Get Ready For A Ramble


So yesterday I got a bloody nose at work. I also fell down the stairs...yeah just like in the movies. I wonder if that made my status as a professional human being, ya know...go down??

So I am on my sofa nursing my pain (kidding but when you hear what movie I watched you will want to think I was only watching it because I was in pain) and I put Hitch in the DVD player.

I am not a Will Smith fan.

However, a good point was brought up. When it comes to relationships people feel like they need to have a plan. Why? Because if a guy just comes out and says, "I like you," many times it crashes and burns right on top of them. But when does a plan become manipulation? Isn't it a lie? I don't think it is but I wonder why people can't just be honest. Why the game?

My current relationship was never established upon a "game." (At least I don't think it was unless the BF is very savvy) But I guess in all relationships of life the "game" is based upon people giving what THEY think other people want.

Not sure where I am going with this...but I guess I just feel like I wish people, whether it be a boss, a boyfriend, a friend or a family member would not hold back anything and just be upfront and honest. In a parallel universe maybe...

I want to feel like I don't have to be somebody to everyone...but I want to feel like I am everything to someone. My mother? Father? Boyfriend? Friends? My dog maybe? Is it even possible? I guess I just want to make a difference in someone's life....for the good not the bad.

There are so many things I want to do with my life. I want to live in New York for a bit. I want to be a writer. I want to have children and be married. I want to do everything on my "list" (including jumping out of a plane, learning how to sail, and going on an African safari). I wonder if I can do it all.

I guess I am just feeling very introspective today...

Let's lighten up!

I got my hair done and I must say I look rather ravishing. This is a good look for me.

My new job has gotten me addicted to coffee. I am a different person without it now.

I got honked at three times on the drive home last night. I am still not sure if I was just looking hot or if I am a horrible driver.

I am not a geek. Yeah I am going to the midnight release of Harry Potter but I am not a geek!! I'm NOT!!!!!

My brother has moved closer to me. This makes me happy. He is only 30 minutes away now and walking distance from Cheesecake Factory. Double bonus.

Thought for the day....

If the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence...what color is the fence?

What do you want?

We all say we know. We don't. We pretend we know. We don't. What is it we really want? Everyone gives some bullshit answer...

"I want happiness"

"I want money."

"I want love."

This is such bullshit. Of course everyone wants happiness...because what other option is there?

I am more interested in what everyone really wants. It takes some thinking but I know I can figure out at least a few things I want.

Why am I thinking about this? Well I guess I just feel like if I don't pay attention to what I want, then no one else will. How is someone supposed to give you what you want, whether it be a sweet nothing or a new car...if you yourself have no friggen clue?

What I want...

I want a pair of jeans that fit so perfect no one else in the world would be able to wear them.

I want to feel like I am an angel to those in my life.

I want to be held...tight.

I want some kissing fish to put on the shelf.

I want a mini cooper.

I want children....someday.

I want my hair to behave 365 days a year.

I want a vespa.

I want to wake up in the morning looking radiant and beautiful.

I want to never get cramps again.

I want a chocolate river in my backyard like Willy Wonka.

I want my mother to retire.

I want my future (still not written and have no idea what it's about) book to be a success.

I want a cute unique home...no cookie cutter house for me.

I want my Great grandparents to live long enough to be Great Great Grandparents.

I want new black boots.

I want a pair of orange juicy sweats.

I want to move out.

I want sparkly things.

I want a puppy.

I want to have pictures taken.

I want to play dress up.

I want every single one of my Amazon wish list items (695 items)

I want to feel like I make people in my life feel good about themselves.

I want to always feel good about myself.

I want to go to Greece.

I want to win the lotto.

I want to win something.

I want the BF to get all that he deserves. Conde Nast needs to call him.

I want to have a Chanel purse.


What is it you all want? I love hearing so do tell in the comments section. :)

Happy Monday...well not too bad for a Monday anyway

For goodness sake....

I've got the hippy hippy shake


Bad bad bad pun there but I stick a Beatles line wherever I can. We have got some shakin here!

I am a born and raised California girl but for some reason I still get a little uneasy whenever there is an earthquake. We have not had much quaking for a few years and now all of a sudden we have three?!?! Either this is just the world relieving much needed stress or these quakes are just the introduction to the coming of the BIG ONE.

The boyfriend is now seriously going to buy a puppy!!! Despite what others are telling him he wants the Jack Russell Terrier. I think they are so cute and I do believe everyone should get what they want, no matter what others say. I am beyond happy a puppy is coming. I was going to shoot some of the woman in my family if they did not have a baby soon. We are seriously lacking in the babies on this side of the coast being that all my younger cousins live in New York. So, having a puppy is something that can hold me over until Mrs. and Mrs. I-won't-say-their-names start driving in the preggo lane.

I have now become fascinated with a complete stranger. She was an older woman who shared the same name as me. I was contacted by her because she came across my blog sometime ago. I have since learned some amazing stories about the life she lead. She lived through wars, the roaring 20s, and glamour. She was a flapper, a nurse, a wife, and a friend. It is amazing how a stranger can inspire someone so much. I hope to one day wake up when I am 90 years old and be able to look back on my life in the same fashion. The stories some people can tell...it is just astounding.



These hot firemen just came to my office )well to the heart institutes office next door) they were pretty cute. What is it about firemen? I think it is the whole rescue thing. (honey if you are reading this, don't worry you rescue me from insanity every day hehe)

So Tom and Katie are engaged. WTF?!?! 2 months!!!! They even beat my brother on time. I swear this whole relationship (*cough* publicity stunt *cough*) has got me sickened. It is going so far as to he proposed on top of the Eiffel Tower. How cliche is that!!! I swear I would rather be proposed to over dinner or at a ball game than on top of the Eiffel Tower. The whole thing is ripe with fakness. Well, that's Hollywood for you. She is even converting to Scientology from being a Catholic. Oy!


I am trying to perfect roasting nuts. (ok that came out so wrong). But really, they keep coming out soft. How the hell do I get them crunchy!!!! I need crunchy nuts damnit!

More later today...

Thank God it's Friday :)

Dear Sylvia Rynette RN,



I read your letter regarding Rachel Rose Kaplan and I started to cry. When I first wanted to become a writer I felt like if I touched one person's heart then I would know I succeeded...even if I never sold even one piece.

Knowing that a woman, in the last times of her life, was intrigued by my writing makes me feel like I have made a difference. Bringing light to someone's life, no matter for how long, is all I ever really wanted to do.

The fact that we not only share the same name, but that my Hebrew name is Rose makes me wonder if God really does work in mysterious ways.

The letter you wrote means so much to me. I would love for you to contact me so I can talk to you further about Rachel, whom I now feel so connected to. I would appreciate it greatly. A part of me now feels like this great woman was meant to walk into my little world.

Please contact me at Rachelkap@murmurs.com so I can learn more about her

Lots of love

Rachel Kaplan

Let's talk about stress baby....

I am practically living out of my car. I am not kidding. My entire car is full of clothes, makeup, shower gel and shoes. On a given night I don't know where I might be sleeping. My boyfriend's? My own house? Will I even sleep? So as of right now I have clothes everywhere, my computer is causing problems, I have yet to organize my new phone and I just might go crazy.

What I need is one full day. A full day to do nothing but organize my books, my clothes, my phone, my to do list....my life. Instead I am running around from work to the gym to errands and manage to arrive home by 9 o clock only to either fall asleep or pack the next days clothes and head on over to my boyfriend's house.

This weekend I had to go to Santa Barbara for my brother's graduation for his Masters. In typical Kaplan family fashion I had lots of fun mixed with lots of tears.


I am now on my period and all I want to do is kill everything that crosses my path. In a few days I will be back to normal for now I feel like everyone is against me and the world does not feel my pain. I feel like I get no love except from my dog Boris who loves me even when I am a bitchy moody pms'y nut job.

Just a couple more days.....

Just a couple more days....

I need hugs and well wishes today so send them to me!! Pretty please....;)

In other news....

I have to wonder about people who constantly use their income and net worth to magnify their status. I do understand how the male ego is based largely on what they do for their vocation, being that they feel like good providers, but I don't understand one basing how much better they are than everyone else because they happen to have sold their soul to work 80 hours a week for the chance to buy 400 dollar shirts. What's the point?

Yes there is such a thing as people asking for Botox for their dogs. Has our nations dog obsession gone too far?

I had a dream last night of what my life might be like in 5 years. Suprisingly I liked it. Above all else I was happy in my dream.

The Michael Jackson verdict....If he walks I will take it upon myself to go up to Santa Maria and cut off his small multi colored penis.

More later...

Have a fantabulous day!!

The secret to a happy marriage


This past weekend, my grandparents celebrated their 50th "Golden" wedding anniversary.

My grandparents fight enough, but what I see is a pretty happy and healthy marriage. They have been together since my grandmother was 17. They had two children and lost another. They have gone from dirt poor to the type of lifestyle most would envy.

They went through deaths in families, births, weddings, and every other mile stone. They even lost their entire house and all their possessions in a fire.

