Tuesday, August 31, 2004

There is nothing worse than being sick. All I can do is sit at home, do nothing, not exorcise, sniffle and pout. I started school and my classes are hard as hell this semester. My romantics class is harder than I ever thought possible. I have no clue what I was thinking by skipping the prerequisite for this course. I now realize there is a big difference between reading Keats, Blake, Byron and Joyce and actually studying said authors. Combine this with the fact that over half the class is graduate students and I feel like a pretty big nobody. These people are shouting out theory they know from semesters of study and I am just a reader of prose. Can being a lover of the romantic authors be enough? Can being in agreement that literature of power is more important of literature of knowledge get me an A in a class I am not supposed to be in?

In other news, I got the job at Hot Topic (finally!). I knew they had to love me. In fact, they love me so much; they are willing to hire me as a temp since they know I am going to be leaving for London in January. I start September 20th and I am part excited and a little more than scared. I am now working class.

I have picked my classes for London and am starting to feel the buzz.... the anticipation is killing me. Everyone is planning a visit, which is really cool since I will miss too many people. Ethan and Amy, Mom and Dad, Lyndsey and Rachelle, Grams and Gramps...everyone!!! It is going to be sooooooo fun! I also know my classes are going to be hard work though. I hear the British system is a lot tougher than American school. I am confident in myself though. Besides, if I can get an A in this romantics class, I can get an A in anything.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Everybody has a song that brings a memory flooding into vivid focus. Everybody has that one song that is not just a song but also a whole day, or maybe even an entire decade. Feelings and emotions and smells become associated with this ONE song and no matter how long one might go without listening to this song, it will always be there, waiting in the wings, until the day it gets some rotation and those memories bring a smile (or a frown) to your face and you can relive every second and every emotion that is just supposed to happen. This is music. I once read that Aldous Huxley said besides silence, music is the next best thing to explaining the unexplainable. (Or something like that) I think it is also the next best thing to smell to describe the indescribable. . It is that which is just there unto itself. A memory.

My first memory that is holed up into a song occurred when I was ten years old. I was in Lake Arrowhead with my entire family on a summer holiday. The air was crisp and clean. At that altitude the thinness of the air could be felt in the lungs like the difference between an ice-cold glass of water and warm murky water. The forest of Lake Arrowhead was thick with pine trees that were a lush hunter green and grew upwards of 60 feet tall. My uncle, being only 17 years of age, had just gotten a new car and was euphoric with excitement being that he was aloud for the first time to drive his car up the long and windy road toward the top of the mountain.

This particular day, I was wearing what I thought was a cool outfit, jean shorts cuffed at the bottom and a tie dyed tee shirt a couple of sizes too big for me. I also thought I was cool because Ian, my uncle, decided to take me and my brother, Ethan, to the neighboring city of Blue Jay.

On the way home from Blue Jay I was sitting in the back seat of Ian's brand new Acura Integra staring at the 60 foot tall pine trees creating leafy silhouettes over the crystal clear blue sky and at full volume on the stereo was a type of music I had never heard before. It was The Cure's, "Fascination Street" radiating through that car and upwards through those trees. I can still hear the long instrumental section and the newness I felt when I first heard Robert Smith's voice.

Last night I saw The Cure in concert. I don't count Coachella since I had the slight case of unconsciousness. What amazed me last night was that here I was standing right next to my uncle, almost 13 years after that day and we both knew right away exactly what the other was thinking when "Fascination Street" came on. Ian turned straight toward me and smiled and I knew he was thinking of that day. I started dancing of course and he called me brother to let him listen over the phone.

