Through the looking glass....
I have not written in a while due to some business I just can't shake.
Sunday Simoney and me went to the Hustler store to stock on some goodies. And man did I stock up. We also got money a new vibrator, which she better be practicing with now! I got so many cool things like honey powder, heated massage oil, and some new ruffled panties. :)
Last night I got one of my best birthday presents. (Yes I am still celebrating my birthday get over it) I got taken to Disneyland and I even got an annual pass. :) I have not been in months and it was so beautiful so see all the holiday decorations. They made the Haunted Mansion up for the holidays with all Nightmare Before Christmas stuff. I also got to see the fire works and the electric parade. I had not been to the California Adventure Park ever, so it was really cool to see that. (Of course I can now go all the time hehe)
It got so cold and with all the lights it reminded me of being in New York over Christmas time. Even with just walking down Main Street looking at the holiday windows, I got this nostalgia for the Macy's windows. I hope they are still up in January. I did just find out that my little cousins are already counting down the days to see me. I am so creating monsters.
Aside from all this I have just been hanging out with my girls and enjoying the few hours I am not working or in school. It is nice to have this week off from school, I feel like I can breathe. Tomorrow night Ethan and Amy are coming down since they will then go up to Lake Arrowhead tomorrow with the rest of the family. SANS ME! Yup, that is right I am getting abandoned for Thanksgiving. The kicker is what my gram gram said to me about it.... get over it! I can't believe she said that!
Life is pretty much going to be go go go go for the next few months. Just the way I like it. I am getting a holiday buzz going on. I was in LA on Sunday and saw the new holiday funky lingerie outfits in the Trashy Lingerie window. Funny enough, that is when the buzz hit, thinking about how cute I would look in red velvet lingerie. I love the holidays. I love the lights. I love the presents and the Christmas music. I love the mood everyone gets in, so giving and loving. I know it is bad to celebrate Christmas, but hey it is a great holiday I can't help myself. :) I figure I just get two....or should I say Christmiskah (Thank you Seth)
Not much else to write just wanted to give an update. I shall leave you with a demand...Get the new U2 album!!!!
"The glow of inspiration warms us, it is a holy rapture." - Ovid (yeah I know I am obsessed with him)
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Ok taken from another's blog
A Series of Threes...
THREE THINGS I DO NOT UNDERSTAND (Out of the many...)
1. Depression. I should understand depression because I have been there. However, I don't get it. I don't get how someone can't just choose not to throw caution in the wind and look life in the face and laugh and giggle and have wide eyes of pure awe. Everything, and I mean everything, is a blessing. I wish people would get up every morning and thank their lucky stars for every single thing in their life. Because, we have a life. We are alive. Being alive is the greatest thing and to groan and whine about life when one is actually living it...I just don't understand.
2. I don't understand war. There just has to be another way. War just brings death and destruction and it seems to me that there are no winners ever.
3. I don't understand my head sometimes. It tells me conflicting thoughts and feelings and I know my inner voice is the only truth but damn if that "devil inside" does not get loud sometimes.
THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. Boy shirt undies
2. Birthday suit
3. Baby oil
THREE THINGS ON MY DESK
1. A half a can of diet coke
2. A bunch of pictures
3. Some magazines
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. Jump out of an airplane
2. Fall in love
3. Run with the bulls in Spain
THREE PARTS OF MY HERITAGE
1. Russian
2. Scottish
3. and part Goddess
THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. My eyes
2. My butt
3. My tummy
THREE THINGS I DO NOT LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
ehh not much I am fine with it
THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW ABOUT ME
1. I have survived three near death experiences. (Somebody up there wants me alive!)
2. I have had surgery.
3. I sometimes suffer from night terrors and wake up crying. (Damn over active imagination)
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
1. WhatEVER
2. tsk tsk tsk
3. I am so cute
THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO
1. New York (someday Rachel will live there)
2. Aruba (for the rest of my life this is my paradise)
3. Africa
THREE NAMES THAT I GO BY (ASIDE FROM MY OWN)
1. Rachie
2. Snatchy
3. Precious/sweetheart/cutie pie etc.
Adding a few...
THREE THINGS I WILL NEVER DO
1. Throw myself a pity party. - They are so not worth it
2. Kill anyone (I may threaten though hehe)
3. Regret anything EVER!
THREE "THINGS" I LOVE
1. Passion fruit
2. Orange roses
3. Chocolate anything
THREE THINGS I AM GREATFUL FOR
1. Everything
2. Everything
3. Did I mention everything?
THREE "FAULTS" OF MINE
1. I am hot headed
2. I am spoiled
3. I am such a brat
THREE ASPECTS OF ME I LOVE
1. I am hot headed
2. I am a brat
3. I am confident and I believe in my life and myself. No matter what happens
THREE BOOKS I LOVE
1. The Count of Monte Cristo
2. Something Wicked this way Comes
3. The Idiot
A Series of Threes...
THREE THINGS I DO NOT UNDERSTAND (Out of the many...)
1. Depression. I should understand depression because I have been there. However, I don't get it. I don't get how someone can't just choose not to throw caution in the wind and look life in the face and laugh and giggle and have wide eyes of pure awe. Everything, and I mean everything, is a blessing. I wish people would get up every morning and thank their lucky stars for every single thing in their life. Because, we have a life. We are alive. Being alive is the greatest thing and to groan and whine about life when one is actually living it...I just don't understand.
2. I don't understand war. There just has to be another way. War just brings death and destruction and it seems to me that there are no winners ever.
3. I don't understand my head sometimes. It tells me conflicting thoughts and feelings and I know my inner voice is the only truth but damn if that "devil inside" does not get loud sometimes.
THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. Boy shirt undies
2. Birthday suit
3. Baby oil
THREE THINGS ON MY DESK
1. A half a can of diet coke
2. A bunch of pictures
3. Some magazines
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. Jump out of an airplane
2. Fall in love
3. Run with the bulls in Spain
THREE PARTS OF MY HERITAGE
1. Russian
2. Scottish
3. and part Goddess
THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. My eyes
2. My butt
3. My tummy
THREE THINGS I DO NOT LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
ehh not much I am fine with it
THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW ABOUT ME
1. I have survived three near death experiences. (Somebody up there wants me alive!)
2. I have had surgery.
3. I sometimes suffer from night terrors and wake up crying. (Damn over active imagination)
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
1. WhatEVER
2. tsk tsk tsk
3. I am so cute
THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO
1. New York (someday Rachel will live there)
2. Aruba (for the rest of my life this is my paradise)
3. Africa
THREE NAMES THAT I GO BY (ASIDE FROM MY OWN)
1. Rachie
2. Snatchy
3. Precious/sweetheart/cutie pie etc.
Adding a few...