So..... Saturday as I was sitting at one of the best restaurants I have eaten at, drinking red wine to my hearts content and loving the fact that we surprised both grandparents with a party without them finding out. I looked at both of them and had to wonder, what was their secret? What did they do that most never do to sustain a healthy and lasting marriage?

My grandfather, toasted out of his mind, got up to give a speech and made some comments on the subject at hand.

"Some people have asked me how to have a healthy marriage...and to that I say it is best to wake up every morning and know your place in the world....its good to be above and not below."

What this means I have no idea...but I guess it is the secret to a happy marriage.

The night included people saying the secret to a happy marriage is, "yes dear." Lots of sparkly diamonds always helps. Hey whatever works. ;)

I got drunk. I was a happy drunk.

Anyway...I see my grandparents through good and bas as one of the few successful marriages out there. I wish them 50 more years.

What do we deserve?

The answer is very simple. We deserve exactly what we think we deserve.

I was talking to a dear friend last night when he explained that I deserved the moon and the stars and everything in between I could possibly want.

"There is a catch," he said.

"What's the catch"? There is always a damn catch!

"You have to think you deserve it."

Interesting.

The thing is in the bible it states, "Ask and you shall receive. Knock and the door will be opened." It does not say you have to explain why. Being who you are is the why. You deserve it because you say you do. All you have to do is ask.

Well that sounds so simple. However, sometimes if we really sit down and think about it we either don't know what we deserve, don't know what to ask for, and feel so shitty-run-over about ourselves that we think we deserve nothing.

I know enough about myself that I deserve and want the best that life has to offer. However, I think one needs to be more specific. I think we all need to be more specific. So to help us all out here is a list that I think we all deserve in life for simply being exactly who we are.

1) Respect. We all deserve respect. BUT don't expect someone to respect you if you disrespect them

2) Kindness. There is never a reason to be mean. BUT if you hurt someone I love then the claws come out.

3) Love. I think everyone deserves great love. Period. No IFS ANDS or BUTS.

4) Trust. We deserve trust but in order to get it we sorta have to give it. Such a catch 22.

5) Fulfillment. If you feel something that you want and it does not come from somewhere selfish then by all means you should have it.

Notice a pattern here? We do deserve everything. But to get everything you have to give.

So does this mean if I give my clothes to the poor than more will magically appear? ;)

The Walkers are happy...


My house sits on a hill. Surrounding my house is many other hills, trails and various other paths for the joggers and walkers of my community to tackle. For years, as I drive my car, walk around and look around my neighborhood I see the same people going for their daily runs and the like.

After a while I get used to seeing these people and often attempt to gauge what their lives are like. Do they walk with babies? Are they always with a spouse? Alone?

Often I might see a woman walking with her husband and a few years later I see the same couple walking with a stroller carrying a tiny baby. It is interesting to see these people grow with their lives.

For the longest time I saw this woman walking every day of the week. She was slightly older and walked with a slight limp. Even though her walk was slow, everyday I saw her along the path, walking with a gusto. I never felt sorry for this woman. She always seemed like the type that was comfortable with herself. However, I always felt bad that for years she was always alone. She had this sadness in her face that made me think she had no one. No significant other. No children.

Yesterday as I was driving to the store when I saw this lone walker. This time a smile had replaced her normal bitter facial expression. I looked down at the ground and saw why. Walking beside her was an adorable puppy. It made me smile.

I don't care if it is a puppy a child or a man, everyone should have a companion. (Besides is there even a difference?) ;)If only just to bring a smile to a sullen face.

Some things to think about...

To the anonymous women who wrote me a heartfelt comment on my last post. I wanted to be a writer to be able to connect to people. I wanted to show stranger that life can be interesting even if you are not on the fame and fortune track.

Sometimes I think back to times when people told me I could not write because I had bad spelling. I used to think I could not write because I was not a regular Adams, Delillo or Eggers.

Then I get a comment from a stranger that reminds me why I write in the first place. See most of the time it is not about grammar or spelling. It is never about training or school. It has and always will be about connecting with people. It is about being able to tell the story in your head through paper (or a computer screen).

To the anonymous commenter. Thank you. You remind me why I want to be a writer to begin with.


More updates later.

Rachel

So I hear women are evil.


I was talking to the grandfather today...

he interrupts with a "hang on hon"

I hear ruffles and arguing in the background.

"Hon I have to go and call you back. I have to change. Your grandmother does not like what I am wearing to dinner.....THINGS HAVE NOT CHANGED IN 50 FUCKING YEARS"

The boyfriend, as we are leaving Star Wars today (for the second time this week) makes a comment, "everything bad that happens, happens because of some girl. Anakin would not have become Darth if it were not for Padame. Helen of Troy. Adam and Eve. It is all because of the women. "

Are we that evil? Do we screw with men's minds so much that wars or villains come out of it?

Come on people we can't be that bad. Yes we can be moody and pissy. We can cause men to become evil villains who want to take over the world. But at least it comes in a cute package. :)

So my father is out of town on business and my mother is home alone for the next couple of days. She called me this morning while I was on my way to work and told me something that almost made me crash I was laughing so hard.

My mother, late last night, decides she smells burning rubber and calls the fire department to ask if they knew of something burning in the neighborhood. They said they didn't but replied that they would send a few men to check it out. My mother feels assured and goes back to bed. Now let me say that my mother is alone and is paranoid. An hour or so later she hears a knock at the door and goes to answer it in her nightgown not knowing who it was.

She opens the door to see four large firemen standing there (she felt the need to tell me that one of them was very cute).
"Oh...Hi. Are you here because you found something? Is something burning?"

" Ma'am...do you know what a skunk smells like?"

Yes people. My mother thought the smell of a skunk was a fire with burning rubber somewhere in the neighborhood.

In other news...

Today I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months. I call it 7 months of joy, laughs, growth, and love...

He calls it..."7 months of putting up with you," "7 months and I am still alive," and, "7 months ago I had no gray hairs."

The season finale of The O.C made me cry many many times. I have to say that after a less than stellar season they pulled out all of the stops for the finale. Hopefully next season will be a good one.

I saw two puppies at the pet store this weekend. I am soooo tempted you have no idea. I like the Jack Russell and the King Charles Cavalier (sp?). I want a puppy!!!

I talked for over 5,000 minutes on my cell phone last month. I think I might have some issues. :0 Though I can't be the only one that talks that much.

Work is going well. There is some catty drama here in the office. I am not surprised bring that most of us are female. That and there are so many big egos here it is nutty. I am getting really involved in breast cancer awareness though so that is a good thing. It is just shocking to me how many women there are that have it.

I am going to start training for a marathon. I want to be ready by next years rock n roll marathon.

I looked at my bank account and felt like a real live grown up. It was just the thing I needed to help feed my ego. :)

more later

Thank God it's Friday!!!

So many thoughts are running through my head. Seriously my mind is a big ole clusterfuck of good things, bad things, and everything in between.

Last night at midnight I went with the boyfriend and some friends to the midnight showing of Revenge of the Sith. Wellllll....I am shocked I tell you. Just shocked! There were grown men dressed up in Star Wars garb like it was Halloween. There were guys who are probably lawyers and managers having light saber fights in front of the theatre. It was too funny for words. So we get into the movie and the boyfriend is jumping up and down like a little boy because it is the "last time he will ever see a Star Wars movie in the theatre for the first time."

I admit I got a little excited for him when he looked over and said "this is one of those things we will look back and remember STAR WARS."

So I feel asleep after the first three minutes (I was tired!!) However, I managed to stay awake for the last 45 minutes just in time to get my questions answered and to make me want to see the movie again (so I can see the whole thing).

More later but for now I leave you all with a question...

How many of you know that restaurants don't take checks???????

Conversations between me and the boyfriend...Part One


Yet another post in a 24 hour period. Being sick has be on a roll...

I love the boyfriend. He is cute and sexy. He is very sweet and trustworthy and smart. But I swear I have never met a bigger geek! Except maybe my brother.

During American Idol:

(during Bo's song)

Me - This song is making me cry
BF - Its pretty hot
Me - I'm crying
BF - You are on your period
Me - So what!!! That has nothing to do with it!!!!

During a time on AIM when (thank God) I was not at his house

BF - damn, i just laid a fart i wish i recorded
Me - oh dear God
Me - no more!!
BF - i've been farting all night
Me - why ?
Bf - no idea
(it is because he ate those low carb bars that cause farts)

ME - oh honey
BF - if i was naked in the water i can propel mself all the way to Catalina
BF - there's a visual
Me - visual?
BF - seeing my ass fart itself to Catalina
ME - please no more

BF - i think that one woke up CHina
Me - oh honey please yours are like way too much and it almost kicks me out of bed
BF - well, consider us even then
ME - i dont kick you out of bed you just no like cuddle
BF - hell yeah you do!! whered does all this gas come from>????
i swear, i could fill a blimp with all this hot air
i mean, it's gotten to the point where i can control the tone and staccatto of
the farts

ME - honey you keep up like this and you will be sleeping on the sofa and i will get
your bed


to be continued...

Yeah two posts in a 12 hour period.

