Saturday, July 30, 2005

Im bored.....

Last person who...

1. Slept in your bed: Josh

2. Saw you cry: Josh, my mom, my sister

3. Made you cry: a movie

4. You went to the movies with: Josh

5. You went to the mall with: myself

6. One thing you could take back: I don't do take backs

Have you ever,....

1. Said "I Love You" and meant it: yeah once

2. Got in in a fight with your pet?:no...but he does a get a yellin sometimes

3. Been to California: I live here

4. Been to Mexico: Yes...without my parents even knowing

5. Been to China: No

6. Been to Canada: No

7. Been to Europe:yeah I went backpacking. I had tons of fun but I got assaulted

8. Danced naked:oh allllll the time

9. Wish you were the opposite sex: nah I enjoy being a girly girl

Radom Questions......

1. Do you have a crush on someone: does my boyfriend count?

2. What book are you reading now: HP and the half blood prince

3. Worst feeling in the world: Having someone you love die

4. Future KIDS names: for boys I like - Jacob, Micah, Benjamin. For girls I like Isabella Rose, Eleana, Sofia and Hazel.

5. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: when I am not sleeping with something else

6. What's under your bed: not sure I even want to know

7. Favorite sport to watch: Tennis, it is so intense...and baseball for the integrity

8. Location:Fullerton (Orange County) California

9. Piercings/Tattoos: one in each year and my belly button. one tattoo on my ass

10. What are you most scared of: drowning, car crashing, scorpions

11. Where do you want to get married: somewhere overlooking the ocean

12. Who do you really hate: Hitler

13. Do you have a job: yeah I work in a hospital

14. Do you like being around people: Oh yeah!

15. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with? yes....once in high school.

16. Have you ever cried: yes all the time

17. Are you lonely right now: no

18. Song that's stuck in your head a lot: Any Beatles or REM song

Have You Ever....

1. Been in love: Yes

2. Played strip poker: no

3. Gotten beaten up: yes

4. Pulled an all nighter: yeah not always studying either

5. Been on radio/tv: I was on Star Lounge

6. Been in a mosh-pit:yeah and I got trampled and knocked unconscious

7. Do you have any gay/lesbian friends: yes

8. Skinny dipped: in multiple countries!

In the last 24 Hours have you...

1. Cried: no

2. Bought something: food count?

3. Gotten sick: no

4. Sang: yeah

5. Been kissed: yeah

7. Felt stupid: nopes

8. Talked to an ex: nope

9. Missed someone: yeah a couple friends I have not seen in a while

10. Hugged someone: yeah and cuddles. I love it

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

I know I know I have been a shitty poster this past week. Please forgive me....

I had my friends from out of town (out of the country) come in for a visit and my weekend was spent showing them around our little neck of the woods. Monday we went to Disneyland (never go in July if you want to keep your sanity).

Disneyland was tons of fun. They have done it up nicely for the 50th anniversary celebration. I didn't buy much though, most of my money was spent buying the 3 dollar water and the 4 dollar sodas.

I loved spending the weekend with my little "niece" Kaylie. My friends who were visiting (from Aruba) have a two year old daughter who is just the cutest thing in the world. I would be lying if I said I did not get choked up when she would say, "Auntie Rachel come here" AHh precious.

I know I, personally, am not ready for children just yet. I want to be married and have my career well under way. But it is fun to think what my kids would look like and how they will act (perfect of course). I, being the girly girl that I am, starting picking baby names around the age of 14 so I cant say I am not prepared. ;)

I was thinking the other day that before all of that...before I settle down with kids, I want to live in New York, even if it is just for a tiny bit. I know it is not a place to raise kids or anything, but it is a damn good place to live for a while.

The brother and the boyfriend have plans to take over the world....God help us.

I am started an extreme training regimen to train for the mud run....I will have the body I always dreamed of having.

I really want a puppy. A YORKIE!!!!

I promise I will have some philosophical yet funny post later but work is calling...

For now I leave you with a few questions....

If you could save one item from your house on fire what would it be and why?

If you could pick one item that you want right now if money did not matter what would it be?

If you had to pick an animal that acts most like you what would it be and why?

If you were on death row, what would your last meal request be?

If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be and why?

If you had to pick between being satisfied sexually for the rest of you life or spending it with a best friend where no sex was there which would it be?

fill them out in the comments people! :)

Monday, July 18, 2005

Harry Potter!!!

Harry Potter came out. I finished the book already. It was one of the best so far and the answers given as well as the questions to be answered in book Seven are enough to give me that good tingly feeling of anticipation.


Have no fear, for those that have not yet read it I will not give out any spoilers. But I will say you will laugh, cry, and be shocked out of your seat all at once.

