Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Without a plan, passion goes nowhere.

In light of recent events and various discussions on my boyfriends recent birthday milestone, I have come to wonder what distinguishes my generation, the oddly named Generation Y, from the other generations of kids and adults that pop culture has clumped together in order to make sense of some things we just might not be able to make sense of.
Josh wrote in his blog at, that his generation, Generation X was clumped together by the fact that they were all products of the “baby boomers” and, unlike their parents before them, went out on their own, doing everything from family, marriage, and careers differently. They started their own businesses, many times before they even finished their General Education requirements. Generation X’ers did not follow the guidelines of going to college, getting a job with enough money to support a future family, getting married and having 2.5 children. They did it their own way.
So where does that leave my generation? Specifically where does that leave the women of my generation? While X’er women were hell bent on becoming top profile career women, the women of my generation seem to, and there are always exceptions, want to settle down early, have kids early, and only have jobs that would allot enough time to raise those kids by themselves. Even if you just take a look at the young women celebrities of my generation you can see the pattern. Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears were both married by the ages of 23. Christina Aguilera is engaged. Brandy is already a mother (and already divorced). It would seem we are making our own new generation modeled after the simplistic ideals of the 1950s. Now, does this mean we are regressing or just progressing in a different way?
What else makes my generation so different? Well that remains to be seen. I do know that we seem to hover between the wanting to grow up and start a family and the fear of growing up which results in taking a slow ride through college whilst still living at home for fear of being totally on our own, financially and otherwise.
All these ideas combined with the fact that, being in between jobs, I have a lot of time to think about things, makes me really contemplate my future and what it is exactly I want. It is a given that I want the children and the cute house I can call my own, but what is it I want when it comes to my future career? People start thinking about, “what they want to be when they grow up” starting when they are tiny little tots. I know I did. In the span of my lifetime I have wanted to be: a dancer, an actress, a model, a magician, an astronaut, a teacher, a writer, photographer, journalist, lawyer (yeah I know tough to imagine), and a makeup artist. What has come out of this you might ask? Well, I went to acting camp, I love posing for pictures, I danced competitively for 18 years, I taught dance for 6 years, I know a few magic tricks, I am pretty good at arguing, I take some awesome pictures, I know my way around a dark room, I love writing and sometimes can be good at it, I know some things about the stars, and do all my friends makeup pretty well. What has not come out of this….well anything really; except for at 23 I can consider myself a “Jane of all trades.”
At the moment I am left with a shitload of questions about what it is I really want to do with my future. Like so many Y’ers it is true I want the hubby with the house and the kids. But my passions also follow other directions. I want a career I genuinely love. I want to make money so I don’t have to totally rely on a husband or my family. The problem is I am at the age where I have to make a decision. I can’t decide I want to do something, learn all I can about it, and give it up in a few years because I no longer have that interest. I need to pick a focus and stay there and what I fear is I pick the wrong one. I am in college right now, taking my sweet time like many kids my age. My major is now English/Communications and my focus is on journalism. As of now, I would love to be a writer for a magazine and work on writing books on the side. However, there is always that fear of whether or not I am good enough to be a successful writer or if I should just knock it out as another one of my “hobbies” and choose something I know I would be good at all the while making some sort of income. I thought about being a teacher and could always work on my writing on the side that way. But am I just being safe with that decision? What I need is structure. What I need is a plan. However, I have always been the Queen of the no planning group and find it hard to come up with any sort of structure.
I had written before about not knowing what my talent is. Well truth be told, I know I do have talent in many things. My problem is my one lack of talent lies in my ability to find a career type job, get the proper training and education to get it, and just get it. Maybe my problem is I have a hard time picturing myself as a true financially responsible adult. I know I can get there I just don’t have a plan yet. All I know is right now is when I have to decide what the hell it is I am going to do for the rest of my life. I know what I love. I know what my passions are. I know what I am good at. I just need to figure out what that adds up to, what “career” that translates to. Seriously…I don’t know where I am going, but I know I’m going somewhere.

Monday, February 14, 2005

I love the holidays. I don’t care how commercial they have become or how cheesy we make them out to be. Holidays are like natural serotonin reuptake inhibitors. People just feel good. So in honor of today’s holiday, which is one of my favorites, I must play tribute.