I know this post will have nothing to do with the last one

I seriously never want to spend the night at my parents house again! They are coming home today. This house is a zoo. I just want some peace and quiet. My mother got home and was so pissed off that I somehow broke the spa and pool with my bare hands (because I am capable of that) , no one was here when I was sick (because that is my fault), there was tons of mail and the newspapers never got stopped. (again I am at fault). However, she praised my ability to take care of the house and said I kept it relatively clean. Yeah me!

I watched Return of the Jedi last night for the first time. All I have to say is, who what a twister! That and the Ewoks are super cute.

I am going to a midnight screening on Episode III this wednesday so I have until then to watch the first five. Needless to say it has been hectic. That and I feel the geekdom of these movies is rubbing off on me. I also must admit I am pretty hooked.

The boyfriend is pretty MIA due to deadlines at work. It seems he has 24 hours to do 48 hours worth of work. He gets very focused. He calls it tunnel-vision. I call it, "look at me butt-head, you are not listening"! ;)

The parents are coming home from their Hawaiian vacation today. I imagine with t-shirts that say "hang loose" on them and white shell necklaces. They could not bring me home a deed to a condo in Maui?? I don't ask for much!!!

My job is pretty hard not to get emotionally attached to. There are just way too many cancer patients out there. Working at a hospital is like looking at things the world tries to ignore every single day.

I am sick so I could be going crazy but can someone explain the Emperor to me? So Darth is the father, Leah is the sister. That is one fucked up family.

Speaking of which, anyone notice how much Buffy is like Star Wars?

Someone tell me why guys laugh so damn hard when they fart loud. In fact, even when they fart soft. There I am lying my head on the boyfriends lap feeling all cuddly and close when he starts laughing. I wonder what he is laughing at until the smell drifts into my nose and kills 2 million brain cells.

One of my friends, lets call her Elle, talked to me last night for the first time in months. We sounded like two strangers exchanging small talk. What makes friendships grow apart? Do we just change from high school that much? The friends I have now that I still talk to all the time are ones I either knew since I was an embryo or met after high school. Maybe there is something to that. I am also making a lot of new friends with the people at work. I like people that work at hospitals they are a lot more intelligent than my last job thats for sure. (we all remember the "baby mama drama")

Someone told me last night that my writing is as good as what they read in any respectable column. This makes me want to be done with school even more. That or I am so tempted to finish school on line and plunge head first into the journalism world. I am sick of school, I want to be in the working world already. A year and a half left. I am counting down.

I really want to go to Hawaii.

I want things that sparkle. That and one of those build-a-bear things.

What is the deal with this new extended daylight savings? What is that supposed to accomplish?

Is it easier to be real and piss people off, or fake and make others happy?

It is only in hindsight that everyone is a genius...

Well duh! Looking back on something that happens in our life we can always understand why it happened. However, while said thing is happening we might as well be blond with an IQ of 80. Really, everything we learn is learned because we look back on something, analyze it, figure it out and commit it to memory.

This does not only apply to simple things like putting your hand on a hot stove but rather those life circumstances that put words in our mouth like, "well if only....that is the reason...if the bastard wouldn't have, then I wouldn't have....I wish I had not....I wish I had...." it all makes sense in hindsight. And there we are, GENIUS!

What one has to realize is that at any given moment we are not supposed to know what the hell we are doing. Think about it. If we knew what the right way to do something every time, would life not be the most boring piece of shit you ever could imagine? Yes we can KNOW why things HAPPENED in the past once we look at it from the present. However, what is the point if the other option is pure hell...knowing everything.

Look at who you are today. Look at who is around you and what circumstances have been lain by your feet. According to countless religions, philosophers, and psychologists, everything happened because it had to happen for you to be who you are and who you are supposed to become. This poses the question of why we have to analyze anything at all?

Nietzsche, one of the greatest (and yet I imagine fucked up) minds in history poses the idea of Eternal Recurrence. He states:


What if a demon crept up to you one day and said to you, "This life as you live it now and have lived it, you will have to live again and again, times without number, and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and all the unspeakably small and great in your life must return to you and everything in the same series and sequence - and in the same way this spider and this moonlight among the trees, and this same way this moment and I myself. The eternal hour glass of existence will be turned again and again - and you with it, you dust of dust!" - Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who thus spoke? Or have you experienced a a tremendous moment in which you would have answered him, "You are a God and never have I heard anything more divine!" If this thought gained power over you it would, as you are now, transform and perhaps crush you, the question in all and everything: "do you want this again and again, times without number?" would lie as the heaviest burden upon all your actions. Or how well would you have to be disposed towards yourself and towards life would you have to become to have no greater desire than this eternal sanction and seal?




So essentially, if we were told we had to live our life again, the exact same way as we have before, would we be paralyzed with dread or euphoric with contentment?

It is the real genius who can say they would love to live their life exactly as it was before. It is the wise who would do everything in their power from that day forward of hearing from this "demon" to bring as much joy into their life as possible.

So as we will live our lives over and over again ("times without number"), what would we do differently? Not only how we would live life differently but how would we look at the pain we have gone through?

The Kabbalists use this analogy...what if someone said, "I will give you a million dollars for every hurdle you jump over in that race over there."
You would go out searching for hurdles! Well that is the way they look at problems. It is through the pain we become "rich" with wisdom and the ability to perceive real joy.

So maybe being deaf, dumb and blind as we trudge along through life ain't so bad. At least we know we might become millionaires.

It is the fear not the fire.....



I am still at my parents house, taking care of the dogs. Last night I could not sleep because I kept hearing noises coming from our attic (I kid you not). However, in the light of day I think it was probably a raccoon or something of that sort.

So there I am, sitting up in bed with two dogs who take up an entire 2/3s of said bed when I get to thinking....

Earlier that night I was watching the slightly disappointing Revelations on NBC when the son of someone had to jump through the fire in front of two weird people who are there merely for decoration. One of the decorative guys said to the boy who had to go through the fire (with me here?)..."It is the fear, not the fire that burns to the bone.." Cliche, yes. Scripted, yes. This show keeps pissing me off.

Fast forward a few hours and I am sitting up in bed, hugging my dog for dear life and I found myself repeating (out loud mind you!) "It is the fear, not the fire that burns to the bone."

Here is the part where you readers will no longer hold me in any respectful position in your mind from now on. It worked! I repeat a mantra from a television show and no longer was I scared..No sir!

Does this make me a cliche too?

Besides that I am making it a point to never sleep alone at my parents house again. There are too many dark rooms. There are weird noises. So many doors someone can just crawl through...:/

So being as that they are still on a vacation I should be on and I am stuck for the next 6 days, I am in a pickle. My dogs suck at being guard dogs that's for damn sure. Boris only barks when he hears a police siren 40 miles away. Sugar just runs and hides from strangers. Nala, well Nala is just a bitch.

Tonight the TV is staying on when I go to bed as is every light in every room except for mine. No way am I taking chances. I could also be insane and slightly paranoid...The jury is still out.

I need some help :)


So when I find blogs I enjoy I like to link them. (hint hint to those of you who like mine;) )

However, I have been doing it the hard way (going into the template, writing the weird code thing...can you tell I am not a computer genius?

I recently got this blogroll thing, and now I just have no idea how to use it or what it is really for. So this is basically me asking all of you who use blogroller to email me (link on the side) and give me some pointers on what I do with blogroll and what it is for.

more soon.....

My dogs are psychotic...no joke


Last night my pug took a crap in the living room. I am not sure if this was before or after he took a whiz on the leather sofa. This could also have been before Sugar, the pit bull, climbed up onto the kitchen counter and attempted to get at the boyfriends empty lasagna bowl leftover from dinner. This of course, caused the entire bowl to fall off the counter and completely shatter all over the entire floor. This interrupted our sleep and the boyfriend had to sweep up an entire floor in the middle of the night.....in his underwear.

So i am sitting at the parents house, while they are off galavanting in Hawaii and I am stuck baby-sitting these dogs. Yes, I use the word baby-sitting because that is the amount of work they require. So I screamed at Sugar, while Nala (yes there is a third dog) started barking at no one in particular and Boris proceeded to run around in circles probably because we interrupted his session of joyous masturbation. Did I mention the pug masturbates? Apparently you don't need retractable thumbs to do so.

Now I need a vacation....

Does anyone else think so?



Does anyone else like to curl up on the sofa with a bowl of low carb ice cream and a good movie rather than go out to a club in LA where they will not be able to walk from point A to point B without being grabbed by the opposite sex?

Does anyone else say one day they hate their mother and the next day say they are the greatest?

Does anyone else laugh at the thought that boys, age 3 or 30, still run around the house wagging their penis' at everything?

Does anyone else like to watch guilty pleasures rather than "serious" news?

Does anyone else like to go to a movie in the middle of the day so you feel like you have not wasted an entire evening?

Does anyone else talk to their dogs in baby talk like they can understand you?

Does anyone else try their hardest to turn their necks backward just so they can get a good view of their ass in the mirror?

Does anyone else fart sometimes when they laugh?

Does anyone else get really pissed off when someone they like gets voted off American Idol, but as yet to ever vote for anyone on the show?

Does anyone else make wishes at 11:11, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44 and 5:55....and seriously think your wishes might come true?

Does anyone else consider protein bars a balanced meal?

Does anyone else wear leopard print undies with ratty old sweat pants?

