You Get The Evidence, Free Beer, and Fireworks...
I started today missing things in the past. I missed my music buddy, my REM buddy, my baseball buddy, and someone who knew how to pleasure me, someone who would kiss my ass (not metaphorically), and look at me with pure animal desire. Someone who I could bring to their knees with a look and make them vulnerable with my touch. I think we miss what we had when it is gone, but we forget to appreciate it when it is here. And I thought of that look and realized….it’s gone.
And then something amazing happened…and just like in my dream…I was forced to surrender to what I thought things were, accept things for what they are, and for once be happy for the way things are going.
Besides the fact that I had the best time last night, and the Angels kicked ass, and I soooooo called it that we would get a free Hooters night, I hit a revelation somewhere between the 6th inning, the hottie next to me, and the complete evidence shoved in my face (again not metaphorically) that yes I am on the right track.
I have been getting advice thrown at me left and right the past week. Advice from people I trust and love and believe in. And yet, it only took a moment of pure bliss for me to realize for myself…that I forgot to ask one simple question….what do I want? Forget what others want but what do I want?
So it was asked of me…by a complete stranger, and being that I had had four beers already (I said I was a cheap date but at a ballpark 4 beers equals megabucks people) I spilled the beans. And I realized I had been going about everything all wrong. I paid attention to what wanted me, rather than going after what I really wanted. I felt like a fool for wanting what I wanted. Until, someone else told me what I wanted was, duh, easy and more importantly perfectly acceptable to want. Well it is easy, but for the right person. And I can’t make someone the right person just because I want to. But I realized tonight, as the grand slam made us all nuts, that what I really wanted really does exist in a person and that person will give me butterflies until the day I die.
What is it I said…to this stranger?
I don’t want a guy who tells me I have the best ass ever, or the best eyes ever, or the best smile ever. I want a guy who notices that there are specks of gold in my eyes, who knows my five different smiles based upon my mood, who would memorize with his hand the fact that there are about five freckles and a tattoo on my ass (sorry mom). I want a guy who knows how to touch my stomach and then sees how my breathing gets deeper when he does so, who knows when I am being pleasured I bite my bottom lip, and when I cry my lip quivers. When I laugh my smile is contagious and when I am satisfied my smile is big and my eyes crinkle and when I want something my smile is evil. I want someone who is confident enough to throw me down, who knows what my look of pure satisfaction is, who knows what my look of pure ecstasy is. And I realized something tonight….he exists. I think the key to a great awesome lifetime relationship is someone who is your best friend but also your best lover. Also, someone who grounds you and someone who dreams big with you. Someone who puts in the work to make things work when times get tough, is in it for the long haul, and doesn’t feed you movie scripted lines but rather gives you pure honest uninhibited sexual gratification that shows only when someone knows every inch of your body. Someone who knows that there are five sets of freckle pairs on my body resembling vampire bites…and commits to memory exactly what my body not only looks like naked but feels like naked. If you don’t have that attraction, if you don’t have that pure uninhibited desire…then where else is there to go? It fades with age. Our bodies become older and wrinkled and lines begin to appear everywhere. But, when you have it at the beginning, there is no way you can’t have it at the end…it just gets different.
Whew is it hot in here?
I said that to this stranger…I might have come across rather…um…weird? Hey he didn’t seem to mind.
But there is also more to it, an amazing lover is only part of the equation
What more do I want?
Someone who is willing to break out from the mold of what they grew up in. Someone that knows that even though they are a man, their vulnerability is still a turn on. Their sensitivity is sexy but so is their confidence and manliness. Someone willing to spread their wings further than they thought possible. Who doesn’t settle for what is comfortable but marinates in discomfort to grow. Someone who never lets go of me, even when times get hard. Someone who is athletic and healthy and gives me chills when I look at them. Someone who I can be around in sweats and bad hair and still dress up nice. Someone who knows my weakness, who knows that life is only what you make of it and you don’t step out of the box into the realm of the impossible then you will never succeed. Someone who can handle life’s rough patches and is loyal through thick and thin. Someone dynamic and manly, and athletic and goofy and sexy and funny and quirky. Someone who has passions. Who loves music. Someone who JUST HAS FUN WITH LIFE, who doesn’t take it all so seriously. (well unless it is necessary) Someone who I can help grow just as they can help me grow. Someone who is completely open and honest with me as I am with him. Someone who isn’t afraid to take a risk and to go into the unknown..an unknown lifestyle an unknown city, an unknown dream.
And then we got run number 12…
And I looked up at the sky
And everything I have ever known has lead up to that one moment in my life…call it a vision, call it divine intervention, call it a kick in the ass, call it a wake up call , call it alcohol, call it frisky.
Because, the life I want, the lifestyle I want, the amazing career, the amazing adventure, the healthy kids, the man I want, the lifetime love affair mixed with a lifetime best friend….it all exists. I just had to let go, trust in it, and open my eyes to what awaits me. I had to ask myself what I wanted rather than what I thought I was supposed to want or what someone else ended up not wanting.
I just had to jump.