy a day planner but have never actually used one and get obsessive compulsive when I cook.

I will let that sink in….

So..time to share… tell me what makes you so bad that you are good

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Call Me Penny Lane - My Love Affair with REM

I first heard REM when I was 10. I was trying to be cool so I was “hanging out” in my brother’s room (little did I know my brother was not even cool but rather a total nerd) while he was listening to music. My music history up until then was either Raffi and other kid songs or The Beatles (my dad always had them on) which is and always will be my other staple and favorite.

Since that day my life was forever changed. I have seen them in concert too many times to count, I follow their news, my brother’s life and wife is what it is because of the band, and many life lessons I have learned through their songs. And now about fourteen years later, I credit REM for bringing people into my life that wouldn’t have been, for making my brother turn from an insecure nerd to a confident, if ever so slightly too much, businessman and great husband. I have hung out with members of the band, gotten to know some of the minds behind the music, and for some reason they seem to come up in conversation a lot.

How did my brother meet his wife? Because of Mike Mills

He created a website that has caused me to meet some amazing a whole lot of unamazing people LOL

It got him his job, and therefore free cds for me!

I feel a magic at an REM concert that I wish and hope other people can feel and if they do feel that magic then I automatically feel a kindred spirit connection with them. And I hope people can at least feel that magic about something in their life.

Watching Michael command a stage is like a dream come alive.

When I find a hot boy who loves REM I am snagging him.

Some of my best friends I have met because of the band, at concerts, etc.

I have driven in a car all the way to New Mexico (ok well I didn’t drive but we did take my car) just to see them in concert.

I use Michael’s lyrics in everyday life as lessons I have learned.

I have learned about courage to be unique: “I was brought into this life a little lab, courageous, stublin..Fearless was my middle name but somewhere there I lost my way..Everyone walks the same…Expecting me to step the narrow path they’ve laid. They claim to walk unafraid, I’ll be clumsy instead.”

I have learned about Love: “The stars are the greatest thing you’ve ever seen…they’re there for you cause you alone you are the everything.”

I have learned about following my own path: “ I have got to leave to find my way. Watch the road and memorize this life that pass before my eyes..”

Hell the title of my blog – an REM song (my favorite in fact)

Why do I tell you all of this?

Because, REM has been my butterfly effect. It is a little band that has shaped my life in more ways than I could imagine.

And, I have a feeling it will cause more flutters

Plus, the next tour…I can see the magic come alive once again.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

To All the Mamas I Have Ever Known and ALL the Mamas in My Life

I wanted to talk about Mama’s Day today in a way that celebrates all the “moms” in my life that is special to me. I am very lucky in that I, not only have an amazing mother, but an amazing grandma, two amazing great grandmas (we have great young genes) and other “moms” that have latched on through love to enjoy watching me grow as a woman.

My mother, who most would think looks like my sister, is probably the most selfless person I know. She is the type to stay up late, even when she has had a long day, to help someone prepare for a job interview, or council them on their careers, or offer business advice. She is the type to offer up her airline miles so a friend and me could take a vacation (Aruba is next mama!). She will help out anyone in need, not just her children but those she loves. While sometimes my mom and I butt heads because sometimes she forgets to not look at me as a baby anymore, for the most part, as long as we are not living together, we have a great relationship. She deserves a medal just for putting up with me when I was a child and a teenager. I was the devil spawn and she still managed to love me unconditionally. My mom has taught me a good work ethic, and that it is possible to be a good mother and have a career.

My grandma, who remains as beautiful and striking today as she was when she was my age, knows how to age gracefully. While she can no longer run the 10 miles a day that she used to, she still manages to do an hour of cardio and a couple hours of tennis multiple times a week. She has taught me what it means to cherish being a woman. She has taught me that you can be strong and yet feminine and the two go hand in hand. She has survived extreme poverty, lost jobs, the Bronx, miscarriages, still borns and fires. She and my grandfather are the perfect example of the American Dream. She helped and him build a life from a one-bedroom apartment in the Bronx to a life style that most dream about. And yet, even when a fire took away everything they had ever worked for, they managed to not even skip a beat. She is the strongest woman I know and she shows me what real love should look like. (Her and my grandpa still blow each other kisses) She was also the first person to point out and celebrate my bubble butt when I was a toddler. She used to kiss the damn thing saying, “Look at that tushy! Look at that tushy!” (I have a good memory Gram Gram I know you are reading this)

I could go on and on about all my “moms’ but I think it might just bore you all to tears. Instead I will leave you all with bits of advice that I have gotten throughout the years from my all the women in my life.

