Friday, December 30, 2005

The Year That Was 2005

I am not going to explain why I have not written in a few months. Mostly, I don’t have a single answer. However, I have always written an “end–of-the-year” ego boosting, self absorbed and yet oh so very deep essay that manages to make me feel just a teeny bit better about the unknown year to come.

I started this year jobless and depressed. I kid you not; I learned to cook just so I would have something to do with my day besides watching old marathons of Law and Order. I guess I can knock cooking off my list of things to learn in life.

Around this time I went into a deep reflection of where I was in life and where I wanted to be. I began to realize the best way to make ones dreams come true is to actually believe one is actually capable of making those dreams a reality. Dreaming about things is great. Believing those dreams takes work. It takes a knowing that I am smart enough and talented enough to make it possible. Without that, a dream is just a dream; it is a colored yet blurry picture that fades away as soon as the eyes open to bring on the new day.

Above all else, without knowing what we want, we can’t make it happen. I had to figure out what I wanted and that is what I did. I know I wanted what I already had in life, a great family, a guy I love, friends I would do anything for, and even a cute doggie that thought I was the best thing since sliced bread. So what didn’t I have?

When my Great Grandma Jimmy died I felt like a small chunk of my heart was ripped out of me. But I took that time to look at my Grandpas life as a model of what we should all attain. He had wisdom and confidence. He knew about the world and the people in it. I wanted to die of old age surrounded by a big huge successful and fulfilled family. I looked at him and knew I wanted to be somebody special. I wanted to be somebody that gives to the world as much as the world gives to me.

The best way to give to the world is to entertain them, so I decided I would do whatever it takes to be successful at entertainment. Whether I choose marketing and PR, or writing for a glossy, or becoming an A&R Rep and have the ability to bring new great music to the people, I know the foundation of what I want to do will involve the music industry somehow.

A big, huge, ginourmous chunk of my life has been surrounded by music. Things have been made possible because of music. Music can be set in an order to be the soundtrack of my life. I can’t explain the magical feeling I get when I listen to a song that speaks to me, yet I know my purpose in life is to have others get that same feeling.

With that in the know, I took on a job as an assistant in a marketing department of a hospital. It wasn’t exactly what I want to do, but it is a great thing to put on my resume while I finish school. I changed my concentration at school to Entertainment Studies and made a promise to myself that even if I were studying 7 days straight I would take full loads each semester and summer until I finished. That degree is my first goal and I am determined to get there. My uncle told me in an email a while back, that he knew I would end up the superstar. I trust his opinion. I think I just may come out on top. However, it is I who has to put in the work to get there.

It won’t be easy, but I am surrounded by love. And, I know with the foundation of love, anything is possible, no matter what rough roads lay ahead.

Enough mush mush, it is time for my year-end lists.

So without further delay here are my picks of the best things about this very packed year.

Best Records of the Year:

The Decembrists – Picaresque

Eels – Blinking Lights and Other Revelations

Kaiser Chiefs – Employment

Madonna – Confessions on a Dance Floor

Paul McCartney – Chaos and Creation in the Backyard

Best Concerts of the Year:

Paul McCartney
I got these tickets as an anniversary present and I have to say my life long dream coming true was everything I imagined it to be.

Although the two brothers did not give much of their infamous banter, the concert itself was fabulous

My own Performance of “Wonderwall”, - a karaoke bar in New York that I don’t remember much of. It was here that I established my status of the new Rock n’ Roll Queen

Brian Wilson – the only thing you can say about Brian is that everything he does, everything he says, and every musical note and harmony that slithers off that stage is beautiful. It is beautiful in a way that one would imagine Angels singing down on us from heaven.

The Decembrists – Not sure which I liked better, the concert or the encore. I have to say the concert was a mighty bit different than the first time I saw the Decembrists in a small crowded bar. They certainly rose to indie fame this year.

Best TV Shows

Veronica Mars – missing Buffy is horrible. But having another kick ass female heroine on TV helps soften the blow.

Lost – A TV show that reminds us that even TV can be smart, interesting, and detailed. With layers and layers of themes and metaphors, a plot that keeps you coming back, and multi-faceted characters, this ain't no Gilligan’s Island.

Nip/Tuck – While the Junior season was a far bit more splotchy than previous seasons, the astonishing finale where we finally see who the carver is, and get another twist thrown in, makes us excited to see what the fourth season entails.

Best Movies

“Crash” – A movie that sticks with you for months

“War of the Worlds” – I hate Tom Cruise. But, I love Steven Spielberg. Oh the mixed emotions there! But you can’t deny that this movie is one hell of a ride.

“Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” – Non-stop from beginning to end. These movies, like the books, get better and better.

“The 40 year old Virgin” – The kind of comedy I like. It has a heart and makes you piss your pants at the same time.

more lists coming...

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Are men and women really that different?

The short answer is yes, they really are.

Is this politically incorrect? Only if one makes it so. Being different is not a bad thing.

Right now the a big factor in determining a women’s life is if and when she will have kids, and will she work or stay at home and raise them. Some women think they are giving up many things if they stay at home to raise their kids, falling into the trap of “desperate housewife” and failing to contribute to society by working as a career woman. They forget that raising children contribute to society in many more ways.

More so women feel like, post feminism has left them with the idea that they can do everything a man does in regard to career and otherwise. Women are better than men is a mantra that is given repeatedly. The problem is most of these women who fight genetics and environment to climb upon a podium as high as their male counterpart are helping the stereotype they wish to fight. The basic argument of these women is to fight the gender stereotype by being “more like a man.” Well why would a women want to be? Why can’t a women be happy being a women and different than a man. Doesn’t that give them more power anyway? Doesn’t that raise them to a higher level even though it’s a different podium than men?

It would seem to me that a women to embraces her womanly features, her nurturing nature, and her ability to have children, with pride, would be fighting the system for more women’s rights than someone who tries to fight that and be more like exactly what they are trying to fight.

Here is a simple fact. Estrogen makes one more emotional and therefore more in tune to others emotions. It makes them more nurturing as well. These two attributes make a woman more apt to taking care of a baby. Testosterone makes one more aggressive and focused; a great attribute for getting ahead in business. Women can multitask. Men have tunnel vision. If men have no qualms about who they are and don’t try to change themselves to be more of a “Mr. Mom” type then why do women feel the need to be more like a man. It is as if these women are saying that the male sex is the superior sex.

Sounds kind of contradictory to me.

Before anyone decides to shoot me here I must state the fact that some women have to work while having babies and some choose to not because they have to but because they have a job that they love. This is ok... everything is a personnel choice. But it is women that do things to set out and prove they can be better I have a real problem with.

It seems to be that our American society has always gone to the extremes when it comes to the way women feel about themselves and their role. The 50s took submission to the extreme with articles written in women’s magazines about what a wife should do for her husband when he came home from work so he felt good.

We then took it to the complete opposite extreme, throwing away the “traditional” family unit when we had women burning bras (have no idea who could be so stupid to do this bras are expensive), and refusing to get married saying it discredited them.

Now we are stuck. We are stuck between solid traditional family values, an idea that is very prominent in my community of Orange County, and a weird mix of post feminist rants like, “I want to work but I also want to raise 3 three kids and do everything 24 hours a day.”

What is the balance?

Saturday, September 03, 2005

I am now living in sin

I know I have not been updating lately. I have been in the middle of some very big changes in my life.

I needed time to just sit and think after Grandpa Jimmy passed away. I was then in the midst of moving into my new home.

Yes that is right…I am living in sin.

I am cohabitating.

I am, as my great grandmother says, sampling the menu before I buy.

I am now officially moved in with the BF. Everyone told me it would be an “adjustment” and “a learning experience.” Actually…it has not been an adjustment at all, except I write this from my laptop on our couch instead of my parents couch back at their place (it still feels weird to call it “their” place.)

To be honest, not much has changed. I stayed over most nights anyway and I already had loads of stuff here. I think it is probably more of an “adjustment” for the BF. I took over the place.

The bathroom and vanity now looks like a makeup counter at Nordstrom’s. My clothes take up most of the closet space we have, and my cabbage patch kid that I have had since I was two now sits comfortably on a chair. The BF calls it, “Hurricane Rachel.” Ha freaking Ha.

There has, come to think of it, been one adjustment. Before I moved in, if I was…umm….surfing the crimson wave, I would just stay home for a couple of days.

See I turn into a raging loony. I become a bitch. A monster. A hormonal roller coaster. Plus I feel very unsexy.

So what happens 3 days after I officially move in? I get my monthly psychotic meltdown. Poor BF.

Aside from that, and fighting over who gets tivo privileges during prime time, there have not been any big disagreements.

Week one – we don’t hate each other yet. Lets see how week two goes.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Is it the quest or the goal that is the real goal?

The quest for the Holy Grail has been the main goal of many peoples lives throughout modern history. Did the Knights Templer find it? What did they find?

There are theories that the grail is hidden in a beautiful gothic church in Scotland, there are theories that the grail is not even a grail at all but rather a "secret" so vast it would change the worlds way of thinking....a divine blood line?

Non fiction books such as Holy Blood Holy Grail and fiction books such as The Da Vinci code all point to this quest....the most important and expensive quest of our time.

However, I have to wonder if the quest in itself is more important than finding the grail. The quest is what gives people a sense of purpose, their lives meaning, and a goal to achieve. But what would happen if they found it? What purpose would these "grail seekers" have? Maybe that is why it would never be found.

