Monday, June 28, 2004

Time for the weekly heavy rotation post once again. Funny thing, I have been stuck in a book for a good chunk of this week. However, there has been much heavy rotation in my car whilst driving back anf forth from San Diego and Los Angeles. The horrific traffic that is southern California could only be numbed by the following:

some classics for you....

1. The Beatles - Revolver . I can never name a top Beatles song nor can I name a top Beatles album. But this one is up there.

2. Grant Lee Phillips - Mobilize. Very close to perfection.

3. REM - New Adventures in Hi Fi. Perfect road trip album.

4. Ten Years After - A Space in Time. Underrated. Solid rock.

5. Buffalo Springfield - Retrospective. Just makes sense.

6. Pearl Jam - Ten. Takes me back to my grunge phase in 6th grade. Yeah, I started young.

7. Fleetwood Mac - The Dance. A great live CD.

8. Elliot Smith - Either/OR. I shall miss this impeccable talent.

9. The Verve - Urban Hymes. One of my favorite albums ever!

10. Credence Clearwater - Chronicle 1. Yeah I am in an oldies mood this week.

until next time...

Saturday, June 26, 2004

My cheeks hurt. My cheeks hurt because I have been laughing my ass off for the past 24 hours and I have not been able to stop. They also hurt because pictures have been taken of me for many hours of that and at the moment my face feels like it is going to fall off.

Friday night was the Decemberists show. I don't need to talk about how awesome they were because that is just an obvious statement. What I will say is Colin sounds flawless. Not just flawless, but his voice is exactly like it sounds on the CD. It was perfect. Mixin a great set, a bass drum player dressed as a pirate and a really cool crowd and what came out of it was just....Well you know.

So after the show I met Colin and I gave him and hug while I told him how amazing his voice was. I then proceeded to pinch his cheeks really hard while screaming out, "AND YOU ARE JUST ADORABLE!!!!!!!" followed my a friendly slap and a, "REALLY THE CUTEST THING EVER!!!"
Amy in the mean time is drooling behind me because she is convinced that is in love with him, which she did tell to my brother. She was so nervous, that all she could say was a nervous, "I really like your music, I listen to Los Angeles, I'm Yours on the freeway" followed by giddy laughter. Colin, being so un rock star like started giggling uncontrollably and blushing like a school boy. It was fantastic.

I met a guy named Bart at the show. He stood out because his name was Bart. Seriously besides Simpson I have never heard of anyone named Bart before. We talked for a while and he was cool and I love love love his name. The next morning I am telling this to Shaun when he tells me that his roommate, KC's brother is named Bart and jokingly says that maybe it is the same guy. After describing the guy and KC calling Bart to see where he was he night prior we figured out that it was the same guy! So without telling him that I was there, KC told him to come over. The look on his face was priceless when he walked in!!

Saturday was the Bridal Shower and the only thing more hectic than getting 30 more women in the same room together is getting 30 or more women in the same room together when they include kaplans and habers. The games were fun, especially when my 90 year old great grandmother found a condom I had planted in her purse and held it up, unwrapped it and looked at it for a few minutes before figuring out what it was. The worst was everyone telling me I was next to get married all day. I am 22 years old!!!!! Give me some time man.

Friday, June 25, 2004

I forgot to tell everyone about the Fleetwood Mac concert last week but that will have to wait. I have the Decemberists tonight so I will tell everyone about both of them when I get back.

So aside from getting that job at Hot Topic corporate they were so charmed by me that they might want me to also fulfill the role of being the new reviewer of concerts on their website!!! OK that has to be the coolest thing ever in the whole wide world. I get to write which I love about stuff I love and go to about a million times a year anyway. Only this time I will be getting paid to do it and won't have to pay for the concerts. Now I gather I will have to go to some dogs as well (I can't just review the concerts I like) but that's work.

