Sunday, April 25, 2004

I have a fun week ahead of me. I love weeks like that. Special weeks. Special days. Fun stuff fun stuff. Wednesday I have one of Brendan's shows at a sushi place. Tom is coming into town on Wednesday so he is going as well. I have a feeling we will eat sushi until we puke. Good thing, I have been craving it for a while now. Brendan, for the first time ever is going to cover an REM song. THAT will rock.
Friday me, Thomas and his old friend Terra are going to Disneyland. I know I am 22 years old but I have not been to the d-land in years and I am so excited to go. We are going to have such a good time. The only thing missing from the d-land is Captain EO. Bring it back! I miss Captain EO I might have to buy a bootleg DVD of it on eBay.
Ok next best thing is Pirates of the Caribbean which is alive and well.
Friday night, Thomas is coming with the sibling crew to the Forbidden Zone. It is a movie done by Danny Elfman and his brother Richard. It is a midnight movie in Hollywood and I can't wait to see it. Plus, Ethan said that Danny might show up which would be awesome.
Saturday after very little hours of sleep, we are all leaving for Coachella. There are so many bands at Coachella I am excited to see that I am giddy with excitement. Plus it is just going to be a fun weekend all together.
What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do?
I think what happened with Nir and Amy over the past few days was the straw that broke the camel's back. When we all went to see Kill Bill, I went ahead of time to get the tickets. THree of the tickets besides mine to be exact. Now to someone this might not seem like a big deal, but to me that is a shit load of money. Nir had said he would give me the money that night which was fine by me, I needed that money to buy food over the weekend since the mom and dad were going to Santa B. That night Nir only had his credit card so he said he would pay me later. Well that was ok with me as long as I got the money. It was a lot of money. I am really not tight with money. I am always happy to treat friends and stuff. But, almost 30 bucks worth of movie tickets for him, his girlfriend and his brother was not money I had to give at the time. Plus it was not my job to treat everyone to the movie. Especially since I might add Nir has a full time job and still lives at home. So the next day when my mom asked for the money back (oh I might add my mom gave me the money for the tickets) I told her he had not given it to me yet. She then left without giving me grocery money and told me to keep Nir's money for myself. So a week later I still did not have the money. I asked Amy for it and she said she would give it to me Friday since that was her payday. Fine by me. Next I know I am getting messages through Amy via IM that Nir does not appreciate a deadline and is very pissed off. WTF!?!?! It was not like he did not have the money and I did not see what the big deal was. So I get home from he movies Friday and there is a typed letter from Nir saying "I met your deadline." I was fuming. It was not about the money. It was about the principal of the situation. I am not stingy. I am broke. If I am going to spend money on a friend it would be on one friend for a movie or for a present or something. It was like I got used or something and it was not important to him. I should add he also said he did not want to make a "special trip" and would give me the money "whenever he saw me." What an ass. So my mom found the letter and was so pissed off she could not see straight. She went off about how he disrespected her and after all she had done for him to say those things was just wrong. See it is not about the money. It is about how he handled it and what he said. It was the final straw. And with Amy, the only way Nir could have gotten it into his head that I was the one that made the "deadline" for Friday was from her. They have just changed into mean people and Nir is not the person I used to love like a brother. So now my mom does not want him at the wedding much. This is fine I have a limited number of invites to give to friends and this just makes it easier to decide who to invite. Besides my brother had final say as to who I invite anyway. So they called a few times since then and I am not answering my phone. I am really not sure what I have to say. Things have been bad for a while and I hate to give up but how much more could I take? The weird thing is a I am not upset. I am happy right now and I don't think anything can change that. I am sort of indifferent.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

On Sunday I saw The Darkness in concert with Shaun and my ears were ringing for 24 hours following the event. So by that basis alone I would have to say the concert was a success. I somehow manages to sneak my way to the front row and stood next to some groupies (sluty groupies with sluty signs I might add) and recruited a very tall guy to sort of guard me against the very very rowdy crowd. He so very nicely obliged. Justin and friends put on a great show and me and Shaun had a great time. It was a short set but I expected that since they do not have much of a catalog to work with.
I wanted Brendan to go so I tried to scap him a ticket outside before the show. It was insane! These were fifteen dollar tickets and they were being scalped for no less than $130. What is funny is people could actually pay that.

