Narcissists and Insecurity
First off I must give a big Happy Birthday to the King of all Fucktards. My big brother, the big asshole is 27 today. I suppose I am supposed to say something nice about him to all of you who read this (all 20 of you!). Well…ummmmm….he is really smart. Oh what the hell, he is an egotistical, thinks-he’s-better-than-everyone, buffoon but he is also very caring and protective of those he loves. He is shy in many social situations but it is cute because it shows his weakness. He might brag to me about Hall of Fame trips he gets to take, but when it comes down to playing matchmaker with me and rock stars…he is always thinking of his lil sis. So, here is a BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the best brother a girl could ask for, because without you I would never have learned how to kick a guy where it really hurts back when I was five.
Moving on…
Narcissism. It is it a word that has always been used as a way of belittling someone else. If people don’t like what they see in the mirror they are insecure. If they look in the mirror and like what they see they are narcissistic. Rarely does anyone compliment someone and say, “Wow they are confident, how endearing.” No, they must be narcissistic. It has always been my belief that truly confident people are the only people who don’t think another confident person is overly narcissistic. Basically if you are ok with yourself then you are ok with others.
Rather than label I have to wonder, aren’t we all a little bit narcissistic. How many of you always glance at yourself in the mirror if you happen to be walking past one. How many of you stare at yourself as you walk past reflections in windows? Does anyone else catch the glimpse of their butts as they walk by store windows? Don’t we all love talking about ourselves. What happens the second we do something great or accomplish something? We tell somebody. We call our spouses from work, we text a friend, we announce it on myspace. It is our little way of telling the world, “Hey look at me. I am awesome!”
How many of us name drop if we know famous people? (not that I know anyone like that or anything hehe) How many of us keep blogs, thinking that what we do with our day and what we think is so important other people have to know?
We are all narcissistic. Some of us are mind narcissists. Others are physical narcissists. Many are both. We flash that smile when we know it is a weapon. We wear tight pants and sway our asses when we walk because we know it gets ‘em every time. We stare at ourselves in the mirror. We ask somebody, “Do I look fat in this”? When the answer is not what we are looking for but rather validation. We do many a thing to try to draw attention to our assets in the hopes that people will not notice the other side of us..the insecure side; The side where vulnerability lies.
The insecure part of us is something no one likes to talk about. We have no problem stating what we think about others, but how many of us would tell a stranger, “Ya know sometimes I sit in my room and wonder why anyone would love me, I am so stupid.” But we all think it at one time or another. It doesn’t matter what we are insecure about, ALL of us are insecure about something. Some of us hate our bodies. Some men think they will never be a huge success. Some women hate their thighs. Some women are so afraid that people would see through them they hide behind mini skirts and gallons of lip stick, because God forbid anyone sees who they really are.
Can you imagine what this world would be like if everyone had to say out load exactly what their inner self talk were saying right at that moment.
In the dressing room…”Oh look at me, I have to say all that running has done my ass good. Oh but look at that boobs, I think they could be slightly bigger…and what is this? Why can’t my skin be flawless? What is going on with my legs, they just are not long enough..I need to be stretched.”
At a job interview – “ Well I have excelled in this and this and that. I am very responsible and productive (while thinking please don’t see my desperation. Please don’t see how bad I need this. Please think I am smart enough. If you don’t I might go home and fall into a deadly pit of self wallowing madness.)”
On a date – (thinking: well she likes to laugh man make a joke) “So I - insert lame joke here-“ (damnit man that wasn’t funny. Why can’t you be funnier? What are you a moron? Look at that blank look on her face!)
When it comes down to it all of us possess qualities of both narcissism and insecurity. We can try to hide it. I say we should all celebrate it. If you think you are hot stuff, go ahead and think you are hot stuff! Who cares what anyone thinks, you are sexy! You are beautiful! You have a sparkling smile that can bring any man to his knees. If you think you are smart – shout out your weird words and better than thou attitude. If you think you are funny, go ahead and be funny. If you think your stomach is growing a little too rapidly, embrace that stomach – make it your unique thing, be charming about it. If you think you are less educated on a subject, admit it. Ask questions if you want. Don’t be afraid to say “Well I know absolutely nothing about that, I would love for you to tell me about it since you are so educated.”
Face it – we are all self absorbed. We are insecure and self absorbed in our insecurity. We are cocky and self absorbed in our cockiness. I tend to think that is what makes us all so so cool. The best part of life is figuring out people. Seeing their weak spots. Seeing what they love about themselves. Seeing what they honestly love about themselves and seeing what things they have hidden deep down, under the surface, making them human.
Once again – Happy Birthday Fucktard! You may have been an undiagnosed Autistic your whole life, but you are still the best brother ever. Of course, the only brother I have, so therefore the best be default. :)
Monday, April 10, 2006
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Baseball and More of What I Want
My sister- in – law says the best way to figure out what you want is to figure out what you don’t want first.
She told me to take everything I loved about my ex and make those qualities I look for in a future person, (So I did that, see previous wants list) And then add others as they come. And if a date comes around where they have a quality I hate then put the opposite of that quality on my wants and needs. So my ex had lots of qualities I look for in a guy – so I started there and make that want list. Then proceed further…
So there is this guy, lets call him lawyer. The past couple of weeks he has helped me figure out what I want by giving me exactly what I don’t want. EXACTLY
First – Lawyers have no sense of humor so I want someone who is not a lawyer.
I mean the jokes are just not cool. The jokes are not funny. They remind me of the guy in the room at a party who is not at ease with himself and can’t go with the flow of conversation so tries to be funny and has horrible timing and delivery and just ends up having people stare at him like, HUH?
Second – Confidence is key and confidence in a social situation is even more key, I guess this means they must be CHARMING
Third – they CAN”T be intimidated by me. I know I can be very pushy and demanding but the right guys I have been with have always been very good at grounding me. (Not in the way a teacher grounds a child you naughty people with dirty thoughts!) I know I can be a smart ass but if a guy gets insecure around me and can’t rise up to the smart-ass occasion then he won’t cut it. So what I want is a guy who can be a smart ass and deal with my smart assiness.
Fourth - My natural personality is very touchy feely and flirty and passionate. So if I don’t like a guy I don’t want to lead him on so I can’t be my normal flirty self. I have to put my hands in my lap and be reserved so pheromones and chemistry is a MUST. Attraction is a must. Sexual chemistry is a MUST. If I can’t wait to start kissing you then that is a good thing…if I start looking at your mouth and making a plan never to go near it – not good.
Fifth - If on a third date a guy stops opening the door – pfft see ya later. So I want a guy who is chivalrous.
Sixth - The ability to sit back, relax, not be so serious and just have fun is such a key. Major political jabs so soon are such a turn off especially when they make a comment that, “Well I think most well educated people are liberals” – get ready for a slap in the face. Then proceed to shoot me down when I state my opinion. Now gather I don’t have as many talking points as some others and I know people can be passionate about their political views…but don’t try to hinder mine and then proceed to ask me on a fourth date cause you just wont get one. I guess I must have set him off when I said the words “Well the liberal media…”
Seventh – You don’t get to stare at my ass until I say it is ok to stare at it. I see where your eyes are, I am not blind.
Eighth – A guy has to see the value and need for buying season tickets to a baseball game. If they wonder how someone could go to all those games – chuck them.
Ninth – Take charge. Be a man. What girl (well at least not me) wants to date a pussy? If you are scared to take control of me then you will be forever walked on.
Tenth – I get what I want. I ask for what I want. Give it to me or tell me no and then kiss me. Don’t tell me yes all the time. Don’t be a pushover.
So I learned some more specifics.
II am about to go on my first 9 mile run.
I am so so so so so nervous.
Opening Day was exciting as hell. I couldn’t stop smiling. I will give a more detailed update on that later. But I had a blast and even made some new friends.
-
My sister- in – law says the best way to figure out what you want is to figure out what you don’t want first.
She told me to take everything I loved about my ex and make those qualities I look for in a future person, (So I did that, see previous wants list) And then add others as they come. And if a date comes around where they have a quality I hate then put the opposite of that quality on my wants and needs. So my ex had lots of qualities I look for in a guy – so I started there and make that want list. Then proceed further…
So there is this guy, lets call him lawyer. The past couple of weeks he has helped me figure out what I want by giving me exactly what I don’t want. EXACTLY
First – Lawyers have no sense of humor so I want someone who is not a lawyer.
I mean the jokes are just not cool. The jokes are not funny. They remind me of the guy in the room at a party who is not at ease with himself and can’t go with the flow of conversation so tries to be funny and has horrible timing and delivery and just ends up having people stare at him like, HUH?
Second – Confidence is key and confidence in a social situation is even more key, I guess this means they must be CHARMING
Third – they CAN”T be intimidated by me. I know I can be very pushy and demanding but the right guys I have been with have always been very good at grounding me. (Not in the way a teacher grounds a child you naughty people with dirty thoughts!) I know I can be a smart ass but if a guy gets insecure around me and can’t rise up to the smart-ass occasion then he won’t cut it. So what I want is a guy who can be a smart ass and deal with my smart assiness.
Fourth - My natural personality is very touchy feely and flirty and passionate. So if I don’t like a guy I don’t want to lead him on so I can’t be my normal flirty self. I have to put my hands in my lap and be reserved so pheromones and chemistry is a MUST. Attraction is a must. Sexual chemistry is a MUST. If I can’t wait to start kissing you then that is a good thing…if I start looking at your mouth and making a plan never to go near it – not good.
Fifth - If on a third date a guy stops opening the door – pfft see ya later. So I want a guy who is chivalrous.
Sixth - The ability to sit back, relax, not be so serious and just have fun is such a key. Major political jabs so soon are such a turn off especially when they make a comment that, “Well I think most well educated people are liberals” – get ready for a slap in the face. Then proceed to shoot me down when I state my opinion. Now gather I don’t have as many talking points as some others and I know people can be passionate about their political views…but don’t try to hinder mine and then proceed to ask me on a fourth date cause you just wont get one. I guess I must have set him off when I said the words “Well the liberal media…”
Seventh – You don’t get to stare at my ass until I say it is ok to stare at it. I see where your eyes are, I am not blind.
Eighth – A guy has to see the value and need for buying season tickets to a baseball game. If they wonder how someone could go to all those games – chuck them.
Ninth – Take charge. Be a man. What girl (well at least not me) wants to date a pussy? If you are scared to take control of me then you will be forever walked on.
Tenth – I get what I want. I ask for what I want. Give it to me or tell me no and then kiss me. Don’t tell me yes all the time. Don’t be a pushover.
So I learned some more specifics.
II am about to go on my first 9 mile run.
I am so so so so so nervous.
Opening Day was exciting as hell. I couldn’t stop smiling. I will give a more detailed update on that later. But I had a blast and even made some new friends.
-
Friday, April 07, 2006
Sometimes Odd Things Work Again
Amy - When will you admit that running water and the foreman don't go together? When will you admit you broke it? When will you be a man and admit you are wrong? You can't get mad at me for something you did!
Ethan - I'm too arrogant for that. I'll admit it tomorrow.
Amy - FINE
The next day Amy, just for kicks tries the foremen once again.
It works.
Damnit.
At least he learned his lesson - no electronics under water.
Amy's birthday is today and Ethan's is on Monday. Things are getting bigger on the horizon for Ethan in the media world. Good things always happen near birthdays.
So a big Happy Birthday to AMY NICOLE.
Amy - When will you admit that running water and the foreman don't go together? When will you admit you broke it? When will you be a man and admit you are wrong? You can't get mad at me for something you did!
Ethan - I'm too arrogant for that. I'll admit it tomorrow.
Amy - FINE
The next day Amy, just for kicks tries the foremen once again.
It works.
Damnit.
At least he learned his lesson - no electronics under water.
Amy's birthday is today and Ethan's is on Monday. Things are getting bigger on the horizon for Ethan in the media world. Good things always happen near birthdays.
So a big Happy Birthday to AMY NICOLE.
Sometimes Odd Things Work Again
Amy - When will you admit that running water and the foreman don't go together? When will you admit you broke it? When will you be a man and admit you are wrong? You can't get mad at me for something you did!
Ethan - I'm too arrogant for that. I'll admit it tomorrow.
Amy - FINE
The next day Amy, just for kicks tries the foremen once again.
It works.
Damnit.
At least he learned his lesson - no electronics under water.
Amy's birthday is today and Ethan's is on Monday. Things are getting bigger on the horizon for Ethan in the media world. Good things always happen near birthdays.
So a big Happy Birthday to AMY NICOLE.
Amy - When will you admit that running water and the foreman don't go together? When will you admit you broke it? When will you be a man and admit you are wrong? You can't get mad at me for something you did!
Ethan - I'm too arrogant for that. I'll admit it tomorrow.
Amy - FINE
The next day Amy, just for kicks tries the foremen once again.
It works.
Damnit.
At least he learned his lesson - no electronics under water.
Amy's birthday is today and Ethan's is on Monday. Things are getting bigger on the horizon for Ethan in the media world. Good things always happen near birthdays.
So a big Happy Birthday to AMY NICOLE.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
When smart people do odd things part deux
The foremen never started working...
My parents house is under heavy construction. My mom can't handle dust. So they decided to trek on over to the local Marriott for some R&R over the next few days.
They get to their first room and it smells like smoke and there is some weird buzzing generator type sound. They ask to relocate and their request is granted.
They get to their next room and it smells like peaches n' cream but my mother can still hear that generator sound. She is so tired, all she wants to do is get some sleep but that buzzing wouldn't stop. So maitenence comes up, looks around, can't find anything. He tells her he is going to go look around the property to see if there is any construction work being done near their room. He can't find it.
They tell her she can have another room. Their request is granted.
She gets to that room and still she hears the generator sound!
Until she looks in her bag and sees her electric tooth brush has been on and buzzing the entire time!
She apologizes for being difficult, though I think they just thought it was funny...and probably relieved it was a toothbrush and not some other vibrating device.
In other news...
There is this guy, lets call him Lawyer, who lives in a quaint beachy cottage near the water. Lawyer is clean cut, handsome, loves his mom and even likes babies and volunteers to help his siblings out with their kids. He works out everyday and surfs. He is respectable and likes the finer things in life..like good music. He is one of those guys who is good on paper (and we all know what Samantha said about guys that are good on paper.) He is one of those guys where they are perfect but their lack of any imperfections kind of freaks you out, or makes you bored.
Until...
I find out..
Lawyer has a bird, a parrot who likes to talk. Parrot proceeds to try to steal the phone away from lawyer and skwak at me. So Lawyer reprimand the bird. HE REPRIMANDED HIS BIRD!! "No M*** don't you do that, that's not nice."
He baby talked to his bird. Smart Lawyer = baby talk to talking parrot. Does anyone else see the irony in this? Add it to my list of odd things smart people do.
I should be weirded out. Strangely I find this amusing. But at least I know now he is not perfect lawyer, he is quirky Lawyer...with a parrot that talks.
So far I have found out that smart people:
a) run electric appliances under water to clean them
b) forget umbrellas in work clothes during a down pour.
c) mistake a vibrating toothbrush for a generator and become difficult with hotel staff
d) baby talk to birds.
I might have to add onto this. Please feel free to let me know anything all you smarty pants people out there do. :)
The foremen never started working...
My parents house is under heavy construction. My mom can't handle dust. So they decided to trek on over to the local Marriott for some R&R over the next few days.
They get to their first room and it smells like smoke and there is some weird buzzing generator type sound. They ask to relocate and their request is granted.
They get to their next room and it smells like peaches n' cream but my mother can still hear that generator sound. She is so tired, all she wants to do is get some sleep but that buzzing wouldn't stop. So maitenence comes up, looks around, can't find anything. He tells her he is going to go look around the property to see if there is any construction work being done near their room. He can't find it.
They tell her she can have another room. Their request is granted.
She gets to that room and still she hears the generator sound!
Until she looks in her bag and sees her electric tooth brush has been on and buzzing the entire time!
She apologizes for being difficult, though I think they just thought it was funny...and probably relieved it was a toothbrush and not some other vibrating device.
In other news...
There is this guy, lets call him Lawyer, who lives in a quaint beachy cottage near the water. Lawyer is clean cut, handsome, loves his mom and even likes babies and volunteers to help his siblings out with their kids. He works out everyday and surfs. He is respectable and likes the finer things in life..like good music. He is one of those guys who is good on paper (and we all know what Samantha said about guys that are good on paper.) He is one of those guys where they are perfect but their lack of any imperfections kind of freaks you out, or makes you bored.
Until...
I find out..
Lawyer has a bird, a parrot who likes to talk. Parrot proceeds to try to steal the phone away from lawyer and skwak at me. So Lawyer reprimand the bird. HE REPRIMANDED HIS BIRD!! "No M*** don't you do that, that's not nice."
He baby talked to his bird. Smart Lawyer = baby talk to talking parrot. Does anyone else see the irony in this? Add it to my list of odd things smart people do.
I should be weirded out. Strangely I find this amusing. But at least I know now he is not perfect lawyer, he is quirky Lawyer...with a parrot that talks.
So far I have found out that smart people:
a) run electric appliances under water to clean them
b) forget umbrellas in work clothes during a down pour.
c) mistake a vibrating toothbrush for a generator and become difficult with hotel staff
d) baby talk to birds.
I might have to add onto this. Please feel free to let me know anything all you smarty pants people out there do. :)
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
When Smart People Do Odd Things
So I am driving to work this morning and I see the sun shining through the clouds a bit and thank goodness because I forgot my umbrella.
We have to park way far away and as soon as I park and get out of my car a complete down pour falls over me. I am totally wet in as little as five seconds.
