Wednesday, September 27, 2006

A Week of Lessons

The Best Sales Tactic Ever

“Hey check these shoes out” I say as I point out a pair of 600 dollar Manolos.

“OK I just lost my hard on.”

“What?? They are so cute.” I sound defeated. My ploy is not working.

I think for a minute.

“Well, picture me in them naked.”

“Alright, hard on is back.”

The shoes are mine.

Way Not to Pick Up A Woman

“Hey, do you like older men”?

“Well not too much older.”

This guy is 45. Drunk. Rich.

“Well how do you feel about spanking”?

Excuseeeeeeeeeeee moi?

Best Way To Achieve Anything – Assume you already have

“What are you”?

“I am a hot ass writer is what I am,” I say confidently.

“But, you have not been published yet,” Mr. Obvious states.

“What the hell does that have to do with anything”?!?!

Best Way to Ignore - Walk Away

“Hey Rach, I am sorry about the Angels.” I get from a phone call

GO OAKLANDDDDDD – I get from my A’s fan friend as a text,

I look at the computer.

I look at the phone.

“I gotta go to bed,” I say as I hang up the phone.

I turn off the computer

Head to my pillow.

And pout till bedtime.

Best Way To Figure Out What You Want

“I think my problem is I am not sure what job to get,” I say to my mentor.

“Well, that’s easy, ask yourself what you would do for free Then do that.”

“That’s easy. Writing of course!” I exclaim.

I think for a minute…

“But, I need to find a job to make money first. You have to work hard for the money.”

“Rach, if that were true, ditch diggers would be millionaires.”


“Bottom line Rach, do what you love and the money will follow,” she says with a sincere smile.

And the final lesson learned this week…

Best Way to Get Anything You Want


: )

Monday, September 25, 2006

All Foreplay No Orgasm

All Foreplay No Orgasm

It is Friday night. Two people. One Angels fan and one Padres fan. Chris Young is pitching a No-Hitter and it is the top of the ninth with two outs to go. This would be the first in Padres history.

The tension is building up as superstitions come out.

“He is pitching a GOOD game. Don’t say it Don’t say it.”

(You cannot say someone is pitching a No-Hitter until the end of the game. Bad luck.)

The other team gets a home run. The first hit of the game. Chris Young disappoints. Padres still win but a feeling of dissatisfaction follows.

All foreplay.

Meanwhile back with the Angels game. The score is 4/4 and we are in the 12th inning. My fists are clenched. Time stops.

We lose.

No Orgasm.

So many things in life cause lots of buildup with no delivery. A disappointing game. A job we had high hopes for. That really hot guy that looked like he knew what he was doing.

We all need to start packing a punch outside the bedroom.

Give me an Orgasm.

Give me a No Hitter

Give me a win after a freaking long game.

Give me the climax.

Or I might just have to scream.

Friday, September 22, 2006

The Turning Point

This October my grandparents are celebrating the 10-year anniversary of their house burning to the ground along with every thing they had ever owned. Weird thing to celebrate you are thinking right?

Well, the point of the celebration is to celebrate rebirth. It is evidence that even though sometimes we can lose everything and stand in the ashes of was once our life and rebuilt it even better than it was before.

Their house grew back; they built the house of their dreams in its place. They created a palace. And slowly but surely new memories were created.

They say that in everyone’s life there is always a clearing, a clean slate, and a proverbial rug being pulled out from under us. It leaves us with a Tabula Rasa, a chance to either sink or swim, to get up and walk or stay on the ground in the comforts of misery.

This year has been my clearing. Everything that I associated with myself was lost. People died. People left. Jobs became no more. I was left standing with nothing.

Now as I look at the past months I think of what can become of Tabula Rasa. I was left standing with nothing because I had to become happy with nothing before I could ever be happy with something. So I put myself to work. I worked on me without anything to define myself or anything to rely on.

It is easy to distract ourselves from the ugly insecurities we have when we have busy jobs, projected relationships, drama, and what not. But without all of it we are confronted with all that ugly and there is no choice but to sink or swim. Clear the muck and move on creating the life that we are meant to live….that we WANT to live.

At times the “work” we have on ourselves is a lot harder than going to a job every day. It is shitty and ugly and painful.