Today I got an A on my comm midterm which brings me to an A in the class. So now I only have a B in my stupid history class. I might just have to learn to live with that. Maybe I will be able to as long as I pull my A's in all my other classes. I need these grades. They will do wonders for my GPA. Damn, I hate my history teacher.

Me and Shaun went to Santa Barbara a while ago and both walked away and bought the Oingo Boingo farewell tour DVD which we watched with Ethan. I guess we were both really impressed. I think this concert might be one of the best concert DVD's I have ever seen. I can't even count how many times I am watching it. I am watching it now. What fun!

Saturday, April 17, 2004

Ok, I may be in the minority here. There are some movies that leave one with a feeling of euphoria. I am not just talking about a silent nod of appreciation or the standard approval rating of five stars. I am talking about a movie that fits into a special category, a euphoria category. It leaves one with an almost orgasmic feeling upon exiting the theater (almost).
I have had many orgasmic movie experiences, last night I had one. I am not kidding. I almost squirmed when Bill got killed. I almost climaxed with the climax. Almost. I can't be alone in this. There has to be people out there who get so involved with a movie it becomes an emotional rollercoaster for them. The best thing in the world is going to the movies with these people. I did not last night. It was my bad movie taste friends. Nir, Amy and Eddie were "disappointed" yet "still liked it enough." Bad taste friends. I will never go to an orgasmic movie with them again. I need to share it.

So I sort of argued with Brendan on Thursday and got mad at him. Ok, I admit I might have overreacted a tiny little bit but my feelings were hurt and I am not known for holding back so....Well he got mad and I have not talked to him since. Oh joy. I hate when I get in ignore fights. I can deal with yell fights that last about ten minutes to an hour and then are over and done with. I hate any other kind. Well I was mad on Thursday, not mad anymore. I would have just liked to hang out with him at Granty Lee. Oh well.

I am mad, however, at Jason. Not mad in a mad way. Just mad at the situation, if that makes any sense. Jason was a stupid crush. I know it was a silly crush. I guess I just don't like games. I would rather have honesty and it seems to be just a rare thing today. I don't have any feelings for Jason anymore, but the games he plays still confuse me because I am not sure where our friendship stands.

I got my pictures back from Tuesdays DVD singing. Well and what do you know, Thomas and I are just the hottest thing since sliced bread. We took and picture in front of the "special" school bus. I got pictures of all the cast members as well. The one of James came out very nice I have to admit. :) Linda also looked dazzling in her picture. Thomas actually took his test today. I have no doubt he did amazing on the test and now he is officially a graduate from college. Lucky him. I still have two years to go.

It is weird when I am in my big house by myself and the only thing that I hear is the dogs bark, or the music play, or my own thoughts. There is no distraction and no one around and frankly it gets kind of scary. I don't even venture upstairs because all the lights are off and this house is way too big for one person. I would ask my friends to spend the night but I would feel like such a baby. I remember in high school it used to be the party place when my parents were gone, and now it is just an empty space. Sometimes it can be fun. I strip down to my panties and blast the stereo and dance around. I snack on chocolate or watch movies with friends. I can skinny dip in the pool or the spa. This house is fun when I am all by myself. There is just one problem....I am all by myself. The novelty has worn off. I am sick of being by myself. I never though I would ever say those words, but they have come out.
This past year has been all pride about being single and selfish. The attitude was never looking, never needing and never wanting. When the right one was supposed to come he would come, that was the attitude. It felt good. I have been single for over a year now but I never cared. I was happy, content with who I was as a person and with me by myself. But there is that word again... "By myself." It is so empty. Has my life become empty because I have refused to want someone?
I have gotten rid of a lot of people this past year because there comes a time in ones life when roads separate. I had to go down a different path. If that meant less of a social life, then so be it. But have I closed myself off from this world now? Maybe I was wrong. Not about riding myself of toxic friendships, but about refusing to want love. Because, quite frankly I just miss a tight hug and a nice kiss. If that makes me needy then oh well.
This house is quiet.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Sometimes five year old kids say funnier things then any adult ever could. I was at work today teaching my five year old class.
"I think we are ready to learn a big girl step." which I really did think we were ready for. Alyssa is a girl in my class who is a little slow due to ADD.
"Miss Rachel, are you awesome"?
Seriously what could one say to that? I almost died laughing. Random. Hilarious. I love her. Of course this is the same little girl that once flat out told me she could, "see your boobies through that top." I love honest kids. I love honest adults. They are few and far between, but I love them.

