Sunday, October 31, 2004

In honor of my new song list idea, today these songs are not about any specific feeling but rather a range of emotions. These songs are among some of my favorite songs of all time. One thing they all do have in common is they make me feel something. And for that, they make me feel happy. This is the soundtrack of my life. Usually it is a piece of the lyric that gets me.

P.S Your Rock My World – The Eels – “Sitting down on the steps at the old post office, the flag was flying at half mast. And, I was thinking ‘bout how everyone was dying, and maybe it’s time to live.”
It was a time in my life when the truth of mortality had hit me like a ton of bricks. I was at my special spot one night just staring at the serene ocean with this song playing in the background. I did not understand the world at the time but a lyric played over and over in my head and I knew that I had to stop thinking about the "whys" of death and start life over again.

Let It Be – The Beatles – “When you find yourself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me. Speaking words of wisdom…let it be.”
There were times in my life when a problem or a situation would tie my brain in knots. I would sit and mull over something until I was blue in the face. Unfortunately if we deny our feelings they just get worse. If we worry about a problem it just gets worse. Fear is a weird thing. This song always reminds me that when you have a problem it is no use to worry about it. Let it go, and what is supposed to happen will happen. Let it go and it will work out in the end. Like the wise one said, “Everything will be ok in the end. If it is not ok, it is not the end.”

Life and How to Live it – REM – This is my favorite REM song of all time. It also happens to be one of my favorite songs of all time. It is one of those songs that comes close to flawless. “I will write a book and it will be called, ‘Life and how to life it’.”

Any Love – Ken Stringfellow – Besides Ken being the coolest guy ever! This song is just sheer beauty. He based on Jupiter and yet one line is what sticks with me. “Heaven Keep the light on so I can keep my eye on you.” Obviously it is important to Ken as well, since it is programmed right into his phone. That line is perfect. It represents everything great about unconditional love, romantic or platonic.

Flowers in the Windows – This is my happy song. This song takes me to my happy place. It would be downright impossible to listen to this song and not have a smile on your face.

Mad World – Tears for Fears - My decent into madness. We have all been there. Some more than others. Sometimes this world just does not make any sense. Sometimes we look around and the only answer we can come up with for anything is, “I just don’t know.” Things happen in life that can drive even the sanest of us insane. Sometimes the world inside our head gets so tangled in reality we forget what used to be real. This song is MY decent into madness.

Endangered Species – Dianne Reeves – “I am an endangered species and I sing no victim song. I am a woman. I am an artist. And I know where my voice belongs.” Besides Dianne being one hell of a woman, this song makes you feel like one hell of a woman. I always get taken back to when I danced to this song onstage. I felt powerful and beautiful, as every woman should feel.

Stop Crying Your Heart Out – Oasis –
Hold up... hold on... don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile... Shine on... Don't be scared
Your destiny may keep you warm.
Cos all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry you'll see them some day
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

If you are so sad you think you might just pass out, listen to this song. You will know a) that people feel the same way you do sometimes and b) that being sad is a choice that you can get out of. This song always helps.

Let me Entertain You – Robbie Williams – “Hell is gone and heavens here, there’s nothing left for you to fear, shake your ass come over here. Now scream” And that is just the opening line. This is a dancer’s song and if you are not a dancer, listening to this song will even get your hips moving.

A Dios Le Pido - Juanes – This song is Aruba to me. Driving in the beat up Jeep over the rocky cliffs with Jomar, Christie and Nir. Aruba was like this little paradise tucked away form the chaos of the outside world I am reminded of dancing all night, sleeping all day on the beach and heading out once more.

Do You Realize – The Flaming Lips - This song is my anthem. This song is pretty much what I like to live my life like. Day by day. “Do you realize that everyone you know someday will die? And instead of saying all of your goodbyes…Let them know you realize that life goes fast, it’s hard to make the good things last…You realize the sun don’t go down. It’s just an illusion caused by the world spinning ‘round.” Yup. Day by day. Make everything good last and feel good about it all.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

I am a mess.

I hurt my knee but decided to run on it anyway because I am an idiot.

I then got my butt kicked at training and now my butt hurts so bad it is hard to sit. I am walking like a weirdo.

My lip is sore because I have a scratch on it. I am a mess.

I have no clue how I hurt my knee and I HATE being hurt.

More to come, just not in the mood to write, more like in the mood :)

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Emotive sexual responses to music…No, chivalry is not dead…making people happy…and other random musings from yours truly.

Before I begin to discuss the music, let me first begin by saying how much life sucks when you can’t make those you care about, happy. I know someone’s happiness is never our responsibility. I know we have no control over anyone else. But, when I am happy I want those I care about to be happy and I find myself beating my brain trying to do so. I am reminded of a clown making faces at the crying baby, just to try to get them to crack a smile. Just one smile will do. Bottom line is if those I care about are happy, then I am just a little happier. When I was depressed, I saw black clouds where there were not any. When I was depressed I thought my life was full of a series of unfortunate events that inevitably lead me to believe that, no, I was just not meant to be content. Of course, I am now out of it, I am content with my life and whatever it decides to give me. But, I look at people and see that sadness in their eyes, the kind I used to have, and try to figure out what people I loved did to me to help me get rid of that. Turns out all they did was care.
I guess if I had to make just one birthday with it would be that everyone I knew were happy. And if not euphoric then just content. Hakuna Matata dear friends and I will never stop trying.