Does anyone else still feel fuzzy when someone says they love you....no matter how many times they have said it in the past?

Does anyone else already have Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince already pre-ordered?

Anyone? Anyone? Anyone weird out there? :)

I love the Border's bookstore by my house. It is always so lively and full of rich, stuck up, snobby Orange County folks. I still love it

However, I do not love mean, crabby ole ladies who cuss at you in the parking lot.

I was pulling my car out of the my space and this old hag comes zooming past my car at a pretty high speed for a narrow parking lot. I slam on my breaks and miss hitting her by about two inches. So, one would think it is her fault right? I was pulling out slowly, she had to see me, any decent person would have stopped. Well she DID stop. But this was after I almost hit her and it was only to block me from pulling out any further and leaving the lot.

When did old people get so mean?!?!


So there she is, parked in front of my car and not moving. I really need to get home because quite frankly I need to pee. She rolls down her window. I wonder if this is a queue. Does she need to tell me something? Did I really hit her? So I toll down my window...

" Look out your fucking window lady and learn how to drive! We are not in Fucking CHINA!"

She was like 70 years old. Does she kiss her mother with that mouth? What is this world coming to when old ladies are now hostile. Aren't they supposed to be cute and cuddly like my great grandma? And what was the deal about China?

So much confusion. My world is all askew. Old ladies are now mean to me.

So I read about the cricket formula. The cricket formula states that if you count the number of times a cricket chirpey chirps in 15 seconds and then add 37 to that number, you get the current temperature. Pretty nifty right? If someone tells you this you might think, "whoa what a cool thing this chick knows." RIGHT?

HA! NO!!! I tell the Boyfriend and well he is pretty impressed. But he has to be impressed or he will get the stink eye.

So I go and tell the brother and all I get is a, "Yeah I know. And there is a formula for rattlesnakes as well." Bastard! Is there nothing he does not know?!?!

So I am making this vow to myself. I vow to do whatever it takes to find a fact that the brother does not know. I don't care how long it takes. Oh yes, I will stump him.

Is beauty in the eye of the beholder or is it a law of nature?

Ok take a seat. This might make absolutely no sense whatsoever. But, it makes sense in my head so you just have to deal with it.

I look in the mirror every morning. I study my face while I put on my makeup and do my hair. To some people I am the definition of beauty. To others I might be just the ugliest thing ever made. It is an entirely personal opinion as beauty as always been personal throughout time.

The question is what makes us think someone or something is beautiful? Obviously there is no universal standard for beauty. I might think a guy is hot while one of my girlfriends would think I am nuts. Even the beauty of art is not universal. My brother and my sister-in-law have very opposing views about what art is beautiful. Everything is personal.

However, what is universal is what we associate beauty with now and at various times throughout history. “Beauty” was perceived as being close to or the same thing as “good.” “Good” things are not only what we like but also what we would like to acquire for ourselves. Love, wealth, happy experiences and fine objects can all be considered “good,” and therefore “good" can be described as anything that stimulates our desire. We desire the “beautiful.”

Before I come across as shallow remember the idea of beauty is not limited to people but rather a concept to describe various situations, art, scenes in nature, and people. The idea of a beautiful thing is something that would make us happy if it were ours but remains beautiful even if it belongs to someone else. Everyone can see the sunset as beautiful even if they do not own it.

In ancient Greece, the aesthetic ideal was described by various philosophers as having “harmony” and “symmetry.” What was beautiful in Greece was so important they claimed, “Only that which is beautiful is loved,” and “the most beautiful is the most just.” The Beauty ideals of the Greek bodies were, as Plato described, in Harmony and proportion. However, all it takes is to see what they considered beautiful to understand what they meant by proportion. The sculptures they had of the human body portrayed muscular men and soft curvy woman. Geometrical shapes were also very popular.

The idea of a well proportioned thing or person as beautiful spans even to modern day. The Pythagoreans looked at numbers as they relate to beauty. They claimed that all things exist because they are ordered. Essentially, they are the realization of mathematical laws, which are a condition of existence and of beauty. A statue in Greece, called the Canon embodies all the rules of correct proportion, or perfect ratio, in all of its parts.

But what about other types of beauty? In the 18th century many pieces of art represented the combination of beautiful things with terror, the devil and death. Aristotle explained why images in art, such as horrific volcanoes provoked a feeling of fear and pity. This made the person viewing the art feel cathartic. This idea of beauty is called the Sublime. Those feelings of fear without actually having experienced that, which one fears, made it beautiful. Sounds crazy…yeah. But think about how many people love the thrill of skydiving or the two-hour fright fest of a scary movie. It is cathartic and according to Aristotle it was beautiful.

So does this answer what is beautiful? Hardly. Is it something that is mathematically proportioned? The artists of the renaissance seem to think so. Or is something more? Is beauty truly in the eye of the beholder? Is it something the spectator feels that makes the object or person beautiful? I know I don’t have the answers. But the questions sure are fun.

I know I know I have not wrote a damn thing in a while. Truth is I have been writing up a storm! Just nothing I would like to put on a public space. ;)

I promise some very insightful, smart and yet slightly stupid stuff is coming your way.

For now just know...

new job is going great.

I am counting down the days until Hitchhiker makes it into theatres.

Everyone needs to buy the new Glen Phillips album. While your at it pick up Aqueduct.

Everyone needs to read The History of Beauty by Umberto Eco. While your at it read The Name of the Rose by Ego as well.

Oh and just to brag with reckless abandon.....I am going to see Paul McCartney!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who decides what makes a writer great?

Sometimes I just hate being a girl. Actually approximately 36 days out of the year I hate being a girl. The rest of the year is just fine and dandy. So tonight at dinner the subject came up about what makes a writer great. The boyfriend claims that one (not the only) thing that makes a writer great is vocabulary. I personally think what makes a writer great is the ability to convey the writer’s thoughts to the mind of the people in a smooth manner. Or rather in a manner that RELATES to the people. I don’t care if the material is a mystery, politically incorrect humor, romance, drama or psychological editorials; it has to be able to form a mental picture in the readers mind. Essentially if the reader does not like the person writing, he or she won’t like the actual writing. Marcus Aurelius is the perfect example of a great writer who “speaks” to the people. If one reads Marcus, even though the language may be archaic, you would still feel like Marcus himself is speaking to you. That, to me, is a great writer. I am not there yet. However, I have faith I will get there someday. Now vocabulary is important and the boyfriend brings up a good point. If you feel the writer is an idiot you won’t want to listen to him anyway. But (and this is a big BUT) you can have “common man” vocabulary in your writing and still be considered great (at least in my book). The boyfriend's writing is politically incorrect humor. There are not many words the everyman would have to look up in the dictionary to be able to understand what he writes. (In my opinion this is a good thing because no one has the ability not to laugh whilst reading his material.) But, is he good? Yes. Is he great? Yes. So this brings me to wonder, am I wrong? Am I right? Neither? What makes a writer great? My brother is a great writer and yet the everyman could probably understand only half of what he writes. He has the vocabulary. He is a great writer. But, does he “speak” and “relate” to the people? Hell no. So maybe it can be both and the exceptional writer has the ability to combine both good human relations and great diction. The jury is still out.
In other news….
The job is going well, however I do find it hard to separate emotions when you have to call a patient to come back to the doctors knowing very well the doctor found cancer but not being able to tell them that over the phone. I never knew how many were really out there

I heard on the radio today that Pope Benedict VXI has an email address. Now I really know I am living in the world of technology. You really know the Internet has taken over when the freaking Pope has an email address.

The L.A Book Fair is this weekend. Everyone in the area should check it out.

I said earlier today that I just really wanted to be a writer but I was not sure it would happen. Weird thing is though; last week I had nothing in print except this blog. Today I have a photo in a magazine with a byline and a feature article on a very popular website. Maybe I just need to look at the big picture…baby steps. I don’t need to go from nothing to having my own column. I can do things little by little and someday I just might end up somewhere cool. Whether or not I am a great writer, a good writer, or the common average writer, the truth is I don’t mind either way. I just know I love to write and I was taught that you could always do what you love… if you try hard enough.

This is just a random thing. This is my life.




I was going to talk about watching the election of the new Pope this morning, but decided against it because of my understandable lack of knowledge of what the Pope really means to me. (Really I was in awe but more because of my memories of Italy). However, the crowd reaction was beautiful and surreal. I thought about writing on how planning is stupid because things never go as planned anyway. Why not just ride where the wave takes you. I had training this morning at 8:30; I had to reschedule or 4:30 today because I forgot my shoes. I forgot my shoes! My biggest worry about my first day on the job tomorrow is how studious and cute my new outfit will be. I am not nervous about the job. Odd. I might complain about how when I went to the bank this morning to open a new account they came at me with a 300-dollar chargeback from the account I had there over two years ago. I could rant about how the lady was rude to me and talked to me in a condescending manner when I stated there was no way I was in New York in January of 2003 when I was in Europe! Those damn charges where not mine!
I could lighten the mood. I could say that without a doubt I will be debt free in two months. I will make good money. I will love my job. My boyfriend owns American flag pajamas. I have panties with ruffles on the butt. My dog masturbates and my other dog has gone psycho because she is on prednisone. I have always wanted to be a heroine. When my sister-in-law calls I know the conversation will last at least an hour. My brother has an interview on Thursday that I believe could change his life. I got recent picture today of my best friend in Aruba’s daughter. It really made me miss Aruba. The Aruban sun is different than our sun. It feels like…perfection.
I am protesting the bank charge. I know my new work outfit is cute. I will get back to Aruba someday soon. My dog will continue to masturbate and I just might buy these Beatles Pajamas.