I see some other people walking, one guy has an umbrella...a HUGE umbrella.
So I walk a little faster in the hopes of maybe stealing a little bit of it until this girl who ran faster (she was in sneakers and I in heels which were now soaked) ran under his umbrella.
A friend drives past me, "Hey Rach, where is your umbrella"
"Eh I forgot one" as I am trying to hurry..just a few hundred more yards. Thank God I did not wear white pants or a white shirt.
I get in the building.
I look as if I just took a shower with all my clothes on.
My hair looks like a drowned rat.
My everything is just...soaked.
My boss walks in to the office..."Eh, Rachel did you dive into the puddles"?
My co worker walks in "Can I get you some coffee to warm you up Rach?" (as my lips are turning blue.)
So how was my day at work? It was soaking wet. And I feel rather stupid because a simple umbrella would have fixed the entire problem. :/
In other news...
My brother is like the smartest person I know. He is stubborn and he is lacking in some people skills and commonsense, but he is like a mini Bill Gates and is like super genius annoying smart. So last night Amy wants to cook some things on the foremen and before she does that Ethan decides he needs to clean said formen.
So what does the smartest, geekiest, techiest guy I know do?
Grabs the foremen and RUNS IT UNDER THE WATER.
Wonders why it won't work.
Eventually gets mad because me and Amy are making fun of him.
Says it will work in the morning. HUH?
I guess sometimes the smartest people we know do some really stupid shit. I guess now I can feel better about looking like a wet noodle.
Priceless
So I am driving to work this morning and I see the sun shining through the clouds a bit and thank goodness because I forgot my umbrella.
We have to park way far away and as soon as I park and get out of my car a complete down pour falls over me. I am totally wet in as little as five seconds.
I see some other people walking, one guy has an umbrella...a HUGE umbrella.
So I walk a little faster in the hopes of maybe stealing a little bit of it until this girl who ran faster (she was in sneakers and I in heels which were now soaked) ran under his umbrella.
A friend drives past me, "Hey Rach, where is your umbrella"
"Eh I forgot one" as I am trying to hurry..just a few hundred more yards. Thank God I did not wear white pants or a white shirt.
I get in the building.
I look as if I just took a shower with all my clothes on.
My hair looks like a drowned rat.
My everything is just...soaked.
My boss walks in to the office..."Eh, Rachel did you dive into the puddles"?
My co worker walks in "Can I get you some coffee to warm you up Rach?" (as my lips are turning blue.)
So how was my day at work? It was soaking wet. And I feel rather stupid because a simple umbrella would have fixed the entire problem. :/
In other news...
My brother is like the smartest person I know. He is stubborn and he is lacking in some people skills and commonsense, but he is like a mini Bill Gates and is like super genius annoying smart. So last night Amy wants to cook some things on the foremen and before she does that Ethan decides he needs to clean said formen.
So what does the smartest, geekiest, techiest guy I know do?
Grabs the foremen and RUNS IT UNDER THE WATER.
Wonders why it won't work.
Eventually gets mad because me and Amy are making fun of him.
Says it will work in the morning. HUH?
I guess sometimes the smartest people we know do some really stupid shit. I guess now I can feel better about looking like a wet noodle.
Priceless
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
My Life That Was. My Life That Will Be.
Sometimes I am so angry and hurt and sometimes I am filled with an overwhelming sense of love that I feel like the clouds have parted just over me and the sun is shining into my eyes showing me a future filled with hope.
I look at my past and feel everything. I feel hurt and pain. Yet I feel love all the same. The fact is my past has been spectacular. More recent my past has been loving and kind and genuine. And I look into my future with the hope that I will create that love once again.
It is hard to let go when something felt so good. It is like the last episode of Sienfeld. I always wonder why they stopped the show, quit while they were on top, and I wonder how they dealt with it.
When somebody loves you, and says they will always love you, but then sets out to hurt you, how do you walk away with only memories of the love and none of the hurt? I guess my best answer would be determination. I am determined to ignore the hurt and just bless my memories with a past that was good and whole and special.
Walking forward is rarely done without looking back a few times. I am walking forward nonetheless, however hard it is. The new baseball season is coming and Friday I will have a good time. I will dress cute, wear my jersey and cheer for my team. However, I would be lying if I didn't wish that the person sitting next to me was my old baseball buddy instead of my new one. I can't pretend this season will be more amazing than last just because I am trying to look on the bright side of life.
I can't pretend that I am going to be at that concert, wishing the person standing next to me was someone else.
I can't pretend that this new guy kissing me is the same or better or best.
But that wouldn't be hopeful then would it?
I guess it is just different. I guess I just miss my best friend.
I am not speaking out of pride. I am not speaking from my ego. I am speaking from my heart. I will always look at my past with love and respect. I will never in a million years set out to hurt my past or lay blame. But I have to let go and regain my hope. Because you know what Red says, "Hope is a good thing, and no good thing ever dies." I guess that is how I feel about everything. The good memories and the good times never die. They find a special spot in your heart and make it that much stronger.
And whenever I am feeling down I am reminded of the Death Cab song, "Someday You Will Be Loved."
You'll be loved you'll be loved.
Like you never have known.
And amidst all this pain and sadness and this emptiness in my life where something special once stood, I am reminded that no matter what anyone thinks of me, no matter what anyone thinks of themselves, no matter who we are...
we all deserve to be loved and we all will find love.
And that is my one wish for everyone.
My wish is for everyone to be loved the way I have been loved my entire life. My wish is for everyone to never have to feel pain or sadness. My wish is for everyone to know in their heart of hearts that they are valuable and worthy of love in its truest form. My wish is for everyone to believe in their dreams and follow their yellow brick road. My wish is for everyone to believe they are never alone. The whole world of love, success, fulfillment, inner peace, and happiness is there for everyone's taking..all you have to do is believe in yourself.
Sometimes I am so angry and hurt and sometimes I am filled with an overwhelming sense of love that I feel like the clouds have parted just over me and the sun is shining into my eyes showing me a future filled with hope.
I look at my past and feel everything. I feel hurt and pain. Yet I feel love all the same. The fact is my past has been spectacular. More recent my past has been loving and kind and genuine. And I look into my future with the hope that I will create that love once again.
It is hard to let go when something felt so good. It is like the last episode of Sienfeld. I always wonder why they stopped the show, quit while they were on top, and I wonder how they dealt with it.
When somebody loves you, and says they will always love you, but then sets out to hurt you, how do you walk away with only memories of the love and none of the hurt? I guess my best answer would be determination. I am determined to ignore the hurt and just bless my memories with a past that was good and whole and special.
Walking forward is rarely done without looking back a few times. I am walking forward nonetheless, however hard it is. The new baseball season is coming and Friday I will have a good time. I will dress cute, wear my jersey and cheer for my team. However, I would be lying if I didn't wish that the person sitting next to me was my old baseball buddy instead of my new one. I can't pretend this season will be more amazing than last just because I am trying to look on the bright side of life.
I can't pretend that I am going to be at that concert, wishing the person standing next to me was someone else.
I can't pretend that this new guy kissing me is the same or better or best.
But that wouldn't be hopeful then would it?
I guess it is just different. I guess I just miss my best friend.
I am not speaking out of pride. I am not speaking from my ego. I am speaking from my heart. I will always look at my past with love and respect. I will never in a million years set out to hurt my past or lay blame. But I have to let go and regain my hope. Because you know what Red says, "Hope is a good thing, and no good thing ever dies." I guess that is how I feel about everything. The good memories and the good times never die. They find a special spot in your heart and make it that much stronger.
And whenever I am feeling down I am reminded of the Death Cab song, "Someday You Will Be Loved."
You'll be loved you'll be loved.
Like you never have known.
And amidst all this pain and sadness and this emptiness in my life where something special once stood, I am reminded that no matter what anyone thinks of me, no matter what anyone thinks of themselves, no matter who we are...
we all deserve to be loved and we all will find love.
And that is my one wish for everyone.
My wish is for everyone to be loved the way I have been loved my entire life. My wish is for everyone to never have to feel pain or sadness. My wish is for everyone to know in their heart of hearts that they are valuable and worthy of love in its truest form. My wish is for everyone to believe in their dreams and follow their yellow brick road. My wish is for everyone to believe they are never alone. The whole world of love, success, fulfillment, inner peace, and happiness is there for everyone's taking..all you have to do is believe in yourself.
Monday, April 03, 2006
Me, Myself, and Love
When somebody feels like they have something to prove, it usually means they are insecure with whomever or whatever they have to prove it to.
I know I have done this many times and probably most people do it a lot as well, even though it seems rather unhealthy.
More recently, I started dating again. Not because I wanted to but mainly because I wanted to prove to people, friends, and family that I was so over it. That I had moved on. And a part of me wanted to prove to myself that I had the "X Factor," that I had that special something and damnit I was going to prove it.
So I went on a few dates. Really nice guys. Sweet and thoughtful. Fun times were had by all. But I realized my intentions were not aligned with goodness. I know what it is like to find out someone was using you or trying to hurt you to feed their ego. Neither of these guys deserve that. I am better than that. I knew from the start I was not going to jump into something serious with these guys. However, they didn't know that. As soon as I realized they had feelings, I knew I was not honoring my respect for myself to deceive someone to try to prove something. I do credit them for helping me get over a few things because a fun night out is a fun night out, but it is never a good idea to use someone else, it comes back to bite you in the ass. In fact, it is never a good idea to do anything to provoke jealousy, rage, anger, resentment, or sadness. Thank goodness I never kissed any of them. I always was told that when we are not aligned with goodness we can tell. We get a bad feeling in our tummies or whatnot. Well I realized that by forcing myself to date and act all cute and smile to make a guy I don't care about melt, is not out of goodness. Is it bred out of a lack and that is not what I am about. I forgive myself for it, but I am better than envy.
Good thing I got some new friends out of it. And a new baseball buddy too! :)
The fact is, I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I know my value, and I know my worth. I don't have to get anything, do anything, or be anyone different just to raise my value to someone because it exists inside me. I don't have to have a certain career, act a certain way, try to make others jealous, or anything to raise my worth. Because doing that only brings down our own self-worth. And those that see my "X Factor" won't care anyway.
None of it is worth it. No one is worth it.
I am not going to try to do anything to prove to someone, "Hey I am a star!"
So for now, I am not going to be actively dating as of yet. I know in my heart of hearts that when true love is meant to be, the guy worthy will come no matter what I do, where I am, and how perfect I am not.
If a date presents itself, and I feel like going, then great, fabulous, I just might go.
But for now all I want to do is focus on me. What I want. What I need. What I want to do. Because I realize now that doing something just to show people that you can do it does not come from a good place. It comes from a place of lack (fear) rather than love (everything else in the entire world).
I am still open to true love. And, I know it will happen exactly at the moment that God wants it to happen. I know I will probably end up in New York, but I want to make sure I am going because it is my path rather than going to run away from something or to prove to someone I can do it.
that's the ironic thing about proof. We try to prove things to other people but in reality we only need to prove them to ourselves. Trying to prove things to other people gives them the power. Proving it to ourselves gives us the power. We prove it to ourselves and everyone else believes it as well. It is the law of paradoxal intent.
I woke up this morning at peace. I was peaceful because I realized I didn't need to do anything but whatever I wanted to do for me and the RIGHT things will happen at the RIGHT time. I realized the best thing for my honor was to figure out what I wanted, write it down, then let it go with trust and expectation, then just live my life and just BE ME. I stopped caring. I stopped caring what certain people thought of me or didn't think of me. I just stopped caring. I just want to go back to ME. Being ME just means that I don't have to act tough. I don't have to act nonchalant. I don't have to act like a scared puppy and I don't have to be confident and cocky all the time either. In reality we are all of these things. And some people who actually see it, can manifest their own destiny. It does not take control, it takes releasing that control and letting things unfold how they are supposed to. It is trusting in the process, knowing that a soul mate comes when it is supposed to, the dream job comes when it is supposed to, and happiness comes this very second when we can appreciate what we already have right now this moment and welcome any extras. It is not about wanting what we can't have, it is about loving what we have right now and THAT is what gives us the ability to get more. Because, why would God give you something if you hate what he has already given you. Ain't that stupid. That's the whole secret anyway, trusting in the process. That's what Kafka meant when he said, "You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait. Do not even wait, be quite still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice. It will roll in ecstasy at your feet." That silence is an inner knowing and an inner trust in the ability to live the life we imagined. Or at least the belief that we are love, no matter what. And, there is nothing we need to do different to achieve those dreams than to just love what is. So I am trying that. That, above all else, is what gives us the REAL "X Factor."
Anyways, I mentioned earlier that I wrote down things I wanted. I did this because, although the goal is to be happy no matter what (which I am getting better at each day) the other goal is to know what we want, and then to trust it will come when it is supposed to. Knowing what we want, but not forcing the outcomes gives us a guideline of where to go.
So Here is what I want:
From Myself - I want to focus on what I have, rather than what I don't. I want to do nothing out of fear but everything out of love. I want to finish the half marathon and then do the marathon. I want to work out everyday and make sure I do at least one thing a day just for me. I want to graduate college and get my degree either in New York or here. If it is here then I want to move to New York after, if I finish in New York then fantabulous. I want to pursue my love for writing and get a career that I love because of it. I want to never get rid of my passions. I want to go to every concert I want to see and I want to catch as many baseball games this season as I can. I want to see the Angels go all the way to the playoffs again and hopefully even farther than that. I want to welcome change with an open mind. I want to marinate in my womanhood and sexiness. I want to sleep naked more often and smile as much as I can. I want to read a book a week and help those that need it. I want to never stop loving. I want to never become cynical (I will leave that to you Ethan). I want to make someone's day better with just a hug and a smile. I want to talk to strangers. I want to go on a road trip by myself. I want to inspire people to love themselves a little more. I want to always have the ass I do now, even after I have kids. I want to never be afraid of a little bit of chocolate. I want to dance under the stars to the music of my favorite band. I want to party with rock stars. I want to kiss like there is no one else I would rather kiss. I want to always love myself, even when I am feeling bad about myself. I want to catch a foul or homerun ball. I want to dress up, pamper myself, and feel like the sexy bitch that I am. And, most of all, I want to never give up on people that I love and always remind them to believe in the beauty of their dreams.
What I want in my soul mate:
A guy whose eyes sparkle a little when he smiles. A guy who has committed to memory the freckles on my nose. A guy who thinks it is adorable when I burp and ladylike when I don't. A guy who can't get enough of me when I look all pretty and dressed up and can't get enough of me when I am in sweats with my hair messed up. A guy who loves that I have to some things on my own (hello shopping, no men allowed) but loves that I need him. A guy who looks me in the eye and tells me, "I have no idea what is going to happen in life but the one thing I am sure of is I want you there to kiss me goodnight for the rest of my life because I can't lose you." A guy who would never let me go. A guy who is strong and yet caring., Who loves baseball but also music and arty stuff. A guy who knows I am a strong woman but wants to take care of me anyway. A guy who can't keep his hands off of me. A guy who gives me butterflies but makes me feel safe and secure at the same time. A guy who is smart and loves to let me learn. A guy who I can eat hamburgers with and not worry about ketchup slipping down my chin. A guy who I can want and need and hug and kiss freely without ever having to worry he might freak out and run. A guy who would travel 500 miles to see his favorite band and travel 500 miles to see me. A guy who knows how to laugh and make me laugh. A guy who laughs even when I am not being funny. A guy who knows that being serious is only fun half the time. A guy who can be shallow one minute and deep the next. A guy who, when the going get tough, moves a little closer. A guy who cares about his family. A guy who can make me laugh. A guy I have passion and chemistry with. A guy who is protective, even when he knows I can make it on my own. A guy who would love to spend Sunday afternoons at the ballpark. A guy who would understand my obsession with REM. A guy who has interests that are not mind and I can learn about. A guy who has passion, but does not make it his whole life. A guy who makes your heart stop just for a second and tries new things to keep things fun. A guy who is mature and has gone through many things in life, making him strong and manly. A guy who would kiss my forehead when he thought I was asleep.
Well that's about it. With that, I am just trusting that everything happens for a reason, everything happens when it is supposed to happen, and I am just going to sit back, be myself, do my own thing and believe in the beauty of my dreams.
When somebody feels like they have something to prove, it usually means they are insecure with whomever or whatever they have to prove it to.
I know I have done this many times and probably most people do it a lot as well, even though it seems rather unhealthy.
More recently, I started dating again. Not because I wanted to but mainly because I wanted to prove to people, friends, and family that I was so over it. That I had moved on. And a part of me wanted to prove to myself that I had the "X Factor," that I had that special something and damnit I was going to prove it.
So I went on a few dates. Really nice guys. Sweet and thoughtful. Fun times were had by all. But I realized my intentions were not aligned with goodness. I know what it is like to find out someone was using you or trying to hurt you to feed their ego. Neither of these guys deserve that. I am better than that. I knew from the start I was not going to jump into something serious with these guys. However, they didn't know that. As soon as I realized they had feelings, I knew I was not honoring my respect for myself to deceive someone to try to prove something. I do credit them for helping me get over a few things because a fun night out is a fun night out, but it is never a good idea to use someone else, it comes back to bite you in the ass. In fact, it is never a good idea to do anything to provoke jealousy, rage, anger, resentment, or sadness. Thank goodness I never kissed any of them. I always was told that when we are not aligned with goodness we can tell. We get a bad feeling in our tummies or whatnot. Well I realized that by forcing myself to date and act all cute and smile to make a guy I don't care about melt, is not out of goodness. Is it bred out of a lack and that is not what I am about. I forgive myself for it, but I am better than envy.