THREE THINGS I WILL NEVER DO
1. Throw myself a pity party. - They are so not worth it
2. Kill anyone (I may threaten though hehe)
3. Regret anything EVER!
THREE "THINGS" I LOVE
1. Passion fruit
2. Orange roses
3. Chocolate anything
THREE THINGS I AM GREATFUL FOR
1. Everything
2. Everything
3. Did I mention everything?
THREE "FAULTS" OF MINE
1. I am hot headed
2. I am spoiled
3. I am such a brat
THREE ASPECTS OF ME I LOVE
1. I am hot headed
2. I am a brat
3. I am confident and I believe in my life and myself. No matter what happens
THREE BOOKS I LOVE
1. The Count of Monte Cristo
2. Something Wicked this way Comes
3. The Idiot
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
"All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion, desire." - Aristotle
Chance - I can't talk about chance without writing my favorite quote from one of my favorite poets. "Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be fish." Ovid was essentially the most impassioned poet of his time, as well as the most controversial (writing about sex acts in 10 AD will do that to you). But, here we see that leaving things up to chance is not merely sitting around waiting for something to happen. It also has nothing to do with going out to find it. Leaving things to chance involves being available to receive it, anytime and anyplace. The world will give you what you want, but you do have to live in the world, here and now, to even know what the hell it is giving you. Chance is a mere myth, just as coincidence is a myth. Things you get by chance, people you come across by chance, were supposed to happen. However, leaving things to chance opens doors you never even knew were there to begin with.
Nature - You can't fight nature. The tides chance, the sun rises, no matter how much you don't want it to. The nature of the person is the same way. You can't fight your own nature to be what you are. We learn to appreciate the tides as soon as we accept that that is what is in their nature to do. We learn to accept ourselves when we truly begin to love our own nature. We learn to accept other people as soon as we stop trying to change what is in their nature to be.
Compulsions - Compulsions are mere obsessions in disguise. I don't think they are all a bad thing either. Some of our compulsions are what makes us unique. Just so long as it does not become OCD I think compulsions are a great thing. Whether it be with chocolate, shopping, collecting certain things, a band, or even someone's ass. ;) We identify with people because of their compulsions. Compulsions are something we do unwillingly, some call it a weakness. I have a compulsion toward shopping and chocolate but that is what makes me me.
Habit - Habit is what gives us character. It is not enough to say we are going to do something. We must do it and do it often until it becomes a part of our character. Habits can be good or bad. Good habits, though, are necessary in life.
Reason - ahh reason, like a drug can be harmful in excess. Reason can be useful in solving problems but reason without any heart is horrid. One must follow their heart and instinct and use reason to HELP with the process, not the other way around.
Passion - Passion is probably the single most important thing one needs to have in life. Without passion for anything we would just be hollow shells. If anything can be deemed the most important quality in life, I would say it is passion. Passion is what drives me every day to do what I want to do. He who has passion has everything they need to make it in life. Yes, passion can sometimes cause pain, but it also is the cause for the greatest ecstasy we will ever know.
Desire - In Kabbalah when one asks, "Who am I"? The answer is, we are what we desire. Essentially what we desire makes us who we are and nothing else. I think maybe what we desire is what gives us a reason to even live.
This day has been a weird one for me. I am faced with a big decision and I am not sure what to decide. I have wanted to study in London for as long as I remember. Now I come to find out that may not be possible next semester. I might just have to do the 5-week summer program. (Hey at least REM are still playing this summer in London LOL). The reason I might not be able to go next semester is money. I come to find out that I just can't afford to pay back the loan right now and because of various reasons I will have to start paying it back right away. This is where reality and desire clash. I always say though there is a reason for everything and maybe I am not meant to leave home for 3 months. Maybe I am supposed to go for only 5 weeks. So I can either go in January and get into major debt that I am not sure I can pay off or I can go in the summer for half the cost. I defiantly have a hard decision to make.
Chance - I can't talk about chance without writing my favorite quote from one of my favorite poets. "Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be fish." Ovid was essentially the most impassioned poet of his time, as well as the most controversial (writing about sex acts in 10 AD will do that to you). But, here we see that leaving things up to chance is not merely sitting around waiting for something to happen. It also has nothing to do with going out to find it. Leaving things to chance involves being available to receive it, anytime and anyplace. The world will give you what you want, but you do have to live in the world, here and now, to even know what the hell it is giving you. Chance is a mere myth, just as coincidence is a myth. Things you get by chance, people you come across by chance, were supposed to happen. However, leaving things to chance opens doors you never even knew were there to begin with.
Nature - You can't fight nature. The tides chance, the sun rises, no matter how much you don't want it to. The nature of the person is the same way. You can't fight your own nature to be what you are. We learn to appreciate the tides as soon as we accept that that is what is in their nature to do. We learn to accept ourselves when we truly begin to love our own nature. We learn to accept other people as soon as we stop trying to change what is in their nature to be.
Compulsions - Compulsions are mere obsessions in disguise. I don't think they are all a bad thing either. Some of our compulsions are what makes us unique. Just so long as it does not become OCD I think compulsions are a great thing. Whether it be with chocolate, shopping, collecting certain things, a band, or even someone's ass. ;) We identify with people because of their compulsions. Compulsions are something we do unwillingly, some call it a weakness. I have a compulsion toward shopping and chocolate but that is what makes me me.
Habit - Habit is what gives us character. It is not enough to say we are going to do something. We must do it and do it often until it becomes a part of our character. Habits can be good or bad. Good habits, though, are necessary in life.
Reason - ahh reason, like a drug can be harmful in excess. Reason can be useful in solving problems but reason without any heart is horrid. One must follow their heart and instinct and use reason to HELP with the process, not the other way around.
Passion - Passion is probably the single most important thing one needs to have in life. Without passion for anything we would just be hollow shells. If anything can be deemed the most important quality in life, I would say it is passion. Passion is what drives me every day to do what I want to do. He who has passion has everything they need to make it in life. Yes, passion can sometimes cause pain, but it also is the cause for the greatest ecstasy we will ever know.
Desire - In Kabbalah when one asks, "Who am I"? The answer is, we are what we desire. Essentially what we desire makes us who we are and nothing else. I think maybe what we desire is what gives us a reason to even live.
This day has been a weird one for me. I am faced with a big decision and I am not sure what to decide. I have wanted to study in London for as long as I remember. Now I come to find out that may not be possible next semester. I might just have to do the 5-week summer program. (Hey at least REM are still playing this summer in London LOL). The reason I might not be able to go next semester is money. I come to find out that I just can't afford to pay back the loan right now and because of various reasons I will have to start paying it back right away. This is where reality and desire clash. I always say though there is a reason for everything and maybe I am not meant to leave home for 3 months. Maybe I am supposed to go for only 5 weeks. So I can either go in January and get into major debt that I am not sure I can pay off or I can go in the summer for half the cost. I defiantly have a hard decision to make.
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Me and Maytal!
Me and Maytal!
Originally uploaded by Rachelkap.
I get touchy when I am drunk, what can I say....hehe
more photos soon!!
drinking an oatmeal cookie
drinking an oatmeal cookie
Originally uploaded by Rachelkap.
Me, Maytal and Lena...when I was still standing.
Getting started
Getting started
Originally uploaded by Rachelkap.
Some pictures from last night. This was before we even got there. We started early. :)
Birthday madness is painful! AND, it is not even over, we are only halfway through November and I have about two or three more plans for my birthday left.
To better explain last night’s birthday party, let me give an example to what I woke up to.
A cut on my hand that was bleeding
- Various messages on my phone that included:
"Where are you"?
