It's a Fine Line Between Chaos and Creation

Mr. Genius at apple was able to save about 95% of my data off of my heard drive. This includes all of my music (Thank you God!!) and I was just sitting here wallowing in my own snot and blotchyness (though I was just told I still look cute but in a very blotchy sick puppy dog way) because this cold I have just wants to totally screw me over, when I realized by saving 95% of my hard drive data Mr. Genius at apple, while transferring my data saw what data I had there. No biggie right? Well I believe Mr. Genius, nerd extraordinaire, talked to me rather nervously on the phone because he saw some data that was meant for only my eyes. I have a file, a Kama Sutra file, that is a PDF version of a modern day Kama Sutra. Geez, I might as well have had puppet porn on there while I was at it (Amy that one is for you!). Poor Mr. Genius.

I believe my computer died when I had that file on there for the same reason I show up at a place that requires valet parking when my car is a mess.

Since I have been stuck at home sick, accepting chicken soup deliveries and whatnot, I have been doing a lot of thinking about what kind of girl I am, what I have learned in life, and what kind of person I want to share me with. I know the best way to grow as a person is to look inward at oneself, figure out what kind of person I was, to attract into my life the kinds of people and circumstances I did, and figure out, through introspection how I can mature and grow. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. So I am taking this time for myself to figure myself out so I don't fall into the insanity trap. Well, if there is one thing I am smart at it is human behavior and what that gives me is an understanding of myself and people except Id rather just focus on myself and become a woman who does not need anything to fulfill her so I can choose what I want in my life just because I want it and not because it fulfills a need. Because no one needs anything.

Besides the raging cold today I feel really good, I had THAT dream again and I woke up saying, “Ok ok I get it I get it…” I believe some dreams are our intuition trying to tell us something. Our intuition is something that knows the answer to everything. We just don’t know how to interpret it sometimes. It was the same guy, same very distinct face though it was a face that would manifest in a few different people. I do know he had intense green eyes, had an athletic build, and a goofy smile. Who he is I have no idea…

In Dustin’s blog (please click on the link to the right and go bug his sexy ass) he summed up what he has learned through his time of self-reflection in two words – I won’t spoil it you can go read it. And while, I don’t think I can sum of what I have learned in two words I can say the biggest thing that has come of everything that has happened to me the past few months is a better understanding of who I am and a knowledge that I am a perfect Rachel, just the way I am. I have gained such a tremendous amount of confidence that I feel like I no longer have to be anything except exactly who I am. The confidence in myself has even shown me that it is ok that sometimes I don’t feel confident (like right now with my damn smurfette voice and blotchy nose!) The confidence has shown me that I can be good and nice sometimes but also sometimes I can be a total brat and manipulate. I can be needy and yet sometimes I want to be alone. I am very feisty and it turns some on and turns some off. (Hey this is why they tell me I am easy to love but not easy to handle) Except when it comes down to it, my well-being is always there and more often than not I am a good woman. I am not more special than anyone but I am not worse than anyone either. No one is better than me and no one is worse than me either. But what I am special at, is being the most perfect Rachel Heather there is. (that is not "perfection" that is the perfect ME) And I would not have it any other way. Like my Guardian Angel said (you know who you are), God gave me gifts and now I just have to use them and have a shit load of fun while I am at it.

So in a way I also learned that not only can I still be a better woman, but rather I already am all that I need to be, and loving myself makes me a better woman.

Told you it was more than two words!

I have learned a lot more but that will have to be saved for another day when I am less drugged up.

In other news…

People tell you things with their actions, rather than their words.

My grandfather is like the wise owl mixed with the yoda – He has never been wrong, its almost weird

I get to see peter Buck at the El Rey on Saturday and have a baseball game Friday night. (and it cost me no money which is good because I just spent 40 freaking dollars a various cold medications) As long as I get better it should be a fun weekend.

I still don’t think I look cute and sexy in the blotchy, snotty, glassy eyed way I am right now but will accept that compliment
( just for you)

I seem to have created much discussion regarding my Penis Post and this makes me happy. A writer always wants discussion and comments on their writing because all writers are attention whores hehe. But I have received verbal and written comments about that Penis post discussing what guys have the biggest penis’ to napoleon complexes to too much information regarding my brother to ..well everything possible. I had no idea it would garner such a reaction but penis discussion has seemed to become a staple in conversation since that post took place. Congrats guys..the wee wee’s are getting attention!

I am so mad about Chris being voted off I think I could scream. He was my Tuesday Orgasm. Such a shame.

I still have yet to figure out how to post a link so what I am going to do is just talk about a blog I like and add the link to the left on the sidebar…cause I am retarded.

And now I must go drink my tea and ponder the better days when I could breathe through my nose.