Buddhist seek Nirvana...but do they ever get it? How much do they have to meditate to get it? While the Buddha achieved it sitting under a tree, Buddhist maintain their presence in the here and now, meditate, and don't worry about the Nirvana. It is the meditation and peacefulness they relish.

In our own lives, we have goals. We want to achieve riches and have families. We have dreams, like mine to write a great novel. I want to have a big family, a great writing career and a sense of peacefulness. I want to achieve that end result. But what is more important, achieving the end result or the road to get there?

I used to think of the end. I am finding myself more and more thinking of now. Because, once we get to the end, there is nowhere else to go. Once we find our own Holy Grail we have no more quest. We have no more adventure. Life is no longer needed.

My Holy Grail may be different than everyone else. But I think our quest for something is one in the same; That our quest should be full of love, laughter, adventure, learning, and comfort. Once we can live with that....the end just does not seem as important.

Monday, August 15, 2005

The life we would all want to live....

I come from a huge family. The family is load and unique and could very well be a successful reality television show. Everyone in my family talks more than everyone else. Standing at the top of this family was a man of very few words. My Great Grandfather Jim liked to sit there, at the head of the table, and smile at all the crazy people in my family as if thinking, "Look what I have created."

Now he is gone forever...

Whenever he would look at me I felt he had a special smile reserved only as our little secret. Maybe, it is because he saw a little bit of my late Great Grandma Rose in me. Maybe he just thought I was special. Period.

When he did speak it was short, concise and always right. He was a personnel wisdom machine.

Last Tuesday my Great Grandfather was taken from me suddenly. He had been on dialysis for the past two years and his body just had enough. Blood thinners made it so he could not clot properly and on that Tuesday morning God took him away.

The New York family flew out here immediately and Thursday was an intimate funeral where he was buried next to my Great Grandma Rose. One of his last wishes was to be buried with his golf clothes on and his clubs right next to him. An excellent athlete right until the end. I stood next to my boyfriend, who has been amazingly supportive and thought to myself....if I had made him promise me he would stick around for me to have kids, then would he have let go? My Grandma made him promise he would stick around for her 50th anniversary and he did. He promised to stick around for my brother's wedding and he did. I should have made him promise. However, maybe he just felt it was time.

It is hard to think of him without tears welling up in my eyes. He lived a full life, made a huge family that he was proud of, prided himself of being a family all around class act. He died at 93, leaving his third wife (he outlived the others) my Great Grandma Lisa...the only one I ever knew.

I wish I got more time with him. But then again, we always want more. There is no right time for someone to go. We can all hope to live the life he lead. He died in old age leaving a legacy behind. But it still hurts like hell. It hurts like a rock in my stomach.

I don't know why I am writing this but I guess I just feel like maybe my Jimmy can live on if more people know how amazing he was...

So rest in peace Grandpa.

I will miss your smile...

I will miss your infinite wisdom...

I will miss your peacefulness...

I will miss your charming overly confident demeanor (which only old people can pull off anyway)...

I will miss your warmth...

Most of all though....I will miss your love

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Life Revelation #1
If you spill coffee...the rest of the day will suck

I always stop by Coffee Bean on my way to work. Most of the time I order my grande house blend with nonfat milk and three splendas. I then proceed to order a large ice blended mocha for one of my coworkers.

Yesterday as I was parking my car I ran into a problem of sorts...

I got out of my car and set the two coffee items on the roof of my car. I then reached down into my automobile to retrieve my purse thus knocking the entire contents of that large ice blended mocha with whipped cream onto my body. We are talking the shit got in my hair all over my scrubs all over my shoes and socks....I was a mess...

So I said a few mild obscenities and tried to figure out what the hell to do next. I would have gotten in trouble if I went home to change being that I live 40 minutes away. I did not have any other scrubs with me and the mall across the street did not open until ten. SHIT...

I then remembered I had some dirty clothes I did not take out of my trunk from my boyfriends house. So I climbed into my backseat and took off my mocha covered clothes (which even soaked through to my socks) and stripped naked. I put on my dirty scrubs and called my father.

"Dad I have an emergency"

"what's wrong"?!

I explained to him what had happened with a response mixed with amusement and anger. He was going to go over to the mall for me at ten to buy me some new scrubs and socks.

I was 20 minutes late for work and of course got yelled at.

The day did not get any better....

My supervisor was a bitch all day.

My co worker got in a cat fight with my supervisor...

I smelled of mocha even after I changed my clothes...

Today is much much better.

I might be getting a new job in the marketing department. It is part time and fits with my school schedule (oh yeah did I mention I am starting up school again?)

It is an entry level job but it is in the field I want to be in. NO MORE Breast Center. No more bitchy ladies....WOOO HOOO!!!!!

I am also moving out. :)

I am also getting a puppy...just my boyfriend does not know it yet so shhhhhh, Actually I am getting the puppy for the holidays as a gift. But still, don't tell!

I have not been writing much lately because I have been working like hell and spending my free time packing up my stuff and cleaning out what needs to be thrown away. I promise a very intriguing yet witty post is coming soon.

I want to move to New York.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Im bored.....

Last person who...

1. Slept in your bed: Josh

2. Saw you cry: Josh, my mom, my sister

3. Made you cry: a movie

4. You went to the movies with: Josh

5. You went to the mall with: myself

6. One thing you could take back: I don't do take backs

Have you ever,....

1. Said "I Love You" and meant it: yeah once

2. Got in in a fight with your pet?:no...but he does a get a yellin sometimes

3. Been to California: I live here

4. Been to Mexico: Yes...without my parents even knowing

5. Been to China: No

6. Been to Canada: No

7. Been to Europe:yeah I went backpacking. I had tons of fun but I got assaulted

8. Danced naked:oh allllll the time

9. Wish you were the opposite sex: nah I enjoy being a girly girl

Radom Questions......

1. Do you have a crush on someone: does my boyfriend count?

2. What book are you reading now: HP and the half blood prince

3. Worst feeling in the world: Having someone you love die

4. Future KIDS names: for boys I like - Jacob, Micah, Benjamin. For girls I like Isabella Rose, Eleana, Sofia and Hazel.

5. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: when I am not sleeping with something else

6. What's under your bed: not sure I even want to know

7. Favorite sport to watch: Tennis, it is so intense...and baseball for the integrity

8. Location:Fullerton (Orange County) California

9. Piercings/Tattoos: one in each year and my belly button. one tattoo on my ass

10. What are you most scared of: drowning, car crashing, scorpions

11. Where do you want to get married: somewhere overlooking the ocean

12. Who do you really hate: Hitler

13. Do you have a job: yeah I work in a hospital

14. Do you like being around people: Oh yeah!

15. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with? yes....once in high school.

16. Have you ever cried: yes all the time

17. Are you lonely right now: no

18. Song that's stuck in your head a lot: Any Beatles or REM song

Have You Ever....

1. Been in love: Yes

2. Played strip poker: no

3. Gotten beaten up: yes

4. Pulled an all nighter: yeah not always studying either

5. Been on radio/tv: I was on Star Lounge

6. Been in a mosh-pit:yeah and I got trampled and knocked unconscious

7. Do you have any gay/lesbian friends: yes

8. Skinny dipped: in multiple countries!

In the last 24 Hours have you...

1. Cried: no

2. Bought something: food count?

3. Gotten sick: no

4. Sang: yeah

5. Been kissed: yeah

7. Felt stupid: nopes

8. Talked to an ex: nope

9. Missed someone: yeah a couple friends I have not seen in a while

10. Hugged someone: yeah and cuddles. I love it

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

I know I know I have been a shitty poster this past week. Please forgive me....

I had my friends from out of town (out of the country) come in for a visit and my weekend was spent showing them around our little neck of the woods. Monday we went to Disneyland (never go in July if you want to keep your sanity).

Disneyland was tons of fun. They have done it up nicely for the 50th anniversary celebration. I didn't buy much though, most of my money was spent buying the 3 dollar water and the 4 dollar sodas.

I loved spending the weekend with my little "niece" Kaylie. My friends who were visiting (from Aruba) have a two year old daughter who is just the cutest thing in the world. I would be lying if I said I did not get choked up when she would say, "Auntie Rachel come here" AHh precious.

I know I, personally, am not ready for children just yet. I want to be married and have my career well under way. But it is fun to think what my kids would look like and how they will act (perfect of course). I, being the girly girl that I am, starting picking baby names around the age of 14 so I cant say I am not prepared. ;)

I was thinking the other day that before all of that...before I settle down with kids, I want to live in New York, even if it is just for a tiny bit. I know it is not a place to raise kids or anything, but it is a damn good place to live for a while.

The brother and the boyfriend have plans to take over the world....God help us.

I am started an extreme training regimen to train for the mud run....I will have the body I always dreamed of having.

I really want a puppy. A YORKIE!!!!

I promise I will have some philosophical yet funny post later but work is calling...

For now I leave you with a few questions....

If you could save one item from your house on fire what would it be and why?

If you could pick one item that you want right now if money did not matter what would it be?

If you had to pick an animal that acts most like you what would it be and why?

If you were on death row, what would your last meal request be?

If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be and why?

If you had to pick between being satisfied sexually for the rest of you life or spending it with a best friend where no sex was there which would it be?

fill them out in the comments people! :)

Monday, July 18, 2005

Harry Potter!!!

Harry Potter came out. I finished the book already. It was one of the best so far and the answers given as well as the questions to be answered in book Seven are enough to give me that good tingly feeling of anticipation.


Have no fear, for those that have not yet read it I will not give out any spoilers. But I will say you will laugh, cry, and be shocked out of your seat all at once.