"Hey Rach, just wanted to say you are a good kisser..." (From Maytal!)
"Are you ok, how are you feeling"?
- No recollection of how I got home and into my bed
- A new insight to how people change sometimes
- The worst hangover EVER!
I had to perform a blowjob on a cucumber where I then proceeded to walk around with it asking strangers if they were jealous.
We all know how I say what is on my mind all the time; add alcohol and well you get the idea...
I loved my gifts though and it was so good to hang out with some of my girlfriends. A good time was had by all. :)
Pictures following...
To better explain last night’s birthday party, let me give an example to what I woke up to.
A cut on my hand that was bleeding
- Various messages on my phone that included:
"Where are you"?
"Hey Rach, just wanted to say you are a good kisser..." (From Maytal!)
"Are you ok, how are you feeling"?
- No recollection of how I got home and into my bed
- A new insight to how people change sometimes
- The worst hangover EVER!
I had to perform a blowjob on a cucumber where I then proceeded to walk around with it asking strangers if they were jealous.
We all know how I say what is on my mind all the time; add alcohol and well you get the idea...
I loved my gifts though and it was so good to hang out with some of my girlfriends. A good time was had by all. :)
Pictures following...
The three of us!!
The three of us!!
Originally uploaded by Rachelkap.
testing again. I promise I will post my pictures from last night on here now that I think I got the hang of this thing. Oh yikes, too bad I don't remember taking any of the pictures, lets hope they come out good. :)
weddingthegirls
weddingthegirls
Originally uploaded by Rachelkap.
This is just a test. I am learning how to post pics. Being that I have a million pictures and my blog can look bland without them. So here are the girls, all of us in are pretty dresses. :)
Friday, November 12, 2004
I was going through some photographs late last night because I am working on making some albums. It is funny how all of our memories can be summed up into these snap shots. I had this pile of shots dating all the way to when I was a baby (and a damn cute one at that!), up until now. There was my life, spread out before me, all fitting into one album. I found myself wondering if a stranger were to look at this album what would they think?
They would see smiley happy baby photos, dance photos, party photos birthday photos and an entire year of my life missing from that time line. Not one picture exists in print of my 14th year, does that mean something to a stranger? Would they wonder why?
So they would see a happy childhood, a hole in the timeline, various friends growing up with me and various friends fading in and out as the years went by. They would see me grow up (well not literally).
Certain years' pictures were centered around certain groups of people and yet some people remain throughout. They would see my parents age and my brother grow up as well. Is this what my life is? One picture album? They would see vacations and trips, competitions and school proms.
So my question would be what would a stranger think of me, looking at this album? Each of these pictures mean something special to me. A happy memory, a painful memory, a good story, a funny story, a loved one, they all mean something.
When my grandparents house burnt down they lost everything, except their pictures. They had 10 minutes to grab what they could and go. They grabbed their pictures.
I have been dabbing in photography for years now, even getting paid now and then. Always pictures. Always assigning a meaning to them. So really, what do pictures really mean?
They are all just a memory
They would see smiley happy baby photos, dance photos, party photos birthday photos and an entire year of my life missing from that time line. Not one picture exists in print of my 14th year, does that mean something to a stranger? Would they wonder why?
So they would see a happy childhood, a hole in the timeline, various friends growing up with me and various friends fading in and out as the years went by. They would see me grow up (well not literally).
Certain years' pictures were centered around certain groups of people and yet some people remain throughout. They would see my parents age and my brother grow up as well. Is this what my life is? One picture album? They would see vacations and trips, competitions and school proms.
So my question would be what would a stranger think of me, looking at this album? Each of these pictures mean something special to me. A happy memory, a painful memory, a good story, a funny story, a loved one, they all mean something.
When my grandparents house burnt down they lost everything, except their pictures. They had 10 minutes to grab what they could and go. They grabbed their pictures.
I have been dabbing in photography for years now, even getting paid now and then. Always pictures. Always assigning a meaning to them. So really, what do pictures really mean?
They are all just a memory
Thursday, November 11, 2004
I am wondering, how sometimes life sneaks up on us and gives us the most surprising gifts and the oddest times. Amy called yesterday, just like that. Amy called and this was following a heated meeting we had, and a missed birthday of mine on her part. Amy called and we talked like we normally do, as friends. She asked the gossip on my life and filled me in on hers. We talked of anything and everything and it almost seemed normal. Could this be the start of our friendship starting a new?
How much can one damage a friendship and still rebuild it once again? Josh says that if it is a strong friendship there usually is a good foundation to build upon. If anything, Amy and me do have a strong foundation. I have no clue what the next few weeks will bring in regards to Amy and me. She is coming on Saturday and I am excited about that. I guess we will just have to build from there.
It is weird how just a bit ago I thought me and Amy could never be friends again...and now I see hope. Ah for some reason I think the rest of the year is going to be just peachy. :)
I really have nothing else to write about today, some stuff is brewing, but until then...
"Fortune and Love favor the brave" - Ovid
How much can one damage a friendship and still rebuild it once again? Josh says that if it is a strong friendship there usually is a good foundation to build upon. If anything, Amy and me do have a strong foundation. I have no clue what the next few weeks will bring in regards to Amy and me. She is coming on Saturday and I am excited about that. I guess we will just have to build from there.
It is weird how just a bit ago I thought me and Amy could never be friends again...and now I see hope. Ah for some reason I think the rest of the year is going to be just peachy. :)
I really have nothing else to write about today, some stuff is brewing, but until then...
"Fortune and Love favor the brave" - Ovid
Friday, November 05, 2004
A few things that just need to be said. Actually there are many things that need to be said. I apologize first, if it all comes out like a bunch of mush.
This might be long but it is less than 12 hours until my 23 birthday so I can ge away with everything
This year has been about changes. I have been going through cycles (literally) of intense passion and intense apathy. I have gone through the ups and downs and euphoria and depression. I have seen despair, pain, love, joy, wonder, and most of all questions and answers. I have seen questions in everything this year; I have found answers in many. I have been witness to things I have found painful to watch or witness to things I wish others did not have to go through. I also have been witness to some of the most beautiful things I might ever see. The ebb and flow of life has caused chaos for me this year, but the good kind. It has caused me to throw away any attachments I have had to any plan I thought I had, any thought I had at the way I thought things "should be" and sort of let things unfold as the way they were supposed to be. What came of it was one of the most chaotically beautiful and educational years of my life.
And this is what I learned...
Obstacles are blessings and sometimes we need them. There is a plan for us all and if God does not like the plan we are following he just might pull the rug out from underneath us. Think of it this way, you would rather have the band-aid ripped off fast then slowly and painfully. This year there were many rugs pulled out from underneath me and the people I know. I think we were all left standing with our hands in the air asking, "Well what now"? We thought we saw grad school in our future, or a wedding, certain people alive, certain jobs, and maybe even a whole entire life plan if we were that anal. And suddenly the band-aid was pulled off and we were left with an open wound and that picture we painted no longer exists. Here lies he blessing. Once the band-aid is off, the wound can heal. Once the air is clear, we can paint whatever new pictures we want. We can go back to grad school. We can defy our family and do whatever job we want. We can go back to regular school and prove everyone wrong. We can do whatever we want to do because that is what we are supposed to do. Paulo Coelho said, "to realize ones own destiny is ones only obligation in life." Well what some of us thought was our destiny, just wasn't.
