Is Geek the new Chic??
Ever since America fell in love with Seth Cohen, the adorable if slightly self indulgent geeky guy from Orange County, geeks have become the new fashion accessory to the fashionably inclined, gym going, pretty, if slightly arrogant, females of the American youth. We like our guys quirky, we like their hobbies to include weird obsessions with comic books, Star Wars, and indie movies. Undone hair is the new style and metrosexuals are on their way out. The question is, is all the weird obsessions and quirks reserved only for the geeks? American television seems to think so.
My boyfriend is a really big geek. Now gather he is a sexy geek but a geek nonetheless. I find myself learning more about comics than I ever cared to in the past. I am going to some Vulgarthon film festival in which I get to sit all day and watch geek movies whilst wearing a cool geek t-shirt just like all the other geeks in the room. I get to learn about the wonders and greatness of baseball card collecting while looking at a collection that fills an entire walk in closet. I get to hear about how by dating me; my boyfriend is breaking the “after Empire” rule that he and his buddies made up back in the day. Translation: I was born after Empire Strikes Back and they all made a pact not to date anyone that young. Yes their deal breaker was a Star Wars movie. Somehow, I love this man.
Then there is me. I love to shop. I love shopping like nothing else. Shopping can be therapy, a nice outing with a friend, a chance to make you feel good for a few hours, and even good old-fashioned escapism. I love literature but many times you will find me on a Sunday afternoon reading cheesy romance novels like the “Shopoholics” series and, “Bridget Jones Diary.” I love romantic movies and cheesy television shows. Now my favorite show in the world was Buffy the Vampire Slayer. However, I never reached the Buffy geek status by attending the various festivals around the country. I don’t belong to any clubs. I have no obsessions that I know of. I like what I like. I love what I love. I know what I know. Nothing takes up much time in my head. I think this might be what separates the geeks from the other people. Summer (The OC again) had no obsessions like Seth did. All she had was Princess Sparkle. Oh I have my special toys no doubt but, like Summer, I am not so obsessed with something that an outsider could tell I was obsessed with it by looking at my belongings. A part of me gets mad that pop culture only gives those “geeks” cool things to love and relishes in making the rest look like shallow cocky bitches (or assholes). Yet part of me sees some truth in the fiction. So where is the attraction?
This Summer/Seth dynamic seems to be a growing trend nowadays. The geeky guy is now appealing. The indie rock nerd, the comic book junkie, and the sci-fi geek all seem sexier. Maybe it seems they have more depth than the average beer guzzling, pot-smoking loser out there. Opposites are attracting. I don’t know a thing about baseball or comics and I have never seen Star Wars (although I remember a scene with cute furry animals from my childhood so I could have caught part of it). Yet, I am in a relationship with a geek as so many women today are. No one wants the Ryan or the Luke. They want the Seth. Seth is the new cool. Seth is the new sexy. God help us all.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Without a plan, passion goes nowhere.
In light of recent events and various discussions on my boyfriends recent birthday milestone, I have come to wonder what distinguishes my generation, the oddly named Generation Y, from the other generations of kids and adults that pop culture has clumped together in order to make sense of some things we just might not be able to make sense of.
Josh wrote in his blog at JoshuaStecker.com, that his generation, Generation X was clumped together by the fact that they were all products of the “baby boomers” and, unlike their parents before them, went out on their own, doing everything from family, marriage, and careers differently. They started their own businesses, many times before they even finished their General Education requirements. Generation X’ers did not follow the guidelines of going to college, getting a job with enough money to support a future family, getting married and having 2.5 children. They did it their own way.
So where does that leave my generation? Specifically where does that leave the women of my generation? While X’er women were hell bent on becoming top profile career women, the women of my generation seem to, and there are always exceptions, want to settle down early, have kids early, and only have jobs that would allot enough time to raise those kids by themselves. Even if you just take a look at the young women celebrities of my generation you can see the pattern. Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears were both married by the ages of 23. Christina Aguilera is engaged. Brandy is already a mother (and already divorced). It would seem we are making our own new generation modeled after the simplistic ideals of the 1950s. Now, does this mean we are regressing or just progressing in a different way?
What else makes my generation so different? Well that remains to be seen. I do know that we seem to hover between the wanting to grow up and start a family and the fear of growing up which results in taking a slow ride through college whilst still living at home for fear of being totally on our own, financially and otherwise.
All these ideas combined with the fact that, being in between jobs, I have a lot of time to think about things, makes me really contemplate my future and what it is exactly I want. It is a given that I want the children and the cute house I can call my own, but what is it I want when it comes to my future career? People start thinking about, “what they want to be when they grow up” starting when they are tiny little tots. I know I did. In the span of my lifetime I have wanted to be: a dancer, an actress, a model, a magician, an astronaut, a teacher, a writer, photographer, journalist, lawyer (yeah I know tough to imagine), and a makeup artist. What has come out of this you might ask? Well, I went to acting camp, I love posing for pictures, I danced competitively for 18 years, I taught dance for 6 years, I know a few magic tricks, I am pretty good at arguing, I take some awesome pictures, I know my way around a dark room, I love writing and sometimes can be good at it, I know some things about the stars, and do all my friends makeup pretty well. What has not come out of this….well anything really; except for at 23 I can consider myself a “Jane of all trades.”
At the moment I am left with a shitload of questions about what it is I really want to do with my future. Like so many Y’ers it is true I want the hubby with the house and the kids. But my passions also follow other directions. I want a career I genuinely love. I want to make money so I don’t have to totally rely on a husband or my family. The problem is I am at the age where I have to make a decision. I can’t decide I want to do something, learn all I can about it, and give it up in a few years because I no longer have that interest. I need to pick a focus and stay there and what I fear is I pick the wrong one. I am in college right now, taking my sweet time like many kids my age. My major is now English/Communications and my focus is on journalism. As of now, I would love to be a writer for a magazine and work on writing books on the side. However, there is always that fear of whether or not I am good enough to be a successful writer or if I should just knock it out as another one of my “hobbies” and choose something I know I would be good at all the while making some sort of income. I thought about being a teacher and could always work on my writing on the side that way. But am I just being safe with that decision? What I need is structure. What I need is a plan. However, I have always been the Queen of the no planning group and find it hard to come up with any sort of structure.
I had written before about not knowing what my talent is. Well truth be told, I know I do have talent in many things. My problem is my one lack of talent lies in my ability to find a career type job, get the proper training and education to get it, and just get it. Maybe my problem is I have a hard time picturing myself as a true financially responsible adult. I know I can get there I just don’t have a plan yet. All I know is right now is when I have to decide what the hell it is I am going to do for the rest of my life. I know what I love. I know what my passions are. I know what I am good at. I just need to figure out what that adds up to, what “career” that translates to. Seriously…I don’t know where I am going, but I know I’m going somewhere.
In light of recent events and various discussions on my boyfriends recent birthday milestone, I have come to wonder what distinguishes my generation, the oddly named Generation Y, from the other generations of kids and adults that pop culture has clumped together in order to make sense of some things we just might not be able to make sense of.
Josh wrote in his blog at JoshuaStecker.com, that his generation, Generation X was clumped together by the fact that they were all products of the “baby boomers” and, unlike their parents before them, went out on their own, doing everything from family, marriage, and careers differently. They started their own businesses, many times before they even finished their General Education requirements. Generation X’ers did not follow the guidelines of going to college, getting a job with enough money to support a future family, getting married and having 2.5 children. They did it their own way.
So where does that leave my generation? Specifically where does that leave the women of my generation? While X’er women were hell bent on becoming top profile career women, the women of my generation seem to, and there are always exceptions, want to settle down early, have kids early, and only have jobs that would allot enough time to raise those kids by themselves. Even if you just take a look at the young women celebrities of my generation you can see the pattern. Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears were both married by the ages of 23. Christina Aguilera is engaged. Brandy is already a mother (and already divorced). It would seem we are making our own new generation modeled after the simplistic ideals of the 1950s. Now, does this mean we are regressing or just progressing in a different way?
What else makes my generation so different? Well that remains to be seen. I do know that we seem to hover between the wanting to grow up and start a family and the fear of growing up which results in taking a slow ride through college whilst still living at home for fear of being totally on our own, financially and otherwise.
All these ideas combined with the fact that, being in between jobs, I have a lot of time to think about things, makes me really contemplate my future and what it is exactly I want. It is a given that I want the children and the cute house I can call my own, but what is it I want when it comes to my future career? People start thinking about, “what they want to be when they grow up” starting when they are tiny little tots. I know I did. In the span of my lifetime I have wanted to be: a dancer, an actress, a model, a magician, an astronaut, a teacher, a writer, photographer, journalist, lawyer (yeah I know tough to imagine), and a makeup artist. What has come out of this you might ask? Well, I went to acting camp, I love posing for pictures, I danced competitively for 18 years, I taught dance for 6 years, I know a few magic tricks, I am pretty good at arguing, I take some awesome pictures, I know my way around a dark room, I love writing and sometimes can be good at it, I know some things about the stars, and do all my friends makeup pretty well. What has not come out of this….well anything really; except for at 23 I can consider myself a “Jane of all trades.”
At the moment I am left with a shitload of questions about what it is I really want to do with my future. Like so many Y’ers it is true I want the hubby with the house and the kids. But my passions also follow other directions. I want a career I genuinely love. I want to make money so I don’t have to totally rely on a husband or my family. The problem is I am at the age where I have to make a decision. I can’t decide I want to do something, learn all I can about it, and give it up in a few years because I no longer have that interest. I need to pick a focus and stay there and what I fear is I pick the wrong one. I am in college right now, taking my sweet time like many kids my age. My major is now English/Communications and my focus is on journalism. As of now, I would love to be a writer for a magazine and work on writing books on the side. However, there is always that fear of whether or not I am good enough to be a successful writer or if I should just knock it out as another one of my “hobbies” and choose something I know I would be good at all the while making some sort of income. I thought about being a teacher and could always work on my writing on the side that way. But am I just being safe with that decision? What I need is structure. What I need is a plan. However, I have always been the Queen of the no planning group and find it hard to come up with any sort of structure.
I had written before about not knowing what my talent is. Well truth be told, I know I do have talent in many things. My problem is my one lack of talent lies in my ability to find a career type job, get the proper training and education to get it, and just get it. Maybe my problem is I have a hard time picturing myself as a true financially responsible adult. I know I can get there I just don’t have a plan yet. All I know is right now is when I have to decide what the hell it is I am going to do for the rest of my life. I know what I love. I know what my passions are. I know what I am good at. I just need to figure out what that adds up to, what “career” that translates to. Seriously…I don’t know where I am going, but I know I’m going somewhere.
Monday, February 14, 2005
I love the holidays. I don’t care how commercial they have become or how cheesy we make them out to be. Holidays are like natural serotonin reuptake inhibitors. People just feel good. So in honor of today’s holiday, which is one of my favorites, I must play tribute.
Valentine’s Day is, to some, a day when even though you know you love your partner 365 days a year, you get to celebrate it for one day like LOVE is it’s own holiday. Christians love Jesus all year but regard Christmas to celebrate his birth. Jew’s love the Torah all year, but celebrate that Torah on one holiday. Simchat Torah. So why do people choose to boycott this holiday when all it is is a good excuse to celebrate the one emotion we could never live without? There are two basic emotions that all other emotions stem from, fear and love. Would you even believe hate stems from love? So today we celebrate that one emotion that is so essential to all of us. No one should be depressed on Valentine’s Day. I know many people think it is depressing if they are single or without a committed significant other. Well this is bullshit. Everyone has somebody that loves him or her. There is always someone who wakes up in the morning and is happy that you were born, that you are in his or her lives, and that you exist exactly as you are. That is the beauty of love; no one is deprived of it.
When I was single, I woke up every Valentine’s Day morning to a new stuffed animal and a token (usually jewelry) from my parents. I know my parents always love me, but today they get to celebrate that special love only a parent can have for their child. That is a Valentine in of itself.
In regards to those “attached” people celebrating the holiday today. I know us women love pretty gifts, fresh flowers, and sparkling jewelry. However, these tokens of affection say more than what people think it really means. Anything from a beautiful diamond necklace to a simple bracelet; from a single flower that you got out of your garden to a vast array of roses say one thing….love. It says, “I Love You” by a symbol. It never really matters what that symbol is. Most of the time women just love that symbol has a simple reminder of her loved one. I have a bear that will always remind me of my parents love. It is the symbol that matters. When Wendy gave Peter Pan a thimble as a “kiss” that thimble would forever more remind her of the love Wendy felt for Peter Pan. It would always remind him of their “kiss.”
So I encourage everyone on this Valentine’s Day to let EVERYONE you love know you love them by just some simple token of affection. Send a stupid bear, a nicely written letter they can save, or some chocolate you know they like. Give them a hug to remember or their favorite flower. Tell them that you not only love them but also love them in your life. Tell them why you love them. Today is about giving and if we all give we all get.
For today I just wanted to let all of my friends, family, and loved ones know how much I love them. I am who I am today because each and every one of you has taught me something unique and special.
Sap session over…
Valentine’s Day is, to some, a day when even though you know you love your partner 365 days a year, you get to celebrate it for one day like LOVE is it’s own holiday. Christians love Jesus all year but regard Christmas to celebrate his birth. Jew’s love the Torah all year, but celebrate that Torah on one holiday. Simchat Torah. So why do people choose to boycott this holiday when all it is is a good excuse to celebrate the one emotion we could never live without? There are two basic emotions that all other emotions stem from, fear and love. Would you even believe hate stems from love? So today we celebrate that one emotion that is so essential to all of us. No one should be depressed on Valentine’s Day. I know many people think it is depressing if they are single or without a committed significant other. Well this is bullshit. Everyone has somebody that loves him or her. There is always someone who wakes up in the morning and is happy that you were born, that you are in his or her lives, and that you exist exactly as you are. That is the beauty of love; no one is deprived of it.
When I was single, I woke up every Valentine’s Day morning to a new stuffed animal and a token (usually jewelry) from my parents. I know my parents always love me, but today they get to celebrate that special love only a parent can have for their child. That is a Valentine in of itself.
In regards to those “attached” people celebrating the holiday today. I know us women love pretty gifts, fresh flowers, and sparkling jewelry. However, these tokens of affection say more than what people think it really means. Anything from a beautiful diamond necklace to a simple bracelet; from a single flower that you got out of your garden to a vast array of roses say one thing….love. It says, “I Love You” by a symbol. It never really matters what that symbol is. Most of the time women just love that symbol has a simple reminder of her loved one. I have a bear that will always remind me of my parents love. It is the symbol that matters. When Wendy gave Peter Pan a thimble as a “kiss” that thimble would forever more remind her of the love Wendy felt for Peter Pan. It would always remind him of their “kiss.”
So I encourage everyone on this Valentine’s Day to let EVERYONE you love know you love them by just some simple token of affection. Send a stupid bear, a nicely written letter they can save, or some chocolate you know they like. Give them a hug to remember or their favorite flower. Tell them that you not only love them but also love them in your life. Tell them why you love them. Today is about giving and if we all give we all get.
For today I just wanted to let all of my friends, family, and loved ones know how much I love them. I am who I am today because each and every one of you has taught me something unique and special.
Sap session over…
Sunday, February 06, 2005
What is my talent? That is the question at hand.
So I can write, but I am nowhere near the ability it takes to be a paid well-respected writer. I can dance. However, I have been untrained for so long, there are countless dancers better than me now. I have a commercial face. But, I am too short to do any type of modeling. I can run a few miles. But, I am too slow and can't run far enough for the marathon. So what is my talent?