So I saw this special on Discovery about sexual desire and physical attractiveness . It was purely based on science and no psychology so I was already a skeptic, being that I am so icky toward all this, we are just primate science stuff, but it was sure damn interesting. Here were the highlights:

- Physical attractiveness was largely based on symmetry regardless of weight, race or size of facial features...They just had to be symmetrical, as well as proportional. Meaning certain ratios apart from one another, even distances (both eyes same distance away from the nose, both corners of the lips underneath the same section of the eye etc. )

- a man who was more symmetrical smelled more sexual desirable to a woman (not to say others smelled bad..We are talking pheromone smell) and they think this may be that symmetry in males has to do with testosterone levels

- symmetry in females triggered the male mind to mean more healthy and fertile hence more sexually desirable.

- a woman's body becomes more symmetrical when she is ovulating

now symmetry has nothing to do with "model good looks" although most models do have symmetrical faces. Someone can be 200 pounds and symmetrical, or 90 pounds, big nose, pointy nose, it was all about measurements proportions and distance to these people. So I had to admit I was curious. This couldn't be all bogus right? Now I know everyone has different taste in people but they explained that. Someone who has different taste still picks and chooses based on that taste, and they choose the symmetrical model. The pictures they put on the television screen made sense to me. No matter who the person was (and they put famous and regular people up there) you could tell who was symmetrical.

But can it be all based on science? Wouldn't that make it so that our sexual desires have not evolved much since we were primates?

I am not sure how much of this I believe, believing in more psychological and philosophical views and desire. But some lines do cross. Although maybe part of us are still just monkeys after all. Or as Lyndsey would call us, Bonobos.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Lyndsey called me tonight with a girl problem. No not that kind of girl problem. She was feeling down on her body. For the record Lyndsey has a damn beautiful body. It went so far as to her saying she did not want to visit Jared in Atlanta this weekend because she had been not watching what she was eating enough this month (half joking of course, she is still going).
Earlier today I was complaining about my body to my trainer. Well first I was complaining to the lady at the alterations place because my bridesmaids dress was too big and had to be cut in half to make something of a new dress to me to get into. That and in order for the boob area to not bag she had to add cups. To add salt to the wound, she joked saying, "Too bad they don't make bridesmaids dresses in kids sizes!"
So then I am with my trainer and I got on the scale against his demands (once again) and no I did not loose any weight. 98.6, isn't that supposed to be what my temperature is supposed to be? Sounds dumb I know, and yes I KNOW I have issues but I am short I can be under 100 pounds and not look anorexic. So I pinch my tummy and he roles his eyes and tells me I am being a pain in the ass and is the sister he never knew he never wanted.
I have my body issues too. I just don't tell Lyndsey I did all this. Instead I tell her what hit me like a ton of bricks right then and there.
We all are psychotic!!!!

So I told Lyndsey about hot Dax in my class and how shy he was and how no matter how beautiful he was he was so unsexy because it seemed it just had that "aura." I told her I bet he does not get that many girls. (I should know he is scared as shit when he talks to me and gets all flustered) Or maybe I am just scary. Ok off topic. So anyway, then I told her about how sometimes there are those guys. They have that "THING" about them. They might not look gorgeous but they are damn sexy because they BELIEVE they are sexy. It is the same with women.

So I am saying this to a beautiful girl when I just got bitter that I did not loose weight today and here we are trying to base our sexiness on something that it might say on a scale? Now don't get me wrong, there are days when I feel sexy as hell and most of the time I am confident almost to the point of cocky. BUT, no matter how hard I push my body I must admit to myself I have an issue with it. I look in the mirror and see a small healthy body. But I also can pinch something here and no that bone does not stick out there like it does on THAT famous person. AND, yes I know I am psychotic. This is an issue my Grandmother and my mother both have. They are both skinny by the way.
Now I have lost 4 pounds in the past two months, but it has never been good enough. It always goes up anyway as soon as I gain the muscle back.