I am told the book sold 6.9 million copies in the first 24 hours. That is just nuts. This is a woman who is an inspiration to me not only because of her talent but because of how she even got there. Harry Potter was the first book Rowling ever wrote. How's that for divine luck?!

While Harry is based on the classic mythos of good vs. evil. The villain who fell to the dark side and the "chosen one" who's prophecy is to defeat him/her radiates throughout many of history's finest novels. Yet something about Harry is still very original. It has some "magic" in there I would say.

I miss the world it takes one into already. (Maybe I should not have finished so fast!) I am going to read the entire series before Seven comes out though. If only to transport myself to this magical world where anything is possible and the ability to love is the greatest weapon on earth.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

If you saw me walking down the street...

If you saw me walking down the street, you wouldn't really know me. I would be this stranger to you; Someone you would form an opinion on based on my walk, my talk, my clothes and my hair.

You might see me walking with a slight confident step. I know its a heavy walk, like I command the ground I am walking on. This is probably due to my years of dancing where I was always taught to "own the floor".

My jeans are probably expensive but I am not decked out in head to toe designer. If it is a casual day most likely its jeans, a tank top and flip flops. Designer sunglasses....a must.

By seeing me, this is probably the picture you would paint. A south Orange County girl. Spoiled. Confident. Pretty but not overwhelmingly so. Normal.

This is what I think when I see most people. I have come to find out how untrue that is.

Not many people who read this blog really know much of who I am. I am not talking about what has happened to me or where I have gone. Rather, what made me who I am...

I figure if I am going to tell somebody all that has happened I might as tell everybody who chooses to listen. I am not special. I am not someone who they could make a TV movie out of their life. I am just an ordinary girl who did what she had to do.

My childhood was nothing special. I was born into a big upper middle class family. We lived in Orange County. My parents were dual income so I had a nanny, Cecelia was her name. However, not once do I ever remember my parents ever missing a piano recital or a dance recital. I guess that's better than most can do.

I wasn't an easy child. Countless memories involve myself kicking my brother in the nuts with my steel toed tap shoes on, burning his entire hand with a curling iron, and threatening to tell our entire elementary school that for three months I had to sleep in his room because he had read the Boogeyman by Stephen King and was from then on afraid to sleep alone.

It's funny to look back on life and see these tiny little events completely snowball and create exactly who we are today. I still cause trouble. I still cry when anything bad happens. I still remember people looking at me and telling my parents, "Wow she is going to have the boys lining up when she gets older."

Amazing how one sentence, when seen through hindsight can help us be who we are.

I was a cute kid. I was very short and tiny. I had a round face, big huge green eyes, and brown hair. I was like the Gerber baby. This might be great in theory but from a young age I noticed that that was just not good enough. I was cute. I would become pretty one day. However, what I was not was one of those model type babies.

I grew to be an child among beauties. It seemed (and my memory could have been bias) that none of my friends went through any stage where they felt like strangers to their own bodies. I had some baby fat. Where my friends didn't. They were taller and had tan olive skin and no freckles. I felt out of place among my dancer friends. I wish I could say I hit puberty and it got better. It didn't.

When I was 13 I got very sick all of a sudden. I, being already very tiny for my age, stopped growing. I couldn't eat and what I did eat came right back up. I looked like the walking dead and got very depressed. I hung out with the bad crowd (if that is what they are called in 7th grade). Once I had stopped growing for an long time and they figured I did not have the flu I was run through a series of tests I do not wish upon my enemy. They stuck things where they did not belong. They poked, prodded and stuck me with needles. I had a stomach problem and only hard core very regulated medications could make me better.

The medication was worse than the disease.

It is called prednisone and if you ever see a transplant patient where their face doubles in size and becomes "moon like" then you have seen someone on it. They gave me the highest dose they could, patted me on the head and told me, "many kids don't have any bad side effects." they were wrong.

In two months my blood tests had gone to normal. My stomach healed. Yeah!! Woo hoo!!
Except I felt worse than I had before. I gained 50 pounds of pure water weight (which looks like a puffy baloon). I lost all of my "bad" friends. The boys made fun of me. The one guy I had a crush on, who liked me before, told me he just wanted to be friends. I had to stop competing in my dance competitions. My clothes did not fit. My face looked like every one of my teeth got knocked out. It was twice its size. It was then I learned some values of real friendship. The are mean.

It took almost a year to lose the weight, my entire 8th grade experience was tainted by this steroid that I now considered my worst enemy. I managed to enter high school with my petite body again. Only I was short, and my puberty was late, so I looked about 12 years old. (if you don't believe me I swear I can show pictures I could still get in free at the swap meet).