I had auditions today to be a dancer for Disneyland. It started with 1,000 girls at 7:30 this morning and by 7:00 at night we were down to just one hundred. I, of course, was one of the last few to get cut, for reasons unknown except for I just was not big enough. But here is the thing. Everyone loved me. I can’t even count the number of, “isn’t she so cute,” “I love your face” and “I love your personality” type comments I got today. These were not just from the choreographers but from the other dancers as well. By the end of the day everyone knew my name and who I was (out of those left from the various cuts we went thorough). So is that my talent then? Is my one weapon for making it in this world the ability to stand out in a crowd? If so, where the hell will that get me? Everyone, I believe, has something about them that they excel in above all other things. Everyone is exceptional at something. My sister-in-law is exceptional at animation. Ethan is pure genius at web development and anything to do with computers. My boyfriend has an uncanny ability to bring a very unique and witty voice to anything he writes. My father is one of the best at what he does. My grandfather is a genius when it comes to business. Ian can sell ice to an Eskimo. Even my mother is exceptional at what she does. Well what can I do? I know philosophy, but I am not philosopher. I am a very good dancer, not enough to make money at it. My writing needs work but I got something going there. Really, I am beginning to wonder if my “talent” is relating to people. I am beginning to think that is my extraordinary gift. I can read others. I can get along with anyone. I stand out in a crowd. People remember who I am. I can listen but I sure as hell can talk for hours. Am I what they call a “people person”? Is there a job that goes with that? Someone just fill me in on what it is I can do, because I am at a loss.
I am no longer depressed about the job situation though. At least I know I can a) get work somehow, even if it is just an atmosphere character and b) work at the many restaurants that seem to be hiring. That is a start. And, where there is a start there sure as hell is an end. This end, I have no clue where or what it will be. Somehow though, someone will see that maybe they need someone who people remember and when that happens, it will be my turn in the spotlight.
So I can write, but I am nowhere near the ability it takes to be a paid well-respected writer. I can dance. However, I have been untrained for so long, there are countless dancers better than me now. I have a commercial face. But, I am too short to do any type of modeling. I can run a few miles. But, I am too slow and can't run far enough for the marathon. So what is my talent?
I had auditions today to be a dancer for Disneyland. It started with 1,000 girls at 7:30 this morning and by 7:00 at night we were down to just one hundred. I, of course, was one of the last few to get cut, for reasons unknown except for I just was not big enough. But here is the thing. Everyone loved me. I can’t even count the number of, “isn’t she so cute,” “I love your face” and “I love your personality” type comments I got today. These were not just from the choreographers but from the other dancers as well. By the end of the day everyone knew my name and who I was (out of those left from the various cuts we went thorough). So is that my talent then? Is my one weapon for making it in this world the ability to stand out in a crowd? If so, where the hell will that get me? Everyone, I believe, has something about them that they excel in above all other things. Everyone is exceptional at something. My sister-in-law is exceptional at animation. Ethan is pure genius at web development and anything to do with computers. My boyfriend has an uncanny ability to bring a very unique and witty voice to anything he writes. My father is one of the best at what he does. My grandfather is a genius when it comes to business. Ian can sell ice to an Eskimo. Even my mother is exceptional at what she does. Well what can I do? I know philosophy, but I am not philosopher. I am a very good dancer, not enough to make money at it. My writing needs work but I got something going there. Really, I am beginning to wonder if my “talent” is relating to people. I am beginning to think that is my extraordinary gift. I can read others. I can get along with anyone. I stand out in a crowd. People remember who I am. I can listen but I sure as hell can talk for hours. Am I what they call a “people person”? Is there a job that goes with that? Someone just fill me in on what it is I can do, because I am at a loss.
I am no longer depressed about the job situation though. At least I know I can a) get work somehow, even if it is just an atmosphere character and b) work at the many restaurants that seem to be hiring. That is a start. And, where there is a start there sure as hell is an end. This end, I have no clue where or what it will be. Somehow though, someone will see that maybe they need someone who people remember and when that happens, it will be my turn in the spotlight.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Jobs, Birthdays, shows....such is life
Last night I went to see Brendan’s show at the Derby. He was, as always, in top form. Check out his bands website at www.thequietband.com. You should all go see his band because one day when they are super famous you can say you saw them way back when.
I started school yesterday, which I was actually quite happy about. This semester I have to read a million books but the books I have to read I really am looking forward to reading.
I have auditions this weekend to be a “cast member” at Disneyland. I think I would be good for the job, being all tiny and cute and smiley. If I don’t make it there, I have a few restaurants I am applying for. All I know is I am sick of not working, of not taking care of myself, and feeling like I am worth nil. This few weeks of unemployment have been more than enough. Let’s just hope I make it.
This month is going to be busy regardless. We have a few shows coming up, such as the Zutons and Cary Brothers. Valentine’s Day is looming around the corner, as is Josh’s birthday. Josh is having a party that weekend but I planned something really cool for the day of his birthday.
I am also planning a visit to Minneapolis soon to see Rachelle for a long weekend. This should be loads of fun because I really miss her, and because I have never been to Minneapolis (not exactly a vacation place.) I just have to wait and see about the job situation before I pick a weekend.
More on it all later. For now I leave you with some words of wisdom…
"The happy person is the one who finds occasions for joy at every step. He does not have to look for them, he just finds them."
-- Ossian Lang
Last night I went to see Brendan’s show at the Derby. He was, as always, in top form. Check out his bands website at www.thequietband.com. You should all go see his band because one day when they are super famous you can say you saw them way back when.
I started school yesterday, which I was actually quite happy about. This semester I have to read a million books but the books I have to read I really am looking forward to reading.
I have auditions this weekend to be a “cast member” at Disneyland. I think I would be good for the job, being all tiny and cute and smiley. If I don’t make it there, I have a few restaurants I am applying for. All I know is I am sick of not working, of not taking care of myself, and feeling like I am worth nil. This few weeks of unemployment have been more than enough. Let’s just hope I make it.
This month is going to be busy regardless. We have a few shows coming up, such as the Zutons and Cary Brothers. Valentine’s Day is looming around the corner, as is Josh’s birthday. Josh is having a party that weekend but I planned something really cool for the day of his birthday.
I am also planning a visit to Minneapolis soon to see Rachelle for a long weekend. This should be loads of fun because I really miss her, and because I have never been to Minneapolis (not exactly a vacation place.) I just have to wait and see about the job situation before I pick a weekend.
More on it all later. For now I leave you with some words of wisdom…
"The happy person is the one who finds occasions for joy at every step. He does not have to look for them, he just finds them."
-- Ossian Lang
Sunday, January 30, 2005
New York New York :)
I could give you all a play by play of my recent trip to New York, but really if I wanted you there with me I would have invited you. Hehe. So, instead I will give some highlights, in the hopes that you will see how in love with that city I really am…despite all it's flaws. In a way New York is like a significant other. You love him/it for what it is. You accept the flaws as part of the person. Sometimes the city might piss you off and other times it makes you the happiest girl alive. Sometimes the city is romantic. And, certain circumstances can bring you to orgasm. My relationship with New York had a great week.
My whole family plus Josh went to Long Island first for my cousin Shane's Bar Mitzvah.
~ Josh survived the family although at times it was looking a bit overwhelming
~ I had a great time with all my young cousins. They are growing up to be beautiful children
~ My Aunt Sherry (Snookie) continued to be a laugh riot and I am pretty sure I saw flirting with my boyfriend.
~ My family proved to be loud, obnoxious, lunatics regardless of what coast they might be on. Add an entire weekend of non-stop alcohol and we had ourselves a real party
Josh and I take on the city
- Wicked - the boyfriend entertains.
- Good Vibrations - the boyfriend can sing
- Walking the city - the boyfriend and you can do not much of anything and still have a great time
- Union Square - the boyfriend has some hidden beauty
- Shopping - the boyfriend treats you to pretty things
- The weather - Yes sometimes the boyfriend can get cold. We all have our faults.
- Central Park - the boyfriend can get romantic
- Snow - the boyfriend sometimes gives you the unexpected
- Museum of Modern Art - the boyfriend teaches you something new
- Meeting Josh's friends - the boyfriend introduces you to new people
I have the say the greatest part about this trip was walking in the city all day long. My past trips involved the prissy girl act of taking cabs everywhere and since Josh just would not have it, we walked everywhere. At times I wanted to kick Josh's ass for doing this, not because I could not walk, but because it was 12 degrees outside and I felt like my face was going to fall off. However, once I got used to being numb I got to just absorb the city. Breathing in the crisp air, people watching, smelling the roasted nuts in the street, passing by all the little shops, and really looking at how unique all the buildings were. It is like a comfortable silence, despite all the noise.
Josh took me around to all his old haunts, mainly Union Square, his old work, to the apartment of his best friend Stacey and her boyfriend Johnny, who were awesome, and the Staten Island Ferry. I loved seeing New York from his perspective because he loves it just as much as I do. He acts like a little kid in a candy shop there which is refreshing.
Our last day in New York Josh and I took a romantic stroll through Central Park, up through Strawberry fields and to the Dakota where we paid our respects to my dear John Lennon. The Dakota, despite being famous for having John die there, is a gorgeous complex. From there we used our last few hours of New York just walking down through Columbus and taking in the atmosphere.
We managed to see two shows while in New York as well. Wicked, which is based on the Gregory Maguire book, and Good Vibrations, which is based on Beach Boys music. Wicked was entertaining but nothing extraordinary. Good Vibrations, which was still in previews, was astounding. I loved every minute of it. Josh student rushed front row tickets so we were so close I could see every little detail. I even got my hand kissed by one of the actors during the finale. : )
I have to say this recent trip to New York was my favorite trip so far. Not only because I got to see my wonderful family, but because I got to just BE in New York as I could be here at home. It was also great being there with Josh, who aside from the city, was also a great boyfriend. However, some things should be kept private.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
People to see. Places to do. So much to say. So little time.
I did manage to have a safe trip home from New York. However, for the past few days I have been sick and everything on this computer is a blur. I had a fabulous time in the Big Apple and I promise to write tons about it, along with fantabulous pictures, very soon.
I did manage to have a safe trip home from New York. However, for the past few days I have been sick and everything on this computer is a blur. I had a fabulous time in the Big Apple and I promise to write tons about it, along with fantabulous pictures, very soon.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Aesthetics. Beauty. The Sublime…The truth...
The romantic poets wrote and based their life upon the pursuit of aesthetics. There are magazines devoted to it. Billions of dollars are spent every year on the quest and upkeep of it. Beauty. Really, what is it? Who decides what is beautiful and what is not?
As a girl, a confident self assured girl no less, I have to admit the pursuit of beauty is something even I constantly think about. I own thousands of dollars worth of beauty products, makeup, “pretty” clothes, even books about beauty. However, if what a woman really wants most is a guy to look at her in her pajamas, no makeup and messy hair and tell her she is beautiful, why then is using outside forces to make us (what we think is) more beautiful so important? I wonder if one day women can see themselves in their truest form and see beauty. Instead we rely on that perfect blend of eye shadow, concealer, some nice lip-gloss and a hair dryer. We feel naked and ugly without some shimmery eye shadow or something so simple as a hair straightener. It is not a man’s fault. It is ours. We torture ourselves to be polished and pretty when it is the guy who really loves us who will see us frazzled and love it.
If you read a “girly” magazine, 60% of what is in there is devoted to teaching us how to “make us better looking.” Well what the fuck is wrong with us in the first place? Not every girl should look like a plastic Barbie doll. Every girl is different and maybe that is what makes us all so pretty.
Probably the other 40% of these magazines is how a woman should lose weight. Now I admit, diet advice is ok (if done in a healthy way) because as a whole this country is getting unhealthily fat. But again, who decided that every woman had to be skinny to be pretty? For a long time in my life I was obsessed with being skinny. Genetics tell me I will never be anything but small and petite, however, I was obsessed with being skinnier than everyone. The smallest of the bunch. So I set out to lose more weight than my body could ever handle. I was on the verge of starving myself, I even threw up food a couple of times, and 80% of my thoughts revolved around what I was planning to eat and do in the way of exercise in a given day. Why? For a compliment from someone who would never love me for me anyway because all they see is a skinny body? It took me a long time but I finally figured out my body is just fine the way it is. I got it into my head that it is ok for a woman to gain and lose 5 pounds in a year. I got it into my head that my body, at its normal weight like it is now, is pretty just the way it is. Of course, I am still skinny, I just don’t look sick. Problem is, if a woman who is slightly chubby, has more curves than the average model, or is healthy but just naturally big boned, they think something is wrong with them. This is all bullshit. I have a friend who will never be “skinny.” She just naturally has bigger bones and with eating healthy and exercising she is still what most would call “of average weight.” She is one of the most gorgeous girls I know. She radiates beauty and yet by “model” standards those magazines would tell her she needed to lose weight.
The romantic poets could look at a volcano and say it is beautiful. They saw beauty in any forest and all types of bodies. We could learn something from them. We can see beauty everywhere and actually just love us just the way we are. It is our differences that make us that way anyway. Besides our parents think we are gorgeous. Our friends all think we are gorgeous. And, like I said, any man who loves you will see you clean faced, in your baggy PJ’s and see the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Maybe if we started to see ourselves that way, we WOULD get healthy.
If eyes were made for seeing, Then Beauty is its own excuse for being. – Emerson
If to her share some female errors fall, Look on her face, and you'll forget them all. – Alexander Pope
'Beauty is truth, truth beauty,' - that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. – John Keats
The romantic poets wrote and based their life upon the pursuit of aesthetics. There are magazines devoted to it. Billions of dollars are spent every year on the quest and upkeep of it. Beauty. Really, what is it? Who decides what is beautiful and what is not?
As a girl, a confident self assured girl no less, I have to admit the pursuit of beauty is something even I constantly think about. I own thousands of dollars worth of beauty products, makeup, “pretty” clothes, even books about beauty. However, if what a woman really wants most is a guy to look at her in her pajamas, no makeup and messy hair and tell her she is beautiful, why then is using outside forces to make us (what we think is) more beautiful so important? I wonder if one day women can see themselves in their truest form and see beauty. Instead we rely on that perfect blend of eye shadow, concealer, some nice lip-gloss and a hair dryer. We feel naked and ugly without some shimmery eye shadow or something so simple as a hair straightener. It is not a man’s fault. It is ours. We torture ourselves to be polished and pretty when it is the guy who really loves us who will see us frazzled and love it.
If you read a “girly” magazine, 60% of what is in there is devoted to teaching us how to “make us better looking.” Well what the fuck is wrong with us in the first place? Not every girl should look like a plastic Barbie doll. Every girl is different and maybe that is what makes us all so pretty.
Probably the other 40% of these magazines is how a woman should lose weight. Now I admit, diet advice is ok (if done in a healthy way) because as a whole this country is getting unhealthily fat. But again, who decided that every woman had to be skinny to be pretty? For a long time in my life I was obsessed with being skinny. Genetics tell me I will never be anything but small and petite, however, I was obsessed with being skinnier than everyone. The smallest of the bunch. So I set out to lose more weight than my body could ever handle. I was on the verge of starving myself, I even threw up food a couple of times, and 80% of my thoughts revolved around what I was planning to eat and do in the way of exercise in a given day. Why? For a compliment from someone who would never love me for me anyway because all they see is a skinny body? It took me a long time but I finally figured out my body is just fine the way it is. I got it into my head that it is ok for a woman to gain and lose 5 pounds in a year. I got it into my head that my body, at its normal weight like it is now, is pretty just the way it is. Of course, I am still skinny, I just don’t look sick. Problem is, if a woman who is slightly chubby, has more curves than the average model, or is healthy but just naturally big boned, they think something is wrong with them. This is all bullshit. I have a friend who will never be “skinny.” She just naturally has bigger bones and with eating healthy and exercising she is still what most would call “of average weight.” She is one of the most gorgeous girls I know. She radiates beauty and yet by “model” standards those magazines would tell her she needed to lose weight.
The romantic poets could look at a volcano and say it is beautiful. They saw beauty in any forest and all types of bodies. We could learn something from them. We can see beauty everywhere and actually just love us just the way we are. It is our differences that make us that way anyway. Besides our parents think we are gorgeous. Our friends all think we are gorgeous. And, like I said, any man who loves you will see you clean faced, in your baggy PJ’s and see the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Maybe if we started to see ourselves that way, we WOULD get healthy.
If eyes were made for seeing, Then Beauty is its own excuse for being. – Emerson
If to her share some female errors fall, Look on her face, and you'll forget them all. – Alexander Pope
'Beauty is truth, truth beauty,' - that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. – John Keats
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Storm Watch 2005!!!
You know you live in Southern California when the top stories on the news are the massive amounts of rain we’ve been having, and the unfortunate separation of Brad and Jennifer. You got to love our news.
So the New Year went off great and I am now, once again, in a transitional period of my life. I am no longer at my job and in the midst of looking for a new one. Where will it be? I have not a damn clue. Lets hope I find one soon though because I am broke. I am as broke as a New York City street rat. Let me ask, how is it possible that a girl who comes from a wealthy family, is surrounded by enough books and DVDs to fill a Borders and takes up three closets worth of clothes, broke? Oh there is my answer….