Good thing I got some new friends out of it. And a new baseball buddy too! :)
The fact is, I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I know my value, and I know my worth. I don't have to get anything, do anything, or be anyone different just to raise my value to someone because it exists inside me. I don't have to have a certain career, act a certain way, try to make others jealous, or anything to raise my worth. Because doing that only brings down our own self-worth. And those that see my "X Factor" won't care anyway.
None of it is worth it. No one is worth it.
I am not going to try to do anything to prove to someone, "Hey I am a star!"
So for now, I am not going to be actively dating as of yet. I know in my heart of hearts that when true love is meant to be, the guy worthy will come no matter what I do, where I am, and how perfect I am not.
If a date presents itself, and I feel like going, then great, fabulous, I just might go.
But for now all I want to do is focus on me. What I want. What I need. What I want to do. Because I realize now that doing something just to show people that you can do it does not come from a good place. It comes from a place of lack (fear) rather than love (everything else in the entire world).
I am still open to true love. And, I know it will happen exactly at the moment that God wants it to happen. I know I will probably end up in New York, but I want to make sure I am going because it is my path rather than going to run away from something or to prove to someone I can do it.
that's the ironic thing about proof. We try to prove things to other people but in reality we only need to prove them to ourselves. Trying to prove things to other people gives them the power. Proving it to ourselves gives us the power. We prove it to ourselves and everyone else believes it as well. It is the law of paradoxal intent.
I woke up this morning at peace. I was peaceful because I realized I didn't need to do anything but whatever I wanted to do for me and the RIGHT things will happen at the RIGHT time. I realized the best thing for my honor was to figure out what I wanted, write it down, then let it go with trust and expectation, then just live my life and just BE ME. I stopped caring. I stopped caring what certain people thought of me or didn't think of me. I just stopped caring. I just want to go back to ME. Being ME just means that I don't have to act tough. I don't have to act nonchalant. I don't have to act like a scared puppy and I don't have to be confident and cocky all the time either. In reality we are all of these things. And some people who actually see it, can manifest their own destiny. It does not take control, it takes releasing that control and letting things unfold how they are supposed to. It is trusting in the process, knowing that a soul mate comes when it is supposed to, the dream job comes when it is supposed to, and happiness comes this very second when we can appreciate what we already have right now this moment and welcome any extras. It is not about wanting what we can't have, it is about loving what we have right now and THAT is what gives us the ability to get more. Because, why would God give you something if you hate what he has already given you. Ain't that stupid. That's the whole secret anyway, trusting in the process. That's what Kafka meant when he said, "You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait. Do not even wait, be quite still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice. It will roll in ecstasy at your feet." That silence is an inner knowing and an inner trust in the ability to live the life we imagined. Or at least the belief that we are love, no matter what. And, there is nothing we need to do different to achieve those dreams than to just love what is. So I am trying that. That, above all else, is what gives us the REAL "X Factor."
Anyways, I mentioned earlier that I wrote down things I wanted. I did this because, although the goal is to be happy no matter what (which I am getting better at each day) the other goal is to know what we want, and then to trust it will come when it is supposed to. Knowing what we want, but not forcing the outcomes gives us a guideline of where to go.
So Here is what I want:
From Myself - I want to focus on what I have, rather than what I don't. I want to do nothing out of fear but everything out of love. I want to finish the half marathon and then do the marathon. I want to work out everyday and make sure I do at least one thing a day just for me. I want to graduate college and get my degree either in New York or here. If it is here then I want to move to New York after, if I finish in New York then fantabulous. I want to pursue my love for writing and get a career that I love because of it. I want to never get rid of my passions. I want to go to every concert I want to see and I want to catch as many baseball games this season as I can. I want to see the Angels go all the way to the playoffs again and hopefully even farther than that. I want to welcome change with an open mind. I want to marinate in my womanhood and sexiness. I want to sleep naked more often and smile as much as I can. I want to read a book a week and help those that need it. I want to never stop loving. I want to never become cynical (I will leave that to you Ethan). I want to make someone's day better with just a hug and a smile. I want to talk to strangers. I want to go on a road trip by myself. I want to inspire people to love themselves a little more. I want to always have the ass I do now, even after I have kids. I want to never be afraid of a little bit of chocolate. I want to dance under the stars to the music of my favorite band. I want to party with rock stars. I want to kiss like there is no one else I would rather kiss. I want to always love myself, even when I am feeling bad about myself. I want to catch a foul or homerun ball. I want to dress up, pamper myself, and feel like the sexy bitch that I am. And, most of all, I want to never give up on people that I love and always remind them to believe in the beauty of their dreams.
What I want in my soul mate:
A guy whose eyes sparkle a little when he smiles. A guy who has committed to memory the freckles on my nose. A guy who thinks it is adorable when I burp and ladylike when I don't. A guy who can't get enough of me when I look all pretty and dressed up and can't get enough of me when I am in sweats with my hair messed up. A guy who loves that I have to some things on my own (hello shopping, no men allowed) but loves that I need him. A guy who looks me in the eye and tells me, "I have no idea what is going to happen in life but the one thing I am sure of is I want you there to kiss me goodnight for the rest of my life because I can't lose you." A guy who would never let me go. A guy who is strong and yet caring., Who loves baseball but also music and arty stuff. A guy who knows I am a strong woman but wants to take care of me anyway. A guy who can't keep his hands off of me. A guy who gives me butterflies but makes me feel safe and secure at the same time. A guy who is smart and loves to let me learn. A guy who I can eat hamburgers with and not worry about ketchup slipping down my chin. A guy who I can want and need and hug and kiss freely without ever having to worry he might freak out and run. A guy who would travel 500 miles to see his favorite band and travel 500 miles to see me. A guy who knows how to laugh and make me laugh. A guy who laughs even when I am not being funny. A guy who knows that being serious is only fun half the time. A guy who can be shallow one minute and deep the next. A guy who, when the going get tough, moves a little closer. A guy who cares about his family. A guy who can make me laugh. A guy I have passion and chemistry with. A guy who is protective, even when he knows I can make it on my own. A guy who would love to spend Sunday afternoons at the ballpark. A guy who would understand my obsession with REM. A guy who has interests that are not mind and I can learn about. A guy who has passion, but does not make it his whole life. A guy who makes your heart stop just for a second and tries new things to keep things fun. A guy who is mature and has gone through many things in life, making him strong and manly. A guy who would kiss my forehead when he thought I was asleep.
Well that's about it. With that, I am just trusting that everything happens for a reason, everything happens when it is supposed to happen, and I am just going to sit back, be myself, do my own thing and believe in the beauty of my dreams.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Running hard makes you burp
OK now I know when a cute girl burps or whatnot it can be endearing.
And my burps are never big giant loads.
BUT..last night I just could not stop burping.
When you run really hard and drink water at the same time you take in a lot of air.
So I burped it out. But then I kept burping and burping and burping.
I couldn't hold it in.
Thank goodness it was a loud concert or THAT would have been embarrassing.
OK now I know when a cute girl burps or whatnot it can be endearing.
And my burps are never big giant loads.
BUT..last night I just could not stop burping.
When you run really hard and drink water at the same time you take in a lot of air.
So I burped it out. But then I kept burping and burping and burping.
I couldn't hold it in.
Thank goodness it was a loud concert or THAT would have been embarrassing.
Friday, March 31, 2006
10 Years. Baseball Again. And siblings as opposites.
My brothers lil website www.murmurs.com is coming up on its 10 year anniversary. Wow 10 years! He opened up a new forum in there for people to write about their experience on murmurs and what it brought them. Listening to these stories I am amazed at how so many people have changed their lives through an online community. There have been countless "murmurs relationships," about even about 6 weddings. The site got has indirectly changed so many lives, including mine.
Here is the funniest part.
My brother was so shy as a kid it was crippling. He liked online community sites because he could connect with people without the horrid feeling of talking to them face to face.
Many years ago when we were kids there were not many diagnosis of ADD, Ashbergers and Autism. Most autistics were only diagnosed when the symptoms were so out in the open and a stranger could tell. But what about Ashbergers? It is the polar opposite of ADD and on a whim I, and my brother, took this test yesterday.
http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html
The average person scores a 16. Anything above a 32 shows someone may have symptoms of mild Ashbergers. Anyone way low, well you get the idea.
My brother scored a 39 and I scored a 4 (well that explains a lot!)
Ashbergers can be described as extreme shyness, an obsessive personality when it comes to a certain thing (Brother knew how to put together a jet engine at the age of 10 just because he read all books about airplanes)
So anyway, my point is, it is funny how somethings we think of as faults actually are the things that will bring us to our calling and bring us happiness. I look at my brother today, married and in love, a job he likes (most of the time) and better at relating to people than he was as a child, and thank God that he was the kid he was.
I look at my score of a 4 and realize, yeah that was pretty accurate. I am good at relating and reading people. I know people's intentions by the tone of their voice, and can't focus very well on one thing. So maybe that will bring me to my calling.
Take the test, you might learn something.
In other news...
The new baseball season is coming up upon us and I find myself getting giddy with anticipation while reading mlb.com, searching for news and updates and any hint of what this season might bring. It brings me back to memories of last season ALDS game, probably the most exciting game of my life where the Angel's kicked the Yankees out of the running and they did it all about 25 feet away from me.
I was looking forward to this season so much. And now? Well it is a weird feeling. I am excited, and maybe this summer I will create some new memories at the games with new people. Maybe I will meet some new baseball guys and maybe love will once again be at the ballpark. Excited. Sad. I guess maybe a little bit of both. But at least I will look hot in my baseball jersey.
My brothers lil website www.murmurs.com is coming up on its 10 year anniversary. Wow 10 years! He opened up a new forum in there for people to write about their experience on murmurs and what it brought them. Listening to these stories I am amazed at how so many people have changed their lives through an online community. There have been countless "murmurs relationships," about even about 6 weddings. The site got has indirectly changed so many lives, including mine.
Here is the funniest part.
My brother was so shy as a kid it was crippling. He liked online community sites because he could connect with people without the horrid feeling of talking to them face to face.
Many years ago when we were kids there were not many diagnosis of ADD, Ashbergers and Autism. Most autistics were only diagnosed when the symptoms were so out in the open and a stranger could tell. But what about Ashbergers? It is the polar opposite of ADD and on a whim I, and my brother, took this test yesterday.
http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html
The average person scores a 16. Anything above a 32 shows someone may have symptoms of mild Ashbergers. Anyone way low, well you get the idea.
My brother scored a 39 and I scored a 4 (well that explains a lot!)
Ashbergers can be described as extreme shyness, an obsessive personality when it comes to a certain thing (Brother knew how to put together a jet engine at the age of 10 just because he read all books about airplanes)
So anyway, my point is, it is funny how somethings we think of as faults actually are the things that will bring us to our calling and bring us happiness. I look at my brother today, married and in love, a job he likes (most of the time) and better at relating to people than he was as a child, and thank God that he was the kid he was.
I look at my score of a 4 and realize, yeah that was pretty accurate. I am good at relating and reading people. I know people's intentions by the tone of their voice, and can't focus very well on one thing. So maybe that will bring me to my calling.
Take the test, you might learn something.
In other news...
The new baseball season is coming up upon us and I find myself getting giddy with anticipation while reading mlb.com, searching for news and updates and any hint of what this season might bring. It brings me back to memories of last season ALDS game, probably the most exciting game of my life where the Angel's kicked the Yankees out of the running and they did it all about 25 feet away from me.
I was looking forward to this season so much. And now? Well it is a weird feeling. I am excited, and maybe this summer I will create some new memories at the games with new people. Maybe I will meet some new baseball guys and maybe love will once again be at the ballpark. Excited. Sad. I guess maybe a little bit of both. But at least I will look hot in my baseball jersey.
10 Years. Baseball Again. And siblings as opposites.
My brothers lil website www.murmurs.com is coming up on its 10 year anniversary. Wow 10 years! He opened up a new forum in there for people to write about their experience on murmurs and what it brought them. Listening to these stories I am amazed at how so many people have changed their lives through an online community. There have been countless "murmurs relationships," about even about 6 weddings. The site got has indirectly changed so many lives, including mine.
Here is the funniest part.
My brother was so shy as a kid it was crippling. He liked online community sites because he could connect with people without the horrid feeling of talking to them face to face.
Many years ago when we were kids there were not many diagnosis of ADD, Ashbergers and Autism. Most autistics were only diagnosed when the symptoms were so out in the open and a stranger could tell. But what about Ashbergers? It is the polor opposite of ADD and on a wim I, and my brother, took this test yesterday.
http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html
The average person scores a 16. Anything above a 32 shows someone may have symptoms of mild Ashbergers. Anyone way low, well you get the idea.
My brother scored a 39 and I scored a 4 (well that explains a lot!)
Ashbergers can be described as extreme shyness, an obsessive personality when it comes to a certain thing (Brother knew how to put together a jet engine at the age of 10 just because he read all books about airplanes)
So anyway, my point is, it is funny how somethings we think of as faults actually are the things that will bring us to our calling and bring us happiness. I look at my brother today, married and in love, a job he likes (most of the time) and better at relating to people than he was as a child, and thank God that he was the kid he was.
I look at my score of a 4 and realize, yeah that was pretty accurate. I am good at relating and reading people. I know people's intentions by the tone of their voice, and can't focus very well on one thing. So maybe that will bring me to my calling.
Take the test, you might learn something.
In other news...
The new baseball season is coming up upon us and I find myself getting giddy with anticiipation while reading mlb.com, searching for news and updates and any hint of what this season might bring. It brings me back to memories of last season ALDS game, probably the most exciting game of my life where the Angel's kicked the Yankees out of the running and they did it all about 25 feet away from me.
I was looking forward to this season so much. And now? Well it is a weird feeling. I am excited, and maybe this summer I will create some new memories at the games with new people. Maybe I will meet some new baseball guys and maybe love will once again be at the ballpark. Excited. Sad. I guess maybe a little bit of both. But at least I will look hot in my baseball jersey.
My brothers lil website www.murmurs.com is coming up on its 10 year anniversary. Wow 10 years! He opened up a new forum in there for people to write about their experience on murmurs and what it brought them. Listening to these stories I am amazed at how so many people have changed their lives through an online community. There have been countless "murmurs relationships," about even about 6 weddings. The site got has indirectly changed so many lives, including mine.
Here is the funniest part.
My brother was so shy as a kid it was crippling. He liked online community sites because he could connect with people without the horrid feeling of talking to them face to face.
Many years ago when we were kids there were not many diagnosis of ADD, Ashbergers and Autism. Most autistics were only diagnosed when the symptoms were so out in the open and a stranger could tell. But what about Ashbergers? It is the polor opposite of ADD and on a wim I, and my brother, took this test yesterday.
http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html
The average person scores a 16. Anything above a 32 shows someone may have symptoms of mild Ashbergers. Anyone way low, well you get the idea.
My brother scored a 39 and I scored a 4 (well that explains a lot!)
Ashbergers can be described as extreme shyness, an obsessive personality when it comes to a certain thing (Brother knew how to put together a jet engine at the age of 10 just because he read all books about airplanes)
So anyway, my point is, it is funny how somethings we think of as faults actually are the things that will bring us to our calling and bring us happiness. I look at my brother today, married and in love, a job he likes (most of the time) and better at relating to people than he was as a child, and thank God that he was the kid he was.
I look at my score of a 4 and realize, yeah that was pretty accurate. I am good at relating and reading people. I know people's intentions by the tone of their voice, and can't focus very well on one thing. So maybe that will bring me to my calling.
Take the test, you might learn something.
In other news...
The new baseball season is coming up upon us and I find myself getting giddy with anticiipation while reading mlb.com, searching for news and updates and any hint of what this season might bring. It brings me back to memories of last season ALDS game, probably the most exciting game of my life where the Angel's kicked the Yankees out of the running and they did it all about 25 feet away from me.
I was looking forward to this season so much. And now? Well it is a weird feeling. I am excited, and maybe this summer I will create some new memories at the games with new people. Maybe I will meet some new baseball guys and maybe love will once again be at the ballpark. Excited. Sad. I guess maybe a little bit of both. But at least I will look hot in my baseball jersey.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Smooth tush, psycho neighbor, and all the happy feelings pampering brings.
It is funny how some smells immediately bring back memories. It can be the simplest thing. Yesterday, I took in upon myself to pamper me. I went to Victoria's Secret and bought some new cute lingerie as well as some bath products and some lotion that makes my skin feel like, well I can't stop touching it! Anyway, I got this lotion set of a new line they carry called Victoria's Secret Spa (or something like that). Well I just put on the hand cream (which please all you ladies go buy because my hands feel like a baby tush) and the smell just flooded my brain with the memory of summer. Funny how smells do that. Like, roasted chestnuts will always reminds me of New York in the winter (as will any christmasy smell like baked apple pie)and really bad men's cologne now reminds me of that overbuffed drenched in cheap cologne meat head who is always near me at the gym.
I got this feeling that summer is going to just be a happy time. I love the feeling of skin after it has been rolling around in the sand for a day, all smooth and toned. I love the look of my face all rosy from the rays. I love buying a new swimsuit to mark the occasion (I am trying to find this one by Vix that is no longer on the website but have no fear because I want it and I always get what I want and I know I will find it.) I love cooling off from the horrible heat and I love how everyone seems to be a little brighter and wear a lot more smiles. Summer is, by far, not my favorite season, but there are good things to every season and the new season means new beginnings.
