Friday, May 14, 2004

You know I have given up hope on the possibility that I know anything or can predict anything. I really can't say anything follows a right pattern anymore. Which makes no sense because I was under the belief that everything has meaning...Everything is a reason.
Now I am not moving toward becoming a nihilist but maybe existentialism is the right way of going about things. You know people thought Nietzsche was a big pessimist who was just grumpy all the time. In actuality he was a pretty cheerful fellow...Odd but cheerful. Maybe he was right all along. We are not what we say. We are not what we think. The thing that makes us who we are is what we do. Our actions define us. If we own up to our actions and take responsibility for them then that is all that counts. We are authentic. I can be what I want to be as long as I take responsibility of my actions. We can't trust what people say but we can trust what they do. That is what has meaning. The only meaning there is is the meaning we create through our actions.
I know this is extreme but in The Stranger he was never really sad...Never happy either but he just took things for what they were. No deeper meanings. No hidden signals. All life was based on the actions. I am starting to think this is the right way to look at things. And, in actuality I don't think it is a pessimistic view at all. If someone says they love you but their actions say otherwise, they don't really love you. If someone says they are honest and lie, then they are still a liar. My life and who I am is created by my actions only, that is the only meaning that matters.

Brandon has become so important to me it is hard to imagine my life without him. I think it was fate that brought him to me. Seriously he is the best boyfriend besides the fact that he is gay. He even told me he would sleep with me if I was straight hahahaha (he ever wrote that in my friendster profile!)
It is weird how people come into our lives in the weirdest ways. Just a slight change in the universe and they could never have entered our range of vision and then there it is, they show up. It sometimes feels impossible to really connect with people. We meet people and they come and go and pass through our lives and usually no real connection is made. Some people use you for power, others you use for power, some are a crutch and some are just there to pass the time. Then some people come along and you feel like they get you, they understand you. They don't think you are an icy cold heartless person and they see through all false personas. They see the real you, good and bad, and love you for it. Brandon sees me and thinks I am perfect. I think Brandon is a light.
There are other people in my life that I feel see me in all actuality. It is rare nowadays when most relationships are built on the need for power. In fact, if I was to stick with this existential view on life then I would have to say all relationships are based on the nneed for power. I think I am just grateful to have people in my life that I love or can love. I am grateful that the people I look up to are wonderful people. I have a few toxic relationships I need to work out but for the most part I think I am doing ok.

In the other type of relationship front, I have now been single for a year and five months. I don't think I can close my eyes and remember what it feels like to lay there and cuddle with a man. I don't remember what it is like to feel loved like that mostly because I have made it impossible to do so. I don't remember what it is like to kiss someone I care about (drunken Vegas and New years does not count) Here is the weird thing, I don't mind. I know I have been so closed off the past year but I think that is ok. If my actions are acting single, by law I am going to remain single and that is ok. I don't want anyone who can't see me the way I am. I don't want anyone who can't be ok with my flaws. I don't want anyone who does not take the time to try to connect with me. I don't want to be with someone who is metrosexual!!! When the person that comes along that gets me the way my family does and the way some of my friends do then I will be ready for a relationship. For now I am happy being me.

OK so on a lighter but slightly more painful note, I sunbathed topless and that was one huge mistake. The, eh, parts of me that don't see the sun that often are quite burnt and it hurts like all hell. I also have a huge cut on the end of my nose which makes me look like a slightly cuter version of Rudolph. Add that to the redness that is me I would say I look like a big ole mess. Maybe it is a good thing that I could not go to Brendan's show tonight, I might have gotten some weird looks. Nah just kidding I am actually sad I could not go to Brendan's show and Brandon was so sad he could not go because he has been looking forward to meeting Brendan. Well next time.

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