Time to cut back. Or I can go the “save Karyn” route and smile and ask for charity on a website. Hey it worked for her.
Now on a lighter note….
It is now less than a week away from my trip to New York. I got my dress today and am all set to go. Words cannot describe how excited I am to go so I am not even going to try. Lets just say it is nothing short of orgasmic. We are already seeing Wicked and Josh and I plan to take in one more show. We are looking at Good Vibrations and if I can I am going to drag Josh kicking and screaming to the show that changed my life…Les Miserables. I will get him to it somehow!
The past few weeks, for reasons beyond my control, I have been a little bit down. I have not been down about anything really, being that everything in my life is just peachy….but I have been in one of those “black cloud” states and thankfully I seem to be coming out of it. What I hate most about these lulls is how it seems to affect every aspect of ones life. I have been bitchy and moody. I have been annoyed with everyone and everything. I must have been great company. Really though, what the hell do I have to be down about? I read recently that there have been a number of rapes of children and teens by rescuers during this whole Tsunami disaster. So really, I have NOTHING to be down about. Ugh.
When I was a young child, sometimes (and I am talking two years old here) my brother and me would get thrown in the bath together. I love my mother; she is one of my best friends. However, tonight she actually revealed a picture of said bath moment to Josh. Welcome to my mother…leave tact at the door.
Maybe next week she will bring out all my naked baby pictures and we can have a grand ole’ time!
And now off to build my arc…
You know you live in Southern California when the top stories on the news are the massive amounts of rain we’ve been having, and the unfortunate separation of Brad and Jennifer. You got to love our news.
So the New Year went off great and I am now, once again, in a transitional period of my life. I am no longer at my job and in the midst of looking for a new one. Where will it be? I have not a damn clue. Lets hope I find one soon though because I am broke. I am as broke as a New York City street rat. Let me ask, how is it possible that a girl who comes from a wealthy family, is surrounded by enough books and DVDs to fill a Borders and takes up three closets worth of clothes, broke? Oh there is my answer….
Time to cut back. Or I can go the “save Karyn” route and smile and ask for charity on a website. Hey it worked for her.
Now on a lighter note….
It is now less than a week away from my trip to New York. I got my dress today and am all set to go. Words cannot describe how excited I am to go so I am not even going to try. Lets just say it is nothing short of orgasmic. We are already seeing Wicked and Josh and I plan to take in one more show. We are looking at Good Vibrations and if I can I am going to drag Josh kicking and screaming to the show that changed my life…Les Miserables. I will get him to it somehow!
The past few weeks, for reasons beyond my control, I have been a little bit down. I have not been down about anything really, being that everything in my life is just peachy….but I have been in one of those “black cloud” states and thankfully I seem to be coming out of it. What I hate most about these lulls is how it seems to affect every aspect of ones life. I have been bitchy and moody. I have been annoyed with everyone and everything. I must have been great company. Really though, what the hell do I have to be down about? I read recently that there have been a number of rapes of children and teens by rescuers during this whole Tsunami disaster. So really, I have NOTHING to be down about. Ugh.
When I was a young child, sometimes (and I am talking two years old here) my brother and me would get thrown in the bath together. I love my mother; she is one of my best friends. However, tonight she actually revealed a picture of said bath moment to Josh. Welcome to my mother…leave tact at the door.
Maybe next week she will bring out all my naked baby pictures and we can have a grand ole’ time!
And now off to build my arc…
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Everybody goes home for Christmas
...and another year end list from yours truly.
Well the holidays went off without a hitch. For the record, without a hitch in my family means no one was seriously injured and no one professed their sheer hatred for one another. I am becoming aware of many peoples blasé attitude toward the holiday. I for one don’t think I can ever be anything but excited for Hanukkah or Christmas. Yes, the gift giving can get a bit psychotic. Yes, all families can get a bit…much. But, I think people are starting to miss the point. December is the one time of year where everyone HAS to get together. No excuses. No backing out. Who cares if giving presents has become the mere exchange of a good for another good worth the same exact price as said gift you bought for that person. Who cares if people fight and go crazy and yell and then hug and then yell some more. The point is we are doing this together. I have three of my great grandparents left. Thank God, they are all alive and healthy but I don’t get to see them much. The holidays help that. They let me see them for however long I will still have them here.
Christmas morning Josh and I went to his family’s house. His family is one of those great “All American” families. He has three husky brothers, a bbq cooking dad, and a very outgoing sweet mother. Around five it was off down to San Diego for my families shin ding. My family comes from a slightly different world than Josh’s. To sum it up, my very large family gathering, very loud family gathering, and very comedic family gathering was held at La Costa country club. Needless to say I slept like a baby that night.
So the year is almost to an end, I have a few more days of best of lists coming but for now I will give you what, in my life, where the ten best things or experiences to affect me this year. In random order…
1. Amy and Ethan’s wedding – After what seemed like years of planning and stressing, the wedding finally arrived. Thankfully everything came out beautifully. Well beautiful yet very “Kaplan” oriented. The rings were misplaced, the rabbi told the entire congregation that my Aunt Jenna was pregnant (she isn’t), and actually made fun of my brother during the ceremony. Aside from that…no hitches! I had never seen my brother so happy before. He has had this glimmer of life in his eyes since the day he met Amy. August 7th magnified that glimmer. Those two compliment each other perfectly and there is no one else I would ever want as a sister. Sometimes I find myself stopping to think, “Wow I can’t believe my brother is married! And he is only 3 years older than me.” We are growing up and pretty soon I will grow up too. Oh yeah, getting toasted with the whole bridal party afterward was some fun too.
2. New Mexico – We took a road trip to New Mexico to catch the last show of REM’s North American tour. Besides the concert being absolutely fabulous, the experience of a road trip with cool and fun people had to be the highlight. Between playing a game of “truth” for hours in the car, sleeping in the seedy Route 66 motel, and having one surreal party, I would have to say the whole entire weekend was the actual highlight. New Mexico was a time capsule. It is now a little bubble of time to be kept in the memory bank for safekeeping.
3. The Alchemist – this book was written years ago. However, I just read it this year. This is a very thin book written in simplistic language to resemble a fable. This “fable” of sorts changed my life. I identified with Santiago, the main character a someone who, at the beginning of the book, was in the same place I was in my life. Santiago was on a journey to find his own destiny. Along the way he meets teachers who are not teachers and friends who are not ordinary friends. I do not lead a mystic life or a life of an alchemist, but this book parallels my life and gave me inspiration when I needed it most.
4. My new friends and my new relationship – Between my new job and meeting fellow REM fans, I have made quite a few new friends this year. I have to say though the best part about all these new friendships is my new boyfriend. I started out the year not wanting to let anyone in, and somehow it just sprung up on me. It was a surprise. It was something I tried to fight for a while…but at years end I have found myself in love, no matter how hard I tried to fight it at the beginning. I guess sometimes things just happen that you can’t stop. It all happens for a reason and right now I am just glad it did.
5. Coachella – This was my first music festival event. I went with my brother, brother – in- law and a few other friends. Besides the concerts being unbelievably incredible the experience of being at an outdoor festival in the middle of the 110-degree dessert was the part that sticks out. I felt like a rock n roll princess. I stood in the pit smashed up against everyone for 7 hours and eventually, yes I did get knocked unconscious. It was the greatest day.
6. REM Tour – In four days I went to three REM concerts in October. I can go to 20 REM concerts and never get tired of it. There was a big group of us who went to all three shows and we managed to party for four days all the while seeing some of the best live music I have ever seen. Michael was in top form and seemed to really just enjoy doing what he did. Besides the LA show, the crowds were awesome. And, the tailgate party at Irvine was one to remember. Well….try to remember anyway.
7. Leaving the Dance Studio – I miss the dance studio with every fiber of my being. I miss my dance teachers and my fellow dancers everyday. It was just something I needed to do to grow up. I went and got a full time job. I started making my own money. By leaving the dance studio I became a full-fledged adult. If I had to pick one thing that CHANGED my life the most, it would really have to be this job switch. I attempted to learn time management. I became used to not being able to do anything with my day. At years end I can honestly say I have become a responsible adult…well at least as much of one as I will allow.
8. Rachelle and Lyndsey – It was nice to have my two best friends home all summer. What is even more amazing is that after all of these years we are still best friends. This summer, although very mellow, was one of the best summers because all we did was lay out and watch Sex and the City.
9. The entire month of November – My birthday is November 6th. However, I took it upon myself to declare November the birthday month. I must have had about 5 different parties with separate groups of friends. I got the best gifts, including my long awaited right hand ring, as well as a Disneyland annual pass. I went to see a concert, I saw my whole family, and had a drunken night of hell raising with the girls. It was a great month
10. Harry Potter – Harry got me through the rough patches of the year. I had not given in to the phenomenon so I had all five books to read this year. The books are classic fantasy fiction, perfect for escaping the depressed days and diving into this new world of bravery, action, redemption, and infinite possibility. Add on to that the three movies I also saw this year and I have to say Harry really helped me forget those “down days”.
I have no idea what this next year will bring me. However, like I said before I am now happy living with the questions, instead of always striving for the answer. Hopefully next year will bring more happiness, health and love to my life and to those around me. I have a slight feeling it will be a good year…just as long as we don’t behave too much.
...and another year end list from yours truly.
Well the holidays went off without a hitch. For the record, without a hitch in my family means no one was seriously injured and no one professed their sheer hatred for one another. I am becoming aware of many peoples blasé attitude toward the holiday. I for one don’t think I can ever be anything but excited for Hanukkah or Christmas. Yes, the gift giving can get a bit psychotic. Yes, all families can get a bit…much. But, I think people are starting to miss the point. December is the one time of year where everyone HAS to get together. No excuses. No backing out. Who cares if giving presents has become the mere exchange of a good for another good worth the same exact price as said gift you bought for that person. Who cares if people fight and go crazy and yell and then hug and then yell some more. The point is we are doing this together. I have three of my great grandparents left. Thank God, they are all alive and healthy but I don’t get to see them much. The holidays help that. They let me see them for however long I will still have them here.
Christmas morning Josh and I went to his family’s house. His family is one of those great “All American” families. He has three husky brothers, a bbq cooking dad, and a very outgoing sweet mother. Around five it was off down to San Diego for my families shin ding. My family comes from a slightly different world than Josh’s. To sum it up, my very large family gathering, very loud family gathering, and very comedic family gathering was held at La Costa country club. Needless to say I slept like a baby that night.
So the year is almost to an end, I have a few more days of best of lists coming but for now I will give you what, in my life, where the ten best things or experiences to affect me this year. In random order…
1. Amy and Ethan’s wedding – After what seemed like years of planning and stressing, the wedding finally arrived. Thankfully everything came out beautifully. Well beautiful yet very “Kaplan” oriented. The rings were misplaced, the rabbi told the entire congregation that my Aunt Jenna was pregnant (she isn’t), and actually made fun of my brother during the ceremony. Aside from that…no hitches! I had never seen my brother so happy before. He has had this glimmer of life in his eyes since the day he met Amy. August 7th magnified that glimmer. Those two compliment each other perfectly and there is no one else I would ever want as a sister. Sometimes I find myself stopping to think, “Wow I can’t believe my brother is married! And he is only 3 years older than me.” We are growing up and pretty soon I will grow up too. Oh yeah, getting toasted with the whole bridal party afterward was some fun too.
2. New Mexico – We took a road trip to New Mexico to catch the last show of REM’s North American tour. Besides the concert being absolutely fabulous, the experience of a road trip with cool and fun people had to be the highlight. Between playing a game of “truth” for hours in the car, sleeping in the seedy Route 66 motel, and having one surreal party, I would have to say the whole entire weekend was the actual highlight. New Mexico was a time capsule. It is now a little bubble of time to be kept in the memory bank for safekeeping.
3. The Alchemist – this book was written years ago. However, I just read it this year. This is a very thin book written in simplistic language to resemble a fable. This “fable” of sorts changed my life. I identified with Santiago, the main character a someone who, at the beginning of the book, was in the same place I was in my life. Santiago was on a journey to find his own destiny. Along the way he meets teachers who are not teachers and friends who are not ordinary friends. I do not lead a mystic life or a life of an alchemist, but this book parallels my life and gave me inspiration when I needed it most.
4. My new friends and my new relationship – Between my new job and meeting fellow REM fans, I have made quite a few new friends this year. I have to say though the best part about all these new friendships is my new boyfriend. I started out the year not wanting to let anyone in, and somehow it just sprung up on me. It was a surprise. It was something I tried to fight for a while…but at years end I have found myself in love, no matter how hard I tried to fight it at the beginning. I guess sometimes things just happen that you can’t stop. It all happens for a reason and right now I am just glad it did.
5. Coachella – This was my first music festival event. I went with my brother, brother – in- law and a few other friends. Besides the concerts being unbelievably incredible the experience of being at an outdoor festival in the middle of the 110-degree dessert was the part that sticks out. I felt like a rock n roll princess. I stood in the pit smashed up against everyone for 7 hours and eventually, yes I did get knocked unconscious. It was the greatest day.
6. REM Tour – In four days I went to three REM concerts in October. I can go to 20 REM concerts and never get tired of it. There was a big group of us who went to all three shows and we managed to party for four days all the while seeing some of the best live music I have ever seen. Michael was in top form and seemed to really just enjoy doing what he did. Besides the LA show, the crowds were awesome. And, the tailgate party at Irvine was one to remember. Well….try to remember anyway.
7. Leaving the Dance Studio – I miss the dance studio with every fiber of my being. I miss my dance teachers and my fellow dancers everyday. It was just something I needed to do to grow up. I went and got a full time job. I started making my own money. By leaving the dance studio I became a full-fledged adult. If I had to pick one thing that CHANGED my life the most, it would really have to be this job switch. I attempted to learn time management. I became used to not being able to do anything with my day. At years end I can honestly say I have become a responsible adult…well at least as much of one as I will allow.
8. Rachelle and Lyndsey – It was nice to have my two best friends home all summer. What is even more amazing is that after all of these years we are still best friends. This summer, although very mellow, was one of the best summers because all we did was lay out and watch Sex and the City.
9. The entire month of November – My birthday is November 6th. However, I took it upon myself to declare November the birthday month. I must have had about 5 different parties with separate groups of friends. I got the best gifts, including my long awaited right hand ring, as well as a Disneyland annual pass. I went to see a concert, I saw my whole family, and had a drunken night of hell raising with the girls. It was a great month
10. Harry Potter – Harry got me through the rough patches of the year. I had not given in to the phenomenon so I had all five books to read this year. The books are classic fantasy fiction, perfect for escaping the depressed days and diving into this new world of bravery, action, redemption, and infinite possibility. Add on to that the three movies I also saw this year and I have to say Harry really helped me forget those “down days”.
I have no idea what this next year will bring me. However, like I said before I am now happy living with the questions, instead of always striving for the answer. Hopefully next year will bring more happiness, health and love to my life and to those around me. I have a slight feeling it will be a good year…just as long as we don’t behave too much.
Friday, December 24, 2004
It's Christmas time...
It is Christmas eve as I write this. I have just gotten home from a nice stressful day at the mall. Yes I know, I did my shopping late. I had finals and then the busiest week at work, so get over it.
However, I am finally done with my gifts. All I have to do is wrap. AND I can finally just sit back and enjoy the holiday. OK not so true…
Tomorrow I have two, yes two family Christmas parties to go to. In the morning I am going to Josh’s parents house where his whole family plus many friends will be there. Oh yeah not stressful at all. I have not even met a single member of his family yet. Stressful is not the word I am looking for…. just a little nervous maybe.
Then for dinner we are off to San Diego for a four-course Christmas meal at the La Costa country club. My entire west coast family will be there and they are a piece of work. There is a new person coming to dinner and I have no doubt they will all be on him like a shark on a nice cold raw slab of bloody meat. My Grandpa can be scary to new people (think of the Godfather) and the women in my family are worse than I am. The women in my family are what I will be in 40 – 70 years… Yeah picture that. I feel bad for the boy already.
