Tuesday, May 25, 2004

OK so we DO create our own reality, but we also do muddle it as well. This is the reason placebos work. This is the reason hypnosis works. Nietzsche calls this Will To Power, bending reality to ones own will. Popular self help just credits the subconscious mind. With affirmations, self talk, hypnosis, and flat our belief, we create our reality. Scientists call this physics. So if within us is the power to manifest our destiny through our own beliefs then why are so many of us living in misery? See we can fool all of the people some of the time and we can fool some of the people all of the time, but we can fool ourselves most of the time. And, in fooling ourselves are subconscious never takes a joke. We muddle our reality and everything is cloudy.

So right now reality is cloudy, but in a way the cloudiness is clearing up a little bit. Like knowing you create everything frees you up to know that only you can mess things up and only you can make things right. I figured this out years ago when my therapists told me so but I never really understood it completely until I studied Nietzsche. It is easier to be muddled and crazy and confused when you know that it is all fixable in your head. All you have to do is believe that you are ok. The thing is, everything is ok.

See I figure since I study people and how they work so much I am one of the rare people that can't fool my own self very often. I also think I am not easily fooled. I can read people pretty well and I can also read my own bullshit pretty well. Right now my mind is clear. Right now I am not writing clear. Maybe my mind has to be cloudy for me to write clear. All I know now, is that my reality is unique to me and that is ok and that life is just a series of changing realities based on beliefs. What do I believe? I have no idea.

Monday, May 24, 2004

So this weekend I was at the Long Beach Pride Festival all weekend with Brandon and it was just a blast. First off we partied on Sat. night and then all day Sunday. Sunday was the parade and then we went to the festival and I swear I have never seen so many gorgeous men all in one area in my whole life. Everywhere I turned it was eye candy. I just could not have a taste of it. it is like someone waving chocolate in front of you and then snatching it away and saying you can't eat it. :)

We danced all day Sunday as well as went to all the booths and met some really cool guys and gals. All n all it was a great weekend.

Brandon met this really hot guy who was actually a guest star on Buffy in season three (episode of Bad Girls) I knew it was him right away! He was a cutie.

Rachelle comes home tomorrow and I am glad to see her. I miss her so much and it will be good to hog her all summer.

This next weekend is going to be another fun weekend. Friday is prince and Sat. is Primus. Plus it will be right at the ending of finals so I will be sooooooo relaxed.

This last weekend I met the most gorgeous guy I have ever seen before ever (I mean besides TV and stuff)
He had spiky hair that was longer in the middle so it made a very mini mohawk. Very mini. Black hair. Green eyes. Olive skin. Torn jeans. Black wrist cuffs. Hot hot hot. But he was bi. He got my number though but I can't go out with him :(

I went to therapy today which was good because I have not gone in a month. I filled him in on everything that has been going on and I think I burned his ears off. Anyway he gave me, now his opinions because "therapists don't do that" but he had me to draw my own conclusions. Or rather my own answers to questions I have been having. He is a smart man when it comes to the essence of human nature. Well he is also a smart men when it comes to putting people with bipolar disease in remission, like I am.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

It is the end of an era. I finally watched "Not Fade Away." The final episode of Angel, and the end of Buffyverse as we know it. This is so sad. I feel like something has been taken away from me goddamnit! Stupid freaking WB! They take away the good shows. At least Joss is doing a movie based on Firefly and hopefully he will do a Buffy/Angel movie. The final episode was everything it should have been. They did not fade away. We might not win the fight, but we can sure as hell die trying and that is all that matters. That is what the show has always been about. It was one hell of a way to go.

So my mother is really upset because of some problems at work and my grandpa called me because she was not listening to him about how to fix it. He thought that maybe she would listen to me. So I called her up and I tried but the problem is she is too wrapped up in all the office muck. I tried to tell her she is focusing on the wrong things. I told her you can't focus on the future or you end up pissing on the present. If you just focus on the present the future works itselfs out. I also told her that nothing anyone says to you is because of you. She did not really understand this. SO I tried explaining me and my Grandfathers philosophy to her. I explained to her that nothing is personnel. Any insult (or compliment if you want to take it that way) someone says to you is not because of you it is because of them. It is because of their own demons or reality. So if a boss or senior partner says a nasty to her it has nothing to do with my mother it has to do with him, his own demons. The key is to not react. If you don't react, then the reason becomes clear. If you insult back then the reason is never clear. Wow it is easier to explain on paper (or computer screen)

Kipling said:
If you can meet Triumph with Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same

it is the same things with insults and compliments...Impostors
you can believe whatever you want to believe. I told my mother that she should not make these partners the master of her moods because they do things based on their own ego. Her reacting just feeds their own egos. I am not sure I helped but she sounded a little lighter on the other end of the line.