I love laughing. It is great when a movie can make one laugh, or a TV show, or a friend. I laughed a lot last night. Tom has good comedy in him. He makes me laugh. He has this dry sense of humor that never seems forced or scripted. There is a guy in my history class that tries to be funny. He fails miserably.

I took a drive to my spot the other day. I hadn't visited that place in a while. I could not see the stars for some reason but it still looked very pretty. I was alone but for some reason I started laughing. I mean belly laughing. Machine gun uncontrollable laughing. Imagine if someone had walked up right at that moment. Yes, Rachel would have looked a little psychotic. Rachel Heather is schizophrenic, she forgot to tell herself that.
I have done that among friends though. Sometimes an old funny memory will pop into my head at an unexpected moment, maybe at dinner, or in class, or while my friend is crying to me about her boyfriend dumping her. There is the memory and I can't help but just laugh out loud.
Do people say, "Everything happens for a reason" because everything really does happen for a reason or do they only say it so they don't feel so alone and scared when the bad things happen in this world?
It is almost May. The month that Matt died. The month that a stupid disease called cancer took an innocent 18 year old away from this world two years ago. There were two things I remember most about the months that followed May, well besides chaos. I remember standing there staring at this wooden box. It was not lowered yet but I knew it was just a matter of minutes before they would perform that ritual. That awkward ritual of practically dropping this wooden box into a hole and trying to do it gracefully because it is the "proper" thing to do. I remember grabbing my brothers hand and he took me up there and I went through some sort of motion. I think it went something like shoveling a pile of dirt on wooden box. It was then I realized that I just threw dirt, not on a wooden box, but on someone that used to be Matt, before the cancer confined him to a wooden box. Who started that ritual anyway? Who was it under there? Where was he now? Anywhere?
The second thing I remember was everybody telling Matt's family, Matt's girlfriend, and me that, "Everything happens for a reason." I could not find a reason for the death of an 18 year old. It got me wondering it people only say that to make themselves feel better. Maybe people say that so they don't feel like dying when life throws them a curveball. Maybe people say that to convince themselves that the world is NOT chaos personified. Maybe people are full of shit.
It is almost May, and I still can't find a REASON. All I see is that stupid piece of crap wooden box and wonder if the person inside went somewhere.
Best night ever last night!!!

I went with Thomas to meet all the cast members of Freaks and Geeks! We had so much fun. I got everyone's autographs. Daniel and Lindsey and Sam and even Mr. Rosso were all there. I think James Franco (Daniel) is in love with me and will one day track me down and beg me to marry him. ;) He will have to fight off Wayne and Cillian and Johnny of course, but he will do fine. Ok, in my dreams I know.

When we were in line, there were these guys who kept spouting on and on about their music and movie theories. Problem was, they were quoting every music magazine and rock journalist known to man. It really made our time in line funny. They sounded like robots or the pod people, no opinions of their own. " I Bob and Franz Ferdinand is blah blah blah blah..." I swear they moved all over the board. Back and forth back and forth.

I was expecting to say something funny and original when I met James Franco. What came out was something along the lines of, "Can you please sign your face"? Foot in mouth alert!!
I think Tom managed to say something cool to Linda, nothing foolish. Some wit on that boy I tell ya!

I am having problems with my altered reality paper. I am not blocked at all, I am just torn as to what I believe. And, until I know what I believe, I am not sure how to go about writing it. Its ok though, I have a couple weeks. Funny though, part of my whole paper is that we make our reality based on what we believe. It fits.

I had another version of my sgt. peppers dream last night. We shall call it sgt. peppers part 2. I wonder how many of these I will have in a life time.

T minus two days until Bill gets killed!! Uma kicks ass!!!!!

