Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Ethan thinks I am anorexic because I count my calories and want to loose weight. Apparently the lines between an eating disorder and eating whatever you want are completely black and white. Either one eats what they want or they are anorexic now? I admit I have some issues with food and body image but show me a 22-year-old female that doesn't (one that isn't lying). The path between healthy eating habits and obsessive compulsive eating habits is a rocky road. One starts loosing weight off of 1,200 calories a day and feels fine, so they lower it to 1,100. One day, they manage to eat 1,000 and before you know it they are pulling off a 700-calorie a day diet. It does not just happen in a day. For the record I am not eating 700 calories a day, I am just making observations. I feel healthy and because of that I really don't care what my brother thinks. As long as I can get over my issues with my image I am good to go.

Today is Tuesday and in just a few short days Ethan is getting married. This weekend wedding thing is planned starting with the rehearsal dinner. I am under the radar right now. Aside from the slight meltdown I had with my mom in Nordstrom a couple of weeks ago, I have gone quite unnoticed the past few months. It has been quite nice, although quite weird as well. Everyone, specifically the mothers, have gone crazy with all this planning. I know it has made me just want to elope when I eventually get married.

In the midst of all of this, I have had the weirdest feelings. I don't even know if I can describe it. On one hand I am so happy for my brother. He is happy again, doing great and marrying Amy, the best girl in the world. On the other hand, I am sad. Everything is changing. Nothing makes sense and I don't even know if these sad feelings make any sense. I guess I just feel sad because officially on Saturday I sort of loose my brother. Officially this leap is jumped and I am not a part of it. I am two and a half years younger than my brother and that is not much. But, now I have never felt so far apart in age. I am not getting married...I have never even been in love. My family has sort of put me under the table during all of this. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because I don't even know what this feeling is. I am sure it will pass....

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