I have Long Beach pride all weekend with Brandon. It is a parade and a festival with singers like Patti LaBelle etc. Plus 60,000 people and 5 dollar water. This is going to be one fun weekend, that is if I am sober enough to remember it.

I feel bad because next weekend Lyndseys boyfriend Jared is coming into town to visit and we are all supposed to show him around town on Friday night and Saturday night. Only problem is I have prince with my mom Friday night and Primus with the brothers and the boys Saturday night and Lyndsey is going to be so disappointed. I will just meet up with them after the concert but I know she was so excited for Jared to meet her friends. Even though I have such a bad feeling about this guy I have to admit I am curious to meet him to. If anything to give him the third degree about what type of guy he is. I don't think he is good enough for Lyndsey I just have a feeling. Hopefully I am wrong. I could be. Maybe his phone voice just sounds rash.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

I went to dinner with my boys tonight....Well two of them. Me, Ozzie, and Nir went to Friday's and it was great because I had not seen Ozzie in a few months. He has become a hermit since he started law school but he looks better than ever. I would even have to say he looks hot which I must have told him five times. Man he is going to make some woman very happy.

Me and Nir we assumed our usual make fun of each other roles. I wish I could see him more so we could make fun of each other even more.

Angel is over :( at least for now...

But Jasmine finally got voted off, it is about bloody time!

I also found out who the ghost was who moved my car in the middle of the night....yup it was NIR!!! I should have known. He said he knew I always leave my keys in my car and was trying to teach me a lesson. I told him I thought it was a ghost. He laughs.

I got accepted into my third choice study abroad program...The safety one. I am still waiting on the other two.

I am excited to go to Primus, it will be cool to hear it live. Also excited to go to Prince and to Madonna with the mom, I think I am turning her into a concert junky..Well when she goes to them with me anyway.

I really need to find a new job, I am just disliking my job more and more everyday. I need to quit before I start to dislike dancing because of it. it is just hard to quit a job when your boss is like your second mother. I have known Dede since I was three and I could not do anything bad to her. But, out of all the teachers there is one I will not miss....Tiffany. The rudeness of her just irks me. Tracy says to talk back to her but I just find myself ignoring it and it provokes her to be more rude. I know why she is only rude to me, I am the only teacher close to her age, everyone else is older. I am an easy target but I am sick of target practice. She acts like the boss of me and I only have one boss...Dede. But, being the youngest teacher..Well Tiffany needs someone to try to boss around. It just sucks because I used to love my job. Maybe I am just burned out...Ready to move on. I know I am not going to be a dancer teacher my whole life, but I grew up there and I love that place. It is my oasis, how can I leave without really leaving?? I also need a job that gives me more hours so there is more money to pay for all my careless spending behavior. Man I know I am better with money than I was a year ago, but I have so much more to learn. Hey if my uncle could learn, I must be able to learn.

Mood today was happy, but what am I going to do with no new episodes of the Buffyverse!!!!

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

This semester is in it;s home stretch and I think I am going to pull out mostly A's. I am two for two as far as good semesters go since I have been back at school. I can't believe how different it is this time around. I don't think I need the disability office anymore.

Maytal has gone to Israel now, gone for two days and I miss her already. My mom won't let me visit her and I really understand why. She would be so freaked out if I went.

I got invited to Primus by Shaun, so I am going with him, my brother and anyone else I want to invite and whoever else he invites. What a fun day that is going to be.

Angel finale is tomorrow. It is the end of Buffyverse and I am feeling the grief already. :(

The fellowship people at Santa Barbara are all pissed off at Ethan but he has been TA'ing for free. They think it takes away from his research time and yet they said nothing about asking him to stop the last few semesters. Now he is in trouble with them and I think it is just a load of crap. If they hated him TA'ing why did they not say anything before. He had a meeting with them today, I hope he told them to get over themselves. OK no that would not have worked. But, I do hope he told them to shove it up their arses. Ok no that would not work either. But..I do hope the meeting worked itself out.