Monday, April 12, 2004

Ok...If one more pretty boy metrosexual hits on me I am going to freaking scream. No I am not going to scream I am just going to go into hiding...Oh wait I already hide.

No my question is this...Why the hell do the guys I am attracted to run away from me. (once one really did run) My possible theories
1. My boobs are not big enough
2. I never wear dresses
3. I have a smile that is evil looking?
4. My personality is scary?
5. I always say the wrong things

ok I am running out of theories because in truth I am rather nice. I mean I have my bitchy days and I know I can be spoiled, but I think I am just fine. So what is it about me that attracts the shallow pretty boy metros?? I need to know so I can fix that. But, I don't want to change me. Oh I have a problem.

Then there is my type of guy. They never ask me out and usually seem really stand offish with me. I am friends with many of my type. My whole family is from the same stock as my type (not in a gross way), so I get along with them. My type is as follows...hmmm lets see...
1. Intelligent but not in the business man sense
2. Artistic
3. kind of geeky but not in the tape the glasses together kind of sense
4. same taste of music as me
5. likes movies and books
6. someone Ethan and Amy would approve of (for someone reason they are always right)
7. NOT metrosexual - if a guy waxes we have problems
8. not pretty, I like scruffy but cute
9. did I mention intelligent? Has opinions

big plus if they like REM, Beatles,(and all my other favorite bands) and has read books by Palahniuk, Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, Ovid, Dumas, Sedaris (and all my other favorite authors)

I can see them running away now....

I am slightly sunburned, this irritates me. Going to go jump in the swimming pool.

So yesterday it was Haber/Kaplan family day for Ethan and Amy's birthday. It is a wonder I survived. I am now convinced I am going to marry an orphan. If I can't marry one of those I am going to marry someone who is not Jewish. Put that many Jewish women in one room and chaos is the result. Well my mom is psychotic to begin with. My Grandma is cool, she is mostly just a stoner. Amy's mom is also cool, just a little stressed out over the wedding. The great grandmas...well we won't even go there. So I think my mom appeases us and tries too hard because she feels like she no longer understands me and Ethan and as a result is no longer our "mother." In her eyes this means she is no longer loved. We then have to deal with her putting her foot in her mouth all the time. Well no she does not understand us, but that does not mean we think she is dumb, just different.

Then there was the drama with my uncle. He got mad because we did not tell him we already got our tickets and hotel room for Coachella. He said he had told us he was planning to go a while ago so now he feels like we left him out on purpose. greattttt. After the day he had told me about him going to Coachelle with Stu I never talked to him about it afterward so I just assumed he was either a) going with Stu and had already gotten his room or b) decided not to go. So he feels we went behind his back and did not invite him to go with us. So then I told him to get a damn ticket and to bunk with us and he gets all huffy and puffy saying it is too late and he is too old and he does not want to go anymore anyway. Yeah right he loves radiohead, he loves The Cure, He loves the Pixies....So here is the real issue
Ian was raised more like me and Ethan's brother since h's is so young. Now that me and Ethan have Amy and Shaun, and I look at Amy and Shaun as brother and sister, he thinks he is being left out. He has never felt like he belonged to my mom or her generation. But then again since he is still technically our uncle he never fully belonged to us. But I always looked at him as my second brother and I wish he would know that. Also I think he does not mind hanging out with Ethan and Amy since they are 25 and 26..but me and Shaun are 22 and 23 and for a 30 year old he thinks we are still the youngens. I also think maybe Ian is going through Saturn Return right now and just going psychotic like everyone else.

So Ethan and Amy gave me a ride back up to the OC and then we all went out to dinner with my parents. I think when me and Amy get together our energy feeds off each other and makes us even more bitchy. This might scare Ethan. This might also scare my parents. This does not scare me. Get me out of here. No really , just get me out of here.

Lyndsey was in Atlanta, she called me from there. She sounded happy. This does not make me like the situation. But, it does make me feel better knowing she is having a good time over there.