On Life

“Make your passion your career. Not the other way around.” - Mama

“ Never stop dancing, even if you stop, never stop it in your heart. Because, if you look for it, when your soul dances, so does the world.” – Dede – my dance teacher for life and second mom forever

“Never go to bed angry at anyone ever.” – mama again

“ You gotta be confident. It is the key to everything.” – Yvette
You gotta have fun with life always, laugh at it, enjoy It.” – Tracy

“Don’t fall into the trap of doing a job because you think it is what you are supposed to do. Follow your dream job. Break out of the mold. Use your talents,” – Mama

On Men

“Darling you deserve a prince and nothing less than a prince will do” – Great Grandma Bertha

“ I had the choice between your grandfather and Richie Davis. Your grandfather shared more interests with me and we could just sit and talk about them for hours.” - Gram Gram (OF course, if you ask my grandpa why he married my grandma he says, “Because I wanted to jump her bones” -

“Marry a man who gives you the best orgasms if your life. Because even if you have a fight, you can forget about it for a while. It will carry you through the tough times as well.” – My Guardian Angel.

“I told him he could kiss me but we can’t go any further because it might kill him.” – My 93 year old Great Grandma talking about her new boyfriend.

“Life takes some shitty roads sometimes so make sure to find a man strong enough to take them with you” Gram Gram

“When your dad asked me on a date his divorce was not even final yet so I said no. Then he asked again and I said no because he had been playing the entire building. So he asked again and I caved in. We had chemistry, guess you can’t ignore that.” - My mom when talking to me about why she went out with my dad when she was age 20 (he was 27)

On being a woman

“ Trying to act like a man does not make you equal. It makes you look like you feel being a woman is inferior and therefore you act like a man. Celebrate being a woman and that gives you power. God created both sexes because he needs both sexes” Gram Gram

“Always maintain your girly figure. You will thank yourself when you are older.” – My mom

So to Mom, Gram Grams, Great Grandma Bertha, Great Grandma Lisa, Tracy, Yvette, Dede, Marian, and all the other MOMs I have met in my life, including Pamela, and “Mom” and Marsha and Terri and Nola and Sheri and Mrs. B, and Mrs. A, and well all of you. The world is nothing without moms and every single mom I have ever met has given me a good example of what kind of mom I want to be someday. And to all the mom's in the world - you keep the earth together :)

Saturday, May 13, 2006

You Get The Evidence, Free Beer, and Fireworks...

I started today missing things in the past. I missed my music buddy, my REM buddy, my baseball buddy, and someone who knew how to pleasure me, someone who would kiss my ass (not metaphorically), and look at me with pure animal desire. Someone who I could bring to their knees with a look and make them vulnerable with my touch. I think we miss what we had when it is gone, but we forget to appreciate it when it is here. And I thought of that look and realized….it’s gone.

And then something amazing happened…and just like in my dream…I was forced to surrender to what I thought things were, accept things for what they are, and for once be happy for the way things are going.

Besides the fact that I had the best time last night, and the Angels kicked ass, and I soooooo called it that we would get a free Hooters night, I hit a revelation somewhere between the 6th inning, the hottie next to me, and the complete evidence shoved in my face (again not metaphorically) that yes I am on the right track.

I have been getting advice thrown at me left and right the past week. Advice from people I trust and love and believe in. And yet, it only took a moment of pure bliss for me to realize for myself…that I forgot to ask one simple question….what do I want? Forget what others want but what do I want?

So it was asked of me…by a complete stranger, and being that I had had four beers already (I said I was a cheap date but at a ballpark 4 beers equals megabucks people) I spilled the beans. And I realized I had been going about everything all wrong. I paid attention to what wanted me, rather than going after what I really wanted. I felt like a fool for wanting what I wanted. Until, someone else told me what I wanted was, duh, easy and more importantly perfectly acceptable to want. Well it is easy, but for the right person. And I can’t make someone the right person just because I want to. But I realized tonight, as the grand slam made us all nuts, that what I really wanted really does exist in a person and that person will give me butterflies until the day I die.