We are all grown up now. Ian and Ethan are married. I am a woman. But, as soon as all three of us hear that song we are reminded of that first day in the mountains when we had our first taste of freedom. We felt like adults then. We are adults now.
Monday night, Ethan, Amy and I took a lovely drive to the city of Ventura to see Patti Smith. I should mention here that Ventura is a city that has been underestimated by everyone that have driven by that sign on the freeway marked "Ventura" as they continue on their way up to Santa Barbara or down to the depths of Los Angeles and Orange County. Ventura has managed, by a mystery unknown to me, to retain a small beach town charm. One main street stretches the length of the city dotted with small shops and charming restaurants and it is here that we met a few of Amy's friends for dinner.
The last time I ran into these friends of Amy's was in the men's restroom at the Wiltern immediately following a Franz Ferdinand concert. The line in the ladies room was about twenty minutes long and so I, being a veteran of peeing in male restroom, dragged an extremely scared and embarrassed Amy into the male restroom. It was here we ran into these friends of hers. These friends also happen to have the title of her Boss and her Boss' wife of course. He was standing at the urinal zipping up and that was our introduction.
So back in Ventura, the food was ok but the conversation was better. Ethan is teaching punk rock next semester at school and if I were not going to London, I would defiantly audit it. Amy's boss remembered me as the bad influence. It would be hard not to shake that title seeing the circumstances upon which we met.
Ventura Theater was a charming venue just off the corner of the main street. It kept its old architecture and all people from all walks of life were there. I loved it already. The show was un-freaking-believable.
Everyone had that one teacher in high school. That one teacher that you actually listened to. He or she commanded your attention, kept you on the edge of your seat for the whole class and earned your respect. (If you did not have a teacher like this I feel sorry for you and have no clue how you got through high school.) Patti Smith is this person. She commands your attention. You can't take your eyes away and you find yourself breathing heavier as your adrenaline speeds up with the sheer intensity of the music she is giving out. She has the ability to draw out emotions you are keeping well hidden inside you. At one point during the show I looked over at my brother and he had the same look on his face he used to get when he was a little boy. It is this look of vulnerability, like it was ok to be who he really was. Around song number four I looked over at Amy and she was crying her eyes out. This did not stop until the very end of the encore. I myself get the feeling of a sense of power with Patti. She brings out the power in me.

I drove home from the show and felt good. I felt really good. I had been thinking so much about so many things lately and yet everything just felt ok. Like, I was happy being me.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

I went to bed last night and asked my subconscious the question. No particular question really...just wanted some answers. It worked. I woke up this morning feeling a lot better. I had answers to questions and my hollowness was slightly filled. It is still there; there are no quick fixes. I know I am going through a big life change. I know though that I had a smile on my face today, which I had not had in a long time. Here are some things I came up with, some I have known for a while but forget sometimes to put into action. Some I just came to realize.

1. No matter how hard one tries, you cannot change people. No matter what you do, how you act, or how nice you are. The only thing you can ever do is be yourself and the RIGHT people will be in your life for the RIGHT reasons at the RIGHT time.

2. Sometimes we go through tough times. There is always a reason for this. These times are essential for growth. To get out of tough times is simple. Easier said than done though. Get quiet. Do things you enjoy and don't think for one second about anything bad that you don't like. Don't think about anything bad that is going on. Focus on the good and by pure physics alone you will attract more good.

3. To solve a problem get reason out of the way. Quiet the mind. Take a walk and the answer will probably just come to you. Like Dostoevsky said, any intellectual activity is an actual disease.

4. Loneliness happens. Whether it is lack of a relationship, or friends moving away...sometimes we get lonely. There is a cure for loneliness and it is just to pour your heart into an activity. It can be reading or writing or school. Eventually you will be so busy with that and you will meet new friends and they will be the right friends or the right relationship. Now at the moment I don't want a relationship and I am sad my best friends moved away, but I wrote for four hours today and had Dumas to keep me company.... I forgot to be lonely.

5. Vibrations. There is no matter. Everything exists in vibrations, high and low. Like attracts like, thoughts of anger (i.e. low vibrations) will only attract angry people. If you are a high vibrational person, angry people bounce off of you. This is not hocus pocus psychobabble. This is physics. Actually in the world of metaphysics this is called resonance. If our vibrations don't match up there is a minimal response. In the same way a brick skyscraper can have major damage in an earthquake but a bamboo hut can sway easily and then return to normal in the same quake...
This is where the term "roll of my back" comes from. Meaning if a hateful person bugs us, we probably have a degree of hate within us. What we do not like in others we do not like in ourselves...resonance.
There are entire fields of study devoted to this. The law of attraction, the spontaneous fulfillment of desire, etc. is all examples of this study. It is weird and interesting and baffles me. But part of it makes sense. Every religion I have studied relates back to this. Every psychology and philosophy book I have read relates back to this. It all connects here.

6. Some days we are depressed and that is ok. There are black clouds. Everything seems gloomy. But, clouds always move. We can't beat ourselves up about being depressed one day. Everything always passes. It is ok to be irrational, just have to role with it until you feel better.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

As a request I am makeing a list. This list is supposed to make me feel better. This is a list of things I love. This is a list of things, people, places, I love and like....

here it goes....