Many know of the celestial kick in the ass that comes around the age of 27 - 30 called the Saturn return. The Saturn return is, essentially the time when Saturn returns to the spot it was when you were born. If your life is not where it should be, everything gets sort of screwed up and you have to start over. If you don't, then you will just get another "kick in the ass" and the next Saturn Return (which is why you see some whacked out 65 year olds who dump their lives and start anew)
I think my brother started his a year early this year. I actually know a few guys that had their Saturn returns this year. We just all got our asses kicked. But, like I said, this is all a blessing in disguise.
Next lesson learned...
You CAN choose to be happy. If you don't believe anything I say, please believe this. I am the first person in the world that would ever discount this rule. For goodness sakes, I spent 6 months locked in my room depressed (literally!). But, it is true, you can choose it. It really is quite simple. It involves a choice. Getting stuck in depression is a comfort zone ya see. We get comfortable thinking about our painful past. We lived through it; we know it and we are safe there. We feel comfortable wallowing in our own self-pity and insecurity because it is easy. It is a lot harder to be happy, that is scary, and that takes us into the unknown, into the impossible, into the infinite, into the future. It is out of our comfort zone to actually love ourselves, despite our flaws, despite the fact that we might not have everything but we may have something. It is scary to be happy with someone else, or at a new job, or at a new school. We get happy, we get scared, we get hurt. It is a vicious cycle. But, it does not have to be that way. All you have to do is choose happiness every single morning.
I was talking to someone yesterday about it when they were less than happy. I reminded them of Peter Pan, a boy I refer to many times when thinking of inspiration. They could only fly when they thought happy thoughts. They fell out of the sky when they thought of anything bad. Of course, I am not saying we can be goody Pollyanna’s all the time. We are human, we
cry. But isn't it nice to know, that it is ok to be happy and it is something that we do have control over? I mean I know that some days we are so stuck in that place where the world looks like crap and all we want to do is curl on the sofa in are comfy sweats eating ice cream and watching sex and the city episodes while we can pretend what is going on "out there" isn't really happening. I know sometimes the tears will come so fast we feel like we might choke on them. It is just easier to get out of. Harder to stay down for the count, if you know that you are putting yourself there.
Next lesson...
Hold onto your friends as tight as you hold onto your closest family members. This is not a suggestion this is a downright demand. I have made some mistakes this past year, letting some friends go for petty stupid arguments. Other friends have made mistakes as well. Thank God, at years end we can all sit down together and laugh through how stupid we all were and the friendships that were damaged are working toward building again. I think, regarding one of my most important friendships (and you know who you are), I was upset because I wanted things to be the way things were, instead of accepting the way things were becoming. Friendships, just like relationships, can change. And while someone may not be in my life every day like they used to, they can always be "with me." Old friendships will go through cycles and yet if they are strong, they will remain in your life forever.
At years end me and everyone around me find ourselves in the calm before the storm. I had talked of the supernova a while ago and I feel it started to explode. None of us know what the hell we are doing. We started school again. We started grad school again. We got new jobs. We lost jobs. We got rid of old relationships. We said goodbyes. We said some new hellos. We lost beliefs we held dear. Whatever happened, it is an understatement to say we all got that rug pulled out from underneath us. We are now all left standing with questions rather than answers, something that would piss off any Kaplan. But, this year has been about living with the questions, and for some reason that gives me more satisfaction than any answer could. An answer means an ending, and this year, sometimes painful and sometimes more beautiful than words can know, is about new beginnings.
So, sorry if this made no sense at all, but Happy Birthday to me anyway. I am now OLD!!!!! :)
Year End Highlights (from what I remember hehe)
- Getting wasted on New Years 2003 with Rachelle and Lyndsey and all those guys from high school i had not seen in a longggggg time. Kissing 5 of my friends (guys and girls hahahaha) at midnight because of said wastedness.
- Coachella this summer. The concerts were awesome and getting to the front row of the pit was amazing! The whole weekend was an adventure. BUT I have to say what sticks out in my mind now is how much I am a warrior for getting trampled and knocked unconscious in the pit of a concert baby!!! HHAHA
- Going clubbing at Rage with Brandon and allllll those HOT HOT men. Yeah too bad none of them wanted anything to do with me because I had female parts hehe. But, actually that is what makes clubbing with them fun. I can dance with them without having to worry about what their idea of dancing is. See their idea of dancing was dancing, not rubbing their hard on up against you.
- Probably the biggest EVENT of the year. Ethan and Amy - the wedding saga. I could spend a novel describing what the few months leading up to August 7th were like, but just rent My Big Fat Greek Wedding and replace the Greek with Jewish and you will get a pretty good idea. The day was gorgeous though. Amy looked breathtaking. Ethan looked handsome. Hell, I looked damn good as well ;)
The wedding was fun and I have to say the after party was HELLLLLLAAAAA FUN!!!!
- Amy's bachlerette party. I am not going to get into this. Vegas. Table dancing. Handcuffs. Drunk. We do not need to go any further.
- All the trillion concerts I went to.
- My REM groupie tour. We just talked about this so I will not bore you again with the details
- Spending the summer with my girls doing nothing anyone but us would understand. No one but us will understand how we can watch the same episode of Sex and the City 10 times and not get sick of it. No one but us will not get weirded out by out idiosyncrasies. This was the laid back summer compared to last, but in a way it was perfect.
- Getting closer with my mom.
- Escaping to Santa Barbara at a moments notice
This might be long but it is less than 12 hours until my 23 birthday so I can ge away with everything
This year has been about changes. I have been going through cycles (literally) of intense passion and intense apathy. I have gone through the ups and downs and euphoria and depression. I have seen despair, pain, love, joy, wonder, and most of all questions and answers. I have seen questions in everything this year; I have found answers in many. I have been witness to things I have found painful to watch or witness to things I wish others did not have to go through. I also have been witness to some of the most beautiful things I might ever see. The ebb and flow of life has caused chaos for me this year, but the good kind. It has caused me to throw away any attachments I have had to any plan I thought I had, any thought I had at the way I thought things "should be" and sort of let things unfold as the way they were supposed to be. What came of it was one of the most chaotically beautiful and educational years of my life.
And this is what I learned...
Obstacles are blessings and sometimes we need them. There is a plan for us all and if God does not like the plan we are following he just might pull the rug out from underneath us. Think of it this way, you would rather have the band-aid ripped off fast then slowly and painfully. This year there were many rugs pulled out from underneath me and the people I know. I think we were all left standing with our hands in the air asking, "Well what now"? We thought we saw grad school in our future, or a wedding, certain people alive, certain jobs, and maybe even a whole entire life plan if we were that anal. And suddenly the band-aid was pulled off and we were left with an open wound and that picture we painted no longer exists. Here lies he blessing. Once the band-aid is off, the wound can heal. Once the air is clear, we can paint whatever new pictures we want. We can go back to grad school. We can defy our family and do whatever job we want. We can go back to regular school and prove everyone wrong. We can do whatever we want to do because that is what we are supposed to do. Paulo Coelho said, "to realize ones own destiny is ones only obligation in life." Well what some of us thought was our destiny, just wasn't.
