Friday, November 05, 2004

A few things that just need to be said. Actually there are many things that need to be said. I apologize first, if it all comes out like a bunch of mush.

This might be long but it is less than 12 hours until my 23 birthday so I can ge away with everything

This year has been about changes. I have been going through cycles (literally) of intense passion and intense apathy. I have gone through the ups and downs and euphoria and depression. I have seen despair, pain, love, joy, wonder, and most of all questions and answers. I have seen questions in everything this year; I have found answers in many. I have been witness to things I have found painful to watch or witness to things I wish others did not have to go through. I also have been witness to some of the most beautiful things I might ever see. The ebb and flow of life has caused chaos for me this year, but the good kind. It has caused me to throw away any attachments I have had to any plan I thought I had, any thought I had at the way I thought things "should be" and sort of let things unfold as the way they were supposed to be. What came of it was one of the most chaotically beautiful and educational years of my life.

And this is what I learned...

Obstacles are blessings and sometimes we need them. There is a plan for us all and if God does not like the plan we are following he just might pull the rug out from underneath us. Think of it this way, you would rather have the band-aid ripped off fast then slowly and painfully. This year there were many rugs pulled out from underneath me and the people I know. I think we were all left standing with our hands in the air asking, "Well what now"? We thought we saw grad school in our future, or a wedding, certain people alive, certain jobs, and maybe even a whole entire life plan if we were that anal. And suddenly the band-aid was pulled off and we were left with an open wound and that picture we painted no longer exists. Here lies he blessing. Once the band-aid is off, the wound can heal. Once the air is clear, we can paint whatever new pictures we want. We can go back to grad school. We can defy our family and do whatever job we want. We can go back to regular school and prove everyone wrong. We can do whatever we want to do because that is what we are supposed to do. Paulo Coelho said, "to realize ones own destiny is ones only obligation in life." Well what some of us thought was our destiny, just wasn't.

Many know of the celestial kick in the ass that comes around the age of 27 - 30 called the Saturn return. The Saturn return is, essentially the time when Saturn returns to the spot it was when you were born. If your life is not where it should be, everything gets sort of screwed up and you have to start over. If you don't, then you will just get another "kick in the ass" and the next Saturn Return (which is why you see some whacked out 65 year olds who dump their lives and start anew)
I think my brother started his a year early this year. I actually know a few guys that had their Saturn returns this year. We just all got our asses kicked. But, like I said, this is all a blessing in disguise.

Next lesson learned...

You CAN choose to be happy. If you don't believe anything I say, please believe this. I am the first person in the world that would ever discount this rule. For goodness sakes, I spent 6 months locked in my room depressed (literally!). But, it is true, you can choose it. It really is quite simple. It involves a choice. Getting stuck in depression is a comfort zone ya see. We get comfortable thinking about our painful past. We lived through it; we know it and we are safe there. We feel comfortable wallowing in our own self-pity and insecurity because it is easy. It is a lot harder to be happy, that is scary, and that takes us into the unknown, into the impossible, into the infinite, into the future. It is out of our comfort zone to actually love ourselves, despite our flaws, despite the fact that we might not have everything but we may have something. It is scary to be happy with someone else, or at a new job, or at a new school. We get happy, we get scared, we get hurt. It is a vicious cycle. But, it does not have to be that way. All you have to do is choose happiness every single morning.

I was talking to someone yesterday about it when they were less than happy. I reminded them of Peter Pan, a boy I refer to many times when thinking of inspiration. They could only fly when they thought happy thoughts. They fell out of the sky when they thought of anything bad. Of course, I am not saying we can be goody Pollyanna’s all the time. We are human, we
cry. But isn't it nice to know, that it is ok to be happy and it is something that we do have control over? I mean I know that some days we are so stuck in that place where the world looks like crap and all we want to do is curl on the sofa in are comfy sweats eating ice cream and watching sex and the city episodes while we can pretend what is going on "out there" isn't really happening. I know sometimes the tears will come so fast we feel like we might choke on them. It is just easier to get out of. Harder to stay down for the count, if you know that you are putting yourself there.

Next lesson...

Hold onto your friends as tight as you hold onto your closest family members. This is not a suggestion this is a downright demand. I have made some mistakes this past year, letting some friends go for petty stupid arguments. Other friends have made mistakes as well. Thank God, at years end we can all sit down together and laugh through how stupid we all were and the friendships that were damaged are working toward building again. I think, regarding one of my most important friendships (and you know who you are), I was upset because I wanted things to be the way things were, instead of accepting the way things were becoming. Friendships, just like relationships, can change. And while someone may not be in my life every day like they used to, they can always be "with me." Old friendships will go through cycles and yet if they are strong, they will remain in your life forever.

At years end me and everyone around me find ourselves in the calm before the storm. I had talked of the supernova a while ago and I feel it started to explode. None of us know what the hell we are doing. We started school again. We started grad school again. We got new jobs. We lost jobs. We got rid of old relationships. We said goodbyes. We said some new hellos. We lost beliefs we held dear. Whatever happened, it is an understatement to say we all got that rug pulled out from underneath us. We are now all left standing with questions rather than answers, something that would piss off any Kaplan. But, this year has been about living with the questions, and for some reason that gives me more satisfaction than any answer could. An answer means an ending, and this year, sometimes painful and sometimes more beautiful than words can know, is about new beginnings.

So, sorry if this made no sense at all, but Happy Birthday to me anyway. I am now OLD!!!!! :)

Year End Highlights (from what I remember hehe)

- Getting wasted on New Years 2003 with Rachelle and Lyndsey and all those guys from high school i had not seen in a longggggg time. Kissing 5 of my friends (guys and girls hahahaha) at midnight because of said wastedness.

- Coachella this summer. The concerts were awesome and getting to the front row of the pit was amazing! The whole weekend was an adventure. BUT I have to say what sticks out in my mind now is how much I am a warrior for getting trampled and knocked unconscious in the pit of a concert baby!!! HHAHA

- Going clubbing at Rage with Brandon and allllll those HOT HOT men. Yeah too bad none of them wanted anything to do with me because I had female parts hehe. But, actually that is what makes clubbing with them fun. I can dance with them without having to worry about what their idea of dancing is. See their idea of dancing was dancing, not rubbing their hard on up against you.

- Probably the biggest EVENT of the year. Ethan and Amy - the wedding saga. I could spend a novel describing what the few months leading up to August 7th were like, but just rent My Big Fat Greek Wedding and replace the Greek with Jewish and you will get a pretty good idea. The day was gorgeous though. Amy looked breathtaking. Ethan looked handsome. Hell, I looked damn good as well ;)
The wedding was fun and I have to say the after party was HELLLLLLAAAAA FUN!!!!

- Amy's bachlerette party. I am not going to get into this. Vegas. Table dancing. Handcuffs. Drunk. We do not need to go any further.

- All the trillion concerts I went to.

- My REM groupie tour. We just talked about this so I will not bore you again with the details

- Spending the summer with my girls doing nothing anyone but us would understand. No one but us will understand how we can watch the same episode of Sex and the City 10 times and not get sick of it. No one but us will not get weirded out by out idiosyncrasies. This was the laid back summer compared to last, but in a way it was perfect.

- Getting closer with my mom.

- Escaping to Santa Barbara at a moments notice

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