What is it I said…to this stranger?

I don’t want a guy who tells me I have the best ass ever, or the best eyes ever, or the best smile ever. I want a guy who notices that there are specks of gold in my eyes, who knows my five different smiles based upon my mood, who would memorize with his hand the fact that there are about five freckles and a tattoo on my ass (sorry mom). I want a guy who knows how to touch my stomach and then sees how my breathing gets deeper when he does so, who knows when I am being pleasured I bite my bottom lip, and when I cry my lip quivers. When I laugh my smile is contagious and when I am satisfied my smile is big and my eyes crinkle and when I want something my smile is evil. I want someone who is confident enough to throw me down, who knows what my look of pure satisfaction is, who knows what my look of pure ecstasy is. And I realized something tonight….he exists. I think the key to a great awesome lifetime relationship is someone who is your best friend but also your best lover. Also, someone who grounds you and someone who dreams big with you. Someone who puts in the work to make things work when times get tough, is in it for the long haul, and doesn’t feed you movie scripted lines but rather gives you pure honest uninhibited sexual gratification that shows only when someone knows every inch of your body. Someone who knows that there are five sets of freckle pairs on my body resembling vampire bites…and commits to memory exactly what my body not only looks like naked but feels like naked. If you don’t have that attraction, if you don’t have that pure uninhibited desire…then where else is there to go? It fades with age. Our bodies become older and wrinkled and lines begin to appear everywhere. But, when you have it at the beginning, there is no way you can’t have it at the end…it just gets different.

Whew is it hot in here?

I said that to this stranger…I might have come across rather…um…weird? Hey he didn’t seem to mind.

But there is also more to it, an amazing lover is only part of the equation

What more do I want?

Someone who is willing to break out from the mold of what they grew up in. Someone that knows that even though they are a man, their vulnerability is still a turn on. Their sensitivity is sexy but so is their confidence and manliness. Someone willing to spread their wings further than they thought possible. Who doesn’t settle for what is comfortable but marinates in discomfort to grow. Someone who never lets go of me, even when times get hard. Someone who is athletic and healthy and gives me chills when I look at them. Someone who I can be around in sweats and bad hair and still dress up nice. Someone who knows my weakness, who knows that life is only what you make of it and you don’t step out of the box into the realm of the impossible then you will never succeed. Someone who can handle life’s rough patches and is loyal through thick and thin. Someone dynamic and manly, and athletic and goofy and sexy and funny and quirky. Someone who has passions. Who loves music. Someone who JUST HAS FUN WITH LIFE, who doesn’t take it all so seriously. (well unless it is necessary) Someone who I can help grow just as they can help me grow. Someone who is completely open and honest with me as I am with him. Someone who isn’t afraid to take a risk and to go into the unknown lifestyle an unknown city, an unknown dream.

And then we got run number 12…

And I looked up at the sky

And everything I have ever known has lead up to that one moment in my life…call it a vision, call it divine intervention, call it a kick in the ass, call it a wake up call , call it alcohol, call it frisky.

Because, the life I want, the lifestyle I want, the amazing career, the amazing adventure, the healthy kids, the man I want, the lifetime love affair mixed with a lifetime best friend….it all exists. I just had to let go, trust in it, and open my eyes to what awaits me. I had to ask myself what I wanted rather than what I thought I was supposed to want or what someone else ended up not wanting.

I just had to jump.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Best Quotes EVER - Volume Two - plus some other randomness from a a grl stuck at home

So I have been writing a bunch since I have been so sick…there is only so much movies and internet shopping one can do people! Angels game tonight. I got my whole outfit ready and my date is driving so it is beer time!! Hey if you can’t get rid of a cold at least you can drown it in beer right?

I know with every period of being very uncomfortable comes a period of complete bliss. I also know without discomfort no one can truly grow. No one tones their body without the pain of muscle soreness. No one tones their souls without uncomfortable introspection. But I see what lies past the discomfort, and what is there is more amazing than anything I could have ever imagined my life to be. It is place where everything I thought was impossible to attain, every goal I thought was out of reach, every want I thought I couldn’t have, and every dream I thought wasn’t real ..exists. So bring on the discomfort, because if that is what I get in the end…then who the hell cares about discomfort right now.