But what happens, and what happened to me, is I slowly became a new person. Stereotypes that I had about myself and others had about me have slowly begun to drift away. A new me is born and what she is is better than I ever thought possible. Creative ideas are flowing. My focus is clearer. Life is changing..slowly but surely

The turning point came when I surrendered to the way I thought things should be and just accepted the way things are. It is when I threw my hands up into the sky and gave up control, gave up knowing, gave it all up. I became free and I became different somehow.

So I can be negative and tell myself, "Well I have not found a fulfilling job yet," or "I am not published yet," or whatnot. Or I can focus on how far I have come in the past few months. I am living successfully on my own when no one ever thought I could. I was given a new pet as a gift from my brother, the greatest gift he has ever given. I have been responsible in my job applications. I have found new relationships. I have become responsible and hard working. I have grown up. I have gained new insights about what my goals are. I have run a half marathon. I have maintained my fitness and nutrition regimen. I have grown in my craft. I have not only found my confidence again but I have fallen in love with me as I am. (or am starting to which is a start) Not bad right?

The turning point was the burning down of the house.

The new beginning was being the Phoenix that rose from the ashes.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

A Few "Rules" I Follow

Check and see if the guy opens the door for you. Small gesture. Big telling sign.

Open the door for the elderly. Just do it.

Never snap your fingers at the waiter. They are not servants.

Try not to yell at the customer service representative. It is shooting the messenger.

Always tip 18 – 20%- 25% at a nice restaurant. Don’t double the tax. Especially if you had alcohol. (alcohol is not taxed so you will under-tip.)

Don’t talk on your cell phone in line.

Applying lip-gloss in public is ok. But go to the restroom to apply anything else.

Treat everyone with respect, unless they prove that they cannot be respected.

Shake hands when being introduced to someone.

Remember birthdays and anniversaries. Very important.

Don’t walk ahead of your date, ever. If they walk slower, then you walk slower.

Say “please” and “thank you” to the waiter, it goes a long way.

At the grocery store, if you have a lot and the person behind you has very few, let them go ahead of you.
In the ladies room, let the pregnant woman go ahead of you if there is a line.

When you get into an elevator and are standing near the buttons, ask the other patrons what floor they would like to go to and push the button for them.

Silverware – Start from the outside going in.

Try your hardest not to fart in the elevator.

Always end emails, phone conversations, face conversations and instant messages with a proper ending. I.E Thank you, I look forward to hearing from you, love you, have a great day, see ya soon, ttfn, etc. etc.

Accept gifts and compliments with a thank you. Rejecting a gift or a compliment is like rejecting that person who gives it or calling him/her a liar.

What are some of the things you all follow?

Monday, September 18, 2006

Illusions and Magic

When I was about ten years old, I saw a magician perform at a company party hosted by my father’s work. I was mesmerized from the get go and spent the entire evening following this magician around from table to table, hell bent of learning a few things. From that day forward I wanted to be a magician. This guy was very enamored by me that he even spent a bit of time teaching me a few tricks.

I was in utter awe. It was all an illusion. Subtle trickery that, even though any adult knew it was not real, could still cause them to become wide eyed little children, amazed at what their eyes were seeing.

In the few years that followed, I spent countless hours studying the craft. I went to magic shops. I got books on the craft. I practiced in my room and on my family. I “performed” for anyone I could get to sit down for a minute. I actually became quite good for a teeny tiny tot.

Today, though not a professional magician, I still love the idea of magic. We know it is an illusion. We know it is not real. And yet, we sit in front of our TVs, pay hundreds of dollars for Copperfield tickets, watch documentaries on Houdini and still can’t get enough.

This weekend I had the pleasure of seeing the movie, The Illusionist. The movie had its flaws, but the effect it set out to achieve worked beautifully. The movie, in of itself, is an illusion and yet it remains magical at the same time.

Is magic an illusion? Is it real? Do we rely on it as a source for entertainment or is there a way, if we take away all of our adult cynicism that we can remain starry eyed kids where magic IS real and the laws of nature don’t apply?

What about the mix of magic and law…metaphysics. Is that not magic? Is mind dynamics magic or an illusion? What about hypnosis? Is that not magic? NLP? Law of Attraction?

Is everything just an illusion? Do we only see what we want to see? Ignoring the trickery and slight of hand that goes on behind the curtains.

My love for magic never turned into a career (thank goodness for that because seriously they make bupkiss), but one thing it did teach me is to never only trust what only the eyes can see.

