Me, Myself, and Love

When somebody feels like they have something to prove, it usually means they are insecure with whomever or whatever they have to prove it to.

I know I have done this many times and probably most people do it a lot as well, even though it seems rather unhealthy.

More recently, I started dating again. Not because I wanted to but mainly because I wanted to prove to people, friends, and family that I was so over it. That I had moved on. And a part of me wanted to prove to myself that I had the "X Factor," that I had that special something and damnit I was going to prove it.

So I went on a few dates. Really nice guys. Sweet and thoughtful. Fun times were had by all. But I realized my intentions were not aligned with goodness. I know what it is like to find out someone was using you or trying to hurt you to feed their ego. Neither of these guys deserve that. I am better than that. I knew from the start I was not going to jump into something serious with these guys. However, they didn't know that. As soon as I realized they had feelings, I knew I was not honoring my respect for myself to deceive someone to try to prove something. I do credit them for helping me get over a few things because a fun night out is a fun night out, but it is never a good idea to use someone else, it comes back to bite you in the ass. In fact, it is never a good idea to do anything to provoke jealousy, rage, anger, resentment, or sadness. Thank goodness I never kissed any of them. I always was told that when we are not aligned with goodness we can tell. We get a bad feeling in our tummies or whatnot. Well I realized that by forcing myself to date and act all cute and smile to make a guy I don't care about melt, is not out of goodness. Is it bred out of a lack and that is not what I am about. I forgive myself for it, but I am better than envy.

Good thing I got some new friends out of it. And a new baseball buddy too! :)

The fact is, I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I know my value, and I know my worth. I don't have to get anything, do anything, or be anyone different just to raise my value to someone because it exists inside me. I don't have to have a certain career, act a certain way, try to make others jealous, or anything to raise my worth. Because doing that only brings down our own self-worth. And those that see my "X Factor" won't care anyway.

None of it is worth it. No one is worth it.

I am not going to try to do anything to prove to someone, "Hey I am a star!"

So for now, I am not going to be actively dating as of yet. I know in my heart of hearts that when true love is meant to be, the guy worthy will come no matter what I do, where I am, and how perfect I am not.

If a date presents itself, and I feel like going, then great, fabulous, I just might go.

But for now all I want to do is focus on me. What I want. What I need. What I want to do. Because I realize now that doing something just to show people that you can do it does not come from a good place. It comes from a place of lack (fear) rather than love (everything else in the entire world).

I am still open to true love. And, I know it will happen exactly at the moment that God wants it to happen. I know I will probably end up in New York, but I want to make sure I am going because it is my path rather than going to run away from something or to prove to someone I can do it.

that's the ironic thing about proof. We try to prove things to other people but in reality we only need to prove them to ourselves. Trying to prove things to other people gives them the power. Proving it to ourselves gives us the power. We prove it to ourselves and everyone else believes it as well. It is the law of paradoxal intent.

I woke up this morning at peace. I was peaceful because I realized I didn't need to do anything but whatever I wanted to do for me and the RIGHT things will happen at the RIGHT time. I realized the best thing for my honor was to figure out what I wanted, write it down, then let it go with trust and expectation, then just live my life and just BE ME. I stopped caring. I stopped caring what certain people thought of me or didn't think of me. I just stopped caring. I just want to go back to ME. Being ME just means that I don't have to act tough. I don't have to act nonchalant. I don't have to act like a scared puppy and I don't have to be confident and cocky all the time either. In reality we are all of these things. And some people who actually see it, can manifest their own destiny. It does not take control, it takes releasing that control and letting things unfold how they are supposed to. It is trusting in the process, knowing that a soul mate comes when it is supposed to, the dream job comes when it is supposed to, and happiness comes this very second when we can appreciate what we already have right now this moment and welcome any extras. It is not about wanting what we can't have, it is about loving what we have right now and THAT is what gives us the ability to get more. Because, why would God give you something if you hate what he has already given you. Ain't that stupid. That's the whole secret anyway, trusting in the process. That's what Kafka meant when he said, "You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait. Do not even wait, be quite still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice. It will roll in ecstasy at your feet." That silence is an inner knowing and an inner trust in the ability to live the life we imagined. Or at least the belief that we are love, no matter what. And, there is nothing we need to do different to achieve those dreams than to just love what is. So I am trying that. That, above all else, is what gives us the REAL "X Factor."