Valentine’s Day is, to some, a day when even though you know you love your partner 365 days a year, you get to celebrate it for one day like LOVE is it’s own holiday. Christians love Jesus all year but regard Christmas to celebrate his birth. Jew’s love the Torah all year, but celebrate that Torah on one holiday. Simchat Torah. So why do people choose to boycott this holiday when all it is is a good excuse to celebrate the one emotion we could never live without? There are two basic emotions that all other emotions stem from, fear and love. Would you even believe hate stems from love? So today we celebrate that one emotion that is so essential to all of us. No one should be depressed on Valentine’s Day. I know many people think it is depressing if they are single or without a committed significant other. Well this is bullshit. Everyone has somebody that loves him or her. There is always someone who wakes up in the morning and is happy that you were born, that you are in his or her lives, and that you exist exactly as you are. That is the beauty of love; no one is deprived of it.
When I was single, I woke up every Valentine’s Day morning to a new stuffed animal and a token (usually jewelry) from my parents. I know my parents always love me, but today they get to celebrate that special love only a parent can have for their child. That is a Valentine in of itself.
In regards to those “attached” people celebrating the holiday today. I know us women love pretty gifts, fresh flowers, and sparkling jewelry. However, these tokens of affection say more than what people think it really means. Anything from a beautiful diamond necklace to a simple bracelet; from a single flower that you got out of your garden to a vast array of roses say one thing….love. It says, “I Love You” by a symbol. It never really matters what that symbol is. Most of the time women just love that symbol has a simple reminder of her loved one. I have a bear that will always remind me of my parents love. It is the symbol that matters. When Wendy gave Peter Pan a thimble as a “kiss” that thimble would forever more remind her of the love Wendy felt for Peter Pan. It would always remind him of their “kiss.”
So I encourage everyone on this Valentine’s Day to let EVERYONE you love know you love them by just some simple token of affection. Send a stupid bear, a nicely written letter they can save, or some chocolate you know they like. Give them a hug to remember or their favorite flower. Tell them that you not only love them but also love them in your life. Tell them why you love them. Today is about giving and if we all give we all get.
For today I just wanted to let all of my friends, family, and loved ones know how much I love them. I am who I am today because each and every one of you has taught me something unique and special.

Sap session over…

Sunday, February 06, 2005

What is my talent? That is the question at hand.

So I can write, but I am nowhere near the ability it takes to be a paid well-respected writer. I can dance. However, I have been untrained for so long, there are countless dancers better than me now. I have a commercial face. But, I am too short to do any type of modeling. I can run a few miles. But, I am too slow and can't run far enough for the marathon. So what is my talent?

I had auditions today to be a dancer for Disneyland. It started with 1,000 girls at 7:30 this morning and by 7:00 at night we were down to just one hundred. I, of course, was one of the last few to get cut, for reasons unknown except for I just was not big enough. But here is the thing. Everyone loved me. I can’t even count the number of, “isn’t she so cute,” “I love your face” and “I love your personality” type comments I got today. These were not just from the choreographers but from the other dancers as well. By the end of the day everyone knew my name and who I was (out of those left from the various cuts we went thorough). So is that my talent then? Is my one weapon for making it in this world the ability to stand out in a crowd? If so, where the hell will that get me? Everyone, I believe, has something about them that they excel in above all other things. Everyone is exceptional at something. My sister-in-law is exceptional at animation. Ethan is pure genius at web development and anything to do with computers. My boyfriend has an uncanny ability to bring a very unique and witty voice to anything he writes. My father is one of the best at what he does. My grandfather is a genius when it comes to business. Ian can sell ice to an Eskimo. Even my mother is exceptional at what she does. Well what can I do? I know philosophy, but I am not philosopher. I am a very good dancer, not enough to make money at it. My writing needs work but I got something going there. Really, I am beginning to wonder if my “talent” is relating to people. I am beginning to think that is my extraordinary gift. I can read others. I can get along with anyone. I stand out in a crowd. People remember who I am. I can listen but I sure as hell can talk for hours. Am I what they call a “people person”? Is there a job that goes with that? Someone just fill me in on what it is I can do, because I am at a loss.

I am no longer depressed about the job situation though. At least I know I can a) get work somehow, even if it is just an atmosphere character and b) work at the many restaurants that seem to be hiring. That is a start. And, where there is a start there sure as hell is an end. This end, I have no clue where or what it will be. Somehow though, someone will see that maybe they need someone who people remember and when that happens, it will be my turn in the spotlight.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Jobs, Birthdays, shows....such is life

Last night I went to see Brendan’s show at the Derby. He was, as always, in top form. Check out his bands website at You should all go see his band because one day when they are super famous you can say you saw them way back when.

I started school yesterday, which I was actually quite happy about. This semester I have to read a million books but the books I have to read I really am looking forward to reading.

I have auditions this weekend to be a “cast member” at Disneyland. I think I would be good for the job, being all tiny and cute and smiley. If I don’t make it there, I have a few restaurants I am applying for. All I know is I am sick of not working, of not taking care of myself, and feeling like I am worth nil. This few weeks of unemployment have been more than enough. Let’s just hope I make it.

This month is going to be busy regardless. We have a few shows coming up, such as the Zutons and Cary Brothers. Valentine’s Day is looming around the corner, as is Josh’s birthday. Josh is having a party that weekend but I planned something really cool for the day of his birthday.

I am also planning a visit to Minneapolis soon to see Rachelle for a long weekend. This should be loads of fun because I really miss her, and because I have never been to Minneapolis (not exactly a vacation place.) I just have to wait and see about the job situation before I pick a weekend.

More on it all later. For now I leave you with some words of wisdom…

"The happy person is the one who finds occasions for joy at every step. He does not have to look for them, he just finds them."
-- Ossian Lang