I had lost all of my friends who thankfully went to a different high school so I was determined to get to the popular girl status by any means necessary. I was sick of not being the best. I tried out for cheerleading and made it. I tried out for the dance team and made it. It would be an understatement to say I was not in awe of these girls I was now surrounded by. Long perfect hair. Perfect outfits. They had flat stomachs and hips. They gossiped about their boyfriends and who was throwing the best party that weekend. I wanted to be them.

I managed to make some friends. Some of them cheerleaders, some from my honors classes, all of them friends with each other before I got there leaving me feeling "outside" of the loop most of the time. I was into dancing pretty hard core, so I did not mind the lack of plans. I always had my dance friends and most weekends were spent going to competitions.

I still wanted to be in with this group of girls. They looked like women. They were popular already and even the junior and senior guys lusted after them. I never had even been kissed. I didn't even know how to flirt or date or anything. However, I was still determined. I kept wondering to myself, when I might start to become the beauty everyone said I would. I was still cute. Not a beauty.

It started to change the following year. I got a car and my license. I was the first one. I began to give the popular girls rides to parties. Deep down I knew they were using me because I was nice and had a car. I didn't care I was able to go to the parties. I was able to laugh when someone in the quad was joking about a guy who got soooo drunk the last weekend. It was starting to fall into place. I was becoming friends with the popular girls.

Junior year a guy transferred into our school who instantly became the most popular guy. He was the "hot" one and he knew it. Somehow we became friends. Best friends. Only I was in love with him (well as "in love" as someone could be at that age) and he looked at me like his little sister. We partied together. I became popular. I had my first kiss. I know now it was because I was willing to use my allowance on vodka for everyone and throw parties at my house when my parents were out of town. My once straight A grades dropped. I could not stand my parents. BUT I was popular. I was even friends with all the beautiful people which made me feel like maybe I was pretty too. Only I wasn't really. I was still in my cute phase, looking about 13 years old. None of the boys looked at me as girlfriend material. I was the cool girl to be friends with. I didn't care.

"Wow one day this girl will have the guys lining up after her."

Yeah, uh huh, when buddy???

I managed to graduate from high school and somehow start to look halfway pretty. I even had a few boys ask me out or hit on me. I still felt ugly.

It was not until I met this guy David that I felt like an adult. A pretty adult no less. People thought I was pretty. David thought I was hot. We went out for months. David was perfect. He was going into medical school. He was tall, dark and handsome, polite and nice. He was also very boring.

Next came Omri. Who would stare into my eyes and tell me I was the most beautiful girl in the world. He would ask my ring size and say, "soon." He told me he was in love with me after two weeks of going out and knew in his heart I was the "one." Being that I was so inexperienced and insecure I bought all of it. I ate it all up. Except Omri used me and dumped me when I was at my most vulnerable. I had just gotten back from backpacking in Europe. I had gotten assaulted and scarred. It happened as soon as I landed and something about the way he said, "It's not you it's me" made me realize that I really was not pretty enough. Or smart enough. Or good enough.

"Wow someday the boys will be lining up for her."

I got over Omri fairly quickly with some help of course. But I made a decision for the first time in my life to focus on me. I read every single self help book they carried at the bookstore. I listened to music to interpret the meaning of life. I studied philosophy to gain wisdom and read every piece of chick literature out there to help me feel optimistic ( no joke I was popping out about 5 chick books a week).
I studied Kabbalah, Jung, Toltec wisdom, scripture, Aristotle, and Marcus Aurelius. I read Ovid and books of alchemy. I read all of Plato (who I don't like at all) and Locke.

I started saying no to my friends (the popular ones) when they wanted to go clubbing. I spent my time exercising, reading and writing in my journal. I made my own plans, said no to every date because really no one was good enough or worth it.

One day I looked in the mirror. I stood there naked and for the first time in my life, loved exactly what I saw. I loved my face, my hair, and my body. Maybe I finally really did become pretty. Maybe I always was. Maybe it was my mind that changed.

I respected myself. I respected my ability to say no, to fight back, to not be with a guy just because he was the one that asked first. I could make a choice and that was perfection to me.

"One day Rachel, the boys will line up for you."

It happened. Then again at that point I didn't care.

What was more important is that I finally believed it. "One day" was here and the "boys" did not matter whether they lined up or not. (thankfully the right ones did hehe)

What mattered most was I got there.

I was beautiful.

Friday, July 08, 2005


Maybe we should not wear white pants and then sit on the curb.

Maybe we should never take shit from anyone.

Maybe the clouds really are shaped like ice cream cones.