This morning Josh and me decided to go to the mall right when it opened in order to beat the crowds. It is something I like to call wishful thinking. We got to the mall after he dropped off his car and the parking lot was already full. Now me in a mall is like a kid in a candy shop. Josh had to stop when he would realize I was 100 feet behind him staring at a new lip-gloss. I wanted to go in every store and kept getting the usual, “ no honey we are on a time limit.”
I am happy to say that we survived the two malls and three stores we had to attend today and, like I said, I did manage to finish all my shopping.
So I am surviving Christmas.barely. But in reality I have to say I am one of those people who just LOVE the holidays. I love giving gifts. I love getting gifts. I love all the moods everyone gets in. I love the food and the joy and just the all around warm fuzzy feelings.
I hope this finds everyone in the middle of a crazy but joyous holiday. Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah. Merry Christmukkah…
Lets have many more…
It is Christmas eve as I write this. I have just gotten home from a nice stressful day at the mall. Yes I know, I did my shopping late. I had finals and then the busiest week at work, so get over it.
However, I am finally done with my gifts. All I have to do is wrap. AND I can finally just sit back and enjoy the holiday. OK not so true…
Tomorrow I have two, yes two family Christmas parties to go to. In the morning I am going to Josh’s parents house where his whole family plus many friends will be there. Oh yeah not stressful at all. I have not even met a single member of his family yet. Stressful is not the word I am looking for…. just a little nervous maybe.
Then for dinner we are off to San Diego for a four-course Christmas meal at the La Costa country club. My entire west coast family will be there and they are a piece of work. There is a new person coming to dinner and I have no doubt they will all be on him like a shark on a nice cold raw slab of bloody meat. My Grandpa can be scary to new people (think of the Godfather) and the women in my family are worse than I am. The women in my family are what I will be in 40 – 70 years… Yeah picture that. I feel bad for the boy already.
This morning Josh and me decided to go to the mall right when it opened in order to beat the crowds. It is something I like to call wishful thinking. We got to the mall after he dropped off his car and the parking lot was already full. Now me in a mall is like a kid in a candy shop. Josh had to stop when he would realize I was 100 feet behind him staring at a new lip-gloss. I wanted to go in every store and kept getting the usual, “ no honey we are on a time limit.”
I am happy to say that we survived the two malls and three stores we had to attend today and, like I said, I did manage to finish all my shopping.
So I am surviving Christmas.barely. But in reality I have to say I am one of those people who just LOVE the holidays. I love giving gifts. I love getting gifts. I love all the moods everyone gets in. I love the food and the joy and just the all around warm fuzzy feelings.
I hope this finds everyone in the middle of a crazy but joyous holiday. Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah. Merry Christmukkah…
Lets have many more…
Sunday, December 19, 2004
End of the year..Beginning of a new life…
Reflections on 2004.
Life changes pretty damn fast if you think about it. We started this year with me at a crossroads with every aspect of my life. My brother was not yet married. I was still coming to terms with his engagement and to say I was an ice queen is an understatement. I had lost my passion in 2004. At the start of this year not much affected me. There is merit in being unaffected by anything but too much of it and one can become hollow. I did not let anybody in and I was content with being alone. I wanted to be alone. I find myself at the end of the year in a complete opposite direction. I have let in a new sister. I have let in a new man. Scary as it may seem, I am happier than ever before. Much of what happened this year is a direct result of my way of thinking. I have found that the way we think directly results in what becomes of our life. Think happy and happy happens. Think passion and passion happens.
I said I would deliver my best of 2004 lists and I think I will have to start with the 10 best concerts attended this year. For the first time actually, I went to enough concerts to actually merit a 10 best of list in that department.
10. The Darkness – hair cheesy metal is back and in full force. These guys brought the fun back into rock n roll. With a full wall of amps, it was hard to hear the following day but a falsetto “I Believe in a Thing Called Love,” while wearing a chest baring body suit more than made up for it.
10.5 – Britney Spears – Staples Center. I know this can totally get rid of my music credibility but hear me out. I am a dancer and when seeing a pop show like this that is what I judge by. Britney can’t sing. She lip syncs. Britney’s music is straight from the box teenybopper pop music. Music by numbers I like to say. With all that aside she still knows how to put on a show. The dancing and choreography was awesome. Her stage presence is that of a seasoned veteran. There were a few shocking moments involving dry sex on a bed and various makeout sessions with dancers, but it just added to the pure shock value of the night. Only a dancer can understand.
9. Fleetwood Mac – Irvine Meadows – The biggest reason I was in love with this show was Lindsey Buckingham. I always have considered him one of the best guitar players out there but this night even he shocked me. He was given a lot more solo time and for that I was extremely grateful.
8. The Shins – Wiltern. While the audience looked like they came straight out of The OC, The Shins were anything but trend of the moment. I was slightly worried how these guys would pull off a live show but it was awesome. I was in the worst mood going into the show that night. Why I was is a long story but the point is they got me out of my mood in two seconds flat.
7. Franz Ferdinand – Wiltern. – One of the only concerts where I was dancing the whole time. Franz Ferdinand are not as artistically unique as many make them out to be. They are basically a combination of many eighties bands. But they know how to put on a fun and entertaining show.
6. The Cure – Curiosa festival. I remember standing there with Ian when Smith began the opening chords to Fascination Street and thinking, “ahhh yes and this is one of those moments you remember.”
5. – Travis – Wiltern - Fran Healy speaks we can’t understand him. “Amy what did he just say”? Amy replies, “Does it matter.” Yeah Fran has that sexiness about him. However, they also put on a great live show. The highlight was when Fran unplugged his guitar and did an acoustic (not even a sound system) version of Flowers in the Windows. Just him and his guitar with an eerily quiet audience and everything fell into place.
4. – Gomez – Ventura. I have been a fan of Gomez for a couple years now, ever since Liquid Skin came out. However, they are a completely different experience live. Gomez are one of those bands that are truly a “live” act.
3. – Radiohead – Coachella music festival. This was on Saturday, the day I did not get trampled and knocked unconscious. We were hot and in dire need for water. I was with four boys and in need for some “no testosterone” territory. BUT the show was perfect. The show was amazing. In renewed my faith in radiohead.
2. – Prince – Staples Center. There is a reason why this guy is an icon. There is a reason why he has lasted so long. He is a man who knows how to put on a show. He is a man who performance aside gives impeccable musical output. He is the closest to technically perfect I have seen. I was in the 8th row and for a good solid 2.5 hours he stopped my heart.
1. REM - Irvine Meadows. I had four REM concerts to choose from. Each one was beautiful and memorable in their own right. However, I wanted to choose just one for my list and for some reason this one was the first that came to mind. It was not just the concert but also the events that surrounded the concert. We had an awesome tailgate party where I met some new friends and I got to go backstage for the first time. The show itself was pure REM gold.
Stay tuned for more best of lists.
Reflections on 2004.
Life changes pretty damn fast if you think about it. We started this year with me at a crossroads with every aspect of my life. My brother was not yet married. I was still coming to terms with his engagement and to say I was an ice queen is an understatement. I had lost my passion in 2004. At the start of this year not much affected me. There is merit in being unaffected by anything but too much of it and one can become hollow. I did not let anybody in and I was content with being alone. I wanted to be alone. I find myself at the end of the year in a complete opposite direction. I have let in a new sister. I have let in a new man. Scary as it may seem, I am happier than ever before. Much of what happened this year is a direct result of my way of thinking. I have found that the way we think directly results in what becomes of our life. Think happy and happy happens. Think passion and passion happens.
I said I would deliver my best of 2004 lists and I think I will have to start with the 10 best concerts attended this year. For the first time actually, I went to enough concerts to actually merit a 10 best of list in that department.
10. The Darkness – hair cheesy metal is back and in full force. These guys brought the fun back into rock n roll. With a full wall of amps, it was hard to hear the following day but a falsetto “I Believe in a Thing Called Love,” while wearing a chest baring body suit more than made up for it.
10.5 – Britney Spears – Staples Center. I know this can totally get rid of my music credibility but hear me out. I am a dancer and when seeing a pop show like this that is what I judge by. Britney can’t sing. She lip syncs. Britney’s music is straight from the box teenybopper pop music. Music by numbers I like to say. With all that aside she still knows how to put on a show. The dancing and choreography was awesome. Her stage presence is that of a seasoned veteran. There were a few shocking moments involving dry sex on a bed and various makeout sessions with dancers, but it just added to the pure shock value of the night. Only a dancer can understand.
9. Fleetwood Mac – Irvine Meadows – The biggest reason I was in love with this show was Lindsey Buckingham. I always have considered him one of the best guitar players out there but this night even he shocked me. He was given a lot more solo time and for that I was extremely grateful.
8. The Shins – Wiltern. While the audience looked like they came straight out of The OC, The Shins were anything but trend of the moment. I was slightly worried how these guys would pull off a live show but it was awesome. I was in the worst mood going into the show that night. Why I was is a long story but the point is they got me out of my mood in two seconds flat.
7. Franz Ferdinand – Wiltern. – One of the only concerts where I was dancing the whole time. Franz Ferdinand are not as artistically unique as many make them out to be. They are basically a combination of many eighties bands. But they know how to put on a fun and entertaining show.
6. The Cure – Curiosa festival. I remember standing there with Ian when Smith began the opening chords to Fascination Street and thinking, “ahhh yes and this is one of those moments you remember.”
5. – Travis – Wiltern - Fran Healy speaks we can’t understand him. “Amy what did he just say”? Amy replies, “Does it matter.” Yeah Fran has that sexiness about him. However, they also put on a great live show. The highlight was when Fran unplugged his guitar and did an acoustic (not even a sound system) version of Flowers in the Windows. Just him and his guitar with an eerily quiet audience and everything fell into place.
4. – Gomez – Ventura. I have been a fan of Gomez for a couple years now, ever since Liquid Skin came out. However, they are a completely different experience live. Gomez are one of those bands that are truly a “live” act.
3. – Radiohead – Coachella music festival. This was on Saturday, the day I did not get trampled and knocked unconscious. We were hot and in dire need for water. I was with four boys and in need for some “no testosterone” territory. BUT the show was perfect. The show was amazing. In renewed my faith in radiohead.
2. – Prince – Staples Center. There is a reason why this guy is an icon. There is a reason why he has lasted so long. He is a man who knows how to put on a show. He is a man who performance aside gives impeccable musical output. He is the closest to technically perfect I have seen. I was in the 8th row and for a good solid 2.5 hours he stopped my heart.
1. REM - Irvine Meadows. I had four REM concerts to choose from. Each one was beautiful and memorable in their own right. However, I wanted to choose just one for my list and for some reason this one was the first that came to mind. It was not just the concert but also the events that surrounded the concert. We had an awesome tailgate party where I met some new friends and I got to go backstage for the first time. The show itself was pure REM gold.
Stay tuned for more best of lists.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
The energizer bunny just keeps going and going and going…
The holidays are upon us again. Between dealing with overcrowded malls and irate customers you would think I would be on my last leg. Fear not my friends, I am not down for the count. Finals just ended today and I am now officially on winter break. My New York trip and consequently New York shopping spree are looming in the distance. Holiday love and cheer is in the air. My Chanukah presents were satisfactory. Everything is falling into place. Well almost.
I am at the moment sick and I only have Josh to blame. I can’t remember the last time I got more than four hours of sleep a night. I am still not done with my Chrismukkah shopping. And, I am falling into the big giant holiday stress abyss. No worries, though, I am still happy as a clam and it would take a lot to break me down.
I am really looking forward to New York. The whole family plus Josh are going for Shane’s Bar Mitzvah and then me and Josh have extended our stay for a few more days to make a sort of mini vacation out of it.
Before New York comes though we still have two holidays left. Christmas will involve family gathering hopping. New Years will involve a heavy dose of fun and resolutions. Gifts will be given and I have no doubt a dramatic story arc will play out in one way or another. It always does. We just have to love the holidays.
In other news….I am head over heels for Neil Gaimen. Everyone read him. Do the literature world a favor. Do your brain a favor and read this author. It is like a literary LCD trip. This reminds me that my annual best of lists will be coming to a blog near you. It is that time of year. We all know I have perfect taste so rest assured the lists will be informative.
I am sorry for the sporadic updates. Life has been busy right now. When I have time to breathe I am usually spending it…..yeah well…
The holidays are upon us again. Between dealing with overcrowded malls and irate customers you would think I would be on my last leg. Fear not my friends, I am not down for the count. Finals just ended today and I am now officially on winter break. My New York trip and consequently New York shopping spree are looming in the distance. Holiday love and cheer is in the air. My Chanukah presents were satisfactory. Everything is falling into place. Well almost.
I am at the moment sick and I only have Josh to blame. I can’t remember the last time I got more than four hours of sleep a night. I am still not done with my Chrismukkah shopping. And, I am falling into the big giant holiday stress abyss. No worries, though, I am still happy as a clam and it would take a lot to break me down.
I am really looking forward to New York. The whole family plus Josh are going for Shane’s Bar Mitzvah and then me and Josh have extended our stay for a few more days to make a sort of mini vacation out of it.
Before New York comes though we still have two holidays left. Christmas will involve family gathering hopping. New Years will involve a heavy dose of fun and resolutions. Gifts will be given and I have no doubt a dramatic story arc will play out in one way or another. It always does. We just have to love the holidays.
In other news….I am head over heels for Neil Gaimen. Everyone read him. Do the literature world a favor. Do your brain a favor and read this author. It is like a literary LCD trip. This reminds me that my annual best of lists will be coming to a blog near you. It is that time of year. We all know I have perfect taste so rest assured the lists will be informative.
I am sorry for the sporadic updates. Life has been busy right now. When I have time to breathe I am usually spending it…..yeah well…
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Monday, December 06, 2004
A year end questionaire!
1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
I took a road trip to New Mexico for an REM concert. :)
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I am not sure I remember what they were.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
nope
4. Did anyone close to you die?
no thank God, knock on wood!
5. What countries did you visit?
none, the wedding put a damper on my travel plans
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
Love, more travel, more adventures,
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 16th that was the Irvine show. October 20th it was my first date.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting a full time job and being good at it.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I really did not have any failures. I don't believe in them
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing bad. Normal working out injury stuff.Hurt my back a bit.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
well the best thing was something bought for me which is my diamond right hand ring
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
too many people to name. my friends and family and Josh all treat me wonderful.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I don't let anyones behabior depress me
14. Where did most of your money go?
to clothes and cds and dvds :o
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
all my REM concerts I went to
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Ascent of Man - REM, Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own - U2, My Preogative - Britney
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i.happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? the same
iii. richer or poorer? ehhh the same
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish I would have done more traveling
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
spending money on clothes
20. How will you be spending the Winter?
shopping, traveling to NewYork, cuddling,
22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
with the world
23. How many one-night stands?
none
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Lost and the OC
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don’t hate anybody
26. What was the best book you read?
The Dark Tower VII
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?/new artist for 2004?
Clinic, Secret Machines, Tv on the Radio
28. What did you want and get?
I always get everything I want. I got the person I wanted. I got the gifts I wanted too :)
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Garden State
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 23. I went to see The Delgados. I also had a birthday party. I also got taken to Disneyland. I also had a family lunch thing. I like birthdays
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
my mini REM tour. Meeting all the new people I met.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
always cute. hehe
33. What kept you sane?
not staying in even if I was tired. It kept my mind off of work hanging with my friends.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Michael Stipe and Johnny Depp.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
the elections
36. Who did you miss?
Rachelle and Lyndsey both moved away so I miss them all the time.
37. Who was the best new person you met?
Joshua...
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
Every time you break a bone it grows back even stronger
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Wouldn't it be a lovely headline...'Life is Beautiful'..."
1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
I took a road trip to New Mexico for an REM concert. :)
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I am not sure I remember what they were.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
nope
4. Did anyone close to you die?
no thank God, knock on wood!
5. What countries did you visit?
none, the wedding put a damper on my travel plans
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
Love, more travel, more adventures,
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 16th that was the Irvine show. October 20th it was my first date.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting a full time job and being good at it.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I really did not have any failures. I don't believe in them
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing bad. Normal working out injury stuff.Hurt my back a bit.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
well the best thing was something bought for me which is my diamond right hand ring
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
too many people to name. my friends and family and Josh all treat me wonderful.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I don't let anyones behabior depress me
14. Where did most of your money go?
to clothes and cds and dvds :o
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
all my REM concerts I went to
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Ascent of Man - REM, Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own - U2, My Preogative - Britney
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i.happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? the same
iii. richer or poorer? ehhh the same
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish I would have done more traveling
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
spending money on clothes
20. How will you be spending the Winter?
shopping, traveling to NewYork, cuddling,
22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
with the world
23. How many one-night stands?
none
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Lost and the OC
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don’t hate anybody
26. What was the best book you read?
The Dark Tower VII
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?/new artist for 2004?