1. I like how a chocolate bar melts before you swallow it.
2. I like how the water in Aruba is alwaays warm yet the sand is always cool.
3. I like how around the third mile of a run gives you a rush
4. I like how my Good Luck Bear makes me feel safe
5. I like how my Jack Skellington Blanket makes me feel the same way, even if I am too old for that
6. I like how no matter what I am wearing, I can still feel hot in my "wear these if you dare
7. I like my Ipod, I can't go anywhere without it
8. I like sour patch kids
9. I like my lap top
10. I like how I decorated my room
11. I like my book collection.
12. I like my DVD and music collection
13. I like my professional camera
14. I like how a movie can make you laugh and cry at the exact same time
15. I like how the base of music, when turned up loud, can make your blood vibrate

Things to do

1. I like running
2. I like dancing
3. I like writing
4. I like traveling
5. I like hanging out with Rachelle and Lyndsey, talking nonsense
6. I like going to clubs with Brandon
7. I like going to concerts with Ethan and Amy
8. I like talking to Rachelle, Lyndsey, Amy, Brendan, Edan, Grandpa, Maytal
9. I like going to movies with Rachelle, Lyndsey, Brendan, Maytal, Simone,

Things about me

1. I like my eyes
2. I almost like my body
2. I like my butt
3. I like my ability to dance
4. I like my ability to read people
5. I like how I can talk to people
6. I like how I can fit in with pretty much any crowd
7. I like that I am passionate about what I like


1. I like how my father and mother would do anything for me
2. I like how my brother is so happy right now with Amy
3. I like how Amy has become one of my best friends and is truly a sister to me
4. I like how Rachelle and I can understand each other without really talking much
5. I like how Lyndsey loves life in a way not many people do
6. I like how Maytal is passionate about her causes
7. I like how Simone is the most genuine person I know
8, I like how Nir sticks to what he believes in
9. I like how Brandon is not afraid to be who he really is
10. I like how Brendan is easy going and talented

Yeah that really does work. I kinda do feel a bit better. Maybe I will think of more....

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Heavy rotation time....!!!!!

It has been a while since my last heavy rotation and I must say not a whole lot has changed. It seems I am still waiting for a whole lot of new albums to come out. Either that or a whole slew of great albums has come out already. I think we re in a slump...

With that said.... here we go

1. The Open - The Silent Hours.... mark my words, no one has heard of these guys in America yet. But, they will!! These Liverpool lads are going to be big, I can tell. :) Well big in the good-music-taste crowd.

2. The Secret Machines- I really just can't stop listening to this album.

3. Scissor Sisters - Scissor Sisters. Worth the listen just for the tripped out version of Comfortably Numb.

4. Doves - The Last Broadcast.

5. Gomez - Split the Difference - I told you I was not listening to anything new

6. REM - NAIHI - anticipating the new album. I am praying it is a good one

7. I am the World Trade Center - The Cover Up. Cool synth stuff. I think this album will sell better due to better timing of the release date.

8. TV on the Radio - Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes

9. Eels - Electro Shock Blues. I can just go back to this album again and again and again...

10. Rufus Wainwright - Poses. So his concert is free on pay per view all this month. Oh man do I just want to give him one BIG HUG!

Pretty much all for now

till next time :)

Saturday, August 14, 2004

I was sitting at home all week, tired as hell and just unable to write anything. I was actually not motivated to do anything at all this week except watch TV, exorcise, and read.

I have so much to say about the wedding I am just not sure how to say it. So many emotions went through me that weekend. So many funny moments happened. Beautiful moments. Memorable moments. It will all come pouring out of me eventually.

The bridesmaids and I have become friends. I think the reason in this is the fact that we all feel like we have been through war together. We had such a fun weekend together though and I am glad we all want to hang out more even though the wedding is over.

The weekend started out with the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. The rehearsal dinner was fun but very hectic. All the New Yorkers had just flown in so us family members kinda got bombarded with pictures and pinching cheeks. My two cousins, Danni and Madison, were so excited to see me that they just would not stop talking. Further more they recruited Brendan to be their audience and for a good solid hour we heard stories of dancing hippos (which we found to be true believe it or not) and shark attacks.
"...And then the shark bit my knee AND my elbow and it hurt real real bad".... I heard this over and over again.
It really shows how much those girls are related to me. I just can't believe Madison did not talk until she was two years of age. I guess like me, once she started talking she spoke in complete sentences.

The day of the wedding was all jittery with excitement. All of us girls went to Judy's house in the morning to get our hair and makeup done. My hair looked absolutely fabulous I must say. Amy was a little nervous but overall we were al just excited. We got to Paradise point around 3:30 and brought out the Mimosas early. We made sure to sneak extra champagne in Judy and my mother's mimosas because they were stark raving mad!! I am serious. They were going insane. I am not getting married if it is any inclination of how my mother will act when I get married.
The ceremony was beautiful. Surrounded by the water and the subtle sound of birds, it was like a scene out of a movie. Amy looked like a china doll and my brother, for once in his life, looked handsome.
What followed was something only a wedding, Ethan and Amy could have pulled off. The rabbi forgot the rings so they had to use borrowed rings from the rabbi and a groomsman. The rabbi made fun of Ethan throughout the ceremony. I have to say though the real clincher was Rabbi Asa implying Aunt Jenna was preggo! She got so red in the face, I was cracking up.