OK without anything further here are my Best Quotes EVER – Volume Two.

Normal everyday people sometimes say the best stuff. Whenever someone tells me something I like I usually write it down. So some of you probably said something great and you don’t even know it yet. Some were said to me, some were overheard, all made me smile or laugh or think…mostly all of the above. I can remember quotes that people have said to me from years ago..remember watch what you say to me, I have a good memory ☺

I am keeping these quotes anonymous..but most of you probably remember anyway, if you are the one that said it I mean.

“You can’t spend any amount of time trying to figure out why sewage doesn’t smell like roses”

“You know, you have some flecks of gold in your eyes.”

“Life is meaningless except for the meaning you assign to it, so you might as well assign something good.”

“God gave you a gift. So he is probably going to be pissed off if you don’t use it.”

“I have no time for self destructive people/” - written on a big board at WBR

“Honey, if a man does not make your blood boil and your stomach flip flop when he touches you then what’s the point”? – from an 80 year old

“Who gives a flying rats ass what anyone thinks about me” - there is such a thing as a flying rats ass?

“That’s the cure for everything. Sweat and the Sea”
“What about Sex”?
“I think that falls into the sweat category. You know, unless its boring n stuff”

“You get evidence before proof”

“Well since we are going to have sex now I guess we can talk about this kind of stuff.”

“Decide who you want to be and what you want to do and then never let a day go by where you give up on that. Never settle for what is comfortable. Be willing to get uncomfortable and when you are, you know you are on the right track.”
“Right track to what”?
“Miracles. Being self-actualized. The usual”

“Never settle for anything less than amazing.”

“Don’t fall in love with me or anything ok”?

“You look kinda scary”
“Cute scary”?
“No just scary”

“I don’t mind following the rules as long as they are inconsequential to me.” - Amy is making me giver her credit for this because she says it is fabulous.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Walk Unafraid. I'll Be Clumsy Instead.

I woke up this morning feeling 100% better. Ok, well 100% better mentally, but not physically. This cold better leave soon so I can get back to my training. The half marathon is in three weeks and that whole weekend is filled with tons of action. But mentally, I felt good and thankful and I knew the lesson I had to learn to a T. Plus whenever I find myself falling back on old questions…I have all the men in my life there giving me a good kick in the ass to take me back to me. How did I get so lucky?

K called to check in and said I sounded like a dead person. Well that made me laugh at least.

I got an ecard from C that is sooo cute and the girl in it is blue because I am talking like a smurf right now

A gave me a good kick in the ass today. He explained recent events from a guy’s way of thinking and it helped me understand a bunch.

B just takes no shit

E is the best brother in the world

Mr. Cool still gives me butterflies

Grandpa once again is right

D needs to feel better too so I send him big kisses

R loves me even when I am sweaty with messy gym hair

N you piss me off because you are always right damnit.

And for the first time in my life I feel I am about to get what I really deserve. And for the first time I think others got what they deserve too, not someone better than me, but someone better for them. I can’t be a feisty firecracker to everyone just like every guy can’t handle being my Mr. Big. I held on because I was afraid to let go of someone who should have just been my friend. And to him – I only wish him happiness because he was better as a friend anyway.

And my options? Enticing. Toe Curling, blood pressure rising, enticing. Because like Carrie said, “accept nothing less..than butterflies”

I am pretty damn lucky right now. I guess I just had to open my eyes and ask myself what I wanted. Well besides for the horrible cold that has kept me in bed for three days :(

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

It's a Fine Line Between Chaos and Creation

Mr. Genius at apple was able to save about 95% of my data off of my heard drive. This includes all of my music (Thank you God!!) and I was just sitting here wallowing in my own snot and blotchyness (though I was just told I still look cute but in a very blotchy sick puppy dog way) because this cold I have just wants to totally screw me over, when I realized by saving 95% of my hard drive data Mr. Genius at apple, while transferring my data saw what data I had there. No biggie right? Well I believe Mr. Genius, nerd extraordinaire, talked to me rather nervously on the phone because he saw some data that was meant for only my eyes. I have a file, a Kama Sutra file, that is a PDF version of a modern day Kama Sutra. Geez, I might as well have had puppet porn on there while I was at it (Amy that one is for you!). Poor Mr. Genius.