Why being employed is more than just making money...


I just got home from being poked prodded and watched while peeing in a cup (well almost watched.) I was not even aloud to flush the damn toilet until the nurse came in and took my cup of pee from me. That was nice.

So I start my new job, (my well paying, real ob with benefits) on the 20th of next week. What is it about the 20th? Everything new seems to happen on the 20th! I even started my last job on the 20th. So anyway I have a stack of papers and books to study and read and sign before I start. Apparently there is a lot paper work in hospital positions. Regardless of all this procedure I have to say I am damn excited to start this job. I am confident in it and once again I am confident in myself.

These last couple months of unemployment have been hard on me. However, I am thankful I went through it. I am thankful because I now know how important working is and how I improve upon myself so much when I am working. It is not just about the money and being financially independent. It is about the feeling of accomplishment. That, even though I am a whole person no matter what my circumstances are; even though I am already worthy because I am just me; I am only me improved when I work for something.

These past few months I have had a lot of time to think. Unfortunately when you have too much time to think you start to disbelieve everything you are thinking about. You start to not believe in yourself. The truth is, no matter what is going on around us we can believe in ourselves and we can believe we are worthy. We don’t need to make a certain amount of money to be worthy. We don’t need to look a certain way to be worthy. We don’t have to be better than someone else to be worthy. We are worthy just because of who we are. It took me a long time to realize that. It took going into the “hole” again and struggling to climb back out.

I wrote before how I was still not sure where I was going. At first, I felt inadequate because I am 23 and I still am unsure of my future endeavors. The truth is, who the hell knows where they are going? My brother was going to be a professor as of last year when he was going into his marriage. Now he has dumped that idea and is going back into the corporate world. My grandfather went though countless jobs until he found his ground at the age of 50! My mom had two children before she decided what she wanted to do. I have many friends who are still feeling their way around different dreams. At least now I have a grasp of what my talent is. Now all I have to do is improve upon that (good advice from a friend) and the pieces will fall where they are supposed to. For now, I am happy working at the hospital, bringing a smile to faces of women who might need the outside help. I am happy just being me…good and bad, confident and vulnerable, imperfect and yet perfect at the same time.

I have a few plans in mind. I want to be financially independent by the end of the year. Yup, that’s right, no gas money, no nothing. I want to move out and I want to continue working toward my degree while at the same time working. Most importantly I want to continue believing in my talent and myself. Because, that is all we can really strive for…belief.





" I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope." - Red - Shawshank.

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies." - Andy - Shawshank.

Why being employed is more than just making money...


I just got home from being poked prodded and watched while peeing in a cup (well almost watched.) I was not even aloud to flush the damn toilet until the nurse came in and took my cup of pee from me. That was nice.

So I start my new job, (my well paying, real ob with benefits) on the 20th of next week. What is it about the 20th? Everything new seems to happen on the 20th! I even started my last job on the 20th. So anyway I have a stack of papers and books to study and read and sign before I start. Apparently there is a lot paper work in hospital positions. Regardless of all this procedure I have to say I am damn excited to start this job. I am confident in it and once again I am confident in myself.

These last couple months of unemployment have been hard on me. However, I am thankful I went through it. I am thankful because I now know how important working is and how I improve upon myself so much when I am working. It is not just about the money and being financially independent. It is about the feeling of accomplishment. That, even though I am a whole person no matter what my circumstances are; even though I am already worthy because I am just me; I am only me improved when I work for something.

These past few months I have had a lot of time to think. Unfortunately when you have too much time to think you start to disbelieve everything you are thinking about. You start to not believe in yourself. The truth is, no matter what is going on around us we can believe in ourselves and we can believe we are worthy. We don’t need to make a certain amount of money to be worthy. We don’t need to look a certain way to be worthy. We don’t have to be better than someone else to be worthy. We are worthy just because of who we are. It took me a long time to realize that. It took going into the “hole” again and struggling to climb back out.

I wrote before how I was still not sure where I was going. At first, I felt inadequate because I am 23 and I still am unsure of my future endeavors. The truth is, who the hell knows where they are going? My brother was going to be a professor as of last year when he was going into his marriage. Now he has dumped that idea and is going back into the corporate world. My grandfather went though countless jobs until he found his ground at the age of 50! My mom had two children before she decided what she wanted to do. I have many friends who are still feeling their way around different dreams. At least now I have a grasp of what my talent is. Now all I have to do is improve upon that (good advice from a friend) and the pieces will fall where they are supposed to. For now, I am happy working at the hospital, bringing a smile to faces of women who might need the outside help. I am happy just being me…good and bad, confident and vulnerable, imperfect and yet perfect at the same time.

I have a few plans in mind. I want to be financially independent by the end of the year. Yup, that’s right, no gas money, no nothing. I want to move out and I want to continue working toward my degree while at the same time working. Most importantly I want to continue believing in my talent and myself. Because, that is all we can really strive for…belief.





" I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope." - Red - Shawshank.

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies." - Andy - Shawshank.

Why do people love what they love?

My father is obsessed with Sherlock Holmes and biblical history. He has a stamp collection to rival most and is like a kid in a candy store at any model train retailer. My brother gets all warm and fuzzy when it comes to his computers, electronics and REM. My grandfather also treats anything electric like a toy. My boyfriend has a baseball card and memorabilia collection like none I have ever seen. He has enough magazines to cover his entire floor and Fox news is on 24 hours a day. My sister-in-law loves cats, cartoons and children’s books. Me? Well I get orgasmic over many a thing. I am an expert on all Buffy trivia. I have read certain books too many times to count (count of Monte Cristo, Hitchhiker’s Guide, Harry Potter, and anything Neil Gaiman). I love makeup and clothes and anything to do with philosophy and psychology. I believe music can change the soul. Was this all learned? Are we born with certain genes that tell us what we will have attachments to? Nature or Nurture? Perhaps if I play Beatles music 24 hours a day when I am pregnant one day I will give birth to a Beatle maniac. I happen to believe attachments to certain things or types of things is a good thing. I have to wonder though if these attachments are what make us who we are. Anyone that knows me knows what my attachments are. They define me. My musical taste defines me. My affinity for certain genres defines me. I know what “type” of people read Gaiman. I know what type of person loves Buffy the Vampire Slayer and listens to REM all day. Really, no matter how much one would try to hide it, what we love really does define who we are. Maybe people love what they love because they feel the need to be unique. One cannot simply state she is a Rachel or he is a Joe. In order to be unique one has to be “that guy” who is obsessed with….(fill in the blank here). However, at least it gives us something outside ourselves to be in love with. Essentially, loving Star Wars just might mean you are not a narcissist.

I applied for four jobs today. Someone has to bite. I also spoke with my counselor at school about what my plan is going to be for the next year. It is now official; my major is communications. Say goodbye to English. I figure it took Ethan 15 applications to get two bites so all I really have to do is keep throwing things out there and someone is going to play catch. I feel better though because at least SOMETHING is getting accomplished. I feel like the ball is finally rolling. I remember when Ethan went through his five months of pure hell, in the months right before his wedding no less. He was depressed and torn up and even had no job. I look at him now, getting through his masters and having people interested in him as an employee. I look at him now as happy and feeling good about himself and that gives me hope. It gives me hope about my future. I picture myself graduating with my degree and having people notice my work and my writing. I know there is a perfect job out there for me; maybe it just does not exist yet. I see people all around me getting jobs that seem to come out of nowhere. Ethan with the bites he is getting, my mother got her job after a big low point (losing ones job because a bunch of Arthur Anderson employees lied is a low point in my book), Josh becoming the editor of a magazine he used to write for for free, finally getting to kiss being a waiter goodbye…in a way it is like getting discovered. All you really have to do is put yourself out there, be aggressive to the point of annoying and someone will take you. I feel optimistic today. I have my points of insecurity that creep in but something inside me keeps shoving that away, telling me I am worth it and I am worth having it all. I am reminded of a prayer I know by heart. It is not really a prayer but rather a reminder one can say to him or herself whenever doubt creeps in. I used to have it by my bed so I could read it every morning when I woke up:

Good morning,
This is God.
I will be handling
All of your
Problems today.
I will not need
Your help, so have
A miraculous day.

And with that I leave the bad feelings behind and venture off to become whatever it is I am supposed to become.

Take me out to the ballgame....