I am told the book sold 6.9 million copies in the first 24 hours. That is just nuts. This is a woman who is an inspiration to me not only because of her talent but because of how she even got there. Harry Potter was the first book Rowling ever wrote. How's that for divine luck?!

While Harry is based on the classic mythos of good vs. evil. The villain who fell to the dark side and the "chosen one" who's prophecy is to defeat him/her radiates throughout many of history's finest novels. Yet something about Harry is still very original. It has some "magic" in there I would say.

I miss the world it takes one into already. (Maybe I should not have finished so fast!) I am going to read the entire series before Seven comes out though. If only to transport myself to this magical world where anything is possible and the ability to love is the greatest weapon on earth.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

If you saw me walking down the street...

If you saw me walking down the street, you wouldn't really know me. I would be this stranger to you; Someone you would form an opinion on based on my walk, my talk, my clothes and my hair.

You might see me walking with a slight confident step. I know its a heavy walk, like I command the ground I am walking on. This is probably due to my years of dancing where I was always taught to "own the floor".

My jeans are probably expensive but I am not decked out in head to toe designer. If it is a casual day most likely its jeans, a tank top and flip flops. Designer sunglasses....a must.

By seeing me, this is probably the picture you would paint. A south Orange County girl. Spoiled. Confident. Pretty but not overwhelmingly so. Normal.

This is what I think when I see most people. I have come to find out how untrue that is.

Not many people who read this blog really know much of who I am. I am not talking about what has happened to me or where I have gone. Rather, what made me who I am...

I figure if I am going to tell somebody all that has happened I might as tell everybody who chooses to listen. I am not special. I am not someone who they could make a TV movie out of their life. I am just an ordinary girl who did what she had to do.

My childhood was nothing special. I was born into a big upper middle class family. We lived in Orange County. My parents were dual income so I had a nanny, Cecelia was her name. However, not once do I ever remember my parents ever missing a piano recital or a dance recital. I guess that's better than most can do.

I wasn't an easy child. Countless memories involve myself kicking my brother in the nuts with my steel toed tap shoes on, burning his entire hand with a curling iron, and threatening to tell our entire elementary school that for three months I had to sleep in his room because he had read the Boogeyman by Stephen King and was from then on afraid to sleep alone.

It's funny to look back on life and see these tiny little events completely snowball and create exactly who we are today. I still cause trouble. I still cry when anything bad happens. I still remember people looking at me and telling my parents, "Wow she is going to have the boys lining up when she gets older."

Amazing how one sentence, when seen through hindsight can help us be who we are.

I was a cute kid. I was very short and tiny. I had a round face, big huge green eyes, and brown hair. I was like the Gerber baby. This might be great in theory but from a young age I noticed that that was just not good enough. I was cute. I would become pretty one day. However, what I was not was one of those model type babies.

I grew to be an child among beauties. It seemed (and my memory could have been bias) that none of my friends went through any stage where they felt like strangers to their own bodies. I had some baby fat. Where my friends didn't. They were taller and had tan olive skin and no freckles. I felt out of place among my dancer friends. I wish I could say I hit puberty and it got better. It didn't.

When I was 13 I got very sick all of a sudden. I, being already very tiny for my age, stopped growing. I couldn't eat and what I did eat came right back up. I looked like the walking dead and got very depressed. I hung out with the bad crowd (if that is what they are called in 7th grade). Once I had stopped growing for an long time and they figured I did not have the flu I was run through a series of tests I do not wish upon my enemy. They stuck things where they did not belong. They poked, prodded and stuck me with needles. I had a stomach problem and only hard core very regulated medications could make me better.

The medication was worse than the disease.

It is called prednisone and if you ever see a transplant patient where their face doubles in size and becomes "moon like" then you have seen someone on it. They gave me the highest dose they could, patted me on the head and told me, "many kids don't have any bad side effects." they were wrong.

In two months my blood tests had gone to normal. My stomach healed. Yeah!! Woo hoo!!
Except I felt worse than I had before. I gained 50 pounds of pure water weight (which looks like a puffy baloon). I lost all of my "bad" friends. The boys made fun of me. The one guy I had a crush on, who liked me before, told me he just wanted to be friends. I had to stop competing in my dance competitions. My clothes did not fit. My face looked like every one of my teeth got knocked out. It was twice its size. It was then I learned some values of real friendship. The are mean.

It took almost a year to lose the weight, my entire 8th grade experience was tainted by this steroid that I now considered my worst enemy. I managed to enter high school with my petite body again. Only I was short, and my puberty was late, so I looked about 12 years old. (if you don't believe me I swear I can show pictures I could still get in free at the swap meet).

I had lost all of my friends who thankfully went to a different high school so I was determined to get to the popular girl status by any means necessary. I was sick of not being the best. I tried out for cheerleading and made it. I tried out for the dance team and made it. It would be an understatement to say I was not in awe of these girls I was now surrounded by. Long perfect hair. Perfect outfits. They had flat stomachs and hips. They gossiped about their boyfriends and who was throwing the best party that weekend. I wanted to be them.

I managed to make some friends. Some of them cheerleaders, some from my honors classes, all of them friends with each other before I got there leaving me feeling "outside" of the loop most of the time. I was into dancing pretty hard core, so I did not mind the lack of plans. I always had my dance friends and most weekends were spent going to competitions.

I still wanted to be in with this group of girls. They looked like women. They were popular already and even the junior and senior guys lusted after them. I never had even been kissed. I didn't even know how to flirt or date or anything. However, I was still determined. I kept wondering to myself, when I might start to become the beauty everyone said I would. I was still cute. Not a beauty.

It started to change the following year. I got a car and my license. I was the first one. I began to give the popular girls rides to parties. Deep down I knew they were using me because I was nice and had a car. I didn't care I was able to go to the parties. I was able to laugh when someone in the quad was joking about a guy who got soooo drunk the last weekend. It was starting to fall into place. I was becoming friends with the popular girls.

Junior year a guy transferred into our school who instantly became the most popular guy. He was the "hot" one and he knew it. Somehow we became friends. Best friends. Only I was in love with him (well as "in love" as someone could be at that age) and he looked at me like his little sister. We partied together. I became popular. I had my first kiss. I know now it was because I was willing to use my allowance on vodka for everyone and throw parties at my house when my parents were out of town. My once straight A grades dropped. I could not stand my parents. BUT I was popular. I was even friends with all the beautiful people which made me feel like maybe I was pretty too. Only I wasn't really. I was still in my cute phase, looking about 13 years old. None of the boys looked at me as girlfriend material. I was the cool girl to be friends with. I didn't care.

"Wow one day this girl will have the guys lining up after her."

Yeah, uh huh, when buddy???

I managed to graduate from high school and somehow start to look halfway pretty. I even had a few boys ask me out or hit on me. I still felt ugly.

It was not until I met this guy David that I felt like an adult. A pretty adult no less. People thought I was pretty. David thought I was hot. We went out for months. David was perfect. He was going into medical school. He was tall, dark and handsome, polite and nice. He was also very boring.

Next came Omri. Who would stare into my eyes and tell me I was the most beautiful girl in the world. He would ask my ring size and say, "soon." He told me he was in love with me after two weeks of going out and knew in his heart I was the "one." Being that I was so inexperienced and insecure I bought all of it. I ate it all up. Except Omri used me and dumped me when I was at my most vulnerable. I had just gotten back from backpacking in Europe. I had gotten assaulted and scarred. It happened as soon as I landed and something about the way he said, "It's not you it's me" made me realize that I really was not pretty enough. Or smart enough. Or good enough.

"Wow someday the boys will be lining up for her."

I got over Omri fairly quickly with some help of course. But I made a decision for the first time in my life to focus on me. I read every single self help book they carried at the bookstore. I listened to music to interpret the meaning of life. I studied philosophy to gain wisdom and read every piece of chick literature out there to help me feel optimistic ( no joke I was popping out about 5 chick books a week).
I studied Kabbalah, Jung, Toltec wisdom, scripture, Aristotle, and Marcus Aurelius. I read Ovid and books of alchemy. I read all of Plato (who I don't like at all) and Locke.

I started saying no to my friends (the popular ones) when they wanted to go clubbing. I spent my time exercising, reading and writing in my journal. I made my own plans, said no to every date because really no one was good enough or worth it.

One day I looked in the mirror. I stood there naked and for the first time in my life, loved exactly what I saw. I loved my face, my hair, and my body. Maybe I finally really did become pretty. Maybe I always was. Maybe it was my mind that changed.

I respected myself. I respected my ability to say no, to fight back, to not be with a guy just because he was the one that asked first. I could make a choice and that was perfection to me.

"One day Rachel, the boys will line up for you."

It happened. Then again at that point I didn't care.

What was more important is that I finally believed it. "One day" was here and the "boys" did not matter whether they lined up or not. (thankfully the right ones did hehe)

What mattered most was I got there.

I was beautiful.

Friday, July 08, 2005


Maybe we should not wear white pants and then sit on the curb.

Maybe we should never take shit from anyone.

Maybe the clouds really are shaped like ice cream cones.

Maybe we should never settle for anything.

Maybe goldfish are not the greatest of pets.

Maybe we should get angry sometimes.

Maybe we should not take a big gulp of tea when it is fresh off the stove.

Maybe we should cry when we are sad and laugh when we are happy.

Maybe nothing really is personnel

Maybe Nicholas Sparks books don't have to make us cry after the first chapter.

Maybe we should not be nice but real instead.

Maybe we should take more baths with bubbles and rubber duckies.

Maybe we should demand the world give itself to us.

Maybe we should drink more water.