Many know of the celestial kick in the ass that comes around the age of 27 - 30 called the Saturn return. The Saturn return is, essentially the time when Saturn returns to the spot it was when you were born. If your life is not where it should be, everything gets sort of screwed up and you have to start over. If you don't, then you will just get another "kick in the ass" and the next Saturn Return (which is why you see some whacked out 65 year olds who dump their lives and start anew)
I think my brother started his a year early this year. I actually know a few guys that had their Saturn returns this year. We just all got our asses kicked. But, like I said, this is all a blessing in disguise.
Next lesson learned...
You CAN choose to be happy. If you don't believe anything I say, please believe this. I am the first person in the world that would ever discount this rule. For goodness sakes, I spent 6 months locked in my room depressed (literally!). But, it is true, you can choose it. It really is quite simple. It involves a choice. Getting stuck in depression is a comfort zone ya see. We get comfortable thinking about our painful past. We lived through it; we know it and we are safe there. We feel comfortable wallowing in our own self-pity and insecurity because it is easy. It is a lot harder to be happy, that is scary, and that takes us into the unknown, into the impossible, into the infinite, into the future. It is out of our comfort zone to actually love ourselves, despite our flaws, despite the fact that we might not have everything but we may have something. It is scary to be happy with someone else, or at a new job, or at a new school. We get happy, we get scared, we get hurt. It is a vicious cycle. But, it does not have to be that way. All you have to do is choose happiness every single morning.
I was talking to someone yesterday about it when they were less than happy. I reminded them of Peter Pan, a boy I refer to many times when thinking of inspiration. They could only fly when they thought happy thoughts. They fell out of the sky when they thought of anything bad. Of course, I am not saying we can be goody Pollyanna’s all the time. We are human, we
cry. But isn't it nice to know, that it is ok to be happy and it is something that we do have control over? I mean I know that some days we are so stuck in that place where the world looks like crap and all we want to do is curl on the sofa in are comfy sweats eating ice cream and watching sex and the city episodes while we can pretend what is going on "out there" isn't really happening. I know sometimes the tears will come so fast we feel like we might choke on them. It is just easier to get out of. Harder to stay down for the count, if you know that you are putting yourself there.
Next lesson...
Hold onto your friends as tight as you hold onto your closest family members. This is not a suggestion this is a downright demand. I have made some mistakes this past year, letting some friends go for petty stupid arguments. Other friends have made mistakes as well. Thank God, at years end we can all sit down together and laugh through how stupid we all were and the friendships that were damaged are working toward building again. I think, regarding one of my most important friendships (and you know who you are), I was upset because I wanted things to be the way things were, instead of accepting the way things were becoming. Friendships, just like relationships, can change. And while someone may not be in my life every day like they used to, they can always be "with me." Old friendships will go through cycles and yet if they are strong, they will remain in your life forever.
At years end me and everyone around me find ourselves in the calm before the storm. I had talked of the supernova a while ago and I feel it started to explode. None of us know what the hell we are doing. We started school again. We started grad school again. We got new jobs. We lost jobs. We got rid of old relationships. We said goodbyes. We said some new hellos. We lost beliefs we held dear. Whatever happened, it is an understatement to say we all got that rug pulled out from underneath us. We are now all left standing with questions rather than answers, something that would piss off any Kaplan. But, this year has been about living with the questions, and for some reason that gives me more satisfaction than any answer could. An answer means an ending, and this year, sometimes painful and sometimes more beautiful than words can know, is about new beginnings.
So, sorry if this made no sense at all, but Happy Birthday to me anyway. I am now OLD!!!!! :)
Year End Highlights (from what I remember hehe)
- Getting wasted on New Years 2003 with Rachelle and Lyndsey and all those guys from high school i had not seen in a longggggg time. Kissing 5 of my friends (guys and girls hahahaha) at midnight because of said wastedness.
- Coachella this summer. The concerts were awesome and getting to the front row of the pit was amazing! The whole weekend was an adventure. BUT I have to say what sticks out in my mind now is how much I am a warrior for getting trampled and knocked unconscious in the pit of a concert baby!!! HHAHA
- Going clubbing at Rage with Brandon and allllll those HOT HOT men. Yeah too bad none of them wanted anything to do with me because I had female parts hehe. But, actually that is what makes clubbing with them fun. I can dance with them without having to worry about what their idea of dancing is. See their idea of dancing was dancing, not rubbing their hard on up against you.
- Probably the biggest EVENT of the year. Ethan and Amy - the wedding saga. I could spend a novel describing what the few months leading up to August 7th were like, but just rent My Big Fat Greek Wedding and replace the Greek with Jewish and you will get a pretty good idea. The day was gorgeous though. Amy looked breathtaking. Ethan looked handsome. Hell, I looked damn good as well ;)
The wedding was fun and I have to say the after party was HELLLLLLAAAAA FUN!!!!
- Amy's bachlerette party. I am not going to get into this. Vegas. Table dancing. Handcuffs. Drunk. We do not need to go any further.
- All the trillion concerts I went to.
- My REM groupie tour. We just talked about this so I will not bore you again with the details
- Spending the summer with my girls doing nothing anyone but us would understand. No one but us will understand how we can watch the same episode of Sex and the City 10 times and not get sick of it. No one but us will not get weirded out by out idiosyncrasies. This was the laid back summer compared to last, but in a way it was perfect.
- Getting closer with my mom.
- Escaping to Santa Barbara at a moments notice
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Connections a slight buzz and the continuing story of a mystery call
It would be a little easier to explain the way I am if one knew the way I grew up. Some people call the way I grew up naive. I call it lucky I have come to know that we do not expect what we do not know. For example, that is why many woman who had abusive fathers end up in abusive relationships, it is all they know.
So I grew up with really smart people around me. I grew up with smart, successful, strong, dignified, chivalrous, and genuine men. I grew up with graceful, strong, proud, and confident women. I know I am turning into one of these women and only associate myself with these types of men...it is all I know. This is why it REALLY PISSES ME OFF to see one of my beautiful, smart, confident girlfriends with asshole shithead guys!!!! It really pisses me off when said guys hurt said friend. There are some great guys out there. I know tons of them. I am going to start hiring them to kick these loser guys' asses. Mini rant over. :)
So I got my history test back and in no way did I deserve the A I got. Yes, this is the history class with the hot and smart teacher. So at best I deserved a B on that test. My conclusion is hot teacher is either an easy grader or he also thinks someone has a seductive smile haha. All kidding aside, I think he was just being nice to little ole me. I am not complaining though, I might end up getting straight A's this semester after all.
The birthday buzz is starting. Saturday Amy and Ethan have planned a concert I have been wanting to go to. Steve and Brendan are joining. Sunday is the family traditional thing. Oh joy. So Nir always comes with me to be my support through it all, and sometimes a few other friends. Lyndsey and Rachelle obviously can't be there this year because they have a slight case of the outofstates so I was really relying on Nir. Now tell me if I am being all selfish...BUT this is my family lunch thing. My family likes Nir's girlfriend and everything of course. They have known her since she was little. But, they are not close with her. I am not close with her anymore. Nir is supposed to be coming for me! Yet when I called to talk to him about Sunday he asked if he could bring her and what was I supposed to say? I can't be a mean girl and say no but how weird is that? It is a family thing. I can understand her coming to a friend thing. Or I could just be being a prissy girl.