The reception was a blast and I made it a point to get hammered. Nir and Amy were actually nice to me, although they pretty much kept to themselves. Maura also got hammered with me. Michael from New York was pretty cute and finally started talking. I gave a speech, told myself I would not cry, started crying, mentioned the Feebles.... but made lots of people cry anyway. I am pretty sure it had to do with the sharing of the last name line....:)

The after party was oddles of fun. Rachelle and Lyndsey passed out early. Maura puked early but was still ready to party all night. I was still hoppin. I put on my new Plan-R sweatshirt that was about ten sizes to big, poured myself and nice rum and coke and got ready to have some fun. Well I ate wayyyyyyy too much food and got wayyyyy too drunk. I ended up being a monkey by climbing all over Brendan (might have caused some bruises). I also played a pseudo truth or dare game with Shaun, although it was more along the lines of a truth game and the only questions that where asked were, "What are you drinking?" and "When was your first kiss?" LAME!
Maura, Michael and me were the last ones up and we ended up out on the balcony and six in the morning discussing life on other planets. I meant it when I said Michael finally started talking.
Before bed, Maura and me sprayed our hair so we could go to the brunch with our hair in place and went to bed....

Brunch the next day....

So for the most part the mothers had calmed down a bit. My mom was still a little on edge though and the bridesmaids and me pretty much hid the whole time. We took cover down on the balcony by the pool or in one of the rooms. We also made Brendan and Shaun keep running up the stairs to get us food and drinks. Oh the joys of being a girl!
We wound down the party with some piano playing
My mom then got in a fight with my Grandma and I decided it was time to leave

Sunday night was going to be a Zen pot-smoking thing at Ted and Judy's so I went over there. It was just a few of us. I was so tired I just passed out. Well, first we ate a bunch more and had Ted go get us some more ice cream cake. Only the place was closed so there was Ted banging on the window of the place...."Give me cake! Give me Cake!" Classic.

Overall it was just a gorgeous wedding and a really fun weekend. I would be lying if I were not glad if it was over. There was so much stress leading up to it and I feel like I can finally relax. I can imagine how Ethan and Amy feel.

So now I am sitting here, Rachelle has gone for law school and I start school soon. The wedding is over. I had my first meet up with Nir and Amy. I am all set to go to London. Things seem to be falling into place. I still have that hollow feeling though. I already miss my friends and it is really hard to make new ones, especially when some new ones you try to make just don’t.... well you know.

I consider myself a really lucky girl for the friends and family I have. I consider myself a very lucky girl for the life I lead. So what is this hollow feeling? Maybe it is just anticipation for London. Maybe it is just a feeling that something bigger is coming and although I don’t know what that is yet, I know it will satiate me?

P.S I caught the bouquet....

I did not mean to. The damn thing went straight for my head and Amy says she did not even mean to do that! Luckily that whole "next person to marry" is not a truism...

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Ethan thinks I am anorexic because I count my calories and want to loose weight. Apparently the lines between an eating disorder and eating whatever you want are completely black and white. Either one eats what they want or they are anorexic now? I admit I have some issues with food and body image but show me a 22-year-old female that doesn't (one that isn't lying). The path between healthy eating habits and obsessive compulsive eating habits is a rocky road. One starts loosing weight off of 1,200 calories a day and feels fine, so they lower it to 1,100. One day, they manage to eat 1,000 and before you know it they are pulling off a 700-calorie a day diet. It does not just happen in a day. For the record I am not eating 700 calories a day, I am just making observations. I feel healthy and because of that I really don't care what my brother thinks. As long as I can get over my issues with my image I am good to go.

Today is Tuesday and in just a few short days Ethan is getting married. This weekend wedding thing is planned starting with the rehearsal dinner. I am under the radar right now. Aside from the slight meltdown I had with my mom in Nordstrom a couple of weeks ago, I have gone quite unnoticed the past few months. It has been quite nice, although quite weird as well. Everyone, specifically the mothers, have gone crazy with all this planning. I know it has made me just want to elope when I eventually get married.

In the midst of all of this, I have had the weirdest feelings. I don't even know if I can describe it. On one hand I am so happy for my brother. He is happy again, doing great and marrying Amy, the best girl in the world. On the other hand, I am sad. Everything is changing. Nothing makes sense and I don't even know if these sad feelings make any sense. I guess I just feel sad because officially on Saturday I sort of loose my brother. Officially this leap is jumped and I am not a part of it. I am two and a half years younger than my brother and that is not much. But, now I have never felt so far apart in age. I am not getting married...I have never even been in love. My family has sort of put me under the table during all of this. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because I don't even know what this feeling is. I am sure it will pass....