I have now figured out why I try not to let myself care about anyone. Even the nice ones act mean to me. I know I can be difficult but I also know I am a good person, so until I figure things out, the wall has to go up.
It is easier to be in a shell. Over the last year or so my life has been virtually pain free inside my shell, it is time I go back in. Hard as a rock.
I feel better already
These last few days have been an odd few days for me. I have to wonder if we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again until it eventually fades away and we become different people. The thing is I thought I had become a different person. More responsible, less flighty. So how in the name of all things holy did I get myself into debt again?!?!
I thought I knew what I was doing and I don't. And, I have to wonder if I just have to give up all hope and just be the person who is bad with money. Do I have to be the impulsive girl who burns holes in her pockets forever?
What is a more pressing question is, does this make me a bad person? There have been people who have not liked me in the past because they see how I spend my money. This makes me torn. I vowed to never change for anybody, but are they right?
I just wish I could be that girl that never messes up with she balances her checkbook. The one that can walk by a Tower Records and not spend my whole paycheck.
Odd thing number two -
Nir called my mother. I was not answering his calls so he called my mother. I have no doubt my mom gave him a piece of her mind since she felt disrespect but somehow I get a call telling me to answer the phone when Nir calls. So Nir calls me and begins to tell me HIS side of the story. He did apologize for the letter saying it was just the heat of the moment and he was pissed. OK that I can understand. We all say and do stupid crap when we are mad...I know I do.
he also said that from his side it had looked like I was going behind his back asking his broke girlfriend for the money and he felt like I...Well I don't exactly know. Tears got shed of course, being that I get all sentimental.
he told me if he had known I was broke he would have given me the money pronto but I never said anything. Well ok I never said it was urgent but I hate asking for money back. I like giving it away not taking it. He also said even if he had not owed me the money, if he had known I needed it it would give it to me in a heartbeat.
Bottom line is I guess we are ok again.
I did tell him how much I felt shortchanged and I felt like he was missing so many things in my life. I am not really sure what to think. It might take a while but I hope our friendship goes back to what it was. He is like a brother to me and I know he loves me. I guess it will all be ok. I hope it will be ok, being as other stuff in my life is not ok.
Onto happier news, I think my grades have gone up. Maybe not all A's this semester but I can deal with that being as I hate my history class. I might get three A's, which is a great great thing.