Maybe we should never settle for anything.

Maybe goldfish are not the greatest of pets.

Maybe we should get angry sometimes.

Maybe we should not take a big gulp of tea when it is fresh off the stove.

Maybe we should cry when we are sad and laugh when we are happy.

Maybe nothing really is personnel

Maybe Nicholas Sparks books don't have to make us cry after the first chapter.

Maybe we should not be nice but real instead.

Maybe we should take more baths with bubbles and rubber duckies.

Maybe we should demand the world give itself to us.

Maybe we should drink more water.

Maybe we should walk on sand barefoot more.

Maybe we should enjoy what we have more.

Maybe chick movies really do serve a purpose.

Maybe our prayers are answered when we need it most.

Maybe we should take more days off.

Maybe diet coke really does rot our brains.

Maybe we should eat more cookies and less veggies.

Maybe God really does count the tears of women.

Maybe movies can change your life.

Maybe money really is not all it's cracked up to be.

Maybe love does conquer all.

Maybe we should stand up for ourselves to the man.

Maybe we should spend more time in the sun.

Maybe The Beatles are perfection.

Maybe cats do know everything.

Maybe we should not sit on a curb when we are wearing white pants....

Just maybe

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Let's all just be happy for a bit

This morning I stopped at the gas station on my way to work. I put the thingy in the hole and went inside to buy a water. When I got out I then got in my car and drove away. Missing something? Oh yeah!! I drove off with the thingy (have no clue what it's called) still in the hole. I broke the pump and got yelled at. My car is ok.

That was the start of my morning....

My heart goes out to those in London. I know a few people over there but thankfully they are all ok. I sometimes have to change even possible? These people don't want to be reached out to. They want to kill western civilization and I don't think anything we do would change their mind.

I was speaking with my sister about a mutual family member we know who has been bothering us for quite a bit of time. This person on the outside looks like they have everything in life. Everything except humility and perspective. This person is arrogant because they never had to struggle for anything in life. Everything came easily and naturally. There were no big obstacles to overcome and as a result I think they have no clear appreciation for what they do have. We all know this type of person.

What I always see is those that went through harsh times, life struggles, and obstacles end up being the type of person others respect and look up to. They end up strong, self aware and confident yet humble. I always say, "whenever we break a bone it grows back stronger," and somehow I think struggles are God pushing our life in a direction it is supposed to go, rather than where we think it should go.

My Gramps says that obstacles are like the lotto...we have to look at them as winning a million dollars, because that is how valuable they are for shaping our future. He says we have to have faith in the outcome...and the outcome looks golden.

I guess I just wish people could see how great their lives are. And truly truly appreciate what they have. Things can go up in smoke in an instant. Death happens every day.

I guess I am just in a deep thought mode today....

I am happy with my life. I am happy with where I am. I have so many goals and things I want and have to do...but right now I am just happy with who I am. I am not a millionaire (yet...) I am not famous or anything. I am just me and for the time being, that is good enough for me. I know those that love me. I know those that hate me. Some people would die for me and some would not cry a tear over anything. I guess that is the way it should be...

On to lighter things...(thank God)

Batman is one of the coolest movies I have seen in a long time. It was raw and real (well as real as a guy dressed as a bat could be) and it made sense. Christian Bale did an excellent job and I have to say he is one hottie!!

I have found some potential roommates. I am meeting with some all next week. Hopefully I find some people I can get along with....we can only hope.

I want a puppy...:/

More later...happy stuff I swear :)

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

I am missing my teeth!!!!

Well I got those babies taken out. I figured a few things out. I cannot for the life of me handle tooth pain very well.

I have been through broken bones, surgeries and the like...I always bounced back without any problems or complaints. But let me tell you, tooth pain is worse than anything ever! My mouth goes from feeling normal to feeling like someone is trying to pull every single one of my teeth out and then run a knife along my gums....yeah something like that.

It was fine when I went to bed last night but I woke up crying around 1:00 AM with this shooting pain. So I did what any 23 year old girl would do...crawled into bed with my mother while she applied a heating pad and gave me vicadin and tea.

How old am I?

It is amazing how when we get sick, no matter how old we are, we act like children.

so anyways...

my boyfriend was sitting at on my sofa keeping me company while I was in pain when he looked over and noticed my dog masturbating. I have a pug. Sometimes he sits up on his hind legs and starts whacking his wiener with his paw. This is comedy. Since then the boyfriend has made it his mission to imitate Boris perfectly. This means he makes it a point to even snort while he is pretending to whack it with his "paw".

Yeah I know...

I have dreams that I get up from my desk and club my supervisor across the head. Am I alone in this?

more tonight I promise