I believe my computer died when I had that file on there for the same reason I show up at a place that requires valet parking when my car is a mess.

Since I have been stuck at home sick, accepting chicken soup deliveries and whatnot, I have been doing a lot of thinking about what kind of girl I am, what I have learned in life, and what kind of person I want to share me with. I know the best way to grow as a person is to look inward at oneself, figure out what kind of person I was, to attract into my life the kinds of people and circumstances I did, and figure out, through introspection how I can mature and grow. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. So I am taking this time for myself to figure myself out so I don't fall into the insanity trap. Well, if there is one thing I am smart at it is human behavior and what that gives me is an understanding of myself and people except Id rather just focus on myself and become a woman who does not need anything to fulfill her so I can choose what I want in my life just because I want it and not because it fulfills a need. Because no one needs anything.

Besides the raging cold today I feel really good, I had THAT dream again and I woke up saying, “Ok ok I get it I get it…” I believe some dreams are our intuition trying to tell us something. Our intuition is something that knows the answer to everything. We just don’t know how to interpret it sometimes. It was the same guy, same very distinct face though it was a face that would manifest in a few different people. I do know he had intense green eyes, had an athletic build, and a goofy smile. Who he is I have no idea…

In Dustin’s blog (please click on the link to the right and go bug his sexy ass) he summed up what he has learned through his time of self-reflection in two words – I won’t spoil it you can go read it. And while, I don’t think I can sum of what I have learned in two words I can say the biggest thing that has come of everything that has happened to me the past few months is a better understanding of who I am and a knowledge that I am a perfect Rachel, just the way I am. I have gained such a tremendous amount of confidence that I feel like I no longer have to be anything except exactly who I am. The confidence in myself has even shown me that it is ok that sometimes I don’t feel confident (like right now with my damn smurfette voice and blotchy nose!) The confidence has shown me that I can be good and nice sometimes but also sometimes I can be a total brat and manipulate. I can be needy and yet sometimes I want to be alone. I am very feisty and it turns some on and turns some off. (Hey this is why they tell me I am easy to love but not easy to handle) Except when it comes down to it, my well-being is always there and more often than not I am a good woman. I am not more special than anyone but I am not worse than anyone either. No one is better than me and no one is worse than me either. But what I am special at, is being the most perfect Rachel Heather there is. (that is not "perfection" that is the perfect ME) And I would not have it any other way. Like my Guardian Angel said (you know who you are), God gave me gifts and now I just have to use them and have a shit load of fun while I am at it.

So in a way I also learned that not only can I still be a better woman, but rather I already am all that I need to be, and loving myself makes me a better woman.

Told you it was more than two words!

I have learned a lot more but that will have to be saved for another day when I am less drugged up.

In other news…

People tell you things with their actions, rather than their words.

My grandfather is like the wise owl mixed with the yoda – He has never been wrong, its almost weird

I get to see peter Buck at the El Rey on Saturday and have a baseball game Friday night. (and it cost me no money which is good because I just spent 40 freaking dollars a various cold medications) As long as I get better it should be a fun weekend.

I still don’t think I look cute and sexy in the blotchy, snotty, glassy eyed way I am right now but will accept that compliment
( just for you)

I seem to have created much discussion regarding my Penis Post and this makes me happy. A writer always wants discussion and comments on their writing because all writers are attention whores hehe. But I have received verbal and written comments about that Penis post discussing what guys have the biggest penis’ to napoleon complexes to too much information regarding my brother to ..well everything possible. I had no idea it would garner such a reaction but penis discussion has seemed to become a staple in conversation since that post took place. Congrats guys..the wee wee’s are getting attention!

I am so mad about Chris being voted off I think I could scream. He was my Tuesday Orgasm. Such a shame.

I still have yet to figure out how to post a link so what I am going to do is just talk about a blog I like and add the link to the left on the sidebar…cause I am retarded.

And now I must go drink my tea and ponder the better days when I could breathe through my nose.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Too Much Information – or what happens when you are best friends with the woman married to your brother…and she stops being polite and starts being real..real honest

Sex talk always happens. It is a topic of conversation that is popular with us women. Yes we do discuss penis size. Yes we discuss technique. Yes we talk about what feels good and what gets our blood pumping. Sometimes Amy stops me from going into details because she does not care to know.