In other news, date with lawyer was not all that great but maybe I will have to give him a second chance. Film Editor and I have been talking quite a bit and I have a coffee talk non-date with him this weekend. He talks more than I do though so we shall see if that is a recipe for disaster. He is also a film nazi and I get the feeling that his passion for film might consume his entire life, but then again I could be wrong. If nothing else, it will be interesting.
There is a young couple who lives above me who just got a new puppy. They leave the new puppy out on their balcony and it just cries and cries. I am tempted to climb up there and rescue it. However, that is not my main problem with them. My problem is their fighting. They fight like they are fighting to the death. The girl is psychotic, and two nights ago I heard some "thud thud" noises outside my patio and when I looked out, there in the rain and soaking wet grass were probably about half the contents of the guys clothes, shoes, books, etc. Somebody must have called security because it ended soon after but damn I have psychos living upstairs. I am not even sure who is more psychotic, the girl with her violent outbursts or the guy for being a pot smoking lazy ass who won't get rid of her. All the while I just kept thinking, poor poor puppy. Maybe I will steal it ;)
I found out that if I do go to Columbia and live in their off campus (but university owned) housing my rent will be cheap. But no dogs are allowed. Guess I won't be getting a dog anytime soon. I am not sure if I will be going this fall or January of next year. No decisions yet. My only decisions I am making right now are what to wear today, what to read today, what to watch on TV today, bath or shower, chicken or fish, what plans are there this weekend, what to buy, and where to go.
Stay tuned...the clouds are clearing and sunshine is beams down on us.
It is funny how some smells immediately bring back memories. It can be the simplest thing. Yesterday, I took in upon myself to pamper me. I went to Victoria's Secret and bought some new cute lingerie as well as some bath products and some lotion that makes my skin feel like, well I can't stop touching it! Anyway, I got this lotion set of a new line they carry called Victoria's Secret Spa (or something like that). Well I just put on the hand cream (which please all you ladies go buy because my hands feel like a baby tush) and the smell just flooded my brain with the memory of summer. Funny how smells do that. Like, roasted chestnuts will always reminds me of New York in the winter (as will any christmasy smell like baked apple pie)and really bad men's cologne now reminds me of that overbuffed drenched in cheap cologne meat head who is always near me at the gym.
I got this feeling that summer is going to just be a happy time. I love the feeling of skin after it has been rolling around in the sand for a day, all smooth and toned. I love the look of my face all rosy from the rays. I love buying a new swimsuit to mark the occasion (I am trying to find this one by Vix that is no longer on the website but have no fear because I want it and I always get what I want and I know I will find it.) I love cooling off from the horrible heat and I love how everyone seems to be a little brighter and wear a lot more smiles. Summer is, by far, not my favorite season, but there are good things to every season and the new season means new beginnings.
In other news, date with lawyer was not all that great but maybe I will have to give him a second chance. Film Editor and I have been talking quite a bit and I have a coffee talk non-date with him this weekend. He talks more than I do though so we shall see if that is a recipe for disaster. He is also a film nazi and I get the feeling that his passion for film might consume his entire life, but then again I could be wrong. If nothing else, it will be interesting.
There is a young couple who lives above me who just got a new puppy. They leave the new puppy out on their balcony and it just cries and cries. I am tempted to climb up there and rescue it. However, that is not my main problem with them. My problem is their fighting. They fight like they are fighting to the death. The girl is psychotic, and two nights ago I heard some "thud thud" noises outside my patio and when I looked out, there in the rain and soaking wet grass were probably about half the contents of the guys clothes, shoes, books, etc. Somebody must have called security because it ended soon after but damn I have psychos living upstairs. I am not even sure who is more psychotic, the girl with her violent outbursts or the guy for being a pot smoking lazy ass who won't get rid of her. All the while I just kept thinking, poor poor puppy. Maybe I will steal it ;)
I found out that if I do go to Columbia and live in their off campus (but university owned) housing my rent will be cheap. But no dogs are allowed. Guess I won't be getting a dog anytime soon. I am not sure if I will be going this fall or January of next year. No decisions yet. My only decisions I am making right now are what to wear today, what to read today, what to watch on TV today, bath or shower, chicken or fish, what plans are there this weekend, what to buy, and where to go.
Stay tuned...the clouds are clearing and sunshine is beams down on us.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
The Fine Art of Being Yourself - To Get What you Want in Life.
So, a friend of mine thought I should pitch a column called “Life and How to Live It.” (Wishful thinking on his part) and who woulda think it, but a Mr. Mike Adams has a townhall.com column of the same name (damn). However, I don’t think the column exists anymore because I have yet to find one dated in 2006. Maybe then I can steal it and claim the name I soooo deserve.
I posted before on how I came up with a want list. However, the problem with many is they want and want and never stop and appreciate what they actually have. We want a house and yet we don’t stop and appreciate the coziness of our apartments. We want to move but we don’t admire the sun of where we are. We want new loves but how can we get it if we shun the love we have inside of ourselves already. Wanting is a great and healthy thing, just like dreaming, as long as it is coming from a place of happiness. I think if we really take a look around us and inside us we will find that we already have everything we need. If we are always unhappy with our place there will be no place where we are happy at all. Yet if we accept our place it makes it easier to move forward. It is a lot easier for the universe to send you more when you like what you have got already.
Over the past three years I have learned to appreciate what I have. I liked it yesterday. I liked it today and what the universe brings me tomorrow I will probably like. Am I like this all the time? Hell no, sometimes I am not happy and quite pissed off (hello PMS!!), but I don’t hate myself for it. Probably because, even though I can whine and act like a baby, even though I can be quite the narcissist, even though I pout and make, what my friend calls, the most adorably pathetic off-putting puppy dog face, even though sometimes I am needy and sometimes I think I am stupid and sometimes I don’t fight fair, at least I can look at myself in the mirror and see someone who is special not because she is overly good and not because she is overly bad. Special is just being who you are; good, bad, positive, negative, happy, sad, unique and yet not. That is what makes us special, not trying to be anything we are not and just BEING.
When we accept that about ourselves, when we feel free to just BE, then and only then can we get what we truly want. Just remember that the things about you that are appealing to other people are not traits that are considered popular. No one is just all the time. No one is kind all the time. No one is confident all the time. We all have a little bit of both. The things that appeal you to people is the things that make you you. Embrace that and you can have everything. Love, Success, Careers, Happiness...Everything.
So, a friend of mine thought I should pitch a column called “Life and How to Live It.” (Wishful thinking on his part) and who woulda think it, but a Mr. Mike Adams has a townhall.com column of the same name (damn). However, I don’t think the column exists anymore because I have yet to find one dated in 2006. Maybe then I can steal it and claim the name I soooo deserve.
I posted before on how I came up with a want list. However, the problem with many is they want and want and never stop and appreciate what they actually have. We want a house and yet we don’t stop and appreciate the coziness of our apartments. We want to move but we don’t admire the sun of where we are. We want new loves but how can we get it if we shun the love we have inside of ourselves already. Wanting is a great and healthy thing, just like dreaming, as long as it is coming from a place of happiness. I think if we really take a look around us and inside us we will find that we already have everything we need. If we are always unhappy with our place there will be no place where we are happy at all. Yet if we accept our place it makes it easier to move forward. It is a lot easier for the universe to send you more when you like what you have got already.
Over the past three years I have learned to appreciate what I have. I liked it yesterday. I liked it today and what the universe brings me tomorrow I will probably like. Am I like this all the time? Hell no, sometimes I am not happy and quite pissed off (hello PMS!!), but I don’t hate myself for it. Probably because, even though I can whine and act like a baby, even though I can be quite the narcissist, even though I pout and make, what my friend calls, the most adorably pathetic off-putting puppy dog face, even though sometimes I am needy and sometimes I think I am stupid and sometimes I don’t fight fair, at least I can look at myself in the mirror and see someone who is special not because she is overly good and not because she is overly bad. Special is just being who you are; good, bad, positive, negative, happy, sad, unique and yet not. That is what makes us special, not trying to be anything we are not and just BEING.
When we accept that about ourselves, when we feel free to just BE, then and only then can we get what we truly want. Just remember that the things about you that are appealing to other people are not traits that are considered popular. No one is just all the time. No one is kind all the time. No one is confident all the time. We all have a little bit of both. The things that appeal you to people is the things that make you you. Embrace that and you can have everything. Love, Success, Careers, Happiness...Everything.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Mutants, Music and Myspace stalkers
Death Cab sings Driver 8. Nuclear Testing in New Mexico makes mutants who then proceed to eat people and burn them alive (including the dog which made me sadder than anything else.) Rachel has nightmares about mutants eating dogs. Rachel learns that some guys out there talk more than she does (not a good idea). Rachel looks into the future. Angel's come to help us in the most unlikely of fashions and in packages we would normally not notice. My ass looks great in my new jeans. I need a manicure. I have initiated a very harsh but much needed relationship change with my mother. I laid the ground rules about how much she could meddle with my life. I love my mother but she puts her nose into my business as if I were a child and not a 24 year old strong woman. So far she is keeping to it and I feel so much better it is unbelievable. Been thinking a lot lately about what I want and I made a want list, I will post it soon. Does anyone else cry on Extreme Home Makeover? Is anyone else really sick of Kelly Pickler? Does anyone else have 5 separate myspace stalkers? Anyone? Anyone?
Death Cab sings Driver 8. Nuclear Testing in New Mexico makes mutants who then proceed to eat people and burn them alive (including the dog which made me sadder than anything else.) Rachel has nightmares about mutants eating dogs. Rachel learns that some guys out there talk more than she does (not a good idea). Rachel looks into the future. Angel's come to help us in the most unlikely of fashions and in packages we would normally not notice. My ass looks great in my new jeans. I need a manicure. I have initiated a very harsh but much needed relationship change with my mother. I laid the ground rules about how much she could meddle with my life. I love my mother but she puts her nose into my business as if I were a child and not a 24 year old strong woman. So far she is keeping to it and I feel so much better it is unbelievable. Been thinking a lot lately about what I want and I made a want list, I will post it soon. Does anyone else cry on Extreme Home Makeover? Is anyone else really sick of Kelly Pickler? Does anyone else have 5 separate myspace stalkers? Anyone? Anyone?
Saturday, March 25, 2006
And so it begins...
This blog is going to be changing a bit. The design is changing and I am creating a project of sorts.
Many big things are happening in my life right now. All of it very exciting. For starters:
There is a very good chance that in four months time I will be moving to New York City. I am not banking on it because I don't want to get my hopes up. But, it might just happen.
I have a date tonight and that is something that I thought I wouldn't be able to do but I am doing it and it feels good.
I am changing up my blog to more of an experience blog where I will write about my experiences in finding two things:
a) true love
b) finding my place in the world.
So project goal number one - go on a date with someone you would not normally go on a date with and see what happens.
OK so I cheated a bit, because he is an REM fan and loves music. However, he is a lawyer (a public defender) so by default he falls into the "wouldn't normally date" catagory.
Project goal number two - accept a date for next weekend with someone who I could see myself being with. Enter post production movie editor and self proclaimed beatlemaniac. Even gave me a witty "should we talk about the government" pickup line. (from an rem song for you un-rem-ucated)
Project Goal B - Finding my place in the world - I have a picture in my head of what I want. I just have to let synchronicity run its course. And, look for the signs to get there.
So yeah big changes in my life. And yeah I still have my down moments, and I will miss things in the past. And a part of me will always wonder, "what if". But now it is time for my future and I am strong enough to meet it with an open mind and an open heart.
And so it begins...
This blog is going to be changing a bit. The design is changing and I am creating a project of sorts.
Many big things are happening in my life right now. All of it very exciting. For starters:
There is a very good chance that in four months time I will be moving to New York City. I am not banking on it because I don't want to get my hopes up. But, it might just happen.
I have a date tonight and that is something that I thought I wouldn't be able to do but I am doing it and it feels good.
I am changing up my blog to more of an experience blog where I will write about my experiences in finding two things:
a) true love
b) finding my place in the world.
So project goal number one - go on a date with someone you would not normally go on a date with and see what happens.
OK so I cheated a bit, because he is an REM fan and loves music. However, he is a lawyer (a public defender) so by default he falls into the "wouldn't normally date" catagory.
Project goal number two - accept a date for next weekend with someone who I could see myself being with. Enter post production movie editor and self proclaimed beatlemaniac. Even gave me a witty "should we talk about the government" pickup line. (from an rem song for you un-rem-ucated)
Project Goal B - Finding my place in the world - I have a picture in my head of what I want. I just have to let synchronicity run its course. And, look for the signs to get there.
So yeah big changes in my life. And yeah I still have my down moments, and I will miss things in the past. And a part of me will always wonder, "what if". But now it is time for my future and I am strong enough to meet it with an open mind and an open heart.
And so it begins...
Monday, February 20, 2006
So, I was trying to figure out what treaits and qualities make me unique and, well...ME. It is harder to do than in theory because everyone can describe themselves as "smart" or "attractive" etc. but these qualities are not unique. What makes us unique?
Today, I am turning over a new leaf in life. I realize things can happen in life but no matter what I am still ME. I still have these unique qualities that no one can take away even if they tried.
I also realize some people just don't want me to share my authentic self with them. But some people do and some people will. When it all comes down to the nitty gritty core I am...
...a girly girl who loves fashion, handbags, shoes and anything with the stigma of "chick" attached to it. This includes any romantic comedy and gossip magazine.
... who loves music as much as life itself. Who loves bands like REM and The Beatles like I own a part of them and understand things about the music that no one else (or very few others) will. To me its like music can name the unnameable. It can be the soundtrack of our lives, if we just listen hard enough.
...someone who gets passionate about certain characters in books, movies and tv shows as if they were real people.
...someone who can take a complete stranger and spend hours figuring them out and reading who they really are.
...someone who gets emotional at movies, through books, seeing good deeds, and feeling hurt.
...I am loyal to those I love, even when they piss me off.
...can be quite spoiled
...can make others feel good about themselves
... is not good with counting money, managing money, or budgeting money.
...who to this day pretty much can't spell worth a damn.
...can give you a good solid history of anything from Coach purses to Aristotles life.
... who at the age of 24 is still daddy's little girl
... who loves clothes that make me feel good.
...who understands the importance of high thread count sheets.
...who feels sexiest when nekkid.
...who has a pretty good butt.
...who doesn't mind asking for help.
...who admits that there are faults. but the good outweighs the bad.
... who takes things personally. even when I shouldn't.
...who belives chocolate is healthy.
...who yells at the tv when the people do something stupid, as if they were real people.
...is addicted to diet coke.
...who tries so hard to believe everything happens for a reason, but gets impatient when things don;t go the way I want.
... someone who really does think she is beautiful. it took me a long time to get there but now that I am I don't plan on every giving that up.
... someone who believes everything in life is always a choice. change happens when the pain of where you are is greater than the pain of change. people only grow up when they get thrown in the water without a life jacket.
... someone who can just be such an annoying pain in the royal ass.
...someone who believes a smile can melt any cold heart.
...forgiveness is essential in life.
...believes love conquers all
Today, I am turning over a new leaf in life. I realize things can happen in life but no matter what I am still ME. I still have these unique qualities that no one can take away even if they tried.
I also realize some people just don't want me to share my authentic self with them. But some people do and some people will. When it all comes down to the nitty gritty core I am...
...a girly girl who loves fashion, handbags, shoes and anything with the stigma of "chick" attached to it. This includes any romantic comedy and gossip magazine.
... who loves music as much as life itself. Who loves bands like REM and The Beatles like I own a part of them and understand things about the music that no one else (or very few others) will. To me its like music can name the unnameable. It can be the soundtrack of our lives, if we just listen hard enough.
...someone who gets passionate about certain characters in books, movies and tv shows as if they were real people.
...someone who can take a complete stranger and spend hours figuring them out and reading who they really are.
...someone who gets emotional at movies, through books, seeing good deeds, and feeling hurt.
...I am loyal to those I love, even when they piss me off.
...can be quite spoiled
...can make others feel good about themselves
... is not good with counting money, managing money, or budgeting money.
...who to this day pretty much can't spell worth a damn.
...can give you a good solid history of anything from Coach purses to Aristotles life.
... who at the age of 24 is still daddy's little girl
... who loves clothes that make me feel good.
...who understands the importance of high thread count sheets.
...who feels sexiest when nekkid.
...who has a pretty good butt.
...who doesn't mind asking for help.
...who admits that there are faults. but the good outweighs the bad.
... who takes things personally. even when I shouldn't.
...who belives chocolate is healthy.
...who yells at the tv when the people do something stupid, as if they were real people.
...is addicted to diet coke.
...who tries so hard to believe everything happens for a reason, but gets impatient when things don;t go the way I want.
... someone who really does think she is beautiful. it took me a long time to get there but now that I am I don't plan on every giving that up.
... someone who believes everything in life is always a choice. change happens when the pain of where you are is greater than the pain of change. people only grow up when they get thrown in the water without a life jacket.
... someone who can just be such an annoying pain in the royal ass.
...someone who believes a smile can melt any cold heart.
...forgiveness is essential in life.
...believes love conquers all
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Quotes that make you go hmmmm....
Some of my favorite quotes from books, movies, songs etc.
I promise to start writing more..I really do promise!!
I didn't invent the rainy day man. I just own the best umbrella.
– almost famous
I might be the only person on the face of this earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, Spence, and in every single thought that you have and how you say what you mean and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good about me.
– as good as it gets
As a rock on the seashore he standeth firm, and the dashing of the waves disturbeth him not. He raiseth his head like a tower on a hill, and the arrows of fortune drop at his feet. In the instant of danger, the courage of his heart sustaineth him; and the steadiness of his mind beareth him out.
