Tuesday, April 04, 2006

My Life That Was. My Life That Will Be.

Sometimes I am so angry and hurt and sometimes I am filled with an overwhelming sense of love that I feel like the clouds have parted just over me and the sun is shining into my eyes showing me a future filled with hope.

I look at my past and feel everything. I feel hurt and pain. Yet I feel love all the same. The fact is my past has been spectacular. More recent my past has been loving and kind and genuine. And I look into my future with the hope that I will create that love once again.

It is hard to let go when something felt so good. It is like the last episode of Sienfeld. I always wonder why they stopped the show, quit while they were on top, and I wonder how they dealt with it.

When somebody loves you, and says they will always love you, but then sets out to hurt you, how do you walk away with only memories of the love and none of the hurt? I guess my best answer would be determination. I am determined to ignore the hurt and just bless my memories with a past that was good and whole and special.

Walking forward is rarely done without looking back a few times. I am walking forward nonetheless, however hard it is. The new baseball season is coming and Friday I will have a good time. I will dress cute, wear my jersey and cheer for my team. However, I would be lying if I didn't wish that the person sitting next to me was my old baseball buddy instead of my new one. I can't pretend this season will be more amazing than last just because I am trying to look on the bright side of life.

I can't pretend that I am going to be at that concert, wishing the person standing next to me was someone else.

I can't pretend that this new guy kissing me is the same or better or best.

But that wouldn't be hopeful then would it?

I guess it is just different. I guess I just miss my best friend.

I am not speaking out of pride. I am not speaking from my ego. I am speaking from my heart. I will always look at my past with love and respect. I will never in a million years set out to hurt my past or lay blame. But I have to let go and regain my hope. Because you know what Red says, "Hope is a good thing, and no good thing ever dies." I guess that is how I feel about everything. The good memories and the good times never die. They find a special spot in your heart and make it that much stronger.

And whenever I am feeling down I am reminded of the Death Cab song, "Someday You Will Be Loved."

You'll be loved you'll be loved.
Like you never have known.

And amidst all this pain and sadness and this emptiness in my life where something special once stood, I am reminded that no matter what anyone thinks of me, no matter what anyone thinks of themselves, no matter who we are...

we all deserve to be loved and we all will find love.

And that is my one wish for everyone.

My wish is for everyone to be loved the way I have been loved my entire life. My wish is for everyone to never have to feel pain or sadness. My wish is for everyone to know in their heart of hearts that they are valuable and worthy of love in its truest form. My wish is for everyone to believe in their dreams and follow their yellow brick road. My wish is for everyone to believe they are never alone. The whole world of love, success, fulfillment, inner peace, and happiness is there for everyone's taking..all you have to do is believe in yourself.

1 comment:

hadesalpha said...

I like the blog.
you said you want to regain hope, but by reading the document i find it. if you can wish love and only good stuff to others.you already have found what you are looking for. is just time for open your eyes. ^^