I have to wonder if it is all worth the worrying about? What is sexiness anyway?
if this guy in my class who has a flawless face and a flawless body can put of the personna as being so unsexy and yet another guy with (ok he aint bad either) more quirks and messy hair and scars and dirt under the finger nails come across sexy as hell, isn't it the same with women? That means being sexy is all about how much one thinks they are worth the look.
I can tell Lyndsey she is beautiful a thousand times, but she has to believe it. Her boyfriend can tell her she is the most gorgeous creature but she won't believe it either. Not until she changes the way she feels about herself. There have been years and months in the past where she did believe it. She walked a little taller and smiled a little more. She was happy with what her body was. I just wish more women would find their quirks sexy instead of trying to fix them in order to be sexy, myself included.

Maybe then everyone else would look at our so-called imperfections as perfection.

I KNOW I need to practice what I am preaching here...

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

How often do we look around and wonder, "When did it all change?"
My life was completely different last summer and completely different than that the summer prior than that. I have no clue where it changed but somewhere along the line it did. Gradual and sporadic. Change sometimes occurs in a day and sometimes it sneaks up on you over time and one day you wake up and the life around you is a stranger, nothing like the life you once knew.

I woke up one morning a week ago and I was different; it all snuck up on me. I am on the brink of starting a job that actually has to do with my career endeavors. My family is going through major changes. My brother is going through a major test of his strength and for the first time in my life family members are looking to me to be the rock. People are looking to me for answers. I seem confident and strong. I seem to gather knowledge as a drug and if someone does not put in 50% of the effort in a friendship or any relationship I slowly back away. This is the new Rachel I woke up to last week. The stable one in the family. When did this all happen?

My brother is about to get married. Another major change is happening in his life. He will begin life as a husband starting in just six weeks and being just three years older than me I guess I am a little fearful. I guess that means we are adults after all. No more playing around. I am an adult now. No more sitting at the kiddy table. No more happy meals. Although I can still fit into kids clothes.

This new job is a major major change for me. I have had the same job, if you can call it that, since I was sixteen years old. It has always been the same people, the same days and a business that has been more like a family and not much like a business. My new job has hundreds of people, real bosses and real work. Plus the work has to do with things I really want to do with my life. I also will be working 30 hours a week instead of six, which is one of the most major changes of all.

Jenna will probably start trying to get prego soon which will bring a new cousin into the family. I really can't wait. We need a baby going on here. Well at least I do. I can't have one yet so at least I can have a cousin to take care of.

I think change is a good thing. It is scary as hell but it is a necessary part of growing up. I am not grown up yet, but I know I am getting there. Maybe I will still have some backtracks and set backs, but one day next summer I will wake up and my life will be a stranger yet again.

Monday, June 21, 2004

OK my new weekly heavy rotation post. This week is the 10 albums I am listening to that probably hardly anyone else is. Here it goes!! I am no rock journalist (yet) so I have no clue what I am talking about, well neither do they (except for about three of them)
So here is me, having no clue what I am talking about. Yet as Mike McCready and Michael Stipe both say, we need to give the listeners a lot more credit for being smarter about music than we think they are (paraphrasing) Plus I have perfect taste :)

So here it goes!!!

1. Keane - Hopes and Fears.
Three guys from England. Somehow the wee countries are putting out the good stuff right now. There is no guitars, just piano, drums and vocals. Vocals are very passionate a la Fran Healy. In fact if you don't like Travis, don't even go here.

2. Gomez - Bring It On
The first CD from the popular British band. Why are they not popular in America? They are playing Lollapalooza so maybe that will gain them some fans. Gomez sounds raw and funky. They got more talent in this CD then most have in their little finger. In fact this is probably the best debut CD in a longggggg time.

3. Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand
Ok probably the most popular on this list. The four guys from Glasgow which is the biggest budding music city at the moment. Funky beats which take me back to the new wave era. Yes the 80's are coming back, tight pants and all.