So, moving on...
The following Saturday, since Simone’s birthday is near mine, me, some of the girls and some guys are going clubbing. Good thing, I need to let off steam but these guys better be some damn good dancers or they so are not dancing with me. haha Seriously though it will be fun to hang out with the girls for our birthdays. I have not seen Simone in over a month. And, speaking of long time no see, there is the Anna situation. Anna, I had not seen or talked to since February, until last night. I cannot for the life of me remember why we fought to begin with and neither can she. But for some reason we had a fight and being that the only person more stubborn than I am is Anna, we just stopped talking. Simone split her time between us but with our looming birthdays Anna bit the bullet and IM'd me last night. Here is the thing with Anna. I did not talk to her for months and yet nothing changed. We forgot that we hada fight and just jumped right into being friends again, which usually consists of:
(Warning taken from an actual IM)
Anna - Hey Bitch
Rachel - Hey You
Anna - still causing trouble you horny scorpion?
Rachel - as always
Anna - thought so
Rachel - I miss your ass
Anna - I miss your ass
Rachel - I miss grabbing yours
So anyway, the rest gets censored haha. But, I get to see Anna next Saturday. Which to me is the best birthday present in the world. I seriously can't remember why we had a fight. I don't think it even matters anymore.
So all in all the birthday month plans are looking good so far. Of course, those can't be the only plans hehe, but it is early yet. :)
So, I got another call from mystery private caller last night, Luckily, I did not give him a chance to say much before I hung up. It was at about 2 o clock AM, around the same time as last time. I would not have answered but I thought it was someone else. Serves me right for answering a caller ID blocked number; I should know better. It is not freaking me out anymore. I mean, what he says is sooooooo vulgar and gross and perverted. But, it is just pissing me off that I don't know who it is. I have a slight feeling that it is a friend of a certain guy, but nothing is concrete. One thing is for sure; I am not answering any caller ID blocked numbers anymore, at least none that come late at night.
I really truly am so happy right now about reconnecting with Anna. It is amazing what impact friendships can have. Some friends become family we make for ourselves. I consider myself lucky to have such a large family. I think it is growing by the years. People I love surround me and at this time of year, nothing could be better. Well...almost nothing;)
It would be a little easier to explain the way I am if one knew the way I grew up. Some people call the way I grew up naive. I call it lucky I have come to know that we do not expect what we do not know. For example, that is why many woman who had abusive fathers end up in abusive relationships, it is all they know.
So I grew up with really smart people around me. I grew up with smart, successful, strong, dignified, chivalrous, and genuine men. I grew up with graceful, strong, proud, and confident women. I know I am turning into one of these women and only associate myself with these types of men...it is all I know. This is why it REALLY PISSES ME OFF to see one of my beautiful, smart, confident girlfriends with asshole shithead guys!!!! It really pisses me off when said guys hurt said friend. There are some great guys out there. I know tons of them. I am going to start hiring them to kick these loser guys' asses. Mini rant over. :)
So I got my history test back and in no way did I deserve the A I got. Yes, this is the history class with the hot and smart teacher. So at best I deserved a B on that test. My conclusion is hot teacher is either an easy grader or he also thinks someone has a seductive smile haha. All kidding aside, I think he was just being nice to little ole me. I am not complaining though, I might end up getting straight A's this semester after all.
The birthday buzz is starting. Saturday Amy and Ethan have planned a concert I have been wanting to go to. Steve and Brendan are joining. Sunday is the family traditional thing. Oh joy. So Nir always comes with me to be my support through it all, and sometimes a few other friends. Lyndsey and Rachelle obviously can't be there this year because they have a slight case of the outofstates so I was really relying on Nir. Now tell me if I am being all selfish...BUT this is my family lunch thing. My family likes Nir's girlfriend and everything of course. They have known her since she was little. But, they are not close with her. I am not close with her anymore. Nir is supposed to be coming for me! Yet when I called to talk to him about Sunday he asked if he could bring her and what was I supposed to say? I can't be a mean girl and say no but how weird is that? It is a family thing. I can understand her coming to a friend thing. Or I could just be being a prissy girl.
So, moving on...
The following Saturday, since Simone’s birthday is near mine, me, some of the girls and some guys are going clubbing. Good thing, I need to let off steam but these guys better be some damn good dancers or they so are not dancing with me. haha Seriously though it will be fun to hang out with the girls for our birthdays. I have not seen Simone in over a month. And, speaking of long time no see, there is the Anna situation. Anna, I had not seen or talked to since February, until last night. I cannot for the life of me remember why we fought to begin with and neither can she. But for some reason we had a fight and being that the only person more stubborn than I am is Anna, we just stopped talking. Simone split her time between us but with our looming birthdays Anna bit the bullet and IM'd me last night. Here is the thing with Anna. I did not talk to her for months and yet nothing changed. We forgot that we hada fight and just jumped right into being friends again, which usually consists of:
(Warning taken from an actual IM)
Anna - Hey Bitch
Rachel - Hey You
Anna - still causing trouble you horny scorpion?
Rachel - as always
Anna - thought so
Rachel - I miss your ass
Anna - I miss your ass
Rachel - I miss grabbing yours
So anyway, the rest gets censored haha. But, I get to see Anna next Saturday. Which to me is the best birthday present in the world. I seriously can't remember why we had a fight. I don't think it even matters anymore.
So all in all the birthday month plans are looking good so far. Of course, those can't be the only plans hehe, but it is early yet. :)
So, I got another call from mystery private caller last night, Luckily, I did not give him a chance to say much before I hung up. It was at about 2 o clock AM, around the same time as last time. I would not have answered but I thought it was someone else. Serves me right for answering a caller ID blocked number; I should know better. It is not freaking me out anymore. I mean, what he says is sooooooo vulgar and gross and perverted. But, it is just pissing me off that I don't know who it is. I have a slight feeling that it is a friend of a certain guy, but nothing is concrete. One thing is for sure; I am not answering any caller ID blocked numbers anymore, at least none that come late at night.