Maybe we should walk on sand barefoot more.

Maybe we should enjoy what we have more.

Maybe chick movies really do serve a purpose.

Maybe our prayers are answered when we need it most.

Maybe we should take more days off.

Maybe diet coke really does rot our brains.

Maybe we should eat more cookies and less veggies.

Maybe God really does count the tears of women.

Maybe movies can change your life.

Maybe money really is not all it's cracked up to be.

Maybe love does conquer all.

Maybe we should stand up for ourselves to the man.

Maybe we should spend more time in the sun.

Maybe The Beatles are perfection.

Maybe cats do know everything.

Maybe we should not sit on a curb when we are wearing white pants....

Just maybe

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Let's all just be happy for a bit

This morning I stopped at the gas station on my way to work. I put the thingy in the hole and went inside to buy a water. When I got out I then got in my car and drove away. Missing something? Oh yeah!! I drove off with the thingy (have no clue what it's called) still in the hole. I broke the pump and got yelled at. My car is ok.

That was the start of my morning....

My heart goes out to those in London. I know a few people over there but thankfully they are all ok. I sometimes have to change even possible? These people don't want to be reached out to. They want to kill western civilization and I don't think anything we do would change their mind.

I was speaking with my sister about a mutual family member we know who has been bothering us for quite a bit of time. This person on the outside looks like they have everything in life. Everything except humility and perspective. This person is arrogant because they never had to struggle for anything in life. Everything came easily and naturally. There were no big obstacles to overcome and as a result I think they have no clear appreciation for what they do have. We all know this type of person.

What I always see is those that went through harsh times, life struggles, and obstacles end up being the type of person others respect and look up to. They end up strong, self aware and confident yet humble. I always say, "whenever we break a bone it grows back stronger," and somehow I think struggles are God pushing our life in a direction it is supposed to go, rather than where we think it should go.

My Gramps says that obstacles are like the lotto...we have to look at them as winning a million dollars, because that is how valuable they are for shaping our future. He says we have to have faith in the outcome...and the outcome looks golden.

I guess I just wish people could see how great their lives are. And truly truly appreciate what they have. Things can go up in smoke in an instant. Death happens every day.

I guess I am just in a deep thought mode today....

I am happy with my life. I am happy with where I am. I have so many goals and things I want and have to do...but right now I am just happy with who I am. I am not a millionaire (yet...) I am not famous or anything. I am just me and for the time being, that is good enough for me. I know those that love me. I know those that hate me. Some people would die for me and some would not cry a tear over anything. I guess that is the way it should be...

On to lighter things...(thank God)

Batman is one of the coolest movies I have seen in a long time. It was raw and real (well as real as a guy dressed as a bat could be) and it made sense. Christian Bale did an excellent job and I have to say he is one hottie!!

I have found some potential roommates. I am meeting with some all next week. Hopefully I find some people I can get along with....we can only hope.

I want a puppy...:/

More later...happy stuff I swear :)

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

I am missing my teeth!!!!

Well I got those babies taken out. I figured a few things out. I cannot for the life of me handle tooth pain very well.

I have been through broken bones, surgeries and the like...I always bounced back without any problems or complaints. But let me tell you, tooth pain is worse than anything ever! My mouth goes from feeling normal to feeling like someone is trying to pull every single one of my teeth out and then run a knife along my gums....yeah something like that.

It was fine when I went to bed last night but I woke up crying around 1:00 AM with this shooting pain. So I did what any 23 year old girl would do...crawled into bed with my mother while she applied a heating pad and gave me vicadin and tea.

How old am I?

It is amazing how when we get sick, no matter how old we are, we act like children.

so anyways...

my boyfriend was sitting at on my sofa keeping me company while I was in pain when he looked over and noticed my dog masturbating. I have a pug. Sometimes he sits up on his hind legs and starts whacking his wiener with his paw. This is comedy. Since then the boyfriend has made it his mission to imitate Boris perfectly. This means he makes it a point to even snort while he is pretending to whack it with his "paw".

Yeah I know...

I have dreams that I get up from my desk and club my supervisor across the head. Am I alone in this?

more tonight I promise

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

This Friday I am getting my wisdom teeth taken out. :(

However, being that I always look on the bright side of my life (I swear I do I do!) I think this could be a good thing....I will lose a couple pounds!!!

I workout in the mornings at the gym at work. So more days than not, I bring my work uniform with me (scrubs) to change into after a shower. I mostly sleep at my boyfriend's house so the night before work I have to pack gym clothes, work clothes and my lunch. Well I come out of the shower this morning and grab my work clothes.....I forgot my underwear. What is worse? I am wearing white scrubs today. I am wearing white scrubs with no panties. I have to say I feel rather....risque.

Tom Cruise can kiss my pretty tight white ass. He is an expert on psychiatry??? That is just a big pile of smelly bullshit. That's all I have to say about that.

There are some things I know I want to write about. But, I want to sit down and write not give some half ass throw up of a it will just have to wait.

I was kissing my boyfriend the other day and I farted. I guess that is just not sexy.

But he farts too...

So I'm still sexy.

I am going to a million concerts this fall...Oasis, Paul, Decemberists, Green Day, Street Scene....So I am feeling the itch. I miss my concerts. I need some to go to NOW!

I want a puppy.

A puppy is like a little baby to take care of. I might just have to take a trip to the pound.

If you believe in God...did something happen in your life to give you that belief? Did something happen to take it away?

If I had money I would be in London right now partying like a rock star (literally)....oh the joys of being poor.

I promise more interesting stuff tonight. I really do!!!!

Lots of love


Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Get Ready For A Ramble

So yesterday I got a bloody nose at work. I also fell down the stairs...yeah just like in the movies. I wonder if that made my status as a professional human being, ya know...go down??

So I am on my sofa nursing my pain (kidding but when you hear what movie I watched you will want to think I was only watching it because I was in pain) and I put Hitch in the DVD player.

I am not a Will Smith fan.

However, a good point was brought up. When it comes to relationships people feel like they need to have a plan. Why? Because if a guy just comes out and says, "I like you," many times it crashes and burns right on top of them. But when does a plan become manipulation? Isn't it a lie? I don't think it is but I wonder why people can't just be honest. Why the game?

My current relationship was never established upon a "game." (At least I don't think it was unless the BF is very savvy) But I guess in all relationships of life the "game" is based upon people giving what THEY think other people want.

Not sure where I am going with this...but I guess I just feel like I wish people, whether it be a boss, a boyfriend, a friend or a family member would not hold back anything and just be upfront and honest. In a parallel universe maybe...

I want to feel like I don't have to be somebody to everyone...but I want to feel like I am everything to someone. My mother? Father? Boyfriend? Friends? My dog maybe? Is it even possible? I guess I just want to make a difference in someone's life....for the good not the bad.

There are so many things I want to do with my life. I want to live in New York for a bit. I want to be a writer. I want to have children and be married. I want to do everything on my "list" (including jumping out of a plane, learning how to sail, and going on an African safari). I wonder if I can do it all.

I guess I am just feeling very introspective today...

Let's lighten up!

I got my hair done and I must say I look rather ravishing. This is a good look for me.

My new job has gotten me addicted to coffee. I am a different person without it now.

I got honked at three times on the drive home last night. I am still not sure if I was just looking hot or if I am a horrible driver.

I am not a geek. Yeah I am going to the midnight release of Harry Potter but I am not a geek!! I'm NOT!!!!!

My brother has moved closer to me. This makes me happy. He is only 30 minutes away now and walking distance from Cheesecake Factory. Double bonus.

Thought for the day....

If the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence...what color is the fence?

Monday, June 20, 2005

What do you want?

We all say we know. We don't. We pretend we know. We don't. What is it we really want? Everyone gives some bullshit answer...

"I want happiness"

"I want money."

"I want love."

This is such bullshit. Of course everyone wants happiness...because what other option is there?

I am more interested in what everyone really wants. It takes some thinking but I know I can figure out at least a few things I want.

Why am I thinking about this? Well I guess I just feel like if I don't pay attention to what I want, then no one else will. How is someone supposed to give you what you want, whether it be a sweet nothing or a new car...if you yourself have no friggen clue?

What I want...

I want a pair of jeans that fit so perfect no one else in the world would be able to wear them.

I want to feel like I am an angel to those in my life.

I want to be held...tight.

I want some kissing fish to put on the shelf.

I want a mini cooper.

I want children....someday.

I want my hair to behave 365 days a year.

I want a vespa.

I want to wake up in the morning looking radiant and beautiful.

I want to never get cramps again.

I want a chocolate river in my backyard like Willy Wonka.

I want my mother to retire.

I want my future (still not written and have no idea what it's about) book to be a success.

I want a cute unique cookie cutter house for me.

I want my Great grandparents to live long enough to be Great Great Grandparents.

I want new black boots.

I want a pair of orange juicy sweats.

I want to move out.

I want sparkly things.

I want a puppy.

I want to have pictures taken.

I want to play dress up.

I want every single one of my Amazon wish list items (695 items)

I want to feel like I make people in my life feel good about themselves.

I want to always feel good about myself.

I want to go to Greece.

I want to win the lotto.

I want to win something.

I want the BF to get all that he deserves. Conde Nast needs to call him.

I want to have a Chanel purse.

What is it you all want? I love hearing so do tell in the comments section. :)

Happy Monday...well not too bad for a Monday anyway

Friday, June 17, 2005

For goodness sake....

I've got the hippy hippy shake

Bad bad bad pun there but I stick a Beatles line wherever I can. We have got some shakin here!