Clinic, Secret Machines, Tv on the Radio
28. What did you want and get?
I always get everything I want. I got the person I wanted. I got the gifts I wanted too :)
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Garden State
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 23. I went to see The Delgados. I also had a birthday party. I also got taken to Disneyland. I also had a family lunch thing. I like birthdays
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
my mini REM tour. Meeting all the new people I met.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
always cute. hehe
33. What kept you sane?
not staying in even if I was tired. It kept my mind off of work hanging with my friends.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Michael Stipe and Johnny Depp.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
the elections
36. Who did you miss?
Rachelle and Lyndsey both moved away so I miss them all the time.
37. Who was the best new person you met?
Joshua...
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
Every time you break a bone it grows back even stronger
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Wouldn't it be a lovely headline...'Life is Beautiful'..."
Sunday, December 05, 2004
So what follows is as much of a description of New Mexico that I can give as well as some cute pictures.
You know you are working too hard when you fall asleep watching movies on two different dates. Yeah I am turning into one of those people.
This past week has been one hell of a week. Which, incidentally is the reason I have not had time to post anything.
Got some clarity on a few things this week…some good clarity. Other than that I have been so busy with school, work, and life stuff that I really can’t remember the last time I got four hours of sleep in a night. More updates coming but for now, enjoy the pictures and the New Mex recap!
You know you are working too hard when you fall asleep watching movies on two different dates. Yeah I am turning into one of those people.
This past week has been one hell of a week. Which, incidentally is the reason I have not had time to post anything.
Got some clarity on a few things this week…some good clarity. Other than that I have been so busy with school, work, and life stuff that I really can’t remember the last time I got four hours of sleep in a night. More updates coming but for now, enjoy the pictures and the New Mex recap!
Me and Naomi
Me and Naomi
Originally uploaded by Rachelkap.
Taken right before the concert. We are just so cute! hehe
Surreal…but nice.
If I had a dollar for every time I heard that in the past week, I could finally pay off my damn credit card debt!
Bare with me, this could get crazy. I have not written in a long time due to the fact that for the past week or so my life has been a whirlwind of the most pleasurable magnitude. Don’t worry…I will sleep next year.
Last weekend Steve, Naomi, Josh and I embarked upon our road trip to New Mexico to catch R.E.M’s final North American show. After planning on leaving at 5:00 and actually getting on the road at 7:00 we stopped at some motel in the middle of the night in middle of nowhere to catch some Z’s. You know a motel is interesting when the name on the front is “Route 66” and next door is the Road kill Café. It was getting cold and after Josh turned on the air-conditioning thinking it was the heater, and then finally found something that might look like a heater, we managed to get some sleep. Well by some sleep I mean a couple hours. There seems to have been some slight snoring coming from the other room. Hehe.
We got into New Mexico in the afternoon of the next day and I have to say that Kelly and Donna’s house is just fabulous. You know a house is good when you automatically feel comfortable and at home. Kelly and Donna were the most amazing hosts and it was so good to see them again. Their kids are adorable and just what I imagined them to be.
So we finally get to the concert and of course REM put on one hell of a show. It is such a shame I don’t get to see them again until London next summer, but I consider myself lucky anyway. After the show we managed to party at Kelly and Donna’s until the wee hours of the morning….or at least until I passed out on the stairs and had to be put to bed. The party was…surreal but nice.
Then the snow came…
I tried to have a snowball fight in the morning. That did not work. We wanted to get out of town by 9:00 AM. That did not work. There was black ice on the roads and I had to flirt with a cop just so he would let us pass a roadblock. For a few hours we even had to snail along at half speed. However, 13 hours later we made it back home safe and sound. The road trip was over. The experience still fresh in our minds. The happiness and pleasure feeling set to last a long long time.
At the moment I am still bathing in the afterglow of the trip (among other things). Sometimes things happen that we bundle up into these little pockets of time. We can go back and think about these pockets always with a smile on our face. New Mexico is now in a little pocket of time.
If I had a dollar for every time I heard that in the past week, I could finally pay off my damn credit card debt!
Bare with me, this could get crazy. I have not written in a long time due to the fact that for the past week or so my life has been a whirlwind of the most pleasurable magnitude. Don’t worry…I will sleep next year.
Last weekend Steve, Naomi, Josh and I embarked upon our road trip to New Mexico to catch R.E.M’s final North American show. After planning on leaving at 5:00 and actually getting on the road at 7:00 we stopped at some motel in the middle of the night in middle of nowhere to catch some Z’s. You know a motel is interesting when the name on the front is “Route 66” and next door is the Road kill Café. It was getting cold and after Josh turned on the air-conditioning thinking it was the heater, and then finally found something that might look like a heater, we managed to get some sleep. Well by some sleep I mean a couple hours. There seems to have been some slight snoring coming from the other room. Hehe.
We got into New Mexico in the afternoon of the next day and I have to say that Kelly and Donna’s house is just fabulous. You know a house is good when you automatically feel comfortable and at home. Kelly and Donna were the most amazing hosts and it was so good to see them again. Their kids are adorable and just what I imagined them to be.
So we finally get to the concert and of course REM put on one hell of a show. It is such a shame I don’t get to see them again until London next summer, but I consider myself lucky anyway. After the show we managed to party at Kelly and Donna’s until the wee hours of the morning….or at least until I passed out on the stairs and had to be put to bed. The party was…surreal but nice.
Then the snow came…
I tried to have a snowball fight in the morning. That did not work. We wanted to get out of town by 9:00 AM. That did not work. There was black ice on the roads and I had to flirt with a cop just so he would let us pass a roadblock. For a few hours we even had to snail along at half speed. However, 13 hours later we made it back home safe and sound. The road trip was over. The experience still fresh in our minds. The happiness and pleasure feeling set to last a long long time.
At the moment I am still bathing in the afterglow of the trip (among other things). Sometimes things happen that we bundle up into these little pockets of time. We can go back and think about these pockets always with a smile on our face. New Mexico is now in a little pocket of time.
Me and Joshy
Me and Joshy
Originally uploaded by Rachelkap.
Yeah I was a little drunk in this picture. In fact, the memory of when this picture was taken is slightly blurry. But damn it is a cute picture!
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Through the looking glass....
I have not written in a while due to some business I just can't shake.
Sunday Simoney and me went to the Hustler store to stock on some goodies. And man did I stock up. We also got money a new vibrator, which she better be practicing with now! I got so many cool things like honey powder, heated massage oil, and some new ruffled panties. :)
Last night I got one of my best birthday presents. (Yes I am still celebrating my birthday get over it) I got taken to Disneyland and I even got an annual pass. :) I have not been in months and it was so beautiful so see all the holiday decorations. They made the Haunted Mansion up for the holidays with all Nightmare Before Christmas stuff. I also got to see the fire works and the electric parade. I had not been to the California Adventure Park ever, so it was really cool to see that. (Of course I can now go all the time hehe)
It got so cold and with all the lights it reminded me of being in New York over Christmas time. Even with just walking down Main Street looking at the holiday windows, I got this nostalgia for the Macy's windows. I hope they are still up in January. I did just find out that my little cousins are already counting down the days to see me. I am so creating monsters.
Aside from all this I have just been hanging out with my girls and enjoying the few hours I am not working or in school. It is nice to have this week off from school, I feel like I can breathe. Tomorrow night Ethan and Amy are coming down since they will then go up to Lake Arrowhead tomorrow with the rest of the family. SANS ME! Yup, that is right I am getting abandoned for Thanksgiving. The kicker is what my gram gram said to me about it.... get over it! I can't believe she said that!
Life is pretty much going to be go go go go for the next few months. Just the way I like it. I am getting a holiday buzz going on. I was in LA on Sunday and saw the new holiday funky lingerie outfits in the Trashy Lingerie window. Funny enough, that is when the buzz hit, thinking about how cute I would look in red velvet lingerie. I love the holidays. I love the lights. I love the presents and the Christmas music. I love the mood everyone gets in, so giving and loving. I know it is bad to celebrate Christmas, but hey it is a great holiday I can't help myself. :) I figure I just get two....or should I say Christmiskah (Thank you Seth)
Not much else to write just wanted to give an update. I shall leave you with a demand...Get the new U2 album!!!!
"The glow of inspiration warms us, it is a holy rapture." - Ovid (yeah I know I am obsessed with him)
I have not written in a while due to some business I just can't shake.
Sunday Simoney and me went to the Hustler store to stock on some goodies. And man did I stock up. We also got money a new vibrator, which she better be practicing with now! I got so many cool things like honey powder, heated massage oil, and some new ruffled panties. :)
Last night I got one of my best birthday presents. (Yes I am still celebrating my birthday get over it) I got taken to Disneyland and I even got an annual pass. :) I have not been in months and it was so beautiful so see all the holiday decorations. They made the Haunted Mansion up for the holidays with all Nightmare Before Christmas stuff. I also got to see the fire works and the electric parade. I had not been to the California Adventure Park ever, so it was really cool to see that. (Of course I can now go all the time hehe)
It got so cold and with all the lights it reminded me of being in New York over Christmas time. Even with just walking down Main Street looking at the holiday windows, I got this nostalgia for the Macy's windows. I hope they are still up in January. I did just find out that my little cousins are already counting down the days to see me. I am so creating monsters.
Aside from all this I have just been hanging out with my girls and enjoying the few hours I am not working or in school. It is nice to have this week off from school, I feel like I can breathe. Tomorrow night Ethan and Amy are coming down since they will then go up to Lake Arrowhead tomorrow with the rest of the family. SANS ME! Yup, that is right I am getting abandoned for Thanksgiving. The kicker is what my gram gram said to me about it.... get over it! I can't believe she said that!
Life is pretty much going to be go go go go for the next few months. Just the way I like it. I am getting a holiday buzz going on. I was in LA on Sunday and saw the new holiday funky lingerie outfits in the Trashy Lingerie window. Funny enough, that is when the buzz hit, thinking about how cute I would look in red velvet lingerie. I love the holidays. I love the lights. I love the presents and the Christmas music. I love the mood everyone gets in, so giving and loving. I know it is bad to celebrate Christmas, but hey it is a great holiday I can't help myself. :) I figure I just get two....or should I say Christmiskah (Thank you Seth)
Not much else to write just wanted to give an update. I shall leave you with a demand...Get the new U2 album!!!!
"The glow of inspiration warms us, it is a holy rapture." - Ovid (yeah I know I am obsessed with him)
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Ok taken from another's blog
A Series of Threes...
THREE THINGS I DO NOT UNDERSTAND (Out of the many...)
1. Depression. I should understand depression because I have been there. However, I don't get it. I don't get how someone can't just choose not to throw caution in the wind and look life in the face and laugh and giggle and have wide eyes of pure awe. Everything, and I mean everything, is a blessing. I wish people would get up every morning and thank their lucky stars for every single thing in their life. Because, we have a life. We are alive. Being alive is the greatest thing and to groan and whine about life when one is actually living it...I just don't understand.
2. I don't understand war. There just has to be another way. War just brings death and destruction and it seems to me that there are no winners ever.
3. I don't understand my head sometimes. It tells me conflicting thoughts and feelings and I know my inner voice is the only truth but damn if that "devil inside" does not get loud sometimes.
THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. Boy shirt undies
2. Birthday suit
3. Baby oil
THREE THINGS ON MY DESK
1. A half a can of diet coke
2. A bunch of pictures
3. Some magazines
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. Jump out of an airplane
2. Fall in love
3. Run with the bulls in Spain
THREE PARTS OF MY HERITAGE
1. Russian
2. Scottish
3. and part Goddess
THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. My eyes
2. My butt
3. My tummy
THREE THINGS I DO NOT LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
ehh not much I am fine with it
THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW ABOUT ME
1. I have survived three near death experiences. (Somebody up there wants me alive!)
2. I have had surgery.
3. I sometimes suffer from night terrors and wake up crying. (Damn over active imagination)
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
1. WhatEVER
2. tsk tsk tsk
3. I am so cute
THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO
1. New York (someday Rachel will live there)
2. Aruba (for the rest of my life this is my paradise)
3. Africa
THREE NAMES THAT I GO BY (ASIDE FROM MY OWN)
1. Rachie
2. Snatchy
3. Precious/sweetheart/cutie pie etc.
Adding a few...
THREE THINGS I WILL NEVER DO
1. Throw myself a pity party. - They are so not worth it
2. Kill anyone (I may threaten though hehe)
3. Regret anything EVER!
THREE "THINGS" I LOVE
1. Passion fruit
2. Orange roses
3. Chocolate anything
THREE THINGS I AM GREATFUL FOR
1. Everything
2. Everything
3. Did I mention everything?
THREE "FAULTS" OF MINE
1. I am hot headed
2. I am spoiled
3. I am such a brat
THREE ASPECTS OF ME I LOVE
1. I am hot headed
2. I am a brat
3. I am confident and I believe in my life and myself. No matter what happens
THREE BOOKS I LOVE
1. The Count of Monte Cristo
2. Something Wicked this way Comes
3. The Idiot
A Series of Threes...
THREE THINGS I DO NOT UNDERSTAND (Out of the many...)
1. Depression. I should understand depression because I have been there. However, I don't get it. I don't get how someone can't just choose not to throw caution in the wind and look life in the face and laugh and giggle and have wide eyes of pure awe. Everything, and I mean everything, is a blessing. I wish people would get up every morning and thank their lucky stars for every single thing in their life. Because, we have a life. We are alive. Being alive is the greatest thing and to groan and whine about life when one is actually living it...I just don't understand.
2. I don't understand war. There just has to be another way. War just brings death and destruction and it seems to me that there are no winners ever.
3. I don't understand my head sometimes. It tells me conflicting thoughts and feelings and I know my inner voice is the only truth but damn if that "devil inside" does not get loud sometimes.
THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. Boy shirt undies
2. Birthday suit
3. Baby oil
THREE THINGS ON MY DESK
1. A half a can of diet coke
2. A bunch of pictures
3. Some magazines
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. Jump out of an airplane
2. Fall in love
3. Run with the bulls in Spain
THREE PARTS OF MY HERITAGE
1. Russian
2. Scottish
3. and part Goddess
THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. My eyes
2. My butt
3. My tummy
THREE THINGS I DO NOT LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
ehh not much I am fine with it
THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW ABOUT ME
1. I have survived three near death experiences. (Somebody up there wants me alive!)
2. I have had surgery.
3. I sometimes suffer from night terrors and wake up crying. (Damn over active imagination)
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
1. WhatEVER
2. tsk tsk tsk
3. I am so cute
THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO
1. New York (someday Rachel will live there)
2. Aruba (for the rest of my life this is my paradise)
3. Africa
THREE NAMES THAT I GO BY (ASIDE FROM MY OWN)
1. Rachie
2. Snatchy
3. Precious/sweetheart/cutie pie etc.
Adding a few...
THREE THINGS I WILL NEVER DO
1. Throw myself a pity party. - They are so not worth it
2. Kill anyone (I may threaten though hehe)
3. Regret anything EVER!
THREE "THINGS" I LOVE
1. Passion fruit
2. Orange roses
3. Chocolate anything
THREE THINGS I AM GREATFUL FOR
1. Everything
2. Everything
3. Did I mention everything?
THREE "FAULTS" OF MINE
1. I am hot headed
2. I am spoiled
3. I am such a brat
THREE ASPECTS OF ME I LOVE
1. I am hot headed
2. I am a brat
3. I am confident and I believe in my life and myself. No matter what happens
THREE BOOKS I LOVE
1. The Count of Monte Cristo
2. Something Wicked this way Comes
3. The Idiot
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
"All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion, desire." - Aristotle
Chance - I can't talk about chance without writing my favorite quote from one of my favorite poets. "Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be fish." Ovid was essentially the most impassioned poet of his time, as well as the most controversial (writing about sex acts in 10 AD will do that to you). But, here we see that leaving things up to chance is not merely sitting around waiting for something to happen. It also has nothing to do with going out to find it. Leaving things to chance involves being available to receive it, anytime and anyplace. The world will give you what you want, but you do have to live in the world, here and now, to even know what the hell it is giving you. Chance is a mere myth, just as coincidence is a myth. Things you get by chance, people you come across by chance, were supposed to happen. However, leaving things to chance opens doors you never even knew were there to begin with.