- Aristotle
I have been all things unholy. If God can work through me, he can work through anyone.
- St. Francis of Assisi
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
- Douglas Adams
As for accomplishments, I just did what I had to do as things came along.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Don't listen to that guy. He's trying to lead you down the path of righteousness. I'm gonna lead you down the path that rocks.
- Emperor's New Groove
I am a woman who enjoys herself very much; sometimes I lose, sometimes I win.
- Mata Hari
That's the beauty of music. They can't take that away from you.
- Shawshank
Even if you were going to live three thousand years, and even ten thousand times that, still remember that no man loses any other life than this which he now lives, nor lives any other than this which he now loses. The longest and shortest are thus brought to the same. For the present is the same to all, though that which perishes is not the same; and so what is lost appears to be a mere moment. For a man cannot lose either the past or the future: for what a man has not, how can anyone take this from him? These two things then you must bear in mind: the one, that all things from eternity are of like forms and come round in a circle, and it makes no difference whether a man shall see the same things during a hundred years or two hundred, or a infinite time; and the second, that he who lives longest and he who will die soonest lose just the same. For the present is the only thing of which a man can be deprived , if it is true that this is the only thing which he has, and that a man cannot lose something he does not already possess.
- Marcus
more to come...
Some of my favorite quotes from books, movies, songs etc.
I promise to start writing more..I really do promise!!
I didn't invent the rainy day man. I just own the best umbrella.
– almost famous
I might be the only person on the face of this earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, Spence, and in every single thought that you have and how you say what you mean and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good about me.
– as good as it gets
As a rock on the seashore he standeth firm, and the dashing of the waves disturbeth him not. He raiseth his head like a tower on a hill, and the arrows of fortune drop at his feet. In the instant of danger, the courage of his heart sustaineth him; and the steadiness of his mind beareth him out.
- Aristotle
I have been all things unholy. If God can work through me, he can work through anyone.
- St. Francis of Assisi
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
- Douglas Adams
As for accomplishments, I just did what I had to do as things came along.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Don't listen to that guy. He's trying to lead you down the path of righteousness. I'm gonna lead you down the path that rocks.
- Emperor's New Groove
I am a woman who enjoys herself very much; sometimes I lose, sometimes I win.
- Mata Hari
That's the beauty of music. They can't take that away from you.
- Shawshank
Even if you were going to live three thousand years, and even ten thousand times that, still remember that no man loses any other life than this which he now lives, nor lives any other than this which he now loses. The longest and shortest are thus brought to the same. For the present is the same to all, though that which perishes is not the same; and so what is lost appears to be a mere moment. For a man cannot lose either the past or the future: for what a man has not, how can anyone take this from him? These two things then you must bear in mind: the one, that all things from eternity are of like forms and come round in a circle, and it makes no difference whether a man shall see the same things during a hundred years or two hundred, or a infinite time; and the second, that he who lives longest and he who will die soonest lose just the same. For the present is the only thing of which a man can be deprived , if it is true that this is the only thing which he has, and that a man cannot lose something he does not already possess.
- Marcus
more to come...
Friday, December 30, 2005
The Year That Was 2005
I am not going to explain why I have not written in a few months. Mostly, I don’t have a single answer. However, I have always written an “end–of-the-year” ego boosting, self absorbed and yet oh so very deep essay that manages to make me feel just a teeny bit better about the unknown year to come.
I started this year jobless and depressed. I kid you not; I learned to cook just so I would have something to do with my day besides watching old marathons of Law and Order. I guess I can knock cooking off my list of things to learn in life.
Around this time I went into a deep reflection of where I was in life and where I wanted to be. I began to realize the best way to make ones dreams come true is to actually believe one is actually capable of making those dreams a reality. Dreaming about things is great. Believing those dreams takes work. It takes a knowing that I am smart enough and talented enough to make it possible. Without that, a dream is just a dream; it is a colored yet blurry picture that fades away as soon as the eyes open to bring on the new day.
Above all else, without knowing what we want, we can’t make it happen. I had to figure out what I wanted and that is what I did. I know I wanted what I already had in life, a great family, a guy I love, friends I would do anything for, and even a cute doggie that thought I was the best thing since sliced bread. So what didn’t I have?
When my Great Grandma Jimmy died I felt like a small chunk of my heart was ripped out of me. But I took that time to look at my Grandpas life as a model of what we should all attain. He had wisdom and confidence. He knew about the world and the people in it. I wanted to die of old age surrounded by a big huge successful and fulfilled family. I looked at him and knew I wanted to be somebody special. I wanted to be somebody that gives to the world as much as the world gives to me.
The best way to give to the world is to entertain them, so I decided I would do whatever it takes to be successful at entertainment. Whether I choose marketing and PR, or writing for a glossy, or becoming an A&R Rep and have the ability to bring new great music to the people, I know the foundation of what I want to do will involve the music industry somehow.
A big, huge, ginourmous chunk of my life has been surrounded by music. Things have been made possible because of music. Music can be set in an order to be the soundtrack of my life. I can’t explain the magical feeling I get when I listen to a song that speaks to me, yet I know my purpose in life is to have others get that same feeling.
With that in the know, I took on a job as an assistant in a marketing department of a hospital. It wasn’t exactly what I want to do, but it is a great thing to put on my resume while I finish school. I changed my concentration at school to Entertainment Studies and made a promise to myself that even if I were studying 7 days straight I would take full loads each semester and summer until I finished. That degree is my first goal and I am determined to get there. My uncle told me in an email a while back, that he knew I would end up the superstar. I trust his opinion. I think I just may come out on top. However, it is I who has to put in the work to get there.
It won’t be easy, but I am surrounded by love. And, I know with the foundation of love, anything is possible, no matter what rough roads lay ahead.
Enough mush mush, it is time for my year-end lists.
So without further delay here are my picks of the best things about this very packed year.
Best Records of the Year:
The Decembrists – Picaresque
Eels – Blinking Lights and Other Revelations
Kaiser Chiefs – Employment
Madonna – Confessions on a Dance Floor
Paul McCartney – Chaos and Creation in the Backyard
Best Concerts of the Year:
Paul McCartney
I got these tickets as an anniversary present and I have to say my life long dream coming true was everything I imagined it to be.
Oasis
Although the two brothers did not give much of their infamous banter, the concert itself was fabulous
My own Performance of “Wonderwall”, - a karaoke bar in New York that I don’t remember much of. It was here that I established my status of the new Rock n’ Roll Queen
Brian Wilson – the only thing you can say about Brian is that everything he does, everything he says, and every musical note and harmony that slithers off that stage is beautiful. It is beautiful in a way that one would imagine Angels singing down on us from heaven.
The Decembrists – Not sure which I liked better, the concert or the encore. I have to say the concert was a mighty bit different than the first time I saw the Decembrists in a small crowded bar. They certainly rose to indie fame this year.
Best TV Shows
Veronica Mars – missing Buffy is horrible. But having another kick ass female heroine on TV helps soften the blow.
Lost – A TV show that reminds us that even TV can be smart, interesting, and detailed. With layers and layers of themes and metaphors, a plot that keeps you coming back, and multi-faceted characters, this ain't no Gilligan’s Island.
Nip/Tuck – While the Junior season was a far bit more splotchy than previous seasons, the astonishing finale where we finally see who the carver is, and get another twist thrown in, makes us excited to see what the fourth season entails.
Best Movies
“Crash” – A movie that sticks with you for months
“War of the Worlds” – I hate Tom Cruise. But, I love Steven Spielberg. Oh the mixed emotions there! But you can’t deny that this movie is one hell of a ride.
“Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” – Non-stop from beginning to end. These movies, like the books, get better and better.
“The 40 year old Virgin” – The kind of comedy I like. It has a heart and makes you piss your pants at the same time.
more lists coming...
I am not going to explain why I have not written in a few months. Mostly, I don’t have a single answer. However, I have always written an “end–of-the-year” ego boosting, self absorbed and yet oh so very deep essay that manages to make me feel just a teeny bit better about the unknown year to come.
I started this year jobless and depressed. I kid you not; I learned to cook just so I would have something to do with my day besides watching old marathons of Law and Order. I guess I can knock cooking off my list of things to learn in life.
Around this time I went into a deep reflection of where I was in life and where I wanted to be. I began to realize the best way to make ones dreams come true is to actually believe one is actually capable of making those dreams a reality. Dreaming about things is great. Believing those dreams takes work. It takes a knowing that I am smart enough and talented enough to make it possible. Without that, a dream is just a dream; it is a colored yet blurry picture that fades away as soon as the eyes open to bring on the new day.
Above all else, without knowing what we want, we can’t make it happen. I had to figure out what I wanted and that is what I did. I know I wanted what I already had in life, a great family, a guy I love, friends I would do anything for, and even a cute doggie that thought I was the best thing since sliced bread. So what didn’t I have?
When my Great Grandma Jimmy died I felt like a small chunk of my heart was ripped out of me. But I took that time to look at my Grandpas life as a model of what we should all attain. He had wisdom and confidence. He knew about the world and the people in it. I wanted to die of old age surrounded by a big huge successful and fulfilled family. I looked at him and knew I wanted to be somebody special. I wanted to be somebody that gives to the world as much as the world gives to me.
The best way to give to the world is to entertain them, so I decided I would do whatever it takes to be successful at entertainment. Whether I choose marketing and PR, or writing for a glossy, or becoming an A&R Rep and have the ability to bring new great music to the people, I know the foundation of what I want to do will involve the music industry somehow.
A big, huge, ginourmous chunk of my life has been surrounded by music. Things have been made possible because of music. Music can be set in an order to be the soundtrack of my life. I can’t explain the magical feeling I get when I listen to a song that speaks to me, yet I know my purpose in life is to have others get that same feeling.
With that in the know, I took on a job as an assistant in a marketing department of a hospital. It wasn’t exactly what I want to do, but it is a great thing to put on my resume while I finish school. I changed my concentration at school to Entertainment Studies and made a promise to myself that even if I were studying 7 days straight I would take full loads each semester and summer until I finished. That degree is my first goal and I am determined to get there. My uncle told me in an email a while back, that he knew I would end up the superstar. I trust his opinion. I think I just may come out on top. However, it is I who has to put in the work to get there.
It won’t be easy, but I am surrounded by love. And, I know with the foundation of love, anything is possible, no matter what rough roads lay ahead.
Enough mush mush, it is time for my year-end lists.
So without further delay here are my picks of the best things about this very packed year.
Best Records of the Year:
The Decembrists – Picaresque
Eels – Blinking Lights and Other Revelations
Kaiser Chiefs – Employment
Madonna – Confessions on a Dance Floor
Paul McCartney – Chaos and Creation in the Backyard
Best Concerts of the Year:
Paul McCartney
I got these tickets as an anniversary present and I have to say my life long dream coming true was everything I imagined it to be.
Oasis
Although the two brothers did not give much of their infamous banter, the concert itself was fabulous
My own Performance of “Wonderwall”, - a karaoke bar in New York that I don’t remember much of. It was here that I established my status of the new Rock n’ Roll Queen
Brian Wilson – the only thing you can say about Brian is that everything he does, everything he says, and every musical note and harmony that slithers off that stage is beautiful. It is beautiful in a way that one would imagine Angels singing down on us from heaven.
The Decembrists – Not sure which I liked better, the concert or the encore. I have to say the concert was a mighty bit different than the first time I saw the Decembrists in a small crowded bar. They certainly rose to indie fame this year.
Best TV Shows
Veronica Mars – missing Buffy is horrible. But having another kick ass female heroine on TV helps soften the blow.
Lost – A TV show that reminds us that even TV can be smart, interesting, and detailed. With layers and layers of themes and metaphors, a plot that keeps you coming back, and multi-faceted characters, this ain't no Gilligan’s Island.
Nip/Tuck – While the Junior season was a far bit more splotchy than previous seasons, the astonishing finale where we finally see who the carver is, and get another twist thrown in, makes us excited to see what the fourth season entails.
Best Movies
“Crash” – A movie that sticks with you for months
“War of the Worlds” – I hate Tom Cruise. But, I love Steven Spielberg. Oh the mixed emotions there! But you can’t deny that this movie is one hell of a ride.
“Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” – Non-stop from beginning to end. These movies, like the books, get better and better.
“The 40 year old Virgin” – The kind of comedy I like. It has a heart and makes you piss your pants at the same time.
more lists coming...
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Are men and women really that different?
The short answer is yes, they really are.
Is this politically incorrect? Only if one makes it so. Being different is not a bad thing.
Right now the a big factor in determining a women’s life is if and when she will have kids, and will she work or stay at home and raise them. Some women think they are giving up many things if they stay at home to raise their kids, falling into the trap of “desperate housewife” and failing to contribute to society by working as a career woman. They forget that raising children contribute to society in many more ways.
More so women feel like, post feminism has left them with the idea that they can do everything a man does in regard to career and otherwise. Women are better than men is a mantra that is given repeatedly. The problem is most of these women who fight genetics and environment to climb upon a podium as high as their male counterpart are helping the stereotype they wish to fight. The basic argument of these women is to fight the gender stereotype by being “more like a man.” Well why would a women want to be? Why can’t a women be happy being a women and different than a man. Doesn’t that give them more power anyway? Doesn’t that raise them to a higher level even though it’s a different podium than men?
It would seem to me that a women to embraces her womanly features, her nurturing nature, and her ability to have children, with pride, would be fighting the system for more women’s rights than someone who tries to fight that and be more like exactly what they are trying to fight.
Here is a simple fact. Estrogen makes one more emotional and therefore more in tune to others emotions. It makes them more nurturing as well. These two attributes make a woman more apt to taking care of a baby. Testosterone makes one more aggressive and focused; a great attribute for getting ahead in business. Women can multitask. Men have tunnel vision. If men have no qualms about who they are and don’t try to change themselves to be more of a “Mr. Mom” type then why do women feel the need to be more like a man. It is as if these women are saying that the male sex is the superior sex.
Sounds kind of contradictory to me.
Before anyone decides to shoot me here I must state the fact that some women have to work while having babies and some choose to not because they have to but because they have a job that they love. This is ok... everything is a personnel choice. But it is women that do things to set out and prove they can be better I have a real problem with.
It seems to be that our American society has always gone to the extremes when it comes to the way women feel about themselves and their role. The 50s took submission to the extreme with articles written in women’s magazines about what a wife should do for her husband when he came home from work so he felt good.
We then took it to the complete opposite extreme, throwing away the “traditional” family unit when we had women burning bras (have no idea who could be so stupid to do this bras are expensive), and refusing to get married saying it discredited them.
Now we are stuck. We are stuck between solid traditional family values, an idea that is very prominent in my community of Orange County, and a weird mix of post feminist rants like, “I want to work but I also want to raise 3 three kids and do everything 24 hours a day.”
What is the balance?
The short answer is yes, they really are.
Is this politically incorrect? Only if one makes it so. Being different is not a bad thing.
Right now the a big factor in determining a women’s life is if and when she will have kids, and will she work or stay at home and raise them. Some women think they are giving up many things if they stay at home to raise their kids, falling into the trap of “desperate housewife” and failing to contribute to society by working as a career woman. They forget that raising children contribute to society in many more ways.
More so women feel like, post feminism has left them with the idea that they can do everything a man does in regard to career and otherwise. Women are better than men is a mantra that is given repeatedly. The problem is most of these women who fight genetics and environment to climb upon a podium as high as their male counterpart are helping the stereotype they wish to fight. The basic argument of these women is to fight the gender stereotype by being “more like a man.” Well why would a women want to be? Why can’t a women be happy being a women and different than a man. Doesn’t that give them more power anyway? Doesn’t that raise them to a higher level even though it’s a different podium than men?
It would seem to me that a women to embraces her womanly features, her nurturing nature, and her ability to have children, with pride, would be fighting the system for more women’s rights than someone who tries to fight that and be more like exactly what they are trying to fight.
Here is a simple fact. Estrogen makes one more emotional and therefore more in tune to others emotions. It makes them more nurturing as well. These two attributes make a woman more apt to taking care of a baby. Testosterone makes one more aggressive and focused; a great attribute for getting ahead in business. Women can multitask. Men have tunnel vision. If men have no qualms about who they are and don’t try to change themselves to be more of a “Mr. Mom” type then why do women feel the need to be more like a man. It is as if these women are saying that the male sex is the superior sex.
Sounds kind of contradictory to me.
Before anyone decides to shoot me here I must state the fact that some women have to work while having babies and some choose to not because they have to but because they have a job that they love. This is ok... everything is a personnel choice. But it is women that do things to set out and prove they can be better I have a real problem with.
It seems to be that our American society has always gone to the extremes when it comes to the way women feel about themselves and their role. The 50s took submission to the extreme with articles written in women’s magazines about what a wife should do for her husband when he came home from work so he felt good.
We then took it to the complete opposite extreme, throwing away the “traditional” family unit when we had women burning bras (have no idea who could be so stupid to do this bras are expensive), and refusing to get married saying it discredited them.
Now we are stuck. We are stuck between solid traditional family values, an idea that is very prominent in my community of Orange County, and a weird mix of post feminist rants like, “I want to work but I also want to raise 3 three kids and do everything 24 hours a day.”
What is the balance?
Saturday, September 03, 2005
I am now living in sin
I know I have not been updating lately. I have been in the middle of some very big changes in my life.
I needed time to just sit and think after Grandpa Jimmy passed away. I was then in the midst of moving into my new home.
Yes that is right…I am living in sin.
I am cohabitating.