I am a born and raised California girl but for some reason I still get a little uneasy whenever there is an earthquake. We have not had much quaking for a few years and now all of a sudden we have three?!?! Either this is just the world relieving much needed stress or these quakes are just the introduction to the coming of the BIG ONE.

The boyfriend is now seriously going to buy a puppy!!! Despite what others are telling him he wants the Jack Russell Terrier. I think they are so cute and I do believe everyone should get what they want, no matter what others say. I am beyond happy a puppy is coming. I was going to shoot some of the woman in my family if they did not have a baby soon. We are seriously lacking in the babies on this side of the coast being that all my younger cousins live in New York. So, having a puppy is something that can hold me over until Mrs. and Mrs. I-won't-say-their-names start driving in the preggo lane.

I have now become fascinated with a complete stranger. She was an older woman who shared the same name as me. I was contacted by her because she came across my blog sometime ago. I have since learned some amazing stories about the life she lead. She lived through wars, the roaring 20s, and glamour. She was a flapper, a nurse, a wife, and a friend. It is amazing how a stranger can inspire someone so much. I hope to one day wake up when I am 90 years old and be able to look back on my life in the same fashion. The stories some people can is just astounding.

These hot firemen just came to my office )well to the heart institutes office next door) they were pretty cute. What is it about firemen? I think it is the whole rescue thing. (honey if you are reading this, don't worry you rescue me from insanity every day hehe)

So Tom and Katie are engaged. WTF?!?! 2 months!!!! They even beat my brother on time. I swear this whole relationship (*cough* publicity stunt *cough*) has got me sickened. It is going so far as to he proposed on top of the Eiffel Tower. How cliche is that!!! I swear I would rather be proposed to over dinner or at a ball game than on top of the Eiffel Tower. The whole thing is ripe with fakness. Well, that's Hollywood for you. She is even converting to Scientology from being a Catholic. Oy!

I am trying to perfect roasting nuts. (ok that came out so wrong). But really, they keep coming out soft. How the hell do I get them crunchy!!!! I need crunchy nuts damnit!

More later today...

Thank God it's Friday :)

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Dear Sylvia Rynette RN,

I read your letter regarding Rachel Rose Kaplan and I started to cry. When I first wanted to become a writer I felt like if I touched one person's heart then I would know I succeeded...even if I never sold even one piece.

Knowing that a woman, in the last times of her life, was intrigued by my writing makes me feel like I have made a difference. Bringing light to someone's life, no matter for how long, is all I ever really wanted to do.

The fact that we not only share the same name, but that my Hebrew name is Rose makes me wonder if God really does work in mysterious ways.

The letter you wrote means so much to me. I would love for you to contact me so I can talk to you further about Rachel, whom I now feel so connected to. I would appreciate it greatly. A part of me now feels like this great woman was meant to walk into my little world.

Please contact me at so I can learn more about her

Lots of love

Rachel Kaplan

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Let's talk about stress baby....

I am practically living out of my car. I am not kidding. My entire car is full of clothes, makeup, shower gel and shoes. On a given night I don't know where I might be sleeping. My boyfriend's? My own house? Will I even sleep? So as of right now I have clothes everywhere, my computer is causing problems, I have yet to organize my new phone and I just might go crazy.

What I need is one full day. A full day to do nothing but organize my books, my clothes, my phone, my to do life. Instead I am running around from work to the gym to errands and manage to arrive home by 9 o clock only to either fall asleep or pack the next days clothes and head on over to my boyfriend's house.

This weekend I had to go to Santa Barbara for my brother's graduation for his Masters. In typical Kaplan family fashion I had lots of fun mixed with lots of tears.

I am now on my period and all I want to do is kill everything that crosses my path. In a few days I will be back to normal for now I feel like everyone is against me and the world does not feel my pain. I feel like I get no love except from my dog Boris who loves me even when I am a bitchy moody pms'y nut job.

Just a couple more days.....

Just a couple more days....

I need hugs and well wishes today so send them to me!! Pretty please....;)

In other news....

I have to wonder about people who constantly use their income and net worth to magnify their status. I do understand how the male ego is based largely on what they do for their vocation, being that they feel like good providers, but I don't understand one basing how much better they are than everyone else because they happen to have sold their soul to work 80 hours a week for the chance to buy 400 dollar shirts. What's the point?

Yes there is such a thing as people asking for Botox for their dogs. Has our nations dog obsession gone too far?

I had a dream last night of what my life might be like in 5 years. Suprisingly I liked it. Above all else I was happy in my dream.

The Michael Jackson verdict....If he walks I will take it upon myself to go up to Santa Maria and cut off his small multi colored penis.

More later...

Have a fantabulous day!!

Monday, June 06, 2005

The secret to a happy marriage

This past weekend, my grandparents celebrated their 50th "Golden" wedding anniversary.

My grandparents fight enough, but what I see is a pretty happy and healthy marriage. They have been together since my grandmother was 17. They had two children and lost another. They have gone from dirt poor to the type of lifestyle most would envy.

They went through deaths in families, births, weddings, and every other mile stone. They even lost their entire house and all their possessions in a fire.

So..... Saturday as I was sitting at one of the best restaurants I have eaten at, drinking red wine to my hearts content and loving the fact that we surprised both grandparents with a party without them finding out. I looked at both of them and had to wonder, what was their secret? What did they do that most never do to sustain a healthy and lasting marriage?

My grandfather, toasted out of his mind, got up to give a speech and made some comments on the subject at hand.

"Some people have asked me how to have a healthy marriage...and to that I say it is best to wake up every morning and know your place in the world....its good to be above and not below."

What this means I have no idea...but I guess it is the secret to a happy marriage.

The night included people saying the secret to a happy marriage is, "yes dear." Lots of sparkly diamonds always helps. Hey whatever works. ;)

I got drunk. I was a happy drunk.

Anyway...I see my grandparents through good and bas as one of the few successful marriages out there. I wish them 50 more years.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

What do we deserve?

The answer is very simple. We deserve exactly what we think we deserve.

I was talking to a dear friend last night when he explained that I deserved the moon and the stars and everything in between I could possibly want.

"There is a catch," he said.

"What's the catch"? There is always a damn catch!

"You have to think you deserve it."


The thing is in the bible it states, "Ask and you shall receive. Knock and the door will be opened." It does not say you have to explain why. Being who you are is the why. You deserve it because you say you do. All you have to do is ask.

Well that sounds so simple. However, sometimes if we really sit down and think about it we either don't know what we deserve, don't know what to ask for, and feel so shitty-run-over about ourselves that we think we deserve nothing.

I know enough about myself that I deserve and want the best that life has to offer. However, I think one needs to be more specific. I think we all need to be more specific. So to help us all out here is a list that I think we all deserve in life for simply being exactly who we are.

1) Respect. We all deserve respect. BUT don't expect someone to respect you if you disrespect them

2) Kindness. There is never a reason to be mean. BUT if you hurt someone I love then the claws come out.

3) Love. I think everyone deserves great love. Period. No IFS ANDS or BUTS.

4) Trust. We deserve trust but in order to get it we sorta have to give it. Such a catch 22.

5) Fulfillment. If you feel something that you want and it does not come from somewhere selfish then by all means you should have it.

Notice a pattern here? We do deserve everything. But to get everything you have to give.

So does this mean if I give my clothes to the poor than more will magically appear? ;)

Friday, May 27, 2005

The Walkers are happy...

My house sits on a hill. Surrounding my house is many other hills, trails and various other paths for the joggers and walkers of my community to tackle. For years, as I drive my car, walk around and look around my neighborhood I see the same people going for their daily runs and the like.

After a while I get used to seeing these people and often attempt to gauge what their lives are like. Do they walk with babies? Are they always with a spouse? Alone?

Often I might see a woman walking with her husband and a few years later I see the same couple walking with a stroller carrying a tiny baby. It is interesting to see these people grow with their lives.

For the longest time I saw this woman walking every day of the week. She was slightly older and walked with a slight limp. Even though her walk was slow, everyday I saw her along the path, walking with a gusto. I never felt sorry for this woman. She always seemed like the type that was comfortable with herself. However, I always felt bad that for years she was always alone. She had this sadness in her face that made me think she had no one. No significant other. No children.

Yesterday as I was driving to the store when I saw this lone walker. This time a smile had replaced her normal bitter facial expression. I looked down at the ground and saw why. Walking beside her was an adorable puppy. It made me smile.

I don't care if it is a puppy a child or a man, everyone should have a companion. (Besides is there even a difference?) ;)If only just to bring a smile to a sullen face.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Some things to think about...

To the anonymous women who wrote me a heartfelt comment on my last post. I wanted to be a writer to be able to connect to people. I wanted to show stranger that life can be interesting even if you are not on the fame and fortune track.

Sometimes I think back to times when people told me I could not write because I had bad spelling. I used to think I could not write because I was not a regular Adams, Delillo or Eggers.

Then I get a comment from a stranger that reminds me why I write in the first place. See most of the time it is not about grammar or spelling. It is never about training or school. It has and always will be about connecting with people. It is about being able to tell the story in your head through paper (or a computer screen).

To the anonymous commenter. Thank you. You remind me why I want to be a writer to begin with.

More updates later.


Sunday, May 22, 2005

So I hear women are evil.

I was talking to the grandfather today...

he interrupts with a "hang on hon"

I hear ruffles and arguing in the background.