Last night I went with Josh to the first Angels game of the season. I have to admit; while I am no baseball geek I was pretty excited to go. My memories of Angels games stem all the way back when I was a young girl who had no clue what the game was about but rather went to have fun and get cotton candy. I know a little more now, not much mind you, but at least I know how the game is played. I can actually follow a game where as before it was a fun social event. So last night we went, my first opening game and my first game in about a year. Tamara Gray sang the national anthem that was capped off by two fighter planes flying overhead. Nothing could be cooler than that. The game was fun and, besides tennis, one of the only non-boring games out there. Now, in no way am I a sports freak but I have to give some sports some credit. Baseball is truly “America’s pastime.” It has been around and stuck around through everything. Tennis is the ultimate singles sport in my opinion. It is pure “Zen” meaning that to be great you have to have exceptional mental AND physical focus at the same time. With tennis everything has to be in sync. Hockey is another sport I can respect. Hockey is the sport where with no talent you just get killed, simple as that. Football and other napoleon complex sports are just something I can’t watch. It is like watching a bunch of animals see who can hit the other the hardest. It just seems too Neanderthal to me…but that’s just me.
Now last night, Josh explained to me the system behind batting averages. Now to me if someone averages at anything as less than half, they suck in my book. This was until I learned that anything above a 300 batting average was considered good and the actual record was somewhere around .406, which is still less than half! However, compared to everyone else, that average is exceptional. He explained that hitting a ball coming at you at 100mph with a stick is one of the hardest things to do in sports. While this is probably true, to prove my point, which I always need to do, I explained how hard it was to grab your leg up to your hear while making a 360 degree turn on the tip toe of the other foot, and doing that 360 rotation a total of three times without bringing your leg or your heel down. Of course, I was then told dancing is not a sport. Well, dear friends, dancing is a sport. However, I won’t get into that now. Bottom line is, parts of baseball impress me, and it is not just the cool hot dogs and ice cream in helmets. I guess I can appreciate the art surrounding the game. This does not mean I will follow the game; I am more of a spectator’s spectator. But, it does mean I get the passion that goes with it. Plus, the planes are just too cool.


P.S. No one has guessed any of my favorite songs. Either you are all stumped or just damn lazy!!

A little Game to pass the time...


A good idea from my friend Frannie’s blog (www.onthestarboard.com). I write down my top 20 bands and musicians and you try to guess what my favorite songs are by each. And away we go….

1. The Beatles
2. R.E.M
3. INXS
4. The Beach Boys
5. Gomez
6. Eels
7. Rufus Wainwright
8. Elliot Smith
9. The Verve
10. The Delgados
11. Radiohead
12. Tracy Chapman
13. The Decemberists
14. Travis
15. Simon and Garfunkel
16. Grant lee Phillips
17. Queen
18. Jackson Browne
19. Prince
20. Van Morrison


Happy guessing!!!

Missing in Action

I have not written anything the past couple of weeks. I have been in a funk. A low point. I depressed, no fun, zone that I seem to be finally coming out of. I can’t say what exactly brought it on. Lets call it a snowball effect. One thing “seems” wrong and before you know it, you feel like this small insecure puddle. I did not have a job and the combination of feeling worthless from that mixed with too much time on my hands to over think everything and I was a weepy mess.
I went to the Starbucks job fair today and a prominent jewelry maker is interested in me doing some part time work. Both or none of these can work out but I am hoping for both. I am feeling better today…good in fact. I think I just started to take my own advice. I looked at what I have in my life. I have great parents, great friends and a great boyfriend. I have ideas and even if they are not reality yet, at least I have the ideas. I have a support system and I have, ehhh, great taste in music. ;) Sometimes we all get down in the slumps, but it is with the support we have we can get out of it ok. Here’s the thing though; we have to want to feel good in order to feel good. Sometimes we get comfortable feeling bad about ourselves and then we feel guilty for feeling bad and feel worse. We start a vicious cycle. Sometimes we just have to say, “some things are shitty, but some things are good…let’s focus on the good.” Insecurity and depression breeds’ insecurity and depression. It does not matter what it is about. No job. Your face breaking out. A friend pissing you off. There is only one way out…to climb out of the hole and slowly trek through the mud and soon you will be back to the state of mind you were before….happy. :)

I hate salesmen. I was one for a week.

You can be a “salesmen” in real life and just suck at it when you actually have to make money doing it. Let’s go into this further.
I was just in a sales job for a grand total of a week before I had to quit to hold onto the fraction of dignity I had left. I went into selling cell phones. You know those obnoxious people at mall kiosks that shout at you as you are having a nice walk to the nearest Nordstroms? Yeah I was one of those. For the record I did not sell a single phone in the five days that I worked. I was too nice. I saw the people from their side, that really they did not need a new phone today…and that was ok. This is not the attitude one has to have if they are to venture into the world of sales. The weird thing is I can “sell” anything in real life.
I grew up able to convince my parents I needed anything. I really “needed” those new jeans. I “needed” a new car. I even convinced my whole family we just had to go to Aruba even though I had gone just six months prior. Why was I so good at it? Well the only answer I can think of is that if one really wants something they will find a way to get it. Add into the fact my uncanny ability to read peoples emotions and, there ya go, I could sell anything. I just could not anything I did not really care about.
The cell phone business is a toughy. You only get paid commission if you sell a certain about of phones. If not, it is minimum wage for you. It is the type of business where one does not need an education to make a decent living, they just need to know how to hustle. So what this means if every single person I was employed with was of the uneducated, thug like, people who actually use the words, “I’ve got baby mama drama” and greet customers by saying, “wut up foo”. It was inevitable that I would not stay there.
So once again, after just a week, I am unemployed. The good news is I might have some writing gigs coming up (unpaid but writing nonetheless). I also have a chance to get hired at the one and only Starbucks! Now this might not seem like a fabulous and exciting job. But, it does put some money in my pocket and gives me a chance to actually talk to people without having to sell them something. I don’t have to lay out reasons why they need that double frap in their hands so I can just be my nice ole’ self. We shall see how it goes. For now I am biding my time with working on writing samples, and being a good housedaughter, cooking wonderful meals and all.

Is Geek the new Chic??


Ever since America fell in love with Seth Cohen, the adorable if slightly self indulgent geeky guy from Orange County, geeks have become the new fashion accessory to the fashionably inclined, gym going, pretty, if slightly arrogant, females of the American youth. We like our guys quirky, we like their hobbies to include weird obsessions with comic books, Star Wars, and indie movies. Undone hair is the new style and metrosexuals are on their way out. The question is, is all the weird obsessions and quirks reserved only for the geeks? American television seems to think so.
My boyfriend is a really big geek. Now gather he is a sexy geek but a geek nonetheless. I find myself learning more about comics than I ever cared to in the past. I am going to some Vulgarthon film festival in which I get to sit all day and watch geek movies whilst wearing a cool geek t-shirt just like all the other geeks in the room. I get to learn about the wonders and greatness of baseball card collecting while looking at a collection that fills an entire walk in closet. I get to hear about how by dating me; my boyfriend is breaking the “after Empire” rule that he and his buddies made up back in the day. Translation: I was born after Empire Strikes Back and they all made a pact not to date anyone that young. Yes their deal breaker was a Star Wars movie. Somehow, I love this man.
Then there is me. I love to shop. I love shopping like nothing else. Shopping can be therapy, a nice outing with a friend, a chance to make you feel good for a few hours, and even good old-fashioned escapism. I love literature but many times you will find me on a Sunday afternoon reading cheesy romance novels like the “Shopoholics” series and, “Bridget Jones Diary.” I love romantic movies and cheesy television shows. Now my favorite show in the world was Buffy the Vampire Slayer. However, I never reached the Buffy geek status by attending the various festivals around the country. I don’t belong to any clubs. I have no obsessions that I know of. I like what I like. I love what I love. I know what I know. Nothing takes up much time in my head. I think this might be what separates the geeks from the other people. Summer (The OC again) had no obsessions like Seth did. All she had was Princess Sparkle. Oh I have my special toys no doubt but, like Summer, I am not so obsessed with something that an outsider could tell I was obsessed with it by looking at my belongings. A part of me gets mad that pop culture only gives those “geeks” cool things to love and relishes in making the rest look like shallow cocky bitches (or assholes). Yet part of me sees some truth in the fiction. So where is the attraction?
This Summer/Seth dynamic seems to be a growing trend nowadays. The geeky guy is now appealing. The indie rock nerd, the comic book junkie, and the sci-fi geek all seem sexier. Maybe it seems they have more depth than the average beer guzzling, pot-smoking loser out there. Opposites are attracting. I don’t know a thing about baseball or comics and I have never seen Star Wars (although I remember a scene with cute furry animals from my childhood so I could have caught part of it). Yet, I am in a relationship with a geek as so many women today are. No one wants the Ryan or the Luke. They want the Seth. Seth is the new cool. Seth is the new sexy. God help us all.

Without a plan, passion goes nowhere.

