Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Lyndsey called me tonight with a girl problem. No not that kind of girl problem. She was feeling down on her body. For the record Lyndsey has a damn beautiful body. It went so far as to her saying she did not want to visit Jared in Atlanta this weekend because she had been not watching what she was eating enough this month (half joking of course, she is still going).
Earlier today I was complaining about my body to my trainer. Well first I was complaining to the lady at the alterations place because my bridesmaids dress was too big and had to be cut in half to make something of a new dress to me to get into. That and in order for the boob area to not bag she had to add cups. To add salt to the wound, she joked saying, "Too bad they don't make bridesmaids dresses in kids sizes!"
So then I am with my trainer and I got on the scale against his demands (once again) and no I did not loose any weight. 98.6, isn't that supposed to be what my temperature is supposed to be? Sounds dumb I know, and yes I KNOW I have issues but I am short I can be under 100 pounds and not look anorexic. So I pinch my tummy and he roles his eyes and tells me I am being a pain in the ass and is the sister he never knew he never wanted.
I have my body issues too. I just don't tell Lyndsey I did all this. Instead I tell her what hit me like a ton of bricks right then and there.
We all are psychotic!!!!

So I told Lyndsey about hot Dax in my class and how shy he was and how no matter how beautiful he was he was so unsexy because it seemed it just had that "aura." I told her I bet he does not get that many girls. (I should know he is scared as shit when he talks to me and gets all flustered) Or maybe I am just scary. Ok off topic. So anyway, then I told her about how sometimes there are those guys. They have that "THING" about them. They might not look gorgeous but they are damn sexy because they BELIEVE they are sexy. It is the same with women.

So I am saying this to a beautiful girl when I just got bitter that I did not loose weight today and here we are trying to base our sexiness on something that it might say on a scale? Now don't get me wrong, there are days when I feel sexy as hell and most of the time I am confident almost to the point of cocky. BUT, no matter how hard I push my body I must admit to myself I have an issue with it. I look in the mirror and see a small healthy body. But I also can pinch something here and no that bone does not stick out there like it does on THAT famous person. AND, yes I know I am psychotic. This is an issue my Grandmother and my mother both have. They are both skinny by the way.
Now I have lost 4 pounds in the past two months, but it has never been good enough. It always goes up anyway as soon as I gain the muscle back.

I have to wonder if it is all worth the worrying about? What is sexiness anyway?
if this guy in my class who has a flawless face and a flawless body can put of the personna as being so unsexy and yet another guy with (ok he aint bad either) more quirks and messy hair and scars and dirt under the finger nails come across sexy as hell, isn't it the same with women? That means being sexy is all about how much one thinks they are worth the look.
I can tell Lyndsey she is beautiful a thousand times, but she has to believe it. Her boyfriend can tell her she is the most gorgeous creature but she won't believe it either. Not until she changes the way she feels about herself. There have been years and months in the past where she did believe it. She walked a little taller and smiled a little more. She was happy with what her body was. I just wish more women would find their quirks sexy instead of trying to fix them in order to be sexy, myself included.

Maybe then everyone else would look at our so-called imperfections as perfection.

I KNOW I need to practice what I am preaching here...

1 comment:

hgh said...

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