This weekend I am going with Brandon to Long Beach Pride. It is an entire weekend of pride parades and parties with about 60,000 people. I think it might be more fun than anything, we are even staying in a dodgy hotel so we can party all night long. Brandon has been dieting because there are going to be so many hot guys there.

Amy told me today that in August her and Nir are going to visit Edan in New York. I felt something like a sadness that I could not describe. But I figured out what it was. See I miss Edan so much that it hurts. Life in California is not the same without him. So I really just have to see him, I have to visit him. So that made me sad. But, then what made me sad was that Amy is going with Nir to see him and not me. Or rather I was not asked to go along. Now I would never expect to be asked because it is a girlfriend/boyfriend vacation, but Edan is my friend and I just miss him so much. In other circumstances I would be the one to go with Nir because me and him were closest to Edan. But, then again Ozzie is not going either. So maybe just what saddens me is the fact that I don't get to talk to Edan all the time now. I don't get to see Edan all the time. I hope he comes back to California when he is does with school. Edan once told me that he would always take care of me no matter what. I know I will always take care of him. It is just hard when friends are so far away.

I finally finished my history paper and turned it in. I am not expecting anything more than a B on that paper, it was really crappy compared to how I normally write. Oh well , at least it is over. Two finals left and I am so done!!!

Monday, May 17, 2004

Uncle Murrey died but in a way I am kind of glad he did. OK that came out wrong, just glad he is not in pain anymore. He did not even know who he was for the past year or so anyway and my aunt died a couple years ago. I am just glad he is not even in pain anymore.

Fountains of Wayne was a good show and I had a lot of fun. Dance Competition yesterday was a good how and I had a lot of fun.

Myatal left for Israel today to begin her three month internship. That was not so fun. I really don't know what I am going to do without her for three months. Maybe I can pretend it is like that time we got in a fight and did not talk for a month. Just multiply is by three! OK I doubt that will work, I am just going to have to settle for missing her.

One week left of school...wooo hoo!!!!
I just have to pray a lot to get my good grades I so need right now.

Sunday, May 16, 2004

Jason told me that if he did not move to Japan he would want to be with me. Rotten timing. He also told me when he first met me I was intimidating. Wonderful. I am not sure what to believe anymore. He also said he would never be with me now because " I had my chance before."
I really hate how people think I don't have feelings. Well I do and they can get hurt. They do hurt more then anyone knows. I feel things. I feel things very deeply. Because of the way my brain is, probably more deeply than most people. Yet, people regard me as someone that can never get hurt.
It is like when Thomas told me, "I on the other hand wear my heart on my sleeve." The other hand meaning unlike you I guess. Funny thing is my heart is always on my sleeve and all it does is get ripped apart by people who think it is not there.
I have a funny feeling anyway that Thomas is getting really sick and tired of me. It makes me sad because I felt like I found someone I was actually comfortable talking to, and he just keeps slipping away. I thought we were friends. For a while I did not know what to think but he made that clear by rejecting me. Then I thought we were friends and yet I always feel like he is talking to me out of some sort of obligation. In a way he is talking to me just like Omri did right before we broke up, forever annoyed.
I don't give enough credit to how much Omri screwed me up. I have lied to myself and I have lied to everyone about what happened. Maybe if I write it all down it will help. Talk about how he manipulated me into doing things. Like he would break up with me if I did not do certain things. Maybe talk about how he reduced me into a poor pathetic pulp of what I used to be. maybe I can talk about how that mugging in France left me broken and he did not care. I felt so vulnerable after him that I became hard. I did not want to care about anyone. But, I can lie to people and put up a good front but the truth is I am still me. I can try not to but I can still feel. I hide it until I get in my room or my "spot" down at Corona. I can then be myself without having to worry about anyone making me feel vulnerable. I can cry about all the things I wish I could feel in public. I just can't. I will get hurt again. Everytime I try to show one sliver of feeling I get hurt anyway. I get rejected. I get used as a punching bag. It is my fault. I put up a front that I am strong enough to be a punching bag. SO I take the punches and go home and clean them up by myself. I am getting really good at that.
The thing is I might be good at that, but now no one knows me. No one knows that I feel because I never show them that I do. No one knows that being mugged made me feel like the weakest person alive. No one knows exactly how Omri treated me. No one knows that I am afraid to get close to anyone because I look at them and see the potential for them to hurt me. No one knows that I am afraid to love anyone because they will one day die like Matt did and I would not know how to handle that. No one knows that I have not let myself like anyone for the past year and a half and then I tried feeling a little something and it did not work, so I stopped feeling. No one knows this and it is all my fault.
The past few weeks have been a blur. The problem with the money, which ok I got a pretty good handle on that. Thomas telling me I was an awesome girl and he had feelings for me and then rejecting me because of the one fault I am insecure about, making me feel like once again it was all a lie. Jason telling me he would have dated me if he had not left for Japan but he was intimidated by me. The fight with Nir and Amy, which thank god is over and done with. And all of this going on while I am slowly walking down the path that leads to May 28th. The day I have to go to the cemetery and be reminded that people I care about die before they are supposed to.
It is good that I am single, then I won't get hurt. I can remain comfortably numb.
OK that did not make me feel any better, but it helps a little to tell it like it is, even if it is to a computer.