I am, as my great grandmother says, sampling the menu before I buy.
I am now officially moved in with the BF. Everyone told me it would be an “adjustment” and “a learning experience.” Actually…it has not been an adjustment at all, except I write this from my laptop on our couch instead of my parents couch back at their place (it still feels weird to call it “their” place.)
To be honest, not much has changed. I stayed over most nights anyway and I already had loads of stuff here. I think it is probably more of an “adjustment” for the BF. I took over the place.
The bathroom and vanity now looks like a makeup counter at Nordstrom’s. My clothes take up most of the closet space we have, and my cabbage patch kid that I have had since I was two now sits comfortably on a chair. The BF calls it, “Hurricane Rachel.” Ha freaking Ha.
There has, come to think of it, been one adjustment. Before I moved in, if I was…umm….surfing the crimson wave, I would just stay home for a couple of days.
See I turn into a raging loony. I become a bitch. A monster. A hormonal roller coaster. Plus I feel very unsexy.
So what happens 3 days after I officially move in? I get my monthly psychotic meltdown. Poor BF.
Aside from that, and fighting over who gets tivo privileges during prime time, there have not been any big disagreements.
Week one – we don’t hate each other yet. Lets see how week two goes.
I know I have not been updating lately. I have been in the middle of some very big changes in my life.
I needed time to just sit and think after Grandpa Jimmy passed away. I was then in the midst of moving into my new home.
Yes that is right…I am living in sin.
I am cohabitating.
I am, as my great grandmother says, sampling the menu before I buy.
I am now officially moved in with the BF. Everyone told me it would be an “adjustment” and “a learning experience.” Actually…it has not been an adjustment at all, except I write this from my laptop on our couch instead of my parents couch back at their place (it still feels weird to call it “their” place.)
To be honest, not much has changed. I stayed over most nights anyway and I already had loads of stuff here. I think it is probably more of an “adjustment” for the BF. I took over the place.
The bathroom and vanity now looks like a makeup counter at Nordstrom’s. My clothes take up most of the closet space we have, and my cabbage patch kid that I have had since I was two now sits comfortably on a chair. The BF calls it, “Hurricane Rachel.” Ha freaking Ha.
There has, come to think of it, been one adjustment. Before I moved in, if I was…umm….surfing the crimson wave, I would just stay home for a couple of days.
See I turn into a raging loony. I become a bitch. A monster. A hormonal roller coaster. Plus I feel very unsexy.
So what happens 3 days after I officially move in? I get my monthly psychotic meltdown. Poor BF.
Aside from that, and fighting over who gets tivo privileges during prime time, there have not been any big disagreements.
Week one – we don’t hate each other yet. Lets see how week two goes.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Is it the quest or the goal that is the real goal?
The quest for the Holy Grail has been the main goal of many peoples lives throughout modern history. Did the Knights Templer find it? What did they find?
There are theories that the grail is hidden in a beautiful gothic church in Scotland, there are theories that the grail is not even a grail at all but rather a "secret" so vast it would change the worlds way of thinking....a divine blood line?
Non fiction books such as Holy Blood Holy Grail and fiction books such as The Da Vinci code all point to this quest....the most important and expensive quest of our time.
However, I have to wonder if the quest in itself is more important than finding the grail. The quest is what gives people a sense of purpose, their lives meaning, and a goal to achieve. But what would happen if they found it? What purpose would these "grail seekers" have? Maybe that is why it would never be found.
Buddhist seek Nirvana...but do they ever get it? How much do they have to meditate to get it? While the Buddha achieved it sitting under a tree, Buddhist maintain their presence in the here and now, meditate, and don't worry about the Nirvana. It is the meditation and peacefulness they relish.
In our own lives, we have goals. We want to achieve riches and have families. We have dreams, like mine to write a great novel. I want to have a big family, a great writing career and a sense of peacefulness. I want to achieve that end result. But what is more important, achieving the end result or the road to get there?
I used to think of the end. I am finding myself more and more thinking of now. Because, once we get to the end, there is nowhere else to go. Once we find our own Holy Grail we have no more quest. We have no more adventure. Life is no longer needed.
My Holy Grail may be different than everyone else. But I think our quest for something is one in the same; That our quest should be full of love, laughter, adventure, learning, and comfort. Once we can live with that....the end just does not seem as important.
The quest for the Holy Grail has been the main goal of many peoples lives throughout modern history. Did the Knights Templer find it? What did they find?
There are theories that the grail is hidden in a beautiful gothic church in Scotland, there are theories that the grail is not even a grail at all but rather a "secret" so vast it would change the worlds way of thinking....a divine blood line?
Non fiction books such as Holy Blood Holy Grail and fiction books such as The Da Vinci code all point to this quest....the most important and expensive quest of our time.
However, I have to wonder if the quest in itself is more important than finding the grail. The quest is what gives people a sense of purpose, their lives meaning, and a goal to achieve. But what would happen if they found it? What purpose would these "grail seekers" have? Maybe that is why it would never be found.
Buddhist seek Nirvana...but do they ever get it? How much do they have to meditate to get it? While the Buddha achieved it sitting under a tree, Buddhist maintain their presence in the here and now, meditate, and don't worry about the Nirvana. It is the meditation and peacefulness they relish.
In our own lives, we have goals. We want to achieve riches and have families. We have dreams, like mine to write a great novel. I want to have a big family, a great writing career and a sense of peacefulness. I want to achieve that end result. But what is more important, achieving the end result or the road to get there?
I used to think of the end. I am finding myself more and more thinking of now. Because, once we get to the end, there is nowhere else to go. Once we find our own Holy Grail we have no more quest. We have no more adventure. Life is no longer needed.
My Holy Grail may be different than everyone else. But I think our quest for something is one in the same; That our quest should be full of love, laughter, adventure, learning, and comfort. Once we can live with that....the end just does not seem as important.
Monday, August 15, 2005
The life we would all want to live....
I come from a huge family. The family is load and unique and could very well be a successful reality television show. Everyone in my family talks more than everyone else. Standing at the top of this family was a man of very few words. My Great Grandfather Jim liked to sit there, at the head of the table, and smile at all the crazy people in my family as if thinking, "Look what I have created."
Now he is gone forever...
Whenever he would look at me I felt he had a special smile reserved only as our little secret. Maybe, it is because he saw a little bit of my late Great Grandma Rose in me. Maybe he just thought I was special. Period.
When he did speak it was short, concise and always right. He was a personnel wisdom machine.
Last Tuesday my Great Grandfather was taken from me suddenly. He had been on dialysis for the past two years and his body just had enough. Blood thinners made it so he could not clot properly and on that Tuesday morning God took him away.
The New York family flew out here immediately and Thursday was an intimate funeral where he was buried next to my Great Grandma Rose. One of his last wishes was to be buried with his golf clothes on and his clubs right next to him. An excellent athlete right until the end. I stood next to my boyfriend, who has been amazingly supportive and thought to myself....if I had made him promise me he would stick around for me to have kids, then would he have let go? My Grandma made him promise he would stick around for her 50th anniversary and he did. He promised to stick around for my brother's wedding and he did. I should have made him promise. However, maybe he just felt it was time.
It is hard to think of him without tears welling up in my eyes. He lived a full life, made a huge family that he was proud of, prided himself of being a family man......an all around class act. He died at 93, leaving his third wife (he outlived the others) my Great Grandma Lisa...the only one I ever knew.
I wish I got more time with him. But then again, we always want more. There is no right time for someone to go. We can all hope to live the life he lead. He died in old age leaving a legacy behind. But it still hurts like hell. It hurts like a rock in my stomach.
I don't know why I am writing this but I guess I just feel like maybe my Jimmy can live on if more people know how amazing he was...
So rest in peace Grandpa.
I will miss your smile...
I will miss your infinite wisdom...
I will miss your peacefulness...
I will miss your charming overly confident demeanor (which only old people can pull off anyway)...
I will miss your warmth...
Most of all though....I will miss your love
I come from a huge family. The family is load and unique and could very well be a successful reality television show. Everyone in my family talks more than everyone else. Standing at the top of this family was a man of very few words. My Great Grandfather Jim liked to sit there, at the head of the table, and smile at all the crazy people in my family as if thinking, "Look what I have created."
Now he is gone forever...
Whenever he would look at me I felt he had a special smile reserved only as our little secret. Maybe, it is because he saw a little bit of my late Great Grandma Rose in me. Maybe he just thought I was special. Period.
When he did speak it was short, concise and always right. He was a personnel wisdom machine.
Last Tuesday my Great Grandfather was taken from me suddenly. He had been on dialysis for the past two years and his body just had enough. Blood thinners made it so he could not clot properly and on that Tuesday morning God took him away.
The New York family flew out here immediately and Thursday was an intimate funeral where he was buried next to my Great Grandma Rose. One of his last wishes was to be buried with his golf clothes on and his clubs right next to him. An excellent athlete right until the end. I stood next to my boyfriend, who has been amazingly supportive and thought to myself....if I had made him promise me he would stick around for me to have kids, then would he have let go? My Grandma made him promise he would stick around for her 50th anniversary and he did. He promised to stick around for my brother's wedding and he did. I should have made him promise. However, maybe he just felt it was time.
It is hard to think of him without tears welling up in my eyes. He lived a full life, made a huge family that he was proud of, prided himself of being a family man......an all around class act. He died at 93, leaving his third wife (he outlived the others) my Great Grandma Lisa...the only one I ever knew.
I wish I got more time with him. But then again, we always want more. There is no right time for someone to go. We can all hope to live the life he lead. He died in old age leaving a legacy behind. But it still hurts like hell. It hurts like a rock in my stomach.
I don't know why I am writing this but I guess I just feel like maybe my Jimmy can live on if more people know how amazing he was...
So rest in peace Grandpa.
I will miss your smile...
I will miss your infinite wisdom...
I will miss your peacefulness...
I will miss your charming overly confident demeanor (which only old people can pull off anyway)...
I will miss your warmth...
Most of all though....I will miss your love
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Life Revelation #1
If you spill coffee...the rest of the day will suck
I always stop by Coffee Bean on my way to work. Most of the time I order my grande house blend with nonfat milk and three splendas. I then proceed to order a large ice blended mocha for one of my coworkers.
Yesterday as I was parking my car I ran into a problem of sorts...
I got out of my car and set the two coffee items on the roof of my car. I then reached down into my automobile to retrieve my purse thus knocking the entire contents of that large ice blended mocha with whipped cream onto my body. We are talking the shit got in my hair all over my scrubs all over my shoes and socks....I was a mess...
So I said a few mild obscenities and tried to figure out what the hell to do next. I would have gotten in trouble if I went home to change being that I live 40 minutes away. I did not have any other scrubs with me and the mall across the street did not open until ten. SHIT...
I then remembered I had some dirty clothes I did not take out of my trunk from my boyfriends house. So I climbed into my backseat and took off my mocha covered clothes (which even soaked through to my socks) and stripped naked. I put on my dirty scrubs and called my father.
"Dad I have an emergency"
"what's wrong"?!
I explained to him what had happened with a response mixed with amusement and anger. He was going to go over to the mall for me at ten to buy me some new scrubs and socks.
I was 20 minutes late for work and of course got yelled at.
The day did not get any better....
My supervisor was a bitch all day.
My co worker got in a cat fight with my supervisor...
I smelled of mocha even after I changed my clothes...
Today is much much better.
I might be getting a new job in the marketing department. It is part time and fits with my school schedule (oh yeah did I mention I am starting up school again?)
It is an entry level job but it is in the field I want to be in. NO MORE Breast Center. No more bitchy ladies....WOOO HOOO!!!!!
I am also moving out. :)
I am also getting a puppy...just my boyfriend does not know it yet so shhhhhh, Actually I am getting the puppy for the holidays as a gift. But still, don't tell!
I have not been writing much lately because I have been working like hell and spending my free time packing up my stuff and cleaning out what needs to be thrown away. I promise a very intriguing yet witty post is coming soon.
I want to move to New York.
If you spill coffee...the rest of the day will suck
I always stop by Coffee Bean on my way to work. Most of the time I order my grande house blend with nonfat milk and three splendas. I then proceed to order a large ice blended mocha for one of my coworkers.
Yesterday as I was parking my car I ran into a problem of sorts...
I got out of my car and set the two coffee items on the roof of my car. I then reached down into my automobile to retrieve my purse thus knocking the entire contents of that large ice blended mocha with whipped cream onto my body. We are talking the shit got in my hair all over my scrubs all over my shoes and socks....I was a mess...
So I said a few mild obscenities and tried to figure out what the hell to do next. I would have gotten in trouble if I went home to change being that I live 40 minutes away. I did not have any other scrubs with me and the mall across the street did not open until ten. SHIT...
I then remembered I had some dirty clothes I did not take out of my trunk from my boyfriends house. So I climbed into my backseat and took off my mocha covered clothes (which even soaked through to my socks) and stripped naked. I put on my dirty scrubs and called my father.
"Dad I have an emergency"
"what's wrong"?!
I explained to him what had happened with a response mixed with amusement and anger. He was going to go over to the mall for me at ten to buy me some new scrubs and socks.
I was 20 minutes late for work and of course got yelled at.
The day did not get any better....
My supervisor was a bitch all day.
My co worker got in a cat fight with my supervisor...
I smelled of mocha even after I changed my clothes...
Today is much much better.
I might be getting a new job in the marketing department. It is part time and fits with my school schedule (oh yeah did I mention I am starting up school again?)
It is an entry level job but it is in the field I want to be in. NO MORE Breast Center. No more bitchy ladies....WOOO HOOO!!!!!
I am also moving out. :)
I am also getting a puppy...just my boyfriend does not know it yet so shhhhhh, Actually I am getting the puppy for the holidays as a gift. But still, don't tell!
I have not been writing much lately because I have been working like hell and spending my free time packing up my stuff and cleaning out what needs to be thrown away. I promise a very intriguing yet witty post is coming soon.
I want to move to New York.
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Im bored.....
Last person who...
1. Slept in your bed: Josh
2. Saw you cry: Josh, my mom, my sister
3. Made you cry: a movie
4. You went to the movies with: Josh
5. You went to the mall with: myself
6. One thing you could take back: I don't do take backs
Have you ever,....
1. Said "I Love You" and meant it: yeah once
2. Got in in a fight with your pet?:no...but he does a get a yellin sometimes
3. Been to California: I live here
4. Been to Mexico: Yes...without my parents even knowing
5. Been to China: No
6. Been to Canada: No
7. Been to Europe:yeah I went backpacking. I had tons of fun but I got assaulted
8. Danced naked:oh allllll the time
9. Wish you were the opposite sex: nah I enjoy being a girly girl
Radom Questions......
1. Do you have a crush on someone: does my boyfriend count?
2. What book are you reading now: HP and the half blood prince
3. Worst feeling in the world: Having someone you love die
4. Future KIDS names: for boys I like - Jacob, Micah, Benjamin. For girls I like Isabella Rose, Eleana, Sofia and Hazel.
5. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: when I am not sleeping with something else
6. What's under your bed: not sure I even want to know
7. Favorite sport to watch: Tennis, it is so intense...and baseball for the integrity
8. Location:Fullerton (Orange County) California
9. Piercings/Tattoos: one in each year and my belly button. one tattoo on my ass
10. What are you most scared of: drowning, car crashing, scorpions
11. Where do you want to get married: somewhere overlooking the ocean
12. Who do you really hate: Hitler
13. Do you have a job: yeah I work in a hospital
14. Do you like being around people: Oh yeah!
15. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with? yes....once in high school.
16. Have you ever cried: yes all the time
17. Are you lonely right now: no
18. Song that's stuck in your head a lot: Any Beatles or REM song
Have You Ever....
1. Been in love: Yes
2. Played strip poker: no
3. Gotten beaten up: yes
4. Pulled an all nighter: yeah not always studying either
5. Been on radio/tv: I was on Star Lounge
6. Been in a mosh-pit:yeah and I got trampled and knocked unconscious
7. Do you have any gay/lesbian friends: yes
8. Skinny dipped: in multiple countries!
In the last 24 Hours have you...
1. Cried: no
2. Bought something: food count?
3. Gotten sick: no
4. Sang: yeah
5. Been kissed: yeah
7. Felt stupid: nopes
8. Talked to an ex: nope
9. Missed someone: yeah a couple friends I have not seen in a while
10. Hugged someone: yeah and cuddles. I love it
Last person who...
1. Slept in your bed: Josh
2. Saw you cry: Josh, my mom, my sister
3. Made you cry: a movie
4. You went to the movies with: Josh
5. You went to the mall with: myself
6. One thing you could take back: I don't do take backs
Have you ever,....
1. Said "I Love You" and meant it: yeah once
2. Got in in a fight with your pet?:no...but he does a get a yellin sometimes
3. Been to California: I live here
4. Been to Mexico: Yes...without my parents even knowing
5. Been to China: No
6. Been to Canada: No
7. Been to Europe:yeah I went backpacking. I had tons of fun but I got assaulted
8. Danced naked:oh allllll the time
9. Wish you were the opposite sex: nah I enjoy being a girly girl
Radom Questions......
1. Do you have a crush on someone: does my boyfriend count?
2. What book are you reading now: HP and the half blood prince
3. Worst feeling in the world: Having someone you love die
4. Future KIDS names: for boys I like - Jacob, Micah, Benjamin. For girls I like Isabella Rose, Eleana, Sofia and Hazel.
5. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: when I am not sleeping with something else
6. What's under your bed: not sure I even want to know
7. Favorite sport to watch: Tennis, it is so intense...and baseball for the integrity
8. Location:Fullerton (Orange County) California
9. Piercings/Tattoos: one in each year and my belly button. one tattoo on my ass
10. What are you most scared of: drowning, car crashing, scorpions
11. Where do you want to get married: somewhere overlooking the ocean
12. Who do you really hate: Hitler
13. Do you have a job: yeah I work in a hospital
14. Do you like being around people: Oh yeah!
15. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with? yes....once in high school.
