Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Do people say, "Everything happens for a reason" because everything really does happen for a reason or do they only say it so they don't feel so alone and scared when the bad things happen in this world?
It is almost May. The month that Matt died. The month that a stupid disease called cancer took an innocent 18 year old away from this world two years ago. There were two things I remember most about the months that followed May, well besides chaos. I remember standing there staring at this wooden box. It was not lowered yet but I knew it was just a matter of minutes before they would perform that ritual. That awkward ritual of practically dropping this wooden box into a hole and trying to do it gracefully because it is the "proper" thing to do. I remember grabbing my brothers hand and he took me up there and I went through some sort of motion. I think it went something like shoveling a pile of dirt on wooden box. It was then I realized that I just threw dirt, not on a wooden box, but on someone that used to be Matt, before the cancer confined him to a wooden box. Who started that ritual anyway? Who was it under there? Where was he now? Anywhere?
The second thing I remember was everybody telling Matt's family, Matt's girlfriend, and me that, "Everything happens for a reason." I could not find a reason for the death of an 18 year old. It got me wondering it people only say that to make themselves feel better. Maybe people say that so they don't feel like dying when life throws them a curveball. Maybe people say that to convince themselves that the world is NOT chaos personified. Maybe people are full of shit.
It is almost May, and I still can't find a REASON. All I see is that stupid piece of crap wooden box and wonder if the person inside went somewhere.

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