Saturday, July 10, 2004

Ok so finally the week is over.
Recital is over. It is over and done with and so far the new job front is going oh so not as good as I want it to be. Joy (the HR person at Hot Topic) loved loved loved me but had this whole new program installation this past week and that is why she has not called. Of course, I did not know that this past week so I just assumed I got overthrown. I thought I was not good enough for it. Well, ok I know I should not have assumed anything but with everything that has been going on at my job now, it just made me feel shitty. It made me feel like I have no place in the work field. My job now undermines me. They try to make me feel like an idiot and they come close to succeeding because I don't use my brain much there anyway. They treat me like I am less because I am young and I don't use anything I will use. Do they know I read? NO Do they know I write? NO Do they even know I have capabilities at all? NO

Well I sort of freaked about the Hot Topic thing over nothing though because it looks like they will call this week. They all really did like me there, which feels so different. It is like an environment of people who actually do things I do, besides dance I mean. I just hope I don't end up in limbo. I want to start a new job now, I am excited to start one.

I just don't want dance to become a bad memory for me and at the moment it has not become a fun thing, it has become a burden. I go to work sad and depressed.

So ok I was also wrong about the Nir thing, but I still have not talked to him. Oh well, we will both get over it. We always do.

I think this was just a Rachel feels stupid week. They come every so often and then they fade into the background like they never happened and I become myself once again, happy, energetic, confident.

I don't think it is about outside people bring me down either that makes me feel stupid when I have those weeks, it is no ones fault but my own. I just have these cycles where I think I could always know more and be more. I think everyone I respect is smarter than me in so many ways and I wish I could be as smart as they are. Then usually I see people bringing me down as a result of those feelings. Snide comments about my memory or my attention span, jokes and the like. Even Brendan made me feel like a right fool today when he made a comment about Jeff Buckley touring and I asked when and where. (He is dead)
I always wonder if the rest of the world feels just as foolish sometimes. If everyone else has weeks, or days or moments where they feel like blind idiots walking through the forest running into trees and not knowing where to go. Is it everyone? Or, is it just me?

Then I wake up a few days later and I go back to being myself. Normal. Confident. Happy. Until the next time I get blindfolded again.

I hope that is a long time coming....this was a long freaking week....

P.S I know what tattoo I am getting now. Amy is drawing it up. More information to come. :)

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