Lots of people out there say chivalry is dead. Chivalry is not dead. Case in point. I was walking into a bar with someone and almost opened the door when he grabbed it away from me just to open it first. Usually one would just let you go ahead and open the door. I was rather impressed by this. It is these little things that show me, chivalry is very much alive. Case in point #2. I was at work and needed some help with a customer only I was leaving for the day. This was a difficult customer and yet James offered to take care of it for me. Just as simple as that. I did not even have to ask him. Case in point #3, last night Steve rescued me. He was nothing short of a knight in shining armor. And, no, chivalry is not limited to males. Simone might be one of the most chivalrous girls I know. Lyndsey is loyal. Amy has honor. Rachelle has courage. It is many examples like this, which show me people are actually good-natured people. Now chivalry itself is described as the combination of qualities expected of the ideal medieval knight, especially courage, honor, loyalty, and consideration for others. There are knights in many places. Anyone who believes chivalry is dead, come to me and I will show you a knight.

I decided that instead of my weekly heavy rotations, I would instead talk about certain songs that evoke an emotional response. I had been letting this idea marinate and I had talked about it with Amy a while ago. While I kept a mental list of songs I thought envoked certain emotional responses, I had not written about it until now.

This week, since this is my longest list, I want to talk about certain songs, or even just snippets of certain songs that generate a feeling of “sexy.” I know you all know what I am talking about. We have those types of songs that, all of a sudden, make you breathe a little deeper. They make you want to get up and gyrate your hips no matter where you are at the given moment. You might find yourself (well maybe not the guys) rubbing your hands on your body and swaying to the music and your thoughts begin to wonder off….
This is hard when one is in the car; imagination running wild, and your friend is sitting next to you wondering what the hell that big ass grin on your face could possibly mean. It is just a song right? Hell no. These songs make you want to speed race home, get the hell out of the car, say goodbye to your girlfriend and make a beeline for your significant other (or top drawer of your nightstand in some cases).
Some of these songs make you feel sweet and sexy. Some make you feel aggressive. Watch out for those they can cause a lapse in judgment. Music can be just as potent as ecstasy. So without further delay…

Some are entire songs, some snippets and sections, and some just the lyric. Whatever it may be this list is elastic, so tell me “your” songs. I want to hear em'. :)

1. Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing – Chris Issak. – The entire song fits here. With the first three beats you find your body start to vibrate. You can hear the sexual tension in Chris’ voice as he croons to a background rhythm that can only be described as heavenly. When he breaks into the, “just how low low low she’ll go…” section I would be shocked if even the most insecure, depressed person did not feel just a little bit sexier.
2. The Passenger – Michael Hutchence – A great cover to a great song. He turns punk into sexy. Michaels voice is like water, smooth and brings a slight chill to the bone. The song starts out slow and suddenly the drums kick in. You might find yourself dancing in your living room to this one. Let it happen
3. Feeling Good – Nina Simone – somehow good R&B can make anyone feel sexy. The original anthem for a good day, listen to this whenever you need a little pick me up.
4. So Fast, So Numb - REM – specifically the middle section. The music slows down for a section and Michael stops singing to say, “You love it. You hate it. You want to recreate it,” before the loud riffs pick up once more. That few seconds is a heart stopper. You are getting into the song. It has a good build and all of a sudden Michael takes a breath and those words just roll off his tongue. It is about 10 seconds of pure pleasure
5. Blue man Group – I Feel Love – This song flows like an orgasmic experience. It slowly builds to a steady climax. This is one of those aggressive songs. You can’t sit still whilst listening to it. I don’t care if you are not a dancer, this song will make you dance. Your hips will not sit still. Everything about this song is a movement.
6. When Doves Cry – Prince – This whole song is self-explanatory. If you are feeling ugly. If you are having a bad hair day. If you just flat our feel undesired. Listen to this song. It is a guarantee to put some confidence back into your bones. Most notable lyrics, “Touch if you will my stomach, feel how it trembles inside…” (For obvious reasons of course)
7. The Man Who Would be King – The Libertines. – Not the whole song here. We get a slight break in the song before the build when he sings, “ Case we lived my dreams today. And I have lived it Yesterday. And I'll have lived it tomorrow. So don't look at me that way," before the guitar solo breaks in. You might find your eyes getting that intense glare in them when this section comes into play. Love it.
8. Binky The Doormat – REM – This song is, “everything you ever wanted to know about sex but forgot to ask.” I think it speaks for itself
9. Britney Spears – Toxic – I might loose all credibility here. But trust me, whoever wrote and produced this song knew what they were doing. Don’t think about Britney for a second and just listen to the guitar at the beginning and the heart stopping beats all throughout. You might just succumb to what is the best guilty pleasure song ever!
10. I Put a Spell on You – CCR – this is another song to listen to if you are feeling down on yourself. Somehow it just helps take away your worries. It is one of those songs that have the power to build your confidence and bring a smile to your face.
11. Enjoy The Silence – Depeche Mode. – While most of Depeche Mode’s songs are of the sexy variety, this one stands out for me because of personnel reasons. It could be a declaration or just a feeling but whatever it is, I find myself slowing down with every second this song passes.
12. Sad and Lonely – The Secret Machines – I know the title might say otherwise but the sexy part of this song is in the first 30 seconds. There is a build as the drums get louder and louder until they just stop and a voice in the background comes forth singing, “Did you get your heartache and your head rush confused?” I can’t explain this one nor will I try. You just have to listen to it and you will understand.
13. Sway - The Pussycat Dolls - (well many people have done this song but this is the newest version.) - "When we dance you have a way with me. Stay with me, Sway with me." THis song will remind you of being in an theatre, seduced by someone wearing hot lingere. If you are the guy you are the seduced. If you are a girl you are that seducer. It is a fantasy song.

There are many more but this is just a small example of the sexy songs. Listen to such songs when you are depressed, when you are in the mood, when you feel anything less than how sexy you truly are (which you are!), or when you feel like dancing naked in your bedroom when no one is watching. (Oh come on I can’t be the only one that does this!)

Other random thoughts of the day –

New Mexico is pretty much a go. Kelly and Donna have offered up their residence for the six of us feaks going. Fun times to be had by all.