"Hon I have to go and call you back. I have to change. Your grandmother does not like what I am wearing to dinner.....THINGS HAVE NOT CHANGED IN 50 FUCKING YEARS"

The boyfriend, as we are leaving Star Wars today (for the second time this week) makes a comment, "everything bad that happens, happens because of some girl. Anakin would not have become Darth if it were not for Padame. Helen of Troy. Adam and Eve. It is all because of the women. "

Are we that evil? Do we screw with men's minds so much that wars or villains come out of it?

Come on people we can't be that bad. Yes we can be moody and pissy. We can cause men to become evil villains who want to take over the world. But at least it comes in a cute package. :)

Friday, May 20, 2005

So my father is out of town on business and my mother is home alone for the next couple of days. She called me this morning while I was on my way to work and told me something that almost made me crash I was laughing so hard.

My mother, late last night, decides she smells burning rubber and calls the fire department to ask if they knew of something burning in the neighborhood. They said they didn't but replied that they would send a few men to check it out. My mother feels assured and goes back to bed. Now let me say that my mother is alone and is paranoid. An hour or so later she hears a knock at the door and goes to answer it in her nightgown not knowing who it was.

She opens the door to see four large firemen standing there (she felt the need to tell me that one of them was very cute).
"Oh...Hi. Are you here because you found something? Is something burning?"

" Ma' you know what a skunk smells like?"

Yes people. My mother thought the smell of a skunk was a fire with burning rubber somewhere in the neighborhood.

In other news...

Today I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months. I call it 7 months of joy, laughs, growth, and love...

He calls it..."7 months of putting up with you," "7 months and I am still alive," and, "7 months ago I had no gray hairs."

The season finale of The O.C made me cry many many times. I have to say that after a less than stellar season they pulled out all of the stops for the finale. Hopefully next season will be a good one.

I saw two puppies at the pet store this weekend. I am soooo tempted you have no idea. I like the Jack Russell and the King Charles Cavalier (sp?). I want a puppy!!!

I talked for over 5,000 minutes on my cell phone last month. I think I might have some issues. :0 Though I can't be the only one that talks that much.

Work is going well. There is some catty drama here in the office. I am not surprised bring that most of us are female. That and there are so many big egos here it is nutty. I am getting really involved in breast cancer awareness though so that is a good thing. It is just shocking to me how many women there are that have it.

I am going to start training for a marathon. I want to be ready by next years rock n roll marathon.

I looked at my bank account and felt like a real live grown up. It was just the thing I needed to help feed my ego. :)

more later

Thank God it's Friday!!!

Thursday, May 19, 2005

So many thoughts are running through my head. Seriously my mind is a big ole clusterfuck of good things, bad things, and everything in between.

Last night at midnight I went with the boyfriend and some friends to the midnight showing of Revenge of the Sith. Wellllll....I am shocked I tell you. Just shocked! There were grown men dressed up in Star Wars garb like it was Halloween. There were guys who are probably lawyers and managers having light saber fights in front of the theatre. It was too funny for words. So we get into the movie and the boyfriend is jumping up and down like a little boy because it is the "last time he will ever see a Star Wars movie in the theatre for the first time."

I admit I got a little excited for him when he looked over and said "this is one of those things we will look back and remember STAR WARS."

So I feel asleep after the first three minutes (I was tired!!) However, I managed to stay awake for the last 45 minutes just in time to get my questions answered and to make me want to see the movie again (so I can see the whole thing).

More later but for now I leave you all with a question...

How many of you know that restaurants don't take checks???????

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Conversations between me and the boyfriend...Part One

Yet another post in a 24 hour period. Being sick has be on a roll...

I love the boyfriend. He is cute and sexy. He is very sweet and trustworthy and smart. But I swear I have never met a bigger geek! Except maybe my brother.

During American Idol:

(during Bo's song)

Me - This song is making me cry
BF - Its pretty hot
Me - I'm crying
BF - You are on your period
Me - So what!!! That has nothing to do with it!!!!

During a time on AIM when (thank God) I was not at his house

BF - damn, i just laid a fart i wish i recorded
Me - oh dear God
Me - no more!!
BF - i've been farting all night
Me - why ?
Bf - no idea
(it is because he ate those low carb bars that cause farts)

ME - oh honey
BF - if i was naked in the water i can propel mself all the way to Catalina
BF - there's a visual
Me - visual?
BF - seeing my ass fart itself to Catalina
ME - please no more

BF - i think that one woke up CHina
Me - oh honey please yours are like way too much and it almost kicks me out of bed
BF - well, consider us even then
ME - i dont kick you out of bed you just no like cuddle
BF - hell yeah you do!! whered does all this gas come from>????
i swear, i could fill a blimp with all this hot air
i mean, it's gotten to the point where i can control the tone and staccatto of
the farts

ME - honey you keep up like this and you will be sleeping on the sofa and i will get
your bed

to be continued...

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Yeah two posts in a 12 hour period.

I know this post will have nothing to do with the last one

I seriously never want to spend the night at my parents house again! They are coming home today. This house is a zoo. I just want some peace and quiet. My mother got home and was so pissed off that I somehow broke the spa and pool with my bare hands (because I am capable of that) , no one was here when I was sick (because that is my fault), there was tons of mail and the newspapers never got stopped. (again I am at fault). However, she praised my ability to take care of the house and said I kept it relatively clean. Yeah me!

I watched Return of the Jedi last night for the first time. All I have to say is, who what a twister! That and the Ewoks are super cute.

I am going to a midnight screening on Episode III this wednesday so I have until then to watch the first five. Needless to say it has been hectic. That and I feel the geekdom of these movies is rubbing off on me. I also must admit I am pretty hooked.

The boyfriend is pretty MIA due to deadlines at work. It seems he has 24 hours to do 48 hours worth of work. He gets very focused. He calls it tunnel-vision. I call it, "look at me butt-head, you are not listening"! ;)

The parents are coming home from their Hawaiian vacation today. I imagine with t-shirts that say "hang loose" on them and white shell necklaces. They could not bring me home a deed to a condo in Maui?? I don't ask for much!!!

My job is pretty hard not to get emotionally attached to. There are just way too many cancer patients out there. Working at a hospital is like looking at things the world tries to ignore every single day.

I am sick so I could be going crazy but can someone explain the Emperor to me? So Darth is the father, Leah is the sister. That is one fucked up family.

Speaking of which, anyone notice how much Buffy is like Star Wars?

Someone tell me why guys laugh so damn hard when they fart loud. In fact, even when they fart soft. There I am lying my head on the boyfriends lap feeling all cuddly and close when he starts laughing. I wonder what he is laughing at until the smell drifts into my nose and kills 2 million brain cells.

One of my friends, lets call her Elle, talked to me last night for the first time in months. We sounded like two strangers exchanging small talk. What makes friendships grow apart? Do we just change from high school that much? The friends I have now that I still talk to all the time are ones I either knew since I was an embryo or met after high school. Maybe there is something to that. I am also making a lot of new friends with the people at work. I like people that work at hospitals they are a lot more intelligent than my last job thats for sure. (we all remember the "baby mama drama")

Someone told me last night that my writing is as good as what they read in any respectable column. This makes me want to be done with school even more. That or I am so tempted to finish school on line and plunge head first into the journalism world. I am sick of school, I want to be in the working world already. A year and a half left. I am counting down.

I really want to go to Hawaii.

I want things that sparkle. That and one of those build-a-bear things.

What is the deal with this new extended daylight savings? What is that supposed to accomplish?

Is it easier to be real and piss people off, or fake and make others happy?

Monday, May 16, 2005

It is only in hindsight that everyone is a genius...

Well duh! Looking back on something that happens in our life we can always understand why it happened. However, while said thing is happening we might as well be blond with an IQ of 80. Really, everything we learn is learned because we look back on something, analyze it, figure it out and commit it to memory.

This does not only apply to simple things like putting your hand on a hot stove but rather those life circumstances that put words in our mouth like, "well if only....that is the reason...if the bastard wouldn't have, then I wouldn't have....I wish I had not....I wish I had...." it all makes sense in hindsight. And there we are, GENIUS!

What one has to realize is that at any given moment we are not supposed to know what the hell we are doing. Think about it. If we knew what the right way to do something every time, would life not be the most boring piece of shit you ever could imagine? Yes we can KNOW why things HAPPENED in the past once we look at it from the present. However, what is the point if the other option is pure hell...knowing everything.

Look at who you are today. Look at who is around you and what circumstances have been lain by your feet. According to countless religions, philosophers, and psychologists, everything happened because it had to happen for you to be who you are and who you are supposed to become. This poses the question of why we have to analyze anything at all?

Nietzsche, one of the greatest (and yet I imagine fucked up) minds in history poses the idea of Eternal Recurrence. He states:

What if a demon crept up to you one day and said to you, "This life as you live it now and have lived it, you will have to live again and again, times without number, and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and all the unspeakably small and great in your life must return to you and everything in the same series and sequence - and in the same way this spider and this moonlight among the trees, and this same way this moment and I myself. The eternal hour glass of existence will be turned again and again - and you with it, you dust of dust!" - Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who thus spoke? Or have you experienced a a tremendous moment in which you would have answered him, "You are a God and never have I heard anything more divine!" If this thought gained power over you it would, as you are now, transform and perhaps crush you, the question in all and everything: "do you want this again and again, times without number?" would lie as the heaviest burden upon all your actions. Or how well would you have to be disposed towards yourself and towards life would you have to become to have no greater desire than this eternal sanction and seal?

So essentially, if we were told we had to live our life again, the exact same way as we have before, would we be paralyzed with dread or euphoric with contentment?

It is the real genius who can say they would love to live their life exactly as it was before. It is the wise who would do everything in their power from that day forward of hearing from this "demon" to bring as much joy into their life as possible.