4. Snow Patrol - Final Straw
Not Scottish or British. But they are Irish! (although they are Glasgow based) I promise I will have some Americans on this list somewhere. I played a song for my brother and he thought it was derivative. He does not have perfect taste. Some people like Snow Patrol, some don't. I do. It is britpop. Light, melodic, filled with distorted guitars, and lots and lots of heartache.

5. The Secret Machines - Now Here Is Nowhere
OK I hate when people quote rock journalists in everyday conversations and make it their own opinion. I was once at this signing thing with this guy I used to be friends with. We were standing in line and these tools in front of us, complete strangers, were trying to impress each other by having an "intelligent" conversation about music. Me and this guy were practically on the ground laughing because this tool was pretty much quoting Q magazine when talking about why he liked the first Kings Of Leon album best. I should know, I had read the review the prior day. Now that I have made it clear that that is a pet peeve of mine I am going to quote Mark Spitz, one of my favorite music journalists. BUT...I am saying right now, this is what Mark sais. This is my self indulgent wanna-be rock quote. I just have no words to describe The Secret Machines and I thought Mark's words said it best. The Secret Machines are like, "Pink Floyd with Alez Van Halen wailing on the drums"

6. StellaStarr* - Stellastarr*
Funky New York beats. You either love them or you hate them. But no matter how you feel the fact remains, they rock rock rock live. Trying to get tickets to one of their live shows is another story. Maybe if they played the freaking Wiltern instead of the El Rey it might be possible!! Since the new New Wave hype is starting to hit big in Europe and New York, Stellastarr are starting to gain popularity.

7. Safri Duo - Episode II
Two Danish, classically trained percussionists make a drum and bass centric dance album. nuff said

8. Elbow - Cast of Thousands
Very pretty atmospheric rock. Again another import, from England. Man, they are really kicking America's ass right now.

9. The Decemberists - Her Majesty, The Decembrists
Meloy's voice is so unique. It is on key but mean to be gritty and there is just something about it that makes the songs work. That and the fact that the songs are narrative are some of the things about this album that I just love love love.

10. Prince - Musicology
He will never age. A solid album. Although it pains me that we will no longer hear songs like Gett Off and Darling Nicki, this album holds me over just fine.

Monday, June 14, 2004

Another semester completed. My first full time semester since I have been back in school and I have to say I am pretty damn proud of myself for the grades I got. Besides that damn 89% in that one class as a result of my freak out of a day, I got A's.

Ethan is up and down. Half the time he is somewhere in the middle but most of the time he is down. He gets flashes of happiness here and there and the next minute he is plunged into his deep depression again. There are not many people he will talk to right now except for Amy and myself, I just hope I am helping. I am just taking all the knowledge and experience I have been through and I have learned and have been trying to teach him. I wish he could just see that his happiness is always his choice. He keeps mentioning money, and problems with friends and grad school. What he does not realize is inner happiness can happen even if there are a million external "problems." he gets it rationally when I teach him, now he just has to be it.

I hope he gets better. I hope this all gets better. He is all I am thinking about right now and I venture to guess he is all anyone in my family is thinking about. That is a good thing about my family, someone has a problem and everyone jumps in to help. No one has to go through anything by themselves.

Fear eats people up inside. Fear makes peoples reality crash upon them. People form their reality based on what they worry about and fear. If one constantly worries something will happen, chances are it will. So mission number one is to help Ethan get rid of his fears.

Rachelle being home has been great. Even though she is going through her own life stuff right now, she is family and with her home it is like the family (Lyndsey, Rachelle and me) are together again. If I did not have that right now, I might be a lot worse off about this whole Ethan thing. But they are my rocks and I never have to be anything r try to be anything but me around them. Rachelle and I went shopping yesterday and I did spend some money, thus ending my two weeks of sobriety. Oh well, shit happens, back to square one.