However, today she let some things slip and now I think I might be damaged for life. TMI TMI TMI

I don't need to know, I just don't. But, yeah, ....

In other news it looks like my hard drive is DOA and my brother can transfer my ipod songs back on my computer but I have not updated my ipod in a few weeks so if anyone out there has some mp3s they would like to share, let me know. I am lost without my music ☹

Chris once again gives a panty changing performance tonight on American Idol.

My parents are in Hawaii so I have been over here a bit to use their computer, studying and whatnot. Two of my best guy friends are construction workers and electrical contractors and they have been remodeling my parents house a bunch. I decided I needed to feel good for a bit so on went the music and out came the dancing machine.

So who walks in while I am doing this? Oh just them with a couple of their construction worker buddies…

Very nice Rachel…N knows me enough to laugh it off and he is my best friend and has been on vacation with me so he has seen it all, but the others?....*shudder*

I am going to start searching for some good blogs you all should read but I don’t know how to create a link to where you click on it and it takes you to that blog…anyone know how to do that?

Monday, May 08, 2006

Goodbye Computer. Goodbye Past

My computer died and that topped a pretty shitty 24 hours of my life

I might have lost everything on my hard drive including about 60 gigs of music. (time to help me out in that department dear friends)

I have been incredibly sad today, wishing things were somehow different than they are.

But they are not, and that is a possibility that was made clear to me that can never happen.

I guess sometimes things happen, and it is no ones fault and all we can do is look inward and see how we are responsible for not what happens in life but our reaction to it.

Some react by being sad

Some react by covering up the pain

Some react by being hurtful

I think most everyone does some combo of it all, No one is above it because we are all human.

But life is a little more simple than that. Life happens and every single thing that happens is a creation of our own minds. Our minds create our reality and only through pain can we change. And only through an understanding of how the mind works can we really create the life we want.

So all I can do is look at the past, give it a big hug and a kiss and say goodbye. Because sometimes peoples lives are better without me in it, even if I do love them.

So that’s what I’m doing, time to let go completely with a big kiss and move toward a life I will create for myself and really learn from it all.

And an idea of a future where dreams come true awaits me and when the student is ready, the teacher will appear

So I just have to get ready.


Sunday, May 07, 2006

I Hate LA…But Maybe It Has Some Magic Anyway

So many things happened last night that I am not sure where to even begin. To start, it was M’s birthday and being that M is one of my best friends and I miss hanging with that group of people I felt obliged to go to the club with them even though I am not LA club scene’s biggest fan…

Another reason I wanted to go was a guy I knew but have not seen in almost 3 years was going to be there. This guy, lets call him Mr. Cool is someone who evoked a school girl crush in me back then. He gave me butterflies, he turned me into a babbling bunch of nonsense and I probably looked at him with eyes of wonder and awe that were completely obvious and yet I didn’t care. Mr. Cool was going to be there and I had to see if he was the same Mr. Cool or if I just grew up and he became some regular Joe I could care less about…

Anyways, the night started out with dinner and drinks at Bridge. Bridge is the type of restaurant where they probably spend way too much on lighting so they have to charge double the price for Pizza that I could get anywhere for 5 bucks. Bridge is the type of place where The Rock was sitting to the left of us and Kato Kalin and posse were to the right. The main dishes are the size of a quarter. We then headed to Cabana Club to indulge in more drinking and dancing. I walked in and immediately remembered why I dislike the LA club scene so much. All posers, all fake, not a good conversation in sight.

So I decided to just have fun with it and play some games.

The first game was with us girls which (ok you are all going to think we are mean but if you saw these guys you would understand) we would “spot the hottie” real em in and see who how many drinks we could get bought for us.

And I couldn’t find Mr. Cool… so I had to self entertain

I met a guy who was wearing jeans that, have to admit make his ass look good, but his black tight shirt was incrusted with some silver weird stuff and when he asked for my number I replied, “Aren’t you gay” – I didn’t see him again

Another guy proceeded to take out his digital camera and show me his before, after, and in process photos of his body since he had hired a personnel trainer. – I took the beer he bought me and walked away

I headed to the dance floor with some of the girls and just had the best time.