In light of recent events and various discussions on my boyfriends recent birthday milestone, I have come to wonder what distinguishes my generation, the oddly named Generation Y, from the other generations of kids and adults that pop culture has clumped together in order to make sense of some things we just might not be able to make sense of.
Josh wrote in his blog at JoshuaStecker.com, that his generation, Generation X was clumped together by the fact that they were all products of the “baby boomers” and, unlike their parents before them, went out on their own, doing everything from family, marriage, and careers differently. They started their own businesses, many times before they even finished their General Education requirements. Generation X’ers did not follow the guidelines of going to college, getting a job with enough money to support a future family, getting married and having 2.5 children. They did it their own way.
So where does that leave my generation? Specifically where does that leave the women of my generation? While X’er women were hell bent on becoming top profile career women, the women of my generation seem to, and there are always exceptions, want to settle down early, have kids early, and only have jobs that would allot enough time to raise those kids by themselves. Even if you just take a look at the young women celebrities of my generation you can see the pattern. Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears were both married by the ages of 23. Christina Aguilera is engaged. Brandy is already a mother (and already divorced). It would seem we are making our own new generation modeled after the simplistic ideals of the 1950s. Now, does this mean we are regressing or just progressing in a different way?
What else makes my generation so different? Well that remains to be seen. I do know that we seem to hover between the wanting to grow up and start a family and the fear of growing up which results in taking a slow ride through college whilst still living at home for fear of being totally on our own, financially and otherwise.
All these ideas combined with the fact that, being in between jobs, I have a lot of time to think about things, makes me really contemplate my future and what it is exactly I want. It is a given that I want the children and the cute house I can call my own, but what is it I want when it comes to my future career? People start thinking about, “what they want to be when they grow up” starting when they are tiny little tots. I know I did. In the span of my lifetime I have wanted to be: a dancer, an actress, a model, a magician, an astronaut, a teacher, a writer, photographer, journalist, lawyer (yeah I know tough to imagine), and a makeup artist. What has come out of this you might ask? Well, I went to acting camp, I love posing for pictures, I danced competitively for 18 years, I taught dance for 6 years, I know a few magic tricks, I am pretty good at arguing, I take some awesome pictures, I know my way around a dark room, I love writing and sometimes can be good at it, I know some things about the stars, and do all my friends makeup pretty well. What has not come out of this….well anything really; except for at 23 I can consider myself a “Jane of all trades.”
At the moment I am left with a shitload of questions about what it is I really want to do with my future. Like so many Y’ers it is true I want the hubby with the house and the kids. But my passions also follow other directions. I want a career I genuinely love. I want to make money so I don’t have to totally rely on a husband or my family. The problem is I am at the age where I have to make a decision. I can’t decide I want to do something, learn all I can about it, and give it up in a few years because I no longer have that interest. I need to pick a focus and stay there and what I fear is I pick the wrong one. I am in college right now, taking my sweet time like many kids my age. My major is now English/Communications and my focus is on journalism. As of now, I would love to be a writer for a magazine and work on writing books on the side. However, there is always that fear of whether or not I am good enough to be a successful writer or if I should just knock it out as another one of my “hobbies” and choose something I know I would be good at all the while making some sort of income. I thought about being a teacher and could always work on my writing on the side that way. But am I just being safe with that decision? What I need is structure. What I need is a plan. However, I have always been the Queen of the no planning group and find it hard to come up with any sort of structure.
I had written before about not knowing what my talent is. Well truth be told, I know I do have talent in many things. My problem is my one lack of talent lies in my ability to find a career type job, get the proper training and education to get it, and just get it. Maybe my problem is I have a hard time picturing myself as a true financially responsible adult. I know I can get there I just don’t have a plan yet. All I know is right now is when I have to decide what the hell it is I am going to do for the rest of my life. I know what I love. I know what my passions are. I know what I am good at. I just need to figure out what that adds up to, what “career” that translates to. Seriously…I don’t know where I am going, but I know I’m going somewhere.

I love the holidays. I don’t care how commercial they have become or how cheesy we make them out to be. Holidays are like natural serotonin reuptake inhibitors. People just feel good. So in honor of today’s holiday, which is one of my favorites, I must play tribute.

Valentine’s Day is, to some, a day when even though you know you love your partner 365 days a year, you get to celebrate it for one day like LOVE is it’s own holiday. Christians love Jesus all year but regard Christmas to celebrate his birth. Jew’s love the Torah all year, but celebrate that Torah on one holiday. Simchat Torah. So why do people choose to boycott this holiday when all it is is a good excuse to celebrate the one emotion we could never live without? There are two basic emotions that all other emotions stem from, fear and love. Would you even believe hate stems from love? So today we celebrate that one emotion that is so essential to all of us. No one should be depressed on Valentine’s Day. I know many people think it is depressing if they are single or without a committed significant other. Well this is bullshit. Everyone has somebody that loves him or her. There is always someone who wakes up in the morning and is happy that you were born, that you are in his or her lives, and that you exist exactly as you are. That is the beauty of love; no one is deprived of it.
When I was single, I woke up every Valentine’s Day morning to a new stuffed animal and a token (usually jewelry) from my parents. I know my parents always love me, but today they get to celebrate that special love only a parent can have for their child. That is a Valentine in of itself.
In regards to those “attached” people celebrating the holiday today. I know us women love pretty gifts, fresh flowers, and sparkling jewelry. However, these tokens of affection say more than what people think it really means. Anything from a beautiful diamond necklace to a simple bracelet; from a single flower that you got out of your garden to a vast array of roses say one thing….love. It says, “I Love You” by a symbol. It never really matters what that symbol is. Most of the time women just love that symbol has a simple reminder of her loved one. I have a bear that will always remind me of my parents love. It is the symbol that matters. When Wendy gave Peter Pan a thimble as a “kiss” that thimble would forever more remind her of the love Wendy felt for Peter Pan. It would always remind him of their “kiss.”
So I encourage everyone on this Valentine’s Day to let EVERYONE you love know you love them by just some simple token of affection. Send a stupid bear, a nicely written letter they can save, or some chocolate you know they like. Give them a hug to remember or their favorite flower. Tell them that you not only love them but also love them in your life. Tell them why you love them. Today is about giving and if we all give we all get.
For today I just wanted to let all of my friends, family, and loved ones know how much I love them. I am who I am today because each and every one of you has taught me something unique and special.

Sap session over…

What is my talent? That is the question at hand.

So I can write, but I am nowhere near the ability it takes to be a paid well-respected writer. I can dance. However, I have been untrained for so long, there are countless dancers better than me now. I have a commercial face. But, I am too short to do any type of modeling. I can run a few miles. But, I am too slow and can't run far enough for the marathon. So what is my talent?

I had auditions today to be a dancer for Disneyland. It started with 1,000 girls at 7:30 this morning and by 7:00 at night we were down to just one hundred. I, of course, was one of the last few to get cut, for reasons unknown except for I just was not big enough. But here is the thing. Everyone loved me. I can’t even count the number of, “isn’t she so cute,” “I love your face” and “I love your personality” type comments I got today. These were not just from the choreographers but from the other dancers as well. By the end of the day everyone knew my name and who I was (out of those left from the various cuts we went thorough). So is that my talent then? Is my one weapon for making it in this world the ability to stand out in a crowd? If so, where the hell will that get me? Everyone, I believe, has something about them that they excel in above all other things. Everyone is exceptional at something. My sister-in-law is exceptional at animation. Ethan is pure genius at web development and anything to do with computers. My boyfriend has an uncanny ability to bring a very unique and witty voice to anything he writes. My father is one of the best at what he does. My grandfather is a genius when it comes to business. Ian can sell ice to an Eskimo. Even my mother is exceptional at what she does. Well what can I do? I know philosophy, but I am not philosopher. I am a very good dancer, not enough to make money at it. My writing needs work but I got something going there. Really, I am beginning to wonder if my “talent” is relating to people. I am beginning to think that is my extraordinary gift. I can read others. I can get along with anyone. I stand out in a crowd. People remember who I am. I can listen but I sure as hell can talk for hours. Am I what they call a “people person”? Is there a job that goes with that? Someone just fill me in on what it is I can do, because I am at a loss.

I am no longer depressed about the job situation though. At least I know I can a) get work somehow, even if it is just an atmosphere character and b) work at the many restaurants that seem to be hiring. That is a start. And, where there is a start there sure as hell is an end. This end, I have no clue where or what it will be. Somehow though, someone will see that maybe they need someone who people remember and when that happens, it will be my turn in the spotlight.

Jobs, Birthdays, shows....such is life



Last night I went to see Brendan’s show at the Derby. He was, as always, in top form. Check out his bands website at www.thequietband.com. You should all go see his band because one day when they are super famous you can say you saw them way back when.

I started school yesterday, which I was actually quite happy about. This semester I have to read a million books but the books I have to read I really am looking forward to reading.

I have auditions this weekend to be a “cast member” at Disneyland. I think I would be good for the job, being all tiny and cute and smiley. If I don’t make it there, I have a few restaurants I am applying for. All I know is I am sick of not working, of not taking care of myself, and feeling like I am worth nil. This few weeks of unemployment have been more than enough. Let’s just hope I make it.

This month is going to be busy regardless. We have a few shows coming up, such as the Zutons and Cary Brothers. Valentine’s Day is looming around the corner, as is Josh’s birthday. Josh is having a party that weekend but I planned something really cool for the day of his birthday.

I am also planning a visit to Minneapolis soon to see Rachelle for a long weekend. This should be loads of fun because I really miss her, and because I have never been to Minneapolis (not exactly a vacation place.) I just have to wait and see about the job situation before I pick a weekend.