I really truly am so happy right now about reconnecting with Anna. It is amazing what impact friendships can have. Some friends become family we make for ourselves. I consider myself lucky to have such a large family. I think it is growing by the years. People I love surround me and at this time of year, nothing could be better. Well...almost nothing;)
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Today the world continues to spin. In honor of that I made a list of my favorite things. Ya know in the sound of music there is a storm outside, as soon as the children talked about their favorite things, it would not have mattered if the sky were falling, they retreated to their own little bubble. So, without further delay I give you my favorite things…
Casablanca lilies, orange roses, R.E.M, the feel of soft cotton sheets on naked skin, Clover, the sun over Palm Beach in Aruba, a harvest moon, having someone to cuddle with you to warm you up, sour patch kids, any kind of diamond as long as it is high class and good cut, sunglasses (mostly Fendi and Dolce), getting lost in a good book, getting lost in a good kiss, the feel of the hot sun of my body during the summer, the smell of a bonfire at the beach, swimming in he ocean at night, dancing around my room to loud cheesy music, doing anything possible to make my friends laugh, making babies laugh, my dog Boris, my dog Sugar, my cat Ebony, Via National in Rome which has the best shopping EVER!, the old city of Jerusalem in Israel, diet coke, chocolate, chocolate truffles, chocolate fudge, chocolate ice cream, chocolate cake, chocolate brownies, my black pearl ring, blue topaz, tanzanite, going shopping with my mom since it is our neutral zone and the only time we seem to not fight, my grandma’s sense of class and grace, knowing that when I am old I will have the same sense of class and grace (good genes!!!), the smell of coconut oil, the smell of fresh strawberries, TiVO, my IPOD, Sex and the CIty, hip bones, my hip bones, eyes (especially green or really dark blue), warm hot tea with honey, raw chocolate chip cookie dough, cookies n cream ice cream, faux hawks, black rimmed glasses, singing along with a bad voice, 5 o clock shadow (on a guy), hot doctors, things that sparkle, laughing so hard your stomach gets sore, crying at a really sad movie, getting scared at a really scary movie, laughing at a really funny movie, getting my tummy touched until I feel like I might not be able to take anymore, talking to my girlfriends without actually having to say a word, having a secret code with my girlfriends no guy would ever understand, giving a guy a look only he would understand, cosabella panties, juicy couture sweat suits, being tickled,all of my many many favorite bands,all of my many many favorite books, runners high, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a really really good hamburger, the way you can make someone more confident just by telling them how awesome their ass looks in those jeans, a really good steak, black jack, winning at black jack, dancing all night, my Tibetan wish ring, my charm bracelet, Jim Carrey, Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, my grandfather being the smartest man in the universe, love it all its shapes and sizes, feeling the freedom of bungee jumping, Frankie B jeans, laughing just for the hell of it, crying just for the hell of it, the way a guy smells just after a shower, The Beatles in all their perfection, Michael Stipe’s blue eye shadow, seeing random acts of kindness, being wicked, the word wicked, passion fruit, honey roasted peanuts, a really good politically incorrect joke and last but not least…..the feeling that nothing can happen to get rid of any of our favorite things. EVER!
God Bless America! (For they sell French panties and Swiss chocolate. )
Casablanca lilies, orange roses, R.E.M, the feel of soft cotton sheets on naked skin, Clover, the sun over Palm Beach in Aruba, a harvest moon, having someone to cuddle with you to warm you up, sour patch kids, any kind of diamond as long as it is high class and good cut, sunglasses (mostly Fendi and Dolce), getting lost in a good book, getting lost in a good kiss, the feel of the hot sun of my body during the summer, the smell of a bonfire at the beach, swimming in he ocean at night, dancing around my room to loud cheesy music, doing anything possible to make my friends laugh, making babies laugh, my dog Boris, my dog Sugar, my cat Ebony, Via National in Rome which has the best shopping EVER!, the old city of Jerusalem in Israel, diet coke, chocolate, chocolate truffles, chocolate fudge, chocolate ice cream, chocolate cake, chocolate brownies, my black pearl ring, blue topaz, tanzanite, going shopping with my mom since it is our neutral zone and the only time we seem to not fight, my grandma’s sense of class and grace, knowing that when I am old I will have the same sense of class and grace (good genes!!!), the smell of coconut oil, the smell of fresh strawberries, TiVO, my IPOD, Sex and the CIty, hip bones, my hip bones, eyes (especially green or really dark blue), warm hot tea with honey, raw chocolate chip cookie dough, cookies n cream ice cream, faux hawks, black rimmed glasses, singing along with a bad voice, 5 o clock shadow (on a guy), hot doctors, things that sparkle, laughing so hard your stomach gets sore, crying at a really sad movie, getting scared at a really scary movie, laughing at a really funny movie, getting my tummy touched until I feel like I might not be able to take anymore, talking to my girlfriends without actually having to say a word, having a secret code with my girlfriends no guy would ever understand, giving a guy a look only he would understand, cosabella panties, juicy couture sweat suits, being tickled,all of my many many favorite bands,all of my many many favorite books, runners high, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a really really good hamburger, the way you can make someone more confident just by telling them how awesome their ass looks in those jeans, a really good steak, black jack, winning at black jack, dancing all night, my Tibetan wish ring, my charm bracelet, Jim Carrey, Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, my grandfather being the smartest man in the universe, love it all its shapes and sizes, feeling the freedom of bungee jumping, Frankie B jeans, laughing just for the hell of it, crying just for the hell of it, the way a guy smells just after a shower, The Beatles in all their perfection, Michael Stipe’s blue eye shadow, seeing random acts of kindness, being wicked, the word wicked, passion fruit, honey roasted peanuts, a really good politically incorrect joke and last but not least…..the feeling that nothing can happen to get rid of any of our favorite things. EVER!
God Bless America! (For they sell French panties and Swiss chocolate. )
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
I really do not have anything to write today. I hope everyone voted. I voted. We all know whom I voted for. I have nothing to add. Republicans surround me. I woke up to republican text messages.
There is this guy on CNN named Tucker. He is wearing a RED BOW TIE! Dear god, who dresses some of these people?! He looks like a goober. How can anyone take whatever his opinion is seriously? He is wearing a blue shirt with a red bow tie. It is crooked too. I have just been informed that he always wears this?! Does he know that he looks ridiculous? I guess he is the "conservative" commentator for CNN. Well my my, doesn't he give conservative's sense of style a bad name. HAHA
I really have so much nervous energy I need to get out. I am running around in circles here. I could go see a scary movie. Oh but wait. NO ONE WILL SEE ONE WITH ME! Yeah I now have every friend of mine refusing to see a scary movie with me. Seriously this sucks. What the holy hell man! Everyone, and I mean everyone has now told me they will no longer see a scary movie with me anymore. This is downright ridiculous. I might have to do some drugging and dragging. I am not that bad people I swear. I want to see scary movie!!!! Ohhhhhh the adrenaline rush! It is like a drug. :)
I could also dance around. But, I don't have that kind of nervous energy. I have the type of nervous energy that requires an adrenaline rush. It is the excitement energy. It is the combination of birthday fever. Life fever. Energy. Energy. Energy. I am an adrenaline junkie.
So, in honor of not wanting to sit and watch TV as the clock ticks on by I will blare the cheesy dance tunes, put on some dance tunes and do what I have not done in a long time. I will dance. I will actually do some hard-core dancing. I will put on my dance mix, Tiesto, Fatboy Slim, Christina, Britney, Dj Shadow, you name it and it is there, for my liking. I am going to turn it up so loud the neighbors complain. "It's a wonderful night, you can't take that away from me." Oh yeah baby. And my hips are shaking and I can turn like a spinning top. And no one can take that away from me. Dance is something that is all mine. The world goes away. The world is perfect. Tell me who wins tomorrow.
And being that I have nothing to write I leave you with a quote of someone else’s, I have to take up space somehow. I just realized I am writing about bow ties and dancing so something substantial has to be said, even if the words are not mine...
You need not leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, simply wait. Just learn to become quiet, and still, and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.