As per Steve’s request I have taken it on as my responsibility to “liven” up the Love n Life forum of murmurs. It is a new mission and it could get interesting.

Accepting yourself for your good qualities is easy. Accepting yourself for your faults is harder, but worth it.

The Never-ending Story is one hell of a movie

George Bush needs to get rid of that face that makes him look like Dopey, one of the seven dwarfs.

John Kerry needs to stop fake tanning. He looks orange

R.E.M’s Around the Sun is a blissful treat

I have almost come up with all 23 birthday wishes. Two weeks to go.

and of course my current faveorite thought, "every time you break a bone, it heals even stronger." :)

Ta Ta for now!

Saturday, October 23, 2004

REM added New Mexico. 809 miles. 12 hours. The last show of North America and my last chance to them before the London shows. It is road trip time.

I am going to request that weekend off from work. I am going to beg and plead and barter days. It is REM. What is more important than that?!

I was hanging out with someone last night where we came up with this idea for a road trip there with a few other people and I tell ya, no idea can sound any better.

It is getting mighty cold outside. You know fall is here when you can see your breath in the air. I am happy fall is here even though for the next few months I will have an extended chill. I love fall. I love how it starts with my birthday and flows into this peaceful serene season that reminds me of everything good in this world. Everyone seems a little happier and friendlier. The air is a little cleaner. *cough* new clothes *cough*.

Friday, October 22, 2004

WHoa nelly! OK sooooo hyperactive that I might just jump out of my skin. So euphoric I am starting to wonder what the hell is in those diet cokes I have been drinking.

No joke, this could be a sickness I kept starting to crack up out of the blue at work today. I was pretty much dancing in my seat and at this point I am typing so fast my fingers might just fall off.

What the hell is going on? I mean I know I am rather hyper and happy but come on people, this is out of control!

Maybe it is just a defense thing to get me through my work day, who knows, but I hope it does not end anytime soon.

I was on my way home from work and I got a call from Jon. Man this must be just that time of the month or something. First Nir, now Jon, and Christie even called who I had not talked to in forever (well she lives in Aruba so we have an excuse).
I answered the phone without looking at caller ID, which I never do, so imagine my shock when I just hear on the other line, "Lucy!!!" Now given my hyper state of being at the moment I literally screamed. (thank God I was in my car). We talked for a while and made plans to go out tomorrow night which should be crazy fun. Wow, it has been so long he has moved into a new bachelor pad with like three other guys since I last talked to him. I actually don't think I have talked to him since he graduated.

Now this past week I have met a lot of new awesome people and made some new awesome friends. That in itself was neato and then all of a sudden a blast from the past and goodness me the man who would be king showed up.

In other news, I fell on my ass at work today. No really, right out of my chair onto my butt. Damn rolling chairs on cement. That makes me two for two.

I am still a little torn about my girlfriend who has recently gone through some tough times. I feel bad that, being that I did not know, I could not be there to help her through it or at least try to make her feel better. What is worse is I cannot tell her I know, I have to wait until she tells me. Sometimes I just don't get why we can't all be happy. Sometimes I don't understand why bad things happen to those i love. But like I said before, it only makes us stronger and it had to happen. I just wish it does not happen to those I love.

Lyndsey is going to try to drive down for my birthday. Thank goodness too I would not have seen her in over a month or so. She will make it as long as she can find someone to drive down with her to share the gas. Here's hoping.

being that this is the second post of the day and I still have all this nervous energy, I just might have to go jump around for a while. The end of the week is here and this past week has had some weird, odd, cool, sad and funny experiences. Not sure what next week will bring or the week after that. I think that is a good thing. :)
Last night I was conversing with a girlfriend about the hilarity of everything and anything we could come up with. Prepare for randomness people this could get ugly.

We first discussed that book ( the one from the sex in the city guy) and about how much I thought it was crap. What followed was a new insight to what this book really was about. Now I know I said most of this book is not true, but we all know that when it comes to people there are always patterns. I did, however, already say that many patterns are always apparent when it comes to two members of the opposite sex. What was funny were the letters written in this book. I admit I did not read all the way thorough but by suggestion I just had to. The letters these women write in are the funny part. A women would actually ask this author that if a guy did not call her did he not like her. Well, duh, but who cares? Date the ones that call, disregard the others. All the letters stated every mixed signal a guy could ever give to a women, and being a fan of strong women and direct signals I found myself laughing, not at the advice, but at the actual letters. This book made women out to be needy desperate losers and while any strong women can be offended I think it was more hilarious than anything.

Now for more important matters, what to do about expensive panties. I have tried my hardest to buy the cheap kind. I went to Fredericks. I tried out those three packs. You know what? I give up. These are items of clothing that I wear most and have the closest contact with my body. Cosabella underwear. French. Comfortable. Perfect. Never mind the fact that you are paying 18 bucks to wear something that can be rolled up into a ball the size of my thumb. I have gone broke wearing these panties but I just can't seem to help it anymore. Why buy the cheapies when they will just sit there, looking all uncomfortable, in your underwear drawer? I figure if I have to splurge this is the way to go. Cosabellas....heaven.

Nir has called me like four times in the past five days. This might be a new record. I have to say nothing has made me happier. Could it be things are changing? I have to wonder if this means our friendship might be heading back on track. This would make me the most cheerful girl on the planet if this were the case. He is going to come to my family gathering for my birthday which is the day after. Maybe this is the start of a new beginning for us.

My life, currently is in one of those places were I am content with the way things are. This is a rather unsettling feeling. When there is something to worry about there is something to keep your kind occupied. I have no worries now. I could be doing better in school but somehow I am not stressing about it. I still miss Rachelle and Lyndsey but I have enough to keep me occupied. So when one has no worries, what do they think about? Well I am talking about bad books and panties, so I venture guess anything that grabs my fancy at the given moment. At the moment I am contemplating many a thing. Who to trust, who to not. Who to keep out of my life and who to keep in. And, most importantly what and who to care about.

