Sunday, May 16, 2004

Jason told me that if he did not move to Japan he would want to be with me. Rotten timing. He also told me when he first met me I was intimidating. Wonderful. I am not sure what to believe anymore. He also said he would never be with me now because " I had my chance before."
I really hate how people think I don't have feelings. Well I do and they can get hurt. They do hurt more then anyone knows. I feel things. I feel things very deeply. Because of the way my brain is, probably more deeply than most people. Yet, people regard me as someone that can never get hurt.
It is like when Thomas told me, "I on the other hand wear my heart on my sleeve." The other hand meaning unlike you I guess. Funny thing is my heart is always on my sleeve and all it does is get ripped apart by people who think it is not there.
I have a funny feeling anyway that Thomas is getting really sick and tired of me. It makes me sad because I felt like I found someone I was actually comfortable talking to, and he just keeps slipping away. I thought we were friends. For a while I did not know what to think but he made that clear by rejecting me. Then I thought we were friends and yet I always feel like he is talking to me out of some sort of obligation. In a way he is talking to me just like Omri did right before we broke up, forever annoyed.
I don't give enough credit to how much Omri screwed me up. I have lied to myself and I have lied to everyone about what happened. Maybe if I write it all down it will help. Talk about how he manipulated me into doing things. Like he would break up with me if I did not do certain things. Maybe talk about how he reduced me into a poor pathetic pulp of what I used to be. maybe I can talk about how that mugging in France left me broken and he did not care. I felt so vulnerable after him that I became hard. I did not want to care about anyone. But, I can lie to people and put up a good front but the truth is I am still me. I can try not to but I can still feel. I hide it until I get in my room or my "spot" down at Corona. I can then be myself without having to worry about anyone making me feel vulnerable. I can cry about all the things I wish I could feel in public. I just can't. I will get hurt again. Everytime I try to show one sliver of feeling I get hurt anyway. I get rejected. I get used as a punching bag. It is my fault. I put up a front that I am strong enough to be a punching bag. SO I take the punches and go home and clean them up by myself. I am getting really good at that.
The thing is I might be good at that, but now no one knows me. No one knows that I feel because I never show them that I do. No one knows that being mugged made me feel like the weakest person alive. No one knows exactly how Omri treated me. No one knows that I am afraid to get close to anyone because I look at them and see the potential for them to hurt me. No one knows that I am afraid to love anyone because they will one day die like Matt did and I would not know how to handle that. No one knows that I have not let myself like anyone for the past year and a half and then I tried feeling a little something and it did not work, so I stopped feeling. No one knows this and it is all my fault.
The past few weeks have been a blur. The problem with the money, which ok I got a pretty good handle on that. Thomas telling me I was an awesome girl and he had feelings for me and then rejecting me because of the one fault I am insecure about, making me feel like once again it was all a lie. Jason telling me he would have dated me if he had not left for Japan but he was intimidated by me. The fight with Nir and Amy, which thank god is over and done with. And all of this going on while I am slowly walking down the path that leads to May 28th. The day I have to go to the cemetery and be reminded that people I care about die before they are supposed to.
It is good that I am single, then I won't get hurt. I can remain comfortably numb.
OK that did not make me feel any better, but it helps a little to tell it like it is, even if it is to a computer.

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