I have to start planning the baccalaureate party and working on the bridal shower stuff. I can't believe this wedding is only seven weeks away. I told Rachelle, Lyndsey and Brandon they were going to be my official dates if I could not find a poor soul to be my date before then. I would take one of my guy friends as a date but I ended up going against that. I am going to be stressed enough as it is so just putting them under the friends invite list is fine. Then if I take a date I don't know very well, that would be awkward as all hell. I am going to be a blubbering idiot as it is, running around like crazy and most likely drunk. I better stick to the friends.

Luckily Shaun will have his friends there too so there is going to be a heavy dose of early 20-somethings at this wedding. That should make for a fun evening.

Speaking of Shaun, he met a girl and I think things are going pretty well. I mean they are taking the natural progression which is always a good thing, nice and slow. He is very chill about it, always a good sign. I hope I get to meet her soon.

My new hair is attracting quite a bit of attention. This can be good or bad, the other day a cop recognized me. I really can't hide anymore from anything..haha.

My new summer school class has some interesting people in it. There is an exchange student from Holland and we get along like peas and carrots. His name is matt (but pronounced funky) and he is funny as hell. There is this guy though who always stares at me who is such a metrosexual he could be Ryan Seacrests' little brother. The perfect blond hair and tan skin, and the clothes that make him look like he stepped out of an abercrombie catalog, right down to the leather bracelet accessories. The best part is his name is Dax...perfection! He is a nice guy though, but I just feel like getting him a little dirty or messing up his hair just to see how he will react.

Clover is going to bring good luck soon, I can tell. The horse/lamb looks lucky.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

It does not take much to impress nowadays. Most people can offer up any form of bullshit and people will stare wide eyed at them in amazement. This happens in elementary school when little Bobby lied about his father knowing Mickey Mouse ( ok well I only did that ONCE) and it happens with adults when my mothers boss starts talking to me about things he thinks I know nothing about. ( I am afraid to tell him he is wrong since my mom needs her job.)

People are way too intimidated by anyone with a damn title or a pretty face. People are too intimidated by someone with a confident swagger. I wish my brother would not be so impressed or intimidated by those more confident than he. I wish many people like him were not intimidated.

I picture everyone I meet naked it really brings them down to any level I want them to be at, regardless if I am at first intimidated or not. When people are naked they cannot hide the BS and they can't hide who they really are. It always works.


So I am at the Franz Ferdinand concert...a.k.a awesome concert...a.k.a hot guy heaven. The place was crawling with my type of guy. Everywhere I turned indie rock guys walking with that cute modest confident aura, glided around me and I could do nothing but smile. I even encountered some faux hawks.
So I am standing at the bar with Shaun and Jason and we are playing the people watching game. Who is best dressed, who is gay, who is hot, who is not, etc. Shaun pointed to the back of a guy standing at the other end of the bar and as he turned around I was about to point out that his outfit was on my "best dressed" list when I accidentally pictured him naked. He was too much of my "type" I had to picture him naked. Problem was, he looked too damn good my mind anyway.

So there I am pointing to this "best dressed" guy at the bar to Shaun, blushing like a little school girl and of course he sees me pointing at him with a face as red as a sunburn and a grin like I know something he doesn't. He smiled back at me, probably really confused as to what the hell I was doing. :)

That is when picturing someone naked might not work

Saturday, June 05, 2004

OK I have not written in a very long time...Well a long time for me anyhow. Maybe it is because I have so much to say I am afraid it will all come exploding out of me and I will not know how to control it. It has been one of THOSE weeks. In Kabbalah, and no not the Madonna cultish trendy type stuff, but the real stuff that the mystics teach, it is said the universe was built with 10 dimensions called the Tree of Life. The world as we know it is four of them condensed into our reality, and the rest is an alternate reality, or soul, heaven, spirit etc. etc. How did these condense? Funny how four thousand years ago these Kabbalists came up with a theory similar to the big bang, something like we rejected the light of God in a multiple dimension place where there was pure light (absence of darkness) and a "big bang" occurred and there we have our universe. Why did we reject this?? Because having "light" all the time was like wining a game knowing you will always win, or having all the money in the world that you did not earn. You need an opponent to play the game and we needed darkness. This sounds hokey, inject science and it sounds rather real. In science this is called the superstring theory. Where the remaining six dimensions cracked down to something smaller than an atom.