Friday, May 14, 2004

You know I have given up hope on the possibility that I know anything or can predict anything. I really can't say anything follows a right pattern anymore. Which makes no sense because I was under the belief that everything has meaning...Everything is a reason.
Now I am not moving toward becoming a nihilist but maybe existentialism is the right way of going about things. You know people thought Nietzsche was a big pessimist who was just grumpy all the time. In actuality he was a pretty cheerful fellow...Odd but cheerful. Maybe he was right all along. We are not what we say. We are not what we think. The thing that makes us who we are is what we do. Our actions define us. If we own up to our actions and take responsibility for them then that is all that counts. We are authentic. I can be what I want to be as long as I take responsibility of my actions. We can't trust what people say but we can trust what they do. That is what has meaning. The only meaning there is is the meaning we create through our actions.
I know this is extreme but in The Stranger he was never really sad...Never happy either but he just took things for what they were. No deeper meanings. No hidden signals. All life was based on the actions. I am starting to think this is the right way to look at things. And, in actuality I don't think it is a pessimistic view at all. If someone says they love you but their actions say otherwise, they don't really love you. If someone says they are honest and lie, then they are still a liar. My life and who I am is created by my actions only, that is the only meaning that matters.

Brandon has become so important to me it is hard to imagine my life without him. I think it was fate that brought him to me. Seriously he is the best boyfriend besides the fact that he is gay. He even told me he would sleep with me if I was straight hahahaha (he ever wrote that in my friendster profile!)
It is weird how people come into our lives in the weirdest ways. Just a slight change in the universe and they could never have entered our range of vision and then there it is, they show up. It sometimes feels impossible to really connect with people. We meet people and they come and go and pass through our lives and usually no real connection is made. Some people use you for power, others you use for power, some are a crutch and some are just there to pass the time. Then some people come along and you feel like they get you, they understand you. They don't think you are an icy cold heartless person and they see through all false personas. They see the real you, good and bad, and love you for it. Brandon sees me and thinks I am perfect. I think Brandon is a light.
There are other people in my life that I feel see me in all actuality. It is rare nowadays when most relationships are built on the need for power. In fact, if I was to stick with this existential view on life then I would have to say all relationships are based on the nneed for power. I think I am just grateful to have people in my life that I love or can love. I am grateful that the people I look up to are wonderful people. I have a few toxic relationships I need to work out but for the most part I think I am doing ok.

In the other type of relationship front, I have now been single for a year and five months. I don't think I can close my eyes and remember what it feels like to lay there and cuddle with a man. I don't remember what it is like to feel loved like that mostly because I have made it impossible to do so. I don't remember what it is like to kiss someone I care about (drunken Vegas and New years does not count) Here is the weird thing, I don't mind. I know I have been so closed off the past year but I think that is ok. If my actions are acting single, by law I am going to remain single and that is ok. I don't want anyone who can't see me the way I am. I don't want anyone who can't be ok with my flaws. I don't want anyone who does not take the time to try to connect with me. I don't want to be with someone who is metrosexual!!! When the person that comes along that gets me the way my family does and the way some of my friends do then I will be ready for a relationship. For now I am happy being me.

OK so on a lighter but slightly more painful note, I sunbathed topless and that was one huge mistake. The, eh, parts of me that don't see the sun that often are quite burnt and it hurts like all hell. I also have a huge cut on the end of my nose which makes me look like a slightly cuter version of Rudolph. Add that to the redness that is me I would say I look like a big ole mess. Maybe it is a good thing that I could not go to Brendan's show tonight, I might have gotten some weird looks. Nah just kidding I am actually sad I could not go to Brendan's show and Brandon was so sad he could not go because he has been looking forward to meeting Brendan. Well next time.