I am finding my life can no longer be explained through any book, any quote or even any movie. I know there is a road I am on, many detours have and will arise. Many people come in and out. Some stay. Some go. Some die. But I just continue on this road and am sort of letting everything negative bounce off and turn the other way. When I talked about resonance before, this is what I meant. And while all of this sounds very deep, I guarantee you wearing those cosabellas make that road a whole lot nicer! :)

Now we all know I have this weird jean fetish but I have to argue that next to the panties jeans are most important. I was recently told that every pair of my jeans rides so low, they hit just above my butt. Well yeah this is true but comfort is comfort. When one finds a perfect fitting pair of jeans, the world is a beautiful place. So while, yes my jeans ride rather low at least they fit. Frankie B's everyone. They are heaven

TO talk about something else, so I can appear less like a clothes whore I have to say although I am quite happy, I am also getting a little restless. I get these sudden urges to go run wild and et off some steam. I have been TOO responsible and I need to doing something stupid and irrational or I might just go mad. I was thinking of maybe getting a group together and having a massive orgy. :) OK all kidding aside really am getting restless. Rachel plus restlessness is never a good combination. I could snap. Control. Control. Control. It is all about control.

And now back to work....

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Last night I went with Josh to see Team America. Yes, Amy I know you are jealous because I got to see puppet porn and YOU didn't. :) But let's just say the pornographic scenes performed by these puppets are "slightly" different than our favorite Feebles. (Read: not as anatomically correct).

Porn aside, the movie made me laugh so hard that my cheeks hurt by the time the movie ended. All the better is that, unlike many political satires this movie managed to make fun of all sides of the political spectrum without really offending anyone (I think). Well, if someone was offended personally by this movie they just really have no sense of humor.

Yesterday at work I was given these "energy mints" which I did not know contained the equivalent of one cup of coffee per mint. So of course I had 9, in which I proceeded to crack up at every e-mail, caller, and person that crossed my path for the rest of the workday. Those mints are deadly. No joke, they are like mini speed pills.

In order to not crash I just had to keep taking them so by the time I went to the movie, I was like a tweaked out drug whore. (Ok slight exaggeration I really was slightly loopy though and I might have had some lapses in, ehh, self-control. :)

So all in all it was a fun evening. :) And, Team America...go see it!

I also saw a preview of The Grudge with my girl Sarah Michelle. Well, I had to hide for the most of the preview, which made me wonder how scary the actual movie is going to be. I have to wonder, though, if I would actually see this movie if Sarah was not in it. I probably would being I have my love of getting scared. What is that about anyway? Is it the adrenaline rush? I get so scared like a little baby yet I love it! Which reminds me I got those free tickets to Knott’s Scary Farm! :) I remember the first time I went there, with Dead man's Party playing in the background, I got so scared I lost my voice and even started running a few times. Really, what could be more fun then that!?!
I was sitting on the benches at school, drinking a diet coke (of course) and studying for a test when I overheard two girls talking about this new author who had just been on Oprah. This guy, Greg Behrendt, was a writer on Sex in the City and he wrote a book entitled, "He's Just Not That Into You," which was taken from a very popular line in one of the episodes he had written.
So, always one to be intrigued by what is new in pop culture I joined in on their conversation and they praised and worshiped the ground this new book walked on. It was "revolutionary." It "totally cuts through the crap and gives it to women straight about men."
I am a skeptic when it comes to any book telling a reader how to conduct their live, but this does not mean I am not interested in these books. They fascinate me and while some are quite good, most fall into the piece of crap category.

This new book promises women a new insight to how men REALLY act when they like you. TO cut through it all he basically states that there are no excuses. An excuse is just code for, "he's just not that into you." Did not call you the day he said he would, "he's just not that into you." You know all those excuses for being not available at the moment...he is just not that into you. The conclusion of this book really stated that if a guy does not treat you like gold then he is just not that into you, no matter what "excuses" he might give. I am busy with work. I am in an emotional crisis. My grandma just died. Etc. Etc.

Really people this book is crap. Warning to men out there that this book is now sold out in almost every bookstore EVERYWHERE.

I do admit parts of this book are true. Ya know the parts any girl in their right mind would know. Of course, how a guy treats you depends on how much he is "into you." What pissed me off is this book put every single member of the male species into one tiny ball, rolled it up, and spit it back out to women in the form of a pompous, arrogant, asshole. Every guy is the same, they say. No exceptions. (Well he gives a 9/10 but who wants to compete with those odds)

Yes I do agree the part about a guy not being available basically means you are not the one for him. Or if a guy is a bully, tough cookies he does not love you. BUT COME ON?!?! This book reads like the second coming of The Rules and I thought everyone agreed that that was a joke not to be taken seriously. Not kidding, this book actually states a woman should never call the guy.

Let alone this author has no PhDs, masters or any experience except to state that once he found his wife he treated her golden and the excuses flew out the window.

Somewhere there is some poor girl who likes some poor guy and maybe the guy he too shy to ask her out. (I have a lot of guy friends who I have to practically kick just to talk to the girl they like.)

Somewhere a guy just got dumped because he had a bad day at work and retreated into some alone time.

Another guy is getting dumped because he did not call at 8:29 PM on Wednesday when he said he would.

This book is a big step back in the battle of the sexes. Didn't we come to the conclusion a few years ago that guys were humans as well? Did we not already establish that they have feelings, and mess up, and stumble, and get hurt? So what the hell just happened with this book? Will it be known as a parody in a few years to try to get more sales. God, I hope so.

I went on Amazon and read all the reviews. Here was the funniest thing I had seen yet. Every single guy reviewer gave it one star. Every single one. And why wouldn't they? Imagine a book telling guys about how when 100 % of women do this it means that? It saddened me though that most women were giving it four or five stars. A big kick in the butt, they wrote. Some said it had changed their lives. Oh please. A few smart women on there wrote these god-awful reviews, that I found hilarious, so thank goodness some women out there realize the truth.