So as we will live our lives over and over again ("times without number"), what would we do differently? Not only how we would live life differently but how would we look at the pain we have gone through?

The Kabbalists use this analogy...what if someone said, "I will give you a million dollars for every hurdle you jump over in that race over there."
You would go out searching for hurdles! Well that is the way they look at problems. It is through the pain we become "rich" with wisdom and the ability to perceive real joy.

So maybe being deaf, dumb and blind as we trudge along through life ain't so bad. At least we know we might become millionaires.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

It is the fear not the fire.....

I am still at my parents house, taking care of the dogs. Last night I could not sleep because I kept hearing noises coming from our attic (I kid you not). However, in the light of day I think it was probably a raccoon or something of that sort.

So there I am, sitting up in bed with two dogs who take up an entire 2/3s of said bed when I get to thinking....

Earlier that night I was watching the slightly disappointing Revelations on NBC when the son of someone had to jump through the fire in front of two weird people who are there merely for decoration. One of the decorative guys said to the boy who had to go through the fire (with me here?)..."It is the fear, not the fire that burns to the bone.." Cliche, yes. Scripted, yes. This show keeps pissing me off.

Fast forward a few hours and I am sitting up in bed, hugging my dog for dear life and I found myself repeating (out loud mind you!) "It is the fear, not the fire that burns to the bone."

Here is the part where you readers will no longer hold me in any respectful position in your mind from now on. It worked! I repeat a mantra from a television show and no longer was I scared..No sir!

Does this make me a cliche too?

Besides that I am making it a point to never sleep alone at my parents house again. There are too many dark rooms. There are weird noises. So many doors someone can just crawl through...:/

So being as that they are still on a vacation I should be on and I am stuck for the next 6 days, I am in a pickle. My dogs suck at being guard dogs that's for damn sure. Boris only barks when he hears a police siren 40 miles away. Sugar just runs and hides from strangers. Nala, well Nala is just a bitch.

Tonight the TV is staying on when I go to bed as is every light in every room except for mine. No way am I taking chances. I could also be insane and slightly paranoid...The jury is still out.

Monday, May 09, 2005

I need some help :)

So when I find blogs I enjoy I like to link them. (hint hint to those of you who like mine;) )

However, I have been doing it the hard way (going into the template, writing the weird code thing...can you tell I am not a computer genius?

I recently got this blogroll thing, and now I just have no idea how to use it or what it is really for. So this is basically me asking all of you who use blogroller to email me (link on the side) and give me some pointers on what I do with blogroll and what it is for.

more soon.....

Sunday, May 08, 2005

My dogs are joke

Last night my pug took a crap in the living room. I am not sure if this was before or after he took a whiz on the leather sofa. This could also have been before Sugar, the pit bull, climbed up onto the kitchen counter and attempted to get at the boyfriends empty lasagna bowl leftover from dinner. This of course, caused the entire bowl to fall off the counter and completely shatter all over the entire floor. This interrupted our sleep and the boyfriend had to sweep up an entire floor in the middle of the his underwear.

So i am sitting at the parents house, while they are off galavanting in Hawaii and I am stuck baby-sitting these dogs. Yes, I use the word baby-sitting because that is the amount of work they require. So I screamed at Sugar, while Nala (yes there is a third dog) started barking at no one in particular and Boris proceeded to run around in circles probably because we interrupted his session of joyous masturbation. Did I mention the pug masturbates? Apparently you don't need retractable thumbs to do so.

Now I need a vacation....

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Does anyone else think so?

Does anyone else like to curl up on the sofa with a bowl of low carb ice cream and a good movie rather than go out to a club in LA where they will not be able to walk from point A to point B without being grabbed by the opposite sex?

Does anyone else say one day they hate their mother and the next day say they are the greatest?

Does anyone else laugh at the thought that boys, age 3 or 30, still run around the house wagging their penis' at everything?

Does anyone else like to watch guilty pleasures rather than "serious" news?

Does anyone else like to go to a movie in the middle of the day so you feel like you have not wasted an entire evening?

Does anyone else talk to their dogs in baby talk like they can understand you?

Does anyone else try their hardest to turn their necks backward just so they can get a good view of their ass in the mirror?

Does anyone else fart sometimes when they laugh?

Does anyone else get really pissed off when someone they like gets voted off American Idol, but as yet to ever vote for anyone on the show?

Does anyone else make wishes at 11:11, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44 and 5:55....and seriously think your wishes might come true?

Does anyone else consider protein bars a balanced meal?

Does anyone else wear leopard print undies with ratty old sweat pants?

Does anyone else still feel fuzzy when someone says they love matter how many times they have said it in the past?

Does anyone else already have Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince already pre-ordered?

Anyone? Anyone? Anyone weird out there? :)

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

I love the Border's bookstore by my house. It is always so lively and full of rich, stuck up, snobby Orange County folks. I still love it

However, I do not love mean, crabby ole ladies who cuss at you in the parking lot.

I was pulling my car out of the my space and this old hag comes zooming past my car at a pretty high speed for a narrow parking lot. I slam on my breaks and miss hitting her by about two inches. So, one would think it is her fault right? I was pulling out slowly, she had to see me, any decent person would have stopped. Well she DID stop. But this was after I almost hit her and it was only to block me from pulling out any further and leaving the lot.

When did old people get so mean?!?!

So there she is, parked in front of my car and not moving. I really need to get home because quite frankly I need to pee. She rolls down her window. I wonder if this is a queue. Does she need to tell me something? Did I really hit her? So I toll down my window...

" Look out your fucking window lady and learn how to drive! We are not in Fucking CHINA!"

She was like 70 years old. Does she kiss her mother with that mouth? What is this world coming to when old ladies are now hostile. Aren't they supposed to be cute and cuddly like my great grandma? And what was the deal about China?

So much confusion. My world is all askew. Old ladies are now mean to me.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

So I read about the cricket formula. The cricket formula states that if you count the number of times a cricket chirpey chirps in 15 seconds and then add 37 to that number, you get the current temperature. Pretty nifty right? If someone tells you this you might think, "whoa what a cool thing this chick knows." RIGHT?

HA! NO!!! I tell the Boyfriend and well he is pretty impressed. But he has to be impressed or he will get the stink eye.

So I go and tell the brother and all I get is a, "Yeah I know. And there is a formula for rattlesnakes as well." Bastard! Is there nothing he does not know?!?!

So I am making this vow to myself. I vow to do whatever it takes to find a fact that the brother does not know. I don't care how long it takes. Oh yes, I will stump him.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Is beauty in the eye of the beholder or is it a law of nature?

Ok take a seat. This might make absolutely no sense whatsoever. But, it makes sense in my head so you just have to deal with it.

I look in the mirror every morning. I study my face while I put on my makeup and do my hair. To some people I am the definition of beauty. To others I might be just the ugliest thing ever made. It is an entirely personal opinion as beauty as always been personal throughout time.

The question is what makes us think someone or something is beautiful? Obviously there is no universal standard for beauty. I might think a guy is hot while one of my girlfriends would think I am nuts. Even the beauty of art is not universal. My brother and my sister-in-law have very opposing views about what art is beautiful. Everything is personal.

However, what is universal is what we associate beauty with now and at various times throughout history. “Beauty” was perceived as being close to or the same thing as “good.” “Good” things are not only what we like but also what we would like to acquire for ourselves. Love, wealth, happy experiences and fine objects can all be considered “good,” and therefore “good" can be described as anything that stimulates our desire. We desire the “beautiful.”

Before I come across as shallow remember the idea of beauty is not limited to people but rather a concept to describe various situations, art, scenes in nature, and people. The idea of a beautiful thing is something that would make us happy if it were ours but remains beautiful even if it belongs to someone else. Everyone can see the sunset as beautiful even if they do not own it.

In ancient Greece, the aesthetic ideal was described by various philosophers as having “harmony” and “symmetry.” What was beautiful in Greece was so important they claimed, “Only that which is beautiful is loved,” and “the most beautiful is the most just.” The Beauty ideals of the Greek bodies were, as Plato described, in Harmony and proportion. However, all it takes is to see what they considered beautiful to understand what they meant by proportion. The sculptures they had of the human body portrayed muscular men and soft curvy woman. Geometrical shapes were also very popular.

The idea of a well proportioned thing or person as beautiful spans even to modern day. The Pythagoreans looked at numbers as they relate to beauty. They claimed that all things exist because they are ordered. Essentially, they are the realization of mathematical laws, which are a condition of existence and of beauty. A statue in Greece, called the Canon embodies all the rules of correct proportion, or perfect ratio, in all of its parts.

But what about other types of beauty? In the 18th century many pieces of art represented the combination of beautiful things with terror, the devil and death. Aristotle explained why images in art, such as horrific volcanoes provoked a feeling of fear and pity. This made the person viewing the art feel cathartic. This idea of beauty is called the Sublime. Those feelings of fear without actually having experienced that, which one fears, made it beautiful. Sounds crazy…yeah. But think about how many people love the thrill of skydiving or the two-hour fright fest of a scary movie. It is cathartic and according to Aristotle it was beautiful.

So does this answer what is beautiful? Hardly. Is it something that is mathematically proportioned? The artists of the renaissance seem to think so. Or is something more? Is beauty truly in the eye of the beholder? Is it something the spectator feels that makes the object or person beautiful? I know I don’t have the answers. But the questions sure are fun.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

I know I know I have not wrote a damn thing in a while. Truth is I have been writing up a storm! Just nothing I would like to put on a public space. ;)

I promise some very insightful, smart and yet slightly stupid stuff is coming your way.