16. Have you ever cried: yes all the time
17. Are you lonely right now: no
18. Song that's stuck in your head a lot: Any Beatles or REM song
Have You Ever....
1. Been in love: Yes
2. Played strip poker: no
3. Gotten beaten up: yes
4. Pulled an all nighter: yeah not always studying either
5. Been on radio/tv: I was on Star Lounge
6. Been in a mosh-pit:yeah and I got trampled and knocked unconscious
7. Do you have any gay/lesbian friends: yes
8. Skinny dipped: in multiple countries!
In the last 24 Hours have you...
1. Cried: no
2. Bought something: food count?
3. Gotten sick: no
4. Sang: yeah
5. Been kissed: yeah
7. Felt stupid: nopes
8. Talked to an ex: nope
9. Missed someone: yeah a couple friends I have not seen in a while
10. Hugged someone: yeah and cuddles. I love it
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
I know I know I have been a shitty poster this past week. Please forgive me....
I had my friends from out of town (out of the country) come in for a visit and my weekend was spent showing them around our little neck of the woods. Monday we went to Disneyland (never go in July if you want to keep your sanity).
Disneyland was tons of fun. They have done it up nicely for the 50th anniversary celebration. I didn't buy much though, most of my money was spent buying the 3 dollar water and the 4 dollar sodas.
I loved spending the weekend with my little "niece" Kaylie. My friends who were visiting (from Aruba) have a two year old daughter who is just the cutest thing in the world. I would be lying if I said I did not get choked up when she would say, "Auntie Rachel come here" AHh precious.
I know I, personally, am not ready for children just yet. I want to be married and have my career well under way. But it is fun to think what my kids would look like and how they will act (perfect of course). I, being the girly girl that I am, starting picking baby names around the age of 14 so I cant say I am not prepared. ;)
I was thinking the other day that before all of that...before I settle down with kids, I want to live in New York, even if it is just for a tiny bit. I know it is not a place to raise kids or anything, but it is a damn good place to live for a while.
The brother and the boyfriend have plans to take over the world....God help us.
I am started an extreme training regimen to train for the mud run....I will have the body I always dreamed of having.
I really want a puppy. A YORKIE!!!!
I promise I will have some philosophical yet funny post later but work is calling...
For now I leave you with a few questions....
If you could save one item from your house on fire what would it be and why?
If you could pick one item that you want right now if money did not matter what would it be?
If you had to pick an animal that acts most like you what would it be and why?
If you were on death row, what would your last meal request be?
If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be and why?
If you had to pick between being satisfied sexually for the rest of you life or spending it with a best friend where no sex was there which would it be?
fill them out in the comments people! :)
I had my friends from out of town (out of the country) come in for a visit and my weekend was spent showing them around our little neck of the woods. Monday we went to Disneyland (never go in July if you want to keep your sanity).
Disneyland was tons of fun. They have done it up nicely for the 50th anniversary celebration. I didn't buy much though, most of my money was spent buying the 3 dollar water and the 4 dollar sodas.
I loved spending the weekend with my little "niece" Kaylie. My friends who were visiting (from Aruba) have a two year old daughter who is just the cutest thing in the world. I would be lying if I said I did not get choked up when she would say, "Auntie Rachel come here" AHh precious.
I know I, personally, am not ready for children just yet. I want to be married and have my career well under way. But it is fun to think what my kids would look like and how they will act (perfect of course). I, being the girly girl that I am, starting picking baby names around the age of 14 so I cant say I am not prepared. ;)
I was thinking the other day that before all of that...before I settle down with kids, I want to live in New York, even if it is just for a tiny bit. I know it is not a place to raise kids or anything, but it is a damn good place to live for a while.
The brother and the boyfriend have plans to take over the world....God help us.
I am started an extreme training regimen to train for the mud run....I will have the body I always dreamed of having.
I really want a puppy. A YORKIE!!!!
I promise I will have some philosophical yet funny post later but work is calling...
For now I leave you with a few questions....
If you could save one item from your house on fire what would it be and why?
If you could pick one item that you want right now if money did not matter what would it be?
If you had to pick an animal that acts most like you what would it be and why?
If you were on death row, what would your last meal request be?
If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be and why?
If you had to pick between being satisfied sexually for the rest of you life or spending it with a best friend where no sex was there which would it be?
fill them out in the comments people! :)
Monday, July 18, 2005
Harry Potter!!!
Harry Potter came out. I finished the book already. It was one of the best so far and the answers given as well as the questions to be answered in book Seven are enough to give me that good tingly feeling of anticipation.
TWO YEARS TILL BOOK SEVEN COMES OUT!!
Have no fear, for those that have not yet read it I will not give out any spoilers. But I will say you will laugh, cry, and be shocked out of your seat all at once.
I am told the book sold 6.9 million copies in the first 24 hours. That is just nuts. This is a woman who is an inspiration to me not only because of her talent but because of how she even got there. Harry Potter was the first book Rowling ever wrote. How's that for divine luck?!
While Harry is based on the classic mythos of good vs. evil. The villain who fell to the dark side and the "chosen one" who's prophecy is to defeat him/her radiates throughout many of history's finest novels. Yet something about Harry is still very original. It has some "magic" in there I would say.
I miss the world it takes one into already. (Maybe I should not have finished so fast!) I am going to read the entire series before Seven comes out though. If only to transport myself to this magical world where anything is possible and the ability to love is the greatest weapon on earth.
Harry Potter came out. I finished the book already. It was one of the best so far and the answers given as well as the questions to be answered in book Seven are enough to give me that good tingly feeling of anticipation.
TWO YEARS TILL BOOK SEVEN COMES OUT!!
Have no fear, for those that have not yet read it I will not give out any spoilers. But I will say you will laugh, cry, and be shocked out of your seat all at once.
I am told the book sold 6.9 million copies in the first 24 hours. That is just nuts. This is a woman who is an inspiration to me not only because of her talent but because of how she even got there. Harry Potter was the first book Rowling ever wrote. How's that for divine luck?!
While Harry is based on the classic mythos of good vs. evil. The villain who fell to the dark side and the "chosen one" who's prophecy is to defeat him/her radiates throughout many of history's finest novels. Yet something about Harry is still very original. It has some "magic" in there I would say.
I miss the world it takes one into already. (Maybe I should not have finished so fast!) I am going to read the entire series before Seven comes out though. If only to transport myself to this magical world where anything is possible and the ability to love is the greatest weapon on earth.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
If you saw me walking down the street...
If you saw me walking down the street, you wouldn't really know me. I would be this stranger to you; Someone you would form an opinion on based on my walk, my talk, my clothes and my hair.
You might see me walking with a slight confident step. I know its a heavy walk, like I command the ground I am walking on. This is probably due to my years of dancing where I was always taught to "own the floor".
My jeans are probably expensive but I am not decked out in head to toe designer. If it is a casual day most likely its jeans, a tank top and flip flops. Designer sunglasses....a must.
By seeing me, this is probably the picture you would paint. A south Orange County girl. Spoiled. Confident. Pretty but not overwhelmingly so. Normal.
This is what I think when I see most people. I have come to find out how untrue that is.
Not many people who read this blog really know much of who I am. I am not talking about what has happened to me or where I have gone. Rather, what made me who I am...
I figure if I am going to tell somebody all that has happened I might as tell everybody who chooses to listen. I am not special. I am not someone who they could make a TV movie out of their life. I am just an ordinary girl who did what she had to do.
My childhood was nothing special. I was born into a big upper middle class family. We lived in Orange County. My parents were dual income so I had a nanny, Cecelia was her name. However, not once do I ever remember my parents ever missing a piano recital or a dance recital. I guess that's better than most can do.
I wasn't an easy child. Countless memories involve myself kicking my brother in the nuts with my steel toed tap shoes on, burning his entire hand with a curling iron, and threatening to tell our entire elementary school that for three months I had to sleep in his room because he had read the Boogeyman by Stephen King and was from then on afraid to sleep alone.
It's funny to look back on life and see these tiny little events completely snowball and create exactly who we are today. I still cause trouble. I still cry when anything bad happens. I still remember people looking at me and telling my parents, "Wow she is going to have the boys lining up when she gets older."
Amazing how one sentence, when seen through hindsight can help us be who we are.
I was a cute kid. I was very short and tiny. I had a round face, big huge green eyes, and brown hair. I was like the Gerber baby. This might be great in theory but from a young age I noticed that that was just not good enough. I was cute. I would become pretty one day. However, what I was not was one of those model type babies.
I grew to be an child among beauties. It seemed (and my memory could have been bias) that none of my friends went through any stage where they felt like strangers to their own bodies. I had some baby fat. Where my friends didn't. They were taller and had tan olive skin and no freckles. I felt out of place among my dancer friends. I wish I could say I hit puberty and it got better. It didn't.
When I was 13 I got very sick all of a sudden. I, being already very tiny for my age, stopped growing. I couldn't eat and what I did eat came right back up. I looked like the walking dead and got very depressed. I hung out with the bad crowd (if that is what they are called in 7th grade). Once I had stopped growing for an long time and they figured I did not have the flu I was run through a series of tests I do not wish upon my enemy. They stuck things where they did not belong. They poked, prodded and stuck me with needles. I had a stomach problem and only hard core very regulated medications could make me better.
The medication was worse than the disease.
It is called prednisone and if you ever see a transplant patient where their face doubles in size and becomes "moon like" then you have seen someone on it. They gave me the highest dose they could, patted me on the head and told me, "many kids don't have any bad side effects." they were wrong.
In two months my blood tests had gone to normal. My stomach healed. Yeah!! Woo hoo!!
Except I felt worse than I had before. I gained 50 pounds of pure water weight (which looks like a puffy baloon). I lost all of my "bad" friends. The boys made fun of me. The one guy I had a crush on, who liked me before, told me he just wanted to be friends. I had to stop competing in my dance competitions. My clothes did not fit. My face looked like every one of my teeth got knocked out. It was twice its size. It was then I learned some values of real friendship. The lesson...kids are mean.
It took almost a year to lose the weight, my entire 8th grade experience was tainted by this steroid that I now considered my worst enemy. I managed to enter high school with my petite body again. Only I was short, and my puberty was late, so I looked about 12 years old. (if you don't believe me I swear I can show pictures I could still get in free at the swap meet).
I had lost all of my friends who thankfully went to a different high school so I was determined to get to the popular girl status by any means necessary. I was sick of not being the best. I tried out for cheerleading and made it. I tried out for the dance team and made it. It would be an understatement to say I was not in awe of these girls I was now surrounded by. Long perfect hair. Perfect outfits. They had flat stomachs and hips. They gossiped about their boyfriends and who was throwing the best party that weekend. I wanted to be them.
I managed to make some friends. Some of them cheerleaders, some from my honors classes, all of them friends with each other before I got there leaving me feeling "outside" of the loop most of the time. I was into dancing pretty hard core, so I did not mind the lack of plans. I always had my dance friends and most weekends were spent going to competitions.
I still wanted to be in with this group of girls. They looked like women. They were popular already and even the junior and senior guys lusted after them. I never had even been kissed. I didn't even know how to flirt or date or anything. However, I was still determined. I kept wondering to myself, when I might start to become the beauty everyone said I would. I was still cute. Not a beauty.
It started to change the following year. I got a car and my license. I was the first one. I began to give the popular girls rides to parties. Deep down I knew they were using me because I was nice and had a car. I didn't care I was able to go to the parties. I was able to laugh when someone in the quad was joking about a guy who got soooo drunk the last weekend. It was starting to fall into place. I was becoming friends with the popular girls.
Junior year a guy transferred into our school who instantly became the most popular guy. He was the "hot" one and he knew it. Somehow we became friends. Best friends. Only I was in love with him (well as "in love" as someone could be at that age) and he looked at me like his little sister. We partied together. I became popular. I had my first kiss. I know now it was because I was willing to use my allowance on vodka for everyone and throw parties at my house when my parents were out of town. My once straight A grades dropped. I could not stand my parents. BUT I was popular. I was even friends with all the beautiful people which made me feel like maybe I was pretty too. Only I wasn't really. I was still in my cute phase, looking about 13 years old. None of the boys looked at me as girlfriend material. I was the cool girl to be friends with. I didn't care.
"Wow one day this girl will have the guys lining up after her."
Yeah, uh huh, when buddy???
I managed to graduate from high school and somehow start to look halfway pretty. I even had a few boys ask me out or hit on me. I still felt ugly.
It was not until I met this guy David that I felt like an adult. A pretty adult no less. People thought I was pretty. David thought I was hot. We went out for months. David was perfect. He was going into medical school. He was tall, dark and handsome, polite and nice. He was also very boring.
Next came Omri. Who would stare into my eyes and tell me I was the most beautiful girl in the world. He would ask my ring size and say, "soon." He told me he was in love with me after two weeks of going out and knew in his heart I was the "one." Being that I was so inexperienced and insecure I bought all of it. I ate it all up. Except Omri used me and dumped me when I was at my most vulnerable. I had just gotten back from backpacking in Europe. I had gotten assaulted and scarred. It happened as soon as I landed and something about the way he said, "It's not you it's me" made me realize that I really was not pretty enough. Or smart enough. Or good enough.
"Wow someday the boys will be lining up for her."
I got over Omri fairly quickly with some help of course. But I made a decision for the first time in my life to focus on me. I read every single self help book they carried at the bookstore. I listened to music to interpret the meaning of life. I studied philosophy to gain wisdom and read every piece of chick literature out there to help me feel optimistic ( no joke I was popping out about 5 chick books a week).
I studied Kabbalah, Jung, Toltec wisdom, scripture, Aristotle, and Marcus Aurelius. I read Ovid and books of alchemy. I read all of Plato (who I don't like at all) and Locke.
I started saying no to my friends (the popular ones) when they wanted to go clubbing. I spent my time exercising, reading and writing in my journal. I made my own plans, said no to every date because really no one was good enough or worth it.
One day I looked in the mirror. I stood there naked and for the first time in my life, loved exactly what I saw. I loved my face, my hair, and my body. Maybe I finally really did become pretty. Maybe I always was. Maybe it was my mind that changed.
I respected myself. I respected my ability to say no, to fight back, to not be with a guy just because he was the one that asked first. I could make a choice and that was perfection to me.
"One day Rachel, the boys will line up for you."
It happened. Then again at that point I didn't care.
What was more important is that I finally believed it. "One day" was here and the "boys" did not matter whether they lined up or not. (thankfully the right ones did hehe)
What mattered most was I got there.
I was beautiful.
If you saw me walking down the street, you wouldn't really know me. I would be this stranger to you; Someone you would form an opinion on based on my walk, my talk, my clothes and my hair.
You might see me walking with a slight confident step. I know its a heavy walk, like I command the ground I am walking on. This is probably due to my years of dancing where I was always taught to "own the floor".
My jeans are probably expensive but I am not decked out in head to toe designer. If it is a casual day most likely its jeans, a tank top and flip flops. Designer sunglasses....a must.
By seeing me, this is probably the picture you would paint. A south Orange County girl. Spoiled. Confident. Pretty but not overwhelmingly so. Normal.
This is what I think when I see most people. I have come to find out how untrue that is.
Not many people who read this blog really know much of who I am. I am not talking about what has happened to me or where I have gone. Rather, what made me who I am...
I figure if I am going to tell somebody all that has happened I might as tell everybody who chooses to listen. I am not special. I am not someone who they could make a TV movie out of their life. I am just an ordinary girl who did what she had to do.
My childhood was nothing special. I was born into a big upper middle class family. We lived in Orange County. My parents were dual income so I had a nanny, Cecelia was her name. However, not once do I ever remember my parents ever missing a piano recital or a dance recital. I guess that's better than most can do.
I wasn't an easy child. Countless memories involve myself kicking my brother in the nuts with my steel toed tap shoes on, burning his entire hand with a curling iron, and threatening to tell our entire elementary school that for three months I had to sleep in his room because he had read the Boogeyman by Stephen King and was from then on afraid to sleep alone.
It's funny to look back on life and see these tiny little events completely snowball and create exactly who we are today. I still cause trouble. I still cry when anything bad happens. I still remember people looking at me and telling my parents, "Wow she is going to have the boys lining up when she gets older."
Amazing how one sentence, when seen through hindsight can help us be who we are.
I was a cute kid. I was very short and tiny. I had a round face, big huge green eyes, and brown hair. I was like the Gerber baby. This might be great in theory but from a young age I noticed that that was just not good enough. I was cute. I would become pretty one day. However, what I was not was one of those model type babies.
I grew to be an child among beauties. It seemed (and my memory could have been bias) that none of my friends went through any stage where they felt like strangers to their own bodies. I had some baby fat. Where my friends didn't. They were taller and had tan olive skin and no freckles. I felt out of place among my dancer friends. I wish I could say I hit puberty and it got better. It didn't.
When I was 13 I got very sick all of a sudden. I, being already very tiny for my age, stopped growing. I couldn't eat and what I did eat came right back up. I looked like the walking dead and got very depressed. I hung out with the bad crowd (if that is what they are called in 7th grade). Once I had stopped growing for an long time and they figured I did not have the flu I was run through a series of tests I do not wish upon my enemy. They stuck things where they did not belong. They poked, prodded and stuck me with needles. I had a stomach problem and only hard core very regulated medications could make me better.