This book is garbage people. I don't care what Oprah says or what any bestseller list says. Not a single person is the same. No one can be broken down into classes of behavior on a scale that is a 100% guarantee. Of course there are patterns, but like I said any women of sound mind and body would know them

So don't buy the book. Instead, call that guy and ask him if everything is ok because there might just be a sincere reason why he did not call.

Rant over...

Books to go buy right now instead if you really want to change your life...

Something Wicked This Way Comes - Ray Bradbury. - This is a coming of age story about two young boys who are witness to an evil carnival that comes into their town to take peoples souls away, essentially. But, mostly it is about the good and "wicked" in all of us and how we need to accept our dark side. The imagery that Ray Bradbury is always able to give the reader is astounding. What is more shocking, though, is his ability to use the fantasy world, to show us the reality in which we should be living.

The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho. - The story is short and to the point. It is a fable about a young shepherd boy who is on a journey to find his own destiny. The language is simplistic but rightfully so. It states two very important lessons. When someone really wants something, the universe will conspire to make it happen. Also, to realize ones own destiny is ones only obligation in life.

Meditations - Marcus Aurelius. - There is a reason this guy was so powerful. He was actually a freaking genius. There is not much to say here because the lessons in this book are too numerous. I will, however, put one of my favorite sections in for your viewing pleasure.

Even if you were going to live three thousand years, and even ten
thousand times that, still remember that no man loses any other life
than this which he now lives, nor lives any other than this which he
now loses. The longest and shortest are thus brought to the same. For
the present is the same to all, though that which perishes is not the
same; and so what is lost appears to be a mere moment. For a man cannot
lose either the past or the future: for what a man has not, how can
anyone take this from him? These two things then you must bear in mind:
the one, that all things from eternity are of like forms and come round
in a circle, and it makes no difference whether a man shall see the
same things during a hundred years or two hundred, or a infinite time;
and the second, that he who lives longest and he who will die soonest
lose just the same. For the present is the only thing of which a man
can be deprived , if it is true that this is the only thing which he
has, and that a man cannot lose something he does not already possess.

Stephen King - On Writing. - More for anyone who is or wants to be a writer. But, even if you are not, you can get something out of this. King has a system and it is one that works.

White Noise - Don Dellio. - It was here that we are introduced to the notion that everyone is either a killer or a dyer. The airborne toxic event is coming and the fear of inevitable death is on everyone’s mind. What does this fear of the mortal make us really think and do? Delillo uses binary opposition here wit the notion that we are killers and dyers. We are separated into the strong and the weak. The book is not as bleak as people make it out to be and the message can kick your butt.

Anything by Aristotle - any book is a must read. There is a reason why he was pretty much the only philosopher who led a happy life.

So really take my advice, there are books that can change your life, and many I have not listed here. However, none carry the title of, "How to get a man (or woman)," or my recent hate of "he is just not that into you." Hell throw away that "The Power of Now" crap as well, for they all say the same damn thing.

OK now the rant is really over....until tomorrow. I am high on caffeeine energy mints I did not know were energy mints until I took them. So as I won't be sleeping anytime this century I might just go find another REAL book to open my mind up to a new world of possibilities.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

So Nir's birthday is today. Happy Birthday to my hunka burnin Israeli friend. Haha. SO Nir is one year older, but still the same old Nir. He said he did not feel any different. Are birthday's only big milestones for me?

It is getting into the birthday season actually. Brendan's birthday is next week and he is going over the mid 20s hump as well.

So I was talking to Amy today about this profound thing Ethan said to her, which was actually not supposed to be profound at all. He made a matter of fact comment, as Ethan usually does, when Amy was worried about this new path she has chosen to go back to grad school. Since she had such a horrible experience the last time, rightfully she is a little nervous. Ethan just making causal conversation replies, "Did you know that when you break a bone it grows back stronger"? It may not have meant much, but in a way it meant everything. He did not say it to be profound either; that is the funny part. Bones really do grow back stronger (I should know!). But it made Amy really think anyway.

Everyone we know who has gone through an obstacle has always come through it better and stronger in the end. Actually obstacles are not obstacles at all, I believe, but things that were and are supposed to happen for this very reason. People that sail through life never know a truly good thing when it comes and never really have the strength to make it anyhow. My brother was right and this time Amy will be a lot stronger.

Of course, this does not just go for Amy. I look at my brother now and see someone who has so much more confidence is who he is than even a year ago. He still sometimes falls into those "what the hell am I going to do with my life"? spells, but I guess everyone does.
I always told Ethan that not one of us never really knows what we are doing. I know people from 21 to 35 that don't. I think Ethan finally gets that that is ok.

Then there is me.... would I be who I am today? I doubt it 100%. Do I have it all figured out? Not in the least. My birthday is looming around the corner as well (work on those gifts people!) and I am not all freaked out. Not anymore.

Aside from this, I received some news today that one of my best friends went through one of these "broken bones" two months ago and failed to tell me about it. I could sit here and be very hurt that she did not tell me and I had to hear about it now through someone else but mostly right now I am just concerned. Although I know she is one of the strongest woman I know and she to will come out all the better I understand what it is like to feel like it hurts to breathe and I wish she would have felt that it would have been ok to tell me. I do understand why she didn't though. Some people just don't like to talk.

So happy birthday to Nir. Another year down and you still manage to piss me off. :)

To everyone else, remember that every time you break a bone, it heals even stronger (just ask Amy) :)

Sunday, October 17, 2004

So My new intriguing friend Josh had this survey on his blog ( and being that I just blab on and on and on I decided to fill it out.