So…tell me…

Do you believe in magic?

Friday, September 15, 2006

Are We All Masochists?

“Rach, what are you doing”?

“I just got home..” I reply to the phone.

I can’t sleep, it is the middle of the night and what I find myself doing is spending the last hour “window” shopping on the Internet.

I am such a Masochist.

“I am on Kill me now.”

After a few clicks I am brought to a pair of Manolo Slouch boots. Priced at 1050 dollars. Hmmmmm rent or Manolos? Tough decision.

The new pair of Louboutins…700 dollars for a shoe crafted so beautifully I might cry.

“Why do you do this to yourself Rachel”?

“Its fun that’s why”!!

And it really is. Will I ever buy a 1000-dollar pair of boots? Not likely. (ok that’s a lie I tell just so you all don’t think I am crazy but when I am a millionaire you bet your ass I am going to get those.)

My grandmother told me that when they were really poor, they used to go down to the rich neighborhoods and find open houses they could walk around. This was how they spent their Sunday afternoons.

Sometimes I head over to to oogle my dream home.

I know we all do this. Salivate over things we can’t afford just for fun.

Is it masochism? Are we just torturing ourselves?

There is that Chloe handbag.


Those Manolos are the most perfect boots I have ever seen.


Yes….it is Masochism.

My name is Rachel Heather and I let fashion torture me.

“Hello Rachel.”


Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Falling in Love With our Bodies

I need your Women’s Psychology opinion on something”

“Ask away”

This might be interesting…

“Well I just got an email from a girl that I did some work for, and she had seen the work I did and she thinks she looks fat in all of it.”

“Her exact words please”?

Sometimes men can be so lost

“Her words were, ‘Well you can use it but I look like a fat cow’! or something like that.”

Tsk tsk tsk.

“Oh honey, she just wants a compliment’!


“If a women tells a guy she looks fat in a picture or something, she is just trying to get you to say, ‘oh don’t be silly you look gorgeous’ DUH”

Now obviously this women is a little less than pleased with her body and while I normally would say to ignore it, this is someone he works with and when it comes to business I always think it is better to feed someone’s ego. Agree or no?

“But, Rachel..I don’t want to lie to her”!

Men do it as well. Men who boast about their penis size, their bank account or their stellar performance in the bedroom are usually harboring insecurity about said subject.

Women just go about it in a more passive-aggressive way.

“You women are so weird. Why not just be happy with your bodies just the way they are”?

Good question I thought to myself.

That is a very good question.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Welcome to the UnTaboo Generation

“Did you see the premiere of Nip/Tuck”?

“Yes, of course I did”! I almost shouted.

“Well, I am now addicted to that show. You should have seen your brother when it was on. He could hardly believe they do THAT on cable.”

I have a mental picture of my mother, father, and brother sitting around the sofa watching Dr. Christian Troy get it on with a mother/daughter duo but I shudder and quickly erase the picture from my mind.

“That show is something else,” my father mumbles with a goofy grin.

This is all too much.

Nip/Tuck – the ultimate in family entertainment. I should have never introduced them to the show to begin with. I will be haunted with those images for the rest of my life.

Later on, while in the comforts of my apartment where I can watch Nip/Tuck without the embarrassment of my mother sitting next to me, I am alerted by the familiar “bing” of an IM alert.

****** - "Hey Rach!"

It is my 11-year-old cousin in New York. This is the way my family communicates now. No joke. When I lived at home, my mother would IM me to ask questions rather than take the trip down the stairs.

Arubarachel – "Hey babe, how is my favorite cousin?"

****** - "I am really good :) I can’t wait for you to come visit. You can meet my boyfriend."

Excuse me? Ok, I admit it; I had a boyfriend in kindergarten. But, playing house and playing doctor was our relationship in its entirety. I believe boys still had coodies at the age of 11.

Arubarachel – "You have a boyfriend?"

******* - "LOL, yeah. Oh, he is here brb."

What happened to kids spending the afternoon playing Barbie?

Here lies Americans in the 21st century. Long gone are the days where families gathered around to play Monopoly. Instead we sit around and discuss the sex-lives of our favorite TV characters. Little girls have boyfriends (albeit innocent ones) at the age where I had no idea what a boyfriend stood for. We openly talk about bodily functions. Private parts are no longer private and public conversations can center around sex, periods and sperm..often all at the same time.