Nature - You can't fight nature. The tides chance, the sun rises, no matter how much you don't want it to. The nature of the person is the same way. You can't fight your own nature to be what you are. We learn to appreciate the tides as soon as we accept that that is what is in their nature to do. We learn to accept ourselves when we truly begin to love our own nature. We learn to accept other people as soon as we stop trying to change what is in their nature to be.
Compulsions - Compulsions are mere obsessions in disguise. I don't think they are all a bad thing either. Some of our compulsions are what makes us unique. Just so long as it does not become OCD I think compulsions are a great thing. Whether it be with chocolate, shopping, collecting certain things, a band, or even someone's ass. ;) We identify with people because of their compulsions. Compulsions are something we do unwillingly, some call it a weakness. I have a compulsion toward shopping and chocolate but that is what makes me me.
Habit - Habit is what gives us character. It is not enough to say we are going to do something. We must do it and do it often until it becomes a part of our character. Habits can be good or bad. Good habits, though, are necessary in life.
Reason - ahh reason, like a drug can be harmful in excess. Reason can be useful in solving problems but reason without any heart is horrid. One must follow their heart and instinct and use reason to HELP with the process, not the other way around.
Passion - Passion is probably the single most important thing one needs to have in life. Without passion for anything we would just be hollow shells. If anything can be deemed the most important quality in life, I would say it is passion. Passion is what drives me every day to do what I want to do. He who has passion has everything they need to make it in life. Yes, passion can sometimes cause pain, but it also is the cause for the greatest ecstasy we will ever know.
Desire - In Kabbalah when one asks, "Who am I"? The answer is, we are what we desire. Essentially what we desire makes us who we are and nothing else. I think maybe what we desire is what gives us a reason to even live.
This day has been a weird one for me. I am faced with a big decision and I am not sure what to decide. I have wanted to study in London for as long as I remember. Now I come to find out that may not be possible next semester. I might just have to do the 5-week summer program. (Hey at least REM are still playing this summer in London LOL). The reason I might not be able to go next semester is money. I come to find out that I just can't afford to pay back the loan right now and because of various reasons I will have to start paying it back right away. This is where reality and desire clash. I always say though there is a reason for everything and maybe I am not meant to leave home for 3 months. Maybe I am supposed to go for only 5 weeks. So I can either go in January and get into major debt that I am not sure I can pay off or I can go in the summer for half the cost. I defiantly have a hard decision to make.
Chance - I can't talk about chance without writing my favorite quote from one of my favorite poets. "Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be fish." Ovid was essentially the most impassioned poet of his time, as well as the most controversial (writing about sex acts in 10 AD will do that to you). But, here we see that leaving things up to chance is not merely sitting around waiting for something to happen. It also has nothing to do with going out to find it. Leaving things to chance involves being available to receive it, anytime and anyplace. The world will give you what you want, but you do have to live in the world, here and now, to even know what the hell it is giving you. Chance is a mere myth, just as coincidence is a myth. Things you get by chance, people you come across by chance, were supposed to happen. However, leaving things to chance opens doors you never even knew were there to begin with.
Nature - You can't fight nature. The tides chance, the sun rises, no matter how much you don't want it to. The nature of the person is the same way. You can't fight your own nature to be what you are. We learn to appreciate the tides as soon as we accept that that is what is in their nature to do. We learn to accept ourselves when we truly begin to love our own nature. We learn to accept other people as soon as we stop trying to change what is in their nature to be.
Compulsions - Compulsions are mere obsessions in disguise. I don't think they are all a bad thing either. Some of our compulsions are what makes us unique. Just so long as it does not become OCD I think compulsions are a great thing. Whether it be with chocolate, shopping, collecting certain things, a band, or even someone's ass. ;) We identify with people because of their compulsions. Compulsions are something we do unwillingly, some call it a weakness. I have a compulsion toward shopping and chocolate but that is what makes me me.
Habit - Habit is what gives us character. It is not enough to say we are going to do something. We must do it and do it often until it becomes a part of our character. Habits can be good or bad. Good habits, though, are necessary in life.
Reason - ahh reason, like a drug can be harmful in excess. Reason can be useful in solving problems but reason without any heart is horrid. One must follow their heart and instinct and use reason to HELP with the process, not the other way around.
Passion - Passion is probably the single most important thing one needs to have in life. Without passion for anything we would just be hollow shells. If anything can be deemed the most important quality in life, I would say it is passion. Passion is what drives me every day to do what I want to do. He who has passion has everything they need to make it in life. Yes, passion can sometimes cause pain, but it also is the cause for the greatest ecstasy we will ever know.
Desire - In Kabbalah when one asks, "Who am I"? The answer is, we are what we desire. Essentially what we desire makes us who we are and nothing else. I think maybe what we desire is what gives us a reason to even live.
This day has been a weird one for me. I am faced with a big decision and I am not sure what to decide. I have wanted to study in London for as long as I remember. Now I come to find out that may not be possible next semester. I might just have to do the 5-week summer program. (Hey at least REM are still playing this summer in London LOL). The reason I might not be able to go next semester is money. I come to find out that I just can't afford to pay back the loan right now and because of various reasons I will have to start paying it back right away. This is where reality and desire clash. I always say though there is a reason for everything and maybe I am not meant to leave home for 3 months. Maybe I am supposed to go for only 5 weeks. So I can either go in January and get into major debt that I am not sure I can pay off or I can go in the summer for half the cost. I defiantly have a hard decision to make.
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Me and Maytal!
Me and Maytal!
Originally uploaded by Rachelkap.
I get touchy when I am drunk, what can I say....hehe
more photos soon!!
drinking an oatmeal cookie
drinking an oatmeal cookie
Originally uploaded by Rachelkap.
Me, Maytal and Lena...when I was still standing.
Getting started
Getting started
Originally uploaded by Rachelkap.
Some pictures from last night. This was before we even got there. We started early. :)
Birthday madness is painful! AND, it is not even over, we are only halfway through November and I have about two or three more plans for my birthday left.
To better explain last night’s birthday party, let me give an example to what I woke up to.
A cut on my hand that was bleeding
- Various messages on my phone that included:
"Where are you"?
"Hey Rach, just wanted to say you are a good kisser..." (From Maytal!)
"Are you ok, how are you feeling"?
- No recollection of how I got home and into my bed
- A new insight to how people change sometimes
- The worst hangover EVER!
I had to perform a blowjob on a cucumber where I then proceeded to walk around with it asking strangers if they were jealous.
We all know how I say what is on my mind all the time; add alcohol and well you get the idea...
I loved my gifts though and it was so good to hang out with some of my girlfriends. A good time was had by all. :)
Pictures following...
To better explain last night’s birthday party, let me give an example to what I woke up to.
A cut on my hand that was bleeding
- Various messages on my phone that included:
"Where are you"?
"Hey Rach, just wanted to say you are a good kisser..." (From Maytal!)
"Are you ok, how are you feeling"?
- No recollection of how I got home and into my bed
- A new insight to how people change sometimes
- The worst hangover EVER!
I had to perform a blowjob on a cucumber where I then proceeded to walk around with it asking strangers if they were jealous.
We all know how I say what is on my mind all the time; add alcohol and well you get the idea...
I loved my gifts though and it was so good to hang out with some of my girlfriends. A good time was had by all. :)
Pictures following...
The three of us!!
The three of us!!
Originally uploaded by Rachelkap.
testing again. I promise I will post my pictures from last night on here now that I think I got the hang of this thing. Oh yikes, too bad I don't remember taking any of the pictures, lets hope they come out good. :)
weddingthegirls
weddingthegirls
Originally uploaded by Rachelkap.
This is just a test. I am learning how to post pics. Being that I have a million pictures and my blog can look bland without them. So here are the girls, all of us in are pretty dresses. :)
Friday, November 12, 2004
I was going through some photographs late last night because I am working on making some albums. It is funny how all of our memories can be summed up into these snap shots. I had this pile of shots dating all the way to when I was a baby (and a damn cute one at that!), up until now. There was my life, spread out before me, all fitting into one album. I found myself wondering if a stranger were to look at this album what would they think?
They would see smiley happy baby photos, dance photos, party photos birthday photos and an entire year of my life missing from that time line. Not one picture exists in print of my 14th year, does that mean something to a stranger? Would they wonder why?
So they would see a happy childhood, a hole in the timeline, various friends growing up with me and various friends fading in and out as the years went by. They would see me grow up (well not literally).
Certain years' pictures were centered around certain groups of people and yet some people remain throughout. They would see my parents age and my brother grow up as well. Is this what my life is? One picture album? They would see vacations and trips, competitions and school proms.
So my question would be what would a stranger think of me, looking at this album? Each of these pictures mean something special to me. A happy memory, a painful memory, a good story, a funny story, a loved one, they all mean something.
When my grandparents house burnt down they lost everything, except their pictures. They had 10 minutes to grab what they could and go. They grabbed their pictures.
I have been dabbing in photography for years now, even getting paid now and then. Always pictures. Always assigning a meaning to them. So really, what do pictures really mean?
They are all just a memory
They would see smiley happy baby photos, dance photos, party photos birthday photos and an entire year of my life missing from that time line. Not one picture exists in print of my 14th year, does that mean something to a stranger? Would they wonder why?
So they would see a happy childhood, a hole in the timeline, various friends growing up with me and various friends fading in and out as the years went by. They would see me grow up (well not literally).
Certain years' pictures were centered around certain groups of people and yet some people remain throughout. They would see my parents age and my brother grow up as well. Is this what my life is? One picture album? They would see vacations and trips, competitions and school proms.
So my question would be what would a stranger think of me, looking at this album? Each of these pictures mean something special to me. A happy memory, a painful memory, a good story, a funny story, a loved one, they all mean something.
When my grandparents house burnt down they lost everything, except their pictures. They had 10 minutes to grab what they could and go. They grabbed their pictures.
I have been dabbing in photography for years now, even getting paid now and then. Always pictures. Always assigning a meaning to them. So really, what do pictures really mean?
They are all just a memory
Thursday, November 11, 2004
I am wondering, how sometimes life sneaks up on us and gives us the most surprising gifts and the oddest times. Amy called yesterday, just like that. Amy called and this was following a heated meeting we had, and a missed birthday of mine on her part. Amy called and we talked like we normally do, as friends. She asked the gossip on my life and filled me in on hers. We talked of anything and everything and it almost seemed normal. Could this be the start of our friendship starting a new?
How much can one damage a friendship and still rebuild it once again? Josh says that if it is a strong friendship there usually is a good foundation to build upon. If anything, Amy and me do have a strong foundation. I have no clue what the next few weeks will bring in regards to Amy and me. She is coming on Saturday and I am excited about that. I guess we will just have to build from there.
It is weird how just a bit ago I thought me and Amy could never be friends again...and now I see hope. Ah for some reason I think the rest of the year is going to be just peachy. :)
I really have nothing else to write about today, some stuff is brewing, but until then...
"Fortune and Love favor the brave" - Ovid
How much can one damage a friendship and still rebuild it once again? Josh says that if it is a strong friendship there usually is a good foundation to build upon. If anything, Amy and me do have a strong foundation. I have no clue what the next few weeks will bring in regards to Amy and me. She is coming on Saturday and I am excited about that. I guess we will just have to build from there.
It is weird how just a bit ago I thought me and Amy could never be friends again...and now I see hope. Ah for some reason I think the rest of the year is going to be just peachy. :)
I really have nothing else to write about today, some stuff is brewing, but until then...
"Fortune and Love favor the brave" - Ovid
Friday, November 05, 2004
A few things that just need to be said. Actually there are many things that need to be said. I apologize first, if it all comes out like a bunch of mush.
This might be long but it is less than 12 hours until my 23 birthday so I can ge away with everything
This year has been about changes. I have been going through cycles (literally) of intense passion and intense apathy. I have gone through the ups and downs and euphoria and depression. I have seen despair, pain, love, joy, wonder, and most of all questions and answers. I have seen questions in everything this year; I have found answers in many. I have been witness to things I have found painful to watch or witness to things I wish others did not have to go through. I also have been witness to some of the most beautiful things I might ever see. The ebb and flow of life has caused chaos for me this year, but the good kind. It has caused me to throw away any attachments I have had to any plan I thought I had, any thought I had at the way I thought things "should be" and sort of let things unfold as the way they were supposed to be. What came of it was one of the most chaotically beautiful and educational years of my life.
And this is what I learned...
Obstacles are blessings and sometimes we need them. There is a plan for us all and if God does not like the plan we are following he just might pull the rug out from underneath us. Think of it this way, you would rather have the band-aid ripped off fast then slowly and painfully. This year there were many rugs pulled out from underneath me and the people I know. I think we were all left standing with our hands in the air asking, "Well what now"? We thought we saw grad school in our future, or a wedding, certain people alive, certain jobs, and maybe even a whole entire life plan if we were that anal. And suddenly the band-aid was pulled off and we were left with an open wound and that picture we painted no longer exists. Here lies he blessing. Once the band-aid is off, the wound can heal. Once the air is clear, we can paint whatever new pictures we want. We can go back to grad school. We can defy our family and do whatever job we want. We can go back to regular school and prove everyone wrong. We can do whatever we want to do because that is what we are supposed to do. Paulo Coelho said, "to realize ones own destiny is ones only obligation in life." Well what some of us thought was our destiny, just wasn't.
Many know of the celestial kick in the ass that comes around the age of 27 - 30 called the Saturn return. The Saturn return is, essentially the time when Saturn returns to the spot it was when you were born. If your life is not where it should be, everything gets sort of screwed up and you have to start over. If you don't, then you will just get another "kick in the ass" and the next Saturn Return (which is why you see some whacked out 65 year olds who dump their lives and start anew)
I think my brother started his a year early this year. I actually know a few guys that had their Saturn returns this year. We just all got our asses kicked. But, like I said, this is all a blessing in disguise.
Next lesson learned...
You CAN choose to be happy. If you don't believe anything I say, please believe this. I am the first person in the world that would ever discount this rule. For goodness sakes, I spent 6 months locked in my room depressed (literally!). But, it is true, you can choose it. It really is quite simple. It involves a choice. Getting stuck in depression is a comfort zone ya see. We get comfortable thinking about our painful past. We lived through it; we know it and we are safe there. We feel comfortable wallowing in our own self-pity and insecurity because it is easy. It is a lot harder to be happy, that is scary, and that takes us into the unknown, into the impossible, into the infinite, into the future. It is out of our comfort zone to actually love ourselves, despite our flaws, despite the fact that we might not have everything but we may have something. It is scary to be happy with someone else, or at a new job, or at a new school. We get happy, we get scared, we get hurt. It is a vicious cycle. But, it does not have to be that way. All you have to do is choose happiness every single morning.
I was talking to someone yesterday about it when they were less than happy. I reminded them of Peter Pan, a boy I refer to many times when thinking of inspiration. They could only fly when they thought happy thoughts. They fell out of the sky when they thought of anything bad. Of course, I am not saying we can be goody Pollyanna’s all the time. We are human, we
cry. But isn't it nice to know, that it is ok to be happy and it is something that we do have control over? I mean I know that some days we are so stuck in that place where the world looks like crap and all we want to do is curl on the sofa in are comfy sweats eating ice cream and watching sex and the city episodes while we can pretend what is going on "out there" isn't really happening. I know sometimes the tears will come so fast we feel like we might choke on them. It is just easier to get out of. Harder to stay down for the count, if you know that you are putting yourself there.
Next lesson...
Hold onto your friends as tight as you hold onto your closest family members. This is not a suggestion this is a downright demand. I have made some mistakes this past year, letting some friends go for petty stupid arguments. Other friends have made mistakes as well. Thank God, at years end we can all sit down together and laugh through how stupid we all were and the friendships that were damaged are working toward building again. I think, regarding one of my most important friendships (and you know who you are), I was upset because I wanted things to be the way things were, instead of accepting the way things were becoming. Friendships, just like relationships, can change. And while someone may not be in my life every day like they used to, they can always be "with me." Old friendships will go through cycles and yet if they are strong, they will remain in your life forever.