Anyways, I mentioned earlier that I wrote down things I wanted. I did this because, although the goal is to be happy no matter what (which I am getting better at each day) the other goal is to know what we want, and then to trust it will come when it is supposed to. Knowing what we want, but not forcing the outcomes gives us a guideline of where to go.

So Here is what I want:

From Myself - I want to focus on what I have, rather than what I don't. I want to do nothing out of fear but everything out of love. I want to finish the half marathon and then do the marathon. I want to work out everyday and make sure I do at least one thing a day just for me. I want to graduate college and get my degree either in New York or here. If it is here then I want to move to New York after, if I finish in New York then fantabulous. I want to pursue my love for writing and get a career that I love because of it. I want to never get rid of my passions. I want to go to every concert I want to see and I want to catch as many baseball games this season as I can. I want to see the Angels go all the way to the playoffs again and hopefully even farther than that. I want to welcome change with an open mind. I want to marinate in my womanhood and sexiness. I want to sleep naked more often and smile as much as I can. I want to read a book a week and help those that need it. I want to never stop loving. I want to never become cynical (I will leave that to you Ethan). I want to make someone's day better with just a hug and a smile. I want to talk to strangers. I want to go on a road trip by myself. I want to inspire people to love themselves a little more. I want to always have the ass I do now, even after I have kids. I want to never be afraid of a little bit of chocolate. I want to dance under the stars to the music of my favorite band. I want to party with rock stars. I want to kiss like there is no one else I would rather kiss. I want to always love myself, even when I am feeling bad about myself. I want to catch a foul or homerun ball. I want to dress up, pamper myself, and feel like the sexy bitch that I am. And, most of all, I want to never give up on people that I love and always remind them to believe in the beauty of their dreams.

What I want in my soul mate:

A guy whose eyes sparkle a little when he smiles. A guy who has committed to memory the freckles on my nose. A guy who thinks it is adorable when I burp and ladylike when I don't. A guy who can't get enough of me when I look all pretty and dressed up and can't get enough of me when I am in sweats with my hair messed up. A guy who loves that I have to some things on my own (hello shopping, no men allowed) but loves that I need him. A guy who looks me in the eye and tells me, "I have no idea what is going to happen in life but the one thing I am sure of is I want you there to kiss me goodnight for the rest of my life because I can't lose you." A guy who would never let me go. A guy who is strong and yet caring., Who loves baseball but also music and arty stuff. A guy who knows I am a strong woman but wants to take care of me anyway. A guy who can't keep his hands off of me. A guy who gives me butterflies but makes me feel safe and secure at the same time. A guy who is smart and loves to let me learn. A guy who I can eat hamburgers with and not worry about ketchup slipping down my chin. A guy who I can want and need and hug and kiss freely without ever having to worry he might freak out and run. A guy who would travel 500 miles to see his favorite band and travel 500 miles to see me. A guy who knows how to laugh and make me laugh. A guy who laughs even when I am not being funny. A guy who knows that being serious is only fun half the time. A guy who can be shallow one minute and deep the next. A guy who, when the going get tough, moves a little closer. A guy who cares about his family. A guy who can make me laugh. A guy I have passion and chemistry with. A guy who is protective, even when he knows I can make it on my own. A guy who would love to spend Sunday afternoons at the ballpark. A guy who would understand my obsession with REM. A guy who has interests that are not mind and I can learn about. A guy who has passion, but does not make it his whole life. A guy who makes your heart stop just for a second and tries new things to keep things fun. A guy who is mature and has gone through many things in life, making him strong and manly. A guy who would kiss my forehead when he thought I was asleep.

Well that's about it. With that, I am just trusting that everything happens for a reason, everything happens when it is supposed to happen, and I am just going to sit back, be myself, do my own thing and believe in the beauty of my dreams.