Saturday, April 17, 2004

Ok, I may be in the minority here. There are some movies that leave one with a feeling of euphoria. I am not just talking about a silent nod of appreciation or the standard approval rating of five stars. I am talking about a movie that fits into a special category, a euphoria category. It leaves one with an almost orgasmic feeling upon exiting the theater (almost).
I have had many orgasmic movie experiences, last night I had one. I am not kidding. I almost squirmed when Bill got killed. I almost climaxed with the climax. Almost. I can't be alone in this. There has to be people out there who get so involved with a movie it becomes an emotional rollercoaster for them. The best thing in the world is going to the movies with these people. I did not last night. It was my bad movie taste friends. Nir, Amy and Eddie were "disappointed" yet "still liked it enough." Bad taste friends. I will never go to an orgasmic movie with them again. I need to share it.

So I sort of argued with Brendan on Thursday and got mad at him. Ok, I admit I might have overreacted a tiny little bit but my feelings were hurt and I am not known for holding back so....Well he got mad and I have not talked to him since. Oh joy. I hate when I get in ignore fights. I can deal with yell fights that last about ten minutes to an hour and then are over and done with. I hate any other kind. Well I was mad on Thursday, not mad anymore. I would have just liked to hang out with him at Granty Lee. Oh well.

I am mad, however, at Jason. Not mad in a mad way. Just mad at the situation, if that makes any sense. Jason was a stupid crush. I know it was a silly crush. I guess I just don't like games. I would rather have honesty and it seems to be just a rare thing today. I don't have any feelings for Jason anymore, but the games he plays still confuse me because I am not sure where our friendship stands.

I got my pictures back from Tuesdays DVD singing. Well and what do you know, Thomas and I are just the hottest thing since sliced bread. We took and picture in front of the "special" school bus. I got pictures of all the cast members as well. The one of James came out very nice I have to admit. :) Linda also looked dazzling in her picture. Thomas actually took his test today. I have no doubt he did amazing on the test and now he is officially a graduate from college. Lucky him. I still have two years to go.

It is weird when I am in my big house by myself and the only thing that I hear is the dogs bark, or the music play, or my own thoughts. There is no distraction and no one around and frankly it gets kind of scary. I don't even venture upstairs because all the lights are off and this house is way too big for one person. I would ask my friends to spend the night but I would feel like such a baby. I remember in high school it used to be the party place when my parents were gone, and now it is just an empty space. Sometimes it can be fun. I strip down to my panties and blast the stereo and dance around. I snack on chocolate or watch movies with friends. I can skinny dip in the pool or the spa. This house is fun when I am all by myself. There is just one problem....I am all by myself. The novelty has worn off. I am sick of being by myself. I never though I would ever say those words, but they have come out.
This past year has been all pride about being single and selfish. The attitude was never looking, never needing and never wanting. When the right one was supposed to come he would come, that was the attitude. It felt good. I have been single for over a year now but I never cared. I was happy, content with who I was as a person and with me by myself. But there is that word again... "By myself." It is so empty. Has my life become empty because I have refused to want someone?
I have gotten rid of a lot of people this past year because there comes a time in ones life when roads separate. I had to go down a different path. If that meant less of a social life, then so be it. But have I closed myself off from this world now? Maybe I was wrong. Not about riding myself of toxic friendships, but about refusing to want love. Because, quite frankly I just miss a tight hug and a nice kiss. If that makes me needy then oh well.
This house is quiet.

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