Sunday, May 09, 2004

The world would be so much easier if we could distinguish the good from the bad. In the movies and TV shows we always know the good guy from the bad guy, I wish the real world were that easy. I think we all have a little darkness in us. No one is a saint and not many people are pure sinners. Everyone gets mean. Buffy was truthful in this manner. Anya, Willow and even Buffy have had their bouts with evil. Angel turned evil for a little bit too. So where do we draw the line? Does love draw the line? We accept the darkness of those we love.
I went out with Maytal tonight and she was telling me how Anna turned all evil in Vegas. Maytal is too trusting, I could have told her Anna had a dark side. But then I got to thinking...
Somewhere in this world there is someone who thinks a bad day of mine was me being evil. Somewhere in this world there is someone who thinks I am an innocent little lamb.

I used to be a very trusting person. I also used to be spineless. Back in high school I tried so hard to fit in that I compromised my self worth to do so. I have changed completely since then but I don't think I fit in anywhere now. I have my friends who love me dearly but sometimes I just feel like I don't have a circle to fit in. I have a hard time trusting people these days. I want to and I have succeeded with a few people and of course my family. I just look back and wonder, when did I become so hard? And does hard mean unloveable?

I can read people very well and I see patterns in human behavior that I am rarely wrong with. Call it intuition or call it a good memory but people behave in patterns. Overly nice to overly mean. The reason is always the same. Gossip...The reason is always the same. People acting out of character...The reason is always the same. I just hate when I can read the reason and get no honest answers. It hurts.
Love and friendship...Now there is something I have yet to pin down. Friends stick by you through the shitty times of your live. Sometimes love dies. Sometimes people die.

I drove home from LA tonight in a melancholy state. I had a great time but Maytal leaves the country next week for four months and I am not sure what I am supposed to do without her. So driving home I was thinking that maybe it all has to do with the fact that this is May and it makrs the end of things and the beginning of new things. Turning points. People die. People leave. People get mean.
Then I looked up at the moon and it was the most gorgeous moon I have ever seen. It illuminated the partial clouds around it with an orange glow and the massive size of this three quarter moon took my breath away. I am not sure if I have seen a moon look this big.
This moon made me stop and take it all back. Yes people do die, but there are many people still alive to love. People do leave and people do get mean, but if we just let go and focus on now, on what we have now then maybe everything will work out.
Death is inevitable and quite often people are taken from us when they should not have been. People leave that is inevitable too. We can shut down and become hard, or we can just let go. The latter is harder to do but it keeps us alive.

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