More science, this is going somewhere I think. A supernova. A star that creates nuclear fusion which causes an unstable core which then collapses upon itself causing an explosion so great it causes a supernova. Or something like that. The Supernova is one of the most beautiful things the universe has to offer, and it has to die upon itself before it gets there.

The Universe has always been this way, sheer beauty, a happy accident. One slight change of psychics and none of this would have happened. The wrong formula and all this cosmic beauty would not be here. But, in that beauty, lies the magic seed that everyone fails to realize made it all possible. Darkness. Whether we put it into spiritual metaphor and say light had to accept darkness for the big bang to happen or go the common sense science route and say that for a star to become a supernova it has to essentially almost die first the fact remains that for the universe to live it has to accept it's dark side.

So what does this mean for us?
We have to accept our dark sides too. Everyone has darkness, and in order to really live and be beautiful, be confident, be comfortable in one's own skin, we have to accept it.

This past week has been about darkness, for me, my family, and my friends. Most of it has been about accepting the darkness we already have inside us.

It all started with a lost makeup bag. The snowball grew from there.
Last week, at the festival, I left my makeup bag in the hotel room, only I did not know this until the following Thursday. Being finals week, I did not pay much attention to grooming for I did not go out at all since the festival and I never wear any makeup to school. Thursday morning, before my last final, I went to grab an eye liner I was going to return that day out of the makeup bag and that is when I noticed it was gone. This was the moment it all went downhill, plunging into darkness. It may not seem like a big deal now, but the chain reaction caused an explosion. An hour later, plagued by the thought that my irresponsibility once again cost me hundreds of dollars, in actuality cost me an A in a class. I missed three questions I knew the answers to and as a result received an 89% in the class. It was only 10:00 AM.
I got home and things were looking up as I got my acceptance letter for London and proceeded to call my grandfather for tell him. What followed was the fight of all fights which ended in me telling my grandfather he acts like a robot and has no emotions. At three, I had training and because I gained a half a pound I was pissy with my trainer for the hour and snapped at him when I left. By five all I wanted to do was sleep. I felt evil and guilty and just wanted to hide.

Friday - Was I supposed to have fun or be sad? It was the anniversary of mat's death yet I was seeing Prince that night. Prince, one of the best live artists of all time and yet Matt made me think a little bit. I was worried about a fucking makeup bag. I was calling my Grandpa a robot. I was loosing interest in love but the lack of desire made me happier. I am not talking about romantic love, rather the desire for the possession of anything or anyone to love at all. It has been two years now. Prince was amazing.

See, I do have a dark side, it lives in me and it is what makes us human. The universe would not exist without this dark side for without it there would not be any competition to grow. It would be like winning the game all the time and knowing it. Thursday is selfishness. Friday is possession. Saturday I saw some dark in others.

I went to the Primus concert with all the boys. It was me, Shaun, my brother and some other friends. There are times when my brother and I were younger when he would act mean to me in front of his friends to try to be "cool", I just never knew he would do it at the age of 25. He acted like such an asshole to me. At the time I did not know what to think of it. I could not be mad because it was so out of the ordinary it did not make any sense. Sometimes when people do things you know that something is just wrong. I knew right then something was wrong with my brother. I just saw it, felt it, read it.

It can be my greatest gift or my greatest curse that I can read people like I can read books, but right then I saw my brothers dark side with perfect clarity. My brother never had shown weakness in his life. While, I had been the free spirit child, he had been the stable one to rely on. I knew though, he always felt insecure about his lack of social skills with people, especially since I had such good social skills, as a result he overcompensated with other skills.