For now just know...

new job is going great.

I am counting down the days until Hitchhiker makes it into theatres.

Everyone needs to buy the new Glen Phillips album. While your at it pick up Aqueduct.

Everyone needs to read The History of Beauty by Umberto Eco. While your at it read The Name of the Rose by Ego as well.

Oh and just to brag with reckless abandon.....I am going to see Paul McCartney!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Who decides what makes a writer great?

Sometimes I just hate being a girl. Actually approximately 36 days out of the year I hate being a girl. The rest of the year is just fine and dandy. So tonight at dinner the subject came up about what makes a writer great. The boyfriend claims that one (not the only) thing that makes a writer great is vocabulary. I personally think what makes a writer great is the ability to convey the writer’s thoughts to the mind of the people in a smooth manner. Or rather in a manner that RELATES to the people. I don’t care if the material is a mystery, politically incorrect humor, romance, drama or psychological editorials; it has to be able to form a mental picture in the readers mind. Essentially if the reader does not like the person writing, he or she won’t like the actual writing. Marcus Aurelius is the perfect example of a great writer who “speaks” to the people. If one reads Marcus, even though the language may be archaic, you would still feel like Marcus himself is speaking to you. That, to me, is a great writer. I am not there yet. However, I have faith I will get there someday. Now vocabulary is important and the boyfriend brings up a good point. If you feel the writer is an idiot you won’t want to listen to him anyway. But (and this is a big BUT) you can have “common man” vocabulary in your writing and still be considered great (at least in my book). The boyfriend's writing is politically incorrect humor. There are not many words the everyman would have to look up in the dictionary to be able to understand what he writes. (In my opinion this is a good thing because no one has the ability not to laugh whilst reading his material.) But, is he good? Yes. Is he great? Yes. So this brings me to wonder, am I wrong? Am I right? Neither? What makes a writer great? My brother is a great writer and yet the everyman could probably understand only half of what he writes. He has the vocabulary. He is a great writer. But, does he “speak” and “relate” to the people? Hell no. So maybe it can be both and the exceptional writer has the ability to combine both good human relations and great diction. The jury is still out.
In other news….
The job is going well, however I do find it hard to separate emotions when you have to call a patient to come back to the doctors knowing very well the doctor found cancer but not being able to tell them that over the phone. I never knew how many were really out there

I heard on the radio today that Pope Benedict VXI has an email address. Now I really know I am living in the world of technology. You really know the Internet has taken over when the freaking Pope has an email address.

The L.A Book Fair is this weekend. Everyone in the area should check it out.

I said earlier today that I just really wanted to be a writer but I was not sure it would happen. Weird thing is though; last week I had nothing in print except this blog. Today I have a photo in a magazine with a byline and a feature article on a very popular website. Maybe I just need to look at the big picture…baby steps. I don’t need to go from nothing to having my own column. I can do things little by little and someday I just might end up somewhere cool. Whether or not I am a great writer, a good writer, or the common average writer, the truth is I don’t mind either way. I just know I love to write and I was taught that you could always do what you love… if you try hard enough.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

This is just a random thing. This is my life.

I was going to talk about watching the election of the new Pope this morning, but decided against it because of my understandable lack of knowledge of what the Pope really means to me. (Really I was in awe but more because of my memories of Italy). However, the crowd reaction was beautiful and surreal. I thought about writing on how planning is stupid because things never go as planned anyway. Why not just ride where the wave takes you. I had training this morning at 8:30; I had to reschedule or 4:30 today because I forgot my shoes. I forgot my shoes! My biggest worry about my first day on the job tomorrow is how studious and cute my new outfit will be. I am not nervous about the job. Odd. I might complain about how when I went to the bank this morning to open a new account they came at me with a 300-dollar chargeback from the account I had there over two years ago. I could rant about how the lady was rude to me and talked to me in a condescending manner when I stated there was no way I was in New York in January of 2003 when I was in Europe! Those damn charges where not mine!
I could lighten the mood. I could say that without a doubt I will be debt free in two months. I will make good money. I will love my job. My boyfriend owns American flag pajamas. I have panties with ruffles on the butt. My dog masturbates and my other dog has gone psycho because she is on prednisone. I have always wanted to be a heroine. When my sister-in-law calls I know the conversation will last at least an hour. My brother has an interview on Thursday that I believe could change his life. I got recent picture today of my best friend in Aruba’s daughter. It really made me miss Aruba. The Aruban sun is different than our sun. It feels like…perfection.
I am protesting the bank charge. I know my new work outfit is cute. I will get back to Aruba someday soon. My dog will continue to masturbate and I just might buy these Beatles Pajamas.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Why being employed is more than just making money...

I just got home from being poked prodded and watched while peeing in a cup (well almost watched.) I was not even aloud to flush the damn toilet until the nurse came in and took my cup of pee from me. That was nice.

So I start my new job, (my well paying, real ob with benefits) on the 20th of next week. What is it about the 20th? Everything new seems to happen on the 20th! I even started my last job on the 20th. So anyway I have a stack of papers and books to study and read and sign before I start. Apparently there is a lot paper work in hospital positions. Regardless of all this procedure I have to say I am damn excited to start this job. I am confident in it and once again I am confident in myself.

These last couple months of unemployment have been hard on me. However, I am thankful I went through it. I am thankful because I now know how important working is and how I improve upon myself so much when I am working. It is not just about the money and being financially independent. It is about the feeling of accomplishment. That, even though I am a whole person no matter what my circumstances are; even though I am already worthy because I am just me; I am only me improved when I work for something.

These past few months I have had a lot of time to think. Unfortunately when you have too much time to think you start to disbelieve everything you are thinking about. You start to not believe in yourself. The truth is, no matter what is going on around us we can believe in ourselves and we can believe we are worthy. We don’t need to make a certain amount of money to be worthy. We don’t need to look a certain way to be worthy. We don’t have to be better than someone else to be worthy. We are worthy just because of who we are. It took me a long time to realize that. It took going into the “hole” again and struggling to climb back out.

I wrote before how I was still not sure where I was going. At first, I felt inadequate because I am 23 and I still am unsure of my future endeavors. The truth is, who the hell knows where they are going? My brother was going to be a professor as of last year when he was going into his marriage. Now he has dumped that idea and is going back into the corporate world. My grandfather went though countless jobs until he found his ground at the age of 50! My mom had two children before she decided what she wanted to do. I have many friends who are still feeling their way around different dreams. At least now I have a grasp of what my talent is. Now all I have to do is improve upon that (good advice from a friend) and the pieces will fall where they are supposed to. For now, I am happy working at the hospital, bringing a smile to faces of women who might need the outside help. I am happy just being me…good and bad, confident and vulnerable, imperfect and yet perfect at the same time.

I have a few plans in mind. I want to be financially independent by the end of the year. Yup, that’s right, no gas money, no nothing. I want to move out and I want to continue working toward my degree while at the same time working. Most importantly I want to continue believing in my talent and myself. Because, that is all we can really strive for…belief.

" I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope." - Red - Shawshank.

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies." - Andy - Shawshank.
Why being employed is more than just making money...

I just got home from being poked prodded and watched while peeing in a cup (well almost watched.) I was not even aloud to flush the damn toilet until the nurse came in and took my cup of pee from me. That was nice.

So I start my new job, (my well paying, real ob with benefits) on the 20th of next week. What is it about the 20th? Everything new seems to happen on the 20th! I even started my last job on the 20th. So anyway I have a stack of papers and books to study and read and sign before I start. Apparently there is a lot paper work in hospital positions. Regardless of all this procedure I have to say I am damn excited to start this job. I am confident in it and once again I am confident in myself.

These last couple months of unemployment have been hard on me. However, I am thankful I went through it. I am thankful because I now know how important working is and how I improve upon myself so much when I am working. It is not just about the money and being financially independent. It is about the feeling of accomplishment. That, even though I am a whole person no matter what my circumstances are; even though I am already worthy because I am just me; I am only me improved when I work for something.

These past few months I have had a lot of time to think. Unfortunately when you have too much time to think you start to disbelieve everything you are thinking about. You start to not believe in yourself. The truth is, no matter what is going on around us we can believe in ourselves and we can believe we are worthy. We don’t need to make a certain amount of money to be worthy. We don’t need to look a certain way to be worthy. We don’t have to be better than someone else to be worthy. We are worthy just because of who we are. It took me a long time to realize that. It took going into the “hole” again and struggling to climb back out.

I wrote before how I was still not sure where I was going. At first, I felt inadequate because I am 23 and I still am unsure of my future endeavors. The truth is, who the hell knows where they are going? My brother was going to be a professor as of last year when he was going into his marriage. Now he has dumped that idea and is going back into the corporate world. My grandfather went though countless jobs until he found his ground at the age of 50! My mom had two children before she decided what she wanted to do. I have many friends who are still feeling their way around different dreams. At least now I have a grasp of what my talent is. Now all I have to do is improve upon that (good advice from a friend) and the pieces will fall where they are supposed to. For now, I am happy working at the hospital, bringing a smile to faces of women who might need the outside help. I am happy just being me…good and bad, confident and vulnerable, imperfect and yet perfect at the same time.

I have a few plans in mind. I want to be financially independent by the end of the year. Yup, that’s right, no gas money, no nothing. I want to move out and I want to continue working toward my degree while at the same time working. Most importantly I want to continue believing in my talent and myself. Because, that is all we can really strive for…belief.

" I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope." - Red - Shawshank.

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies." - Andy - Shawshank.