Thursday, November 02, 2006

I Am Becoming a Butterfly

It would take me hours upon hours to explain where I have been and what I have been doing the past month.

I wish I could tell you all that I went on an African Safari, or that I won the lotto and have been using my time wisely making sure Nordstrom’s and Bloomies stay in business for a thousand years.

While, that is not the case, I can’t divulge too many details here.

I have been to hell and back. I have seen darkness and things have happened that have shattered my belief system , respect, and the standards I had set.

Standing in nothing, I was forced to evaluate everything. Who I am. Where I am. Who I want to be and where I want to go.

A good good friend, and someone who I hold high with utmost respect and admiration told me this (to paraphrase)

“Rachel, what the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls the butterfly. I see you and I see that you are turning into the most beautiful amazing butterfly I have ever seen.”

Besides being one of the best compliments I have ever gotten (and thank you for that, you know who you are) it opened my eyes to realize that standing in nothing is actually a good sign.

As with any change in our life, or self-transformation, or even taking the first step to get help, it is painful. It is as painful as that caterpillar breaking through his cocoon. Many people say it is the most painful thing anyone goes through. Many people give up during that time. They get familiar with that boxed in feeling. It is comfortable and safe. Breaking out is dangerous. It is scary. No one knows what is outside the cocoon.

But I broke out anyway.

Here is what I found:

- It takes courage to do the hard thing which many times are the right and just thing.

- It takes courage to see the truth about who we are but only we can change and grow. This is why many people never change (how many times have you heard that one)

- I am stronger than I give myself credit for.

- I am a good, loving person.

- I understand.

- I know how to love.

- Not one single person in this world is evil.

- I am totally freaking sexy. (I had to add that one) : )

I am now standing on the cusp of a new life. The world is spread out before me and, mark my words, I will take it on.

I won’t settle for anything less than spectacular. I won’t remain in a boxed in place of where I “should” be. If I want to do something I am going to go balls in and do it. Coward no more.

I can be anything I want. I can do anything I want. I can have anything I want. That is what the universe was designed for. Are you in a job you don’t like? Quit. Follow your bliss. That is what takes real courage and conviction. How about your town? Your heart? Your mind? Why is it you have the job you have? Is it what your parents did and you thought you should do the same? What kind of life do you really want to live? Picture what you want in your head.

I am told I am now a butterfly. My life did a 180 the past month. But now, everything seems possible.

And this sick feeling in my stomach, over my past…that will fade with time.

So many people thought of me as someone that would not go anywhere. A pretty face – nothing more.

Mark my words….my standards are set, I will not lower them, and anything less is an insult to the universe and myself.

Anyone care to join me? All you have to do is be authentic.

And maybe a little bit sexy ;)


JimmyJames said...

You broke out of your cocoon and are now flying. Just like the rosebud, it strains at its pedals until it bursts forth. This is the metamorphous of the human spirit. You are indeed Perfect and energized in every way, and anything you desire, is already on its way to you. The Universe is abundant and all you need to do is just ask for what you desire.
A good movie for you to watch would be "The Secret"

Happy Sailing

Rachel Heather said...

Jimmyjames - I have the luxary of knowing in person some of "The Secret" teachers

just one of my many secrets :)

JimmyJames said...

Life is indeed an awesome journey. Welcome aboard.
We are all teachers to each other, and this student is always ready, willing and eager to learn.
And apples are plentiful.

Jenna said...

Missed you!
So true, gorgeous girl in more ways than one:)

Rachel Heather said...

JimmyJames - then stick around. I am lucky to know many teachers and am always willing to share what I have learned to those willing to change and grow.

Jenna - I missed you all too! I will reveal more when the time is right. Thank you for the lovely compliment. :)

twobuyfour said...

I'm sorry that you've had to go through such trauma and struggle to get where you are (and where you're going) but I absolutely agree with you that it's a good and necessary thing. If it makes you feel any better, I never had any doubts about your ability to come out of this smelling like a rose.

Rachel said...

Rach ~ I am so glad to see you back. I missed you every day.
You are an inspiration to me.

-J said...

Welcome back, Rachel. I'm glad you found this part of your journey rewarding.

Rachel Heather said...

2X4 - thanks! :) I am still working on things, still struggling, but I will get there. Being that my birthday is in 3 days - this is the perfect time :)

Rachel - Thank you! I don't know how much of an inspiration I could be though.

J - you know it...word

shopper said...

I'm glad you're back. You're CAN have anything you want. (Manolos included!) ;)

CP said...

Zen and Anarchy had a child. Her name was Rachel!

You Rock!


Dan said...

In all my readings in Taoism, Buddhism and other spectacular Eastern philosophies, it appears that folks become "realized," become "enlightened" often when they hit dead bottom. When there is nothing else to lose. And so it's easier to make the jump. Sounds like you're on your way!

By the way, I turned into a butterfly last year, but then some nerdy kid caught me in a big net, put me in a jar of formaldehyde and hung me on his wall.

The first part of this comment was serious. The second part was an attempt to bring some levity to a heady topic. ;)

Scott said...

That is a great post... i really like your words here. I am glad that you are back and wish you all the best...

It is hard being a pretty face isn't it?


deepsat said...

welcome back rach!! you are a fighter and you can survive anything! your strength is visible in who you are and what you can be!

great post!!


Grumpy O. Selznick said...


Lydia said...

Good to see you blogging again, and in a really positive way after going through such a rough time.

Jill said...

YAY! I'm psyched that you're back. I knew you'd make it through. You are a super strong (and SEXY) woman!! :)