At years end me and everyone around me find ourselves in the calm before the storm. I had talked of the supernova a while ago and I feel it started to explode. None of us know what the hell we are doing. We started school again. We started grad school again. We got new jobs. We lost jobs. We got rid of old relationships. We said goodbyes. We said some new hellos. We lost beliefs we held dear. Whatever happened, it is an understatement to say we all got that rug pulled out from underneath us. We are now all left standing with questions rather than answers, something that would piss off any Kaplan. But, this year has been about living with the questions, and for some reason that gives me more satisfaction than any answer could. An answer means an ending, and this year, sometimes painful and sometimes more beautiful than words can know, is about new beginnings.
So, sorry if this made no sense at all, but Happy Birthday to me anyway. I am now OLD!!!!! :)
Year End Highlights (from what I remember hehe)
- Getting wasted on New Years 2003 with Rachelle and Lyndsey and all those guys from high school i had not seen in a longggggg time. Kissing 5 of my friends (guys and girls hahahaha) at midnight because of said wastedness.
- Coachella this summer. The concerts were awesome and getting to the front row of the pit was amazing! The whole weekend was an adventure. BUT I have to say what sticks out in my mind now is how much I am a warrior for getting trampled and knocked unconscious in the pit of a concert baby!!! HHAHA
- Going clubbing at Rage with Brandon and allllll those HOT HOT men. Yeah too bad none of them wanted anything to do with me because I had female parts hehe. But, actually that is what makes clubbing with them fun. I can dance with them without having to worry about what their idea of dancing is. See their idea of dancing was dancing, not rubbing their hard on up against you.
- Probably the biggest EVENT of the year. Ethan and Amy - the wedding saga. I could spend a novel describing what the few months leading up to August 7th were like, but just rent My Big Fat Greek Wedding and replace the Greek with Jewish and you will get a pretty good idea. The day was gorgeous though. Amy looked breathtaking. Ethan looked handsome. Hell, I looked damn good as well ;)
The wedding was fun and I have to say the after party was HELLLLLLAAAAA FUN!!!!
- Amy's bachlerette party. I am not going to get into this. Vegas. Table dancing. Handcuffs. Drunk. We do not need to go any further.
- All the trillion concerts I went to.
- My REM groupie tour. We just talked about this so I will not bore you again with the details
- Spending the summer with my girls doing nothing anyone but us would understand. No one but us will understand how we can watch the same episode of Sex and the City 10 times and not get sick of it. No one but us will not get weirded out by out idiosyncrasies. This was the laid back summer compared to last, but in a way it was perfect.
- Getting closer with my mom.
- Escaping to Santa Barbara at a moments notice
This might be long but it is less than 12 hours until my 23 birthday so I can ge away with everything
This year has been about changes. I have been going through cycles (literally) of intense passion and intense apathy. I have gone through the ups and downs and euphoria and depression. I have seen despair, pain, love, joy, wonder, and most of all questions and answers. I have seen questions in everything this year; I have found answers in many. I have been witness to things I have found painful to watch or witness to things I wish others did not have to go through. I also have been witness to some of the most beautiful things I might ever see. The ebb and flow of life has caused chaos for me this year, but the good kind. It has caused me to throw away any attachments I have had to any plan I thought I had, any thought I had at the way I thought things "should be" and sort of let things unfold as the way they were supposed to be. What came of it was one of the most chaotically beautiful and educational years of my life.
And this is what I learned...
Obstacles are blessings and sometimes we need them. There is a plan for us all and if God does not like the plan we are following he just might pull the rug out from underneath us. Think of it this way, you would rather have the band-aid ripped off fast then slowly and painfully. This year there were many rugs pulled out from underneath me and the people I know. I think we were all left standing with our hands in the air asking, "Well what now"? We thought we saw grad school in our future, or a wedding, certain people alive, certain jobs, and maybe even a whole entire life plan if we were that anal. And suddenly the band-aid was pulled off and we were left with an open wound and that picture we painted no longer exists. Here lies he blessing. Once the band-aid is off, the wound can heal. Once the air is clear, we can paint whatever new pictures we want. We can go back to grad school. We can defy our family and do whatever job we want. We can go back to regular school and prove everyone wrong. We can do whatever we want to do because that is what we are supposed to do. Paulo Coelho said, "to realize ones own destiny is ones only obligation in life." Well what some of us thought was our destiny, just wasn't.
Many know of the celestial kick in the ass that comes around the age of 27 - 30 called the Saturn return. The Saturn return is, essentially the time when Saturn returns to the spot it was when you were born. If your life is not where it should be, everything gets sort of screwed up and you have to start over. If you don't, then you will just get another "kick in the ass" and the next Saturn Return (which is why you see some whacked out 65 year olds who dump their lives and start anew)
I think my brother started his a year early this year. I actually know a few guys that had their Saturn returns this year. We just all got our asses kicked. But, like I said, this is all a blessing in disguise.
Next lesson learned...
You CAN choose to be happy. If you don't believe anything I say, please believe this. I am the first person in the world that would ever discount this rule. For goodness sakes, I spent 6 months locked in my room depressed (literally!). But, it is true, you can choose it. It really is quite simple. It involves a choice. Getting stuck in depression is a comfort zone ya see. We get comfortable thinking about our painful past. We lived through it; we know it and we are safe there. We feel comfortable wallowing in our own self-pity and insecurity because it is easy. It is a lot harder to be happy, that is scary, and that takes us into the unknown, into the impossible, into the infinite, into the future. It is out of our comfort zone to actually love ourselves, despite our flaws, despite the fact that we might not have everything but we may have something. It is scary to be happy with someone else, or at a new job, or at a new school. We get happy, we get scared, we get hurt. It is a vicious cycle. But, it does not have to be that way. All you have to do is choose happiness every single morning.
I was talking to someone yesterday about it when they were less than happy. I reminded them of Peter Pan, a boy I refer to many times when thinking of inspiration. They could only fly when they thought happy thoughts. They fell out of the sky when they thought of anything bad. Of course, I am not saying we can be goody Pollyanna’s all the time. We are human, we
cry. But isn't it nice to know, that it is ok to be happy and it is something that we do have control over? I mean I know that some days we are so stuck in that place where the world looks like crap and all we want to do is curl on the sofa in are comfy sweats eating ice cream and watching sex and the city episodes while we can pretend what is going on "out there" isn't really happening. I know sometimes the tears will come so fast we feel like we might choke on them. It is just easier to get out of. Harder to stay down for the count, if you know that you are putting yourself there.
Next lesson...
Hold onto your friends as tight as you hold onto your closest family members. This is not a suggestion this is a downright demand. I have made some mistakes this past year, letting some friends go for petty stupid arguments. Other friends have made mistakes as well. Thank God, at years end we can all sit down together and laugh through how stupid we all were and the friendships that were damaged are working toward building again. I think, regarding one of my most important friendships (and you know who you are), I was upset because I wanted things to be the way things were, instead of accepting the way things were becoming. Friendships, just like relationships, can change. And while someone may not be in my life every day like they used to, they can always be "with me." Old friendships will go through cycles and yet if they are strong, they will remain in your life forever.
At years end me and everyone around me find ourselves in the calm before the storm. I had talked of the supernova a while ago and I feel it started to explode. None of us know what the hell we are doing. We started school again. We started grad school again. We got new jobs. We lost jobs. We got rid of old relationships. We said goodbyes. We said some new hellos. We lost beliefs we held dear. Whatever happened, it is an understatement to say we all got that rug pulled out from underneath us. We are now all left standing with questions rather than answers, something that would piss off any Kaplan. But, this year has been about living with the questions, and for some reason that gives me more satisfaction than any answer could. An answer means an ending, and this year, sometimes painful and sometimes more beautiful than words can know, is about new beginnings.
So, sorry if this made no sense at all, but Happy Birthday to me anyway. I am now OLD!!!!! :)
Year End Highlights (from what I remember hehe)
- Getting wasted on New Years 2003 with Rachelle and Lyndsey and all those guys from high school i had not seen in a longggggg time. Kissing 5 of my friends (guys and girls hahahaha) at midnight because of said wastedness.
- Coachella this summer. The concerts were awesome and getting to the front row of the pit was amazing! The whole weekend was an adventure. BUT I have to say what sticks out in my mind now is how much I am a warrior for getting trampled and knocked unconscious in the pit of a concert baby!!! HHAHA
- Going clubbing at Rage with Brandon and allllll those HOT HOT men. Yeah too bad none of them wanted anything to do with me because I had female parts hehe. But, actually that is what makes clubbing with them fun. I can dance with them without having to worry about what their idea of dancing is. See their idea of dancing was dancing, not rubbing their hard on up against you.
- Probably the biggest EVENT of the year. Ethan and Amy - the wedding saga. I could spend a novel describing what the few months leading up to August 7th were like, but just rent My Big Fat Greek Wedding and replace the Greek with Jewish and you will get a pretty good idea. The day was gorgeous though. Amy looked breathtaking. Ethan looked handsome. Hell, I looked damn good as well ;)
The wedding was fun and I have to say the after party was HELLLLLLAAAAA FUN!!!!
- Amy's bachlerette party. I am not going to get into this. Vegas. Table dancing. Handcuffs. Drunk. We do not need to go any further.
- All the trillion concerts I went to.
- My REM groupie tour. We just talked about this so I will not bore you again with the details
- Spending the summer with my girls doing nothing anyone but us would understand. No one but us will understand how we can watch the same episode of Sex and the City 10 times and not get sick of it. No one but us will not get weirded out by out idiosyncrasies. This was the laid back summer compared to last, but in a way it was perfect.
- Getting closer with my mom.
- Escaping to Santa Barbara at a moments notice
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Connections a slight buzz and the continuing story of a mystery call
It would be a little easier to explain the way I am if one knew the way I grew up. Some people call the way I grew up naive. I call it lucky I have come to know that we do not expect what we do not know. For example, that is why many woman who had abusive fathers end up in abusive relationships, it is all they know.
So I grew up with really smart people around me. I grew up with smart, successful, strong, dignified, chivalrous, and genuine men. I grew up with graceful, strong, proud, and confident women. I know I am turning into one of these women and only associate myself with these types of men...it is all I know. This is why it REALLY PISSES ME OFF to see one of my beautiful, smart, confident girlfriends with asshole shithead guys!!!! It really pisses me off when said guys hurt said friend. There are some great guys out there. I know tons of them. I am going to start hiring them to kick these loser guys' asses. Mini rant over. :)
So I got my history test back and in no way did I deserve the A I got. Yes, this is the history class with the hot and smart teacher. So at best I deserved a B on that test. My conclusion is hot teacher is either an easy grader or he also thinks someone has a seductive smile haha. All kidding aside, I think he was just being nice to little ole me. I am not complaining though, I might end up getting straight A's this semester after all.
The birthday buzz is starting. Saturday Amy and Ethan have planned a concert I have been wanting to go to. Steve and Brendan are joining. Sunday is the family traditional thing. Oh joy. So Nir always comes with me to be my support through it all, and sometimes a few other friends. Lyndsey and Rachelle obviously can't be there this year because they have a slight case of the outofstates so I was really relying on Nir. Now tell me if I am being all selfish...BUT this is my family lunch thing. My family likes Nir's girlfriend and everything of course. They have known her since she was little. But, they are not close with her. I am not close with her anymore. Nir is supposed to be coming for me! Yet when I called to talk to him about Sunday he asked if he could bring her and what was I supposed to say? I can't be a mean girl and say no but how weird is that? It is a family thing. I can understand her coming to a friend thing. Or I could just be being a prissy girl.
So, moving on...
The following Saturday, since Simone’s birthday is near mine, me, some of the girls and some guys are going clubbing. Good thing, I need to let off steam but these guys better be some damn good dancers or they so are not dancing with me. haha Seriously though it will be fun to hang out with the girls for our birthdays. I have not seen Simone in over a month. And, speaking of long time no see, there is the Anna situation. Anna, I had not seen or talked to since February, until last night. I cannot for the life of me remember why we fought to begin with and neither can she. But for some reason we had a fight and being that the only person more stubborn than I am is Anna, we just stopped talking. Simone split her time between us but with our looming birthdays Anna bit the bullet and IM'd me last night. Here is the thing with Anna. I did not talk to her for months and yet nothing changed. We forgot that we hada fight and just jumped right into being friends again, which usually consists of:
(Warning taken from an actual IM)
Anna - Hey Bitch
Rachel - Hey You
Anna - still causing trouble you horny scorpion?
Rachel - as always
Anna - thought so
Rachel - I miss your ass
Anna - I miss your ass
Rachel - I miss grabbing yours
So anyway, the rest gets censored haha. But, I get to see Anna next Saturday. Which to me is the best birthday present in the world. I seriously can't remember why we had a fight. I don't think it even matters anymore.
So all in all the birthday month plans are looking good so far. Of course, those can't be the only plans hehe, but it is early yet. :)
So, I got another call from mystery private caller last night, Luckily, I did not give him a chance to say much before I hung up. It was at about 2 o clock AM, around the same time as last time. I would not have answered but I thought it was someone else. Serves me right for answering a caller ID blocked number; I should know better. It is not freaking me out anymore. I mean, what he says is sooooooo vulgar and gross and perverted. But, it is just pissing me off that I don't know who it is. I have a slight feeling that it is a friend of a certain guy, but nothing is concrete. One thing is for sure; I am not answering any caller ID blocked numbers anymore, at least none that come late at night.
I really truly am so happy right now about reconnecting with Anna. It is amazing what impact friendships can have. Some friends become family we make for ourselves. I consider myself lucky to have such a large family. I think it is growing by the years. People I love surround me and at this time of year, nothing could be better. Well...almost nothing;)
It would be a little easier to explain the way I am if one knew the way I grew up. Some people call the way I grew up naive. I call it lucky I have come to know that we do not expect what we do not know. For example, that is why many woman who had abusive fathers end up in abusive relationships, it is all they know.
So I grew up with really smart people around me. I grew up with smart, successful, strong, dignified, chivalrous, and genuine men. I grew up with graceful, strong, proud, and confident women. I know I am turning into one of these women and only associate myself with these types of men...it is all I know. This is why it REALLY PISSES ME OFF to see one of my beautiful, smart, confident girlfriends with asshole shithead guys!!!! It really pisses me off when said guys hurt said friend. There are some great guys out there. I know tons of them. I am going to start hiring them to kick these loser guys' asses. Mini rant over. :)
So I got my history test back and in no way did I deserve the A I got. Yes, this is the history class with the hot and smart teacher. So at best I deserved a B on that test. My conclusion is hot teacher is either an easy grader or he also thinks someone has a seductive smile haha. All kidding aside, I think he was just being nice to little ole me. I am not complaining though, I might end up getting straight A's this semester after all.
The birthday buzz is starting. Saturday Amy and Ethan have planned a concert I have been wanting to go to. Steve and Brendan are joining. Sunday is the family traditional thing. Oh joy. So Nir always comes with me to be my support through it all, and sometimes a few other friends. Lyndsey and Rachelle obviously can't be there this year because they have a slight case of the outofstates so I was really relying on Nir. Now tell me if I am being all selfish...BUT this is my family lunch thing. My family likes Nir's girlfriend and everything of course. They have known her since she was little. But, they are not close with her. I am not close with her anymore. Nir is supposed to be coming for me! Yet when I called to talk to him about Sunday he asked if he could bring her and what was I supposed to say? I can't be a mean girl and say no but how weird is that? It is a family thing. I can understand her coming to a friend thing. Or I could just be being a prissy girl.
So, moving on...
The following Saturday, since Simone’s birthday is near mine, me, some of the girls and some guys are going clubbing. Good thing, I need to let off steam but these guys better be some damn good dancers or they so are not dancing with me. haha Seriously though it will be fun to hang out with the girls for our birthdays. I have not seen Simone in over a month. And, speaking of long time no see, there is the Anna situation. Anna, I had not seen or talked to since February, until last night. I cannot for the life of me remember why we fought to begin with and neither can she. But for some reason we had a fight and being that the only person more stubborn than I am is Anna, we just stopped talking. Simone split her time between us but with our looming birthdays Anna bit the bullet and IM'd me last night. Here is the thing with Anna. I did not talk to her for months and yet nothing changed. We forgot that we hada fight and just jumped right into being friends again, which usually consists of:
(Warning taken from an actual IM)
Anna - Hey Bitch
Rachel - Hey You
Anna - still causing trouble you horny scorpion?