1. If you could build a 2nd house where would it be?
We all know that answer is Aruba. It would certainly make my goal to bring all of my friends to Aruba easier. (Four down....)

2. What's your favorite article of clothing?
Can we even have a harder question? I might have to say my Frankie B Jeans and my black leather jacket that I had custum made for me in Italy. For a memory I would have to say these ratty old jeans with holes in the butt I have had for almost ten years. I can't bring myself to throw them away but I can only wear them around the house now.

3. Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex?
eyes. the smile. something unique about them. it is a package thing with me

4. The last CD you bought?
REM's Around the Sun and Elliot Smith's new cd which made me cry.

5. Least favorite place to be?
Well I don't have one. I avoid places I don't want to be in.

6. What is your favorite place for a massage?
We all know how I feel about my tummy. I also love my butt massaged.

7. What is most important, strong in mind or strong in body?
Easiest question to answer. The mind. I can't handle anyone who does not feed their brain with books or just culture in general. Conversations are the easiest way to tell if someone is sexy or not.

8. What time do you wake up in the morning?
about 6:00 Am, even if I go to bed at 3:00. Sleeping in is an 8:00 morning for me. Damn internal clock!

9. What's your favorite kitchen appliance?
the microwave :)
10. What makes you really angry?
people who dont accept people for what they are. hatred. feeling like you have no control over things you want control over.
11. If you could play an instrument, what would it be?
the guitar. I tried once but I have too little of fingers.
12. Car or SUV?
SUV baby!! I miss the old Rach Mobile
13. Do you believe in the afterlife?
yes but I don't believe in hell.
14. Favorite children's book?
why so many hard questions! Well ALL time favorite is A Wrinkle in Time.

15. What is your favorite season?
Fall in any place
16. If you could have one super power what would it be?
That I could kick ass like Buffy! Or that I could be invisable and see how people act in private. The kicking ass thing though especially would have helped me with that damn mugger in France!

17. If you have a tattoo, what is it?
I plead the 5th
18. Can you juggle?
I am a multi tasker...does that count?

19. Who is the one person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to?
my high school photography teacher who changed my life or my pre school boyfriend ( I knew how to pick them back then too!)
20. What's your favorite day?
Sundays - I don't work and I don't have school.
21. What's in the trunk of your car?
Dear God......well....ummmm.......some clothes, some books, a few cds, random papers, a sweatshirt, god knows what else it is a damn SUV trunk!
22. Which do you prefer sushi or hamburger?
well depends on the calories ;) no really it just depends on the day.

23. From the people you will email this to, who's most likely to respond first?
my sister - in- law. She LOVES surveys.

24. Who is the least likely to respond?
so many people who really just like questions. Probably Nir
25. Who did you receive this from?
it was on Josh's blog
26. What is your favorite flower?
Orange Roses and White Casablanca Lilies - receiving them :)

27. What is your favorite meal?
oh I love this one salad at Islands called the mainlander.

28. What is your favorite candle scent?
Vanila or Kai gardinia

29. What is your favorite store in the mall?

Planet Funk. Bebe. Bloomingdales. Do I have to just pick one?

30. If you could be anything, what would you be?

I would be a well respected writer who changes people. When people talk about writers who touch them even if it is Stephen King (who greatly impacted my brother) or Dostoevsky who impacted me...I want to be like that. I also want to help people just be happier. I know what I have gone through and I see people going through things and I feel like if I can reach people on a bigger level and make people feel good about themselves it can have a snowball effect. No one does stupid shit or blows people up when they feel good about themselves.

One day the world will listen to my story and I will impact them. :)
Get ready for a long ramble from yours truly. I MEAN LONGGGGGG (and sorry for the typos )

Rachie Heather has not written in a while (and don't worry that is the only third person sentence I will use)

Highlights and Lowlights really of the past couple of weeks. There really was nothing in between. The days are gone where I feel numb or restless (well THAT kind of restless) and I find myself almost wondering when the last time I had a day where I did absolutely nothing.

I was standing in front of the mirror in my bedroom this morning just staring at myself. Now, this might not have been the best time to do it since I went to bed at four, drunk, (more on this later), but I did anyway. I just stood there and really looked at me for a good solid 20 minutes. I did not realize I have changed so much. Physically, besides the weight thing, I have not changed much. The same eyes, the same nose, and the same red hair define me. However, I somehow now look different anyway. At that moment my hair was disheveled and last nights makeup was smudged but as it is one month before my 23 birthday I still looked like a woman. Anyone can tell me different. They can tell me I am small or I don't fill a DD cup or maybe my face looks too innocent (I do get Ariel a lot) but this morning my disheveled, hung-over, naked self looked 23 years old and no matter how much weight I think I have to loose or how much I hate my muscles sometimes I could finally see that I am a women with a body to be proud of, even if I hate it once in a while...even if it hates me once in a while (those long runs come to mind). Maybe that is what turning 23, or just going form a girl to a woman, is all about, accepting our bodies for what they are. Maybe that is what makes me look in the mirror and see someone new and different and mature and beautiful.
Or this could all just be a hangover...

I am moving in a very inconsistent timeline.

Now back to two weeks prior... We all know I have some "unique" teachers this semester. There is Mark who before I told each and every person I knew I had a crush on him. Well, ok, this is not the case. I have figured out what it is. He is hypnotizing when he speaks. He makes the world he talks about come alive and every word out of his mouth sounds poetic. It was not a crush; it was a spell. It was his brain. I know maybe 5 guys that are smart, so hey when I meet a smart guy maybe I get a little overly excited. :)

Moving on to the psych teacher. AKA the heartless psycho people hating shouldn't be a psych teacher because he himself is psychotic beast from hell teacher.... yeah him. Well I have decided I am going to drop the class. I never did send the letter to him, I thought sending an anonymous letter to my schools psyche department might be pointless. I also know dropping the class looks a little like giving up. BUT, here is the deal. 70% of the class is failing and not because 70% of the class are idiots. I am getting a D and I am a straight A student, that means something is wrong here. The guy is a bigot in the worst way and every time I sit in class I am afraid I am going to shout out something I will regret later on because somehow I always tend to say things I really regret when I am pissed. Self-preservation - not my specialty. So really I am dropping for his protection. He might get hurt and it is for his own safety. I also might still send that letter; it is a pretty damn good letter.