But, Mr. Cool hadn’t shown up…

I just tossed it in the wind and let myself have a good time with my friends when I got a tap on my shoulder.

“Well hello there”
The room lit up. His charisma and dynamic personality were still impossible to ignore. And, once again I got that sinking feeling in my stomach and nervousness settled in. Was my hair ok? Is my shirt in place?

“So you finally decided to show up”

“Well I couldn’t miss M’s birthday.”

“You missed me accuse a metro of being gay,” oh Rachel you could come up with something better than that!

He cracked a laugh, “hungry”?


We end up at Jerry’s deli where we remained until 5:30 AM. The group of people I was with followed suit and what it turned out to be was the best part of the night. No clubs, no fake, no posers, just me and my friends and Mr. Cool giving me butterflies in my stomach.

“So do you consider this a date”? He asked

“I don’t do dates at 4:00AM”

“Would you go on a date with me?”

Ouch. Swallowed. Coffee. Too. Fast.

“Probably not” I am such an idiot.


Oh because you are too perfect. Because you are this ideal and maybe you will see through me and see I am just a normal girl with normal needs and I am not as cool as you Mr. Cool because I am everywhere except when you talk to me I turn into a babbling nervous teenager and I am afraid to like you because then I will really like you and you might see me cry one day and…I have no idea why you make me giddy and yet nervous at the same time

But instead I say, “Well I want to be single right now. I need clarity on life by myself first. I don’t want to jump into anything too serious yet.”

“Well ain’t that a shame”

He gets up and, after paying, gives me a kiss on the cheek.

I had to have turned beet red.

“Don’t be a stranger” he said as he walked out the door and into the night.

For the next hour I sat laughing and talking with my friends, enjoying life and, well sobering up. A couple of them thought I was a right idiot for not dating Mr. Cool, but they don’t get it. I want to be comfortable with myself alone before I can be comfortable with a guy like him. But, all it takes to bring back those butterflies is knowing there are Mr. Cools out there, some of which I know, looking for a girl just like me. And for now that is all I need.

I drove home at sunrise, smiling…

Maybe LA has some magic left in it after all

Friday, May 05, 2006

Write about what you like about Republican and conservative men!

With writers block settling in today I do what I normally do and talk to friends, family and loved ones and ask them to shout out a topic they think might be interesting…

Well that in itself was interesting

The question was always the same, “Give me a topic to write about”

The answers, however, were quite different.

“How about you don’t write about men, relationships or sex so you don’t get any more stalkers”?

“I think you should write about how your damn dog peed on my leg and I had to go buy doggie diapers for him”?!?!

“I think you should write about why you like politically conservative men and not liberals and why they make better lovers”

“Two words. bulgarian philanthropists”

“Sitting next to a guy on an airplane whose breath reeks of cheese”

“Why you love Aruba so damn much.”

“Cubans swimming into the Bermuda triangle” wtf

“A surprise drug test for a kindergarten teacher.”

“How you really feel about Tom Cruise”

“Why all you women are weird” - that would take a year
“What you want in a guy” – did that

“Why you like juicy jeans”

“ Write about a few of your favorite things”

“I’ll take another topic of you dancing in your living room.”

“Write about how much of a dork you are”

Well that is a good start, any other ideas?

I have my 12 mile run tomorrow and M's birthday party tomorrow night. It is at some big giant club in LA and while I like more of the laid back, play good music type of places, M's birthday means she decides and we follow. I will probably get some interesting topics to write about out of that at least. Stay tuned!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Let's Imitate Reality...Insanity

In the span of a day and a half I have managed to have a make out session with a musician, a bad (but the good kind of bad) dream about another guy, talked to my past for the first time, been told I should come with a warning label, been propositioned, been told I cause guys to make false assumptions and am a tease, been lusted after, planned on a date with a writer, pissed off a few and made another proud of me,

Are we feeling the love? Oh hell yeah.

