Monday, November 01, 2004

A few more random nothings from yours truly...

Note to self - no matter how much me and Amy are the best of friends now, a sex talk might always be awkward. Last night we went to dinner and one was attempted. The problem is I know he is always indirectly talking about my brother. The other problem is she will now always look at me like a little sister so she really does not like to hear who I want to get naked with. No matter how hard we try on this subject, "ewws" and "tmis" always get shouted at each other. We might have to leave this topic alone. It was bad enough giving her chocolate lickable body frosting for her bachlorette party. haha

Around midnight last night I fell into one of my moods. It is common knowledge that I am happy all the time. The moods are rare but they come. I did not know why I fell into depression. But once it hit a snowball effect followed and I found myself depressed about everything. For the past year of my life I have found the perfect balance of having passion about life yet not really caring about anything. The problem is I have become apathetic (slightly). I really have not cared about anything, anyone, any event... I have become hard. This means at times I am hard about my life too.

So I was sitting in my room last night and I looked over at Clover, my good luck charm, and realized how much good luck Clover has truly brought me. It made me cry. Did I really deserve it? Should I care more?

I have a wonderful family. I have amazing friends. I have some amazing new friends. I have a great job. If I lost any of it, what would happen?

This of course started the snowball effect. The common questions arose. What was my purpose? What was I here for? Am I smart enough? Am I beautiful enough? I could not come up with a single answer. Not one. That was ok. I am fine with not knowing. I just wish I knew something rather than nothing.
I wish I knew if I were to be a successful writer. I wish I knew if I were to be happy. I wish I knew where I would be in a year.

Around one in the morning I looked at myself in the mirror and realized how freaking silly I was being. The only thing that was happening was that little devil inside telling me I was not good/smart enough. I was falling into the common trap...the self pity trap. The real voice inside knew that everything is in the right place. The real me knows I am good enough. The real me knows I know how to care. The real me knows all of that. So I started laughing. I laughed for a bit and put on some music. I called a few people, my friends, and went back to life. I went to sleep last night around 3 in an extremely peaceful state. Everything was all right with the world. Everything was all right with my life. I was content once again. The hour of depression was just a minor glitch in the system. Maybe it was a wake up call, telling me it is ok to not be happy all the time. Whatever it was, I feel better today then I have in a long time. My life has its flaws. I may not be smart enough. I may not be good enough. But, I am good enough for me, and I guess that is all that matters

Note to self - When feeling depressed, you can make a choice to get out of it. Usually Clover helps.

Note to EVERYONE else - NOVEMBER 6th is just a few days away hehehehe

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