So the new job. You can start breathing again people and start believing the rumors, I am working. Working full time no less, not the four classes a week dance teaching gig you all made fun of me for calling a job. No sirs! This is a real job! Well one where everyone has tattoos, you can wear slippers to work if you please, and music or movies are blaring all day. Nonetheless I am working in the corporate world of Hot Topic, as you all know and the weirdest thing is I like it. The weirder thing is I am doing well. I have pretty much learned the ins and outs of the company and the people on my team. I have also figured out who is who, what is what, and who is doing what with whom. :) No one realizes how much learning the people helps but oh I do. Lets see here, surrounding my desk we have a variety of people all solid entertainment and pleasure. OK first we have Ben. Ben who is of the geeky indie variety. The kind of guy who puts movie figurines on his desk, wears black glasses and newsboy hates, knows all million seasons of the Simpsons by heart and uses sarcasm to deflect from ever having any sort of conversation that would reveal how he REALLY feels about anything. He looks very much like my cousin Shane though so I find whenever I look across at him I really miss New York and want to hand him some new toys.
Next we have James who sits to the left of me. The day I figure out if James is gay or straight will be one cold dark day in hell. Unless I actually ask him which is sort of rude. he is either gay or just very metrosexual. One day he asked me out on a date. But my gay boyfriend asks me out on dates all the time. The guy wears colored contact lenses, Von Dutch Jeans and dresses up more for work than I do on a Friday night. He also drives a Jag which I suspect he loves a little too much as evidenced by the four (out of the six) pictures on his desk that consist of various angles of said car.
There is Lola, who despite always seeming mad at the world, never ceases to amaze me with her kindness and dry sense of humor. She rides into the office on her roller-skates pretending to dread the day, but in reality I think she secretly enjoys life. It is just the "Goth" thing to do I guess, to try to act tough. I don't see her as tough, I see her as sweet.
Alan is the guy who has taken up the role of jokester quite nicely. He IM's me to make me laugh, usually by making fun of me or telling some oddball joke. He is the teaser, which helps lighten the day considerably.
Bre, one of my supervisors is that quintisential girl every girl likes. She is the girl you want to be friends with. Being that most girls are bitches to each other, this is the highest complement a female can give another. Besides the red hair solidarity, she just makes you feel like it is ok to mess up or stumble. She kept telling me stories of how she messed up on the computer systems her first week at work, which really made me feel at ease.
There are many more people there, just like little pieces of worlds I can look into and it makes my day so interesting. I don't know how anyone can think school or work or anything for that matter could be boring when we have all these people around us to give us such wonderful stories without saying a word.

Now for the most exciting news since my last entry.... three guys, three shows, a little band called REM.
This brings us to just before the hung-over morning in front of the mirror. (geez that sounded like bad detective fiction).

I need not explain my relationship too REM anymore, we all know the story, we all know how much I love them. So I will just briefly describe the shows, no background information needed.

Wednesday night was the first night of the tour (if you don't count Vote for Change) and I have to say it just started the ball rolling in the way that brings one of those "Rachel smiles" to my face. Yeah we all know the one I am talking about. That uncontrollable euphoric smile that is saturated in ecstasy. It brought THAT one. I met up with Jenni (bridesmaid Jenni) right before the show and knowing that Josh and Steve, two guys from Murmurs, were going to meet up with me we set out to look for them. However, the cell phone coverage in those hills is shit but I did not want to miss seeing Josh after almost two years and having never met Steve, so I ended up walking around the whole courtyard area screaming at the top of my lungs. Oh poor Jenni, I don't think I have ever hung out with her where she has not hung her head in shame. (It's ok I got Vegas on her hehe)
The screaming ended up working anyways, we found Josh, Steve and their friend Naomi with some other people. Ended up having a great time. Steve was not who I pictured him to be (weird how we picture things based on peoples user names and posts) and I had met Josh a few times so I knew what he looked like (always thought Mark Ruffalo) Naomi is very beautiful and has a slight English accent. She and I just got on great. It is cool meeting people you can actually see yourself being friends and such with. Most of the time, you meet people and they are interesting but you can't really "kick it g-dog style" ;) with them outside of whatever zone you know them from. This goes for a lot of people from work or school especially.
Back to the show - I told myself I would seriously have an orgasm if I ever heard them play Life and How to Live it again live (heard it at the Avalon). Well, they closed the set with it and I seriously think I had some sort of orgasmic experience.
I have said many times that as a dancer I don't just listen to a song with my head I have to listen with everything I have. Their new song, "I'm Gonna DJ" pulses through you and does not let up you almost feel out of breath by the time the song is over. The new songs sound unbelievable live, even better than on the album. Boy in the Well is chilling. Michael's voice sounded so smooth during that set but during Boy in the Well it really shined. Around the Sun had this harmony at the end that gave me goosebumps (it could also have been that I was freezing my ass off though).
After the show Ethan and Amy left while me, Josh, Jenni and Steve hung around outside. SOOOOO JAKE GYLLENHAL walks out and I swear I could see the blue in his eyes from ten feet away. He is shorter than I thought but I don't care about height anyway and oh boy is he yummy. I rarely find any guys I think are cute or hot or have that hunka hunka burnin fire. Whatever.... but oh man when I do see them that heart starts beating and I have to use all sources of my power to not run and jump and give whoever it is a big fat kiss. (However Jake is the only guy besides Johnny Depp, that is famous, that is sexy like that to me so who the hell knows what would happen if I met Johnny).
Anyway...Courtney Love then walked out and she really looked a lot better than she has been looking in the papers. She is a lot taller than I thought as well, although I remember Ethan telling me she had been tall. I don't care what people think, Courtney kicks ass and is so freaking beautiful it kills me.
Ken Stringfellow followed and I stopped him to say hi. I ended up talking to him for a good 20 minutes about God-knows-what, but it must have made some impression on him. He ended up giving Ethan such a hard time that he did not invite me backstage and he would continue to give him a hard time until ken actually gave me two passes for the Irvine show (more on that later). Bottom line, I did something to Ken in those 20 minutes. I have no idea what but its cool.