Sunday, May 09, 2004

The world would be so much easier if we could distinguish the good from the bad. In the movies and TV shows we always know the good guy from the bad guy, I wish the real world were that easy. I think we all have a little darkness in us. No one is a saint and not many people are pure sinners. Everyone gets mean. Buffy was truthful in this manner. Anya, Willow and even Buffy have had their bouts with evil. Angel turned evil for a little bit too. So where do we draw the line? Does love draw the line? We accept the darkness of those we love.
I went out with Maytal tonight and she was telling me how Anna turned all evil in Vegas. Maytal is too trusting, I could have told her Anna had a dark side. But then I got to thinking...
Somewhere in this world there is someone who thinks a bad day of mine was me being evil. Somewhere in this world there is someone who thinks I am an innocent little lamb.

I used to be a very trusting person. I also used to be spineless. Back in high school I tried so hard to fit in that I compromised my self worth to do so. I have changed completely since then but I don't think I fit in anywhere now. I have my friends who love me dearly but sometimes I just feel like I don't have a circle to fit in. I have a hard time trusting people these days. I want to and I have succeeded with a few people and of course my family. I just look back and wonder, when did I become so hard? And does hard mean unloveable?

I can read people very well and I see patterns in human behavior that I am rarely wrong with. Call it intuition or call it a good memory but people behave in patterns. Overly nice to overly mean. The reason is always the same. Gossip...The reason is always the same. People acting out of character...The reason is always the same. I just hate when I can read the reason and get no honest answers. It hurts.
Love and friendship...Now there is something I have yet to pin down. Friends stick by you through the shitty times of your live. Sometimes love dies. Sometimes people die.

I drove home from LA tonight in a melancholy state. I had a great time but Maytal leaves the country next week for four months and I am not sure what I am supposed to do without her. So driving home I was thinking that maybe it all has to do with the fact that this is May and it makrs the end of things and the beginning of new things. Turning points. People die. People leave. People get mean.
Then I looked up at the moon and it was the most gorgeous moon I have ever seen. It illuminated the partial clouds around it with an orange glow and the massive size of this three quarter moon took my breath away. I am not sure if I have seen a moon look this big.
This moon made me stop and take it all back. Yes people do die, but there are many people still alive to love. People do leave and people do get mean, but if we just let go and focus on now, on what we have now then maybe everything will work out.
Death is inevitable and quite often people are taken from us when they should not have been. People leave that is inevitable too. We can shut down and become hard, or we can just let go. The latter is harder to do but it keeps us alive.

Friday, May 07, 2004

I have now figured out why I try not to let myself care about anyone. Even the nice ones act mean to me. I know I can be difficult but I also know I am a good person, so until I figure things out, the wall has to go up.
It is easier to be in a shell. Over the last year or so my life has been virtually pain free inside my shell, it is time I go back in. Hard as a rock.

I feel better already

These last few days have been an odd few days for me. I have to wonder if we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again until it eventually fades away and we become different people. The thing is I thought I had become a different person. More responsible, less flighty. So how in the name of all things holy did I get myself into debt again?!?!
I thought I knew what I was doing and I don't. And, I have to wonder if I just have to give up all hope and just be the person who is bad with money. Do I have to be the impulsive girl who burns holes in her pockets forever?
What is a more pressing question is, does this make me a bad person? There have been people who have not liked me in the past because they see how I spend my money. This makes me torn. I vowed to never change for anybody, but are they right?
I just wish I could be that girl that never messes up with she balances her checkbook. The one that can walk by a Tower Records and not spend my whole paycheck.

Odd thing number two -
Nir called my mother. I was not answering his calls so he called my mother. I have no doubt my mom gave him a piece of her mind since she felt disrespect but somehow I get a call telling me to answer the phone when Nir calls. So Nir calls me and begins to tell me HIS side of the story. He did apologize for the letter saying it was just the heat of the moment and he was pissed. OK that I can understand. We all say and do stupid crap when we are mad...I know I do.
he also said that from his side it had looked like I was going behind his back asking his broke girlfriend for the money and he felt like I...Well I don't exactly know. Tears got shed of course, being that I get all sentimental.
he told me if he had known I was broke he would have given me the money pronto but I never said anything. Well ok I never said it was urgent but I hate asking for money back. I like giving it away not taking it. He also said even if he had not owed me the money, if he had known I needed it it would give it to me in a heartbeat.
Bottom line is I guess we are ok again.
I did tell him how much I felt shortchanged and I felt like he was missing so many things in my life. I am not really sure what to think. It might take a while but I hope our friendship goes back to what it was. He is like a brother to me and I know he loves me. I guess it will all be ok. I hope it will be ok, being as other stuff in my life is not ok.