Another IM “bing”

****** "OUCH!"

Arubarachel – "what?"

******* "I just sneezed and farted at the same time."

See what I mean?

The phone rings and interrupts my thoughts. It is a dear friend calling to find out my weekend plans.

“Let’s see a movie”

“How about a baseball game instead?” I ask.

“Am I buying the tickets then?” he asks without being serious.

“Of course you are.”

“Well then Road Head is required for payment.”

“Nice try,” I say, “See what tickets you can find.”

I hang up the phone and sit for a minute to think. Where along the lines did any taboo subject start hanging out, in the open for all eyes to see? When did all this happen?

I can’t say I mind….It makes for excellent conversation.

Friday, September 08, 2006

25 Peeps

Don't know how this happened..but I am on

so click here

and refer me

cause I am applying for jobs all day

and need more entertainment.

so click here

and have a Happy Friday

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Taking Away The Fear

I know I asked all of you what you would do different if you took away your fears. I never told you what I would do.

I have had a lot of time to think about things the past couple of weeks. Mainly because I am not working as much as I would like to and my classes are not requiring as much study time as I anticipated. In some ways this is a good thing for I have had the chance to just BE. I have had time to write. I have had time to realize that this fictional story in my head of what I thought I was I just that – fiction.

I believe a lot of what is said to us growing up gets absorbed easily and therefore it becomes a belief rather quickly.

I have had two teachers in my scholastic history that have taken the time to tell me how smart I am or how talented I am. My 5th grade teacher Mrs. Fry, with whom is still a family friend today, made me feel like a freaking genius. She encouraged my writing, she used positive reinforcement, and pointed out all the talents I never knew I had. She made me want to come to class and made learning fun. Then there was Mr. Rupp in high school. He thought I was spectacular. He thought I was this amazing talent just waiting to be discovered. The words he used in my yearbook, which I still remember today, were, “You are like the atomic bomb, who knew so much could come out of something so little.”
But two teachers out of countless does not a belief make. The rest – well what can I say about them. I was told I was dumb. I was told I was a horrible writer, or horrible at math or horrible at something. When I got an A on a test I was accused of cheating. My parents were called and told how much of a “trouble maker” I was.

They all made me hate school.

My life has had a lot of changes this year and now I am on this leading edge. I have created this clean slate – this Tabula Rasa – in which I can now walk in a direction of my choosing.

At first I was scared. Could I follow my dream? Could I make it happen? What about what I have been told? Now mind you I have never once had a family member, a boyfriend, a friend or anything of that nature call me dumb or not talented.

So the past few months I have realized something.

Those teachers didn’t know shit about me. They were projecting their issues.

With a lot of work I have been able to stomp a lot of those beliefs I used to carry with me into the ground. They are not buried completely but at least I have been doing the introspective changes to get there.

I have been applying for jobs in the field I have always wanted to be in. I have been contacting networks. I have been taking the first step. I have enrolled in some media classes. I have been getting help with my resume. I have been working on getting my ass in the door.

Martin Luther King once said, “Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase just take the first step.”

So here I am. Clean Slate. 24 years of feeling less than genius gone with the wind.

And I am not there yet.

But I am taking the first steps.

It feels fucking fantastic.

Friday, September 01, 2006

What Would Be Different...If You Take Away The Fear

Just a quick note to say I am going away for the holiday weekend. I shall be back on Tuesday with, I am sure, some great stories to share : )

For now I want to leave you all with a question. You don’t have to answer it right away if you don’t want to but just sit and ponder it. Answer it if you want, leave it anonymous if you must but I just want you all to think about this

What would you do…if you were not afraid?

Whenever I had a problem or a conflict in my head or any confusion and I asked a wise wise person what I should do..this is the question that was given to me.

You all know. It is that crossroads. That fork in the road. The weary feeling. The confusion. The stress.

The question is something to ponder and I want all you readers to think about this one.

What would you do if you knew when you jumped that a net was down there?

What would you do if you knew you would not get hurt?

What would you do if you knew that when you swung you could not strike out.

What would you do..if you took away the fear?

Think of it this way. Fill in the blanks. "If I were not afraid of _________, I would ____________"

Ok, that’s all : ). Think about it. Have a great one!