Thursdays show - well prior to the show I had some drama. Brendan did not get off of work until 6:00 and the show started at 6:30PM. BUT, I figured that if Brendan drove at about 75/80 miles the way up we would make it no problem. All was going according to plan until I got stuck in traffic on the way to Brendan's work. Now we all have our flaws and I am sure most know many of mine. The time issue is a big thing for me. I freaked out and had a panic attack right there on the five freeway because I knew I would be late according to my calculations. All hell broke loose. I called Amy crying and I thought I would miss the show. Well me and Brendan only missed the first five songs but I did pay two girls 20 dollars to let me park at their house and I paid another guy 5 to give us a ride from that house to the venue on his bike. So I could have missed more!
The Santa Barbara show was awesome. They played I wanted to be Wrong and I almost cried. That song is pretty much my favorite on the new album and it sounds astounding live.
After the show, I hung around for a bit with Brendan, Josh and Steve (the new groupies without the sex hehe...well that would be a fun night for me anyway J/K) and then had Brendan drive to LA. According to Brendan (so the source is shady haha) I was talking all kinds of funny. Maybe it was the lack of sleep or the caffeine overdose but I just started rambling on and on about gas stations and weirdness and then I most have passed out. Next thing I know I am driving home from Brendan's house and I just know I am going crazy so I call Brendan back but no answer there. I decide to call Josh to see if he is till up and lo and behold the guy is still driving home. I have him talk to me so I can stay awake and God only knows what I said but I do remember something about shadows turning into people on the freeway, me crashing my moms Mercedes and describing every color in my rooms (those of you that have seen my rooms know that probably took a while). Josh, being a sweetheart though dealt with it and kept me awake and I am happy to say I made it home safe and sound, only to have to get up for work 2 hours later. Oh the joys of trying to be a responsible adult.

I showed up for work looking positively like crap and had to endure a solid eight hours of jokes about "what Rachel did" the night before. Fun stuff.

Saturday's show was in Irvine and we decided to tailgate it early. Steve, being the sweetheart that HE is picked me up from work and we headed down where I proceeded to get drunkidy drunk drunk drunk. There were quite a few of us tailgating which made it fun. Me, Steve, Josh, his date?, Brendan, Serah, Thomas (which was not awkward considering the last time I talked to him he told me all the reasons I sucked but then again the only words exchanged were "hi"), Rick and his friend (also murmurs), and a few stranglers we pulled out of their cars. I talked to the cops for a few too and offered them my brownies but they just were not having it. I also got a free ticket to Knotts scary farm btw (and got another when asked if I could have one so I could bring another hehe). So Rachel drunk. Yeah we all know what that is like. Disclaimer right now if I offended anyone, annoyed anyone, or just plain put my foot in my mouth. I plead temporary insanity.:)

So Nir called while I was drunk and I had not talked to him in a good month. It did not damper my mood or anything but it sure made me miss him with every fiber of my being. Sometimes I wish we could go back to being the friends we used to be. Sometimes I think about how as far as guys go, no one has ever "gotten" me the way Nir did or put me in my place the way Nir can or put up with me the way Nir can. I think that is what made our friendship so good. We were like the perfect couple without any sexual or physical attraction. Now all I need is to find a guy who combines both. I am one difficult woman, this is one tough job. After all that crap, I just want to be friends, even if I can only see him once a month or so. Any of the disagreements we had just don't seem to matter anymore.

Ken, as I said before, being under my spell and all, hooked me up with TWO after show passes. So I gave one to Naomi. She also got to sit with me, which was way cool because she is just an awesome girl. She has a brother in London that she wants to hook me up with who works something in music. That will be cool. I won't know many people out there at first so I am excited to meet all the Brits I can get my hands on.
The show was a really solid set list and it even rained which made it all rock n roll. Earlier in the day I told Brendan how cool it would be if they played The Outsiders and I Wanted to be Wrong. WELL THEY DID!!!! I could have died. I think Irvine's set was my favorite for that reason alone. They also played South central Rain, which was just gorgeous.
So somehow in my drunken state I have a few new numbers in my phone, who they are, not entirely sure. It might be weird calling a number and saying, "Hi I have your number who are you"? haha

After the show we went back stage. Michael was not there, he left early, but everyone else was. Ken made me take an oath and seal it with a kiss (don't worry I made him go for the cheek). The oath basically consisted of me having to promise I will go to every single one of Ken's shows and keep in touch with him via e-mail. We originally had plans to meet up with everyone at a bar but every party has a pooper and that is why we invited EVERYONE, they all went home, except for good ole Steve who was still in the parking lot sobering up. So the five of us went to the Yard House where I proceeded to spill my meal all over me (not because I was drunk mind you I just had a quota to fill).

I believe this brings me back to my hangover. I told you this would be a long rant but it has been a while and quite a lot has happened since I last wrote so deal with it! If you have read this far it means you just really love me. :) You also know I love my new job, have some shiny pretty new friends, miss an old one and am getting all adult in the years department. My birthday is less than a month away people so get cracking on my gift! You know what I love and if you don’t get cracking in finding that one out.

Much love and kisses