All you men make absolutely no sense whatsoever. But I tell you right now, you sure make life a whole lotta fun. I can make all of you men mad and happy and horny and insane but the bottom line is this world would be quite boring without all of you. Is one of you out there in this universe capable of keeping up with me? Of understanding me? Of noticing that when I bite my bottom lip or touch my stomach it means I am in the mood? Of knowing what music turns me on? Of loving the fact that I like to dance in my panties and laugh at the world? Is one of you out there capable of being my team? I know one of you is able and capable and willing to keep up with me physically, mentally, sexually, intellectually, and sexually (did I say that twice? Oopsies). I know of one of you will dream with me and yet ground me at the same time. I know one of you will call me out when I am being too cocky but comment on my ass anyway. The options are enticing, some are here just to make me believe it, cause now I finally do, and some are here to lead me into temptation. The bad bad dreams make me giggle. And until I know, life has gotten a whole lot more fun while I figure it out.

For those of you about to rock...I salute you.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Busy Times Ahead

So last night I went to some big house in the middle of nowhere, where K’s friend’s studio is built under the big house and around the corner. If I were in a horror movie, it would have been my last call. The night turned out quite fun though. Besides my stint watching a cool band record a radio show I have never actually watched someone record a song and I was very interested in the process. K let me sit in the room and got me hooked up to some headphones. He gets very very emotional when he is recording..and quite bossy HAHA. Recording vocals is a lot harder than I thought. It must be like making a movie..take after take after take. But all in all it was a good time and I am glad I got to visit an old friend. I kissed K goodnight, came home and then proceeded to keep another guy up until 2:00 because apparently I can’t shut up. Plus those of you that know me know my, “just five more minutes” rule…gets em every time.

I have today off of work because I am meeting with my academic advisor to discuss my changing of major. Meanwhile I am mapping out my road trip up the coast and fantasizing very bad bad things. If anyone has any stops they think I should make on my trek up the coast of California, let me know. I am excited to visit my friends in San Fran and drink wine and well beer too.

The next few weekends are going to be crazy busy so I am trying to enjoy as much downtime as possible until then. The rest of May looks like a circus. I will just have to sleep later.
On a side note, there are about 100 of you that read this a day…comment you bastards!!

Monday, May 01, 2006

The Male Power Source

“Hey , I don’t know what write about today, give me something to write about.”


“Well, I mean a good topic to write about”


“You want me to write about your penis”?


Well….ummm….ok then

I guess today’s topic of discussion is the penis.

*Dear Lord*

Only 7% of men in this world have their tips snipped. Most American women don’t realize this because most American men have it done. However, beware of vacations in Greece with your girlfriends because that fling with that hot guy might turn into the Sharpe buffet.

I have to wonder how so many men know how many inches long their penis is while hard. Do they sit in their bathrooms, get turned on and actually measure it with a ruler?

When a little boy is about five years old one might catch him pulling down his pants at an unsuspecting girl and shaking his wee wee while laughing at the fact that is he has an extension that moves. What many don’t realize is that 30 year old men do the same thing to their wives.

Why do so many men think with their little heads rather than their big heads? And no I am not calling it little, but unless you are Ron J. it probably is not as big as the head you have on top.

Men think about sex on average about every 4 minutes. This means you are thinking about sex at one time or another while reading this blog. Who were you thinking about? You dirty thing you!

The Average length of an erect penis is 6.14 inches (give or take depending on the study). The Average size if a normal dildo is roughly about 8 inches.

Some swear that pineapple will make the taste of semen better but studies have shown that it cannot alter the direct of taste of semen but rather a diet that is rich in protein, good fasts like Omega 3’s and fruit will help keep a guys body healthy and therefore have a less sour taste.
I asked a guy why they like girls to swallow…his answer
“Because Kleenex is too expensive”

Why do men have no problem adjusting in public? If girls grabbed at our thong underwear in public we would be looked at funny. A guy doing it around other guys, in a bar or on a baseball field is normal.

Men use their power of the penis as a direct form if exerting control. Women use their assets as a form of indirect power and therefore rule over the penis….and consequently the world.

The male hormone testosterone is what causes sex drive. Scary rides and scary movies, as well as exciting things and anything that produces endorphins also increase the testosterone levels of a female. This is why if you take a woman to a scary movie, an amusement park, or a sport activity on the first date, you are more likely to get a second date.

If a girl knows how to use her power over the penis, it can be her best friend…or her worst enemy.

When I first started dating my grandfathers one piece of advice to me about men was, “Men are like Bulls, grab ‘em by the balls and the rest will follow.”

Please let me know what you think about the penis. Anything you would like to add? Please leave in the comment section below.

Have a good day. :)