I straight defended my brother to my parents last night. It was not too subtle. In fact, it was blunt and obvious. I compared him to another 25 year old I know. I just sort of said it. It went something like this. "If you guys ever question Ethan's path in life, just think of blank who is 25 and blank blank blank blank." Shock and awe followed. Two points for the team!!!
They just want him to drop this and go back to corporate crap which will, yes, make him a shit load of money but will make him a shit load of unhappiness. I think my mom is just jealous that my brother is following his dream and she didn't. She followed money. Which, gather me and my brother grew up getting everything we wanted. She did it for us, but guess what mom, it is not too late!! Quit your damn job and stop taking your dream issues out on my brother. I know she just wants to work with my grandma anyway. I know she wants to go back to school. So no wonder she is all huffy and puffy with Ethan, he is in school.

I was supposed to go out drinking and partying Sat. night, I opted for dinner and hanging out at Barnes and noble....Does this mean there is something wrong with me? I need to act 22. Oh screw it, I would rather be home...I have gotten rid of most of my friends in the past six months anyhow and the friends I have are all from different groups which usually means different plans on the weekends. So I am stuck either a) staying home and reading my books b)going to dinner with a guy I don't like
c) going to the clubs with the party friends who I am trying to not be friends with anymore or d) hanging out with one of my real friends if they don't already have plans......It is usually A. Although this weekend, well we won't even go there.

mood - happy....Finding the humor in my psychotic family.
music - The decemberists

Saturday, April 10, 2004

Happy Birthday to Ethan Ryan Kaplan!!!!!!
my brother is officially a quarter of a century today. I used to hate his birthday when I was a kid because it meant I was not getting a gift that day. What a horrid child I was.

Sometimes I stare at my face in the mirror for such a long time that it begins to change form. My eyes become larger and slightly off center. My nose seems to be smaller and my lips take on a frown even if I am smiling. Every flaw becomes magnified and no matter how hard I try I can not hide them, nor can I look away....I wonder if anyone else does this.

Some people are scared of me I think. I see it in their eyes. Fear. Maybe a lack of understanding? Fear is more likely. What is there to fear I wonder. The mystics, as well as the root of most religions and most psychologists say that the only two emotions are love and fear. They say the one that wins is the one you feed, like the Indian fable. I try not to feed fear, but it is human to do so. But can fear feed you?

Onto happier haircut today. We (me and Pam my haircutter) went crazy with the experimentation annd I have to say it came out quite nicely. There are layers of color and streaks of color. This adds up to a palate of about five colors.Black on bottom (on about an inch of the bottom layer), my natural red, a mahaganey, another red brown and then neon type asian red streaks. Funny how the happy part of my day is so superficial, hey I will take what I can get. Ok well that is not all true. I sound like a depressed freak. I had a fine day. I started a new book, Cities of the Red Night by William Burroughs. Good so far. It is funny how people use one anothers favorite books or authors to help them sefine who we really are. Everyone asks the question, I do it too. I should try an experiment. Next time I meet a cool person and he/she asks me what my favorite book is, I am going to say Da Vinci Code. Then we shall see what happens there.

Friday, April 09, 2004

I sometimes have this daydream that I am punching my English prof. While I am sitting in the back of class doing nothing, being bored. My writing is too "outside the box"!!!!!!!! Kiss my ass!!!! But that is not good for formal writing. Lesson one, you piss of the teacher at the beginning of the semester, and you life will be hell.

My brother's birthday is this weekend. He is getting damn old. His present came in the mail yesterday and it has since been teasing me. "Steal me Rachel! Steal me Rachel!" He got the damn Firefly and Freaks and Geeks DVD's! ohhhhhh I am jealous.

I was feeling down yesterday and inadequate. Mostly because of the whole teacher incident. I asked Brendan if he ever felt that way, and I got an answer I was not suspecting. He never feels adequate but he does not care. He never feels attractive but he does not think about it. While I like how he does not think about it, I hate the fact that he feels inadequate all the time. There are so many things about Brendan that I admire, so I guess I was just shocked that he said that. He made a comment on how he worked at Starbucks and his band was not successful yet. I should have told him everything I admire about him, but he would have shot back with his sarcasm.

Me and Brandon might go to Madonna. As long as she sings all the old stuff I am cool with that.

Jason is homesick, but doing well in Japan. Over it all the way.

Music - Franz Ferdinand
Mood - melancholy