Onto happier news, I think my grades have gone up. Maybe not all A's this semester but I can deal with that being as I hate my history class. I might get three A's, which is a great great thing.

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

OK it has been a while...Lets recap shall we

Wednesday - had a show of Brendan's. Because of a screw up he did NOT sing Drive.

Friday - I went to the d-land for the first time in years. It was so much fun I could scream. I went on pirates and even star tours. Talk about nostalgia! I also ran into a slight problem when I walked into the Nightmare Before Christmas store. That place was dangerous. I got a hoodie, a pen, some buttons a blanket and a Jack tank watch. Well there went my bank account once again. It's ok, one of these days I will learn to save money,...or at least learn to hold on to a little bit of it. But it was Jack! I could not resist Jack.
Thomas and Terra must have looked at me like I was nuts. Oh well. Terra I had met for the first time, she was a really really nice girl and we all got along great.

Friday night - the forbidden Zone! There was a midnight screening and oh man was it awesome. Attendees included me my brother, Josh, Shaun and Thomas. Thomas was really tired but he managed to wake up before the movie and I think he really liked it. Man I am so in love with Danny Elfman. Is there anything he can't do? After the movie there was a Q&A with Richard Elfman and I actually won a Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo CD signed by Richard and Danny Elfman. Ok well I did not actually win it, more like begged for it. Whatever works!

Saturday was off to Coachella and because of Amy's foot Shaun's friend Julian took her ticket. So it was me and four guys. Talk about testosterone overload. Saturday I saw part of Trail of the Dead, Beck, a little of Death Cab for Cutie, Sparta, the Pixies and Radiohead. The Pixies truly took peoples breath away. I stood there in a tight squeeze amongst thousands of fans and watched Frank Blank pour his heart into every song. The sun was setting in the background casting this orange glow over everything. I just remember looking at him then looking at the sunset and wondering, "Does it get any better than this?"
If that wasn't enough, Radiohead came on soon after. This was my first Radiohead experience and I did not know what to expect. Mostly because Brendan had said how much they sucked both times he saw them live. Well I was hoping and praying Thom would sing a lot of OK Computer as well as Street Spirit. As far as Street Spirit everyone told me not to get my hopes up. Well the third song in was Lucky and soon after he played Exit music, so I knew it was going to be an Ok Computer kind of night. And, as my luck would have it they closed out the main set with Street Spirit. I was blown away by the whole damn thing. The only problem was I was about 100 feet away from the stage during the Pixies and Radiohead so I could really only see Frank and Thom either on the screen or when Thomas lifted me up. I corrected that on Sunday
Sunday was an interesting but fun day. I wanted to be able to see the bands without climbing on top of Thomas (ehh that came out wrong) so I split up from the boys and headed over to the front during the horrific band of Thursday. I met some fellow fans who were really nice and we made plans on how to sneak to the front. I am good at that, being small and all. So after the Thursday fans cleared out we made it about five rows back from the front for Belle and Sebastian. After that was Air which I got even closer for and by the time The Flaming Lips came on I was in the front. Ok front row at Coachella is so not like the front row at REM concerts. It was 110 degree's and there is no room to even breathe. Everyone is pushing and shoving and you can't even move your arms it is so squished. Then Wayne decided to surf the crowd in a big bubble and everyone pushed even more to the front. Cut to...Rachel loosing oxygen. Rachel having an orgasm over Wayne. Rachel not being able to move. Rachel having a grand ole' time. Security guards were passing out water and pouring it on us and I was determined to stick it through. Damn I wish I could hang more. After the Cure sang Facination Street I passed out somehow. There was a domino effect of falling onto Rachel and Rachel got smothered.
So I woke up being carried away by a security guard and all I could think is YEAH! I am a rock n roll GODDESS!!! Ok maybe not, I was in massive amounts of pain. But damn was it all worth it.
Overall I had the best time over the weekend and I even have the bruises to prove it!