See when people are insecure about people they most often act in the opposite manner. It is a common paradox of relationships. Sit still and friends come to you. Chase an they go away. If one is insecure, they usually act mean to push one away before they can be pushed away. Sometimes people even judge before they can be judged. I am not just talking about my brother, but so many relationships, platonic or otherwise. What darkness did I see on Saturday in others? Judgment. Insecurity. Jealousy.

So by now I was thinking that somewhere it had to get better. Somewhere down the line it had to turn into the "supernova" and I was going to look back at the chaos like they do in the movies and know why I am the way I am and why things happen the way they happen. Well I would, but it would not be the result I would expect and more chaos would blindside me before that would happen.

Sunday - a relatively calm day except I fell in love with Mr. Marriott because he found my makeup bag. I also found out that in no way could I ever learn to parallel park as I almost popped two tires trying to do so.

Monday - Monday I went to the beach with Brandon. We went to the "alternative" beach in Laguna and basically just spent the day laying out. Not much happened during the day except I learned a simple yet valuable lesson...Ask and ye shall receive, long story.

After the beach we met up with my parents, Ethan and Amy at CPK for dinner and things became a little clearer as to why Ethan had been acting the way he had been acting. It was as though a black cloud had parked itself above my brother's head and was intending a long term residence. I recognized the signs right away. I had been down that road before. Somehow, my brother has fallen into the dark black hole of depression.

Call it the social skill trigger. Call it the fright over grad school. Call it whatever. The truth is, one thing can snow ball into a million things and once the depression starts, a word can make it worse. He barely said a word at dinner and in the parking lot Amy took me aside and gave me a look of knowing and of understanding. She had empathy pain in her eyes and asked me if I had any suggestions.

What is there to do? I am the flighty one. My brother is the solid rock. He is the one I turn to and now he is freaking out and turning to me for help and I am afraid to admit that I am afraid I will make things worse if I don't help. Fear is the darkest emotion.

The star starts to collapse because the particles on top are heavier than the core, or something like that. I could feel the weight on my shoulders. I have never seen my brother so sad and the words keep running through my head, "What if there is nothing I can do to help"?

Tuesday - I get a call from Lauren and her friend Paul got hit and run by a car last night. He was thrown 120 feet and they are not sure he is going to wake up. There is massive brain damage and body damage and if he does wake up his mental capacity will be pretty much nil. Shock waves pulse threw my body. I listen while Lauren cries and I have her read me the press release so I can have all the information. This is Paul. Paul is 24 years of age. Tuesday morning I was worried about my job and how much I did not like it. My mind was racing and now I was just numb. I was numb to pain and numb to the feeling of wanting.

Madonna was on Thursday and The Shins was on Friday. Madonna put on a near perfect show. The Shins were awesome and it was good to see my brother smiling. It was a break in the sadness for him, a glimmer of light. That is what music does, makes things fun.

Saturday I hung with the girls and Sunday I went to Franz Ferdinand, yup the fifth concert in a week. It was almost overwhelming. Ethan was depressed again but Franz got him to crack a smile or two. I danced the whole concert amidst my friends and family and the week came to a close.

I went to bed that night exhausted but I could not sleep. I talked of a supernova but it had not happened yet. The big bang that comes after the darkness and despair that makes everything beautiful was nowhere to be seen. Ethan was still depressed, I still saw fighting, and faults were out in the open with everyone I knew, including me.
That was when it all hit me that we HAVE to have our dark sides. We can't exist without them just as the universe could not have been made without light and dark.
If I do not have my moments of selfishness I would not feel the triumph of learning how to be selfless. A pure saint could never know happiness, it would be knowing they were winning the game every time they were playing it.

Little glimmers of light proved to me this week that a big bang is on the horizon. My mother dancing at Madonna. A small smile spreading across my brother's face while he is crawling through the darkest tunnel. Me, having a date night with my mom and not fighting with her. Me, not weighing myself for 5 days. Small steps yes, but signs that maybe something big is coming.

Shaun won me a stuffed animal at Denny's last night after Franz Ferdinand. It is either a Horse or a Donkey. I named it Clover.....for good luck.