Rachel - as always
Anna - thought so
Rachel - I miss your ass
Anna - I miss your ass
Rachel - I miss grabbing yours
So anyway, the rest gets censored haha. But, I get to see Anna next Saturday. Which to me is the best birthday present in the world. I seriously can't remember why we had a fight. I don't think it even matters anymore.
So all in all the birthday month plans are looking good so far. Of course, those can't be the only plans hehe, but it is early yet. :)
So, I got another call from mystery private caller last night, Luckily, I did not give him a chance to say much before I hung up. It was at about 2 o clock AM, around the same time as last time. I would not have answered but I thought it was someone else. Serves me right for answering a caller ID blocked number; I should know better. It is not freaking me out anymore. I mean, what he says is sooooooo vulgar and gross and perverted. But, it is just pissing me off that I don't know who it is. I have a slight feeling that it is a friend of a certain guy, but nothing is concrete. One thing is for sure; I am not answering any caller ID blocked numbers anymore, at least none that come late at night.
I really truly am so happy right now about reconnecting with Anna. It is amazing what impact friendships can have. Some friends become family we make for ourselves. I consider myself lucky to have such a large family. I think it is growing by the years. People I love surround me and at this time of year, nothing could be better. Well...almost nothing;)
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Today the world continues to spin. In honor of that I made a list of my favorite things. Ya know in the sound of music there is a storm outside, as soon as the children talked about their favorite things, it would not have mattered if the sky were falling, they retreated to their own little bubble. So, without further delay I give you my favorite things…
Casablanca lilies, orange roses, R.E.M, the feel of soft cotton sheets on naked skin, Clover, the sun over Palm Beach in Aruba, a harvest moon, having someone to cuddle with you to warm you up, sour patch kids, any kind of diamond as long as it is high class and good cut, sunglasses (mostly Fendi and Dolce), getting lost in a good book, getting lost in a good kiss, the feel of the hot sun of my body during the summer, the smell of a bonfire at the beach, swimming in he ocean at night, dancing around my room to loud cheesy music, doing anything possible to make my friends laugh, making babies laugh, my dog Boris, my dog Sugar, my cat Ebony, Via National in Rome which has the best shopping EVER!, the old city of Jerusalem in Israel, diet coke, chocolate, chocolate truffles, chocolate fudge, chocolate ice cream, chocolate cake, chocolate brownies, my black pearl ring, blue topaz, tanzanite, going shopping with my mom since it is our neutral zone and the only time we seem to not fight, my grandma’s sense of class and grace, knowing that when I am old I will have the same sense of class and grace (good genes!!!), the smell of coconut oil, the smell of fresh strawberries, TiVO, my IPOD, Sex and the CIty, hip bones, my hip bones, eyes (especially green or really dark blue), warm hot tea with honey, raw chocolate chip cookie dough, cookies n cream ice cream, faux hawks, black rimmed glasses, singing along with a bad voice, 5 o clock shadow (on a guy), hot doctors, things that sparkle, laughing so hard your stomach gets sore, crying at a really sad movie, getting scared at a really scary movie, laughing at a really funny movie, getting my tummy touched until I feel like I might not be able to take anymore, talking to my girlfriends without actually having to say a word, having a secret code with my girlfriends no guy would ever understand, giving a guy a look only he would understand, cosabella panties, juicy couture sweat suits, being tickled,all of my many many favorite bands,all of my many many favorite books, runners high, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a really really good hamburger, the way you can make someone more confident just by telling them how awesome their ass looks in those jeans, a really good steak, black jack, winning at black jack, dancing all night, my Tibetan wish ring, my charm bracelet, Jim Carrey, Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, my grandfather being the smartest man in the universe, love it all its shapes and sizes, feeling the freedom of bungee jumping, Frankie B jeans, laughing just for the hell of it, crying just for the hell of it, the way a guy smells just after a shower, The Beatles in all their perfection, Michael Stipe’s blue eye shadow, seeing random acts of kindness, being wicked, the word wicked, passion fruit, honey roasted peanuts, a really good politically incorrect joke and last but not least…..the feeling that nothing can happen to get rid of any of our favorite things. EVER!
God Bless America! (For they sell French panties and Swiss chocolate. )
Casablanca lilies, orange roses, R.E.M, the feel of soft cotton sheets on naked skin, Clover, the sun over Palm Beach in Aruba, a harvest moon, having someone to cuddle with you to warm you up, sour patch kids, any kind of diamond as long as it is high class and good cut, sunglasses (mostly Fendi and Dolce), getting lost in a good book, getting lost in a good kiss, the feel of the hot sun of my body during the summer, the smell of a bonfire at the beach, swimming in he ocean at night, dancing around my room to loud cheesy music, doing anything possible to make my friends laugh, making babies laugh, my dog Boris, my dog Sugar, my cat Ebony, Via National in Rome which has the best shopping EVER!, the old city of Jerusalem in Israel, diet coke, chocolate, chocolate truffles, chocolate fudge, chocolate ice cream, chocolate cake, chocolate brownies, my black pearl ring, blue topaz, tanzanite, going shopping with my mom since it is our neutral zone and the only time we seem to not fight, my grandma’s sense of class and grace, knowing that when I am old I will have the same sense of class and grace (good genes!!!), the smell of coconut oil, the smell of fresh strawberries, TiVO, my IPOD, Sex and the CIty, hip bones, my hip bones, eyes (especially green or really dark blue), warm hot tea with honey, raw chocolate chip cookie dough, cookies n cream ice cream, faux hawks, black rimmed glasses, singing along with a bad voice, 5 o clock shadow (on a guy), hot doctors, things that sparkle, laughing so hard your stomach gets sore, crying at a really sad movie, getting scared at a really scary movie, laughing at a really funny movie, getting my tummy touched until I feel like I might not be able to take anymore, talking to my girlfriends without actually having to say a word, having a secret code with my girlfriends no guy would ever understand, giving a guy a look only he would understand, cosabella panties, juicy couture sweat suits, being tickled,all of my many many favorite bands,all of my many many favorite books, runners high, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a really really good hamburger, the way you can make someone more confident just by telling them how awesome their ass looks in those jeans, a really good steak, black jack, winning at black jack, dancing all night, my Tibetan wish ring, my charm bracelet, Jim Carrey, Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, my grandfather being the smartest man in the universe, love it all its shapes and sizes, feeling the freedom of bungee jumping, Frankie B jeans, laughing just for the hell of it, crying just for the hell of it, the way a guy smells just after a shower, The Beatles in all their perfection, Michael Stipe’s blue eye shadow, seeing random acts of kindness, being wicked, the word wicked, passion fruit, honey roasted peanuts, a really good politically incorrect joke and last but not least…..the feeling that nothing can happen to get rid of any of our favorite things. EVER!
God Bless America! (For they sell French panties and Swiss chocolate. )
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
I really do not have anything to write today. I hope everyone voted. I voted. We all know whom I voted for. I have nothing to add. Republicans surround me. I woke up to republican text messages.
There is this guy on CNN named Tucker. He is wearing a RED BOW TIE! Dear god, who dresses some of these people?! He looks like a goober. How can anyone take whatever his opinion is seriously? He is wearing a blue shirt with a red bow tie. It is crooked too. I have just been informed that he always wears this?! Does he know that he looks ridiculous? I guess he is the "conservative" commentator for CNN. Well my my, doesn't he give conservative's sense of style a bad name. HAHA
I really have so much nervous energy I need to get out. I am running around in circles here. I could go see a scary movie. Oh but wait. NO ONE WILL SEE ONE WITH ME! Yeah I now have every friend of mine refusing to see a scary movie with me. Seriously this sucks. What the holy hell man! Everyone, and I mean everyone has now told me they will no longer see a scary movie with me anymore. This is downright ridiculous. I might have to do some drugging and dragging. I am not that bad people I swear. I want to see scary movie!!!! Ohhhhhh the adrenaline rush! It is like a drug. :)
I could also dance around. But, I don't have that kind of nervous energy. I have the type of nervous energy that requires an adrenaline rush. It is the excitement energy. It is the combination of birthday fever. Life fever. Energy. Energy. Energy. I am an adrenaline junkie.
So, in honor of not wanting to sit and watch TV as the clock ticks on by I will blare the cheesy dance tunes, put on some dance tunes and do what I have not done in a long time. I will dance. I will actually do some hard-core dancing. I will put on my dance mix, Tiesto, Fatboy Slim, Christina, Britney, Dj Shadow, you name it and it is there, for my liking. I am going to turn it up so loud the neighbors complain. "It's a wonderful night, you can't take that away from me." Oh yeah baby. And my hips are shaking and I can turn like a spinning top. And no one can take that away from me. Dance is something that is all mine. The world goes away. The world is perfect. Tell me who wins tomorrow.
And being that I have nothing to write I leave you with a quote of someone else’s, I have to take up space somehow. I just realized I am writing about bow ties and dancing so something substantial has to be said, even if the words are not mine...
You need not leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, simply wait. Just learn to become quiet, and still, and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.
-Franz Kafka
There is this guy on CNN named Tucker. He is wearing a RED BOW TIE! Dear god, who dresses some of these people?! He looks like a goober. How can anyone take whatever his opinion is seriously? He is wearing a blue shirt with a red bow tie. It is crooked too. I have just been informed that he always wears this?! Does he know that he looks ridiculous? I guess he is the "conservative" commentator for CNN. Well my my, doesn't he give conservative's sense of style a bad name. HAHA
I really have so much nervous energy I need to get out. I am running around in circles here. I could go see a scary movie. Oh but wait. NO ONE WILL SEE ONE WITH ME! Yeah I now have every friend of mine refusing to see a scary movie with me. Seriously this sucks. What the holy hell man! Everyone, and I mean everyone has now told me they will no longer see a scary movie with me anymore. This is downright ridiculous. I might have to do some drugging and dragging. I am not that bad people I swear. I want to see scary movie!!!! Ohhhhhh the adrenaline rush! It is like a drug. :)
I could also dance around. But, I don't have that kind of nervous energy. I have the type of nervous energy that requires an adrenaline rush. It is the excitement energy. It is the combination of birthday fever. Life fever. Energy. Energy. Energy. I am an adrenaline junkie.
So, in honor of not wanting to sit and watch TV as the clock ticks on by I will blare the cheesy dance tunes, put on some dance tunes and do what I have not done in a long time. I will dance. I will actually do some hard-core dancing. I will put on my dance mix, Tiesto, Fatboy Slim, Christina, Britney, Dj Shadow, you name it and it is there, for my liking. I am going to turn it up so loud the neighbors complain. "It's a wonderful night, you can't take that away from me." Oh yeah baby. And my hips are shaking and I can turn like a spinning top. And no one can take that away from me. Dance is something that is all mine. The world goes away. The world is perfect. Tell me who wins tomorrow.
And being that I have nothing to write I leave you with a quote of someone else’s, I have to take up space somehow. I just realized I am writing about bow ties and dancing so something substantial has to be said, even if the words are not mine...
You need not leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, simply wait. Just learn to become quiet, and still, and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.
-Franz Kafka
Monday, November 01, 2004
A few more random nothings from yours truly...
Note to self - no matter how much me and Amy are the best of friends now, a sex talk might always be awkward. Last night we went to dinner and one was attempted. The problem is I know he is always indirectly talking about my brother. The other problem is she will now always look at me like a little sister so she really does not like to hear who I want to get naked with. No matter how hard we try on this subject, "ewws" and "tmis" always get shouted at each other. We might have to leave this topic alone. It was bad enough giving her chocolate lickable body frosting for her bachlorette party. haha
Around midnight last night I fell into one of my moods. It is common knowledge that I am happy all the time. The moods are rare but they come. I did not know why I fell into depression. But once it hit a snowball effect followed and I found myself depressed about everything. For the past year of my life I have found the perfect balance of having passion about life yet not really caring about anything. The problem is I have become apathetic (slightly). I really have not cared about anything, anyone, any event... I have become hard. This means at times I am hard about my life too.
So I was sitting in my room last night and I looked over at Clover, my good luck charm, and realized how much good luck Clover has truly brought me. It made me cry. Did I really deserve it? Should I care more?
I have a wonderful family. I have amazing friends. I have some amazing new friends. I have a great job. If I lost any of it, what would happen?
This of course started the snowball effect. The common questions arose. What was my purpose? What was I here for? Am I smart enough? Am I beautiful enough? I could not come up with a single answer. Not one. That was ok. I am fine with not knowing. I just wish I knew something rather than nothing.
I wish I knew if I were to be a successful writer. I wish I knew if I were to be happy. I wish I knew where I would be in a year.
Around one in the morning I looked at myself in the mirror and realized how freaking silly I was being. The only thing that was happening was that little devil inside telling me I was not good/smart enough. I was falling into the common trap...the self pity trap. The real voice inside knew that everything is in the right place. The real me knows I am good enough. The real me knows I know how to care. The real me knows all of that. So I started laughing. I laughed for a bit and put on some music. I called a few people, my friends, and went back to life. I went to sleep last night around 3 in an extremely peaceful state. Everything was all right with the world. Everything was all right with my life. I was content once again. The hour of depression was just a minor glitch in the system. Maybe it was a wake up call, telling me it is ok to not be happy all the time. Whatever it was, I feel better today then I have in a long time. My life has its flaws. I may not be smart enough. I may not be good enough. But, I am good enough for me, and I guess that is all that matters
Note to self - When feeling depressed, you can make a choice to get out of it. Usually Clover helps.
Note to EVERYONE else - NOVEMBER 6th is just a few days away hehehehe
Note to self - no matter how much me and Amy are the best of friends now, a sex talk might always be awkward. Last night we went to dinner and one was attempted. The problem is I know he is always indirectly talking about my brother. The other problem is she will now always look at me like a little sister so she really does not like to hear who I want to get naked with. No matter how hard we try on this subject, "ewws" and "tmis" always get shouted at each other. We might have to leave this topic alone. It was bad enough giving her chocolate lickable body frosting for her bachlorette party. haha
Around midnight last night I fell into one of my moods. It is common knowledge that I am happy all the time. The moods are rare but they come. I did not know why I fell into depression. But once it hit a snowball effect followed and I found myself depressed about everything. For the past year of my life I have found the perfect balance of having passion about life yet not really caring about anything. The problem is I have become apathetic (slightly). I really have not cared about anything, anyone, any event... I have become hard. This means at times I am hard about my life too.
So I was sitting in my room last night and I looked over at Clover, my good luck charm, and realized how much good luck Clover has truly brought me. It made me cry. Did I really deserve it? Should I care more?
I have a wonderful family. I have amazing friends. I have some amazing new friends. I have a great job. If I lost any of it, what would happen?
This of course started the snowball effect. The common questions arose. What was my purpose? What was I here for? Am I smart enough? Am I beautiful enough? I could not come up with a single answer. Not one. That was ok. I am fine with not knowing. I just wish I knew something rather than nothing.
I wish I knew if I were to be a successful writer. I wish I knew if I were to be happy. I wish I knew where I would be in a year.
Around one in the morning I looked at myself in the mirror and realized how freaking silly I was being. The only thing that was happening was that little devil inside telling me I was not good/smart enough. I was falling into the common trap...the self pity trap. The real voice inside knew that everything is in the right place. The real me knows I am good enough. The real me knows I know how to care. The real me knows all of that. So I started laughing. I laughed for a bit and put on some music. I called a few people, my friends, and went back to life. I went to sleep last night around 3 in an extremely peaceful state. Everything was all right with the world. Everything was all right with my life. I was content once again. The hour of depression was just a minor glitch in the system. Maybe it was a wake up call, telling me it is ok to not be happy all the time. Whatever it was, I feel better today then I have in a long time. My life has its flaws. I may not be smart enough. I may not be good enough. But, I am good enough for me, and I guess that is all that matters
Note to self - When feeling depressed, you can make a choice to get out of it. Usually Clover helps.
Note to EVERYONE else - NOVEMBER 6th is just a few days away hehehehe
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