The medication was worse than the disease.
It is called prednisone and if you ever see a transplant patient where their face doubles in size and becomes "moon like" then you have seen someone on it. They gave me the highest dose they could, patted me on the head and told me, "many kids don't have any bad side effects." they were wrong.
In two months my blood tests had gone to normal. My stomach healed. Yeah!! Woo hoo!!
Except I felt worse than I had before. I gained 50 pounds of pure water weight (which looks like a puffy baloon). I lost all of my "bad" friends. The boys made fun of me. The one guy I had a crush on, who liked me before, told me he just wanted to be friends. I had to stop competing in my dance competitions. My clothes did not fit. My face looked like every one of my teeth got knocked out. It was twice its size. It was then I learned some values of real friendship. The lesson...kids are mean.
It took almost a year to lose the weight, my entire 8th grade experience was tainted by this steroid that I now considered my worst enemy. I managed to enter high school with my petite body again. Only I was short, and my puberty was late, so I looked about 12 years old. (if you don't believe me I swear I can show pictures I could still get in free at the swap meet).
I had lost all of my friends who thankfully went to a different high school so I was determined to get to the popular girl status by any means necessary. I was sick of not being the best. I tried out for cheerleading and made it. I tried out for the dance team and made it. It would be an understatement to say I was not in awe of these girls I was now surrounded by. Long perfect hair. Perfect outfits. They had flat stomachs and hips. They gossiped about their boyfriends and who was throwing the best party that weekend. I wanted to be them.
I managed to make some friends. Some of them cheerleaders, some from my honors classes, all of them friends with each other before I got there leaving me feeling "outside" of the loop most of the time. I was into dancing pretty hard core, so I did not mind the lack of plans. I always had my dance friends and most weekends were spent going to competitions.
I still wanted to be in with this group of girls. They looked like women. They were popular already and even the junior and senior guys lusted after them. I never had even been kissed. I didn't even know how to flirt or date or anything. However, I was still determined. I kept wondering to myself, when I might start to become the beauty everyone said I would. I was still cute. Not a beauty.
It started to change the following year. I got a car and my license. I was the first one. I began to give the popular girls rides to parties. Deep down I knew they were using me because I was nice and had a car. I didn't care I was able to go to the parties. I was able to laugh when someone in the quad was joking about a guy who got soooo drunk the last weekend. It was starting to fall into place. I was becoming friends with the popular girls.
Junior year a guy transferred into our school who instantly became the most popular guy. He was the "hot" one and he knew it. Somehow we became friends. Best friends. Only I was in love with him (well as "in love" as someone could be at that age) and he looked at me like his little sister. We partied together. I became popular. I had my first kiss. I know now it was because I was willing to use my allowance on vodka for everyone and throw parties at my house when my parents were out of town. My once straight A grades dropped. I could not stand my parents. BUT I was popular. I was even friends with all the beautiful people which made me feel like maybe I was pretty too. Only I wasn't really. I was still in my cute phase, looking about 13 years old. None of the boys looked at me as girlfriend material. I was the cool girl to be friends with. I didn't care.
"Wow one day this girl will have the guys lining up after her."
Yeah, uh huh, when buddy???
I managed to graduate from high school and somehow start to look halfway pretty. I even had a few boys ask me out or hit on me. I still felt ugly.
It was not until I met this guy David that I felt like an adult. A pretty adult no less. People thought I was pretty. David thought I was hot. We went out for months. David was perfect. He was going into medical school. He was tall, dark and handsome, polite and nice. He was also very boring.
Next came Omri. Who would stare into my eyes and tell me I was the most beautiful girl in the world. He would ask my ring size and say, "soon." He told me he was in love with me after two weeks of going out and knew in his heart I was the "one." Being that I was so inexperienced and insecure I bought all of it. I ate it all up. Except Omri used me and dumped me when I was at my most vulnerable. I had just gotten back from backpacking in Europe. I had gotten assaulted and scarred. It happened as soon as I landed and something about the way he said, "It's not you it's me" made me realize that I really was not pretty enough. Or smart enough. Or good enough.
"Wow someday the boys will be lining up for her."
I got over Omri fairly quickly with some help of course. But I made a decision for the first time in my life to focus on me. I read every single self help book they carried at the bookstore. I listened to music to interpret the meaning of life. I studied philosophy to gain wisdom and read every piece of chick literature out there to help me feel optimistic ( no joke I was popping out about 5 chick books a week).
I studied Kabbalah, Jung, Toltec wisdom, scripture, Aristotle, and Marcus Aurelius. I read Ovid and books of alchemy. I read all of Plato (who I don't like at all) and Locke.
I started saying no to my friends (the popular ones) when they wanted to go clubbing. I spent my time exercising, reading and writing in my journal. I made my own plans, said no to every date because really no one was good enough or worth it.
One day I looked in the mirror. I stood there naked and for the first time in my life, loved exactly what I saw. I loved my face, my hair, and my body. Maybe I finally really did become pretty. Maybe I always was. Maybe it was my mind that changed.
I respected myself. I respected my ability to say no, to fight back, to not be with a guy just because he was the one that asked first. I could make a choice and that was perfection to me.
"One day Rachel, the boys will line up for you."
It happened. Then again at that point I didn't care.
What was more important is that I finally believed it. "One day" was here and the "boys" did not matter whether they lined up or not. (thankfully the right ones did hehe)
What mattered most was I got there.
I was beautiful.
Friday, July 08, 2005
Maybe...
Maybe we should not wear white pants and then sit on the curb.
Maybe we should never take shit from anyone.
Maybe the clouds really are shaped like ice cream cones.
Maybe we should never settle for anything.
Maybe goldfish are not the greatest of pets.
Maybe we should get angry sometimes.
Maybe we should not take a big gulp of tea when it is fresh off the stove.
Maybe we should cry when we are sad and laugh when we are happy.
Maybe nothing really is personnel
Maybe Nicholas Sparks books don't have to make us cry after the first chapter.
Maybe we should not be nice but real instead.
Maybe we should take more baths with bubbles and rubber duckies.
Maybe we should demand the world give itself to us.
Maybe we should drink more water.
Maybe we should walk on sand barefoot more.
Maybe we should enjoy what we have more.
Maybe chick movies really do serve a purpose.
Maybe our prayers are answered when we need it most.
Maybe we should take more days off.
Maybe diet coke really does rot our brains.
Maybe we should eat more cookies and less veggies.
Maybe God really does count the tears of women.
Maybe movies can change your life.
Maybe money really is not all it's cracked up to be.
Maybe love does conquer all.
Maybe we should stand up for ourselves to the man.
Maybe we should spend more time in the sun.
Maybe The Beatles are perfection.
Maybe cats do know everything.
Maybe we should not sit on a curb when we are wearing white pants....
Just maybe
Maybe we should not wear white pants and then sit on the curb.
Maybe we should never take shit from anyone.
Maybe the clouds really are shaped like ice cream cones.
Maybe we should never settle for anything.
Maybe goldfish are not the greatest of pets.
Maybe we should get angry sometimes.
Maybe we should not take a big gulp of tea when it is fresh off the stove.
Maybe we should cry when we are sad and laugh when we are happy.
Maybe nothing really is personnel
Maybe Nicholas Sparks books don't have to make us cry after the first chapter.
Maybe we should not be nice but real instead.
Maybe we should take more baths with bubbles and rubber duckies.
Maybe we should demand the world give itself to us.
Maybe we should drink more water.
Maybe we should walk on sand barefoot more.
Maybe we should enjoy what we have more.
Maybe chick movies really do serve a purpose.
Maybe our prayers are answered when we need it most.
Maybe we should take more days off.
Maybe diet coke really does rot our brains.
Maybe we should eat more cookies and less veggies.
Maybe God really does count the tears of women.
Maybe movies can change your life.
Maybe money really is not all it's cracked up to be.
Maybe love does conquer all.
Maybe we should stand up for ourselves to the man.
Maybe we should spend more time in the sun.
Maybe The Beatles are perfection.
Maybe cats do know everything.
Maybe we should not sit on a curb when we are wearing white pants....
Just maybe
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Let's all just be happy for a bit
This morning I stopped at the gas station on my way to work. I put the thingy in the hole and went inside to buy a water. When I got out I then got in my car and drove away. Missing something? Oh yeah!! I drove off with the thingy (have no clue what it's called) still in the hole. I broke the pump and got yelled at. My car is ok.
That was the start of my morning....
My heart goes out to those in London. I know a few people over there but thankfully they are all ok. I sometimes have to wonder...is change even possible? These people don't want to be reached out to. They want to kill western civilization and I don't think anything we do would change their mind.
I was speaking with my sister about a mutual family member we know who has been bothering us for quite a bit of time. This person on the outside looks like they have everything in life. Everything except humility and perspective. This person is arrogant because they never had to struggle for anything in life. Everything came easily and naturally. There were no big obstacles to overcome and as a result I think they have no clear appreciation for what they do have. We all know this type of person.
What I always see is those that went through harsh times, life struggles, and obstacles end up being the type of person others respect and look up to. They end up strong, self aware and confident yet humble. I always say, "whenever we break a bone it grows back stronger," and somehow I think struggles are God pushing our life in a direction it is supposed to go, rather than where we think it should go.
My Gramps says that obstacles are like the lotto...we have to look at them as winning a million dollars, because that is how valuable they are for shaping our future. He says we have to have faith in the outcome...and the outcome looks golden.
I guess I just wish people could see how great their lives are. And truly truly appreciate what they have. Things can go up in smoke in an instant. Death happens every day.
I guess I am just in a deep thought mode today....
I am happy with my life. I am happy with where I am. I have so many goals and things I want and have to do...but right now I am just happy with who I am. I am not a millionaire (yet...) I am not famous or anything. I am just me and for the time being, that is good enough for me. I know those that love me. I know those that hate me. Some people would die for me and some would not cry a tear over anything. I guess that is the way it should be...
On to lighter things...(thank God)
Batman is one of the coolest movies I have seen in a long time. It was raw and real (well as real as a guy dressed as a bat could be) and it made sense. Christian Bale did an excellent job and I have to say he is one hottie!!
I have found some potential roommates. I am meeting with some all next week. Hopefully I find some people I can get along with....we can only hope.
I want a puppy...:/
More later...happy stuff I swear :)
This morning I stopped at the gas station on my way to work. I put the thingy in the hole and went inside to buy a water. When I got out I then got in my car and drove away. Missing something? Oh yeah!! I drove off with the thingy (have no clue what it's called) still in the hole. I broke the pump and got yelled at. My car is ok.
That was the start of my morning....
My heart goes out to those in London. I know a few people over there but thankfully they are all ok. I sometimes have to wonder...is change even possible? These people don't want to be reached out to. They want to kill western civilization and I don't think anything we do would change their mind.
I was speaking with my sister about a mutual family member we know who has been bothering us for quite a bit of time. This person on the outside looks like they have everything in life. Everything except humility and perspective. This person is arrogant because they never had to struggle for anything in life. Everything came easily and naturally. There were no big obstacles to overcome and as a result I think they have no clear appreciation for what they do have. We all know this type of person.
What I always see is those that went through harsh times, life struggles, and obstacles end up being the type of person others respect and look up to. They end up strong, self aware and confident yet humble. I always say, "whenever we break a bone it grows back stronger," and somehow I think struggles are God pushing our life in a direction it is supposed to go, rather than where we think it should go.
My Gramps says that obstacles are like the lotto...we have to look at them as winning a million dollars, because that is how valuable they are for shaping our future. He says we have to have faith in the outcome...and the outcome looks golden.
I guess I just wish people could see how great their lives are. And truly truly appreciate what they have. Things can go up in smoke in an instant. Death happens every day.
I guess I am just in a deep thought mode today....
I am happy with my life. I am happy with where I am. I have so many goals and things I want and have to do...but right now I am just happy with who I am. I am not a millionaire (yet...) I am not famous or anything. I am just me and for the time being, that is good enough for me. I know those that love me. I know those that hate me. Some people would die for me and some would not cry a tear over anything. I guess that is the way it should be...
On to lighter things...(thank God)
Batman is one of the coolest movies I have seen in a long time. It was raw and real (well as real as a guy dressed as a bat could be) and it made sense. Christian Bale did an excellent job and I have to say he is one hottie!!
I have found some potential roommates. I am meeting with some all next week. Hopefully I find some people I can get along with....we can only hope.
I want a puppy...:/
More later...happy stuff I swear :)
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
I am missing my teeth!!!!
Well I got those babies taken out. I figured a few things out. I cannot for the life of me handle tooth pain very well.
I have been through broken bones, surgeries and the like...I always bounced back without any problems or complaints. But let me tell you, tooth pain is worse than anything ever! My mouth goes from feeling normal to feeling like someone is trying to pull every single one of my teeth out and then run a knife along my gums....yeah something like that.
It was fine when I went to bed last night but I woke up crying around 1:00 AM with this shooting pain. So I did what any 23 year old girl would do...crawled into bed with my mother while she applied a heating pad and gave me vicadin and tea.
How old am I?
It is amazing how when we get sick, no matter how old we are, we act like children.
so anyways...
my boyfriend was sitting at on my sofa keeping me company while I was in pain when he looked over and noticed my dog masturbating. I have a pug. Sometimes he sits up on his hind legs and starts whacking his wiener with his paw. This is comedy. Since then the boyfriend has made it his mission to imitate Boris perfectly. This means he makes it a point to even snort while he is pretending to whack it with his "paw".
Yeah I know...
I have dreams that I get up from my desk and club my supervisor across the head. Am I alone in this?
more tonight I promise
Well I got those babies taken out. I figured a few things out. I cannot for the life of me handle tooth pain very well.
I have been through broken bones, surgeries and the like...I always bounced back without any problems or complaints. But let me tell you, tooth pain is worse than anything ever! My mouth goes from feeling normal to feeling like someone is trying to pull every single one of my teeth out and then run a knife along my gums....yeah something like that.
It was fine when I went to bed last night but I woke up crying around 1:00 AM with this shooting pain. So I did what any 23 year old girl would do...crawled into bed with my mother while she applied a heating pad and gave me vicadin and tea.
How old am I?
It is amazing how when we get sick, no matter how old we are, we act like children.
so anyways...
my boyfriend was sitting at on my sofa keeping me company while I was in pain when he looked over and noticed my dog masturbating. I have a pug. Sometimes he sits up on his hind legs and starts whacking his wiener with his paw. This is comedy. Since then the boyfriend has made it his mission to imitate Boris perfectly. This means he makes it a point to even snort while he is pretending to whack it with his "paw".
Yeah I know...
I have dreams that I get up from my desk and club my supervisor across the head. Am I alone in this?
more tonight I promise
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
This Friday I am getting my wisdom teeth taken out. :(
However, being that I always look on the bright side of my life (I swear I do I do!) I think this could be a good thing....I will lose a couple pounds!!!
I workout in the mornings at the gym at work. So more days than not, I bring my work uniform with me (scrubs) to change into after a shower. I mostly sleep at my boyfriend's house so the night before work I have to pack gym clothes, work clothes and my lunch. Well I come out of the shower this morning and grab my work clothes.....I forgot my underwear. What is worse? I am wearing white scrubs today. I am wearing white scrubs with no panties. I have to say I feel rather....risque.
Tom Cruise can kiss my pretty tight white ass. He is an expert on psychiatry??? That is just a big pile of smelly bullshit. That's all I have to say about that.
There are some things I know I want to write about. But, I want to sit down and write not give some half ass throw up of a post...so it will just have to wait.
I was kissing my boyfriend the other day and I farted. I guess that is just not sexy.
But he farts too...
So I'm still sexy.
I am going to a million concerts this fall...Oasis, Paul, Decemberists, Green Day, Street Scene....So I am feeling the itch. I miss my concerts. I need some to go to NOW!
I want a puppy.
A puppy is like a little baby to take care of. I might just have to take a trip to the pound.
If you believe in God...did something happen in your life to give you that belief? Did something happen to take it away?
If I had money I would be in London right now partying like a rock star (literally)....oh the joys of being poor.
I promise more interesting stuff tonight. I really do!!!!
Lots of love
Rach
However, being that I always look on the bright side of my life (I swear I do I do!) I think this could be a good thing....I will lose a couple pounds!!!
I workout in the mornings at the gym at work. So more days than not, I bring my work uniform with me (scrubs) to change into after a shower. I mostly sleep at my boyfriend's house so the night before work I have to pack gym clothes, work clothes and my lunch. Well I come out of the shower this morning and grab my work clothes.....I forgot my underwear. What is worse? I am wearing white scrubs today. I am wearing white scrubs with no panties. I have to say I feel rather....risque.
Tom Cruise can kiss my pretty tight white ass. He is an expert on psychiatry??? That is just a big pile of smelly bullshit. That's all I have to say about that.
There are some things I know I want to write about. But, I want to sit down and write not give some half ass throw up of a post...so it will just have to wait.
I was kissing my boyfriend the other day and I farted. I guess that is just not sexy.
But he farts too...
So I'm still sexy.
I am going to a million concerts this fall...Oasis, Paul, Decemberists, Green Day, Street Scene....So I am feeling the itch. I miss my concerts. I need some to go to NOW!
I want a puppy.
A puppy is like a little baby to take care of. I might just have to take a trip to the pound.
If you believe in God...did something happen in your life to give you that belief? Did something happen to take it away?
If I had money I would be in London right now partying like a rock star (literally)....oh the joys of being poor.
I promise more interesting stuff tonight. I really do!!!!
Lots of love
Rach
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