More on it all later. For now I leave you with some words of wisdom…

"The happy person is the one who finds occasions for joy at every step. He does not have to look for them, he just finds them."
-- Ossian Lang

New York New York :)

NY#1 - me and josh, originally uploaded by Rachelkap.

I could give you all a play by play of my recent trip to New York, but really if I wanted you there with me I would have invited you. Hehe. So, instead I will give some highlights, in the hopes that you will see how in love with that city I really am…despite all it's flaws. In a way New York is like a significant other. You love him/it for what it is. You accept the flaws as part of the person. Sometimes the city might piss you off and other times it makes you the happiest girl alive. Sometimes the city is romantic. And, certain circumstances can bring you to orgasm. My relationship with New York had a great week.


My whole family plus Josh went to Long Island first for my cousin Shane's Bar Mitzvah.
~ Josh survived the family although at times it was looking a bit overwhelming
~ I had a great time with all my young cousins. They are growing up to be beautiful children
~ My Aunt Sherry (Snookie) continued to be a laugh riot and I am pretty sure I saw flirting with my boyfriend.
~ My family proved to be loud, obnoxious, lunatics regardless of what coast they might be on. Add an entire weekend of non-stop alcohol and we had ourselves a real party


Josh and I take on the city

- Wicked - the boyfriend entertains.
- Good Vibrations - the boyfriend can sing
- Walking the city - the boyfriend and you can do not much of anything and still have a great time
- Union Square - the boyfriend has some hidden beauty
- Shopping - the boyfriend treats you to pretty things
- The weather - Yes sometimes the boyfriend can get cold. We all have our faults.
- Central Park - the boyfriend can get romantic
- Snow - the boyfriend sometimes gives you the unexpected
- Museum of Modern Art - the boyfriend teaches you something new
- Meeting Josh's friends - the boyfriend introduces you to new people

I have the say the greatest part about this trip was walking in the city all day long. My past trips involved the prissy girl act of taking cabs everywhere and since Josh just would not have it, we walked everywhere. At times I wanted to kick Josh's ass for doing this, not because I could not walk, but because it was 12 degrees outside and I felt like my face was going to fall off. However, once I got used to being numb I got to just absorb the city. Breathing in the crisp air, people watching, smelling the roasted nuts in the street, passing by all the little shops, and really looking at how unique all the buildings were. It is like a comfortable silence, despite all the noise.



Josh took me around to all his old haunts, mainly Union Square, his old work, to the apartment of his best friend Stacey and her boyfriend Johnny, who were awesome, and the Staten Island Ferry. I loved seeing New York from his perspective because he loves it just as much as I do. He acts like a little kid in a candy shop there which is refreshing.


Our last day in New York Josh and I took a romantic stroll through Central Park, up through Strawberry fields and to the Dakota where we paid our respects to my dear John Lennon. The Dakota, despite being famous for having John die there, is a gorgeous complex. From there we used our last few hours of New York just walking down through Columbus and taking in the atmosphere.

We managed to see two shows while in New York as well. Wicked, which is based on the Gregory Maguire book, and Good Vibrations, which is based on Beach Boys music. Wicked was entertaining but nothing extraordinary. Good Vibrations, which was still in previews, was astounding. I loved every minute of it. Josh student rushed front row tickets so we were so close I could see every little detail. I even got my hand kissed by one of the actors during the finale. : )

I have to say this recent trip to New York was my favorite trip so far. Not only because I got to see my wonderful family, but because I got to just BE in New York as I could be here at home. It was also great being there with Josh, who aside from the city, was also a great boyfriend. However, some things should be kept private.

Central Park

NY#16 - central park, originally uploaded by Rachelkap.

Don't you just love TImes Square

NY#8 - me and josh, originally uploaded by Rachelkap.

ignore the hot couple...look how HOT the city is. :)

People to see. Places to do. So much to say. So little time.

I did manage to have a safe trip home from New York. However, for the past few days I have been sick and everything on this computer is a blur. I had a fabulous time in the Big Apple and I promise to write tons about it, along with fantabulous pictures, very soon.

Aesthetics. Beauty. The Sublime…The truth...


The romantic poets wrote and based their life upon the pursuit of aesthetics. There are magazines devoted to it. Billions of dollars are spent every year on the quest and upkeep of it. Beauty. Really, what is it? Who decides what is beautiful and what is not?

As a girl, a confident self assured girl no less, I have to admit the pursuit of beauty is something even I constantly think about. I own thousands of dollars worth of beauty products, makeup, “pretty” clothes, even books about beauty. However, if what a woman really wants most is a guy to look at her in her pajamas, no makeup and messy hair and tell her she is beautiful, why then is using outside forces to make us (what we think is) more beautiful so important? I wonder if one day women can see themselves in their truest form and see beauty. Instead we rely on that perfect blend of eye shadow, concealer, some nice lip-gloss and a hair dryer. We feel naked and ugly without some shimmery eye shadow or something so simple as a hair straightener. It is not a man’s fault. It is ours. We torture ourselves to be polished and pretty when it is the guy who really loves us who will see us frazzled and love it.

If you read a “girly” magazine, 60% of what is in there is devoted to teaching us how to “make us better looking.” Well what the fuck is wrong with us in the first place? Not every girl should look like a plastic Barbie doll. Every girl is different and maybe that is what makes us all so pretty.

Probably the other 40% of these magazines is how a woman should lose weight. Now I admit, diet advice is ok (if done in a healthy way) because as a whole this country is getting unhealthily fat. But again, who decided that every woman had to be skinny to be pretty? For a long time in my life I was obsessed with being skinny. Genetics tell me I will never be anything but small and petite, however, I was obsessed with being skinnier than everyone. The smallest of the bunch. So I set out to lose more weight than my body could ever handle. I was on the verge of starving myself, I even threw up food a couple of times, and 80% of my thoughts revolved around what I was planning to eat and do in the way of exercise in a given day. Why? For a compliment from someone who would never love me for me anyway because all they see is a skinny body? It took me a long time but I finally figured out my body is just fine the way it is. I got it into my head that it is ok for a woman to gain and lose 5 pounds in a year. I got it into my head that my body, at its normal weight like it is now, is pretty just the way it is. Of course, I am still skinny, I just don’t look sick. Problem is, if a woman who is slightly chubby, has more curves than the average model, or is healthy but just naturally big boned, they think something is wrong with them. This is all bullshit. I have a friend who will never be “skinny.” She just naturally has bigger bones and with eating healthy and exercising she is still what most would call “of average weight.” She is one of the most gorgeous girls I know. She radiates beauty and yet by “model” standards those magazines would tell her she needed to lose weight.

The romantic poets could look at a volcano and say it is beautiful. They saw beauty in any forest and all types of bodies. We could learn something from them. We can see beauty everywhere and actually just love us just the way we are. It is our differences that make us that way anyway. Besides our parents think we are gorgeous. Our friends all think we are gorgeous. And, like I said, any man who loves you will see you clean faced, in your baggy PJ’s and see the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Maybe if we started to see ourselves that way, we WOULD get healthy.


If eyes were made for seeing, Then Beauty is its own excuse for being. – Emerson


If to her share some female errors fall, Look on her face, and you'll forget them all. – Alexander Pope


'Beauty is truth, truth beauty,' - that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. – John Keats

Storm Watch 2005!!!

You know you live in Southern California when the top stories on the news are the massive amounts of rain we’ve been having, and the unfortunate separation of Brad and Jennifer. You got to love our news.

So the New Year went off great and I am now, once again, in a transitional period of my life. I am no longer at my job and in the midst of looking for a new one. Where will it be? I have not a damn clue. Lets hope I find one soon though because I am broke. I am as broke as a New York City street rat. Let me ask, how is it possible that a girl who comes from a wealthy family, is surrounded by enough books and DVDs to fill a Borders and takes up three closets worth of clothes, broke? Oh there is my answer….

Time to cut back. Or I can go the “save Karyn” route and smile and ask for charity on a website. Hey it worked for her.

Now on a lighter note….

It is now less than a week away from my trip to New York. I got my dress today and am all set to go. Words cannot describe how excited I am to go so I am not even going to try. Lets just say it is nothing short of orgasmic. We are already seeing Wicked and Josh and I plan to take in one more show. We are looking at Good Vibrations and if I can I am going to drag Josh kicking and screaming to the show that changed my life…Les Miserables. I will get him to it somehow!

The past few weeks, for reasons beyond my control, I have been a little bit down. I have not been down about anything really, being that everything in my life is just peachy….but I have been in one of those “black cloud” states and thankfully I seem to be coming out of it. What I hate most about these lulls is how it seems to affect every aspect of ones life. I have been bitchy and moody. I have been annoyed with everyone and everything. I must have been great company. Really though, what the hell do I have to be down about? I read recently that there have been a number of rapes of children and teens by rescuers during this whole Tsunami disaster. So really, I have NOTHING to be down about. Ugh.

When I was a young child, sometimes (and I am talking two years old here) my brother and me would get thrown in the bath together. I love my mother; she is one of my best friends. However, tonight she actually revealed a picture of said bath moment to Josh. Welcome to my mother…leave tact at the door.

Maybe next week she will bring out all my naked baby pictures and we can have a grand ole’ time!

And now off to build my arc…