-Franz Kafka
There is this guy on CNN named Tucker. He is wearing a RED BOW TIE! Dear god, who dresses some of these people?! He looks like a goober. How can anyone take whatever his opinion is seriously? He is wearing a blue shirt with a red bow tie. It is crooked too. I have just been informed that he always wears this?! Does he know that he looks ridiculous? I guess he is the "conservative" commentator for CNN. Well my my, doesn't he give conservative's sense of style a bad name. HAHA
I really have so much nervous energy I need to get out. I am running around in circles here. I could go see a scary movie. Oh but wait. NO ONE WILL SEE ONE WITH ME! Yeah I now have every friend of mine refusing to see a scary movie with me. Seriously this sucks. What the holy hell man! Everyone, and I mean everyone has now told me they will no longer see a scary movie with me anymore. This is downright ridiculous. I might have to do some drugging and dragging. I am not that bad people I swear. I want to see scary movie!!!! Ohhhhhh the adrenaline rush! It is like a drug. :)
I could also dance around. But, I don't have that kind of nervous energy. I have the type of nervous energy that requires an adrenaline rush. It is the excitement energy. It is the combination of birthday fever. Life fever. Energy. Energy. Energy. I am an adrenaline junkie.
So, in honor of not wanting to sit and watch TV as the clock ticks on by I will blare the cheesy dance tunes, put on some dance tunes and do what I have not done in a long time. I will dance. I will actually do some hard-core dancing. I will put on my dance mix, Tiesto, Fatboy Slim, Christina, Britney, Dj Shadow, you name it and it is there, for my liking. I am going to turn it up so loud the neighbors complain. "It's a wonderful night, you can't take that away from me." Oh yeah baby. And my hips are shaking and I can turn like a spinning top. And no one can take that away from me. Dance is something that is all mine. The world goes away. The world is perfect. Tell me who wins tomorrow.
And being that I have nothing to write I leave you with a quote of someone else’s, I have to take up space somehow. I just realized I am writing about bow ties and dancing so something substantial has to be said, even if the words are not mine...
You need not leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, simply wait. Just learn to become quiet, and still, and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.
-Franz Kafka
Monday, November 01, 2004
A few more random nothings from yours truly...
Note to self - no matter how much me and Amy are the best of friends now, a sex talk might always be awkward. Last night we went to dinner and one was attempted. The problem is I know he is always indirectly talking about my brother. The other problem is she will now always look at me like a little sister so she really does not like to hear who I want to get naked with. No matter how hard we try on this subject, "ewws" and "tmis" always get shouted at each other. We might have to leave this topic alone. It was bad enough giving her chocolate lickable body frosting for her bachlorette party. haha
Around midnight last night I fell into one of my moods. It is common knowledge that I am happy all the time. The moods are rare but they come. I did not know why I fell into depression. But once it hit a snowball effect followed and I found myself depressed about everything. For the past year of my life I have found the perfect balance of having passion about life yet not really caring about anything. The problem is I have become apathetic (slightly). I really have not cared about anything, anyone, any event... I have become hard. This means at times I am hard about my life too.
So I was sitting in my room last night and I looked over at Clover, my good luck charm, and realized how much good luck Clover has truly brought me. It made me cry. Did I really deserve it? Should I care more?
I have a wonderful family. I have amazing friends. I have some amazing new friends. I have a great job. If I lost any of it, what would happen?
This of course started the snowball effect. The common questions arose. What was my purpose? What was I here for? Am I smart enough? Am I beautiful enough? I could not come up with a single answer. Not one. That was ok. I am fine with not knowing. I just wish I knew something rather than nothing.
I wish I knew if I were to be a successful writer. I wish I knew if I were to be happy. I wish I knew where I would be in a year.
Around one in the morning I looked at myself in the mirror and realized how freaking silly I was being. The only thing that was happening was that little devil inside telling me I was not good/smart enough. I was falling into the common trap...the self pity trap. The real voice inside knew that everything is in the right place. The real me knows I am good enough. The real me knows I know how to care. The real me knows all of that. So I started laughing. I laughed for a bit and put on some music. I called a few people, my friends, and went back to life. I went to sleep last night around 3 in an extremely peaceful state. Everything was all right with the world. Everything was all right with my life. I was content once again. The hour of depression was just a minor glitch in the system. Maybe it was a wake up call, telling me it is ok to not be happy all the time. Whatever it was, I feel better today then I have in a long time. My life has its flaws. I may not be smart enough. I may not be good enough. But, I am good enough for me, and I guess that is all that matters
Note to self - When feeling depressed, you can make a choice to get out of it. Usually Clover helps.
Note to EVERYONE else - NOVEMBER 6th is just a few days away hehehehe
Note to self - no matter how much me and Amy are the best of friends now, a sex talk might always be awkward. Last night we went to dinner and one was attempted. The problem is I know he is always indirectly talking about my brother. The other problem is she will now always look at me like a little sister so she really does not like to hear who I want to get naked with. No matter how hard we try on this subject, "ewws" and "tmis" always get shouted at each other. We might have to leave this topic alone. It was bad enough giving her chocolate lickable body frosting for her bachlorette party. haha
Around midnight last night I fell into one of my moods. It is common knowledge that I am happy all the time. The moods are rare but they come. I did not know why I fell into depression. But once it hit a snowball effect followed and I found myself depressed about everything. For the past year of my life I have found the perfect balance of having passion about life yet not really caring about anything. The problem is I have become apathetic (slightly). I really have not cared about anything, anyone, any event... I have become hard. This means at times I am hard about my life too.
So I was sitting in my room last night and I looked over at Clover, my good luck charm, and realized how much good luck Clover has truly brought me. It made me cry. Did I really deserve it? Should I care more?
I have a wonderful family. I have amazing friends. I have some amazing new friends. I have a great job. If I lost any of it, what would happen?
This of course started the snowball effect. The common questions arose. What was my purpose? What was I here for? Am I smart enough? Am I beautiful enough? I could not come up with a single answer. Not one. That was ok. I am fine with not knowing. I just wish I knew something rather than nothing.
I wish I knew if I were to be a successful writer. I wish I knew if I were to be happy. I wish I knew where I would be in a year.
Around one in the morning I looked at myself in the mirror and realized how freaking silly I was being. The only thing that was happening was that little devil inside telling me I was not good/smart enough. I was falling into the common trap...the self pity trap. The real voice inside knew that everything is in the right place. The real me knows I am good enough. The real me knows I know how to care. The real me knows all of that. So I started laughing. I laughed for a bit and put on some music. I called a few people, my friends, and went back to life. I went to sleep last night around 3 in an extremely peaceful state. Everything was all right with the world. Everything was all right with my life. I was content once again. The hour of depression was just a minor glitch in the system. Maybe it was a wake up call, telling me it is ok to not be happy all the time. Whatever it was, I feel better today then I have in a long time. My life has its flaws. I may not be smart enough. I may not be good enough. But, I am good enough for me, and I guess that is all that matters
Note to self - When feeling depressed, you can make a choice to get out of it. Usually Clover helps.
Note to EVERYONE else - NOVEMBER 6th is just a few days away hehehehe
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)