Why being employed is more than just making money...
I just got home from being poked prodded and watched while peeing in a cup (well almost watched.) I was not even aloud to flush the damn toilet until the nurse came in and took my cup of pee from me. That was nice.
So I start my new job, (my well paying, real ob with benefits) on the 20th of next week. What is it about the 20th? Everything new seems to happen on the 20th! I even started my last job on the 20th. So anyway I have a stack of papers and books to study and read and sign before I start. Apparently there is a lot paper work in hospital positions. Regardless of all this procedure I have to say I am damn excited to start this job. I am confident in it and once again I am confident in myself.
These last couple months of unemployment have been hard on me. However, I am thankful I went through it. I am thankful because I now know how important working is and how I improve upon myself so much when I am working. It is not just about the money and being financially independent. It is about the feeling of accomplishment. That, even though I am a whole person no matter what my circumstances are; even though I am already worthy because I am just me; I am only me improved when I work for something.
These past few months I have had a lot of time to think. Unfortunately when you have too much time to think you start to disbelieve everything you are thinking about. You start to not believe in yourself. The truth is, no matter what is going on around us we can believe in ourselves and we can believe we are worthy. We don’t need to make a certain amount of money to be worthy. We don’t need to look a certain way to be worthy. We don’t have to be better than someone else to be worthy. We are worthy just because of who we are. It took me a long time to realize that. It took going into the “hole” again and struggling to climb back out.
I wrote before how I was still not sure where I was going. At first, I felt inadequate because I am 23 and I still am unsure of my future endeavors. The truth is, who the hell knows where they are going? My brother was going to be a professor as of last year when he was going into his marriage. Now he has dumped that idea and is going back into the corporate world. My grandfather went though countless jobs until he found his ground at the age of 50! My mom had two children before she decided what she wanted to do. I have many friends who are still feeling their way around different dreams. At least now I have a grasp of what my talent is. Now all I have to do is improve upon that (good advice from a friend) and the pieces will fall where they are supposed to. For now, I am happy working at the hospital, bringing a smile to faces of women who might need the outside help. I am happy just being me…good and bad, confident and vulnerable, imperfect and yet perfect at the same time.
I have a few plans in mind. I want to be financially independent by the end of the year. Yup, that’s right, no gas money, no nothing. I want to move out and I want to continue working toward my degree while at the same time working. Most importantly I want to continue believing in my talent and myself. Because, that is all we can really strive for…belief.
" I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope." - Red - Shawshank.
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies." - Andy - Shawshank.